It's feels like it's been forever since I've gotten a chapter up. If it has been as long as it feels I apologize. Writer's block hit me pretty hard and every time I tried to write it turned out to be complete nonsense. I just want you all to know I have not abandoned this story.
I hope all of you are doing well.
Please leave a comment and let me know if this is shitty because I've read over it a zillion times and I still feel it's awful but it was better then the other attempts. Love you all and I hope you enjoy! On with the story! :)
Chapter 8: What do you fear?
Decisions made from desperation. No way to go.
Internal instincts craving isolation. For me to grow!
My fears come alive. In this place where I once died.
Demons dreaming. Knowing I, I just needed to realign.
Fell in a river of illusion. And apathy.
Drowning in a self-induced confusion.
I'd rather be. . . (Godsmack-Realign)
Angel woke up wiping her eyes clean of the dead sleep. She dreamed of nothing, which was the best way to sleep in her opinion. She pushed herself up slowly recollecting yesterday's events. "That's right I got shot," she said to herself lifting up her shirt an examining the wound.
She shrugged letting her bloody tank top fall back down. She grabbed up her bottle and slowly made her way out the cell greeting everyone who was awake with a smile. "Hey Rick," she called out to the man standing tall.
"Yea?" He turned to her with a small smile happy to see her on her feet.
"Can I get a shower up in here? Should be running off a well or something like that."
"Yea actually you can, come on." He waved his hand for her to follow as he made his way to the door unlocking it quickly. He turned and opened a door for her. The hallway was dark and void of any life. "There should be soap and stuff in there . . . towels too."
She nodded following him. "So what's your plans today?"
"I . . . don't know."
"No offense but . . . right now guns are really important." She took a drink out the bottle trying to ignore the pain in her chest. "Rick we gotta prepare for the worst, this guy wants us dead. Don't give two shits if there's kids or not."
"Well what do you purpose I do?"
"First off we need guns and ammo . . . lots and lots of them. I have a pretty good bit in my car but I don't think it'd really even make a dent for what we're up against."
"Speaking of which we moved your car with the others outside the cell block."
"Thanks man." She placed her hand on his shoulder and squeezed. She quickly pulled it back.
"Angel . . ." he stopped and turned to her and she starred at him.
"Yea?" she asked leaning against the wall.
"You said you were seeing ghost before . . . what did they tell you?" The question caught her completely off guard and it took a long time for her to come up with an answer.
"I umm . . . they were trying to keep me alive. It was all just my mind . . . you know subconscious and what not . . . I don't know a lot but I know how to live. I've been broken for years now but that part of me wont let me die. That and other things . . . Why do you ask?"
"Just a thought." He turned and walked a little ways ahead opening a door. He motioned at the door for her to walk in. She quickly caught up and walked inside.
"You know the way back?" She nodded a yes. "Someone will let you in when you get back."
"Thanks." He closed the door then and she turned to the open showers for a moment. She took a drink and stripped her clothes off before turning one on. She took a deep breath before stepping under the cold water.
She gasped as the water poured down her body. She quickly grabbed up a bar of soap that laid on the floor and scrubbed the dirt away before slipping down to the floor grabbing her bottle back up and taking a drink. She started crying then over the bottle.
"Why can't I quit this shit?" There it was, she felt bad about her medicine. She'd never give it up though, she knew that oh too well. "Fuck it," she mused taking another drink with a crease of a smile. She sat there under the water for a long time with her eyes closed. Right then the rest of the world didn't exist.
"I like the wings," a voice called out from the other side of the room. Angel gasped covering herself seeing Sully smiling at her. She got pissed then.
"Fucking pervert!" she spat, grabbing up a towel and wrapped it around herself. She charged at him then and pushed him against the wall. "What the fuck were you doing?"
"Waiting on you to finish. I'd like a cold shower too." He smiled not making any attempt on moving.
