The Doctor was still holding the copy of The Daily Prophet in his hand as Jack sat back down on the couch, his outstretched arms just a bit closer to the twins' shoulders than they had been a few minutes earlier. "Well, that speeds up the search," Jack joked. "Now all we need to do is figure out where she is and the locket is as good as ours," he boasted.
Arthur sighed loudly before speaking. "That's Dolores Umbridge. She works inside the Ministry of Magic these days," he stated. "She's responsible for rounding up the half-bloods and Muggle-born among us and taking their wands," he said sourly. He turned to face Hermione. "Because your parents were both Muggles, you have been declared undesirable number 2," he told her.
"Who's number one?" Hermione asked, slightly peeved. Even if it was the Ministries most wanted list, it bothered her that she wasn't first. Harry raised his hand, silently answering her question.
Vastra stepped into the living room and took the paper from the Doctor's hands. She studied the photo and then tossed the paper down in disgust. "I'm not really good at judging your species by how you appear considering you all look alike to me, but even I can tell that is a very disagreeable woman," she exclaimed.
"You have no idea," Harry muttered under his breath.
Hermione was close enough to Harry to hear him and grabbed his left wrist. "You're right, they don't know, but they should," she said sternly. Yanking on Harry's arm, she dragged him to the center of the living room so everyone could see the thin scars on the back of his left hand.
The Doctor stooped over and twisted his head so he could read Harry's hand when he realized the scars formed words. "I must not tell lies," he read aloud. "Why are those words etched into your hand, Harry?" the Doctor demanded. His demeanor had changed, becoming cold and still - like the air right before a terrible storm.
Hermione answered for Harry. "Harry refused to do as the Ministry asked and claim that Voldemort was dead. Instead he told people the truth," she replied. "Umbridge forced Harry to write out those words thousands of times with a magical quill that only wrote in his blood," she told her boyfriend. The rest of the room grew still as that sunk in. Arthur and Molly looked at the floor guiltily. They felt partly responsible since Harry didn't have parents who could have stood up for him in front of Hogwarts' board of trustees. Jack clenched his jaw in anger, his eyes almost as cold as the Doctor's. Vastra's hand had unconsciously slid to the hilt of her sword. Harry noticed these protective gestures and was amazed so many people wanted to look out for him.
Arthur was the first to break the silence. "The Ministry is heavily guarded and full of Death Eaters. They've been told to look out for every known member of the Order of the Phoenix," he told the group. "That includes all of my children as well as Harry and Hermione," he explained. "From some probing done by other Order members, we know Umbridge's home is even more shielded than ours," he added. "I don't have a clue as to when you might be able to get to her," he said sadly.
Jack watched as his oldest friend started to grin slightly. "I still recognize that look, even if it is on a new face, Doc," he told the Doctor. "You have a plan," he surmised.
The Doctor turned to face Jack, his manic energy returning. "Yes... I suppose I do," he agreed. "Do you still have your slightly psychic paper?" he asked. Jack reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the object in question. He opened up the paper and smiled suggestively.
Hermione only saw a blank piece of paper, but judging from the embarrassed blushes coming from most of the Weasleys, she didn't really want to know what it said. "What's your plan Doctor?" she inquired.
"We are going to the Ministry of Magic and taking the locket from that horrible woman," the Doctor replied. "Jack and I can use our slightly psychic paper to get into the Ministry. Bureaucrats just love official looking IDs," he stated. He pulled his black, second-hand robe out of his jacket pocket and draped it over his shoulders, leaving the front open again. "Jack's coat it close enough to a robe, so I think we'll pass," he explained.
Hermione put her hands on her hips defiantly. "I'm not letting you two go into the Ministry alone," she said, her tone leaving no room for discussion.
The Doctor stepped over to Hermione and put his hand lovingly on her shoulder. "I wouldn't dream of it," he replied softly.
"They'll be on you as soon as someone recognizes 'Mione," Ron warned.
