Chapter 4: Don't Blow Your Wadska
At Del Toro High School, Wadska is delivering a speech to everyone in the cafeteria. "We learn more in this cafeteria from social interactions than we do in any useless brainwashing class. Ignore the bell, people. Do not let it control you." he pleaded.
Just then, the school bell rang and everyone heads back to class.
"YOU ARE ALL COGS IN THE MACHINE!" Wadska screamed angrily. Gene then walked up to his little brother and forced him to swallow his prescription pills.
Mondo and Woodie went to their lockers that are next to each other. Inside Mondo's locker is a photo of himself and Gene hanging out one time, while Woodie has a photo of Mondo's mom Babs. The two watched the whole scene.
"I still can't believe those two are brothers." Mondo said to Woodie. "It's really starting to mess with my head." He then shuddered when he imagined having sex with Gene, but with Wadska's face.
Gene walked up to Mondo and Woodie. "Hey guys, what's up?"
"Hey Gene!" The two said in unison as they shut their lockers.
"Not much." Woodie said.
Mondo then spoke up. "Say, did you try those corndogs today? They're the best things I've ever put in my mouth. I mean, of the things I've eaten. I don't just put things in my mouth. Like if someone puts something in my mouth that wasn't food, I'd spit it out. Not that I'm a spitter. Well, I'm not a swallower either. I just-" He sighs in embarrassment. "Did you say you tried the corndogs?" he groaned.
"No, I just choked down a sausage." Gene answered, pulling out a long sausage in a hot dog bun out of his lunch bag.
Woodie and Gene laughed at that. Then they heard Wadska giggling and saw that he's urinating in the drinking fountain.
"Well, I better go talk him down." Gene sighed. "I'm in charge this weekend since our parents are out-of-town." He then march over to his brother. "For the last time, stop washing yourself in the drinking fountain!"
Wadska is now washing his butt with it. "I will when they install a bidet." he sang.
"Dude, did you hear that?" Mondo whispered to Woodie. "This is my chance to be with Gene. I've got to get into that house."
"Too bad you're not from Planet Wadska. He spends every night with him." Woodie said. He and Mondo look to see Gene trying to pull Wadska off the fountain.
"That's it. Wadska is the key." Mondo exclaimed, while holding Woodie's shoulders. He then stare at Woodie's long nose. "Your nose is so fallic I can kiss you!"
"Please don't."
Mondo talked Wadska into having a sleepover at his place. Or as Wadska refers to it as, a "three-way-sleep-date", and then a "three-man fun-gasm". He also convinced Woodie to occupy Wadska so he would hang with Gene more. Only on the conditions that Mondo wax his surfboards for a month and to let him touch his chesticles since it's the closest he could get to touching an actual woman's breasts, and wanted to try some new moves. Which Mondo reluctantly agreed upon.
They later arrived at Gene and Wadska's house with their backpacks.
"I can't believe we're about to enter Gene's house. He sleeps here. He showers naked here." Mondo said.
"He also poops here."
"I know!" Mondo rings the doorbell.
The door suddenly creaked open. The lights are off for some reason. Fog is seeping out. As they enter inside, sinister laugher is heard.
"WELCOME, BEST FRIENDS FROM SCHOOOOL." Wadska's voice greeted.
Woodie tried to run away, but the front door slammed shut at him.
"THAT WAS THE WIND." Wadska laughed wickedly. "I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE. MAKE YOURSELVES AT HOME. WE HAVE PREMIUM CABLE AND VARIOUS HETEROSEXUAL MAGAZINES." he laughed evilly again.
Mondo and Woodie carefully walked into the living room, where porno magazines are hanged from the ceiling. Suddenly the lights turned on, and upbeat music is playing as Wadska enters the room in a red-and-white gymnastic outfit dancing with red and blue ribbons. He hopped onto the coffee table, pulled out a white dove and lifted it up in the air where it fly towards a ceiling fan, scattering its feathers and remains everywhere.
"Nailed it! Now that the bird has died in vain, we can commence the greatest sleepover of your lives."
"You gotta admit, he really commits." Mondo said to Woodie.
