I watched through the window, tears clouding my vision, as the paramedics shut the door of the ambulance and sped off toward the hospital.
"Jimmy," I whispered. I was losing him and the knowledge was killing me. I'd felt empty and alone many times throughout my life – most of the time, in fact – but this was a new depth of anguish. We'd had such a short time to enjoy our friendship before things had crumbled, and now I found myself second guessing everything I had done. If only I hadn't given in the night I had applied the liniment to Jimmy's chest, we might still be friends and I would have had the chance to avoid spoiling things.
But yet - "My God, don't stop," he'd moaned, and the mere memory caused my trousers to tighten a bit. At the time, I'd thought that it was just lust he was feeling that night, and never would have dreamed that his feelings went as deep as my own. That Jimmy actually loved me – ME, the man he had so violently rejected – was beyond belief.
I knew my mind still hadn't fully comprehended it, and I wasn't sure it ever would. How could he really love me if he was willing to give me up? I had loved Philip, and I never would have turned my back on him – Philip had been the one to reject me, and it had taken my heart a long time to heal from the blow. It didn't matter that in hindsight, my lover had been selfish and aloof. My love had been blind to Philip's faults, and I had been fiercely loyal to him.
Jimmy couldn't love me with the same passion and intensity that I loved him, and that realization only intensified my grief. But I really needed to get myself under control. It had completely escaped my mind that His Lordship would not be proceeding directly to dinner after his meetings. He would be coming back to the house so I could dress him in his proper evening attire, and judging by the time, he could be here at any minute.
I rushed to my employer's bedroom and laid out the evening wear that I had thankfully had the foresight to press earlier in the day. Glancing in the mirror, I saw that my normally pale complexion was flushed from crying, but there wasn't much I could do about that on short notice. If His Lordship noticed, which was doubtful, I could always tell him that I, too, was grieving Mr. Matthew's loss, and it wouldn't be a lie. Mr. Matthew's death still weighed heavily on my mind, adding to my burdens.
A short while later, a cab pulled up outside the house and I opened the door for Lord Grantham, who looked drawn and weary after his day of legal meetings.
"I'm to dine with friends, Barrow, although truth be told I wish I could get out of it," His Lordship confessed moments later, in his bedroom, and I was pleased that he still felt free enough to confide in me as he had during my limited time as his valet.
"It must have been a very taxing day for you, M'Lord," I responded, finishing with the cuff links and moving to brush His Lordship's dinner jacket.
"Indeed it was, but I think we've got all the paperwork settled, thank God," Lord Grantham said. "We can catch the 9 o'clock tomorrow morning to Downton, and I've never been more anxious to get back home."
I nodded my agreement, even while desperately wondering how I could bring up the unlikely news that Jimmy was in hospital here in London.
"It must have been a quiet day for you, Barrow," he said pleasantly. "Everything as it should be?"
"The house seems to be in order, M'Lord, but in fact something out of the ordinary did happen earlier," I began hesitantly. I still felt a bit uncomfortable in my employer's presence after last year's incident with Jimmy, especially considering that the news I was about to convey directly involved him. His Lordship had been forgiving but I always felt the weight of what had happened hanging in the air between us.
"Oh, yes?" His Lordship raised his eyebrows and I continued a bit more boldly.
"James Kent saw a lung specialist here in town this afternoon, and apparently his health then took a turn for the worse, because he showed up at the door earlier barely clinging to consciousness. I was obliged to call the hospital and he was taken there by ambulance."
"Good gracious, nothing too serious, I hope?" Lord Grantham asked, surveying his finished ensemble in the full-length mirror.
"I really couldn't say, M'Lord," I answered, willing my voice to remain steady so as not to betray my true emotions. I had no idea what was wrong with Jimmy, and the uncertainty was killing me.
"Does the poor chap have any family to be contacted?"
"His parents are gone and he has no siblings, just some cousins," I answered, remembering the conversation when Jimmy had confided in me his lack of family. He had tried to put up a brave front, but I had seen right through the bravado. Jimmy was lonely, and as I had told him that day, I could understand his feelings all too well. Half of me had wanted to leave Jimmy alone in hospital, to punish him for his rejection of his love for me, but I now knew I could never give up on this dear young man I would never stop loving.
"I feel rather responsible for him, considering I am his employer and he seems to be alone in the world," His Lordship mused.
Jimmy solus indu mundi. Jimmy contra mundi.
"I know you're anxious to get back home, with Lady Mary and the others grieving," I began, hardly daring to voice the plan that had just occurred to me. "If you've no objection, I would be glad to stay in town long enough to check in on James and try to contact his cousins."