Hermione glared at Ron. "Then I'll have to look like someone else, won't I," she said sarcastically. "I still have a stash of polyjuice potion set aside," she reminded him. At the mention of polyjuice potion, Harry and Ron both looked a bit ill as they remembered when they had used it for the first time during their second year at Hogwarts. "All we have to do is get a hair sample from someone the Death Eaters don't suspect, add it to the potion, drink it, and I'll be able to join you in the Ministry," she explained.
The Doctor made a sour face. "That sounds disgusting," he muttered.
Ron nodded his head in agreement. "You can say that again, Doctor. It smells worse than your Lungbarrow porridge and it tastes worse than it smells," he added to the conversation.
"Like I said... disgusting," the Doctor repeated.
Hermione put her hands on her hips and stared at the Doctor. "If you have a better idea, I would love to hear it," she told him.
The Doctor beamed at her while he dug around in his larger on the inside pocket of his jacket. "Of course I have a better idea, I'm the Doctor," he reminded her with a wink. "Ah-ha!" he exclaimed when he found what he was looking for. He pulled out a length of silver chain with a large, spherical metallic pendant hanging from it. In the center of the silver sphere was a blue crystal with copper wires leading out of it to the edge of the sphere. Hermione noticed the blue was the same color as the outside of the TARDIS.
Jack jumped off the couch as ran to the Doctor. "You finally got that thing working?" he inquired, studying the pendant.
The Doctor looked down at the chain for a moment and then replied hesitantly, "Um... more or less. I've been tinkering with it off and on whenever I have a free moment. As a Time Lord, you would think I would have more of those." He placed the chain around Hermione's neck. "I call this a Personal Holographic Aid and Reconnaissance Tool," he told Hermione. He tapped the center crystal with his index finger. "This crystal is quantumly linked to the TARDIS. Once you activate the device, the TARDIS scans the area and chooses a disguise for you - much like the Chameleon Circuit is supposed to do. After the TARDIS makes its decision, it projects a multi-spectrum holographic field around the wearer," he explained.
Hermione held the pendant in her hands and looked at skeptically. "What's the catch?" she wondered aloud.
Jack answered before the Doctor could. "The catch is the TARDIS chooses your disguise," he responded before turning to look at the Doctor accusingly. "Sometimes it isn't exactly what you want," he added.
The Doctor held up his hands in defense. "Look... I already said I was sorry. Besides, it wasn't really my fault. I think the TARDIS was just cross with you that day," he tried to explain.
Jack moved his eyes from the Doctor to Hermione. "Your boyfriend here had me try it so he could work the bugs out. The blue of the pendant matches my eyes, so I said yes," he told her. "The pattern the TARDIS chose for me was a giant fire hydrant," he said, wincing at the memory.
"That doesn't sound too bad," Hermione replied hesitantly.
Jack shook his head in remembered disgust. "We were on Canus Major at the time - a planet inhabited by sentient dogs," he explained with a grimace. Fred and George fell off the couch laughing at the image that popped into their heads.
While Hermione tried to think of anything she might have done to offend the TARDIS, George grabbed a quill as well as some parchment. He scribbled something quickly, snickering the entire time he wrote. He showed it to his twin who also started to chuckle. Harry looked at the twins curiously. George smiled and turned the parchment over so Harry could read what he had written. On the parchment was the acronym for the device Hermione had around her neck. Harry snorted when he put the letters together.
Fred hopped off the couch and leaned on the wall near the Doctor. "Doctor, I'm not sure how they do things where you're from, but around here it's considered impolite to have a PHART in public, let alone hang one around your girlfriend's neck," he said with a straight face.
Hermione rolled her eyes in frustration when Jack started to giggle along with the twins and Harry. "Honestly, you would think you all were all twelve years old," she exclaimed in irritation. Having mustered up enough courage, Hermione touched the center crystal, activating it.
Jack stopped laughing and wistful smile spread across his face. "I didn't expect that," he said softly. The Doctor was also smiling, but he looked less surprised.
Hermione hurried off to the hall where a mirror hung on the wall. The face looking back at her was one she had recently encountered. Jack walked up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hello, River," he whispered. Hermione looked harder in the mirror and took time to study her older self. Her hair was a bit longer and a little frizzier. She was dressed in a white jacket with matching, tight white leather pants. A white, fur lined cloak hung over her shoulders and was held on by a silver chain. Her larger bosom drew her attention again and she slowly lifted a hand to her breasts.
