Quotes:
Anger - Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. – Buddha.
Anxiety - The only thing that could spoil a day was people. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself. ~Ernest Hemingway
The redhead looked at the cane and then back at her, obviously musing over her angry abandonment. His face was delicately handsome, his nose smaller than average, his cheekbones high and pronounced. His jawline softened the overall harsh effect his black eye tattoos may have had upon his face. His skin was pure white and fragile-looking. Overall, he looked like a cross between a sickly invalid whose skin had never been touched by the sun, and a gangster, bizarrely enough. This observation was certainly aided by the swirling tattoos Sakura spotted inching their way down both of his arms.
He extended the cane her way, pale eyes staring into her own as though he was attempting to find meaning there.
Sakura turned away abruptly, swiping at her face to get rid of the angry tears, sniffing hard.
The boy simply walked around her, his face suddenly appearing before her eyes, extremely close to her own.
She jerked backwards, the dull throbbing ache in her legs searing from the sudden movement. She clutched the lockers again, closing her eyes and breathing deeply, wishing more than anything that Ino was here.
"Are you in pain?" The strange boy asked, "Do you not need this?"
Sakura opened her eyes, noting that the boy was once again offering her the cane. She gritted her teeth, swallowing her pride, and seized the cane without a thank you, repositioning herself and feeling some of the ache melt away as the cane took her weight.
"Haruno Sakura," The boy said seriously, watching her wince, "The girl with anger issues."
"Yes, that is my full name." She said scathingly, "But you can call me Sakura."
"Fine." He replied, seemingly missing her sarcasm, "You may call me Gaara."
"Gaara." Sakura said flatly, disbelieving, "Thank you for your generosity."
Gaara nodded his head as though they really were having a pleasantly polite conversation, and Sakura wasn't looking at him like he was crazy.
"Stop calling me the girl with anger issues." Sakura said bluntly, now that sarcasm didn't seem like an effective method of communicating her displeasure.
"Is that not what you are?" Gaara tilted his head like a bird watching a particularly interesting insect, his expression curious.
"It's not all I am." She said simply.
He nodded again, his fingers tapping a rhythm along his thigh in a seeming unconscious movement, "Good. So you admit you have problems."
"Listen here –" Sakura started to snap, her anger flaring at Gaara's mockery, but he snapped his fingers abruptly, shaking his head.
"No," He said, apparently unaware that cutting someone off mid-speech by clicking your fingers was considered rude, "If I angered you, I apologise. But there is no point trying to verbalise it."
"What?" Sakura screwed up her face, confused.
Gaara gave her a blank look, "You feel as though there is a 'storm of emotions swirling inside you. That your anger is fed by every indignity you suffer, every snide comment and every bad thing that happens to you, until one day you explode.' When you get angry, it is good to talk about it, yes, but first you should figure out if it is really worth being angry about. Snapping or exploding leads to mess."
Silence.
What the fuck was that all supposed to mean? She thought to herself, rolling her eyes.
"Well, thanks for the advice." She said, flashing him a quick, false grin, gripping the cane, "I better go, before you critique some other clearly obvious aspect of my personality."
She set off down the corridor, intent on finding a bathroom to wash her face in.
"There is one thing." Gaara called down the hall, "Your limp is inconsistent."
Sakura stopped, shifting so her elbow rested on top of the cane. She turned her head, a painfully bitter smile on her face, "Huh." She said, sounding mildly surprised.
He looked at her; pale eyes tracing the not-quite-smile on her face, watching her swallow a scowl back like a pill.
"Doc says it's psychosomatic," She smiled, "Pain's all messed up. I have good and bad days. Medication doesn't help when the pain's in your head. It's worse than the real pain. The real pain goes away," She laughed, a mirthless, bitter sound, "Can't even fucking limp right."
Gaara just stared at her, unblinking.
It helped that he didn't look like he pitied her. It was the pity that made her come undone, made her realise just how pathetic she had become.
"It's nothing." She said quietly, almost speaking to herself.
"Your grades are slipping." Gaara said, "Iruka told me to tutor you."
Sakura blinked at the randomness of the statement and then laugh, "I don't care if they're slipping. Let them slip, let them fall for all I care. I'm not being tutored by anyone."
"You are difficult." He stated, "I said he told me to tutor you. He wasn't asking."
Sakura pointed her cane at him, smirking, "Have to catch me first. Gotta warn you, I'm pretty fast."
