Quotes:

Sakura: "There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore." ― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

Hinata: "Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy." ― Norman Vincent Peale

Mentions of suicide and self-harming in this chapter.

"You are such an idiot, Sakura!" Ino burst out, sniffing loudly, "You make me so worried about you but I feel so helpless because you won't talk to me! You didn't even call me to say you were in hospital! Your mother had to call me –"

"Hey, hey, Ino. Calm down," Sakura gave a lopsided smile, hoping to ease the tension in her best friend's shoulders. It didn't work, she just glared back, "I lost my phone in the accident, OK? I would have called."

Ino's face scrunched up in her attempt to hold back tears, "Please don't do this to me again."

"Huh?"

"Please don't. I can't take it anymore," Ino finally let out a cry, scrubbing her face with her sleeves, "Please don't try to kill yourself again!"

"What? Ino, I –"

"The first time – " Ino broke off with a sob, having to focus on breathing through the tears for a minute, her whole body trembling with unrestrained emotion, " – the first time, my mum woke me up in the morning, really early, and she looked really serious. She had the phone in her hand and she was still in her pyjamas. She gave me a glass of water, sat down next to me and said, 'Sakura-chan was in a car crash in the night. She's in the hospital now. They don't know if she'll make it yet'."

Ino always cried like a child, her whole face red and screwed up, her mouth wide open. Sakura stared in shock as her friend broke down in front of her.

"I thought you were gonna die," Ino wept, "And I didn't believe for a second that it was an accident. You'd been weird for ages, always talking about death and how horrible the world was and I just… I knew. I thought maybe it was my fault, I should have told your parents or something. But you didn't die. You had to have all that physical therapy and stuff and you – you were in a wheelchair for a while, but you didn't die. But ever since then I've been scared of losing you! I've been so scared you'll try again!"

"Ino." Sakura stretched her arm across the bed, taking Ino's hand in hers. When she spoke, her voice sounded solemn, "I won't ever do that again. This fall was genuinely an accident. I don't want to die anymore," as she said the words, she felt a deep certainty that they were true, to her surprise. She hadn't noticed the change within her, "I've been really selfish, haven't I? I haven't considered your feelings at all. I've just been using you for support, I never realised you needed me too. When I did what I did, I wasn't thinking about all the people who would be hurt from it. I was just searching for an end. Then, after I failed, I noticed how deeply affected my parents were, and I knew I could never go through with it again. I never noticed how you affected you were too. I never realised you needed an explanation, or my reassurance."

"So, here it is. I had a very good friend when I was thirteen. We were friends in secret. He was a patient here in the hospital. I knew him for about a year. One day I came to see him, only to find out he'd died. I… I was in such pain after that, Ino. I just wanted to see him again. But this year, I've realised I kinda like my life. My parents are awesome. I don't have to be in a wheelchair anymore. My grades are pretty good. I've made some new friends. And I've got the coolest, most awesome, kindest best friend in the entire world, so I figure I'm pretty damn lucky."

Ino smiled, squeezing her hand back, her cheeks glistening. "OK, but don't scare me like that again, OK?"

"I won't."

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After proving she wasn't concussed and had the ability to walk in a straight line, the doctor had to let her go home, despite her mother's obvious disapproval. Sakura knew exactly what fuelled her mother's worry. She had made similar assumptions to Ino's, that Sakura's fall hadn't been accidental, but unlike Ino, Sakura knew her mother could not be persuaded otherwise.

Then again, Ino was not the one who had found her in a wrecked car.

"You didn't leave a note," Her mother had said the first time, when Sakura was awake and kept tasting blood in her mouth and ached everywhere. Her gaze had been steady and accusing, "You were going to leave without giving us a reason. No closure. Can you understand what that would have done to us?"

Sakura hadn't cared at the time. All she could think about, cooped up in that bed, was getting something sharp to release the bubbling pressure of emotion from under her skin. Self-harming wasn't something she did often, just on the occasions where feeling emotion was too much. Feeling pain instead was a relief.

Now she felt a little drained, exhausted and worried, but she had absolutely no desire to return to a hospital bed in the near future, which was a definitely plus.

