Quotes:
Anxiety - Oh the nerves, the nerves; the mysteries of this machine called man! Oh the little that unhinges it, poor creatures that we are! ~Charles Dickens
Anger - If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. –Chinese Proverb.
Perhaps the best thing about the school was the library. For Hinata, with its tall bookcases, dark corners and secret alcoves for bookworms to sit in, it was the perfect place to hide from the world.
Hinata sat in a tiny alcove built into the wall. She'd brought a cushion with her from home, well prepared as always, and nestled into it, a large book in her hands. It was one of her favourites, the kind of book you loved enough to read over and over without getting bored. It was a book of fairy tales, with beautifully painted illustrations and thrilling narration.
Hinata smiled as her finger traced the fairy queen's painted face. She looked a little bit like Hinata's own mother; she thought to herself happily, it was the kindness in the eyes.
"Hinata-chan!" Naruto's voice rang out from the manga section, his grinning face appearing moments later, peeking around a bookcase.
"I knew it was you!" He said triumphantly, "No one else breathes like that!"
Hinata dropped the book in surprise, wincing when it landed on her foot.
How did she breathe? Too loudly, weirdly? What was wrong with it?
"Oh, sorry!" He jumped at the sound of the book slamming onto her foot, rushing over, "Didn't mean to scare you. You breathe with little snuffly sounds, it's cute!"
Hinata's face instantly turned redder than hellfire. C-cute…
"Lemme see your foot." He said, pulling her shoe off carefully, holding her ankle. Hinata caught her breath – her cute, snuffly breath! – as he examined her foot.
"I have no idea if this is OK or not." Naruto said, pouting, turning her foot around at all angles, "Wanna go see the nurse?"
Hinata shook her head, the light touch of his fingers on her bare ankle enough to silence her for decades, even a simple 'no,' was beyond her now.
"Well, I was thinking, you know how you don't talk much?" Naruto chatted, grinning, "I had a great idea! We can talk with these!"
He rifled through his bag after absently dropping her foot, pulling out a collection of post-it notes and two pens.
"Look, I'll write something, then you reply with yours!" He seemed genuinely enthused with his idea.
Hinata took the little sticky papers with a puzzled look.
Naruto started to scribble something on his, tongue sticking out as he concentrated.
He held up the note with a dazzling grin.
Hey Hinata-chan!
Hinata felt her eyes well up at his kindness. Naruto barely knew her and he was making attempts to communicate with her better, not judging her for her inabilities, only trying to help her overcome them.
She wrote her reply carefully, her writing cursive and delicate.
Hello, Naruto-kun. Thank you.
Naruto read it, his grin brightening.
No need 2 thank me! R u just shy or what?
Hinata swallowed, hesitantly putting pen to paper.
I think there might be something wrong with me.
Naruto's grin disappeared.
Like wot?
She took a deep breath. Be brave, she reminded herself, and honest. It's important to be honest.
I get very anxious about social things. I find talking hard. I don't know why, but I want to get better.
Naruto scrunched up his face in confusion.
Get better? U rn't sick r u? Y do u think talking's hard? It's easy! Just open ur mouth and talk :)
Well, I think it's more than just shyness. I open my mouth to say things but it's like I don't have a voice, I stutter and nothing comes out. It can be quite embarrassing.
Huh, Hinata-chan! U've got a voice, dn't worry, it's in there somewhere! :) Practice talking! Right now!
She looked up after reading his last message to find him making faces at her.
She burst into helpless giggles.
"See!" He looked proud, "Can't laugh without a voice, can you? Now, say 'hello.'"
She glanced at him, her smile fading. This kind of test, this pressure… this was the worst. Her father did this. She knew Naruto only wanted to help, but her cheeks were growing red already and her throat was beginning to tighten…
"He…" She bit her bottom lip, hard, closing her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall, "He…"
"Hey, don't worry if you can't, Hinata-chan!" Naruto said, sounding concerned, but Hinata heard the note of confusion, of scepticism, in his voice. She got this reaction a lot. People would stare at her incredulously, asking her what was so hard about speaking, it was one of the most natural things in life and how had she even reached sixteen without learning to speak? Baby.
Why was I cursed with such a useless daughter?
Useless.
Hinata opened her eyes, tears clinging to her lashes. Naruto looked taken aback.
She wrote quickly, her hand shaking.
Please come to a ball my father is hosting. I will find it too hard on my own. I understand we hardly know each other, but I would appreciate this.