The classroom door creaked open and Ino peered out.
Upon seeing Sakura, she rushed to her friend's side and immediately began fussing over her, "I'm so glad you're still here! Kakashi-sensei wouldn't let me leave for ages, I had to argue with him, are you OK? I was so worried about you! I'm sure the class wasn't laughing at you, a lot of people asked if you were OK after you left."
"So many words." Gaara observed, his cloudy eyes looking vague and distant.
Ino finally noticed the tattooed male standing near them, looking out of place and slightly lost. She gave him a filthy look. He returned her glance with a mildly puzzled expression.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Ino asked, irritated, "Are you stalking Sakura?"
"He's my tutor." Sakura laughed, shrugging in defeat when Gaara looked inquiringly at her.
"Tutor?" Ino made a face, "You're the smartest girl I know!"
"Iruka-sensei thinks my grades are slipping." Sakura said, clearly amused, "It's like he thinks I care."
Ino looked unsettled, "You used to care, Sakura. When we were kids –"
"Yeah, well, we aren't kids anymore, are we?" Sakura snapped, immediately regretting it when Ino's face fell, "I'm sorry. I just… I don't care about school, I don't care about my grades. I've only been back two days, anyway, how could my grades have slipped in that time?" She turned to Gaara, confused.
His eyes flickered with some fleeting emotion, his fingers still tapping the same rhythm on his leg, "Only back two days?"
"I joined the circus," She said, deadpan, "Came back after I fell off the tightrope. Onto a flaming hoop. Got gnawed on by a lion. Occupational hazard. Anyway, I've only just come back to school, so why the hell is Iruka-sensei already on my case, assigning me a tutor?"
"Maybe he wanted to keep your grades from slipping," Gaara appeared to be raising his eyebrows but it was impossible to tell, given that he didn't have any.
Sakura thought about it. Iruka was her form teacher and thus her Mother Hen. He fussed and clucked about everything she did. He was the guy who diligently wrote reports on all of his students' progress and sent letters to parents if their kids had consistently poor attendance. It sounded like him to have pounced on a smart kid to ensure her grades improved the moment she came back.
"Well, it's nice that he cares, I guess." Ino said hesitantly, looking wary. She always looked cautious around Sakura these days, as though she was a ticking time bomb.
Sakura shrugged carelessly, feeling oddly grateful that now, instead of just turning up for school wondering if the pain was going to bad or not that day, she had something to focus on, tutoring sessions to schedule and work around. People build their lives on monotonous events, like thinking how next Tuesday you were going to pick out the colour for your kitchen tiles and how you had to call your mother in an hour – without this, you just existed aimlessly, without any sense of purpose.
Sakura occasionally found herself sitting on her bedroom floor watching dust motes lazily drifting through the rays of sunlight coming through her window. Those days were always long and mind-numbingly boring. She could almost feel her brain cells crying out for stimulation, begging her to pick up a book, write a song, to just do something.
But doing anything was an effort these days. She felt like she was being dragged down somewhere. She didn't know where she was sinking or what was pulling her, but it was someplace dark and cold and she didn't want to be there.
So, tutoring. Maybe not a terrible idea.
"OK, so when are we going to be meeting up?" Sakura demanded suddenly, surprising Gaara into another quick almost eyebrow raise.
He seemed to take a long time to think about it, his pale eyes turning distant once more, staring off into nothing, "Every day after school."
"No." Sakura shook her head, "No way. I have a life to attend to, I can't have an extra hour of school." She was sure she could find a life to fill the extra hours if she tried really, really hard.
"After school on Tuesdays and Fridays, then?" Gaara suggested.
Ino was frowning, her teeth nibbling her bottom lip.
Sakura's phone buzzed angrily in her pocket. She retrieved it, rolling her eyes at the number that flashed up on the screen.
"Mummy Dearest." She said by way of greeting, turning away from Gaara and Ino.
"Sakura, how are you feeling? You didn't take any extra meds with you!" Her mother chided.
"Didn't need 'em," Sakura lied easily and cheerfully, "Pain-free and happy! Thinking about enrolling in Interpretive Dance."
"That's not funny."
"Yes it is. Are you implying you think I'm a bad dancer?" Sakura asked in mock-outrage. She heard a dry huff sound like a laugh and assumed it was Gaara. If it was Ino, she'd have been worried that her friend was capable of producing such a gruff sound.