"I feel gross," Sakura said, now in the back of a taxi. Her mother turned and gave her one of her patented Mum™ looks, the one that said she wasn't in the mood for any foolishness, "I really need a shower."

"You'll have your shower and then you have to tidy your room, OK?" Her mother said, watching her husband walk around the car to put Sakura's overnight bag in the boot.

Sakura gave a teenager-style sigh, fighting back a grin. It felt normal. The conversation didn't have an undercurrent of care – neither of her parents were treating her like a fragile doll and even Ino had started to talk to her about inane, ordinary topics instead of skirting around what she feared inflammatory for Sakura.

I am not a problem child, Sakura observed. I am not a statistic.

"I swear my room breeds mess when I'm not looking." Sakura muttered.

"I think it's more likely to be your habit of using your floor to store your belongings. By the way, where did you get that cane, darling? It looks very expensive."

Sakura gave Kabuto's gift a filthy look.

"It's just something Kabuto gave me. I guess he can throw money around." Sakura grumbled. Her family was pretty wealthy, but despite what the other students (Kiba) seemed to think, they didn't believe in spoiling their only daughter.

"That was nice of him," Her mother said measuredly, "considering you haven't known him very long."

That wasn't terribly subtle, Sakura thought. Her mother was usually much better at teasing information out of her.

"Hmm." Sakura said noncommittally.

Her father entered the taxi, killing the conversation.

After ten minutes driving in silence, Sakura spoke up.

"You know, we don't have to take taxis all the time," She said, faux-casual, "Dad can drive us in his car."

The taxi driver's eyebrows quirked up at that, but Sakura saw her mother hide a smile.

Since the near-death experience, Sakura had frequently rebuffed invitations outside if it would involve getting into her father's car. It was the car she nearly died in, the car her father spent a fortune to get fixed because of her, and she never wanted to sit in it again. Her parents had made a point of getting taxis everywhere since then in order to tempt Sakura into socialising.

Sakura imagined getting into the car – a memory of the windscreen warping in an ear-splitting crash overcame her – but she shook it off, staring out of the window. Her fingers gripped each other in her lap, trembling slightly, but she wasn't going to back down now.

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The next couple of days were filled with texts from Gaara, Ino and Hinata, the occasional phone call and a long marathon of The Big Bang Theory on DVD. Sakura slowly started the long process of redecorating her room, taking down posters and looking up wallpapers online. She even started some of her homework early, just the basic outline of a few essays and some notes. She was beginning to feel that familiar itch of yearning to learn. She'd received her phone back in the post, managing to retrieve the package without either of her parents noticing.

On the day she was due back at school, Sakura was not nervous at all.

She was anticipating banter with Gaara, getting to know Hinata and probably some heavy-duty grovelling for Ino, that wonderful feeling of knowing you knew more on the subject your teacher was lecturing you on than they did and most of all, the strange, foreign sensation of being outside her room.

"I've give you a lift." Her father said when she announced her intentions to get to school early. Sakura saw her parents exchange looks when she didn't argue.

"Don't forget to take your pills," Her mother said, pressing the various boxes on her, hands still wet from washing the dishes, "You'll have a –"

"Already taken them." Sakura said cheerfully, pointing at the holes in the foil, "C'mon Dad, if I don't get to school soon the peons will get there first."

She stuffed some toast into her mouth, patted her mother on the head (ignoring her annoyed, "Sakura!"), grabbed her cane and swooped out of the door.

"What the hell did they give you at that hospital?" Her father asked warily as he slid into the driver's seat, "Are you high right now?"

"High on life, Daddy, high on life." Sakura said dryly, spinning her cane between her knees.

"Well… come down a notch," He said, "I feel like I'm one of those fathers backstage at a toddler pageant."

"There is no pleasing you two." Sakura said, unimpressed. They didn't like her when she was unhappy and now they didn't –

But her father was ducking his head bashfully, his grin wide enough to split his face.

"It's made my day." He said sincerely.

Sakura's chest tightened.

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Kiba was standing next to her locker.

Sakura managed not to roll her eyes too hard, and limped over to him, her cane still strange and unfamiliar to the touch.

He saw her coming and frowned.

"Hi," She said when she got close enough, a practised smile glued to her face, "Have I been an almighty bitch to you?"

