Meanwhile, back in Gotham…

(where Spidey was supposed to be)

Rocket gone.

Check.

Spidey.

Er, Spidey?

"Where'd my Spidey go?!"

Oh no.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

What have we done?!

"Spidey! I'll bring you back, baby!"

BAMF!

When Spider-Man reappeared, his suit was ripped and burned in more places than not. He was also limp as a noodle and falling without casting a web.

Limp as a noodle? Pfft! Wait. Did I read that right? No webs?!

"Spidey!"

Deadpool dove to catch him. Although, someone else in a red helmet and motorcycle motif snatched Spidey out of the air. They carried Spider-Man to a rooftop and gingerly laid him down. Deadpool landed in a heap on the same rooftop seconds later. He felt disoriented for a moment. Luckily, his healing kicked in.

Oh, so fucking lucky!

"Thank Wolvie!"

We still hate the jerk. Right?

"Of course, we still hate that asshole."

He then stood up and ran to Spidey. He pushed the other person aside.

"Spidey!" He wrapped his arms around the limp figure. "Who did this to you?!"

"You," Spider-Man said in a low rough voice and coughed. "You son of a—"

"Rocket launcher. Three rooftops northeast. Deathstroke," the Spidey savior said.

Were we supposed to decipher that?

"Don't know how to answer that."

Is it a code to some kinky underground club?

"Hmm. I've never heard of an underground club on a rooftop."

"What the fuck?" Red Hood asked Spider-Man in a stage whisper. "Does he have brain damage? He took a nasty fall."

"Don't worry," Spider-Man said to Hood. It was easier to talk in short, concise sentences, he realized. "He heals. Nonsensical prattling. Normal."

"If you say so." Red Hood kept his eyes on Deathstroke.

Deadpool ignored their exchange. He was still talking to his inner voices.

Is Deathstroke the key to enter? Ask him!

"Stupid question. What's a Deathstroke?"

Spidey's savior pointed towards a figure watching them from a nearby rooftop.

Deathstroke is his name!

He's a copycat!

Or a maniacal fan!

"A cosplayer? Is he supposed to be cosplaying me?" Deadpool looked at the other man through squinted eyes.

"You're the cosplayer, dumbass. He's the real deal," Spidey said. It was getting easier to talk though his voice was still weak.

He does look cooler than us.

Et tu, Brute?

"Spidey, you wound me."

"Not more than you've wounded me. Literally, you ass."

Spidey is so smart. He even uses the word literally correctly.

"He's a mercenary. It seems that Spider was his intended target."

But if he is using the word correctly, that means…

He's blaming us for his near-death experience just now!

Must grovel at his feet!

Not yet!

Right. Right. Act cool.

"Spidey, let's put a pin on your accusation. For now, play dead, m'kay?" Deadpool said and hugged Spidey's body close to the chest.

"That's a stretch, but I'll put my heart into it."

Deadpool gave him a smooch on his head. Spider-Man couldn't hold his head up even if he wanted to. It lolled to the side. That, along with his limp figure, from where Deathstroke was standing, made it look like he'd died.

"Oh, my little sugar plum! He's dead! You killed him, you heartless Dickstroke!"

Oh, man. I'll have to remember that one. Red Hood suppressed his laughter. I have to tell Big Bird. He'll hate it.

Deathstroke was staring at the trio through a squinted eye.

"You geriatric, cyclops! How could you kill my boyfriend?!"

"Boyfriend?" Spidey said, his voice a little stronger but muffled by Deadpool's chest.

"Well, friend would have been too weak of an excuse for all my dramatics. Lover was too strong. I wouldn't be saying anything, just balling. Boyfriend was the right fit. And all the angst-filled screaming makes sense. Don't I sound like a love-sick schoolgirl?" Deadpool said in a whisper.

Spidey snickered. "You're nuts, Wade. But whatever works."

Deadpool began to wail. "My darling, don't worry. I will meet you at Death's gates as soon as I avenge your death! I'll kill you—Uh, where'd the dipshit go?"

"He disappeared when you declared me dead. Red Hood pulled out his guns and made it look like he was going after him. He didn't go further than the building Deathstroke had been before."

"Red Hood? Is he the guy in the Red Helmet? He's too young for you, Spidey. I do not approve."

"Great. I care so much about your views, especially when they make zero sense. Whatsoever. Now, let go. I think you bruised my ribs more than they already were."

"I need to get you to a doctor. Know where I can find one?"

"I'm good. Just give me a couple of hours. Three pizzas. An extra large slushie. And a chocolate cake."

"I've got tacos."

"Gimme." Spider-Man wanted to make grabby hands, but he only managed to move his fingers a little. His arms were limp noodles at his sides. His hands were resting on the rooftop. "Argh! Can't lift my arms. Too weak."