"You can have the damn thing." She slapped his face hard. "Don't do that shit!" He laughed down at her, ignoring the stinging in his cheek. He moved passed her and began stripping his clothes off. "Wait a damn minute let me get my things and I'll go!" He didn't listen as he stripped his jeans off.
She froze as he turned around. Her cheeks turned red as she struggled to get her things up. He smiled before turning on the water and stepping under it. "I'm not ashamed," he said grabbing the soap up. "It isn't like we've never seen each other naked. You never forget your first." He turned back around starring at her and she froze her cheeks red in embarrassment. "I didn't think it'd bother you . . . wasn't like I was coming in to get a hard on."
"Well still!" She pulled the towel tighter trying to chase the heat in her cheeks away. "That was rude. I wouldn't have done that to you!" He shrugged turning back to his shower.
"Sorry. I won't do it again. I didn't think it'd bother you so much . . . bet you wouldn't mind if it was Daryl." He meant for that last part to go unheard but she caught it just as clear as day.
"What is that suppose to mean?" She slipped her pants back on still using the towel to cover herself.
"Just what it meant." He frowned turning around slightly rolling his eyes over her. "I got a clean shirt in my bag you can have."
"I'd rather not," she said lowly turning her back against him putting her bra back on. He retrieved his bag quickly and snatched a faded gray tank top out his bag and shoved it into her hands.
"I insist," he said grabbing up her old torn and bloody one ripping it down the middle. She glared at him holding the new one close. He threw the shirt aside and froze starring down at the cross around her neck. "You kept it." He smiled transfixed with the little trinket that hung from a gold chain.
She froze as he laced his fingers around it and brought it off her skin. The smile on his face couldn't be described. You'd figure he would've been looking down at her breast that the bra held firmly but no that cross meant much more to him at the moment.
"Yea," she admitted. "Couldn't let it go. Meant to much to me to just throw it away." She took a step back feeling he was too close. He let the necklace fall back against her skin.
"Sorry," he mumbled knowing she didn't want him close. He returned to the shower and she quickly pulled the shirt on leaving him alone. "I won't chase you anymore," he whispered to himself and she missed it.
She grabbed up her bottle and left. She took her time making it back to the cellblock. She just collapsed into one of the chairs, making no sound. Her mind was rattled at the moment. "This shit is stupid," she mumbled. There was no time for Sully.
She grasped the cross in her hand the rough edges nearly cutting her skin. For some reason though she squeezed it tightly and blood dripped down into her lap; the black fabric of her pants taking it in. She let go finally banging her fist against the table in front of her. Her emotions were fucked at the moment.
She wanted to cry, wanted to laugh. She wasn't sure what to do. Finally she pulled a red rag out of her pocket and wrapped it around her hand. She relaxed her hand on the table and looked up as the door opened.
Rick, Michonne, and Carl walked out of the cellblock as the door slammed and locked behind them. "Hey," she greeted putting on a fake smile. "Where you off to?" she turned her attention to Rick fully.
He froze and scratched the back of his head. "Taking your advice . . . about the guns. We do need to stock up," he admitted. She got a bit excited then upon those words. She was ready to get the hell out of there for a while. She nodded her head slightly.
"Can I go? I'm feeling pretty good." He frowned at her before handing Carl the keys and motioning for the two go ahead. Angel felt dis-hearted then. The two left them alone. Rick took a seat across from her placing his arm on the table.
"Don't take this to heart," he said lightly grabbing her full attention. "It'd be better if you stay here, you're still hurt and don't tell me otherwise . . . I really need to keep the peace . . . You're pretty damn good at getting people's attention when you want to and making them think before they do. I've seen you in action." He smiled but she didn't return the gesture only stared at him further. "Everyone's tense with Sully around . . . and now Merle."
"I get it," she cut in. She was disappointed but he made a point that she couldn't argue with. "I can try . . . that's all." She offered a weak smile leaning back in the chair. He returned it. "You need any ammo? I still got enough for a one man army in my trunk."
