Walking Nightmare

by Lyncora Skywalker

Bella never met Jacob, never got the motorcycles, and after a month, she slipped back into her zombie phase. She's started cutting to rid herself of the pain, and it's now been a month. she does see Jacob, but she's too numb for him to have much of an effect. (this is my first Twilight Fic, to my Star Wars fans, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you:)

15. Chapter fifteen

My head hurts.

I just wanna… idk, idk where I'm going with this but I'm bored, so I'll figure something out. Personally, I enjoy talking about my life/troubles. If you want me to stop tho, I will… I'm feeling kinda… really down, right now. And since I have no idea where to take the plot (yet) I just suddenly got a good idea. This chapter will go back and recount Edward's emotions while separated from Bella. Here's a bit into how I think of it… any comments on this are cool. I think that Bella should've hurt much much more than Edward. For starters, Bella- for all intents and purposes- believed her one and only life didn't love her, and threw her aside like a toy. Edward, on the other hand, knew Bella loved him. He DECIDED to leave her. That's why I think Bella suffered more than Edward. Much more. Anyhow, sorry I took up so much space, I just feel… anyways, enjoy(:

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I'd lost her. I'd left to track her, and I'd lost her. I was a failure. It seemed wherever I went- whoever I was with- I hurt them… Bella, as usual, was amongst one of the few I couldn't think of. And yet, I thought of her constantly. And the aching pain only seemed to worsen. I lay down on the.floor, curling in on myself and letting the pain have at me. I deserved this, I told myself. This is my payment for leaving her. For letting her have a normal life. It had to be worth it. It had to be.

Boy was I glad my family couldn't see me now.

Amazingly, though the pain, rational thought seemed to both elude, and come well to me. Though the pain. The instinct to run back to her was nearly unbearable. Nearly. Through the pain, I wanted nothing more than to crawl back to Esme, to Carlisle, demanding we go back, because I couldn't do this. I couldn't live without her. But I could. I had for months and I would continue to. I had to. For her safety, for her normal life.

I whimpered through the waves of pain that consumed me. Would it ever end? Could I spend eternity like this?

No. I realized, suddenly. I couldn't do this. Let's say that Bella fell in love with another man- would I be able to deal with that? No. Let's say Bella grew old and died. Could I deal with that? Most definitely not. Humans were constantly in motion. Constantly changing. Me? I was stuck in a standstill. Me? I'd never get over this. I'd die before I'd live again.

No, I decided, I had to go back.