"Oh, this is a dream come true. I get to feed you like a little baby. Oh, joyous day!"

"Fuck you."

"Maybe later, if I'm lucky," Deadpool sniggered. Spidey would have rolled his eyes if he could. Deadpool opened his bag of tacos. "So I have carne asada, pollo, lengua—"

"Wade, shut up. Just give me 'em."

"Bossy. At least you haven't changed. How far up do you want your mask? Just the mouth or all the way off?" His voice lowered to a bedroom voice at the end.

"Nice try. The bridge of my nose is good."

"Okey-dokey!" Deadpool rolled up the mask and tilted his head a little. "You're a handsome devil, Spidey."

"Yeah, yeah. Good genes. Eye of the beholder. I don't give a damn. Gimme ta—mmph. Mmmm."

"Delish, right?! I know where all the good taco spots are. Stick with me, Spidey, and you'll never have a bad taco night!"

"I'm sold. More, please." After his fifth taco, Spidey looked over at Deadpool curiously. "Wade, how are you here?"

"Oh!" Deadpool said in glee. He pulled a cute little BAMF demon out from behind his back. "Surprise!"

"Hey, is that—?"

"Yeah, little rascal tried to BAMF my head off before I told 'em I needed help finding you. We've been hopping dimensions for months. We found almost every other Spider-person but you. Did you know there was a Spider-Pig? At first, I thought the pig was Homer Simpson's, which led me to believe we were in a cartoon. But then it webbed us up and started talking all sarcastic-like, and it reminded me of you. Hearing a pig talk freaked us the hell out, though, and we BAMFed right into Toby Maguire's living room—"

"Wade."

"I'm rambling, I know. I'm just so happy we finally found you. Right, Blue?"

The little blue demon's eyes shone with glee. It bamfed out of Deadpool's hand and then BAMFed on Spidey's chest. It scrutinized Spidey's appearance. Its eyes teared up, and its lips wobbled. "Bamf," it said, sounding apologetic.

"It's not your fault, little buddy," Spidey reassured. "Wade should have warned me before he teleported the rocket so that I could let go of the webs. Besides, I know you wouldn't hurt me."

The little demon rubbed its head on Spidey's chest like a cat.

"Hey! I would never hurt my heart mate!"

"No, you would just send me to hell for funsies."

"It was a job interview!"

"Wade, no sane person holds a job interview in hell! What am I saying?! You're certifiable! And we're not heart-mates—!"

"Spidey! You're scaring the baby!"

"The what?" The little demon was growling at Deadpool and whimpering at Spidey in turn. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Blue. Mommy and Daddy are just having a little spat. It's okay. We do this all the time. We don't hate each other, I promise. He just gets on my nerves sometimes. I promise to control my temper from now on."

The little demon let out a breath of relief and hugged Spidey the best he could.

"So, am I the mommy or am I," Deadpool dropped his voice to a low timber, "the daddy?"

"Shut it, Wade."

"Spidey, I love you."

"I know."

"Bamf!"

"Aw, love you too, buddy."

"What am I, chopped liver?"

"Bamf."

"You walked right into that one."

"Yeah, the scoundrel's a chip off the old block."

"You were the one that collared 'em."

"No, I told you it was a gift from the ex."

"Ex?"

"Yeah, you're looking at a free man, Spidey. What do you say we make this official?"

"Make what official?" said a new voice.

"Was that voice coming from your head or mine?"

"Wade, if it was coming from inside my head, how would you hear it?" Spider-Man said automatically.

"Not hear it. Read it. Thought bubbles are all the rage in Spidey comics."

"I'm done," Spidey said. He really was done arguing about nonsense. "Hello." He gave a head bob to the blue cad newcomer. "Hood, friend of yours?"

Wade went static at the sight of the new figure.

"Something like that," Hood said. Even through the helmet, he managed to sound annoyed.

"Nightwing. Hood's told me all about you. It's nice to meet you."

"Thanks for making me sound like a gossip, Wing."

"It's my pleasure." Nightwing grinned widely. Hood facepalmed, or actually, helmet palmed?

Spidey sniggered. "The mute beside me is Deadpool. And this cute little guy is Blue."

Nightwing crouched down to get a better look at the little creature. "Hey, there."

"Bamf!"

"Aw, he likes you."

"Bamf!" The little blue demon teleported onto Nightwing's knee. He didn't even flinch. Spidey noticed Hood inch away slightly in surprise.

"Aren't you a sweetheart?" Nightwing said as he scratched the underside of Blue's chin, which made the demon purr.

"OMG! There's a warm, gooey cinnamon roll with extra frosting lurking beneath that impressive muscular form!"

"That's gross," Hood said and shook his head as if to dispel the words.

Nightwing tightened his lips as if he was suppressing a laugh.

Spidey slapped Deadpool's head. "This isn't a romcom, Wade. Snap out of it!"