He grinned pleased at her cooperation. He in all honesty was thinking she would put up a fuss; she surprised him. "No," he answered. "I think we'll be ok with what we have . . . Do you want anything?" She paused for a moment and made a gesture of deep thought before she smiled holding up her bottle and swirling the contents inside.
"What I always want." One thing about her is that it didn't take much to please her. He stood nodding. He offered her one more kind smile before taking his leave and setting her back in her thoughts where he had found her.
After a few moments of complete silence she couldn't stand herself anymore. She pushed herself up quickly and her wound tugged with the jerk. She ignored the pain though. She was more set on the fact she couldn't go with Rick and help but in her own words, 'fuck it!' she'd find something to do. She walked over to the gate entering the cellblock and held herself up with the bars stretching her muscles out as she fell onto her heels.
She really missed her set of keys. "Daryl!" she called out a bit annoyed.
He jogged down the stairs away from his brother. He paced taking his sweet time to reach the door. Each second that passed Angel's glare deepened towards him. "What you want?" He almost laughed at the look she sent him.
"Open the damn thing," she hissed leaning against the bars.
"Where's your boyf- er Sully?" He caught himself before he let it slip out. She cocked a brow almost sneering at his slip. She relaxed after a moment.
"Left him taking a shower." He shrugged opening the door for her and let her inside before locking the gate back. She walked past him but as a thought ran over her head she spun on her heel meeting his gaze. "Who's on watch?"
"Glen and Maggie. . . Why you ask?"
"If nobody was. I'd take a shift. I. Am. Bord. As. Hell." She drug the sentence out making it known she was losing her mind sitting there and doing nothing. She slipped her bottle in between her pants and worn leather belt. He was going to reply but looked past her and froze crossing his arms. She already knew who was approaching by the look on his face.
"I'll give you something to do," Merle said behind her. "Just step into one of these cells and I'll fix your problem real quick."
She spun around sneering at him. She searched desperately for a smart remark. "Nah I'm good . . . nothing with you involved could be any fun." She gave a small smirk walking past him.
"You'll come around baby!" he called out and she returned the comment with a mocking laugh.
"In your dreams Dixon!" She flopped down on the bed inside her cell. "Gonna blow my damn brains out sitting around," she mumbled to herself. She tossed her bottle aside. "You can kiss my ass too," she hissed starring at it. She had enough drinking to deal with all her wounds the ones that could be seen then the ones that were deeper then any bullet could touch. "You're not helping shit." She tossed and jerked looking away from it.
She stared at the wall dwindling away in her thoughts. She latched onto the cross-laced around her neck once again not even realizing she was caressing it. She turned it over in her fingers lovingly as she drifted off to the bittersweet memory behind it.
Angel sat on top the tour bus staring over the busy California street beneath her. Los Angeles was a boring place in her opinion though; everyone was so stuck up and had their faces buried in their phones.
At the moment she was absolutely pissed. Sully had caught her and Sammy doing a line of cocaine and he had to give a speech on how bad it is and why not to do it. If she recalled right she was about grown. What gave him the right to treat her like a child.
The drugs had her heart pumping in her chest and her mind raced faster then she could completely process a thought. Still the anger set into her emotions and it wasn't going away on it's own.
Sully climbed slowly up the ladder to the top of the bus, plotting his words carefully. He hesitated for a second before he pulled himself on top and stuck a small box he had been carrying in his pocket. Angel glared at him for a moment before turning her back to him. "I'm not talking to you," she said bitterly. The small smile he had disappeared.
"What do you want me to say?" he questioned defensively. "Oh it's fine do whatever the hell you want. Is that what you want me to say?"
"Actually yes. That's exactly what I want." She crossed her arms not daring to turn back and look at him. He gave a crisp 'heh' glaring daggers into her back.
"So sorry princess," he said hatefully. "It's just kind of hard sitting back, doing nothing seeing you and Sammy do that. I got to watch my dad die with a heart attack because of that shit." She shot up to her feet spinning around meeting his gaze with hate in hers.
