Camp Cretaceous: What Do We Do Now?

by Ecaetheerein

We thought it'd be fun… We thought we'd be safe… But we didn't realize the horror waiting for us on the island. Claws, teeth, screaming… so much screaming. But despite the challenges, we survived the night. Well... some of us. And now that we've been left on the island, we're faced with the challenge of surviving until help arrives... If it arrives...

58. Ep58 Love Is Gone

Author's note:

Cut it a little close here. I stayed up late last night binge writing the last little bit, lol. But I made it just in time to let y'all read it. I'm not sure when exactly the next chapter will come out... Haven't even started it yet... I shall update the outro note with the next posting date. Hopefully it will be a month from now.

The last chapter, specifically Ben and Sammy's conversation was drawn from a lesson from the Bible College I'm attending. I was listening to it the very moment my Mom came to me and told me my Grandmother was dying... The lesson was about how God does not cause our suffering and that it is not God's fault when our loved ones die. So Sammy's position in that part of the last chapter was very real to me.

As for this chapter... Kenji's reaction to Brooklynn in the hospital was inspired by my reaction to losing my Grandmother... There might be more of this chapter inspired by my own personal experiences...

This chapter is inspired by the song Love Is Gone by Dylan Matthew and SLANDER.

WARNINGS: Sexual assault, rape, everything Brooklynn went through. Still no name for the guy (at least, in this chapter. I did mention his name somewhere else in the story. Brooklynn spoke of him once), but we do find out where and who he was to her... Immense guilt and self-blame. Read at your own risk as usual.

Enjoy!

---

"That was awkward…" Kenji murmurs to himself, sullenly sitting on his bed in the airbnb. The room felt foreign and gloomy. It would be nice when the house was finished being built… He was looking forward to finally having a personal space to go to when his father was away at work late at night. A private place to go to while his father abandoned him… Odd that he considered being alone without his father in this airbnb "not private"... No one was around… Still, it would be nice to have a place to call home when his father was at work all night long…

"At work… again… As always…" he flops back. Mr. Kon was working late… again. He wished he wouldn't… He wanted someone to talk to about his troubles… An adult he could trust… An adult he could trust who wasn't religious and/or related to Sammy.

… So he really had no one, then…

The party had been awkward at times. Every time Kenji and Sammy met eyes, his heart sank to further depths. The pain came back. The words that were said. The feelings that came after the words… Even when he wasn't looking at her, he could sense her. There was this… tension… between them now… A feeling of uncertainty and pain… He really didn't know how they'd fix everything… And he hated it. For himself. For her. For their friends who were suffering through it with them, even though it wasn't their relationship and it wasn't their breakup and they shouldn't be so affected by it… If the two of them couldn't get along… If they couldn't even be in the same room together… How would that affect the group? How would they stay friends? One or both would have to pull away from each other… Slowly stop seeing the rest of the group because they were always hanging out with the other…

Blinking back tears, he flops back. The first friend who'd be affected that came to mind was Yasmina. This wasn't the first time she lost friends over romance… If Kenji and/or Sammy broke away from the friend group, what would that do to her? Would she ever open up again? And how about Brooklynn? The poor girl was already hanging on for dear life as it was. If the two left, would that drive her over the edge? And how would it affect Darius? He took on problems the group went through and blamed himself.

How would life be? All six families moved closer together. How would Kenji escape seeing Sammy should they refuse to be friends again? And how would the families fair? Sammy's younger sisters absolutely adored him… They were like the little sisters he had never had… It hurt to think about ignoring and leaving them… Her parents had become like parents to him… Her family had become a second family… For once, it felt like he had a home where he was safe and welcomed and loved…

He hated her. He hated Sammy for doing this…

Just about shouting, he turns over and repeatedly punches his pillow, before slumping down in defeat. He hated her for doing this to him… doing this to everyone else… But he loved her… He loved her so much at the same time… He wanted to yell at her for the pain she caused him and others around them… But he knew how much that would hurt her… He wanted to curse her for making him fall in love with her… But she didn't have any more control over that than he did…

His phone buzzes and he ignores it for a few minutes. It buzzes again and he finds texts from Sammy. "Hey, do you want to talk? I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I don't want this to tear us apart. I'm willing to give you space, but I want you to know that I still love you. You're still my best friend."

He shuts his eyes tightly, anger and hurt surging. "No, I don't want to talk! You threw away everything! This hurts! How could you do this to your best friend?!"

"I didn't mean to hurt you. It hurts me too. I didn't really want to do this." She texts again.

"Then why did you…" he angrily whispers, so done with all of her crazy religious reasons and ridiculous excuses. Refraining from verbally vomiting on her, he texts back: "Just stop. I don't want to talk right now."

He wanted her back. He wanted everything to be as it used to be. He wanted to talk things out… But she wasn't going to change her mind. He was still rejected… He was still smarting… He still worried that he'd hurt her…

What was he saying… That ship had sailed… Why else did she break up with him? He had hurt her… Yeah, she had a part in this with her stupid religious reasons… But he wasn't absolved from the blame… He had hurt her, plain and simple… Why did he think he could change…

"No, I don't want to talk right now… Enough's been said," he thinks, muting his phone. He didn't want to talk to her… Not for a good long while… He was tired of feeling like the victim and the villain at the same time… He couldn't figure out who he was… A part of him—the wounded part—felt that Sammy was completely in the wrong. She knew fully well that he wasn't Christian. If it was such a big deal as she made it out to be, why did she become so entangled with him? She had toyed with his emotions… She had been his best friend… He hadn't ever opened up to someone like that… Not before the island… And it stung. It hurt so bad…

But the other side—the self-hating side—completely blamed himself. He was a fool. He could never change his ways… He would never be good enough for her. Why was he so torn up over this? Why did he hate Sammy for what she did? He had told everyone that he would do anything to protect her, even if that meant harming himself…

… He didn't think that this would be it… He had been willing to die… He might even be willing to watch her fall in love with another guy… He might even be willing to leave her side and never see her again if that was what it took to give her the best life…

It somehow hurt too much to be rejected based on religion… Narcissism? He would fully accept that as a reason for her to leave. His girlfriend count? Definitely. He could accept that, given how pure she was… Her own insecurities? He completely understood… But religion? That was what drove them apart? After everything they had been through? It almost felt petty compared to the other reasons he could think of…

Maybe he was being delusional about this…

"I feel like I have to prove myself and perform to keep you from leaving…" Sammy's words return painfully.

"You know exactly why she broke up with you," guilt condemns. "Religion was an excuse. Something else to blame so that she didn't have to put it solely on you. She doesn't want to hurt me… She used her religion as an excuse to break us apart without outright telling me I'm toxic… She's going to keep insisting it's that rather than admit I'm a horrible person… She's never going to fully reject me because her heart's too big… It's always going to be some other excuse…"

Shaking under his bed covers, he cries. "Now would be a good time to come back, Dad," he whimpers in his head. He glances at the clock. It was a little past eleven… He was definitely going to spend the night alone.

As he settles down, a sense of dread and anxiety sets in. It was like his stomach was knotted together and churning at the same time. He couldn't get this feeling out of his heart. This feeling that… that… Kenji couldn't place it.

"How is Brooklynn dealing?" a thought comes.

She was already struggling as it was… He wondered how she was taking the breakup. Surely it was stressing her out… Kenji wouldn't know… He had been too focused on his own pain to notice anyone else besides him and Sammy…

"Selfish… As always…"

"Maybe I should check on her…"

"This breakup will destroy her, and the rest of the friend group… Of course I'm the one who breaks us apart…"

"Maybe I should check on Brook."

"My friendship with Sammy has to be saved, for her sake… And for the others… But I can't fake it… There's nothing I can do to truly appease her… I don't know if we can be friends again without me falling for her… This is why you never had friends, Kenji…"

"What about Brooklynn?"

Pushing away the feeling, he decides he'll have to talk to Sammy the next day. Even if they'd never date, he had to salvage some form of friendship… For the others… For Brooklynn… He'd talk to her tomorrow. Sammy wouldn't have her phone on her at this time in the night. He'd talk the next day…

The anxiety wouldn't go away… He was still worried for Brooklynn… He couldn't figure out why… No one seemed to think she was in crazy danger… At least, they hadn't said anything to him if they did… She was safe, right? Darius and Yasmina would be going mental if there was the slightest chance that Brooklynn was unwell or in danger. Heck, they'd be reacting even if she wasn't in danger… So why was he so anxious about her… She wasn't allowed to be left alone… She was safe… Why was he worried…

A part of Kenji really began to worry that he and Sammy had damaged any improvement Brooklynn had made… And that was why he vowed to fix things with Sammy. For Brooklynn's sake…

Still didn't make the anxiety go away… Why was he anxious? What was going on? He had had feelings like this before… His fears turned out to be sound in some way… Like the time he prayed for Lydia and she turned out to be in the hands of InGen…

"Nope, not praying tonight," he decides, shutting that idea down. "We'll deal with this problem in a rational, logical way. Tomorrow. After you've had a good night's sleep and time to think about your approach to the situation."

The anxiety disappears as he firmly decides this. It was almost twelve… He needed to sleep, anyway… He could solve this in the morning.

After tossing and turning for over an hour, Kenji still can't fall asleep. It was wearing down on him greatly. "Ugh, Dad," he grumbles, picking up his muted phone. "Please come home… Maybe you can actually be a father and help me out…"

Maybe having someone else in the room would let him sleep. Maybe he could talk to his father. Anything other than what he was trying now…

Nothing from his father other than a "I'll be pulling an all-nighter."

"Typical," Kenji rolls his eyes.

His stomach churning, he checks his other texts. Nothing from Sammy, which gave him a bit of relief.

A lot from Darius… "Has Brooklynn said anything to you after the party? Can you get in contact with her? Kenji, can you contact her?"

"Why?" he whispers, deciding to quickly check Ben's text before making any attempt at contacting Brooklynn. "What's going on…?"

Ben's text said it all. "Brooklynn tried to kill herself after the party. She's in the hospital. We're heading there now. I'll send you the address."

Kenji stares at his phone. What? Brooklynn what? Tried to kill herself? Brooklynn tried to kill herself?

The words weren't fully registering in his mind yet… They were floating around, pinging back in forth around his skull, but they had yet to sink in…

His phone rings and he answers automatically. "Hello?"

"Kenji, hey, um," his father answers.

"Dad," he breathes out slowly.

"Ha… Have you heard about?" his father awkwardly asks.

"B-Brooklynn?" Kenji stutters.

"Yeah, Kenji… She tried to commit suicide," Mr. Kon confirms reluctantly. "She's in Nolan Med right now, I-I got a call from Grace. It's… It's not looking good."

He felt numb… "What happened?" he asks.

"I don't know," his father says. "You're twenty minutes away from the hospital. I'm thirty minutes away. You have a car now. Do you want me to pick you up or head over there now?"

"You can pick me up," Kenji answers, still trying to process everything.

"Okay… Are you sure? I'm ten minutes away from you. It would be faster for you to drive yourself. If… If she… passes… and you weren't there… Are you going to be okay with that?"

The reality that he could drive himself dawns on Kenji, and he quickly takes his words back. "No! I'm going to drive myself there. I… I'm heading over there now."

"Do you need the address?" his father asks.

"Ben sent it to me already," Kenji says, searching for the first pair of pants he could find as he talked to his father.

"Okay, I'm on my way. See you there," his father says, hanging up.

"Brooklynn tried to kill herself…" he repeats over and over again as he leaves the hotel and gets in his car. It wasn't real… It couldn't be real… His heart was racing… He was worried… Maybe a bit upset… But he was more worried about if he'd get there in time…

"If she passes and you weren't there, are you going to be okay with that?" his father's words come back.

Putting in the address Ben gave him, he drives off. "Are you going to be okay with that?"

He remembers the last time he saw her… It was a little before nine o'clock that night that he drove her and Milton back to their house… She had been out of it… In a trance… Milton and Kenji had tried to tease her about the truth or dare game… Tried to make her blush after kissing Darius… She hadn't said a word to them… Merely looked out the window with a dreamy look… Maybe it wasn't a dreamy look… Maybe that had been the last straw… The kissing dare…

Kenji's dare…

"Brooklynn tried to kill herself…" he thinks again. "Why did I mute my phone?"

That's when it started to hit… That's when those words started to become a reality… When those fears became a reality…

Brooklynn tried to kill herself.

Brooklynn was in the hospital right now… because she tried to kill herself.

He had no idea what state she was in…

Was she alive? Dead? Dying?

