Yus. I'm back with more, the very next day. :)
*MEANWHILE*…
"I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I'm going to sue you!"
"You can't sue, you have no rights. And this isn't America it's France. And you were caught red handed, 24601. Come. On. I mean, come up with a better story than 'green aliens came down in their spaceships and forced me to carry the bread while they vandalized innocent bakers'. That's just…weird. And impossible. And people saw you."
"Who's Twofoursixohone? I'm Super ValSuperman!"
"…FIVE YEARS AT TOULON FOR YOUR INSOLENCE. TAKE HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT."
"Come on, Javert! You know it's a cool name and you're just jealous."
"I'M JAVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT, YOU…YOU…YOU…YOU…BREAD THIEF!"
Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt then proceeded to go mad. As in, insane. First, he started eating way too much red meat. Then, he started eating paper, which was worse. Then, he started getting bizarre urges to throw knives at pictures of the convicts. This caused for some accidental knife-throwing at real people, because Javert was nearsighted but didn't want glasses because they would mess up his foot-long sideburns. But he has Allstate, which protects against mayhem (like me), so it's okay! Some of the convicts even managed to eat liquids again.
But that all was a flashback. Now, we see a Decrepit Figure walking through Digne. He is hunched over, covered in rags, and altogether wretched looking. Suddenly, he howls, "oh, woe is me!"
This provokes small children to throw rocks at the Decrepit Figure.
The Decrepit Figure went to an inn. The innkeeper sends one of the small children off to The Mayor, who comes back, tells them that the Decrepit Figure was actually Jean Valjean the Bread Thief, and then the innkeeper is scuuured. So scuuured, in fact that he sends Jean Valjean away so that he won't see that the innkeeper wet his pants.
Jean Valjean also scared a peasant woman and her humble family. Jean Valjean was ugly.
Jean Valjean tried to sleep in a doghouse, but the dog was like "bro, no," and chased Jean Valjean away.
Jean Valjean tried to sleep in jail, but Jean Valjean had to get arrested first. So, Jean Valjean decided that public nudity would be the obvious solution. One, Jean Valjean would get arrested, two, a place to sleep, and three, Jean Valjean could finally get rid of that horrid orange shawl that was so discolored that it looked like cat vomit!
Jean Valjean didn't succeed. Jean Valjean's shorts were too tight, and I'm not going into any more detail.
Jean Valjean threw a little temper tantrum right then and there. An old woman found Jean Valjean sulking in a corner, and she told Jean Valjean to go ask at the bishop's door. Jean Valjean did so.
The bishop opened the door and welcomed Jean Valjean in. Then, of course, we meet another Hugo Tangent™! About cheeses. But I have a much more interesting cheese tangent, mes amis!
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of Number four, Privet Drive, were very proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. Uhm…sorry, wrong story.
The bishop, smiling, bode Jean Valjean sit down and have some wine and cheese. The cheese was very old cheese, from around the second century BC, around the time there was a hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean, off the coast of Africa. Well, I mean first of course it was a tropical depression, which means that there were some really sad people in the tropics, then there was a tropical storm, which means that a large angry mob of people ran up to the tropics from Antarctica (and that's why no people live there today), and then it was a hurricane. They named the hurricane Edouard, but then changed the name to Dan, and then Joe. So, just to give you a frame of reference, that was when the cheese was made. The milk came from a very nice cow named Bessie-san.
The cheese had endured long winters, hot summers, and springs where the only flowers were the red flowers of blood created when an arrow makes its target. It also survived the fall of the Roman Empire, and the fall of the Anonymous Never Before Mentioned Huge Pyramid, and lots of other falls. And autumns. The cheese was wise, having once been confined to a library shortly before the fall of the Roman Empire, and having nothing to do, it decided it would like to better its mind.
This got the books all cheesy.
Then, the cheese came into the care of a Very Old Hoarder, who passed it down for generations and generations. The cheese knew secrets, valuable secrets.
Like one time, in the Reign of Terror, Robespierre almost ate the cheese! But then, he was called out on urgent business and the cheese was snuck out to England.
But, this made the cheese an illegal emigrant, and so the cheese was almost guillotined! Luckily, the guillotine broke and the cheese was able to make a quick getaway. The fiacre on which he was hitching a ride on, however, suddenly made a sharp turn and the cheese was flung into a garden! Fortunately it was the bishop's garden, and the bishop took the cheese with him when he won the gold medal in gymnastics. The cheese then became a fond possession of the bishop's, so it was quite a statement that the bishop was willing to eat the cheese with Jean Valjean.
Jean Valjean, not even caring about the long and incredibly interesting history of Jean Valjean's meal, shoveled the food into Jean Valjean's mouth.
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN…
An hour later, Jean Valjean was tossing and turning in Jean Valjean's bed. That was because Jean Valjean was so unused to actual beds that Jean Valjean couldn't sleep! Like, oh my Robespierre, this was horrible. Poor Jean Valjean.
So naturally, Jean Valjean decided to look for a midnight snack. Food always helped Jean Valjean go back to sleep, especially if the food happened to be chocolate-and-peanut-butter (Chill. It is not Jean Prouvaire, he's in my closet.) fudge!
But, as Jean Valjean was trying to find the kitchen, Jean Valjean ran across the silver cabinet. Being a Bread Thief at heart, Jean Valjean just couldn't resist the alluring looks of the shiny silver. Quickly, Jean Valjean grabbed it, thrust it into Jean Valjean's horrid orange shawl that Jean Valjean had made into a bag, and ran off! Into the night!
Jean Valjean didn't get very far.
Pretty soon, some police saw a Decrepit Figure dashing away from an unassuming bishop's home, clutching a mysteriously hideous orange shawl and also some shiny silver plates. Well, the police were SMART. And beyond that, they needed to arrest more people so that their track record would be 'diligent'. So, they decided, why not harass this guy?
Jean Valjean was thrust back to the bishop's home, clutching the shiny silver.
But the bishop was kind and good. He even gave Jean Valjean his candlesticks! And then he set Jean Valjean free.
BUT. Jean Valjean was still a Bread Thief at heart. So when Jean Valjean came across a little child chimney sweep, named Petit Gervais, of course Jean Valjean had to steal more shiny objects like 40-sou pieces. Well, only one. But it was Petit Gervais' only one! I mean, that's two francs, and to a little kid? That's a lot of money. So, extremely long story shortened? Jean Valjean basically mugged this ten-year-old for what amounted to about five bucks.
Jean Valjean was feeling good, for Jean Valjean was still a Bread Thief at heart, but then, Jean Valjean started to feel guilty. Jean Valjean went to Montreuil-sur-mer, where Jean Valjean burned the forty-sou piece and put up his shiny silver. But then Jean Valjean still was guilty so Jean Valjean sold most of the shiny silver.