He made a face, mouth contorting like he didn't know how to respond. "…Lately?" He asked finally.

"Ever."

"Well, uh. Yeah. You have. To everyone."

Sakura took a deep breath, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, her gaze was determined.

"I'm sorry." She said honestly, "I know over the past couple of years I've treated you like shit. I don't really have any explanations, but you should know it was never about you. I was… I was being a bully. I thought I was smarter than everyone, better, even, and that I was above all of this. Recent events have enlightened me otherwise. I've had a rough time and it made me rough in turn. I'm sorry."

Kiba stared at her, not blinking for a couple of seconds.

"Who are you and what have you done with Haruno Sakura?" He laughed, not unkindly.

"I'm the new and improved version," Sakura mimed punching him lightly, "I'm far less violent and much more conducive to easy-going banter. Would you like to be friends?"

He laughed again, incredulous, and leaned against the locker with a toothy grin, "Are you going to be working your way around the school asking that same question after you've prepped them with that same speech?"

"Er, yeah, probably."

"You should work on your spontaneity," He advised, "But sure. Let's be friends."

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"You are probably wondering why I called you in today." Iruka said, smiling that familiar smile of his. It was a particularly comforting brand of Teacher Smile, one that students felt heartened to witness. Sakura was usually bestowed with a disappointed grimace, specifically: Come On Now, Put That Young Man Down or the clenched teeth, You Aren't In Too Much Trouble Yet, But You Will Be Soon If You Carry On Like This, Missy.

"Not really," Sakura smiled a smile of her own, "My mother called you."

"Ah, yes, I didn't know you knew about that."

"Well she didn't tell me. It was obvious."

"Oh. Oh right. Well, at any rate, she told me what happened the other day and… naturally I'm very concerned."

"Don't be," Sakura said abruptly, softening it with another smile, "It was actually an accident this time. Though you didn't hear that because I've just remembered the car crash was technically supposed to be an accident too, shit. Alright, the first time was on purpose, the second wasn't -"

"Sakura," Iruka's gentle voice cut through her babbling, "may I ask, are you suicidal?"

Sakura swallowed her words and, for some reason, felt a bit sick. This was Iruka, kindly, no-nonsense Iruka who marked everyone's homework with smiley faces and big ticks… It felt wrong to be discussing this with him. Why did talking about it all make her feel so sullied?

"No, I'm not."

"Have you ever been suicidal?" Iruka asked softly.

Sakura squirmed in her seat. Her gaze crawled everywhere but her teacher's face.

"Yes," She said finally, the word sounding oddly choked, "I was. Not anymore."

Iruka was silent for a while. Sakura sat in her own silence, feeling smothered by it. She kept wanting to blurt out excuses, reasons, rationalisations. She didn't want Iruka to draw his own conclusions, to believe some of the ridiculous lies the other students came up with.

"Do you feel like you have a solid support network?" Iruka asked, his fingertips forming a thoughtful steeple.

Whatever she'd been expecting him to say, it wasn't that.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you feel like there are people you can talk to about your problems? Private things?"

"Yes, of course." She said, thinking of Ino, Gaara. Maybe even Hinata, a little further down the line.

"And if things ever got bad again, do you think you would go to them for help?"

She nodded.

Iruka smiled again, this time it was an unfamiliar, genuine smile, "That's good."

"I see this woman, sometimes," Sakura mumbled, "She's like a psychiatrist or whatever. She's pretty good. And I was thinking, I want to start some extracurricular work. I want to start studying medicine early before I leave school."

Iruka practically beamed, "That's brilliant! I'm so glad. It seems as though you're on the right track. I've noticed your grades growing steadily since you've returned. And you've got colour back in your cheeks! Did you know the nurse wanted to pin you down and force-feed you pain meds? She said you looked like you were fresh out of a torture chamber. And Kakashi-san was very worried about you on your first day back. But now, you seem a lot better, if you don't mind me saying. I remember Haruno Sakura at eleven years old, so eager to learn and so cheerful."

Iruka patted her shoulder, "I think you remind me of her."

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There were small patches of grass in what was technically a playground but never referred to as such. These patches of grass were usually claimed by the eldest students, the ones with rolled up sleeves and tattoos of anchors on their feet.