He could lose Brooklynn right now… Right there… He could never see her again… Ever… The party could very well be the last time he had ever seen her…

They were back on the island, taking inventory of their stock. "I want shrimp," Kenji said.

Brooklynn laughed, nodding her head with a proud smirk. "Lobster tails aren't meant to be here."

"Is that what it's like living with me constantly saying random things? I like it!" he laughed.

"Yeah, except it's not always fun," she rolled her eyes, a bit fed up with his antics.

"That implies that you do enjoy some of it," he stupidly grinned.

Brooklynn shook her head, rolling her eyes far back enough to see her brain. But behind her annoyed look, there was an amused grin. She was entertained, even though she wouldn't admit it.

"If she passes and you weren't there…"

And he hadn't even said a real goodbye to her… She could die not knowing how much she meant to him. He'd never have given her a proper goodbye… He hadn't even given her a goodbye at all… He might have seen Brooklynn for the last time in his life… And he hadn't even said goodbye…

It was Christmas day on the island. "Voila!" Kenji dramatically points to the small movie theater in the condo. Brooklynn had mentioned in passing that her favorite Christmas tradition was watching the Chronicles of Narnia after opening presents. Thank goodness said movie was on DVD in the condos.

Brooklynn gasped, her green eyes lighting up with surprise and happy disbelief.

"You said your favorite tradition was to watch the Chronicles of Narnia," Kenji explained. "And argue with your brother because he's so tired of it."

A grateful smile burst across her face and she nodded.

"Well we're not watching it," Kenji pretended to be grouchy, really working to keep his grin under control. There was something about making her happy that made it hard for him not to smile. "Because I hate it. You watch it too much."

Brooklynn laughed and semi-gently shoved him away in good fun.

The memories hurt… She had been so happy then… So sweet… So full of life…

Right?

All those memories could be just that… Memories… Brooklynn could become a memory… He could've seen her for the last time… And he never said goodbye…

"Are you going to be okay with that?"

The last two thoughts break through the numbness. He could very well lose Brooklynn… He hadn't even said goodbye to her…

The thought finally brought him to tears. Reality hit as he drove to the hospital. Brooklynn was dying. She might actually be dead. His friend… His little sister… Could be gone in the blink of an eye.

What if she was dying right now? What if she passed as he was driving to the hospital? What if he could've made it sooner?

… What if he could've helped…

He looks at the clock. 1:30. "I have to get ready for school at six," he thinks. "I have school in the morning."

"F***ING FORGET SCHOOL!" he yells at himself internally. Why was that even a thought?! Why did he care about school?! He could miss a day! He would miss a day! Brooklynn was dying! Forget school!

"She's dying… Oh, God, am I too late?" he worries.

A rather upbeat song plays in the back of his head… making him even more distressed. His friend was dying and his mind had the nerve to think about music? About school? Brooklynn was in the hospital because of suicide! He was barely crying! What was wrong with him?!

"Emergency, emergency," the song quips, almost taunting him on the way there.

At a quarter to two o'clock, Kenji whips into the hospital parking lot and runs to the emergency room desk. "I-I'm here to see my friend!" he tells them, out of breath, tears welling up.

"What's her name?" the old man behind the desk asks.

"B-Brooklynn," he says. "Brooklynn Monell."

He waits in agony as the guy searches for her name in the database. A pang of fear shoots through him as the lady next to him starts to show her coworker a shortcut to finding the name. "My friend is dying! Let me see her!" he wants to scream at them. He was getting antsy at the thought. Precious seconds were passing by. He had to see her!

"Okay, she's in room 25," the man informs him. "Just step through those doors right there, and the nurse at the desk in there will direct you to her room."

Kenji nods and heads through the doors. He looks around for the desk he was talking about, and finds Darius's mother instead. Various members of their group were there, but Kenji focused on Darius, whose back was turned.

"What happened?" he asks, his voice cracking as he approaches the group quickly.

Darius turns around and stares at him for a few seconds, as if numb and frozen. Then everything in the kid's world seemed to crash around him. His whole world had been shaken and torn apart and he throws himself at Kenji. As if his life had left him, Darius's legs collapse beneath him.

Taken by surprise, Kenji wraps his arms around his friend hurriedly, trying to support him. "D-Darius," he breathes, scrambling to support his friend.

Darius weakly wraps his arms around Kenji, sobbing into his chest. His legs had almost completely given up.

Kenji was at a loss for what to do. He didn't think he had ever seen Darius break down like this. Not since the island… Darius was his leader… The young boy was strong. So strong… He didn't do this… He didn't cry. He didn't break down. He didn't cling to others for help. He couldn't… Darius struggled with it…

But this? This weeping? This collapsing into Kenji's arms? This absolutely destroyed child in need of comfort… in need of someone to hold him as his world crashed around him…

His world had crashed around him… Brooklynn… Was she dead? Why else would Darius be so crushed?

Brooklynn had died, hadn't she?

"She's gone," Kenji thinks, slowly sinking to the ground with Darius. "We lost her… We actually lost her…"

Pulling his friend into a stronger hug, he begins to weep with Darius, mourning Brooklynn… How… How could they have lost her?! How could she be gone?! How could he possibly believe she was gone?! She wasn't supposed to go! How could she lose this fight…

"What happened?" he sobs, looking up at the group. Mrs. Bowman was in front of him, rubbing Darius's back. Brandon was behind him, trying to comfort Kenji.

Mrs. Bowman was holding back tears herself. "She… Darius and Yasmina found her in her room. She had overdosed… The doctors tried to induce a coma to save her. She's… stable… for now."

Kenji exhales softly. Brooklynn wasn't dead… She wasn't dead… There was still a chance to save her… She was just in a coma… Not dead… Not gone…

A small weight was lifted from his chest hearing that. Relief relieved his heart of the grief that had taken hold in him. She wasn't gone. There was still a chance… It wasn't too late…

"Can the doctors bring her back?" he asks.

Mrs. Bowman hesitates. "They're… trying…"

The relief was short-lived. Brooklynn wasn't dead yet… But she was still close. She was on death's door. The battle wasn't over. They hadn't saved her yet… Just pulled her far enough from death's door to take a breath… But she was still in danger…

Pulling Darius in again, he buries his face in his friend's shoulder, knowing it would be a long night.

---

"Darius, let's head back to the car," his mother says, wiping her nose on her sleeve.

"No," he says, breathy. "I have to see her…"

"Darius," Mrs. Bowman whispers. "Please… She might not be ready for visitors… Let's try to rest in the car."

"I'll try to check on her," Kenji immediately offers, rubbing his friend's back.

Darius shudders and pulls back. Kenji looks his friend up and down. For a second they were back on the island; Darius's white shirt had dried blood smeared down the whole front. No… They were in the hospital and it wasn't blood. But it didn't smell good… Kenji couldn't figure out what the stains on his friends shirt were… But he wasn't about to ask.

"Brandon, take Darius out to the parking lot," his mother says. "Ben, Yasmina and their families are out there. Are you sure you want to try to see her, Kenji?"

He nods. He would do it for Darius's sake… And… he wanted to… if he had to… say goodbye.

"Okay… I'll walk you there," Mrs. Bowman exhales shakily.

The four part ways and Darius's mother shows Kenji to Brooklynn's room. "What was on his shirt?" Kenji quietly asks.

"She… overdosed," Darius's mother hesitates. "There… There would've been a lot of vomit on the scene…"

"Oh…" Kenji breathes. No wonder Darius was a wreck… Brooklynn's vomit on his shirt? What had been the state of his friend when he found Brooklynn? Did she throw up on him? Did he have to carry her to the hospital? Did he ride with her in the ambulance? Did he watch her writhe in pain? Convulse with seizures? Aspirate on her own vomit? What had happened? How close did the Grim Reaper come? What state would she be in? What state would Kenji find her in?

The image of Brooklynn, deathly pale and covered in vomit flashes before his eyes. Suddenly feeling fear, he stops at the door, scared to see her. Scared of what she'd be like… If she was alive or not… What he would say… How… How should he react? Should he say goodbye? Hold off and believe she'd get better? Would he regret not saying goodbye? Would he regret doing so? How would he say goodbye…

"You don't have to see her if you're not ready," Mrs. Bowman touches his shoulder gently.

"I want to…" he whispers. He wanted to see her… He needed to see her. He had begun to grow numb… Some moments, it didn't feel real… Like it was all a bad dream and he would wake up and she would be there… Like she was a mere story in the paper… A mere character in a show who was dying… Except he'd have more of a reaction if that were the case… He'd cry more over a fictional character than he was over Brooklynn right now…

He wanted to see her… He wanted it to set in… It had to set in…

But he didn't want it to be real, either…

Slowly opening the door, Kenji glances into the room. Brooklynn's limp figure was laying on the bed. Several monitors were hooked up to her, each showing some sign of life… At least… a sign that it wasn't too late…

Making his way tentatively over to her, Kenji leans down over the bed. Her face was discolored and pale… The fair, pink tone she usually had was gone… Instead, a sickly pale, yellow color had set in. Her lips were discolored. Not blue, but not that healthy pink tone, either… Her face showed no signs of life. No movement. Nothing. She was completely limp and lifeless… He glances at the monitors, checking to see if she was still alive. She looked dead already…

His breath shudders uncontrollably as he starts crying. No… This couldn't be Brooklynn! Not her! She couldn't be lying in the hospital on death's door! They had fought too hard for her! She had survived so much! She had survived too much to give up…

Body shaking, he turns from the sight of his sister and accepts Mrs. Bowman's hug. "This can't be real…" he whispers, wishing this was all a nightmare.

"Let's go back outside," she suggests softly.

"Why did she do it?" Kenji sniffs, glancing back at her. "What did she do to deserve this…"

"Kenji, come on," Mrs. Bowman says, guiding him away from Brooklynn.

"Was it my fault?" guilt strikes home, piercing his already broken heart.

Mrs. Bowman leads him out of the room and back out of the hospital. He stares numbly at the ground, disassociating as they walk. This couldn't be real…

But it was… The fact was that Brooklynn had tried to end her life only a couple hours ago. The question was why… She had been suicidal… But what pushed her over the edge? What finally made life not worth living? She had been doing better…

The only change in things that Kenji could think of was him and Sammy…

"It's my fault…" guilt blames.

"Kenji?"

He looks up to find Ben blinking at him. "Did you get to see her?" he asks.

Kenji bites his lip, trying not to break down crying. "Yeah…" he gets out. "She… she looks dead already," he whispers.

A despondent look starts to set in, but Ben clenches his teeth and straightens up. "Um… Let's keep that between us," he whispers, shaking a bit as he turns to look behind him.

Kenji follows his gaze to find Yasmina sitting down next to a car, Ghaleb and her mother surrounding her. Darius looked peachy compared to her…

"She's losing it because of this…" Kenji murmurs, observing the glazed over look in her eyes.

"Her and Darius found Brooklynn," Ben mumbles, tight-lipped.

Kenji inhales shakily and looks up, blinking rapidly. That's right… Mrs. Bowman had said it was Darius and Yasmina who found her… No wonder she was so distraught…

"Haven't… seen her yet?" Kenji asks.

Ben shakes his head. "No… We arrived and found Yaz first…"

Kenji looks Ben over. The boy was trembling. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets and his shoulders were drawn together. But amidst the distraught, hopeless look on his face was determination. Besides Brooklynn, Darius and Yasmina had endured the worst of the night. Neither one was handling it well—for good reason. Ben wasn't about to break down and cry anytime soon. No, he was holding it together for the others. Being the rock when they needed one…

Like Sammy…

Kenji sucks in his breath and tries to pull it together. Ben would most likely try to take on Yasmina first. The athlete was looking a little worse for wear… Darius needed help, but Yasmina looked the most traumatized. Ben wouldn't be able to take on both of them… And since Sammy wasn't here, Kenji would have to step up for Darius if he needed while Ben tended to Yasmina. He had already done so by holding him in the hospital… He'd have to do it again.

Speaking of Sammy…

"Has anyone gotten ahold of the Gutierrez's?" he asks.

Ben shakes his head. "Sam and her sisters don't keep devices with them at night and their parents aren't answering. Something might be up the their phones…"

Kenji sighs and sends Sammy a simple text conveying all that had happened. "Brooklynn tried to kill herself last night."

"She'll come as soon as she can," Ben murmurs, giving a halfhearted smile. "We all did…"

"Let's try to get some sleep," Mrs. Bowman suggests. "We'll let you guys know if there's any new developments."