I immediately perceived the doubt that passed over Lord Grantham's face.
"I know you must be thinking of the…incident between James and me last year," I said awkwardly. "And I can assure you that there is nothing in my intentions other than concern for a man without family. James and I have established a friendly communication, and he has accepted my apologies for last year's unpleasantness."
I held my breath, sure that His Lordship was going to insist that I accompany him back to Downton, but to my relief, he slowly nodded in approval.
"As a matter of fact, your staying on here for a few days could prove to be excellent timing," Lord Grantham said to my astonishment. "I have convinced Her Ladyship that coming to London for the Season this summer as usual is just the change of pace that we all need, and I have arranged for some updates to be made to the house as a bit of a surprise for her. I'm rather uneasy with contractors coming and going with no supervision, and if you'd be willing to stay on and manage them, as well as looking in on poor James, I think Carson would be quite willing to spare you."
I could hardly believe my good fortune. I had been afraid I wouldn't even have a chance to see Jimmy at all, but this was too good to be true. The knot in my stomach over the way Jimmy and I had parted, and the sadness I felt at his rejection, in no way could change the fact that seeing him again filled me with anticipation. Call me a glutton for a punishment, I supposed.
"I would be happy to, M'Lord," I said carefully, doing everything in my power to avoid sounding overly exultant. I needed to play the part of concerned under butler and nothing more.
"We can sort out the details later when you're dressing me for bed, then," he answered. "And now I really must get this dinner over with. Will you be visiting the hospital this evening?"
"I suppose I should, but I'll return in plenty of time to set the cases to rights before your journey tomorrow," I answered as I gathered up the discarded items of clothing.
"Well, do give him my best," His Lordship said a moment later as I opened the front door for him and he proceeded toward the still waiting cab.
An hour later, I was making my way hesitantly through the hospital doors, fearful at what I would find. After inquiring at the front desk and assuring the nurse on duty that I was family (a bold-faced lie, but I had bigger things to worry about), I was led to a bed where Jimmy lay awake, which caused me both elation and apprehension. I had expected to merely look in on a sleeping Jimmy.
"Mr. Bar-Thomas!" His face lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. "I thought you wouldn't come."
"Jimmy." My voice was husky with emotion, despite my best efforts. "What did the doctor say?"
"They extracted some fluid from my lungs with a needle and I feel loads better, but there's still a chance of infection so they need to keep me here for a couple of days."
I made a mental note to consult with the doctor before departing, hopefully to obtain more details, but this news sounded cautiously optimistic.
"Never thought I'd say this, but it's so bloody boring in here that I think I would have welcomed even Alfred's conversation earlier," Jimmy grinned, and I laughed out loud.
"You must really be desperate," I countered, glad I'd brought along a newspaper, something to keep his mind busy. Maybe I should have brought him one of my books, too.
"Going to read out loud to me, are you?" Jimmy asked. "You owe me, considering how long I spent reading to you when you were in bed."
We were back, it seemed, to the easygoing friendship we'd enjoyed, which was strange indeed. I hadn't known how to proceed, and while in a way it was a relief to have the tone so light, I couldn't help but feel we were ignoring the obvious.
True to Jimmy's request, I spent the next while reading the front page aloud, and noticed frown lines appearing on his face when I finished recounting an article about a man sentenced to prison.
"I've thought a lot about prison lately," he mused. "I asked Mr. Bates about it and he said it was something he'd spend the rest of his life trying to forget. He said if not for Anna he probably would've found some way to end his life in there."
I was no great friend to Mr. Bates, but I respected the man for his efforts to help me when I'd hit rock bottom last year. And I wouldn't have wished prison on my worst enemy, from the stories I'd heard. Something told me I knew where Jimmy was going with this and I waited, muscles tense.
"Alfred told me about a chap he knew in the war who was caught with another soldier…in an unnatural way," Jimmy began, his face flushing. "They were court-martialled and sentenced to prison."
I nodded, my mouth set in a hard line. It made my blood boil to think that soldiers who had risked their lives to fight for their country could be treated in such a despicable way. And for what crime? Who the bloody hell were they hurting?
"I've been lonely, Thomas, so very lonely," Jimmy whispered and I dared to take his hand in my own after looking around to ensure no one was watching. And to my surprise, Jimmy closed his eyes and did nothing to discourage the physical contact.
"But you can't ask me to love you in that way," Jimmy continued. "I do love you, but why can't it just be a bond closer than brotherhood, like David and Jonathan in the bible?"
I couldn't help smirking. "I always thought David and Jonathan's 'bond closer than brotherhood' was none other than the very act that sent those soldiers and Oscar Wilde to prison," I said honestly, amused by Jimmy's appalled expression.
