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Love, Winter.

Your heart, I'll carry it with me …

Bella Swan moves to Forks where she meets Edward Cullen. But this is not your typical Bella and this is not the story you know.

Twilight fanfiction; I own nothing.

CHAPTER TWELVE

I was tangled in our love square. Our ship was doomed. There might have been some life boats left but I was a rat, running up and down the lower deck. There was no way out for me. Everyone kept running pass me, not even caring about having someone like me among them. In crisis priorities switch; poor hygiene and potential plague just kind of fade into the background. It's everyone for themselves and I stood no chance.

Ironic, isn't it? Everyone was fighting for me yet no one actually cared. Who cares what I want; I am, after all, just a material good. New flesh in town. That little pretty Barbie everyone would envy. Love is blind, especially when's only a crush. Been there done that. I left with a promise not to ever let it happen again. It looked like now I was wise beyond my years. And paying a price, like everyone who has ever been ahead of their time – Middle Ages, anyone? Such a nice company, Giordano Bruno and I now sing in choir and curse the world.

Tyler cooled off a bit. It seemed like he indeed accepted my 'no time for romance' statement although I feared it was only calm before the storm. I still caught him looking at me funnily when he thought I was listening to the professor.

If Tyler made my stay at Forks high a bit more bearable, Mike made it pure hell. Flames were going off around me every time I saw him. His kind, warm side began disappearing in fire, melting in the extreme heat of rage. His darker side was taking the spotlight and it sent creeps down my spine every time I saw him. Soon, the sole thought of Mike pushed me in horror.

I would have died if it wasn't for him. I would be dead, six feet under and I was acting like an ungrateful cow. Not that I wanted to avoid him, feel the urge to run away every time he spoke to me. I would love nothing more than to chit chat about weather, politics, Twilight and whatever was in now, but … I felt the hammer on my consciousness. My petite body, my bones were breaking under the pressure and, ashes to ashes, it was killing me.

How do you tell someone who saved you that you don't want them? That you cannot love them the way they expect you to because … there's this feeling you have when you are around someone else. A feeling you are afraid and ashamed of and would love nothing more but to shake it off, turn it off but you just CAN'T. It is there, driving you insane and soon you are nothing but that terrible, selfish, self-destructive warmth and bliss and … fulfilment.

Edward again disappeared for a few days. I wish I could say it made things easier. In reality, his presence still lingered. To me it seemed like he was everywhere – as I passed the lockers, I remembered seeing him leaning on them. In cafeteria I kept looking at the Cullens' table only to crush into their cold stare. I could cry every time I saw any kind of map anywhere near me and the gym … ah, let's just say I am still waiting on the proper combination of pills prescribed to get over my PTSD.

Then time for lunch came.

In Ancient Rome lunch was the time of lying down, relaxing after a long day. In some parts of the word it is a family time. In American high school, it is a re-enactment of the Battle of Richmond. Only that someone forgot to send me the details. Otherwise I too would bring Charlie's shotgun.

I neared our table with a plate in my hands. One perfectly shaped apple with and a lemonade for later. The pasta of the day smelled kind of funny and a stomach bug was the last companion I wanted. Tyler and Mike each had an empty chair facing them. Those two chairs were the only ones left by the table; apparently our table was getting increasingly popular lately.

I just sat down opposite to Tyler. I wasn't really thinking; it was just the closest chair. But for Mike the two chairs had a great symbolic meaning. Looks like dude is about to become Freud 2.0; I was too dumb to comprehend this deeper meaning. I was Gavrilo Princip, about to shoot Franz Ferdinand and start a World War I. Please, go to bunkers and save yourselves!

I always knew I was gonna be great one day.

"So this is the way you want it, Bella," Mike gritted his teeth and put down the mask of a boy next door.

"I'm sorry?" I honestly didn't have any idea what he was talking about. The lack of food in my stomach slowed down my mental process.

"Don't apologize, I just wish you were honest with me," he stared at me with the eyes of a serial killer next door.