Please… please… she thought, I can't do this alone, look at how pathetic I am, unable to even say hello in casual situations? A whole ball on my own? I couldn't…
But Naruto was shaking his head, "A ball? With dancing and suits and stuff? Well, I don't really know you at all, Hinata-chan, and it's a bit sudden… I'm really sorry…"
Hinata nodded, tears spilling down her cheeks, thrusting the little notes back at him with a deep bow, "I'm – I'm sorry!" She managed to choke out.
She walked off quickly, wiping her eyes.
Naruto stared after her, looking confused. He bent down slowly and picked up the book of fairy tales she had dropped.
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She wasn't an eavesdropper. Politeness, courtesy, manners – these attributes were hardwired into her DNA. She hated the idea of listening in on someone else's conversation.
But right now, she really had no choice but to listen.
She stood in the girl's cloakroom, her hand idly toying with her coat on its peg, wondering when it would be polite to leave.
The moment she had gone in to get her coat, Naruto and Sasuke had appeared from nowhere, for once in their school uniforms, and had started talking about her. She didn't want to cause them any embarrassment by leaving and making it obvious she had heard their conversation. She decided to wait until they left.
"… But don't you think there's something wrong with that girl?" Sasuke drawled, leaning against the wall opposite Naruto.
Naruto's voice was uncertain, "Wrong? Like how?"
"She's more than shy. She can't even speak. You sure you know what you're doing, dobe, hanging out with a girl you don't understand?"
"Don't understand!" Naruto huffed, "What's there to understand? She's a nice girl, and yeah she's a bit shy but –"
"You have the sensitivity and subtlety of a sledgehammer," Sasuke said bluntly, "You'll say something wrong and you know it."
"I won't!" Naruto sounded very indignant, "I don't get your problem. Maybe she's got a few problems with speaking and stuff, but got around that problem, look!" There was a rustling of fabric and paper as Naruto shoved something as Sasuke, "I bought post-it notes and pens especially so I could talk to Hinata-chan without her face going red."
"'Please come to a ball my father is hosting. I will find it too hard on my own. I understand we hardly know each other, but I would appreciate this.'" Sasuke read aloud slowly. Hinata squeaked almost inaudibly with embarrassment, "So, what did you say?"
"Well… I said no." It sounded like Naruto was shuffling on the spot.
Sasuke sighed, "Idiot."
"What could I say! She's pretty creepy, sort of, and I felt bad but –"
Hinata felt her breathing quicken. He thought she was creepy. She covered her mouth with her hand to stop them hearing her sobs.
A girl suddenly lurched out of the shadows of the opposite wall, stumbling into the wall of the cloakroom. She cursed loudly, swearing a blue streak. Hinata heard Sasuke and Naruto fall silent and frantically hoped they wouldn't dare come inside the girl's cloakroom.
They would.
"You alright?" Naruto called out, entering the girl's cloakroom without a fraction of shame, Sasuke following close behind.
The girl had a cane, which she waved at Naruto and Sasuke, "I'm dandy, mate, now get the fuck out."
Naruto looked startled, but just then Hinata's breathing hitched as Sasuke's eyes fell over her, quite by accident in the dark, and she saw his eyes widen in recognition.
"Shit." He breathed out.
"Hm?" Naruto turned to see what Sasuke was staring at.
Hinata, hand over mouth, tears trickling down her face, took a step backwards, embarrassed, and felt her foot get caught in someone's coat. She fell backwards, right onto the floor. She lay there for a second, shocked, the floor cool beneath her cheek.
"Hinata-chan! Are you OK?"
"Oi, you alright?" The girl asked, bending down to look at Hinata, offering her the cane.
Hinata took the cane and the girl, pink-haired and surprisingly small and feminine for someone with such a severe case of potty mouth, pulled her up.
She was shaking. Naruto was looking at her with a mixture of confusion and concern, Sasuke was stepping towards her, the girl cocking her head and saying something…
Hinata felt weak. Humiliated. She ran, sprinting past Sasuke even as his hands grabbed for her, ignoring Naruto's cry of, "Wait, Hinata-chan!"
She was such a fool, she thought to herself scathingly, thinking a popular, cheerful boy like Naruto would actually like her. How could you like someone who couldn't even speak? What good was she?
Her breathing was coming much too fast, and now she'd noticed it, it got worse, her heart speeding up. She stopped running and leant against a wall, panting, clutching her chest, her heart thumping an irregular, fast beat.
She couldn't breathe…
She was making wheezing noises now, and sank to the floor, still managing to feel embarrassed that there were students walking around and she was there in plain sight, crying hysterically and wheezing loudly.
Her hand, shaking badly, managed to reach into her pocket, pulling out her phone.
She dialled the number slowly, barely having the energy to push the buttons, and held the phone up to her ear, sobbing breathlessly.