"They're not real," the Doctor told her as he stepped into the hallway. Hermione gave him a questioning glance. "What I mean to say is those are a holographic projection. I'm fairly certain River's are real," he corrected himself.
"How do you know?" Hermione demanded. Jack caught the hint of a smile on "River's" face.
"I built the thing, I should know whether or not it projects a holographic field," the Doctor replied, slightly confused by her question.
Jack winked at Hermione, encouraging her to go on. "I meant, how do you know my future self's breasts are real?" she corrected. Before the Doctor could answer, she added, "Have you touched them?"
The Doctor's eyes grew wide as he blushed. "No... I mean yes... I mean sort of," he stammered. "River has used me to break her fall on more than one occasion and my hand might just have brushed against... well..." he started to say. "Can we talk about something else, please?" he begged, clearly flustered.
The image of River Song walked past the Doctor. When she was shoulder to shoulder to him, she whispered in his ear, "I'm sure my future self didn't mind." This made the Doctor blush even more. For some reason she didn't understand, wearing River's body gave Hermione much more confidence when flirting with the Doctor.
Jack hurried past the Doctor and whispered to Hermione, "Just so you know, I now consider you the newest and well... only pupil in the Jack Harkness School of Flirting." He walked past her and sat back down again between the twins, his arms just barely resting against their shoulders.
Ginny stepped into the center of the living room with Harry in tow. "We're going with you," she informed her biological father.
The Doctor shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Ginny, I only built the one Personal Holographic Aid and Recon Tool," he told her.
Harry snorted in laughter again at the name of the device. Ginny managed to keep a straight face, but it had been a hard task. She shook her head to clear her mind. "We won't need one. Harry has a cloak of invisibility and we can both fit under it," she explained. "Show him, Harry," she suggested. Harry pulled out his father's cloak from under his robe, tossed it over his head, and disappeared from view. Ginny cocked her head to the side and muttered, "That's weird."
Harry moved the cloak so his head showed, seemingly suspended in midair. "What's weird?" he inquired.
"I can see you," Ginny replied, still trying to figure out what exactly she was seeing.
The Doctor tapped a spot on the back of his skull and then tapped a spot in the same place on Ginny's. "I can seehim as well, but I sincerely doubt anyone else can. What you're seeing is his temporal footprint - a shadow of his Timestream," he explained.
Arthur shook his head in dismay. "The Ministry has invisibility detectors at every entrance," he told his adopted daughter.
Ginny smiled at him and held up her wrist, displaying her Vortex Manipulator. "That's where this comes in. I can set it to project a small perception filter. The spells will detect the cloak, but they just won't care," she explained. Jack frowned at what Ginny was saying. Much of his knowledge of how the manipulators worked had been wiped from his memory and he could have used that information on more than one occasion.
The Doctor spun around and clapped his hands. "All right, we have our merry little band to go visit the Ministry of Magic," he exclaimed happily. He pointed at Vastra and then Ace. "Ladies, I need you to stay here and help protect the Burrow in case there are more Death Eater attacks. I don't want anyone else getting injured like Molly," he instructed.
Ace and Vastra nodded in assent. Jack reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a sonic pistol. He tossed it to Ace. "Here, you might need this. It's an upgrade from the one I used to have," he told her. "This one has a rechargeable battery pack, since someone destroyed the plant where the batteries were produced and put up a banana plantation in its place over night," he said sarcastically while staring at the Doctor.
"Bananas are good for you," the Doctor repeated from the first time he and Jack had had that argument. "By the way, where did you pick those up?" he demanded.
Jack pulled out two more sonic pistols from his coat as well as two holsters. "It's what I traded the Dursleys for," he said merrily. Jack saw the Doctor's eyes lock on to one of the pistols in his hand. That one was slightly more silver in color than the other one and had an interchangeable capacitor core. "Yeah, I recognized it right away too," he told the Doctor. Without warning, Jack tossed the pistol and holster to Hermione. She caught them and looked at Jack quizzically. "Don't worry, I'll teach you the finer points of shooting it later and then someday you will return the favor," he told her. "For now, all you need to know is point it at something bad and squeeze the trigger," he explained.