Honesty is a bitch. You steal a bag, confess it and you rot in prison for a decade. You have this boy you don't love, you tell him and he posts your intimate pics all over the net. Withholding might be a quiet, more private kind of a bitch but at least you don't have the attention of the whole school. I was still a new girl and Perez was just waiting for me to (s)trip.

Well, now he got it.

"I never said I want to go out with you! I know you saved my life, I am grateful for that but I don't have a switch that can make me love you!"

"You gave an impression…"

"I think you gave yourself an impression!" interrupted Tyler. He got up and Mike followed. Like two enraged bulls they were staring into each other. It was so embarrassing; two men fighting over … me? Wasn't it obvious that the winner gets exactly the same thing as the loser – nothing? I wanted to crawl under the table and wait until it was over.

"No, don't, Tyler, please!" I courageously jumped off my chair as well but ... the table was between me and our versions of Daniel Cleaver and Mark Darcy. Stopping this madness from happening would require doing a long jump over the table and since I'm Bridget Jones I doubted it would end with my legs unbroken.

"Just stop! I don't want to go out with any of you! Ok? I don't … no, no, no, no, no! I never have wanted; you just pulled me into this … mess!"

I probably had bigger audience than Kardashians. Every set of eyes in the cafeteria was staring into me and I felt them all; even the lunch lady tore her look off Facebook and turned to me. They didn't expect me to also give a speech, did they? Public appearances are just not something I ace!

"So you're admitting you were just playing with us?" said Mike gloomily. Well, that was good! Better to release the anger onto me than into a fist and consequently to Tyler's face. Coz, I mean, he wouldn't hit me, would he?

"I never… you know what, I'm not gonna explain myself coz I did nothing wrong! I never said I wanted to go out with any of you! Should I wear a 'I don't wanna date you' sign on my forehead from now on?!"

Forks must seriously be a very boring town; I can't imagine any other reason why would this very public … breakup attract so much attention. It's something you see every day on Real Housewives. Or in trailer parks. i knew my dear classmates were suddenly very fond of their phones' cameras.

Apparently the Cullens don't watch much reality TV. For the first time since my arrival I saw them focusing on something besides themselves during lunch.

As if it wasn't embarrassing enough, Emmett, the gigantic one, got up and walked to the centre of the arena. His magnificent built would freak the hell out of Mount Blanc; surely Tyler and Mike would get to their senses as well.

"Is there a problem?" he said perfectly unaffected. Great, now that we have peace someone only needs to call Charlie and let him arrest me for public disturbance!

Mike surely had guts, I had to admit that. He didn't even twitch. Yes, Emmett was big enough to see the sunset before the sunrise reached us, humble little people and his punch could have easily throw Mike to China.

"Just tell me this straight, Bella," his eyes stabbed me in the face, "are you with Cullen?!"

The air I breathed in got lost while being transported into my lungs.

"That's the first time he has spoken to me!"

"I'm not talking about him!"

What's with people thinking I have something with the youngest Cullen?! I hate him! Well, I at least think I do. I can't help it if I feel so groggy when he's around!

"I only helped Edward with Maths! And even that turned out to be a hoax! So go complain to him, not me!"

The bell announced a start of the next lesson but no one was willing to abandon their half-eaten lunches. I mean, leave before the show was over.

Mike didn't look convinced but he did appear to be a bit calmer.

"So, Bella, basically what you're saying is you want to be alone."

Finally somebody understood! I nodded. Solitude was so underrated.

"Fine. Then you'll be alone," he crossed the arms on his chest and if looks could kill I would finally get to sleep in on school days.

The school officials should be ashamed of their reaction time in 21st century, when Bella having a break down was already trending on Twitter.

The principal finally walked in and I don't think he realised he had ketchup on his shirt.

"Break it up, people, that's enough!" he exclaimed in a boring voice. Everyone moaned since pretty much everything is more fun than classes (haven't this people ever heard of fire alarm?) but we obeyed anyway.

Well, at least a majority of us.

Finally being single again although I was never really taken wasn't the only great feat of the day. There was another, a bit less desired accomplishment but I guess it was also overdue.