"Hyuuga Hiroko speaking, who is it?" Her grandmother answered abruptly.
Hinata couldn't speak, knowing her grandmother could hear her panicked wheezes and cries.
"…Hinata?" She asked, sounding worried, "Is that you, sweetheart? Can you breathe?"
"N-No!" Hinata cried out, her body trembling beyond her control, "Please… please help…"
"Listen to me. You need to calm down. I know it's hard, but try to slow your breathing. Focus. In… and out… in… and out… that's it. OK, can you tell me where you are?"
"S-school…" Hinata tried to say more, but her throat ached so much and her breath was coming in and out in shallow gasps.
"I can't drive whilst talking on the phone, blasted modern laws, so I'm going to have to hang up, sweetheart."
Hinata couldn't stop the panicked whimper from escaping.
"You will be fine, I promise you. It's a panic attack, sweetheart, nasty things, but never fatal. I know it must feel like you're having a heart attack, but you'll be just fine, so breathe slowly and deeply, alright? Stay where you are. I'll come and find you quickly. Goodbye."
The phone cut off and Hinata let it fall from her nerveless fingers.
"Hinata-chan!" Naruto shouted, running down the hall, throwing himself down next to her, his big blue eyes worried, "What's wrong?"
The girl from before limped over with Sasuke trying to help. She shook him off and hobbled over to Hinata.
The girl slowly knelt down, letting out a low, pained hiss, her face drawing level with Hinata's. She was quite pretty, pale skin with candyfloss pink hair, her eyes large and green.
"Where does it hurt?" She asked, her tone curiously professional, "Can you breathe OK?"
Hinata shook her head, pressing her lips together, shaking violently.
"OK," The girl said calmly, "I'm Haruno Sakura. What's your name?"
"She doesn't speak –" Naruto butted in, looking anxious.
"H-Hi-Hinata." She gasped out, tears flowing freely.
"It's OK, Hinata. I'm here. I'll help you out a bit. Hold my hand, that's right, now breathe in with me now... and again… you're doing fine… Oi, stop crowding her… back off, moron… OK, Hinata, is there anything you're afraid of at the moment? Something making you anxious?"
Hinata couldn't stop her eyes drifting to Naruto's face.
Sakura's lips pursed, "Right, idiot, back up there. It's OK, you're breathing better already. Is there anyone I can call for you?"
"Don't make her talk," Naruto said, seeming determined to help in some way, "She doesn't like talking."
Sakura didn't look surprised, just nodded. She even brushed some of Hinata's hair out of her face with her fingers, the kindness of the action spurring even more tears.
Sasuke was watching, frowning deeply. He kicked Naruto's shin lightly, mouthing 'moron' when Naruto angrily turned round to retaliate. Hinata watched as his whole face turned red, including his ears.
He sat on the floor, ignoring Sakura's glare, "Hinata-chan," He said pleadingly, "I didn't want to upset you. I was just speaking without thinking, I always do that, I'm an idiot, I know. I don't really think you're creepy, I think you're one of the nicest girls I've ever met. And, if you still want me there, I'll go to that ball thing with you if you want."
His face was so beautiful… His sky-blue eyes filled her vision as he leaned closer, his tanned hand wiping away her tears.
Hinata felt the shuddering subside slightly, and nodded with a watery smile.
"Excuse me, out of the way." Her grandmother rounded the corner, eyes scanning the corridor, Iruka at her side.
Her grandmother spotted her sitting on the floor, surrounded by strangers, in tears, and hurriedly dropped down as far as her rheumatism would allow.
"Hinata? Are you alright?" She asked, sounding very panicked, "I found this nice man to help me find you. That's it, excuse me there, dear." She said politely to Sakura, who backed away quickly to allow the old woman to take her place at Hinata's side.
"Should we call an ambulance?" Iruka asked, his eyes big and worried.
But her grandmother shook her head, "No, of course not. She's fine now."
Naruto grabbed Hinata's hand and helped her to her feet, her breathing slower now. He looked truly remorseful as he clasped her hand, "I'm so sorry, Hinata-chan!" He said sincerely.
She managed a smile, taking her grandmother's hand.
She turned her head as they walked away, meeting Sakura's eye, "Thank you." She mouthed. Sakura waved her hand casually, mouthing, "Nah, it's alright."
xxxxxxxx
After the poor, still-shaking girl walked off with the old woman who'd come out of nowhere, Sakura whirled around to unleash some well-deserved venom on the two morons who'd obviously pushed Hinata into a panic attack.
"OK, so what the hell did you do?" She demanded, glaring at the tanned, dumb-looking blonde.