"Don't be facetious." Her mother said, exasperated. That was better. She sounded more like serious-business nurse-Mom, not oh-dear-you-forgot-your-meds-sob-worry-worry-worry-Mom.
"I'm a fantastic dancer, I'll have you know. My legs are fine, I'm fine, a little hungry but that's easily fixed. Can we have a big dinner?"
"Sweetheart, you remember you've got an appointment with Tezuka-san today." Her mother pointed out, "At half four. If you wait at the hospital, I'll give you a lift when I'm finished."
"Oooooh, Crazy Lady. Awesome. I wonder if I can make her cry again… Why are you at the hospital? It's your day off."
"Well, we have an unpaid intern, Neji. You've met him, I had to decide what he can be trusted in doing. I think I've narrowed it down to anything that doesn't involve the patients or medication in anyway."
"So, coffee?"
"Yep."
"I bet he's thrilled."
"Oh, he was. Enough to tell me he 'isn't here to wait on idiotic nurses who can't tell their arses from their elbows.'" Her mother said wryly.
Sakura frowned, a warning tingle of annoyance crackling in the air around her, like a physical presence. "Oh did he? Maybe I should have words…"
"Don't. I get the impression he's used to disappointment. He was acting like he'd expected something like this, not being allowed to do anything he wanted to. Poor kid looked crushed. What did he expect, really? People pay a lot of money to be treated in this hospital, I can't just allow their lives to be in the hands of a novice with absolutely no field experience."
Her mother often described hospital life like a battlefield, making Sakura picture every intern in military fatigues, covered in dust and blood, her mother shoving a gun at them and pushing them through the hospital entrance shouting, "GO, GO, GO!"
If that was what it was really like to work there, she might be less reluctant about becoming a nurse. Her mother hadn't exactly recommended the career, but back when Sakura was twelve and enthusing about medicine, she couldn't stop the approving smile from forming on her face. Of course, Sakura would rather chop off her legs than become a nurse now.
"Right, I'm hanging up," Sakura announced brusquely, smiling slightly at the huffing sound of annoyance her mother made, "See you on the battlefield."
"I've told you not to call it that, it's a hospi –"
Sakura hung up, cutting her mother off mid-lecture, and turned around to face Gaara and Ino.
They appeared to both be engaged in some odd form of staring combat, Ino glaring unashamedly right in Gaara's face, and he returning the stare with absolutely no expression.
"Tutor," Sakura said grandly, "I'm going to have to skip today's session."
Gaara turned to stare at her, his look saying you have got to be kidding me.
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Hinata sat in the canteen again, eyes on the basketball court outside. She could see several figures jumping about and messing around with a ball, but none of them had Naruto's signature hair or frenetic energy.
She sighed a little and pulled her coat around her, feeling cold despite being inside. The sunlight looked watery, like it was being filtered or strained by something in the sky. Hinata pictured a giant metal sieve lodged in the clouds, the sun's light pouring through it, and smiled to herself.
The noise of the canteen wasn't so intrusive now, the sounds of the students' conversations more like a soft burbling rather than a dull roar.
Hinata stood up slowly, feeling extra conscious of the stares her movement drew. She crossed the canteen quickly, steps a little uneven, her body trembling slightly.
The dinner ladies stood behind the food counter, ladling soup in bowls and handing out plates.
She could smell the pizza, the fresh scent of tomato and cheese. Her father never allowed anything he deemed 'junk food' in the house and, unfortunately, he included pizza in this category, meaning Hinata had only ever had a few heavenly forbidden mouthfuls in her life. They had all tasted fantastic to her.
One of the dinner ladies saw her coming and looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to order what she wanted. The woman was about thirty and looked tired, bags under her eyes and her skin a chalky shade of white.
"…" Hinata opened her mouth. Her throat seized up in anxiety as the woman stared at her. To cover her growing embarrassment, she started to fiddle with her purse, digging out money.
"I'll have the ramen please!" Naruto's voice exploded next to Hinata's ear, startling a gasp out of her. She turned, clasping her chest above her wildly beating heart.
Naruto loomed over her, sweaty and beaming, his grin blindingly white and wide.
"Oh, Hinata-chan! What're you having? I'm having ramen!" He babbled, still grinning that beautiful grin at her, unaware that she was actually going slightly faint at the sight of it close up.