Deadpool gasped and put a hand on his chest. He turned to look at Spidey. "A man after my own heart! You've read 'So That Happened,' too?!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. But I rarely do."

"You have! OMG!" He grabbed Blue off Nightwing's knee. The demon shrieked in anger. Deadpool held him in front of his face. "I have to tell everyone! BAMF us to the Daily Bugle! JJJ will be ecstatic to print this!"

Blue chomped off his thumb with his razor-sharp teeth.

"Yeouch!"

"Serves you right! Come to Mama, baby!"

Blue teleported back to Spidey's awaiting arms.

"So I am the Daddy?!" Wade said in glee while dripping blood all over.

Nightwing asked Hood for bandages. But the man shook his head to deny the request. He said in hushed tones that it was unnecessary.

Spider-Man sighed so hard he made Blue's ears twitch.

Deadpool squealed when Spidey didn't deny his question.

Spidey shook his head and gestured to Deadpool while looking at Blue as if saying, 'See what I have to deal with?'

The little demon looked at Deadpool and pointed at him. BAMF!

Deadpool disappeared.

Blue turned to look at Spider-Man with a satisfied grin.

Nightwing looked alarmed. Red Hood took two steps back.

"Uh, Blue? Where'd you send him?"

Nightwing turned to look at Hood. He shrugged. He was just as lost while watching all the crazy since Deadpool showed up in the sky, of all places.

"Bamf," Blue answered and growled in a low rumble.

"Not saying he doesn't deserve it. But I do need to talk to him. Do you mind—?"

Blue sighed heavily and snapped his fingers before Spidey could finish his question.

Deadpool appeared suddenly on the rooftop of the next building. He hopped on one foot as he looked around. His other foot was in his hand. His mask was torn in a few places. His disfigured skin was in view.

"Wade!" Spidey said to get his attention.

Deadpool turned to look at him and pulled out a gun, aiming it at Blue's head.

"Wade!" Spidey said in alarm. He wrapped one arm around Blue and held out his other hand. "No! He's just a baby! He doesn't know any better!"

Red Hood pulled out his guns and pointed them at Deadpool. "Why don't you point that bad boy at someone your own size?"

Deadpool ignored him. He dropped his foot down and pushed his stump into it. The flesh meeting bone made a squelch, which was followed by a groan of pain. Everyone except the little demon winced.

"That thing is not a baby! It's a hormonal teenager and a demon to boot."

Nightwing stood up and blocked Spider-Man from Deadpool's view. He pulled out his escrima sticks when Deadpool started to walk forward.

"That was uncalled for, Wade. And Blue is not a—"

"Bamf!"

"Okay. I stand corrected. He is a teenager but—"

"But nothing." Deadpool jumped over the gap between buildings. He tripped on his bad foot and landed on the rooftop on one knee. He pushed up with his hand and slowly stood up with a groan. "He's dead."

Hood walked over to stand next to Nightwing. "Not while we're here to stop you."

"Why don't you take a step back and cool your head for a minute?" Nightwing said.

Deadpool ignored them and stalked forward. Hood shot him in the knee.

"Mother—!"

"Hood! Please don't shoot my friend! He's not going to hurt anyone. Besides, Blue can just teleport away."

"He won't if he knows what's good for him!" Deadpool said. He shook his leg until there was an audible pop. "Fuck!"

"Bamf!"

"I killed my own father! You think I won't kill yours!"

"Bamf!"

"You're not killing Nightcrawler. He's not killing your father," Spider-Man said in exasperation. "You are aware you're arguing with a kid, right?"

"He's a demon!"

"A cute chibi demon!"

"Bamf!" Blue said smugly and made a heart with his little chubby hands.

Spider-Man snorted. Deadpool scratched his chin with his gun as if he was considering whether or not he thought Blue was cute or not.

"Bamf?"

Deadpool sighed and put his gun away.

Both Nightwing and Hood relaxed. They stepped away and lowered their weapons but stayed alert.

"Fine," Deadpool said, elongating the word. "I'll forgive you if you bring me a change of clothes."

"Did you really kill your father?" Spidey asked after Blue teleported away.

"He was an abusive asshole. It was either him or me."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not."

BAMF!

"You have a pink suit?"

"It's for breast cancer awareness."

"Your daughter must be proud."

Wade didn't respond. He just started to strip.

"Um, guys. Do you mind giving us some privacy?" Spider-Man said as he looked from Nightwing to Red Hood while gesturing to Wade and then himself.

"You need a medic," Hood told him.

"I'm good. Promise."

"If you say so."

"I do."

Hood gestured to Nightwing so that they could get a move on. "Let's go, Wing. We still have a Dickstroke to catch."

"A what?!"

Hood snorted and took off at a run. Nightwing chased after him asking him to explain what he'd just said.