A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for all your reviews! You're all so awesome! Anyways, to address some confusion that may have occured, I have a needlessly long author's note at the bottom. On with the story!
Discliaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail or Homestuck.
Chapter 2: Trial of the Crab
"WELL?" The figure demanded, glaring down the shocked guild members. Erza snapped out of her daze and immediately attempted to determine the "troll's" abilities and strength. The troll was young looking, about 15-16 years old, had gray skin and short, nubby yellow and orange horns. His arms were crossed and he seemed to have a perpetual scowl on his face. His hair was jet black, his teeth were pointed and he wore a black T-shirt with a gray symbol for Cancer along with baggy gray pants and black shoes.
"We're here to complete the gauntlet," Erza stated, trying not to upset the troll, but warily gauging him. He appeared weaponless, but she didn't like the look of his pointed teeth and sharp nails. The troll seemed to scowl deeper, if possible.
"OH SO YOU'RE THE ONES THAT CELESTIAL DOUCHE WAS TALKING ABOUT," he snarled, glaring at the mages. "I WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU A FORMAL BRIEFING BECAUSE I'M THE FIRST TROLL YOU'LL ENCOUNTER, BUT THAT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS." He ran a hand through his dark black hair and let out an exasperated noise.
"If you could just give us a brief overview, that would be appreciated," Lucy said, attempting to appeal to the troll. He muttered to himself for a few minutes before sighing in defeat.
"FINE, BUT LISTEN UP, FUCKASSES, BECAUSE I'M ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE. MY FELLOW TROLLS AND I WERE ALL BROUGHT HERE BY THE GRUB SUCKING CELESTIAL KING TO TEST YOU. WE GIVE YOU CHALLENGES AND, IF YOU COMPLETE THEM, YOU GET YOUR DOOR OPENING UTENSIL OR WHATEVER BACK. HAVE YOU GOT YOUR HUMAN TIME JUDGING WRIST APPAREL?" He stared at them expectantly, while they looked back with confused expressions.
"Time judging wrist apparel?" Gray asked, confused. The troll rolled his eyes and facepalmed (x2 combo!).
"WHAT DO YOU FUCKING CALL THEM? WATCHES? WHAT A STUPIDASS NAME." The mages all glanced down at their wrists to see that they were, indeed, wearing watches.
"Woah, when did these get there?" Natsu cried, attempting to pry it off. When that didn't work, he let out an exasperated huff and started gnawing on it. Gray rolled his eyes.
"Ignore him. He's an idiot." Natsu stopped biting the metal band of the watch so he could glare at the ice mage.
"WHATEVER," the troll said, uninterested in the underlying hostility. "ANYWAYS, THE TIME JUDGING WRIST APPAREL WILL DISPLAY WHAT THE CHALLENGE FOR EACH TROLL IS BEFORE YOU CAN ADVANCE. ALSO, YOU WILL RECEIVE A "KEY" FOR THE COMPLETION OF EACH CHALLENGE, BUT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CALL YOUR CELESTIAL SPIRITS UNTIL THE GAUNTLET IS OVER."
"Wait!" Lucy said, holding up her hands. "Why do I get my keys if my spirits don't come back? How am I supposed to fight without them?" Whatever shred of patience the gray skinned being had been holding snapped when this questions was asked.
"HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A FUCKING CELESTIAL SPIRIT IS!" he raged. "I GOT WHISKED OFF THE FUCKING ASTEROID AND EVEN OUT OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE I WAS IN SO I COULD TEST YOU STUPID WRIGGLERS, AGAINST MY WILL, I MIGHT ADD! I HAVE OTHER IMPORTANT SHIT I COULD AND SHOULD BE DOING! THE UNIVERSE I WAS IN IS SO FUCKED, IT'S JUST GOING TO END UP AS A SHITTY LITTLE SMEAR IN THE COSMOS! AND WHAT AM I DOING? I'M STUCK IN THIS ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF STUPID HUMANS COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW HARD THEIR LIVES ARE. WELL HERE'S A FUCKING NEWS FLASH. LIFE SUCKS. GET USED TO IT." The team just stared at the troll as he continued to rant about how this whole thing was a waste of his time and how everyone else was stupid as fuck and so on and so forth, bluh bluh bluh…
After twenty minutes of ranting, the troll was finally winding down due to exhaustion. The rant had consisted of many expletives, violent gestures, unfamiliar terms and raising of the middle finger. Lucy cleared her throat hesitantly.
