Chapter Five:

I don't think I can do this…..

"Do what, Hermione?" Ron asked as they all packed up preparing to Apparate to Kings Cross Station.

Shit.

She had obviously gotten too comfortable with her thoughts and let it slip out. She thought of a quick excuse: "Oh, nothing… I'm just distraught it's our last first day of school."

Liar.

How was it that once a tiny little (well maybe not little) fib slipped out it was so easy to continue lying to friends she had trusted with anything and everything for years?

"Oh, right. Well I'm excited about it," Ron bought it "No more exams or studying or reading books I don't want to read…." He trailed off and shoved yet another unfolded set of robes into his trunk. "You don't want to read any books, mate," Harry pointed out and gave a soft chuckle as Ron playfully shoved him grinning as his ears turned pink. She hadn't seen the two of them smile all summer; not genuinely. She hadn't wanted to think about it and she had pushed it from her mind in those warm relaxing months but she had known for a while now: Everything had changed. They weren't kids anymore. They had really truly grown up and it had been damn near instantaneous. And if she had been honest with herself, she noticed that not only were they adults, but unhappy ones… Like the miserable people you hear about- the bitter individuals that are nostalgic about the good ol' days and can't stand the people they have become. Harry had killed someone. Sure, he had killed a very very bad man, but he had still been a man. Ron and Hermione had seen their dead best friend limp in the arms of Hagrid as Voldemort approached in the wee hours of the morning after a night of death and destruction. Ron lost a brother. Hermione fucked Malfoy. They were three strangers in a room who happened to have shared a past. These people surrounding her had always been "her people"; they were the ones she talked to when she couldn't talk to anyone else. Sure, the memories were the same but there was an obvious change in dynamic. They couldn't talk about what went on in their heads with each other. The feeling sunk in that she had to get to know her "people" again, and more than likely, she wasn't going to like who they had become… And they definitely weren't going to like the new scandalous, sneaky, lying Hermione. They might pretend to because, Merlin, they had been best friends for years. They had put enough time and effort into each others' friendship to try and try until one of two things happened: They slowly distanced themselves and their friendship faded, OR they had a huge falling out and hated each other.

Maybe those Horcruxes weren't just parts of Voldemort's soul. Maybe they had foreshadowed what the evil inside everyone can do to tear the innocence away. Maybe they had predicted what would happen when exposed to true evil: rip away all grips of reality and self assurance. And perhaps, when you feel your lowest- your most helpless- one realizes that evil can consume you and destroy everything good…. Even the strongest of friendships…..

She almost cried. Her thoughts horrified her. How could she even allow herself to think those things?! About gangly, charming Harry Potter?! About goofy, loyal Ron Weasley!? They will be friends forever- fighting the forces of evil until the bitter end. And with that obvious delusional thought Hermione Grangers' spirits rose. She was going back to Hogwarts with her two best friends at her side. Her and her boys against the world.

Well… and Ginny. Couldn't forget about Ginny. The younger girl almost dating Harry. Unfortunately, the poor girl was fighting a losing battle. Harry really did like her, but he had some serious issues to address before he could let anyone in again. She had been trying her best to help him cope but he was always distant and dismissive. He recognized she was trying, and it almost made him feel worse- he was losing another person to Voldemort. Maybe not the physical being of the late Tom Riddle, but his presence would forever ring in his memories… In his daily thoughts, on gravestones, in his nightmares, and even from time to time in his actions. Although they no longer had a psychic link to each other- the habitation of the Dark Lord had nestled soundly into Harry's identity. He had hoped it would go away. Hermione and Ginny had noticed it almost immediately, and hoped it would too. Ron was a bit slower on the uptake, as per usual, but it really hit him the hardest. He had already lost a brother- and now he was losing another, it seemed. Ginny had lost that same brother, but it would be several kinds of gross if she had imagined Harry- the boy she had kissed and the man she had fallen for- as a brother too. No, to him, she was a work in progress. She was hopeful he'd come round. Hermione wasn't so sure….

Well this is just a Hermione chapter….