"Don't try and put me on a guilt trip! You treat me like a child." Her eyes teared over. He felt bad then, he hated seeing her cry. His glare died immediately upon seeing those silent tears.
"Angel I . . ."
"No . . . it's not right. I know you take care of me and everything but it doesn't give you the right to treat me like that."
"Do you even know why I bust my ass to make sure you got a roof over your head and food in your gut?" She crossed her arms again starring at him, she couldn't give him an answer. He continued, "If I didn't love you I wouldn't give two shits if you had everything you needed to live or not . . . Point is I care and I know how bad that shit is . . . Sorry I care."
She let her gaze fall to the ground hugging herself. He reached his hand out placing it on her shoulder giving her a pained look.
"If that's what you want to do go right ahead . . . just don't let me see it please. It about killed me seeing both of you do that," he stated holding the small box behind his back. He pulled her close wrapping an arm around her.
"I won't do it again," she whispered lacing her arms around his sides. "I didn't know it bothered you so much."
"Forget about it sweetie . . . I overreacted. You still came out on top though." She pushed him back and starred up at him.
"How so?" He grinned bringing the box forward. He opened it with a nervous hand trying to hide it the best he could. She grabbed her mouth in shock as she starred down at the small trinket. It was the same demonic cross on a gold chain she and Jade had saw in a small store. She wanted it so bad at the time but she was broke.
"Tada!" He laughed at her expression.
"How did you know?"
"Jade told me." As if on cue the girl hollered from the ground puffing steadily on a cigarette. They giggled.
"How could you afford it?" He smiled making her turn around as he drug it out the box with two fingers. He laced it around her neck taking his time.
"Well . . . we're going to be eating oodles and noodles the rest of the week." He turned her around to face him as he planted both hands on her shoulders. "It was well worth that smile though . . . priceless." Tears invaded her eyes once again contrasting a bright smile.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, begging for him to bring his face closer. He did and she kissed him softly but passionately. He slowly laid her down on her back as he straddled her waist not breaking the sweet kiss.
She pulled away starring up at him with big soft violet eyes. "I love you Sully," she whispered.
"I love you too Angel," he replied whispering it right into her ear. He pulled away and smiled down at her.
In a lot of ways she missed that. Those sweet little moments you get to make when you're close to someone. Those moments that you could never forget. In all honesty she missed being that intimate with someone who understood her. Being alone isn't all it's cracked up to be. There's strength and safety in that loneliness though.
It's so much harder for someone to be able to hurt you, and if they die it doesn't hurt as much when they do. Angel liked to think she was a strong person who had no flaws; but she knew she did have a vulnerability. She let people in easily. Any time she saw good in someone she'd open up her heart to them. And usually those people decided to leave her.
Then she realized right then. . . Sully had never left her, she left him. And even so he still tried to be there for her even after she tried so hard to push him away, he wouldn't budge. An undying friendship and love that wouldn't go away.
She wished Sully had never come back; wished Daryl stayed away with his brother. She was sure she was going to outlive them both and end up alone. The reality she was living was unrealistic to her, she should've died a long time ago. Only kept alive to make hard choices that she could never make right. Kept alive to live in misery. The good times she had were long gone. In a way she would've gave anything to get them back. Truth was she didn't give two shits if she'd die the next day as long as she could be around people she cared about and make them smile nothing else mattered.
She left her thoughts when a shoe scuff on the cement floor caught her ear. She lifted herself up facing the door. Daryl stood at the opening biting his thumb like he always did while starring at her. "What you want?" she asked lowly.
"You wanna take over watch? Get outside for a bit?" She pushed herself up quickly sleeving her pistols and grabbing her rifle. She looked down at her bottle pausing for a moment. She thought about taking it but quickly decided against it.
"Let's go," she stated jumping up with a wide grin. She slung the rifle on stopping in front of him. She threw her hand out. "Lead the way Dixon."