"I'm very sorry that happened to you, er-?"
"KARKAT," the troll supplied, glaring at the mages.
"Yes, I'm sorry that happened to you Karkat. However, if you give us the challenge now, we can complete our gauntlet sooner and you can return to your universe sooner." The troll seemed to consider this.
"FINE. I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE," he conceded. "MIGHT AS WELL GET THIS SHITTY TASK OVER WITH."
"So what's the challenge?" Natsu grinned, punching his fist into his open palm. He looked ready for a fight.
"I ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE A CHALLENGE PLANNED," Karkat admitted, almost sheepishly.
"What?" Lucy cried.
"How are we supposed to get through this if you don't have a challenge?" Gray asked, irritated.
"SHUT UP. I'M THINKING," Karkat responded, turning his back on the group and muttering to himself. The team sweatdropped.
Suddenly, all their watches started beeping. They looked down at the "time judging wrist apparel" to see a message flash over the face of the watch.
"Challenge: Make the troll touch a common item of your choice." The mages glanced at each other, confused.
"I thought the troll said he didn't have a challenge," Natsu said, scratching his head in confusion.
"Maybe if they don't have a challenge, the King decides for them?" Erza speculated.
"Well, we have to choose a common item," Gray said.
"Gray, your clothes."
"Dammit!"
"Anyways," Lucy began. "What item should we choose?" The watch beeped again.
"Item decided: Bucket."
"Looks like we weren't fast enough," Erza sighed. "The King sure is impatient." The air next to Lucy's feet shimmered and a bucket appeared by her side.
"So we just have to make him touch a bucket?" Natsu asked, disappointed he wouldn't get to fight.
"Seems straight forward enough," Erza nodded. She grabbed the bucket and strode forward to tap the troll on the shoulder. "We can complete our challenge if you just touch this." She held the bucket out in front of her.
"BUT I DON'T HAVE A CHALLENGE," Karkat said, turning around. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU- OH MY GOG WHAT IS THAT?!" he bared his fangs and backed away from the outstretched bucket. "WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU EVER THRUST THAT DISGUSTING RECEPTACLE IN FRONT OF YOU, OH NO DON'T COME ANY CLOSER WITH THAT I SWEAR, I WILL KILL YOU!"
"I don't get it," Gray muttered. "What's wrong with that bucket?" Karkat was still snarling at Erza who continued to advance on him.
"OH MY GOG, STOP WALKING TOWARDS ME! IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK HUMAN PRANK? PUT THAT HORRIFYING BULGE JUICE ENCRUSTED RECEPTACLE AWAY! I WILL NEVER TOUCH THAT! GATHER WHATEVER WISPS OF THOUGHT YOU CAN AND GET IT IN YOUR THINK PAN THAT I WOULD NOT TOUCH THAT THING WITH A NINETY FOOT CULLING ROD! STOP BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR OCULAR SPHERES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE!"
"For God's sake," Erza muttered, attempting to trap the troll. He kept eluding her grasp, all the while hissing curses and threats. "Alright, I've had enough." She darted forward and grabbed the troll by the wrist, only to suddenly jump backwards as if he had struck her.
Gray and Natsu were suddenly on guard. "What's wrong, Erza?" Lucy asked. Erza didn't respond, but wiped a thin line of blood from her cheek, breathing heavily with eyes locked on the troll. The mages looked back at Karkat, who was scowling and clutched a purple and green sickle in each hand, one of which was tinted slightly red.
"I WILL NEVER VOLUNTARILY TOUCH THAT OBSCENE OBJECT," he snarled, raising his weapons.
"Where did those come from?!" Natsu muttered, his fists bursting into flames.