"You shouldn't speak like that about the bible," he said and he was so dead serious that I wiped the smile off my face.
"I don't understand it, Jimmy," I said. "Remember that conversation during dinner, when Alfred was going on about how glad he was to be Church of England? You said a man could be different without it making him a traitor. What you said that night led me to believe that the church didn't rule your life."
"Oh, that." Jimmy looked sheepish. "I was really just trying to rattle Alfred a bit – you know how priggish he can be."
"I see," I said slowly.
"I don't want to go to hell, Thomas," Jimmy said simply. "And I don't want to go to prison. I think men of your – our – sort should be celibate. It's the only way."
"And nothing can ever change your mind?" I asked wearily.
"Well, maybe if God himself came down and told me it was all right," Jimmy said with a watery smile, and I couldn't tell for sure if he was joking or not.
"That doesn't sound too likely," I said drily, even as the renewed pain felt like a weight crushing my chest. It was only just now really sinking in that there would be no changing Jimmy's mind – not now, not ever.
"You're not afraid of eternal damnation, then?" Jimmy asked, so wide-eyed and innocent that I momentarily felt as though I were talking to a little boy instead of a grown man.
"Look, if there is a god up there, it made me the way I am," I said flatly. "And if there's a god, then it also gave me a brain. I'd sooner use that than spend my life cowering in fear because some vicars quoting ancient texts want to tell me that being who I am is worthy of eternal torture."
Jimmy shuddered then, and I resisted the powerful urge to stroke his hair. I had drawn up the privacy curtain around his bed, but there was no telling when someone might walk in. Not to mention that the intimate gesture might not sit too well with Jimmy.
"You're brave, Thomas," Jimmy whispered, and to my utter astonishment he lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it. His lips were soft, warm and gentle. "And you deserve someone who won't hold you back like I would."
I shook my head silently, unable to speak thanks to the lump in my throat.
"Come and see me again tomorrow?" Jimmy asked suddenly, changing course. "Or are you heading back to Downton?"
"I'll be in town a few days overseeing some renovations at the house," I said, and Jimmy was unable to hide the pleasure in his expression.
"So this isn't goodbye, then," he said. "I suppose I'll have to be the one to leave Downton, and I was afraid tonight was to be the last night I'd ever see you."
"I didn't mean what I said, Jimmy," I said, desperation clouding my judgment. A clean break would really be best, but I couldn't face it. Not when my true love lay in front of me, vulnerable and beautiful and perfect. I couldn't face life without him.
Jimmy suddenly looked weary.
"Yes, you did mean it," he said sadly. "And you're right – we can't go on as we were, not after I admitted the truth to you. It would be the ruin of us both."
No. This wasn't happening.
"But please come and see me tomorrow," Jimmy begged, a fine sheen of sweat glistening on his forehead. "I don't have to lose you just yet."
"I will," I answered woodenly, rising to leave. "But now I've got to get back before His Lordship returns from dinner, to dress him for bed."
"Sweet dreams, Thomas," Jimmy said as I fled from his bedside, heart pounding with emotion.
Before leaving the hospital, I stopped by the front desk again and gave the nurse on duty the information about where I was staying. I was now officially on file as Jimmy's emergency contact, my story about being a cousin having been believed without question.
Back at the house later that night, I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I was utterly numb after the latest conversation with Jimmy. His mind was well and truly made up, and nothing I could say or do would change that. I had never prayed in my life, not even on the battlefield, but now I found myself whispering to the thin air.
"Open his mind," I breathed. "Help him see that love is too precious to waste."
Eventually, sleep must have claimed me, because I was jarred awake to the sound of the telephone. Groggily, I left my bedroom and answered it.
"Mr. Barrow, this is Nurse Lee from the hospital. Your cousin James has taken a turn for the worse. The doctor suspects septicemia brought on by an infection of the lungs, and it's very serious. He advises that you should come right away."
Oh God, no. Not septicemia. I'd seen more than one man die of the blood infection in the war.
"Is he conscious?" I managed to ask.
"I'm afraid he's not, Mr. Barrow.
"I'll be there as soon as I can," I said shakily before hanging up the phone.
My love was in grave danger, and I had no one to confide in, I realized. Jimmy was my only friend and I was probably losing him. I'd never felt more alone in my life.
A/N: I feel like this was my most boring chapter yet, but I hope you'll stick around as I do have some hopefully more fun things planned. Teaser: What's the real reason O'Brien turned on Thomas so heartlessly? Keep reading to discover my take on it! I also apologize for how long it took me to update – I've already begun the next chapter and I think it should be much less time before the next update. Thank you all so much for the kind reviews!