He blinked in surprise, "I didn't upset her on purpose! Hinata-chan –"
"Uh, whatever," Sakura took a glance at her watch and groaned, "I'm late. See ya later, bonehead."
"Wait, you can't just accuse me of something and then not give me a chance to explain –" The blonde protested.
"Watch me!" Sakura sang out, hobbling away from them as fast as she could.
After she'd limped off, Naruto stared at Sasuke, silently asking him what the hell just happened.
Sasuke just sighed, "Subtlety of a sledgehammer. See the trouble you caused? Don't hang out with that girl unless you can keep that idiot mouth of yours shut."
Naruto glared at him.
xxxxxxxx
Sakura sat on the uncomfortably hard plastic chair, keeping her eyes forward, ignoring the doctors and nurses rushing around her, spouting long, complicated medical jargon that most people wouldn't understand.
"So, Sarutobi-san has suffered a myocardial infarction," A doctor babbled, a nurse at his heels, as they practically sprinted across the hall, "It doesn't seem like there's much –" They rounded the corner and their words became inaudible.
Sakura leant back. Myocardial infarction, she thought smugly, heart attack, in layman's terms. Why can't they just speak normally? Oh yeah, because the patients would be able to understand how bad their situation was.
She pictured the nurses giving it to the patients straight, "Yes, hello, how are you today? Not well I'm afraid! Bad case of death coming up in about a week! Hope you took out life insurance!" All delivered in that infuriating, perky tone her mother sometimes slipped into.
A man with silvery hair in a ponytail paced outside a door, holding a phone up to his ear, dressed in a very nice suit.
"Yes, it doesn't look like he'll last the night." The man said, sounding bored, "No. No. The nurse said there was nothing else. Well, if he signed it over to you now, that would be handy. No, I was joking, Orochimaru-sama, he can't actually hold a pen, he's unconscious. Want me to kick him for you?"
Sakura's head jerked up, not at the man's oddly flippant tone when talking about a dying man, but at the name he had mentioned: Orochimaru-sama.
Holy shit.
Here?
She listened intently until the man hung up his phone and pushed herself off the chair, grabbing for her cane, ignoring the sharp pain that seared in her legs. Her legs had been aching incessantly ever since she'd stupidly knelt down next to Hinata and stayed down for a while, even as her legs felt like they were on fire.
"Excuse me!" She called out when the man turned to leave. He looked at her with a small note of surprise written in his features.
"Can I help you?" He smiled, eyes flickering down her cane and back to her face.
"Do you actually know Orochimaru-sama?" She demanded, panting slightly as the pain increased.
He looked slightly wary, "…Yes. I work for him."
"Wow!" She laughed, "That's amazing! I've heard all about how much work Orochimaru-sama's done for the medical field, he's so unappreciated!"
The man gave her a measuring look, like he was considering her for something, "You are a fan, then?" He asked, pushing his glasses up.
"Well, obviously, yeah." Sakura gushed, "He developed the technique to keep hearts beating even after death! What was it called, um…"
"Edo tensei," He said slowly, smirking, "How clever of you to know of that… most people attribute that finding to Tobirama Senju…"
"Heh, he might have thought of it first, but Orochimaru-sama really developed it and made it possible!" Sakura said eagerly.
"Are you interested in medicine?" The man asked, his tone more than politely interested. He seemed to genuinely care.
"Well, not practicing it," Sakura said sourly, "I've seen how nurses and doctors can be. No way. I am interested in the science behind it all, though."
The man slipped his phone back into his pocket, slipping into a deep bow, "I am Yakushi Kabuto. And who might you be?"
"Haruno Sakura, sir," She said, dropping into her own, shallow bow, hissing in pain, "Good to meet you."
He seemed to be contemplating something, tapping his mouth with his fingers, looking deep in thought. Finally, he broke out of his thoughtful stupor and pulled a card out of his pocket.
"If you really are interested in medicine, Orochimaru-sama is recruiting for young medical students to learn his methods and skills." He offered her the card.
It was black, with red letters saying 'Orochimaru corp.,' followed by three separate methods of reaching the man himself, including fax, email and phone.
Sakura took the card with an excited grin, "This is so cool, thanks! I've studied Orochimaru-sama's technique since I was thirteen."
"And how old are you now...?
"Sixteen." She turned the card over, missing his quiet sigh, "But my mum's a nurse, so I have some experience."
"Your mother?" Kabuto said pleasantly, "And I assume she works here?"
Sakura simply nodded, clutching her cane.
"How, may I ask, did you come to have to rely upon that?" Kabuto tilted his head, pointing at her cane.
Sakura narrowed her eyes, her expression souring, "I'm fine. It won't stop me working."