She wordlessly pointed at the pizza, hoping the dinner lady didn't take offense at her bluntness and impertinence –
The woman seemed unoffended, picking up a slice of pizza and pointing at the chips, "Want some of these on the side?" She asked.
Hinata nodded, knowing that it was extremely unladylike to drool at the prospect of food and yet finding it hard all the same…
"Of course she will!" Naruto said incredulously, "What is pizza without the delicacy that is the chip?" His voice was dramatic and amusingly over-the-top, "Of course, it doesn't compare to ramen, but I can forgive you for that, Hinata-chan!"
He winked at her and her knees actually went weak.
She retrieved a few coins from her purse and handed them to the woman, dry-mouthed, hoping it was enough, despite the prices displayed next to the food in question, terrified she'd be humiliated when the woman loudly announced she had given the wrong –
But the woman simply nodded and handed over the plate of pizza and chips without a word, even giving her some change in return.
Hinata took the plate, euphoria soaring, her smile becoming a little less shy, and a bit happier. She did it! Without a word, sure, but she did it!
Naruto was chatting away as he collected his ramen, "So, Hinata-chan, come sit with me and Sasuke-bastard – unless you've got friends waiting, no? – OK, so sit with us and I'll let you have some ramen if you like, it's the best kind, miso!"
Hinata nodded away, hoping her face wasn't as red as it felt as Naruto casually slung his arm around her neck and pulled her to the table that Sasuke was already sitting at.
She sat next down gingerly, putting the plate down on the table and picking up her knife and fork after politely nodding at Sasuke, who gave a slight head jerk that may or may not have been a tiny nod in return.
"Hinata-chan…" Naruto said gravely, gazing at her as he sat down in the seat next to hers.
Her heart sank, what had she done wrong already?
"You can't eat pizza with a knife and fork!" He cried out, gesturing at her plate, "That's unnatural! You pick it up and eat it like this," He demonstrated, pretending to hold up pizza to his mouth, taking a bite out of thin air.
Hinata slowly put her knife and fork down, picking the slice of pizza up carefully under Naruto's encouraging grin. She bit into it delicately, wiping her mouth and smiling at the taste. It was much better than she'd remembered it.
"That's it!" Naruto said happily.
Sasuke rolled his eyes.
Hinata took another bite and smiled at Naruto unguardedly, forgetting her embarrassment completely. He looked surprised, and then his eyes crinkled up into another genuine smile. He had a mouthful of ramen and was dribbling sauce, and yet Hinata couldn't withhold her giggle, she wasn't disgusted as she should have been, she thought he looked adorable, like a little kid.
"Now try my ramen!" He insisted, pushing the steaming cup her way.
Sasuke shook his head, smirking in amusement, "Don't worry, he makes all his new friends try ramen," He said to Hinata, ignoring Naruto's clear irritation, "My advice is to spit it out straightaway. It's lethal."
Hinata turned alarmed eyes on the cup of noodles, which looked innocuous enough, but hadn't her father mentioned all of the chemicals they put in instant food?
"Don't listen to him," Naruto huffed, "He doesn't know anything about good food."
Sasuke gave his salad a look, spearing a tomato with his fork and munching on it thoughtfully, "No, it's still good." He shrugged.
Hinata struggled with the chopsticks, but managed to get a few grey-looking noodles hooked on them, pulling them up carefully towards her mouth.
Naruto watched eagerly as she ate the ramen, almost bursting with excitement.
Oh, ew. No, there was no getting around it, it was horrible.
"What do you think?" Naruto was practically bouncing on his seat, staring straight at her.
She couldn't lie…
She swallowed, pushing the cup away. Sasuke looked knowing.
She took a deep breath and opened her mouth, "Tastes good." She managed to say quietly, her face flushing red at the sound of her own voice.
Naruto beamed proudly, "I know! I know! Hey, me and Sasuke-bastard always go to Ichiraku for ramen on Sundays after practice, wanna come with us? You can have as much ramen as you want there!"
Hinata was stunned. He barely knew her, and was inviting her out to eat with him? Should she say no? She wanted to say yes so badly… She knew what her father, what Neji would say if either of them knew what she was contemplating doing.
Sasuke was looking at her silently, waiting for her response. He didn't look like he resented her presence at all, but perhaps he could hide his feelings well?
"Y-yes, yes please…" Hinata stammered out, her face now hot.
Naruto put his arm around her again, "Awesome! You sure your cousin won't mind?"