"JACK!" the Doctor yelled angrily.
Jack turned to face the Doctor and then stepped in front of him, his back turned to Hermione. "It's not your call and you know it, Doctor," he challenged. "You know River - the River from the future. She's one of the best shots I've ever seen and I've seen lots of shooters," he told him. "Hermione has to start somewhere," he added before turning so Hermione could see them again.
"No killing, Jack. I meant it!" the Doctor swore. He turned on his heel and barged out of the house, leaving the others to hurry to catch up with him.
Jack stopped Hermione and slid a lever on her pistol. "This setting causes a sonic pattern that interferes with a human neural network causing them to pass out until the wave dissipates. It usually takes anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour before your target regains consciousness," he explained. Jack made a point of adjusting his pistol the same way.
London, outside of the Ministry of Magic
The TARDIS materialized in a dark alley a block away from the building that housed the Ministry of Magic. The doors to the old blue box opened and the Doctor stepped out, taking a cautious look around. Satisfied, he motioned the others to follow him. "Sorry I couldn't land us in the Ministry. There's some sort of temporal disturbance down there and the TARDIS refused to go near it," he apologized.
Hermione gave his hand a squeeze, still looking like River. "I don't mind walking," she told him and tried to walk seductively away. The effect was ruined however when she stumbled on a loose paving stone.
"We should head to the public entrance," Ginny's disembodied voice came from behind them. "Dad took me there once. I'm pretty sure it's those doors over there on our right," she told them.
"Right, public entrance it is," the Doctor proclaimed.
Once they were inside the building, Ginny whispered directions to the Doctor and had them stand in the queue for the men's room. Jack shrugged his shoulders and stood in line. Hermione joined them when she saw there were other women waiting in line for the "men's room." Once they reached the stalls, Ginny and Harry pushed in front of the Doctor. They held each other close and stood in the toilet bowl. The Doctor's brow creased in concern when he heard the water splash in the bowl.
"What are we doing?" Harry hissed. His voice drifted away after Ginny reached up and pulled the cord to transport them to the lower levels.
"I believe we have to flush ourselves into the Ministry," the Doctor told Jack in the next stall.
Jack stepped into the toilet bowl muttering, "This is all kinds of wrong, Doc." He pulled the chain and swirled around the bowl before being brought to the Ministry's main lobby. The Doctor flushed himself an instant later.
Jack and the Doctor waited for Hermione to appear in the large fireplace behind them. She looked more than a little disturbed. "Are all men's rooms that dirty?" she wondered aloud.
Jack nodded his head and sighed. "Pretty much, yeah," he replied.
"Eewww," Hermione muttered. She followed Jack and the Doctor as they made their way towards a wizard wearing an arm band and tapping his wand on his hand menacingly.
Jack and the Doctor stepped up close to the security wizard, intruding on his personal space. They both held out their slightly psychic paper. "I'm the Doctor and this is Captain Harkness, Black CATs," the Doctor said sternly. The security wizard's eyes widened in shock when he read their Ids. "This is my assistant, Mrs. Robinson," the Doctor continued. He closed his paper, changed hands behind his back, and held it up again. "Here are her credentials," he told him.
The security wizard had stopped tapping his wand and swallowed hard. "How... how can I help you, gentlemen?" he croaked. He had heard all about Black CATs and the kind of things they were rumored to do.
Jack went into full conman mode. He placed a friendly arm around the guard's shoulder. "We're here on official business. We would really appreciate it if you didn't let anyone know you saw us," he told the man. Jack purposefully paused and then took a step back from the man. He made a show of looking the guard up and down. "Just so you know, the service will be starting a hiring cycle in the next few months. We could really use wizards of your caliber," he lied. Jack took out a pen and wrote down an address. "If you decide to join us, show up here and ask for Mary. Tell her Captain Harkness sent you," he suggested.
