Hello everyone! I borrowed my dad's computer to write this but I can't update much, I'm not at home and from here I'm going to the UK in 11 days. I haven't got my laptop with me – smart me. I'm going to give you something now because otherwise you have to wait too long. I'm staying in the UK for 2 weeks and after the UK I go home so I have my laptop then. So, it's a long wait for you guys after this. 25 days, almost a month. Here you go, it's sadly not that long. I'm sorry if you think Eddie swears to much, but he only does it in his head, he doesn't say things like 'fuck', he just thinks it. I'm neither American, nor English so I realized I fucked up and used American-English and English mixed. Everyone makes mistakes, right? :). I actually wrote this chapter for everyone else to understand in another way. Okay, that sounds weird, but I hope you get what I mean.

Chapter 4

"I know it's hard to remember the people we used to be.

It's even harder to picture that you're not here next to me."

Eddie's POV

I screwed up. And now I don't know what to do about it. I'm stuck. I need to control myself better. I can't believe myself. I honestly can't. Why the hell did I do that? I fucking almost kissed her. It's not that I'm not aware of my feelings for her – trust me, I am. It's more that I wasn't aware that my feelings for her are so strong. And now I'm still stuck. I fucking made her cry and now I'm damn mad at myself.

Fuck.

Damn.

Fuck.

Why?

I don't fucking know.

I'm lost, I can't talk to my dad, he will be disappointed in me. I can't talk to Ian, he will laugh at me. And I sure as hell can't talk to Loren. By the minute, I get less angry and more scared. Yes. Scared is a good description of how I feel. Scared to lose her. Scared to hurt her – what I have obviously already done. Scared to show too much affection. And most important, scared she will find out who I am. Why the hell did I have to make it so complicated. I'm complicated now, my feelings are, and I have no clue what to do.

Hopeless.

That's what I am for sure. Just like one of Loren's songs said about her dad: You're hopeless. I am hopeless too.

I don' t know what to do. What I am doing isn' t very productive either. Throwing things to the ground in my penthouse – hoping they will break. Most of them don't break, and the things that do break, reflect me. Already broken, and everytime it falls it breaks a little more. I'm scared that the next time I fall, I will survive it, but can't handle the fallout.

I'm just so stuck, lost, scared, angry, emotional unstable, helpless and hopeless at the same time. And it sucks. It sucks that none of these feelings are good. Which means I'm bad. At least feeling bad.

Damn.

Why me?

Sometimes I wish that I was still that little boy in a shop in Venice buying my mom a T-shirt. An innocent boy.

A boy who wasn't cheated on.

A boy who wasn't used.

But I am not that boy anymore, and I have to accept that. I just can't. I don't know why. Why don't I have my mom anymore. It hurts, I wish I had my mom. She would give me good advise. Advise that would work for me. I poured scotch in a glass. Drank it and did the same over and over again. Until my min was clear. Until I didn't have to think about things anymore. Until I could fall asleep.