It was a fairly dry day. The sun had soaked up all moisture and was now beating down upon them mercilessly, so most students were clamouring to sit on the grass and bathe in the rare warmth during their free time.

One of these students was Hyuuga Neji.

He sat with his nose in a large, leather bound book with a picture of an organ on the front. It was a beautifully expensive tome that looked to be in pristine condition. The pages were literally gold in colour.

"That seems more decorative than practical." Sakura remarked, sitting down next to him on the grass after an awkward shuffle with her cane in which he hadn't taken his eyes of the page, even when she nearly smacked herself in the face by accident.

"It's from 1995," He said, still not looking up, "It's description of anatomy is not entirely accurate, but I'd like an account of all eras of medicinal knowledge."

"Then get a TARDIS and spend a thousand years reading books like that one," Sakura said tartly, "Are you sure you want to be a doctor? Seems like you're more interested in the study, as opposed to the practice."

Neji gave a sigh, marking his place with the ribbon that came attached to the book, "This is a point of contention for myself and my uncle. I am fascinated by the human body –" He ignored her leer, "- and I would like to devote years of study to learn as much about it as possible. But my uncle thinks I should become a surgeon."

"Well, you've got years to figure it out," Sakura said mildly, "I know what I'm going to be, though."

"You've mentioned before, you want to be a research scientist of some sort." Neji replied.

Sakura shrugged, "I've decided on my specialisation. I'm going to be an oncologist."

Neji gave her a sideways look, "Interesting. What made you decide on that particular branch?"

Sakura held up her wrist, showing him the band that declared hope, faith, courage, strength.

Neji's expression cleared in understanding, and he nodded his approval, "It's a good fit for you."

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It was a strange novelty, having friends who were not Ino.

"After what you told me…" Gaara closed his eyes, tipping his head back to rest against the brick wall, "I have been concerned that you might one day… try to commit suicide again."

Sakura sighed, "I should never have told you so casually. I don't know what I was thinking. You shouldn't worry, though. I won't do that… I couldn't… not after seeing my parents' reaction. At the time, I felt like no one really even liked me and that they'd be better off without me. I was at that slamming door teen rebellion stage and I didn't get on with my parents, so I thought they wouldn't miss me. But, now, I know better. My dad pulled me out of the car. My mum kept me alive until the ambulance got there. I woke up to their faces, their tears, in hospital, alive because of them. It was like the ultimate proof that they cared. But… God, I wish I hadn't done it. It wasn't worth it. You shouldn't test people's affection for you, not like that. The pain I caused everyone… Ino… It wasn't worth it. I'd never do it again, no matter how bad things got."

Gaara said slowly, "Life's worth sticking around for. I have always had a strange habit of noting the good things in my day, or week, or so on, like learning a new song on my guitar or having a lie-in. Maybe that's something you should try? I know people who feel depressed often can't see past the bad things in life… so you should focus on the good things instead. Perhaps you could make a list of all of the things you feel you couldn't live without. I've done that before, as an exercise at school as a child. It was supposed to make you feel grateful. I believe it worked for me."

Sakura gave a little laugh, pulling a crumpled piece of paper out of her pocket and then, with a flourish, a broken eyeliner. She twirled her finger at him, indicating he should turn around. He complied, looking bemused.

Sakura began to write down her favourite things.

Rainy days, she wrote. Not because of any sentimental reason like the sound or poetry of it, she just liked how grumpy everyone got when it rained. It didn't affect her the same way, so it was pretty amusing to watch her parents suddenly morph into The Addams Family, grunting at each other with matching scowls, just because of a bit of drizzle.

Learning new things, she liked the feeling of getting smarter. It was like her brain was swelling. With knowledge, not some underlying medical issue. She hoped she really hadn't gotten concussed in the accident, though she figured the nurses would have mentioned that.

Coffee, she wrote emphatically, she loved it! The bitter taste first thing in the morning, the sour aftertaste, the way caffeine seemed to leap through her veins after she drank it!

Making people angry, she loved watching people's face grow red with anger, their little faces scowling away, and especially the way they became all incoherent, spluttering impotently, making it all too easy for her to make a witty comment and then walk away.