As she ran at the pillar of Platform 93/4 she closed her eyes and waited for the smell. The wizarding world had a very different smell than the Muggle world. She missed it immediately as she left The Burrow and appeared in the woman's bathroom at Kings Cross. She had noticed it in years previous but had never been able to pinpoint what the hell it was. She knew this year- she knew a great deal more things this year… It hadn't smelled fresh like a newly cut lawn, or smoggy like the Muggle London, or of mint like her parents' house…

My parents….. she choked a sudden sob down.

She couldn't have forgotten about them… but the danger still lurked- for a few more years. Until all the Death Eaters were caught she couldn't risk it. But, Merlins Beard she missed them…

No… the wizarding world smelled of an old musk- like perhaps an brand new leather journal- but with a hint of sweet and a touch of bitter… Like your grandmothers house after a soft drizzle when a fresh bouquet of flowers adorned the kitchen table and sweet cinnamon muffins were baking in the oven. The muffins were almost enough to cover the smell of those damn mothballs but not quite- and it was right. Even with the smell of the magical train, even with the scent of owl shit and even with the lingering smell of the Muggle world- she had once again felt like she belonged. She mattered. She was…. She was home.

The gleam caught her eye; the bright hair amongst the smoke of train (which didn't need to burn coal to run so why the hell was there smoke to begin with?) and the chaos of the goodbyes and well-wishes. It was him: the very person her mind avoided picturing for a very long while now. As soon as she saw that hair and those silver eyes…

Thank god he hasn't seen me.

… the image of that ashen hair unsettled above his eyes paired with that penetrating gaze as he was intimate with her flashed in her memory. She blushed, hoping her obvious recognition of the biggest mistake of her life was noticed by no one… His hair was now perfectly slicked back. His eyes happy, as he joked and laughed with his friends and his arm around…. his girlfriend Pansy's shoulder…. but his eyes were sunken. His laugh- which she couldn't hear over the commotion and locomotion- was obviously hollow. His eyes wandered across the crowd and with a sudden intake of breath she froze, unable to react to his circling gaze.

Is he actually looking for me?

She questioned in no more when their eyes met. If she was frozen before, that eye contact had completely turned to stone. She wasn't sure of her expression but she could only guess it had been one of shock. His eyes softened instantaneously as he held her inspecting her emotions. It was certainly there- a misplaced but ever present trust in the Slytherin. And he knew it. He matched her on-looking with the same shift from vacant to intrigue as she obviously gave him.

Why else would he looked at me in such a way? she questioned Sure, he's great at mimicking expression but he couldnt be that good…. Or could he?

Her thoughts of his opinion of her came to a halt as his eyes transformed into a glare.

How long had I been staring at him? she wondered It felt like ages and yet….

Again, her thoughts were interrupted by Ginny tugging at her arm. It was time to board the train. The final whistles were blowing. As she made her way to an open compartment with her comrades she felt a hand graze her bum. She turned, livid. Her eyes were met by Draco's' and her fervor for the man increased. "What the hell?! Don't touch me you cretinous prat!" she spat hatefully. Harry and Ron were immediately at either shoulder, wands drawn, ready to say their favorable curse. Ron's was "Flipendo" which knocks the unfortunate recipient backwards, hard. Harry's was the ever obvious "Stupify" which stunned your enemy. Hermione's favorite curse was a bit different; it was "Confrigno!" which caused the target to burst into flames. She really had always loved fire. Her wand wasn't pointed at him but she felt the indentations, after years of wear and tear, digging into her clenched fist.

"Calm the fuck down, Granger." He sneered, "It was an accident…." His wand was also tight in his grip, but not drawn. His absolute favorite spell was "Expulso" which made things- and people he had found out from watching Goyle attack a Ministry member not on the Dark Lord's side not even six months ago… explode.

"Fine," she ultimately thought it was best to let it go… "Really though, nice ass," he egged her boys on. They bought into it. Immediately Ron lunged and Harry pulled his wand back to attack. Hermione grabbed Ron and Ginny grabbed Harry's arm. Pansy grabbed Draco's arm hastily, turned him around and led him away, but not before muttering a barely audible, "sorry…" in her direction.

The Gryffindors made their way to an open compartment and sat in utter silence for the whole trip. Except Ginny, she talked the whole time. Literally talked about things so unimportant that the rest of the group tuned her out.

Hermione sat in contemplation at the things that had just transpired and pondered just what the hell it fucking meant… And what would it mean for the oncoming year?