"We have a lot to do. Follow me." Wadska said, as Mondo and Woodie follow him to his bedroom. "Welcome to my bedroom, aka, Mr. Magorium's Masturbatorium."
"I just realized I'm not sleepy!" Woodie said while trying to leave, but Mondo stopped him. He then forced Woodie to sit on a blue hand-shaped chair, while Mondo sits on the other.
"I should tell you I lost track of my baby rattlesnake a few weeks ago. I'm pretty sure he's dead by now, but if not, no worries. You'll have three hours before your nervous system completely shuts down." Wadska said.
Woodie tries to leave again while Wadska had his back turned, only for Mondo to stop him. Wadska then hands them each a yellow walkie-talkie.
"Now, here are your best friend walkie-talkies. Please only use these in case of emergency OR if you don't know what room someone is in. Tonight, I'm going to blow you both" Mondo and Woodie gasped in response. "Let me finish... AWAY!" Wadska hands them a sheet of paper. "I have created a schedule of activities to maximize man-on-man-on-man joy" which he emphasize by thrusting his pelvis. "and raise our best-friendship to another level.
"What's chipmunking?" Woodie asked in bboth confusion and worry.
"Patience." Wadska replied. "You will find out at closing ceremonies, if you can last that long." He then heads to a door which has a poster of a skull-and-crossbones and a "KEEP OUT" sign. "I will be right back. I'm going to slip into something more powerful." He said ominously.
He opens it and Woodie can make out what looks like a secret laboratory, complete with a cloning machine inside.
"What's in that room?" Woodie asked nervously.
"Just the closet." Wadska said, awakened his clone, then shutting the door and locking it.
"Look, we made his hero wall." Mondo points to three photos. One is of Wadska with Michael Jackson, post-operation. One is of Wadska with Heath Ledger as the Joker during the filming of The Dark Knight. And lastly of Mondo and Woodie with Wadska in the background.
"This isn't a hero wall. It's a hit list. Wadska is the messenger of death, and we're next." Woodie panicked.
"I'm coming out of the closet." Wadska spoke through their walkie-talkies. Then he bursts out of the 'closet' in what looks like a robotic suit made from cardboard boxes and toilet paper tubes. "Ladies and gentle-ladies, it is time for our first activity: Pandora paintball!" He explained while pulling out a paintball rifle from his back. "But I only have one Avatar AMP suit and one paintball gun. So I will be the hunter and you will be my Na'vi prey. Run!"
Mondo and Woodie did just that as he begins firing at them. Woodie runs down the stairs while Mondo continues running through the wall. He went into a random room to hide. He looks around and see it looks like a typical bedroom of a teenage boy. Mondo realize it must be Gene's. Then he noticed some clothes lying on the floor. A pair of flip-flops, a T-shirt, jean shorts, and underwear. Then he sees Gene taking a shower. He can spot Gene's penis from the silhouette.
Mondo felt the urge get a closer look and went into the bathroom. But then Gene pushed the drapes, and screamed upon seeing Mondo, who screamed in return, causing him to back away and trip. Then Mondo sees a dripping wet Gene in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist standing over him.
"Mondo, what are you doing in here?" Gene asked, crossing his arms over his wet muscular chest. "This is my bedroom."
Mondo quickly stood up. "Sorry, I was just looking for a place to hide. Wadska's running around with a gun, hunting us. You should probably take cover."
"I'll be safe." Gene pulls out a paintball handgun from his towel. "He doesn't want to get got." He flipped his gun around before putting it back in his towel.
Mondo laughed with Gene, then he casually leans on the wall. "So, what are you up to tonight?" he asked.
"I have a lot of studying to do." Gene answered. He opened one of his drawers, bending over, with his butt facing Mondo.
"Well, if you need any help, I can take a break from the sleepover-" Mondo was interrupted by the doorbell.
"Can you get for me?" Gene asked.
"Sure thing, man." Mondo said. He went to the front door, while making sure Wadska isn't around to shoot him. But when he opened the door, it was something much worse...
"Turk?!" Mondo said in surprise. He thought Gene ended his friendship with him during the Floatopia incident.
"What are you doing here?" Turk asked angrily.