Kabuto laughed, "Good. Give me call soon, I'll sort something out for you. In the meantime, here's a little something Orochimaru developed, a painkiller superior to every other brand out there."
He handed her a tiny, unmarked bottle.
She examined it, eyebrow raised, "Ingredients?"
Kabuto's laugh was more stilted now, "Well… that's not my department. I wouldn't know."
"So you don't know the side effects? I have my own medicine, I can't afford to mess with my intake right now. But thanks anyway." She said, handing the bottle back.
The light flashed on Kabuto's glasses, hiding his eyes for a split second, "Shame…" He said slowly, "It would have done wonders for the pain."
"It doesn't hurt, the cane's just… just for balance." Sakura insisted, scowling.
Kabuto's silvery brows rose and he lightly tapped her shin with his foot. She clamped her jaw shut to avoid groaning in pain.
"Funny," He said, still smiling, "Doesn't seem painless to me," He winked, "Trust me, I'm a doctor."
"Doctor in what, magic tricks?" Sakura spat, clutching her shin, "Your bedside manner sucks."
"True," Kabuto shrugged, "But I don't get paid to make people feel better."
Sakura frowned at him in confusion, rubbing her shin. Hopefully, she'd get to meet Orochimaru and he'd be a lot nicer than this bastard.
"Out of curiosity," Kabuto said, stepping forward slightly, "Where did you find out about Orochimaru-sama?"
Sakura gazed steadily at him, "I have a network of information-gathering monkeys planted all over the country."
Kabuto supressed a laugh, smirking, "I suppose I asked for that, hm? No chance of getting the real answer?"
"A friend told me." She said tersely.
Kabuto patted her on the head, ignoring her growl, "I look forward to working with you, Sakura-chan. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything, Orochimaru-sama considers his workers his family."
"Sakura." Her mother's voice was sharp. Sakura turned, feeling illogically guilty. Her mother had changed out of her uniform already, and was dressed in her day clothes. She looked exhausted.
Kabuto stepped forward, saying smoothly, "You must be Sakura-chan's mother, good to meet –"
"Who are you?" Her mother asked coldly.
Kabuto looked disconcerted for a fraction of a second, then straightened up, smiling, "My name is Yakushi Kabuto. I was just chatting with Sakura-chan here while I wait for news on a patient." He pointed at the door behind him.
Sakura's mother looked hunted, the expression she always had when asked about a patient who's chances were minuscule, "Oh. Hiruzen Sarutobi, right?"
Kabuto nodded.
"I'm very sorry," She said sincerely, "Sakura, come on. You can't be late for another appointment."
As she left, she felt something being pressed into her hand. She turned back.
"Use it," Kabuto winked, "It'll help, I promise."
Sakura looked down at the bottle of medicine, then slowly slipped it into her bag before moving to join her mother.
Kabuto sat down after she left, hand in his pocket, holding his phone and waiting.
An hour later, a loud beeping and a moan came from Sarutobi's room.
Kabuto checked his watch, then smirked when the nurses came running.
"Right on time," He said, starting to dial Orochimaru's private number, "It's all beginning now."
Hinata's panic attack was quite horrible to write, simply because I've had a few and they genuinely suck, you really feel like you're dying. The worse thing is they can come on really quickly, meaning if you're in public you might not get the chance to get somewhere private when you get one. You can have one if you're really anxious, scared, upset or, the worst one… for no reason. A panic attack has many symptoms of a heart attack, which is why they're so scary.
This one was Hinata's first.
Naruto, from Hinata's perspective, is simply a perfect person, but he isn't really, of course. Even he is bit ignorant of things like anxiety disorders – I couldn't picture him as someone who would know anything about it, really.
Sakura and Hinata meet at last! You might have noticed that when the prose describes Naruto, he's a glowing, sunny demi god in Hinata's perspective, but he's just the dumb blonde in Sakura's XD
Sakura expresses a sudden admiration of Orochimaru! More on that to come.
Not much GaaSaku in this yet, hm? Plot keeps getting in the way. Oh well, the first tutoring session is soon! Methinks Sakura won't be the most patient of students… XD
I think this story's been my favourite to write, thus far. I don't know why, I think it might be the characters are fun to explore :)
Quick poll for fun: Um… Gotta think of a question… um… HEY LOOK, A MARTIAN!
A) Holy shizzit, a martian?
B) What, where?
C) I can't see anything!
D) I'm beginning to suspect… -
Yeah, thinking of questions is hard.
How about, Quick poll because I can: Neji or Gaara? Explain why you love the one you picked.
A) Neji
B) Gaara
C) Neither
D) Captain Fussybritches.