The teens pile into Ghaleb's car and try to sleep, first laying down towels over the seats in the back. Ghaleb sat in the front seat while Brandon and Milton uncomfortably shared the passengers seat. Kenji sat on the left side of the car, leaning against the window. Darius sat next to him, then Ben, then Yasmina on the other side of the car. It was a bit cramped and uncomfortable to try to sleep sitting up, but they were used to worse…

Leaning his head against the window, Kenji glances over at his friends. Darius was leaning back between the left and middle headrests. He looked utterly exhausted; laying there limp in the car as if his soul had left him. Ben was leaning forward in the seat, arms on his knees. His expression was exhausted and thoughtful. "How are we going to get through this?" his face seemed to say. Yasmina was next to him, mirroring Kenji's position. She almost looked dead herself, staring with deadened eyes into nothing. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face showed too many signs of crying.

Kenji shifts to stare blankly out the window. It was well into the night and pitch black, save for the street and hospital lights. None of this felt real…

Letting his heavy eyelids droop, he falls into a shallow sleep…

"Where's Brooklynn?" Kenji asks.

"She's in the barn," Mr. Gutierrez says, his voice disembodied.

Kenji is transported to the barn to find Brooklynn hanging from a long rope. A noose around her neck, her head hung off to the side, eyes glazed over. Her mouth hung open, as if a reminder of her last moments choking. A bale of hay laid inches behind her slowly swinging feet.

Kenji wakes up, breath quickening. The image was burned in his mind…

Another dream follows as he drifts off again. He was in colonial days, fighting against a raging crowd. "Burn her! Hang her!" the crowd roared.

"No! She's innocent! Stop!" Kenji protested, fighting to get to the center of attention.

Brooklynn stood tied upon a stage, being led to the edge of the raised platform. A man beside her began to tie a rope around her neck.

"No, no, no! Let her go! She's innocent!" Kenji continued to shout desperately.

"She's a witch!" the crowd drowned him out. "Burn her! Hang her!"

"No, she's not!" he cries out, screaming for Brooklynn as they hang her, setting her alight as she choked.

Muffled sobs penetrate his ears but Kenji isn't sure if he's still in dreamland or if he was awake. Drifting off again, he's plagued by another dream. "Let her go!" he cries out, struggling against the crowd. "She's innocent!"

Upon the stage, Brooklynn stood, hands bound behind her back. A man was tying a noose around her neck.

Another man held up a sheet of paper and began to list the crimes for which Brooklynn was being hung. "Selfishness. Caring only about himself. Hurting his friends. Not good enough."

"That's not her! That's not her! That's me!" he shouts, trying to get their attention.

With a scream, Brooklynn is shoved off the stage, swinging by her neck.

Kenji wakes up again with her gargled, choking sound playing in his mind. He couldn't unsee her being hung… He knew she had overdosed… It was an overdose… It was self inflicted… No one did it to her…

Still… the dream unnerved him… He couldn't shake that last dream… The list of crimes she was convicted of…

They were his…

"What if it's my fault…" guilt asks.

The car door opening wakes him up again and Milton slides back into the front seat. "Where were you?" Ghaleb asks groggily.

"Talking to the police…" Milton mumbles.

"Why?" Brandon grunts as he shifts to make room again.

"Don't want to talk about it…" Brooklynn's brother mumbles, his voice wavering with emotion.

"She was suicidal anyway… This can't be YOUR fault…" Kenji reasons with himself. "This can't be Kenji's doing…"

Still, he couldn't shake the feeling. This was all too coincidental with his breakup with Sammy… Even if they weren't the reason she was pushed over the edge… He still wasn't paying attention to Brooklynn… And neither was Sammy… That was two less set of eyes on Brooklynn…

Kenji curls in against the window, silently crying at the thought that he might have given her the chance to end her life… That it might be his fault that Brooklynn was in a coma… half dead… With a high chance of never waking up…

Plagued by shallow sleep and nightmares of Brooklynn hanging herself or being hung by other people, Kenji suffers through the next three and a half hours. In a tormenting state in between traumatized alertness and exhausted sleepiness, he's woken up by the sound of knocking on the other car door. Barely opening his eyes, he listens as Ben, Yasmina, and Darius move out of the backseat.

"What happened?" Sammy asks, her voice feeling like salt in a wound. "Is she going to make it? Why'd she do it? How is she? What did she—"

"Sammy," Ben interrupts.

Kenji closes his eyes again, trying to block everything out. Could it be… Could it be that they were the reason Brooklynn was here in the hospital? Had Sammy not broken up with him, would she be fine? Had Kenji just been a better person…

Well… He was sure that would fix a whole lot more…

"Why was she alone?" Sammy asks. "She… She's not supposed to be left alone…"

Darius harshly laughs. "Her parents were out… Milton left her…"

"That's why the police were talking to him…" Kenji thinks. A part of him wanted to be angry at Milton… the other part of him was too tired to care… Feeling too much guilt to condemn Milton… It might not even be his fault anyway… Maybe it was Kenji's…

"She'll get better," he hears Sammy say. "She'll make it. It's going to be okay."

"No it's not," Kenji squeezes his eyes shut. Brooklynn had just overdosed. Even if she lived, what would that do to her? How much damage did the drugs do to her body? Even if she pulled through, would she ever be the same again? Would there be brain damage? Liver damage? Would she be disabled? Physically or mentally?

And that was just what the drugs would do to her… That's not even including her mental state… If Brooklynn woke up and recovered, would she be fine? Or would she wait a couple months and try it all over again? Would she recover, pretend to be fine, and then attempt a different technique? Would they walk in to find her with a bullet in her head? Drowned in the tub? Wrists or neck slit? Hung in her closest? Would she try to run away? Would she go missing and her body turn up on a highway or in a lake or…

Heart aching at the thought, he checks his messages… All the messages he missed… All the messages that had he received, maybe things could be different… It only made him blame himself even more…

"Why?" Darius catches his attention. "What happened… What made her give up… What made her feel this way to begin with…"

"I've got an idea…" Kenji thinks. Even if he didn't cause it… Him and Sammy didn't help…

A news notification pops up on his phone, bearing Brooklynn's name. "Did the news already get word of her suicide?" he wonders, clicking on it.

"Shocking footage of the Jurassic World survivor and social media personality, Brooklynn Monell, has blown up over night."

Immediately, it clicked. "Shocking footage… This… This is the difference… This is what made her do it… Whatever it is… This is what pushed her overboard…"

He follows the Youtube link, and checks the comments first. It couldn't have been posted that long ago… But it was already blowing up. Who could have posted it? How would it blow up this fast? This was a completely random name, where did they even get the video? What even was the video?

"Leah," Yasmina says.

"I don't think it was Leah…" Ben mumbles. "At least… not all of her…"

"Leah posted the video," it dawns on him. "Or got someone else to post it. Or found it by chance and used her influence to make it blow up."

Scrolling through the comments… It was bad… Very bad… "Oh this is bad…" he breathes.

"I think I found it," he says, moving towards the open car door.

"Found what?" Darius asks, moving out of the way for him.

"What could have possibly pushed Brooklynn over the edge," he says, trying to keep it together. "Cause you won't accept me for an answer."

Yasmina's head perked up, looking at him expectantly… with a little bit of insanity behind those eyes.

"There's a video going around. The title gives me nothing, but judging by the comments…" he wavers. "It's bad."

Ben and Sammy chime together. "Bad how?" "What are the comments?"

"How do I put this lightly…" he winces. The comments easily hinted at what the content was… And if the hints were correct… This was the highest form of embarrassment for Brooklynn… And potentially investigating-inducing… "Half the comments are enjoying… the video… The other half are outraged and reminding everyone that Brooklynn's a minor," he sighs.

He had a wide range of reactions. "What?" Sammy's brows scrunch up in confusion.

"What are you saying?" Darius shakes his head in denial.

Yasmina's eyes widen with shock and horror. She immediately understood… Ben narrowed his brows in thought.

"From the looks of the comments… It's a sextape… including Brooklynn," he further explains, wishing those words weren't coming out of his mouth.

"Huh…" Ben says quietly, that analytical part of his brain turning.

"Wait…" Darius shakes his head. "You can't be serious."

"Brooklynn? In…" Sammy hesitates to say the word. "In a porn video?"

Kenji throws his arms out, feeling attacked. It wasn't his idea to begin with! "That's what it looks like!"

Yasmina's mouth hung open. "Brooklynn? Making that kind of content?"

"You don't think she would?" he asks, then backpedals, realizing how bad that came out. "Look, she was already in a questionable arena… Fighting to get views… I'm not… I don't want to think she'd go there, but you do know she was under immense pressure to do anything for views…"

"It's not too hard to believe that she was around questionable company and got pressured into filming something she regrets…"

"Brooklynn wouldn't do that!" Yasmina snaps at him, anger at the mere accusation that Brooklynn would do anything remotely like that thick in her voice. "No… That can't be real…"

"I don't want to believe it, but… I think Kenji has a point," Ben puts in his thought-out input. "Brooklynn fought hard to get the popularity that she has. Leah helped and… she wasn't always a good influence… Sexualizing yourself for fame is becoming normal… and pushed… For a young girl who's already struggling with feeling neglected at home, she'd be desperate for attention… Making her vulnerable…"

Darius hangs his head, chest heaving before he composes himself momentarily. "She hinted at it on the island… We were riding the Triceratops back in the beginning of our stay. She said she did questionable things for attention on the Internet… That she had to do uncomfortable things to get fame… That she felt like she sold her soul…"

The campers looked at each other with worried looks. Kenji hated himself for it, but it didn't surprise him. Darius and Sammy seemed unable to comprehend the thought. Yasmina didn't want to accept it out of pure insanity… Ben seemed to be the only one on the same page as Kenji. It's not like they both expected it… But it wasn't a shock.

As hard as it was to think about, it didn't seem out of the ordinary for Brooklynn to film an exotic video… Kenji was well aware of the arena she played in. Society on whole seemed to progressively sexualize young girls and women… The model industry. Hollywood. Two big examples of it. Social media was in some ways, a mashup of those two industries… With the added competition for likes and follows. Being a social media personality, Brooklynn was in a heated battle to stay on top. To stay liked. To get views and receive money… It would be all too easy to fall into that trap… Maybe Leah encouraged it… "Get an OnlyFans account, it'll help you get good money on the side," she probably said.

The thought made him a little sick… Brooklynn didn't deserve that… She didn't deserve to be turned into a sex object like that…

"I have to see it to believe it," Yasmina growls, trying hard to deny the possibility in her head.

"No," Darius shakes his head. "I can't… I can't watch it."

"I can't either," Sammy sniffs, lip trembling. "If… If it's true… I can't look at her like that… It's already out there for the world to see… She killed herself over it… I can't breach her privacy like that…"

"I don't want to watch it either," Ben shakes his head sadly. "Sammy's right… It feels wrong to think about watching that…"

"Yeah, no…" he shakes his head. Sammy said it all… This was what pushed Brooklynn over the edge. Whatever the video held was embarrassing and degrading enough to make her give up on life. It was bad enough that random people on the Internet were watching it… Brooklynn most certainly didn't want her friends seeing it. She deserved what little dignity she had left… They owed it to her…

Yasmina wasn't giving up so easily. Trembling, she clenched her fists. "I have to know… This… This is what pushed her over the edge… I have to know what it is. What it was that hurt her so much, she gave up the will to live."

Kenji watches her in the heavy silence. None of them should watch it… He didn't want to have that image of her in his mind… It was bad enough that if he tried, he could put together a couple different scenarios in his mind… Add Brooklynn's face… And he probably wasn't too far off. He didn't want those images reinforced. Once he sees it, he wouldn't be able to unsee it. He didn't want to breach Brooklynn's privacy like that. Not when she was practically dead because of it…

But then again… Somebody had to know… He didn't want to be completely in the dark… He didn't want random people to come up to him knowing more than he did…

He tosses the amputee his phone. "Then you can watch it," he tells her. If somebody was going to watch it, let it be her… She seemed to want to.

… Maybe not, with the way she was staring fearfully at his phone.

"Yaz, don't," Darius breathes.

"If you can't bear it, don't watch it," Sammy says softly.

"Let someone else… The police or the adults…" Kenji thinks.

A dark glint appears in her eyes. "Somebody has to," she says, allowing Ben to help her to the pavement. She clicks on the video, waiting for it to load.

The rest of the group fidgets and tries not to pay attention. Kenji paces the parking lot around them. They were parked in the back, so there wasn't as much traffic.