He quickly spun around and led the way. Merle shot him a wink as they passed. "Shut up," Daryl mumbled and Angel sent both of them a glare. Merle laughed and Daryl sighed. He opened the gate quickly and led the way to a small flight of stairs in a dark corner.
"Huh," Angel shrugged. "Never seen these before." She gave a short laugh and he couldn't help but smile as they flew up the stairs. He slung the door open at the top revealing a cross walk that over looked the place. Maggie and Glen leaned against the fence.
"What's up?" Glen asked shooting his head in their direction.
"You're off duty," Daryl answered pulling his crossbow tighter on his shoulder. "We got it." Glen nodded and they took their leave. As the door slammed shut behind them Angel leaned against the fence starring out over the yard.
"Damn shame you couldn't fix the gate," she commented.
"Damn shame you get shot up all the time," he shot back taking a few steps closer and leaning on the fence the same way.
"Well shit happens Daryl."
"Yea . . . and people die . . . you don't though." She coked a brow at him.
"What? You want me to die?" She giggled at the look he shot her.
"I never said that." A silence fell after that. Only the moans and noises the walkers made registered. Angel lowered her head and let out a breath.
"I've made up mind," she said softly giving him a sorrowful look.
"And what's that?" He gave a concerned stare guarding for the worst.
"After this bullshit . . . this crap with Wood Berry is over . . . I'm going back with Sully . . . going back with Jewel." She turned her head towards him giving a frown.
"You bringing her back here?" She let her gaze fall.
" . . .No." He gave a sad look letting his blue eyes show all the hurt at the news. "And I'm not coming back. She expected him to storm off like a child. Like he was prone to do when she said something that would hurt him. He didn't move though. It left her a bit dazed.
"Heh," he gave a pitiful laugh. "Seems about right. Every time we get on the same page one of us has to fuck it up."
"Seems like it. Don't it? You still remember the day we met?" She looked at him with half a smile.
"Yea . . . I do. I heard you screaming and yelling. Who knew just how much walking around a corner could change you're life."
"Heh yea . . . who knew one redneck could save my life."
"What?"
"Don't know if you saw . . . but I was going to blow my brains out right there. . . I was one second away from pulling the trigger." She made a fake gun with her hand and pretend to pull the trigger beside her head and made a popping sound to replace the bang. She smiled at him. "You stopped me though." She let her smile die with a sad frown.
"No . . . no I didn't know . . . I really wanted nothing to do with you . . . There was just something I couldn't turn my back on."
"You still feel that way?" He shot half a glare at her before relaxing.
"Does it matter? I gotta stay and you gotta leave. Long distant relationships definitely don't work anymore."
"Hah yea! You know . . . I still meant what I said . . . that night."
"What?"
"You're a good man if you weren't you couldn't make me hurt . . . I'd just bring you down in the end."
"Heh!" He pushed away from the fence and glared at her. He was clearly pissed. "You think I'm that stuck on you! Huh?" She pushed off the fence with force. She quickly closed the distance between them leaving no air to breathe as she stood on her tippy toes. She glared at him as her eyes shifted to red.
"Never fucking claimed that! I was just preaching reality! We're not good for each other!" He starred down at her, his anger slowing fading away. He made no attempt to move and neither did she.
"Just shut up," he said as if breathless. He grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her against his chest by the middle of her back. She reached up pecking his lips lightly, placing her hand on his cheek. He starred at her a bit shocked.
He threw away the gentleness of the moment by crushing his lips down on hers. He slammed her against the fence squeezing her butt.
The moment was bitter sweet, rekindling old feelings that had been long gone. Everything else was forgotten between them. Nothing mattered. A laugh sounded out from the side. Angel rolled her eyes angrily pushing his face away.
"What?" she yelled hatefully. Her eyes widened as she laid them upon Sully. He looked angry and hurt all at once, the shit-eating grin on his face couldn't be described. He crossed his arms, starring daggers into both of them.