Making people happy, it didn't happen as often, but the sight of someone smiling because something she had said or did gave her warm, fuzzy feelings.

Music, whether it was angry, thrashing songs that made her want to roar swear words into the wind, or slow, mournful ballads, she loved music in every form.

Being a sassy bitch, there was nothing quite like the armour of wit. It protected her from every jeer, every scornful look. Having the ability to snap a cutting retort was underrated.

Feeling like my old self, the days when she felt halfway normal were the best. The days where she did something kind for someone for no reason at all, or passed up the chance to say something mean to someone who didn't deserve it. Those days she was Haruno Sakura, not the sad, angry stranger that had overtaken her.

New friends, Hinata and Gaara had been unexpected but welcome interruptions in her life. Hinata had saved her and Gaara had listened.

Being alive, for the first time in a long time, being alive felt like a good thing.

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Tezuka Rin walked down the street calmly, hands in her pockets. Hinata kept close to her, jittery with nerves.

"What's your rating?" Rin asked casually as they stepped into the bus shelter.

Rin had devised a way for Hinata to quickly convey her fear level whilst in public: score it out of ten.

"Seven." Hinata squeaked, her palm damp and unpleasantly warm.

"That's quite high for a trip to your local mall," Rin observed, "But it'll go down the more you do it. Soon it'll seem like every day, monotonous activity, like brushing your teeth."

Hinata nodded determinedly. It was like having a fitness trainer. Rin was consistently calm, unflappable and knowledgeable on all things. She was able to sense when Hinata's willpower began to wane, and was very good at raising her mood.

She frequently employed distraction techniques; they forced Hinata to stop focusing on her fears and grow more used to speaking in front of her.

"Favourite colour," Rin drawled, "Mine is beige."

"Coral." Hinata replied, her finger tracing the worn edges of an advertisement glued to the shelter's window.

"Good choice. Movie?"

"Jumanji."

"Hinata?"

She turned around to see Gaara, Sakura's friend.

He stood in the entrance of the shelter, a plastic bag dangling from his elbow. He levelled her with a quizzical look.

Hello. The word stuck in her throat.

"That is your name, right?" He looked uncertain.

"Hi!" Rin said suddenly, grabbing Gaara's hand and shaking it enthusiastically, "I'm Rin. How do you know Hinata?"

Gaara seemed to relax at that, "Oh, from –"

He broke off, staring into the road.

"Excuse me." He muttered, walking past Rin to peer through the other side of the shelter.

"What's wrong?" Rin asked, sounding concerned.

Hinata glanced in the direction he was peering, and saw Sakura gesticulating furiously at an older man with long, silver hair and glasses. The two of them stood either side of a car. Hinata looked back at Gaara, unsure of the situation. A muscle was leaping in his clenched jaw.

"Is that Haruno Sakura?" Rin frowned.

"And Yakushi Kabuto." Gaara said darkly.

"Who?"

"Someone," Gaara began to stride towards the car, "Sakura should not get into a car with."

MASSIVE GAP BETWEEN CHAPTERS I AM SO SORRY

This chapter is more like a series of snapshots of Sakura's recovery, I guess. It isn't very detailed and it's quite sporadic, but it works, I think.

The next few chapters should be quite dialogue-heavy and will probably have me having too much fun XD

In case any of you were confused, an oncologist is a cancer-specialist, basically. Sakura previously displayed a contempt for doctors and nurses, wanting to enter the experimental field of science instead of practising medicine, but a shift in her character has persuaded her otherwise.

I'm so looking forward to writing the opening scene of the next chapter, you have no idea.

Anywho, as I've been rambling on about in every other story I've written, if you want to write me letters, PM me and I will give you the address :) Please don't send me money or sharp implements XD

Christ alive it's nearly 2AM, someone tranquillise me PLEASE

Because I wrote nearly all of this whilst sleep-deprived I will hereby assume it is terrible, panic in the morning and presumably spend hours going over every little detail. Ah, to be anal.

Quick poll for fun: What do you do to cheer yourself up when you're down? (I, for example, watch a lot of Danisnotonfire videos and rock back and forth like a crazy person)

No suggestions.