Yasmina had the volume low, but try as he might, Kenji couldn't help picking up on the audio. It didn't sound any different from the other videos he had watched… It was surreal. Believing that that was Brooklynn… That Brooklynn would… Would he ever be able to look at her the same way again? Not as a reflection of her… Just knowing that she had made content that a year or so ago, he'd gladly enjoy… That guys like him were why she made it… Because she needed attention and fame to make it on social media and guys like him were an easy audience…

It almost felt like… though he didn't ever pressure her or any girl into filming erotic material… like he had contributed to this… As if somehow, he was a part of the reason Brooklynn felt pressure to make this video… That he was the reason Brooklynn sounded breathy… Aroused…

… and nothing like herself…

Kenji stops pacing and frowns. Was he imagining it? It didn't sound at all like Brooklynn.

"Porn stars probably sound a lot different than they do in real life," doubt enters. "She's probably imitating others."

"But it's still oddly out of range for her… It doesn't sound like her…"

Maybe he was imagining it, but the girl in the video sounded nothing like Brooklynn. "Turn it up," he says. Even if it was stupid and hopeless… He had gotten it in his mind now that it might not be Brooklynn, and he was determined to at least check it out. For her sake…

Yasmina does, and Kenji moves to crouch behind her. Ben had already done the same, watching with a skeptical face.

With his mind already tuned into every detail to find inconsistencies, it was easy. This wasn't Brooklynn. It was a poor quality video. Taken at home, not filmed by a producer… "Play it from the beginning," he tells her.

Yasmina does and looks away. Kenji and Ben continue to search the video for evidence. "It's not real, is it?" Ben finally asks, looking at him for confirmation.

Kenji shakes his head. "The voice isn't right. The body isn't right. The face isn't right. The lighting isn't right. It's all wrong."

"What do you mean?" Sammy asks, wheeling herself closer.

"The voice sounds too high in a fake way to be hers," Kenji explains. "I-I don't know, it just sounds different… Which could be explained by her trying to imitate other videos, but that's inconsistency number one. Number two, the body doesn't match Brooklynn. If Brooklynn truly did make this video, it couldn't have been that long ago. That girl's too… that girl's a normal weight. Her whole body's bigger than Brooklynn's."

Kenji couldn't unsee all the differences now. The tan compared to Brooklynn's "face." Her healthy weight. Her different shape. The lighting of the room and body didn't match her face. The room was too dark, and Brooklynn's "face" was just ever so slightly paler… Like it had been cropped on from one of her videos.

"Oh my gosh, you're right…" Sammy murmurs.

"And of course her face is concealed most of the time," Yasmina points out.

"Easier to edit," Ben nods.

"And there's only one camera angle," Sammy adds.

"Terrible quality, too," Ben nods. "Definitely not what Brooklynn would use if she was filming the video. Poor quality if she was trying to get views. Plus, honestly, you can only figure out it's her based on the title of the video. Her face is kind of obscured most of the time."

Kenji hides his grimace. He was pretty sure he had seen this video at one point or another… Probably more than once if it stuck out in his mind… He didn't want to admit it to his friends, but if he could prove with hard evidence this wasn't Brooklynn…

"I'm pretty sure I've seen the real video before…" he mutters, searching his pockets for his phone. "I think I might be able to find the real one…"

"So… it's not her?" Darius chances a listen.

"Yeah, we're sure of it," Ben nods.

"Where is my dang phone…" Kenji panics, then feels stupid as Yasmina hands him back his phone. The same one they were watching the video on… "Focus Kenji!"

"Do you have the exact video saved?" Sammy cocks her head, accusatively.

"No, it's not high quality so it'll probably be hard to find…" Kenji says, face heating up ever so slightly. "But I think I remember the trail I took to get to that one…"

"Trail?" Sammy frowns. "You can remember the exact videos you watched in the exact order you watched them?" she seemed to ask.

"You know, you click on one video, then another video catches your eye, so you're down the rabbit trail!" he snaps, swiping furiously.

"Just… try to find it…" Sammy whimpers, pulling back. "To prove Brooklynn's innocence…"

"Yeah… That's what I'm doing…" he whispers guiltily. She wasn't judging him… He had overreacted… She was just worried about Brooklynn… "Focus, Kenji, come on!"

As he clicks through different videos, hoping desperately that everything was exactly as it was a year ago, he hears Yasmina growl. "Leah sent her the video…"

"So, she was behind this," Darius seethes. "I bet she edited the video, too."

"There's not much evidence… yet…" Ben mutters.

"Almost there… Almost there… AHA!" Kenji grins, finding the exact video, except this time, Brooklynn's face wasn't in it. "Found it!" he declares triumphantly, passing it around to everyone who saw the edited version. "That's the exact video, just without Brooklynn's face," he says. "It's the real one. Nothing distorted or strange. That video of Brooklynn is completely fake and we have proof."

"Which is why I'm confused," Sammy frowns. "Why would she die over this? Kenji picked up on it so quickly—"

"It did have something off to it, even before Kenji pointed it out," Ben interrupts.

"But it's very obviously fake," Sammy sighs in frustration.

"Yeah… Why did this do her in?" Kenji asks.

"As embarrassing as it is… It's not true," Darius frowns. "She knows it's not real… Why would she kill herself over an edited video…"

"Especially one so easily fake it's laughable to believe it," Kenji shrugs and crosses his arms. Brooklynn was completely innocent… Maybe she was worried they wouldn't believe her? Did the video look too real to her? Did Brooklynn think they'd believe Leah's video over her?

"Maybe the shame of having this out there was too much to bear?" Sammy suggests. "Even though she knows it's fake, she still doesn't want to deal with the public…"

"Maybe…" Ben murmurs.

"Yaz, what do you think it is?" Sammy asks.

Kenji looks down at the amputee. She had a numb, scared look on her face. A text from Brooklynn's phone catches her attention. Ben and Yasmina read it together. "There's another video…" Yasmina says numbly, then again. "There's another video…"

"What do you mean 'another video?'" Kenji asks, worriedly crossing his arms.

"Whoever this is says, 'I edited that video. It's not even Brooklynn in the video. I don't know who it is,'" Ben reads. "'I was commissioned to do this. I didn't know this would push her over the edge. I am so sorry. I didn't realize the intentions of my commissioner. I thought this was another petty rivalry between Brooklynn and Leah. I didn't realize how much harm Leah wanted to do. It seemed like libel until she revealed the inspiration behind this idea.'"

"What?" Kenji drops his arms in shock.

"'I'm so sorry,'" Ben continues reading. "'I'm attaching the real video which Leah drew from. She wanted to make Brooklynn look dirty, so the edited video hardly matches the real footage. I didn't want to reveal this to the public, not after what the fake video did to her. But this can't be left hidden. I hope someone finds this. Family. Police. Someone. Just don't let this footage be hidden.'"

"What do they mean?" Sammy asks.

"I don't know if I want to watch this…" Yasmina whimpers.

"What real footage?" Kenji asks, pacing around the parking lot. "If there's real footage, why did they edit it?" "If there's real footage, why not put it out there? How could the real footage be worse than the edit? How could there BE real footage?"

"If there's real footage, and the edited video doesn't match the footage… But the edited video is made to make Brooklynn look dirty…" Ben trails off.

"What are you getting at?" Kenji wonders.

"Play it," Darius whispers, trembling. He moves towards the rest of the group. "I have to know."

"I think I know," Yasmina whispers, trembling as Ben plays the link.

The video was formatted as if it were security footage. The camera was secured in the upper corner of an empty room. The room had mirrors lining one wall, with a bar along said wall. The only people in the room were Brooklynn and an older man. As Brooklynn began to dance in her simple black leotard, it dawned on Kenji that this was from her ballet days.

It wasn't very eventful for the first few minutes. Brooklynn would perform, then receive instruction or encouragement from her instructor before trying again… But she wasn't comfortable with him. Even from far away in video footage, she looked tense. Watching the way the instructor interacted with her… Kenji immediately didn't like him. There was something off about him. Unnerving… Predatory.

It seemed Brooklynn was preparing for a number including a partner, for the instructor moved in to guide her. This soon progressed to him grabbing her waist and pulling her close. Brooklynn looked down at his arm around her waist, clearly uncomfortable.

"What is he doing?" Darius asks.

"Oh no… NO!" Kenji panics as the man kissed her.

This seemed to shock Brooklynn into action. She pulled back and asked him to stop. He ignored her and pulled her back in for another kiss, forcing her to try to run. The instructor harshly grabbed her arms. Her hands were balled into tight fists. He calmly insisted she wanted this… This wouldn't hurt… Not if she cooperated with him… This would be good… She wanted it…

"No, no, no, no," Kenji breathes, desperately pleading that Brooklynn would run. That someone would walk in. That somebody would save her. That she would escape! Don't let this be the fate that she suffers!

"Run… just run!" Yasmina pleads, tormented.

The man had been grooming her… He had to have been… For as uncomfortable as Brooklynn was, she gave in and kissed back… Her ballet instructor had been grooming her…

"Don't do this," Darius chokes out.

It became too much for Brooklynn. She struggled and tried to push herself out of his arms. The smooth-talking instructor snapped. Violently, he grabbed her shoulders and shoved her roughly to the ground, collapsing on top of her before she could get her bearings. With his weight on her hips, Brooklynn couldn't get out from underneath him, giving him room to yank on her leotard strings, painfully snapping them and baring her chest. Brooklynn yelped vulnerably, breaking Kenji's heart.

"Stop it!" Sammy cries as Brooklynn tried to cover her chest with one hand and wrestle him with the other. Losing the battle, he roughly pulled off her leotard and shorts, then began to undress himself.

Brooklynn took the opportunity to escape. Halfway undressed, the man harshly grabbed her thigh and pulled her back, holding her stomach down and single-handedly undressing himself. All the while, Brooklynn screamed for help… But no one came to her rescue.

He pinned her beneath him… exposing her for him to exploit… He made his move… Brooklynn screamed…

Kenji turns away and closes his eyes. He was inches away from throwing up. He couldn't take it. Brooklynn was still screaming… Begging for him to stop… Her voice conveyed so much pain and fear and helplessness… And the man still wouldn't stop… Kenji wanted to throw up…

"Get… off of her…" Darius seethes before crying.

"Is she dead?" Sammy asks, bringing Kenji to tears.

"No… just… disassociating," Ben mumbles.

Tears flowing fast, Kenji sits down in the grass next to bushes. He was feeling everything and nothing at the same time. Pure hatred towards the guy. A longing to help Brooklynn. Pain as he sympathized with her. A sense of revenge as the guy wouldn't stop… And a sense of numbness that dulled the other emotions.

He looks back over at the group. Sammy was sobbing, wailing for her friend. Darius was crying as well, trembling with grief and anger. Yasmina was still watching the video, staring with wide, teary eyes. He couldn't tell what she was feeling… Ben was hugging her, staring at the ground numbly.

"Get up… Up, now!" Kenji hears her instructor say in the footage.

The callousness in his voice was nauseating and infuriating. Did he have no heart? Did he take pleasure in the pain he caused Brooklynn? How could he carry on as she screamed in pain for him to stop?! How could he be so selfish as to brutally rape such a young girl?! Why?! Why did he do that?! What did she do to deserve that?! Brooklynn didn't deserve that! How could she?! There wasn't anything Brooklynn could do to deserve that…

Kenji couldn't comprehend it… What she must have felt… He couldn't put himself completely in that situation… The vulnerability… The pain… The betrayal… The brutal violation… He had nothing to compare it to in an attempt to comprehend and empathize with her.

Flopping back on the grass, he tries… Imagining what it would be like to lay there… completely exposed and vulnerable… with a monster above you…

He couldn't. He couldn't picture it. He didn't want to. It hurt too much…

"Why would this happen to her? What did she do to deserve this? Who's karma is coming back around and affecting her?" he desperately wonders.

This hurt… This hurt too much… He couldn't take it…

Getting up and leaving the group, he walks over to the hospital, trying desperately to get his mind off the horrible image of Brooklynn being raped…

"You okay, Kenj?" Brandon asks, as he approaches the siblings.

No, he wasn't… He wanted to pretend everything was okay and say something funny, but he couldn't… He wanted to distract himself. Distract the others. Take away the pain…

But he couldn't…

"Just give me something to do," he finds himself saying. He didn't want to talk. He couldn't talk. He couldn't explain how he was feeling. What he had seen. What Brooklynn had gone through. He couldn't comprehend it himself. He wanted to forget it. He wanted his mind somewhere else. He couldn't take this pain…

The siblings look at each other before Ghaleb speaks. "I need to… clean out the inside of my car… It's, um… she… you know… You want to help me out?"