The security wizard was nearly bursting with pride. "I'll do that, sir," he told Jack. "I'll also make sure the other security wizards don't bother you three," he added, glad to help the Black CATs.
Jack slapped the man on the shoulder and smiled. "I look forward to hearing about your application," he said and then led the Doctor and Hermione away from the beaming security wizard.
Hermione kicked the back of the Doctor's leg. "Mrs. Robinson, honestly Doctor," she swore. "You're lucky he was a 'pure-blood' wizard and hasn't seen that movie," she hissed. The Doctor just grinned, thinking it was funny that she reacted that way whenever he used that particular name. Hermione rolled her eyes and turned her attention to Jack. "The twins would be impressed. I've never seen someone conned that easy," she praised him. "Just out of curiosity, where did you send that pour sod?" she inquired.
Jack turned his head slightly to smirk at Hermione. "I sent him to a particularly flamboyant gay bar I used to frequent. Mary is the stage name of one of the drag queen performers. She used to be a sumo wrestler before the call of the stage hit her," he chuckled. He could hear Harry and Ginny trying not to laugh behind him. Jack looked around at the swirling sea of wizards around them. "Anybody have any idea on where we should start looking for Umbridge?" he wondered aloud.
"I'll take care of this one," the Doctor responded. He watched the faces of the people walking by. He chose one heavy set man whose face was smugly satisfied instead of tense and anxious. Dodging his way through the crowd, the Doctor intercepted the man. "Excuse me, Sir," he greeted the wizard with a warm smile. "My friend and I have some very important matters to discuss with Ms. Umbridge," he stated, letting his smile become slightly predatory. "Do happen to know where we could find her?" he inquired.
The man the Doctor had chosen for his evil demeanor smiled back at the Doctor. He affectionately hit the Doctor in the shoulder. "Good for you! I wish more of our brother wizards would cooperate with the new order," he praised. "Ms. Umbridge is holding inquisitions down in the Wizengamot chambers," he told the Doctor.
"Thank you," the Doctor said and offered to shake the man's hand. The man did so and then went on his way. When the man was out of sight, the Doctor wiped his hand down the front of his robe before returning to his group. "She's supposed to be somewhere called the Wizengamot Chamber," he told them.
"I know where that is," Harry and Ginny said together.
"Shhhhh!" Jack hissed as a few people looked at them strangely. He met their eyes and smiled. "Practicing ventriloquism for the office talent show next month," he fibbed. The people watching them nodded and walked off. "Lead the way. The Doctor will follow you, since he's the only one who can see you," Jack whispered. "River... I mean... Hermione and I will follow him," he suggested.
Harry and Ginny hurried off down the hall, hand in hand. "This way," the Doctor stated and followed after his daughter and her boyfriend.
After a short elevator ride, they reached the dungeon level that housed the Department of Mysteries and the Wizengamot Chamber. The temperature down there was much cooler than the levels above. Hermione couldn't shake the feeling that something other than being deep underground was causing the chill she felt. They followed the underground corridors past several doors that lead to different parts of the Department of Mysteries. Eventually, they reached a long hallway with evenly spaced alcoves on either side. A heavy looking oak door sat at the end of the hall.
"That's the Wizengamot Chamber," Ginny whispered.
Jack grinned, his expression predatory. "Show time," he said happily. He was looking forward to repaying the horrible Umbridge woman for everything she had done to Harry and the other children who were brave enough to stand up to her.
The small group pushed open the door and walked into the chamber where Great Britain's parliament met. A middle age witch sat in a high backed, wood chair in the middle of the floor. Her terrified eyes darted back and forth from a pair of thuggish looking wizards sitting on the benches ringing the floor and a toad faced woman seated at an elevated chair overlooking the room. The woman glaring down at the prisoner was wearing a tacky pink robe with a white bow tied to the shoulder. The yellow locket they were looking for hung around her neck.
Dolores Umbridge stopped her line of questioning when she saw three people enter the chamber. Her lip curled back in a sneer as she looked down on them. "Uh-hem," she coughed. "This is a closed inquisition," she told them sternly.