"Um, um... having a sleepover with Wadska?" Mondo answered awkwardly.
Turk laughed. "That sounds super-awesome," He said sarcastically. "if awesome meant gay, and super meant... super. Where's Gene?" he demanded.
"Oh, you're not going to want to hang out with him, tonight. He's got cancer and is coughing up blood." Mondo lied, then points to a red paint splatter on the wall. "Here's where he coughed."
Turk wipes it with his finger and sniffs on it. "Nice try, chode. That's paint." He then grabs Mondo's shirt, and prepares to punch him. "I'll make you cough out some blood."
Gene walks down the stairs. "Damn it, Turk, what have I told-"
"Told me not to beat people up anymore, I know!" Turk groaned, and puts down Mondo.
"I'm giving you another chance to help you Turk study. Don't make me regret it." Gene warned.
"Fine!" Turk whined. He and Turk head to the backyard, while Turk gives discreetly gives Mondo the finger. "Suck it."
Suddenly, Mondo gets paintballs splashed on his face.
"Target destroyed!" Wadska laughed.
Woodie followed behind, dressed like a Na'vi, and shot a paintball at Mondo's face too. "I found another gun." he giggled nervously as Mondo gives him a dirty look. "Sorry."
Mondo groaned as he suddenly wakes up, and himself and Woodie in the basement. They're in their swim trunks and wearing goggles. They're sitting on a kiddie pool, Mondo is orange and Woodie is blue. They're also wearing handcuffs.
"Woodie, wake up." Mondo said.
"Hmm? Where are we? What's going on?" Woodie questioned.
"Hello again, best friends." The two see a large TV screen in front of them, and speaking from it is Wadska dressed like Jigsaw from the Saw movies. "Don't be alarmed. I assure you are both in possession of your original kidneys and your unconscious bodies were not violated by anyone outside of this residence." They look at each other nervously. "It is time for our next activity! Suspended above each-" the screen suddenly goes static. "Damn it! Son of a (*static*) This fu(*static*) thing balls! (*static*) Every damn time! Ugh! Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah. Suspended above (*static*) Mother (*static*) Damn it (*static*) Piece of-" He then walks offscreen, and emerge from a door at the right of the screen. "Suspended above each of you is your key to freedom. However, taking said key will cause the tub of poisonous spiders, centipedes, and worms to spill down on your comrade. You have 60 seconds. That's all." He closed the door on them.
They then see the timer counting down.
"Woodie, you know you're my best bud and all, but I need to get Turk out of here so I can be with Gene." Mondo said.
"Fine, but it's unlimited chesticles, under the shirt, bare skin to bare skin." Woodie said.
"Done." Mondo agreed.
"You have no self-esteem."
Mondo grabbed his key and un-cuff himself and ran out of the basement. Woodie prepares to have bugs dropped on him. But upon the timer having counted down to zero, nothing happened.
"Hmm. I guess Wadska's-" The bugs then dropped on him. He screams as he tries to get them all away. "How'd I get in my bathing suit?" he suddenly wondered.
Gene and Mondo are sitting by a tree, and Turk has his guitar. "Come on, dude, stop being such a stick in the mud. We'll get to studying in a minute. Hey, I'm working on a new song I want you to hear."
Turk is playing a rocking beat, which Gene admits sounds awesome. "That does rock, Turk!" Gene said, giving a devil sign.
Mondo is watching from Wadska's bedroom. He's jealous of Turk's musical talent. "How am I gonna compete with that?" The chest he was standing on could no longer support his weight and broke through it. "Ugh! Why am I so fat?" He noticed it's Wadska's spy gear, and pulls out a camouflage suit and night-vision goggles. "Ooh." He's got an idea.
"Okay Turk, the music was some. Now come on, we have to study." Gene said aggravatedly.
"You seriously need to chill, dude. Why don't we meet up with the guys at the beach for some night surfing." Turk said.
They're been observed by Mondo with the night-vision goggles. He's hiding in the bushes, wearing the camouflage suit. And annoyed at Turk for bothering Gene. So he crawled towards the valve and turned on the water sprinklers, which sprayed on Turk.
"AHH! Damn it! This is my only clean shirt." Turk complained.