"Yeah… yeah…" Kenji says numbly, following Yasmina's older brother back to the car. By now, the other campers had dispersed. He wasn't sure where to…

Kenji sits in the passenger's seat as Ghaleb drives back to his house. By now, he recognized the smell of throw up… Somehow he had missed it… It wasn't super strong, but vomit wasn't a light scent to begin with… The knowledge that it was Brooklynn's made him nauseous again…

The two arrive and Ghaleb finds supplies in the kitchen. "Let's get to scrubbing," he sighs.

The two bring back baking soda and other supplies necessary to the car. They had put down towels to sleep on, so Kenji hadn't truly noticed the stains of vomit on the back seats… A memory of Brooklynn back on the island after her first suicide attempt comes to mind.

"You did this," guilt hisses. "You weren't paying attention to her. You were only thinking of yourself. So was everyone else… You did this!"

Sinking to the concrete, Kenji bursts into silent tears. Ghaleb kneels down next to him and pulls him into a hug from the side, rubbing his back as he cries.

"You did this… You did this…" self-blame spits in his mind.

"Can't deal… I can't deal with this… Must find something else to do…" Kenji thinks brokenly. He couldn't take it… The guilt… The pain… It was too much for him… He had to get his mind off of everything for a bit… He had to… So he falls back on his tactic when him and Sammy went through trouble.

"Come on," he says, suddenly snapping out of his breakdown. "We have work to do."

Ghaleb watches in confusion as Kenji begins to clean, tear stains being the only sign that he had been crying. Kenji felt numb inside as he worked… Focusing on another task helped… It took away a bit of the pain…

Somewhat… As long as he didn't think of her… That image of her pinned down, completely exposed… being ravaged by the guy…

"Scrub," he told himself. "Just scrub… Focus on the task at hand…"

---

"Don't think about it… Don't think about it…" Kenji tells himself over and over again as Ghaleb drives the two of them back to the hospital. He couldn't get those images out of his head… He was tormented by them… He couldn't take the pain… Which made him feel guilty because how much more did Brooklynn feel that? He had no room to feel that way; it wasn't him in that position. It wasn't him dealing with that trauma. It wasn't him who literally committed suicide because of this… How dare he feel so overwhelmed by the mere knowledge that that had happened to her? Why did this get him so worked up to the point of throwing up?

At least he could excuse the sudden bout of vomit as a byproduct of cleaning the car… He didn't have to explain to Ghaleb why he was so sickened… He didn't want to be the one to break it to him… He didn't want to explain it to anyone… He wished Brooklynn's secret could just stay between the campers. He wished no one else would know what happened to her… That no one would have to talk about the horrors of that day…

"Yup… That's why she kept this a secret for so long and killed herself when it came out…" he thinks.

He wanted to feel numb… Like when he first found out. It was easier to deal with than this… This pit in his stomach that made him want to scream just to get it out. The knowledge of what happened to her heavy in his mind… The guilt of how he felt about everything and the guilt of feeling like he could've done more weighing down on his shoulders… The burning rage towards Brooklynn's instructor… Leah, too… The fear of losing her and the pain of watching her go through all of this…

He wanted to shut down again… It was nice having something else to do… Working made it easier to turn off his mind and emotions… He had to find something to do…

"You guys can go see her," his father interrupts his thoughts.

Kenji looks down at the ground. Was she doing better? Worse? What if this was the last time he'd see her… What if she passes when they're all in the room?

"Ben and Darius are already there," his father informs him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Maybe… Maybe you should go with them…"

Brooklynn laying in her hospital bed flashes before his eyes… He didn't want to see her again… He didn't want this burning pit of emotions in his stomach to burst… But he had to… He had to see her… He'd never forgive himself if she died and he wasn't there…
Course… He could just add that to the list of everything else he won't forgive himself for…

Knowing he should do it, he stalls by going to collect Sammy… When she opens the car door, he immediately regrets it. Why did he pick her? She stared back at him bleakly, her eyes puffy from crying. Part of him didn't recognize her. It couldn't be her… Sammy always had life and hope behind her eyes… This Sammy was dead… Her eyes held nothing but sadness behind them…

He stares at his shoes, fidgeting uncomfortably. Maybe he shouldn't have come get her… Maybe it was better if she didn't see Brooklynn in the hospital… "The doctors said we could visit… her…"

"Yeah… Yeah, let me…" she murmurs, looking over at her sister for help.

Kenji stands by awkwardly as Miriam helps Sammy into her wheelchair. He wanted to help her, but he wasn't sure where they stood… and if that was okay to help lift her into her chair. So he stands by helplessly, waiting for her to be ready to go.

The two walk and wheel into the hospital. His first instinct was to offer to push her, like a gentleman, but he refrains from doing so. She seemed to be doing fine herself… And who was he to try to be a gentleman after what they had gone through? "How can I be thinking of us when Brooklynn's dying?" guilt condemns, making him even more dejected.

Yasmina is led in by a nurse, and Kenji takes her by the arm, assuring the nurse that he and Sammy could take care of her. He knew where Brooklynn's room was.

The three walk in silence down the hall. Kenji stays by Yasmina's side, one hand on her back out of worry. The amputee was trailing behind; Sammy—who normally traveled at the back of the pack—was ahead of them and had to slow down. Yasmina wore a tired, pained expression, limping as she walks. Her prosthetic leg was still on, but she favored her good leg over putting weight on the prosthetic. She had overused it and really needed a break.

"Maybe you should use crutches," Kenji suggests, knowing they could find some quickly for her. It was possible her leg was swelling. Desperate times called for desperate measures, but surely they could find a solution for her… They were in a dang hospital…

Yasmina, true to character, shakes her head and continues on in pain. Kenji continues to follow behind her, offering moral support and physical support in case it was necessary.

The group arrives at Brooklynn's room, hearing shouting within it. Nurses at the desk were eyeing the room in concern. Kenji opens the door, slips in himself, and holds it open for the girls. He watches in uncertainty as the scene unfolds.

"This!" Darius flings his hand out towards an unconscious Brooklynn. "This could have been prevented! She could've been saved before this, I know it!"

"Darius—" Ben breathes.

"I should've known!" Darius practically shouts. "I should've paid more attention to her! I shouldn't have been pulling away! I shouldn't have been focusing on you guys! You guys weren't at risk! I shouldn't have listened to you!" he rages, almost accusing Ben. "I shouldn't have pulled away! Brooklynn wasn't fine yesterday, I should've gone after her! I shouldn't have trusted Yaz's opinion! I shouldn't have focused on the breakup! Sammy and Kenji were fine compared to her! I shouldn't have focused on them, I should've focused on Brooklynn!"

"Darius!" Ben says louder, glancing at the others.

"See!" guilt hammers. "It was me! I distracted everyone from Brooklynn! This is my fault!"

That pit of anxiety and guilt and pain hardens in his stomach, and he shuts his mouth to keep from throwing up.

"I…" Darius freezes in realization.

A horrible sound of grief and agony comes from his right side. Kenji looks just in time to find Yasmina slump against the wall and fall to the floor, her legs giving out. Her prosthetic jerkily slides out from underneath her and lays at an odd angle, leaving her to look like a broken doll… Like a victim of gunfire crumbling to the ground…

"Yaz…" Darius blinks back tears.

Yasmina curls into herself, wailing horribly. The guttural cry being wrenched out of her chest almost broke Kenji. It was like what he felt. That pit of guilt and grief stuck in their chests was too much to bear. He wanted to scream and cry like she was, letting the festering tumor of grief and guilt out.

"You can't break," Kenji tells himself. Pulling in his breath, he kneels down next to her, trying to comfort her as she grieves.

"Guys… Guys, I'm sorry," Darius stutters. "I-I didn't…"

Kenji rubs Yasmina's back helplessly as she wails. "You caused this!" guilt yells at him.

"Don't blame yourselves," Ben says, stepping in as Darius moves towards the group. "It's not your fault, and you didn't fail Brooklynn. Don't blame yourselves."

"You caused this!" guilt yells louder than Ben's words.

"We tried to save her, and we gave her so many chances," Ben continues. "We did everything we could."

"No, I didn't! I'm a selfish d***! I'm an attention whore! I'm a narcissist! Brooklynn would still be here if I had just maned up and didn't react like I did!"

"It's not your fault," Ben tells Darius. "It's not your fault," he holds Sammy's hand.

"No, it's not… It's mine," Kenji thought bitterly.

"It's not your fault," Ben touches his shoulder.

Kenji stares at him with hard eyes; to anyone else it looked like he was angry at Ben. But he wasn't. He was mad at himself. It was his fault. Ben was just being nice…

An unreadable expression passes over Ben's face before he crouches down in front of Yasmina. "It's not your fault, you didn't do this," he tells her, holding her hands as she sobs uncontrollably.

"It's not your fault, Yaz, I did this," Kenji thinks, rubbing her back. "Stop this… You didn't do it…"

He knew why she was crying like this… No one had seen her breakdown this bad since the island. It was guilt… She was blaming herself for Brooklynn's death… Darius had unintentionally hit a nerve and she was blaming herself… The guilt was too much to bear and wailing was the only way to relieve the pain… He wanted to tell her it wasn't her fault. That it was his. She did everything that she could. He didn't… She could take that guilt she was feeling and place it on him… Relieve herself of the burden and give it to him…

"How is it any more my fault than it is hers?" the voice of reason whispers, being drowned out by the guilt.

"Darius is right; why did he spend the day with me?" guilt harasses. "He should've checked in on her! But no! He spent it with me! He spent his energy on me! We could've caught this and we didn't because I was at the center of everyone's attention! This is what I want! This is always what I want! I'm an attention whore! I'm a narcissist! Are you happy now, Kenji?! Your sister is dead because of you! Brooklynn is dead because you distracted Darius and he wasn't able to see Brooklynn's pain! And you distracted Sammy, so she wasn't her usual self! And you distracted Ben so his attention was divided! You're the reason Brooklynn is dead!"

Kenji looks up at Darius, who's heart was completely crushed seeing the damage he had caused with his outburst… He glances over at Brooklynn's form, covered by the thin hospital sheet. She was dead… No, not yet, there was still a chance… But if there wasn't… It would all be his fault…

"I'm sorry!" he wants to shout. "It's all my fault! She doesn't deserve this! That should be me on the bed! That should've been me in the video! She doesn't deserve this! It's all my fault… If I could go and take her place… In her room last night… In the room with that predator… I'd do it… But I can't…"

But nothing comes out… As if there were a lock on his heart and mind, preventing him from making a sound…

"Hey, uh…" a voice says from the doorway. Kenji looks up to find Ghaleb faltering. "Mom… says you need to go back to the… car…"

Yasmina moves towards Ben, resting her arm limply on his shoulder and saying something unintelligible. "Go down to the car and elevate your leg," Ben hugs her tightly. "It's okay."

"Come on," Kenji encourages her. "Go rest your leg for a bit." "Go allow yourself to be comforted by your family… please…"

Ben gestures for Kenji and Sammy to leave the room. Kenji waits in the doorway, knowing there was no way he could comfort Darius… This was a Ben job…

Sammy didn't want to leave, and Ben had to coax her to leave. Kenji waits for her, accompanying her out of the hospital. They were silent on their way out. "If I could go back and change things…" he thinks. "If I could just go back and change things…"

"What would I change? Her ballet instructor was the one who did this to her. This trauma pushed her into being depressed and suicidal. What could I have changed?"

"I could've been there for her! I could've put aside my own feelings and problems and been there for her like a good friend! I was selfish! All I could see were my own problems! All I was focusing on was myself! I'm selfish! I'm selfish! I'm at fault!"

"She'll be okay," Sammy breaks his thought process. "She'll be okay. Brooklynn will be okay… God has her. He's in control."

Something in Kenji snaps. That phrase. That saying. That same old stuff from her. The same old stuff that she used to break up with him and distract everyone with and cause Brooklynn to slip through the cracks! "Just stop!" he shouts, turning on her heatedly. He sees her flinch at his tone and his proximity but he can't stop. "Stop! Stop it! Stop it with all the God stuff! It's not helping! It's not helping at all! Wh-When did it help?! Since when has praying and believing helped?! Brooklynn's worse!"