Angel tired to push Daryl away but he didn't move nor looked at Sully. He just starred at Angel with a hungry clearly recognizable.
"I get it," Sully said calmly letting a crooked smile scar his features. "You're a big girl now. Gotta make your own decisions and what not . . . heh. . . if you get burned though . . . you get burned. Ain't no one gonna be there to lick your wounds for you." He turned slinging the door open letting it slam behind him.
Daryl proceeded back to what he was doing. He grabbed her face making her look back up to him. "I'd be there," he said softly using a tone you never heard. He reached down trying to kiss her. She pushed him away, getting some space between them.
"Will you quit?" There was a lot of hurt in her words as her voice gave it away while it cracked. "He's gonna go do something stupid." She placed her hands on the fence bracing herself up as she let her head fall in the direction of the ground. Her mind wasn't all there at the moment; somewhere mixed in between the tender moment with Daryl and the angry Sully had pointed at her.
He walked up behind her placing his hands above hers, lacing his fingers in the chain link. "Do you want me?" he asked biting his lip.
"Daryl don't . . . you-"
"Do you want ME?" he asked louder cutting her words off to nothing. "Does Jewel want me around again? Do you want me to be there for you two and you two only?" She teared up, her heart twisting in the burning feeling of angry. Not because he was bullshitting her, she was more angry with herself.
"Does it really fucking matter what I want? What I need? You know . . . I wish I never found you again . . . or Jewel . . . I shoulda stayed alone and waited for your brother to come back and kill me. Even if he didn't. . . the loneliness was taking me over. . . but no one else was hurting. No all I had was my pain and it alone. All I could think about was you and Jewel." She gave a small laugh. A silence fell that left time standing still. Neither of them moved or attempted to speak.
"I want to go with you," he said breaking the pause. She ignored him.
"What do you want from this world Daryl? To be a leader? To have a family and be happy with them? To die with your wife and leave your kids all alone in this fucked up world. And how would you want people to remember you? Do you wanna be the one who abandoned people for his own wants? Or do you wanna be the one who gave up everything so others could go on living?"
To say he was expecting that question from her would've been way off; he was left dazed by it.
"These people need you . . . I do but . . . hey I won't die if I don't have you. Jewel and Sully need me and it's not here . . . I drug Sully into this war. And look what the fuck I did. I got him shot."
"He's a grown man he'll live."
"No doubt . . . but there's a debt there I haven't paid off."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Once upon a time he took care of me when I couldn't. When I was weak . . . and I left him and his brother. That's my family . . . Just like Merle is to you."
"So that's it huh? There isn't room for me?"
"Never said that. It'd be selfish for me to take you away from the people that need you most. I'm leaving but shit who knows we might run in to each other one day and get to have the fairy tale ending . . . I really doubt it but if I've learned anything it's that this is a small fucking world." She gave a small smile turning around to face him. She grabbed his wrists. "Let's see just how strong you are Dixon." He rested his forehead against hers. He closed his eyes trying to grasp the moment and never lose it. He knew he couldn't hang on forever though.
"I ain't shit." He pushed away from her landing softly on the other side leaning against the chain link starring at her.
"Shut the fuck up. You know better."
"You don't know what the hell you're talking about! You never do!" He glared at her biting his thumb. She gave a frustrated sigh rolling her eyes. She smiled weakly.
"Maybe you're right . . . then again you could be just as delusional as me."
"If you think I'm anything like you . . . you're out of it, you need to go lay down." She laughed pushing off the fence.
"Yea." She held her head letting her smile fade. She held her hand out. "Give me the keys I'm going to go lay down."
"Nope you're stupid when you got freedom." She didn't know why but that comment set her off more then anything else. It hit her like a punch and when she gets hit there's only one reaction. Violence.
"The fuck you just say Dixon?" She closed the gap between them grasping his shirt collar in her hands. She clenched her fists shoving him into the chain link hard. He looked at her like he wanted to bite her head off.