"Quit your complaining. Let's go to my room, I'll lend you some of my clothes." Gene said.
"Balls!" Mondo cursed. He tried shutting down the lights in Gene's room with the house's circuit breaker, but took out his battery-powered camping light to illuminate his room. "Balls!" He spotted a leaf blower and climbed up to Gene's bedroom window to use it on Turk, but Gene closed his window before he could. "Balls." he cursed despondently.
Mondo and Woodie are back in Wadska's room, all bruised up. Mondo sighs despondently over not being able to be with Gene. Wadska is now wearing a yellow tracksuit and putting on a blonde wig from his weapons chest.
"Does this have something to do with chipmunking?" Mondo asked, looking over the schedule.
Wadska, cosplaying as the Bride from Kill Bill, pulls out two katanas. "Be patient. The time will come. In the meantime, here." He points the katanas at the boys. "Take your swords."
"No!" Woodie shouted, he's had enough of Wadska's activities. "Wadska, why do you always have to be such a spaz? Can't we just watch a movie, or make crank calls, or break into your parents' liquor cabinet, and steal their car like other normal teenage kids?" He said exasperatedly.
Wadska paused for a moment before putting the swords back in the chest, and removes the wig. "Okay. Wow. I mean, could have done all the normal stuff, but I wanted tonight to be extra special. I programmed every event based on your personal interests.
"What are you talking about? I got shot in the face with a paintball." Mondo said.
Wadska groans. "What am I talking..." he points to Mondo. "Your favorite movie is Avatar. Anyone can watch it! I let you live it. Shot like a Na'vi trying to protect his tree of souls." He then walks up to Woodie. "And you. Your favorite gore franchise is Saw."
"But what about the bucket full of bugs and worms?" Woodie asked.
"They're gummi worms. It's your favorite candy." Wadska said, while grabbing a gummi worm from Woodie's afro and ate it.
"This one's so lifelike." Mondo said, grabbing another worm from Woodie's afro.
"I'll take that." Wadska takes its from Mondo's hand before he eats it. "Thank you." he puts it down, revealing it to be a real snake.
"Whoa, I guess we misjudged you, bro." Woodie said.
"Yeah, you're not really that creepy after all." Mondo said.
"All I do I do for youuuu." Wadska sang.
"And we're right back to creepy."
"Duly noted." Wadska said.
Woodie grabs a sword and he and Wadska started clashing swords. Mondo grabs another sword and was about to join in when he suddenly hears a loud argument from Gene's room. "Wait, guys. Shush." he whispered as he tries to listen in. Thinking they're having a fight, Mondo exits Wadska's room with a paintball gun. "Excuse me for a moment."
Mondo kicked Gene's door open and starts shooting like crazy. But he found Gene all alone on his bed, barely avoided the paintballs. and had removed his flip-flops.
"Dude, what the hell?"
"Oh, I'm sorry! I heard screaming, I thought you were in danger, so I... shot you with paintballs. Where is Turk?"
"He left a while ago. He didn't really want to study. He just wanted to goof off. Big surprise. He didn't even bring any books. Only this porn video he wanted to show me." Gene said, holding up a DVD of Justine's Beaver. "I've never seen one of these before. Have you."
"Uh, no. Not really. Well, it's not like I've never seen one. I've watched one for, like, a minute. Well, I mean, I watched more than a minute. I can watch for hours sometimes. Uh, I don't mean I watch porn for hours. You're twisting my words!" Mondo rambled.
Gene laughed. "I just wanted to see what the big deal is. But I feel like a perv watching it alone. Do you wanna watch with me?"
"Ah, yeah. Sure." Mondo said, as he sits on the seat of Gene's bed.
Gene turns on the TV, and Mondo is disgusted by the contents on the screen. "Gross! There's no story whatsoever, they're just going for shock value." He said.
Oh, no. I paused it. This is Family Guy. [Groovy music] Relax. Come up here.
"No, I just paused it. This is Family Guy." Gene turns on the movie. Groovy jazz music started playing. He noticed Mondo was looking back at the empty spot next to him. "You can sit up here, man." he said, patted on his bed.