His voice fails, and he pulls at his hair. He was losing it. He was losing it! But he couldn't stop… "Brooklynn didn't change! You were praying for her, Ben was praying for her, everyone was praying for her! I-I was praying for her…"

"I'd stoop as low as praying to God for her and still nothing changed…"

"And she's not better! She's worse! Way worse!" he vents. "Dead! P-possibly…"

He had to walk… This energy or anxiety was building and he had to walk… "Religion is stupid and fictitious and all it does is cause trouble!"

"Please listen to me, Sam… Just give it up!"

"All it's done is cause a divide in the group… Cause friction and fights…"

"Caused us to lose Brooklynn…"

"Caused a divide between us!" he snaps. "We're…"

"We're all broken because of your stupid ideas and my stupid narcissism and my stupid problems…"

"And for what?!" he snaps, advancing on her despite the voice in his head telling him not to. It was like he wasn't in control… "What do you hope to get out of this?! What do you hope to get from believing in God?! Heaven? Is heaven worth it if you're losing your friends here?!"

"Why is God more important than me?! Why is an imaginary figure more important to you than me?!"

He can see her lip trembling and tears building in her eyes. "Kenji, stop it!" reason shouts, but he can't seem to listen.

"Do you hope to get saved from judgment?!" he asks. "Judgment from what?! Judgment from the same God you're believing in?! Why do you believe you'll be saved by a God who deals out punishment of the guilty onto the backs of the innocent?! Where's the justice here?!"

"Why is Brooklynn suffering when I should be the one in her place?!"

"What do you hope to gain from praying?! What do you hope to gain from believing?! Why is this all you can do right now?!"

"It's the only thing I can do, Kenji!" Sammy shouts at him, stopping him in his tracks. "What else do you expect me to do?! I'm in a f***ing wheelchair! I can't even walk! You guys have to help me get around; what was I supposed to do?!"

Kenji quickly pulls back in surprise. She cursed… She yelled… She wasn't positive… He had triggered something in her… But he wasn't about to apologize yet, she wasn't finished.

"There's nothing I could've done!" she snaps. "There's nothing… I could've… f***ing… done…" Her anger abates into pain as she starts crying. "There's nothing I can do… Even if I got your texts, I still couldn't have gotten there… Even if I called her, there's nothing I could do to get to her; I can't save Brooklynn… What do you want me to do?" she asks, beggingly. Kenji began to feel bad about snapping at her. "What can I do? I'm helpless… I'm helpless here… I can't help Brooklynn… I can't help you guys…"

Kenji digs his nails into his palms, feeling like he should assure her that she could… That she wasn't completely helpless… But he wasn't sure what he'd say if she asked how…

"Prayer… Is the only thing I can do…" she says, beginning to cry again. "I can't do anything for her physically… I can't save her… This is beyond me… Beyond my skills… I couldn't save her last night… I can't help her now… I'm helpless in the physical realm, so maybe I can intercede in the spiritual realm… Maybe I can pray on her behalf… Maybe I'm helpless in the spiritual realm, too…"

"Sammy…" Kenji whispers, feeling immense guilt… Realizing that she was just doing what she could with what she had, regardless of whether it was actually effective or not… She was just trying to be a good friend… Just doing what she can…

"I didn't want to hurt you," she whimpers, breaking his heart even further. "I didn't want to hurt you breaking up… It hurts… It hurts me, too… I thought I was being obedient to God… I don't know…"

Kenji deflates tiredly. "Why…" he asks, feeling utterly broken. "Why would God do this? Why would he put her through that? Through this? She doesn't deserve this… Why is she suffering so much? Why her?"

"I don't know," Sammy admits, sounding horribly depressed. Like she had given up all her hope saying that… "I don't have an answer… I'm searching myself… I'm just as lost as you are… It hurts so much… I don't know what I did wrong… Maybe I shouldn't have broken up with you… Maybe Darius was right… Maybe I should've listened to my heart and gotten my phone… Maybe this is my fault…"

Her words pricked that burning pit of anxiety and grief in his stomach and he couldn't help but let it out in a sob. She was blaming herself… She blamed herself for what happened to Brooklynn. She thought it was her fault… Because she broke up with him…

"No, she had every right to do so… This is my fault," he tells himself as he sinks to the sidewalk. "This is my fault! Not hers! She doesn't deserve this blame! None of them do! It's all my fault!"

All the self blame and self hatred and anxiety and grief come back, hitting him like a brick… Followed by the icy cold feeling of numbness… He was feeling everything at once… And feeling nothing at the same time… All his thoughts were racing; swarming his mind like an angry nest of wasps. Millions of thoughts bombarding him, yet only one thought was sinking in…

"It's my fault…"

---

Hungry, the remaining members of the group head to a diner. Mrs. Pincus and Mrs. Gutierrez sat with Miriam, Ghaleb, and Milton in one booth, while the campers sat in another. Brandon sat in the place Brooklynn should've sat in…

Kenji sat in silence, only eating a couple bites. He was still feeling nauseous, like he'd throw up again at any moment. It was as if there was this fog around him… This black, suffocating fog that pressed in. Pressed on his stomach and made him want to heave. He felt so… alone. He was surrounded by people he cared about… but it didn't feel like he was there. "Maybe it's because Brooklynn isn't here…" he weakly theorizes.

His father had set off to work, as if he wasn't there enough… Kenji wanted to resent his father for leaving. Couldn't he just stay with Kenji? Couldn't he see his son was in distress? Couldn't he see that Kenji was hopeless and in despair? Couldn't anyone see that?

"Narcissistic," guilt says in a little sing-song voice in the back of his head.

Kenji looks up at Darius. The boy had the most guilt-ridden face as he stared at his food. No one spoke. No one could speak. They were all ruminating on what Darius had said as he lashed out…

"Kenji and Sammy were fine compared to Brooklynn!" Darius's words come back.

No doubt, Darius was feeling guilt after yelling that, but Kenji couldn't help but believe those words. "Murderer… Murderer…" guilt hisses.

He somewhat believed it… He couldn't put into words what he was feeling… But he blamed himself… Somehow… It was his fault… Brooklynn was gone because of him… Whether directly or indirectly… Cause it wasn't her fault. She wasn't to blame. She couldn't have any fault in this… She did nothing wrong. Why would this happen to her?

He must've done something wrong… The others were too good. Brooklynn was too good. She didn't deserve this… It was his fault…

Kenji avoids eye contact with Sammy, not that she was trying to look him in the eye anyway. The silence was deafening, and he wanted someone to speak. But what could anyone say? What could Kenji say? He was the comedian… The comic relief. And at a time like this, even though they were depressed, humor was not appreciated. That would be distasteful… inappropriate. His role was not needed…

Maybe it never was…

That numbing fog sets in again, deadening him to his own grief and sadness. In some ways, it was nice… Just not feeling… anything… for a while…

The mothers decide to head back to the hospital, seeing as nobody was really eating much. Everyone either felt sad or sick to their stomachs.

Kenji numbly walks to his car, wanting to forget about all this… Let his emotions die like Brooklynn was…

That thought hurt him and brought a pang of guilt…

The passenger door opens, surprising him. Kenji turns to see Ben sit down and buckle himself up. "Safety precautions. You do wear your seatbelt while you drive, right?"

Kenji blinks in confusion. For a second, Ben sounded exactly as he did on the island. Flighty, cautious, always using big words like some book nerd. It was as if Brooklynn never happened… Then that solemn, serious tone settled in Ben's expression and that feeling went away. "Yeah… Yeah, I-I do," Kenji assures him, buckling his seatbelt to demonstrate. "I… I was going to head back to the bnb…"

"Well, I was going back to the hospital…" Ben says. "Do you mind driving me back?"

Kenji was about to ask if Ben's mother could do it, but he felt bad refusing… "Yeah… I can do that…"

The drive is silent, but Kenji can feel Ben's stare from the passenger seat. In the beginning, Kenji thought he was just spacing out. But as his emotions began to surface—despite trying to shove them deep enough to never see them again—Ben's stare felt different. It felt like a predator sizing him up. As if Ben was evaluating him. Picking apart his mind. Kenji wanted to tell him to look away. Stop looking at him. Stop trying to figure him out! There was nothing to figure out! He had no emotions…

Gosh, Kenji wished he didn't…

He parks in the back of the hospital parking lot and waits for Ben to get out. But the boy doesn't, and Kenji knows exactly why he's not. "I'm not talking about God," Kenji says grumpily, knowing Ben intended to talk. "I already went off on Sammy about that…"

"What a good friend," guilt quips sarcastically.

Ben blinks at him and shrugs. "Okay. That's not the pressing matter I had in mind."

"It'll find it's way in eventually," Kenji internally rolled his eyes, but he plays along. "Then what pressing matter do you have in mind?"

"Guilt," Ben states. "Your guilt, specifically.

"I don't have guilt," Kenji automatically denies. He couldn't talk about it. He would break. Ben would hit too close to home and Kenji would lose the weakened grip on his emotions. For once, could the kid just leave well enough alone?

"Why do you think it's your fault she's in the hospital?" Ben asks, hitting the nail on the head.

Kenji grips the wheel and stares straight ahead, determined to ignore the question. He was going to be silent until the kid left. Ben, equally as stubborn, settles down in the seat for a minute, before asking again.

"You're assuming things," Kenji deflects, his determination to stay silent faltering within a few seconds.

"You're blaming yourself for what she did," Ben states matter-of-factly. "You think you could've done more. Could've said more. Could've paid attention. Should've paid attention… Shouldn't have drawn attention away from her by being upset with Sammy's breakup?"

Kenji's face twitches, giving away his emotions. Ben takes it as confirmation and begins to dig even deeper. "Why do you think it's your fault?" he asks.

"I thought you just stated it," Kenji growls, thinking of how to get out of this conversation.

"Yeah… I don't think that's exactly it," Ben says, squinting at Kenji. "There's something deeper going on. You're still blaming yourself, aren't you?"

"No," Kenji hisses through gritted teeth.

"You know… I don't think the breakup was what caused this," Ben says.

"I know that," Kenji rolls his eyes.

Ben nods his head, like he was checking off a list in his head of possibilities. "So if you think it's your fault, what could you have done differently?"

"Aren't you the all-knowing?" Kenji snaps, trying to keep from answering for as long as possible.

"I don't know everything," Ben frowns.

"You're like the super knowing emotion guru or something," Kenji stutters out. "You know, it's like you can read what's going on inside our heads."

"Not really?" Ben tilts his head. "I can sort of read your emotions. It's like I feel them, too. Not really like an empath, I'm just super in tune with other people's emotions, especially if I know them well."

"Then why are you even asking me any of this?" Kenji asks.

"Because you're numb," Ben drops. "At least, you're trying to be. Maybe you're overwhelmed. Maybe you're scared of losing her and can't process the emotions that come with it. And probably blaming yourself for what happened to her, so the guilt is also overwhelming. You just want to turn off the ability to feel things because the only thing you can feel right now is… everything."

Kenji's hands begin to tremble as he grips the steering wheel tightly. How could he hit so close…

"Why do you blame yourself for this?" Ben asks again. "It's not your fault she went through all that. It's not your fault she tried to kill herself."

"You… don't understand…" Kenji whispers, barely audible.

"You're not the only one who feels guilt."

"The others don't deserve that guilt, though…"

"And you do?"

"Because Brooklynn doesn't deserve this!" Kenji snaps. "So why is all of this happening? How could this happen to her? Brooklynn is the sweetest, kindest, most loveable person ever! She doesn't deserve this!" his voice cracks. "This can't be… It's too horrible to be by chance…"

"Karma. Fate. Deities… Whatever controls what happens to us… It can't be because of her… She's too good… She doesn't deserve it…"

"Someone… Someone brought this upon her…" Kenji trembles. "This is some form of punishment… What goes around comes around… Good people are rewarded and bad people are punished… But she doesn't deserve it… It's punishment for someone else… Her parents? They don't care enough for it to affect them. You guys don't deserve it… Brooklynn's my younger sister… Maybe watching her die is… some form of karma… Or punishment…"

"What have you done to deserve watching your younger sister die?" Ben asks.

"Why wouldn't it be because of me?" Kenji growls.

"But what have you done?" he asks again.

"I… I…" he stutters. "My… my past… I-I was selfish… A bad… A bad kid… And worse yet, I tricked myself into thinking I was better… No one can change me… Sammy couldn't change me… You guys couldn't change me… I'm just denying my past. Trying to pretend I've changed… This is punishment… I thought I changed. I thought I got better. I was delusional and fooled myself… And now I'm losing her…

"Can he just… put it on me?" Kenji blinks back tears. "Can I just take this for her? She doesn't deserve it anyway… Or maybe this is meant for me. Maybe my karma is coming in the form of watching Brooklynn die…"

Ben stays silent for a second. "That doesn't sound selfish to me. Wanting to take the pain away from her. Take this 'punishment' away from her."