"Get your fucking hands off me Angel." Despite the look on his face he spoke calmly.
"I don't think you get me yet . . . I don't think you ever will. I get you though. Not hard to see through that wall you put up."
"What's that got to do with shit?"
"Every-fucking-thing!" She shoved him into the fence harder before snatching her hands away.
"I'm tired of that shit!" He yelled shoving her hard. She spun around on her heel to keep her rifle from getting scuffed up. She clenched her wound as her body bounced off the chain link and she caught herself. She had to pause from the impact to will the pain away.
She finally turned back around glaring at him. "Oh you fucked up," she smiled at the ground.
In an instance she slammed him into the fence and brought her knife against his throat. "I could cut you into a million pieces and feed you to the walkers. And you couldn't do shit!" she yelled angrily.
"Get the fuck off me!" He tried pushing her away once again, but she kicked his feet out from under him. His body banged against the cement and he let out a grunt. He drew a breath as Angel followed pushing the back of the blade against his throat. Her expression didn't linger as she snatched the keys off his belt loop. She was sick of people telling her what to do when she could kill them in less then a second.
"This is usually the part where I kill and run off . . . but," she spoke softly starring down at him. She smiled jolting back up to her feet. He pushed himself up on his hands starring up at her.
"Angel," he said almost in a whisper.
"Don't you speak my name," she whispered back frowning. "Both of you need to understand . . . I'm stronger." She walked past him heading for the door. She whistled a tune spinning the knife around in her hand like nothing in the world was wrong.
"Hey!" he barked jumping up and running after her. She spun around to meet him and didn't flinch as he pulled his pistol out. "I don't give a shit what you use to do or how strong you think you are. You're still human. You're just as fragile as me." He cocked the gun and placed the barrel against where her heart was. She didn't sway at the action or even acted like she cared if he was going to pull the trigger or not.
"That's where you are wrong. I got pumped full of experimental drugs, it made me a walking shooting range and it made me immune to the virus. I'm not no where near as fragile as you." She raised her arm showing off the bite scar and his eyes widened as his hand shook a little; not much but just enough for her to notice. "Im scared for you, for Jewel, for Sully, and for everyone . . . I'm more afraid of outliving everyone and be left here alone. You wanna pull that trigger go ahead. . . You'd be saving me from a lot of hurt."
He slowly let the gun trail down her stomach and back into his belt with an unreadable look. He looked back to her and pushed a few stray hairs out of her face.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" he asked softly.
"Too busy fighting each other."
"How long have you known?"
"Found it all out when we got separated. That time was pretty hazy but I remember leaving one guy alive at the base. I left my blood with him . . . he's suppose to find a cure." She handed him back the keys no longer feeling angry. In fact she felt nothing at the moment. "If he doesn't find a cure I can't save anyone . . . If I keep on like I am I get to see everybody die . . . but hey I'll be there to bullet in your head if you do."
He knew well that if you died, no matter the cause you would turn. You don't have to be bitten. He hadn't thought about that in a long time, mainly because he didn't want to. If she was telling the truth about the drugs she'd out live them all probably. He couldn't imagine himself being able to watch everyone die and keep on living, knowing no matter who you care for they are still weak and fragile and could be taken away at any moment. He didn't want that for her.
"I'm living in my hell," she said not changing her expression. "Maybe you understand now why I try so hard to push everyone away . . . it's hard though but it's the best. Yea I'm selfish when it comes to that but I have my reasons." He starred at her for a long time not being able to find words that would make any sense of the way he was feeling. He had to give up.
"Come on you need to go lay down," he said softly walking past her taking her back to the cells. As soon as she made it into the cellblocks she got the hell away from Daryl and back to her little cell.
She couldn't help but think about all the bullshit spinning around in her mind. "I'm sorry if I hurt you Daryl. Sorry if I hurt you Sully," she whispered to herself. She snatched the bottle of the floor and finished it off in one go before falling back in the bed passing out.