I skipped the rest of the classes. I didn't think the school nurse would let me go home only because my skin was temporarily red from embarrassment but since in the mind of a teenage girl that is a great disease, I just sent myself home.

I was tempted so many times before and I thought it must be great, being a renegade and doing something you are not supposed to. Giving the middle finger to school and being the one in the control of your day. I wish I could say I felt that immense, forbidden freedom as I walked down the streets but really, I just wanted to run back into the classroom, learn about people in Africa or even play some football.

I thought life was about to screw me over; beat me when I was already on the ground when a car stopped besides me. I was relieved to see it wasn't police car. It couldn't be Charlie. That saved me from a fatal heart attack.

The car window rolled down and I promised myself to never play truant again when I saw Alice Cullen's face.

"Hello, Bella," she said with a worried voice as I probably lost the little colour I had. Jasper, who was riding shotgun, gave me a mild smile and waved at me. "We were worried about you. Are you ok?"

Last time I checked, I had all me limbs and nothing had eaten nose off my face. So, I guess I was just peachy.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I shrugged. Oh, I was lying. There was something seriously wrong with my mind if I was voluntarily missing school! And of all people, the Cullens noticed! Should I be flattered or scared? Was this a sign of public's response to my very public breakdown?

"Well, at least let us drive you home. It looks like it'll rain soon."

We lived in Forks; how did she manage to forget? Every day without rain should be a national holiday here; did she really think I left home without umbrella?

If these were the 70s, Ted Bundy would surely pick me up. Apparently I don't have these big trust issues I usually take such great pride in; I just got into their car. I don't know why, really. I just … did? Maybe I was traumatised.

Really traumatised. Who knows what caused this outburst of PTSD. The aura in the car was so … pleasant. Like having a fireplace in your living room kind of pleasant. Just some hot chocolate and jingle bells were missing and I could be tricked into believing it was Christmas.

"So where's Edward these days?" I asked and although I knew how the barricades in me fell down, I did nothing about it.

"In Alaska," answered Jasper whose eyes appeared to be focusing really hard on something outside the windshield. "He went to see some relatives of ours."

"Cool. How come not all of you went?"

I noticed how they thought before answering. If I wasn't of below the average intelligence I would most likely figure out they were lying.

"We are not as close to them as he is," she shrugged. "Look, Bella, don't worry too much about Newton. He's a jerk."

"No!" I exclaimed. "He's not. He's a nice guy, actually … it is partly my fault, like he said … I mean, I did know how he felt and I never told him I didn't feel the same way …"

"That's not teasing," dismissed me Alice, "everyone could see you weren't interested. Mike just chose to ignore it."

Was I talking about boys with Alice Cullen? I didn't speak about this stuff with my own mother; maybe my diary if I felt really drowsily. There must have been something in the warming system of their car. It wasn't the fireplace I began yearning for; it had awoken my memories of Phoenix. Of this very dry place where you never have to carry an umbrella.

"When I got my heart broken, I promised myself I would never do it to anyone. Yet ... today I broke two …" thank god my house appeared in the distance. It probably saved me from crying my heart out once again. I can really be a princess of self-pitying when I get into that mood.

"Some hearts are meant to be broken, Bella …" said Alice as she stopped the car. Our looks met in the mirror and there was something about the words, the voice, the eyes I could not understand. It wasn't until years later that I realized what her words meant. She knew what I too should have seen – some things are just written in fate. No matter how cruel and unfair they are, you just have to learn how to accept it. After all, the night is very dark, cold, threatening when you glance at it through your bedroom window. Yet when you get out, when you feel it … there's beauty. There are stars and the air is just different, purer … day has so much, everything it might seem … but night, it has that spark, that extra little that you find yourself thinking about it when the sun embraces your skin.

And night, just like everything else, has its own finish line.

I just smiled and closed the door behind me. I walked up to the porch and the warmth was leaving my body. A cold breeze messed up my hair again. My hand too helped; after I realized just how much I opened my heart to Alice Cullen I gave myself a head slap Gibbs would be proud of.

To Be Continued.

Broughttoyouby:::winter.