"Then who's punishment is this?" Kenji asks. "Why did this happen to her?"

Ben tilts his head back, thinking.

It dawns on Kenji that perhaps he wasn't the only one blaming himself for Brooklynn's situation. There was nothing Ben could've done that Kenji would ever think would warrant this… But the kid could still blame himself, right? "Do you… Do you think you've done something?" Kenji asks. "Something that maybe you did that your god is punishing you for? And Brooklynn is just… the punishment?"

To Kenji's surprise, Ben chuckles. "No, I don't think so," he says, pretty confident in his answer. "I'm not perfect. You may think I'm close to it, or at least, 'better than you.' But I'm not. I haven't kept all the laws and commandments and what have you. I'm not perfect. But God isn't trying to kill Brooklynn to make me suffer. This isn't punishment."

"How can you be so sure?" Kenji asks. "You care so deeply for her, why wouldn't Brooklynn be in pain to punish you? It'd be like… the highest form of torture. For someone you love to be tormented and you're forced to watch…"

"Well, I know for certain my God wouldn't do that, because in Ezekiel 18:20, it says," Ben sighs and searches it on his phone so that he's not misquoting, "'The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them.' So, no, this isn't my sins being placed on Brooklynn as punishment. I'm not being punished for my sins."

"But… if you're not perfect… Why aren't you being punished?" Kenji asks, bracing himself for a little philosophical rant as Ben breathes in.

"Well, the weight of sin is death," Ben starts. "The punishment for sin is death. Somebody must die to pay for sin. Blood must be shed to pay the price for sin. That's why there were so many animal sacrifices. That's why the lambs had to be without blemish. The sacrifices must be innocent without a spot. No sin… Nothing tainting them… The blood of lambs and goats and oxen were shed to pay the price for human sins because we're not perfect. We couldn't pay for them ourselves."

"Brooklynn is the innocent lamb dying for me," guilt condemns.

"So… Brooklynn… Is she this innocent lamb being killed to pay for sin?" Kenji asks, trying to reconcile Ben's words and his own guilt.

"Without spot or blemish," Ben reminds him. "You must be perfect in every way to be a candidate for sacrifice. Is Brooklynn perfect?"

"N-no…" Kenji admits. He thought so. She was better than him… But he knew that she wasn't perfect. Brooklynn had lived a pretty innocent life in his opinion… But she wasn't perfect…

"There's a better lamb," Ben continues. "A lamb whose blood could cover every sin. A lamb whose blood bought our freedom. A lamb whose blood allows for forgiveness."

"I'm not forgiven," he mutters.

"You are," he insists.

"No, I'm not," Kenji growls.

"Regardless of whether you want to be or not, you are," Ben says firmly. "We were all imprisoned by our own sins. Jesus's sacrifice pardoned all of us. You're forgiven, whether you accept it or not. You're in a jail cell. The door is open. It's unlocked. You can go free. You just have to take that offer."

"Shut up," Kenji snarls.

"You are forgiven," Ben states.

"Shut up," he repeats.

"You're the one blaming yourself. God's not blaming you."

"Shut up."

"We're not blaming you."

"Shut up!"

"Why do you want to blame yourself?" Ben asks calmly.

"Get out of the car," Kenji seethes. "I drove you to the hospital, now get out!"

"Why are you blaming yourself?" Ben asks persistently.

"Because I don't deserve it!" he snaps. "Now get out!"

"Who does?" Ben asks, getting a little louder himself. "Mercy and grace aren't earned, Kenji, they're given."

"Shut up!" Kenji repeats angrily.

"You don't deserve forgiveness or grace or mercy," Ben agrees. "You can't earn it, that's why it's called a gift. A gift is given because the giver wants to, not because the receiver deserves it."

"I don't care," he growls, wanting this conversation to end.

"You hate yourself!" Ben states.

"Doi," Kenji lets out a chuckle, trying to keep his tears at bay.

"You feel like you've gone beyond forgiveness and don't deserve any love or affection," he continues, hitting hard. "You feel unworthy of any good or kindness. You know your past better than anyone. You know all your faults. You know all your mistakes. You know all of that, and that's why you refuse forgiveness."

For once in the argument, Kenji was silent, not arguing anything Ben was saying.

"That's why you hold yourself to an impossible standard," he states. "Cause you're trying to fix your life yourself. On your own. Because you don't deserve help, do you? Narcissistic, old Kenji doesn't need help. He doesn't deserve help. No, why would he deserve help? He's hurt others! He's been selfish! Asking for help would be selfish! He doesn't deserve help. Kenji must fix his life on his own!"

Kenji clenches his teeth, trying to keep it together.

"You know that you deserve to burn in Hell," Ben says, quieter this time. "You know it, and you hate it. That's why when Sammy accepted you, you thought you were doing better. When her family accepted you, you thought you were better. You found your redemption through her. You found your salvation through her. She was your way of making up for your mistakes."

Hot tears of shame slip out against his will.

"But then you guys broke up," Ben shrugs. "And you're blaming yourself for it. Because earning Sammy's love was your way of redeeming yourself. And you failed at that. Brooklynn attempting suicide was just the icing on the cake. No, why wouldn't it be your fault she's dying? Why wouldn't it be because of you? Because Sammy's rejection told you that you'll never be good enough. You'll never achieve forgiveness. You'll never be able to do anything right. Surely, it must be your fault. Everything is."

"Just go…" Kenji trembles, hating confrontation like this.

Ben sighs. "You blame yourself because there is nothing else you can do, so making it your fault gives you a fake sense of control over the situation."

"Get out!" Kenji roars, swinging at Ben who ducks back.

"You don't have to blame yourself for this," he pushes. "You don't have to carry around guilt as punishment for your past actions. You're forgiven."

"How can you believe any of that bulls***?!" Kenji shouts. "How can you act like forgiveness is free?! So just anybody can be forgiven?! Anyone?! How about that man?! Huh?! The guy in the video?! That monster! After what he did to her?! Do you still believe forgiveness is for everyone?!"

"After what he did to her, how can you see yourself as unforgivable?" Ben shrugs. "You're blaming yourself for her suicide. Are you worse than him?"

"Get out!" Kenji shouts, shoving Ben's shoulder away from him.

Ben finally concedes and steps out of the car. Kenji drives out of the parking lot, feeling him stare into his soul through the rearview mirror.

---

Kenji drives back to the airbnb, and sits in his car. His hands were shaking. His whole body was shaking. Adrenaline was still coursing through his veins after that argument. He was mad at Ben… Mad at him for everything he said… And feeling guilty about hitting him…

Ben wasn't… wasn't entirely wrong… with some of it…

Looking through the window, he notices a slip of paper underneath his windshield wipers. Curious—and worried it was a parking ticket or something—he steps out of the car and picks it up. It was one envelope and a sticky note. "This was found in Brooklynn's room by the police. I didn't want to interrupt your talk with Ben. - Milton."

Sitting back down in the drivers seat, Kenji tentatively opens it. "Dear Kenji," the letter read. "If you've gotten ahold of this, then I guess I'm already gone. Maybe you're reading this not too long after hearing the news. Maybe you're reading it after my memorial."

"She… she really wanted to die…" the depressing realization sinks in.

"No matter when you read this, I'm sorry," Brooklynn wrote. "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you. Both in person and in death. I know losing me hurts. But I also know that keeping me hurts, no matter how much you'll deny it. I know how highly you thought of me, but that image is a fraud, Kenji."

"No, I knew the real you!" Kenji sniffs. "I knew you! You have the fraud image!"

"I have a secret," Brooklynn admitted. "A dark, dirty secret. Don't try to figure it out. It's best you don't know. Footage of said secret was released the night I unalived myself. Don't try to find it. Don't watch it. Your image of me is fake, but at least it made you happy. You don't want to see it. I know you wouldn't be able to look at me the same way afterwards. That's why I left. For the good of the group."

"It didn't!" Kenji about shouts. "It didn't change how I see you, it wasn't your fault!"

"If you do happen to come across the video, I apologize. Don't pity me. I brought that upon myself."

"You didn't! It wasn't your fault!"

"It's my fault I got into that mess, and I don't want to drag you guys in. It's potentially dangerous, Kenji. Don't try to figure it out or get revenge or anything. Just drop it and move on."

Kenji ponders her words for a moment… Given everything that happened in that video… It was likely she was threatened… Coerced into silence… Her loved ones lives threatened if she spoke out… She had a point about it being dangerous for the other campers…

But then again, they were stronger in numbers… What could one man do against Isla Nublar survivors—one of which who was prone to murderous fantasies and another who was proficient with a rifle—an entire family of gun-toting rednecks, a lawyer, a massive bodybuilder, and the rest of Brooklynn's supportive found family?

"You could've trusted us with this secret," Kenji sadly thinks, a tear spilling out.

"I love you, Kenji," Brooklynn continued. "I love you all. That's why I'm doing this. I know it'll hurt, but it's better for you all. Trust me. I know you see me like a little sister. And I love you like an older brother. I know you would be ready to kill to protect me. And I thank you for it. I truly do appreciate that. It's just that I'm not worthy of that protection. Focus that energy into the other younger girls. Be the big brother to them that you were to me."

He wanted to cry… But only one tear at a time could slip out.

"You're better than you think you are, Kenji. So much better. I know that you feel terrible about who you used to be, but you weren't half as bad as you believe. I'm way worse than you. Trust me."

The dam breaks and he curls into himself as best he could in the car seat. "No wonder she tried to kill herself… Thinking you're worse than me would do that to you," guilt hisses.

"Move on from me," Brooklynn encouraged. "It'll be hard, I know. But you have to move on. Don't get stuck in the past or try to shut down and not feel anything. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have your friends and family with you. Forget about me. Move on and live your life with them. You'll be happier without me. I know you don't think so, but you will be. Please, move on. I love you, Kenji. Please don't blame yourself for my death. It's not your fault. It's truly not your fault. You were the best big brother I could have. You and Brandon. You stepped up when Milton wasn't there. I thank you. Don't blame yourself. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you. I love you."

Silent sobs turn to wails, and wails turn to screaming. That pit in his stomach finally unleashes itself and he screams until his throat is raw. No words came out, only primal, grieved cries.

"Why did this have to happen to her?!" he wails. "Why?! She didn't deserve it! She deserves so much better! It's not your fault! None of this is your fault, Brook! You're so innocent… So pure and innocent… Why did that b****** have to do this to you?!"

"You don't deserve it," he rasps out. "This isn't your fault… I'm sorry, Brook…"

As his sobs subside and his emotions begin to dull again, his phone buzzes. He halfheartedly checks it. "Leah's at the hospital. I'm going to kill her. I'm going to f***ing kill her," Yasmina texts. "I have a f***ing knife. I'm going to do it."

Kenji didn't doubt it. He did not doubt that Yasmina would kill Leah for real. The athlete wasn't exaggerating. If there wasn't an intervention, Leah would be dead.

He wasn't about to stop Yasmina. He wanted Leah dead as much as her. He wanted the guy in the video dead more, but Leah was a nice start. "Find out who the guy is first," Kenji texts back. Maybe if they found out through Leah, they could find the man who did this to Brooklynn. Perhaps he could find him on his own… He was Brooklynn's ballet teacher. Shouldn't be too hard to find his name… "I'll search for his identity."

"You do that, I'm gonna kill her," Yasmina sends. He could feel the psychopathic killer tone through the text. Yasmina was going all in.

Adrenaline begins to race through him again. They were going to avenge Brooklynn. They were going to avenge her death. She may have been taken by this monster… But he wasn't going to get away with it. He would pay, rest assured. And not at the hands of law. No, this would be more personal. Yasmina and Kenji would make sure he was paid in full the pain he caused Brooklynn.

"I'll go to trial again, and this time, I'll be found guilty," a thought whispers.

It was enough to make him pause, reminding him of the accusations Lydia brought against him. That scandal… While the scandal itself wasn't too damaging, it was the driving force behind it that scared him… InGen… The man who chased after him and Brooklynn with the gun… InGen wanted to discredit anything they could say against them by tarnishing their reputation… If Yasmina committed murder…

Fear sets in. Forget about InGen, Yasmina would be imprisoned! So what if Leah and the guy irreversibly hurt Brooklynn, Yasmina would still get in trouble! The legal thing would be to wait for due justice. Yasmina wouldn't wait for that… If she killed them both, she would be tried and found guilty. She would have to do time. It doesn't matter what the circumstances were behind it. Yasmina couldn't get away with it. If it was self-defense or defending a friend, then they would have a leg to stand on. But Yasmina was intentionally seeking out those two. She wouldn't have any alibi.