Neji…
Hinata gave Naruto a pained smile, shaking her head.
"Your cousin?" Sasuke asked, eyes narrowing.
"Some guy named Neji, he was just being a bit protective of Hinata-chan," Naruto yawned, "No need! I'm a stand-up guy, right Sasuke?"
"Oh, yeah, sure you are." Sasuke said sarcastically.
"Oi! I so am a nice guy!"
"Sure."
"I am!"
Hinata finished her pizza, listening to Sasuke and Naruto bicker good-naturedly about anything and everything, feeling Naruto's arm around her shoulders the whole time.
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Hanabi sat up straight on the settee, her hands in her lap, her legs uncrossed, in perfect form. Hinata tried to copy her stance to the best of her ability, feeling a little awkward in the faux-graceful pose.
Neji sat on the other settee, watching his uncle through narrowed, wary eyes.
Hiashi stood before them, having called a meeting with them all ten minutes earlier.
"The company thinks it best if we focus on improving the workers' morale." Hiashi said suddenly, "Because of this, we have decided to hold a ball for the workers. As my children, I expect you to attend, and begin your first steps in the world of socialising."
He was very big on socialising, he was very good at mingling in parties and keeping people happy.
Hinata froze in her seat. A ball. She would be required to dance in front of hundreds of strangers, to speak with these strangers and to above all, not embarrass her father.
She pictured herself trying to talk to some stern-faced businessman, and seeing her father's disappointed, angry face.
She couldn't do it.
Standing in some long, floor-length gown, makeup smeared all over her face, trying to keep up her obviously fake smile, trying to speak, to make her father proud…
Hanabi coughed quietly, glancing at Neji.
"Will Neji-nii-san be attending the ball with us as a group?" She questioned her father, raising an eyebrow.
Hiashi hesitated, looking at his nephew. Neji looked away, his jaw clenched angrily.
"…Yes," Hiashi said slowly. Neji stared at him, shocked, "As my nephew, it would only be proper to attend."
Hinata smiled gratefully, at least one good thing would come of this nightmare, this would be a time that Neji would not be left out, not be treated like an unwanted burden. Neji looked as though he was fighting a smile.
Hanabi huffed, but flicked her hair back and said eagerly, "Do we get new dresses?"
She managed to provoke a dry chuckle from her father, "I suppose you ought to, considering the occasion… Neji, you do not have a suit, do you?"
Neji swallowed, "No, Hiashi-sama, I do not."
"Well, you are almost a man now. I will take you with me when I go to get a new suit fitted, I assume you will be willing to wear one, correct?"
Neji nodded, looking speechless.
Hiashi had invited him to a workers' ball and offered to buy him a suit, all in one conversation. Hinata had never once imagined her father would do such a thing, not with his pride holding him back.
But, this ball… She felt the tears threatening at the mere thought of it. What could she do?
She didn't feel comfortable talking at all, not unless she was with her grandmother, or Naruto…
Perhaps that was it. Surely she could invite someone to come, her father would be pleased she was making connections at all, despite whom she was connecting with.
She would invite Naruto to the ball, and he would help her through it.
Heeeeeeeellooooo again.
More hints about Sakura and she and Gaara talk properly for the first time! If you ask me about Sakura's limp, I can't really say anything about it except her legs do hurt sometimes but other times her mind tricks her into believing they hurt when they don't. This Sakura is funny to write, but also annoying at times.
Hinata eats ramen and pizza! Naruto invites her out for food! A ball will be thrown!
Exciting stuff XD
Ah, this is the bit of the story where you have to build everything steadily and you just wanna plough in there with the major plot points…
The song from the chapter title is by Nine Inch Nails - Every Day Is Exactly The Same :)
The full quote is:
'I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
Oh, no.'
It's kind of perfect for Hinata and her fears.
Sakura gets a tutor, but doesn't really seem to care…
As someone who has social anxiety disorder (I may as well admit it, it's probably obvious even over the internet XD), I can tell you, the idea of a ball is mine and Hinata's worst nightmare. Ever. Having one good friend makes all the difference, though :) Hinata wants Naruto to be that friend!
Good night! I so need sleep now, my darlings!
It's like one in the morning, why am I writing this, I NEED SLEEP XD
Quick poll for fun: Do you have any kind of mental condition or disorder that affects your life?
If you do, darlings, I'm happy to chat about it :)