"I'm not sure," Gray replied, tightening his stance. "I'm pretty sure he was unarmed when we entered!" Erza rolled her eyes.
"We will get through this gauntlet," she announced, almost as a challenge, and charged the troll. Karkat attempted to swing his sickles at her, but she was too fast. She ducked his initial blows and then, with an odd gleam in her eyes, hurled the bucket with as much force as she could muster directly into his face.
"OH GOG, GET THIS OFF ME!" Karkat yelled, falling to the ground and flailing about. "THAT WAS UNDOUBTEDLY THE MOST FUCKING REPULSIVE THING I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED IN MY LIFE!" All the mages felt themselves sweatdrop as the troll continued yelling at the top of his lungs and breaking the sound barrier.
"Maybe it's like their weakness or something," Lucy muttered. Gray shrugged while Natsu (reluctantly) doused his flames.
"For some reason I don't think we'll be so lucky that we can just charge through all the chambers with a bucket thrust in front of us," Gray responded. Natsu was nearly in tears laughing at Karkat, who was still raging on the ground.
Unexpectedly, the room seemed to explode with golden light. It appeared as though the light came from the walls themselves. The mages all had to shield their eyes once again.
"I'm getting real sick of this," muttered Gray, attempting to blink spots out of his eyes. When the light faded, a golden key with the Cancer symbol was left in Karkat's place.
"I guess that's it?" Lucy said uncertainly, striding forward to grab the key. The guild mates looked at each other and shrugged before heading towards another set of doors on the other side of the chamber.
Lucy looked confused. "I thought the troll said I wouldn't get my celestial spirits back."
"Maybe Karkat was mistaken," Erza said.
"He didn't look very stable either," Natsu grinned.
"What gate is this, Lucy?" Erza asked, attempting to discern what the next zodiac sign was. It looked like a circle with a curved tail. Lucy looked up at the symbol and smiled sadly.
"Open, Gate of the Lion Palace!"
":33 *ac looks up curiously* oh? visitors? I'm so purrleased to m33t you!"
~~~~~A Few Chambers Further Down~~~~~
Gamzee wandered around his chamber with a glazed look on his face.
"Aw MaN. i'Ve BeEn StUcK iN hErE fOr So MoThErFuCkInG lOnG…" He continued aimlessly circling around the room. "AnD i CaN't FiNd AnY pIe… HeY kInG bRo… CoUlD yOu SpArE sOmE sOpOr PiE? I kNoW yOu HaVe SoMe…" There was no response. Gamzee started getting impatient. There was a dull throbbing in the back of his think pan.
Twenty minutes later his head was pounding so hard that even his eyes ached. "KING BRO. give me some pie. ACTUALLY NEVER MIND. pie just rusts your think pan. MY HEAD HURTS. it hurts. HONK. honk. HONK. hahahahaha…" :O)
A/N: Bluh, bluh... That was actually a fun chapter to write... *just wanted to have Karkat hit with a bucket* ehehehe...
So here we go with the long a/n, courtesy of my shitty writing skills in the last chapter, and just some other things I want to clarify.
Q. Why does Karkat say fuckass if it's Jade's term and why did Nepeta call him Karkitty?
A. The latter is due to the fact that I forgot that Nepeta doesn't use the term "Karkitty" canonically. The former is because I like the word fuckass. It's fun to have him say. :/
Q. So where are the trolls on the timeline?
A. A very good question. They're pretty much where homestuck is now, I guess. Except, ya know. They're all alive. So the trolls know about the humans and dream bubbles and junk. I used the term "middle" as more of an expression than an actual indicator of where in the timeline the trolls were.
Q. Wait, they can't all be alive! Hussie killed off *insert troll here* in Homestuck!
A. Yes. Yes, he did. But they are alive now because... because I said so. XP *doesn't really have an explanation* Just pretend it's some point in the timeline when all the trolls are alive... Perhaps before Gamzee enters murder mode or whatever.
Q. So are the humans gonna show up?
A. As much as I love them, they probably won't make an appearance. I might mention them in passing or something like that.
That's all for now! Please review so I can be a better writer! :D