The other option would be hiding the body and covering up the crime scene. If Leah was at the hospital… Yasmina would be doing this in public. There would be no way to hide the body and cover up the crime scene. And they had no experience hiding a body! Maybe the Gutierrez family could, if all their talk had action behind it… If Yasmina did this, she would be in jail for sure.

"Yaz, hold on, they can receive justice legally," Kenji starts texting. "We have proof. We can take them to court and get them both in prison. We don't have to kill them."

"Yaz doesn't want justice, she wants revenge," it dawns on him.

Yasmina didn't want these guys to receive justice… She wanted them dead. She wanted them to be paid back everything they did to Brooklynn. Rotting in prison wasn't enough for the athlete. She wanted them to suffer and die. The justice system wouldn't satisfy her. She wasn't going to be satisfied.

"Yaz, don't do this!" he texts furiously, desperately trying to get through to her. "They can be arrested and put in prison, you don't have to kill them! You'll go to prison! You can't do this! Please, we're losing Brooklynn, don't make us lose you!"

All of his messages were left unread. Yasmina wasn't listening to reason.

His heart in his throat, Kenji whips out of the parking lot and heads back to the hospital. He had to stop her. As much as he wanted Brooklynn's abusers dead, Yasmina couldn't do this… She couldn't go to jail. They'd lose her. Who knows how long she'd be in. It would damage her. The athlete wasn't in her right mind. They couldn't do this!

"Yaz, please! Don't!" he texts quickly at a red light.

He felt like he was losing everyone… He was losing his dad—not that he had him to begin with. He was losing Sammy. He was or already had lost Brooklynn. And now Yasmina? Who else would he lose? Who else would die or push him away or self-destruct?!

His heart begins to grow cold… He had already lost one sister… And if Yasmina killed Leah, he would lose another… "If Yasmina does this, I'll hate her. I'll hate her if she goes to prison," something dark inside him whispers.

He struggles against the urge to do so. He didn't hate Yasmina… But a part of him wanted to… Because if he lost her… If he lost everyone… He wouldn't survive… He had already lost so many people that day… He couldn't love her… He couldn't love Yasmina if he was going to lose her…

Kenji arrives at the hospital and jets towards the entrance. Where would Yasmina do it? Where would Leah be? Would she do it in the parking lot? In an empty hospital room? In the hallway? In Brooklynn's room? Was he too late?!

"Kenji?" someone speaks his name and he whirls around. Roxie and Dave approach him from the parking lot. "We came as soon as we could," Roxie explains, trotting to catch up to him.

"You okay, kiddo?" Dave asks. "Well, within reason? Your face is a little pale—"

"Fine, fine!" Kenji says quickly, desperate to find Yasmina. Or Leah. Whoever he could find first.

"What's going on?" Roxie asks, noticing his panic.

Kenji tries to push past them to get to the hospital. "I have to get to Yaz!"

"Yasmina is safe," Roxie tells.

"No, you don't understand," Kenji insists, struggling to get past them.

"She's with Ben," Dave tells him, gently but firmly grabbing Kenji's arms. "What's going on?"

"I have to find Yaz!" he struggles. "She's going to kill Leah! She'll go to jail! She can't! She can't be allowed to do this! We'll lose her!"

"Slow your roll, Kenji, she's with Ben," Dave says.

"Ben won't allow Yasmina to kill Leah," Roxie assures him. "She's not going to go to jail."

"You don't know her!" Kenji hyperventilates. "She'll find a way! We're going to lose her! We're going to lose her!"

"It's going to be okay," Dave insists, guiding him to sit down on the sidewalk. "Seriously, I think you're overestimating Yaz."

"You don't know her!" Kenji snaps. "She's going mad! She wants revenge! She's going to kill Leah and that guy!"

"What guy?" Roxie asks.

Their voices don't penetrate the sound of his own heartbeat, getting louder and faster as he panics. "She's going to kill them! She's going to go to prison! We're going to lose her! I'm losing everyone! She needs to be stopped! She needs to be helped! She's after the wrong person, it's my fault…"

"Kenji, what are you talking about?" Roxie asks. "What's your fault?"

"Brooklynn doesn't deserve this…" he pants. "She doesn't deserve this…"

"Eh… How is this your fault?" Dave asks. "You didn't… You didn't kill Brooklynn. This was a suicide."

"Brooklynn doesn't deserve this…" he whimpers, weakly giving up on finding his psychopathic friend. "It's my fault…"

"K-Kenji, no, it's not," Roxie insists.

"Guilt and self-blame runs rampant in this group," Dave mutters under his breath. "Look, buddy… I know this is hard, but… you can't blame yourself for this."

"She doesn't deserve this…" he insists. "This is punishment… Watching her die."

"You… You think you're being punished for something and that's why Brooklynn's going through this?" Roxie frowns. "Kenji, no."

"That's not how this works," Dave rubs his back. "It's not your fault."

"Then why did this happen to her?!" he snaps, not giving them a chance to answer. "It's because of me! There's no way it can't be! She doesn't deserve this… It's my fault. I'm a horrible person… I tried to pretend I was better. I fooled myself. I thought I was better… I should've just let it go! I can't change! I can't love anyone! I'm a narcissist… Just when I was fooling myself into thinking I could be selfless, I lost Brooklynn… This is karma… Everyone would be better off with me…"

His breathing slows as he goes numb. "Don't think about it… Think about something else…" he tells himself, trying to go numb… Trying to feel nothing. It was better than this…

"I think this is an attempt to cope with all of this," he hears Dave whisper.

"Kenji, listen, stop," Roxie says, gently grabbing his shoulders. "This isn't your fault, I promise you. It's… what did this 'guy' do?"

"He… He raped Brooklynn," Kenji mumbles.

Dave and Roxie stare at him in shock for a moment. "Th-that…" Dave stutters. "How? When?"

"There was a video," Kenji admits. "Leah released a video, but it was edited. Somebody sent us the real one… It was pre-island…"

"Kenji…" Roxie says, her previously soothing tone now masking justified rage. "Okay, first of all… How can you blame yourself for her suicide attempt after knowing that?"

"It's my fault she went through that…" Kenji sniffs.

"But if this was pre-island, then you didn't know her, so how could you have affected this?" Dave asks.

Kenji blinks at the ground, trying to come up with an excuse for why Dave was wrong…

"Kenji, it's not your fault," Roxie says softly. "This is that b******'s fault. He's the one who hurt Brooklynn. That sort of thing damages you. It struck a wound in her heart. She hid it away from everyone and that allowed the wound to fester. That part… was Brooklynn's fault. She refused to open up and receive help."

"But—" he starts to protest.

"The blame is on the guy for harming her," Roxie interrupts him. "Some of the blame is on Leah for posting the video. Some of it is on her parents for not noticing or paying attention… And the little bit of blame left is on Brooklynn for refusing help."

"We should've tried more," Kenji insists.

"We offered her so many chances to receive help," Dave reminds him. "So many chances. This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. You did your best."

"I should've done better!" he starts tearing up. "I should've tried harder!"

"Kenji, you did the best you could," she sighs. "We all did. You can't blame yourself."

"I can't have friends." His tears won't stop. "They don't deserve me… I don't deserve them…"

Kenji, those are the same thoughts that ran through Brooklynn's head," Roxie states firmly. "Those thoughts are what led to all of this. She wanted to die because she felt her friends would be better off without her."

"She didn't do anything wrong!" Kenji snaps. "It's not her fault! It's mine!"

"Why is it yours?" Roxie asks. "What did you do?"

"This is punishment," he repeats, pulling his knees up to his chest.

"Punishment for what?" Dave asks.

"For being a horrible person…" Kenji cries.

"Why would Brooklynn get killed to punish you for being a bad person?" Roxie asks.

Kenji is silent for a moment, then wipes his eyes. "I… Because… I don't deserve… any friends… or loved ones… So watching her die is my… punishment?"

"Who's punishing you?" Dave asks.

"... The universe?" Kenji says, questioning it himself. "Karma? God? Something? Whatever rules the way things work? If you do bad, you should get bad things in return. And… Brooklynn doesn't deserve bad things, so then it would have to be someone close to her who's forced to watch her suffer as punishment…"

… His whole mindset was starting to sound stupid the more he said it aloud…

"So, what are you getting punished for?" Roxie asks. "Watching a friend die is… a pretty serious punishment."

Kenji thinks for a moment. "I don't know… Just… being a bad person…"

"How were you a bad person?" he questions.

"... You know… You were my camp counselors…" he mutters. "I was rebellious…"

"So is Yasmina," Roxie points out.

"I was self-absorbed," he sniffs.

"Brooklynn was, too," Dave shrugs. "Just a tad."

"I was annoying," Kenji whispers.

"Who isn't from time to time?" Dave laughs.

"I… had many girlfriends…" he grasps at straws.

"So did your dad," Roxie reasons. "Did he watch someone he loved die?"

"My Mom…" Kenji murmurs.

"Was that before or after his many girlfriends?"

"... After…"

"So, you're being punished for being an obnoxious teen boy?" Dave shrugs.

"Do you think that warrants losing someone dear to you?" Roxie asks.

"... No…" he mumbles.

"Then why are you so convinced it's because you're a bad person?" Dave asks.

"I don't know…" Kenji admits. "I just…" His heart begins to try to shut him up. Shove everything that was bubbling up back down. Keep all these old, suppressed feelings locked up tightly. "I…"

"It's okay," Dave whispers, rubbing his back encouragingly.

"I'm just not… meant to… be loved…" he admits through gritted teeth. His entire tough, comedic persona fought against saying it outloud… But something inside him was yearning to say it… The child inside was trying to be let out…

"What do you mean?" Dave asks.

"I'm not… meant to be loved…" he repeats. "Why… Why else did Dad leave? Why else did he not care? I was five… What did I do wrong? I didn't do anything wrong… What did I do wrong? Did I do something wrong? Was I a bad kid? Was that why Dad didn't care? Am I unlovable?"

Roxie and Dave pull him into a hug as he breaks down. "So you felt… unloved… because your Father emotionally abandoned you as a child," Roxie breathes.

"He's still hardly here," Kenji sobs into her shoulder.

"So… you tried to find a reason for why he wouldn't love you," she sighs. "In hopes that maybe you could fix it?"

"Yeah…" he cries, knowing it was true. He just never could put it into words…

"It's okay…" she whispers softly.

Guilt rises up. Why was he receiving help and Brooklynn was dying?! "I love Brooklynn," he takes a shaky breath. "I want her to be happy. I want her to be alive. I want her to be better. It's my fault…"

"It's not your fault," Dave insists.

Roxie thinks for a moment. "Maybe you're… blaming yourself because… it gives you some form of control over the situation? Because if it's your fault, then perhaps you could fix it?"

"And that's why I can't accept Sammy's stated reason for breaking up," a thought surfaces. "Because it's not about me… The reason has nothing to do with me… I can't change her mind. I didn't break us apart. And I can't accept that because then I can't fix it… That's why I blame myself for Brooklynn's attempt. Because then maybe I can fix it… That's why I blame myself for my Dad's abandonment… Maybe I blame myself for Mom's death, too…"

He shuts his eyes tight, but he couldn't deny it… "Yeah… Maybe just a little bit…"

"Let it go," Dave tells him softly. "It's not your fault and you don't have to fix it. Bad things happen to good people sometimes."

"And you don't have to earn love," Roxie tells him, giving him a gentle, motherly squeeze. "You don't have to fix yourself and fix all your flaws to be loved. You're not unlovable. You're not too far gone to be loved."

"You don't have to earn love," her voice repeats.

"You are forgiven," Ben's words come back.

"What if I'm too far gone?" fear quivers, his coping mechanisms trying hard to suppress everything. His mind and heart refused to allow issues to surface. He couldn't break. He couldn't think about them. That's why he had survived for so long… His mind was trying to pretend nothing was wrong…

But he had to address it to fix it…

"I'm not worth any help. I'll never amount to anything. I'm too far gone to be helped."

"I'm not too far gone…"

"My love is gone…"

"I'm not too far gone."

"No one can love me."

"I am loved."

"My love is gone…"

---

Outro note:

Next chapter: Before You Go. Darius's POV.

Posting date: _