Hermione stepped forward, hoping the Doctor and Jack would follow her lead. "I'm sorry, Ms. Umbridge, we don't mean to disturb you, but my name is... River Song," she stated. "I'm a writer for 'Cat Fantastical' magazine. I'm doing a story on powerful women and the cats that love them," she flat out lied. "When my editor gave me the assignment, I couldn't think of any but you to interview," she said, trying to swallow the bile that was threatening to rise into her mouth.
Umbridge patted her chest a few times as if mimicking a racing heartbeat. "Oh my, oh my indeed," she exclaimed. "This inquisition will be over soon and then we can chat," she told Hermione. Umbridge redirected her attention to the witch sitting in the prisoner's chair and held up a wand in her left hand. "Who did you steal this wand from?" she demanded.
"I didn't steal that wand. I bought it from Ollivander's right before my first year at Hogwarts," the young woman replied, shocked by the accusation.
Umbridge managed to look even more like a toad when she hunched her shoulders and leaned over the desk she was sitting at. "You're lying! Only wizards and witches can purchase wands from Ollivander's, and you are not a witch. Your mother was a Muggle!" she said, hatred and loathing dripping off every word.
The young woman on trial was about to reply again when Harry threw off his cloak. "You're the one lying, Dolores, and we must not tell lies!" he shouted sarcastically. He had his wand out and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!" Umbridge froze in place, her entire body taking on a grayish tint.
The two Death Eaters acting as body guards drew their wands in response to the attack. Jack was quicker on the draw and shot the Death Eater on the left right between the eyes with his sonic pistol, guaranteeing a massive headache when the man eventually woke up. Ginny had her wand already out and shouted, "Stupefy!" while aiming at the Death Eater on their right. That Death Eater was flung backwards and smashed through the benches, knocking him out cold.
Jack raced forward and stopped next to Umbridge's frozen body. "Can she hear me?" he asked Hermione. She nodded while she helped the witch who had been on trial out of the chair. Jack leaned forward and whispered into Umbridge's ear. "I just wanted to let you know that as an omni-sexual, I've had sex with over 40 different species, some of them pretty ugly by human standards," he told her. "Hell, I even had sex with a couple of Nazis during WWII, so it's safe to say I've screwed some losers," he added. "With that said, I want you to know that I would never, ever have sex with you, even if you were the last sentient in the universe," he promised. "I doubt even my old partner John would stoop so low as to have sex with you and he has a thing for poodles," he quipped.
With his right hand, Jack reached into his coat pocket and palmed a small, glass vial. He reached up behind Umbridge's neck, acting like he was having a hard time undoing the clasp on the locket. He moved his mouth even closer to her ear. "The Doctor is my best friend and I love him like a brother, but sometimes he just doesn't understand the best way to deal with certain situations," he whispered. "He made me promise not to kill you, even after he found out what a truly evil piece of crap you are," he snarled, his teeth bared. He snapped the vial between his fingers and let the oil extracted from a certain weevil's scent glands dribble down the back of her neck. "I'll do as he asks and not kill you myself," he told her. Jack undid the clasp of the locket and pulled it away from Umbridge. The last thing he whispered to her was, "Say hi to Janet for me."
Jack held up the locket so the others could see it. "One down," he said happily. He tossed the locket down to the Doctor, who caught it in midair.
As soon as the Doctor closed his hand around the locket, he felt a trap close around him. A Time bubble spread out across the room, freezing everyone in the space between seconds. He was startled to find that not only was he able to move about freely, but so was Harry.
"What's going on, Doctor?" Harry asked worriedly.
The clack of a cane on the polished marble floor kept the Doctor from replying as he turned to look at where the sound was coming from. A man with white hair combed back and dressed in an elegant black suit with a large, black bow tie strode into the room. His eyes were cold and merciless. "Don't bother answering him, I doubt his extremely limited human intelligence could comprehend even a fraction of the answer," he stated.
Harry looked over at the Doctor who was staring at shock at the rude, old man. "Who is he, Doctor?" he demanded.
The Doctor shook his head in astonishment before answering Harry. "That's me... before I regenerated for the first time," he said in disbelief.