Gene leans back on his pillows, and extends his legs. Mondo can't help but stare at how muscular and smooth they are. He giggles nervously, and accidentally shoot out a blue paintball. "Oopsie."
"Are you enjoying this?" Gene asked, as he and Mondo tilted their head in unison.
"Yes. I mean, no. Of course not. No, no, no. But do you know what would be fun?" Mondo asked. He hit mute and started riffing at the muscular man with the ripped sleeves. "'Excuse me, ma'am. Pants detective. It seems your pants have gone missing.'"
"'Why, yes, I keep touching myself to check, but they're still gone.'" Gene said in an effeminate voice, as he riffs at the sexy blonde kick in pink lingerie. They both laughed.
"'Also, I brought you a pizza.'" Mondo riffed.
"'It should be free. It took more than a half hour and there's a penis in it.'" Gene riffed.
"'Ma'am, you don't have to play me with oral sex. I accept cash, credit cards, and regular sex.'"
Mondo puts his hand on Gene's shoulder. Suddenly they stare at each other. Mondo was thinking of kissing him right then and there. While Gene knows they share a bond of friendship that developed between them since Mondo moved to town, he can't help but suddenly feel that there's something more between them. Something like...
"Best Friend #2, this is Best Friend #1." Wadska's voice from the walkie talkie interrupted. "Closing ceremonies are about to commence. What's your 20?"
"Wow, he gave you the Best Friend Walkies. He's had them for like 8 years, and you're the first friends he's had over to use them."
"Oh." Mondo was a little surprised that he bought two walkie-talkies specifically for this day. "I did not know that."
"Yeah, you guys must mean a lot to him."
Seeing how happy Gene is for his little brother to finally have friends, Mondo answers back. "Best Friend #2 to Best Friend #1. I'm flying in." He then turned to Gene. "I've had a lot of fun playing 'porneoke' with you. So hilarious."
Gene laughed. "Same here." Then he gives Mondo a thumbs up.
Mondo and Woodie are sitting on the couch in the living. Triumphant music plays as Wadska arise from a large cardboard box between two smaller ones, like an Olympics stand, while wearing athletic clothing.
"Okay, welcome to the closing ceremonies of the three-way-sleep-date-man-love-fest!" Wadska declared. But Mondo and Woodie don't like that he's still referring to the sleepover as. "Also known as the everyday average dudes' slumber-bang."
"Close enough." Woodie said to Mondo.
"And now, without further ado, chipmunking!" Wadska announced.
"Finally!" Mondo said.
"Cool." Woodie said, eager to know what it is. But then Wadska pulled down his shorts, showing his genitalia. "What the hell is he doing?"
"Human beings don't bend that way." Mondo said.
"Oh, my God! Get those out of there!" Woodie yelled.
"What's happening?" Mondo yelled.
They both scream to the horror in front of them.
The next morning, Mondo is back home having breakfast with his mom.
"So how did things work out with Gene last night?" Babs asked.
"Awesome. We watched porn together." Mondo said.
"Now that's some great male bonding experience. So what else did you guys do?" she asked.
"Well, I watched a little weird dude stuff his nuts in his mouth." he said. Still disturbed by it.
"Oh, yeah. Chipmunking." Babs said nonchalantly. This made Mondo pause for a moment.
"So, what did you do last night?" Mondo asked.
"Ah, nothing much. It was a quiet night." Babs said.
Suddenly her bedroom door slammed open, and out comes a naked Ms. Teets riding her moped, holding a passed-out naked guy. "You should probably burn that mattress." she said, and left their apartment.
Later at the beach, Mondo and Woodie are floating at the water in their surfboards. Woodie was touching Mondo's chesticles.
"They're so ladylike." Woodie said.
"Okay, dude." Mondo removed Woodie's hands off his chest. "That's enough."
"Don't make this weird for me. You're afraid Gene will find out that you're cheating on him?" Woodie teased.
"This isn't cheating! And we aren't even going out! Yet?" Mondo said, with uncertainty at that last part. Then Woodie tried to touch Mondo's right chesticle from behind. "Uh-uh. I never agreed to the german cigarette."
"Yah."
"Nein."
"Yah."
"Nein!"