Near Death Experience – Chapter 14
A/N: Conversations. This chapter is primarily a series of conversations between John and Joss, with some general narrative sprinkled in between. Bear will also appear and we will spend a little time with another character towards the end of the chapter.
Reese watched the winter sun set, throwing the loft into semi-darkness, lit only by the lights of the nearby buildings. Joss was curled up next to him, her small hands barely grazing his chest, brow slightly crinkled as if she was pondering a question, even as she slept.
While Joss was the one who was sleeping, Reese felt like he was the one who was dreaming, repeating those four words over and over again in his head as he gazed at her, a sweet, silent lullaby that caused his breathing to slow and his muscles to relax as if he had fallen asleep, even though he was wide awake.
I love you, John.
He wanted to let her sleep, but he knew he couldn't.
Slipping quietly from the bed, Reese stepped into the kitchen, made a phone call and then returned to the main living area.
"Joss," he touched her hand. "Wake up."
Joss' eyes slowly opened and then she shot straight up, looking around the darkened space. "What time is it?"
"You're okay. When you're ready, I'll take you home."
Joss rolled her shoulders, then cocked an eyebrow at him. "So, did I snore, drool, spill that when I was twelve I wanted to marry El DeBarge*?"
"Nothing quite that scandalous, Detective." Reese smiled softly, handing Joss her phone. "No, you were silent, drool free…and beautiful, Joss."
Their eyes met, then Joss ducked her head and scooted off the bed. Reese walked into the bath, listening to the soft murmur of her voice as she called her son. He pulled out fresh towels from the linen closet, his comb and brush from a shelf in the medicine cabinet, then opened a container in the vanity and took out an unwrapped toothbrush, placing everything on the wide counter surrounding the sink. Stepping back out in the main space, Reese tilted his head towards the bath and Joss nodded, moving quietly past him.
Several minutes later she came back out, hair loose, face fresh, the jasmine scented lotion he had purchased for her wafting lightly through the air. He watched her walk over to the coffee table, take her earrings out of the little covered bowl and put them on.
Reese helped her into her coat, his hands lingering on her shoulders. Joss stood there for a moment, and then she stepped forward. They left the apartment, making their way to the concierge's office in the lobby.
Staffed round the clock, the employees were highly skilled, well trained and most importantly, extremely discreet. Reese had spoken to them less than a dozen times since he moved in. A resident who paid his maintenance fees months in advance, tipped generously, seldom asked for anything, and never, ever complained was a rare thing, so after an initial flurry of interest, they'd happily left him alone.
Reese suspected that the staff was aware that Joss had entered the building hours ago. Designed to look like just a plain metal key, indistinguishable from billions of others, the keys to the lofts were actually sophisticated electronic tools, individually set for the building and for each unit. You could control who, when and how long someone could access your apartment.
Reese had found several ways to bypass the system when he first moved in, and while he had eliminated the most glaring ones, he kept the rest of them to himself, ensuring that he would always be able to enter and leave the building undetected when he chose to.
The only other woman who had ever been in Reese's apartment was Maxine Angelis, and Reese had escorted her in. Joss was the first and only woman to not only enter his place on her own, but to use a key programmed specifically for her. When Finch had given Joss a key – and Reese knew he must have – his friend would have updated the system as well.
The concierge's eyes flickered appreciatively on Joss, then his face assumed the bland impersonal warmth of someone used to dealing with people and their problems all day long. Nodding to them both, he handed Reese a large insulated container. "Pad Thai, as requested."
Reese knew that Pad Thai was one of Taylor's favorites. Joss' lips quirked, but she didn't say anything, as Reese thanked him.
Reese led her to the parking garage, and they slipped into a sleek, yet non-descript vehicle.
"Sheila E.**," he said quietly.
Joss chuckled softly. "I can see that."
Reese smiled, but didn't say anything more.
They were silent as he drove to her neighborhood. While there were several empty spaces in front of Joss' building, without prompting, Reese pulled into a spot at the end of the block.
Joss opened the passenger door, the cold night air rushing in and swirling around them. Reese reached across her lap, intertwining the fingers of his right hand with hers. "Talk to you tomorrow, Joss."
She pressed her palm against his, hard, the sudden movement tender, bold and erotic, reminding him all too vividly how fiercely their bodies had claimed each other the night before. Reese closed his eyes, fighting the urge to lunge forward, pull the car door shut and take off with her. Joss slowly pulled her hand free, but just as their fingers parted, Reese opened his eyes and saw that her eyes were opening, too.
"Yeah. See you tomorrow, John."
Reese watched her walk away, her red coat a shimmering beacon in the darkness. He waited until she entered her building, then eased his car into the early evening traffic.
XXX
Talk.
The ultimate four letter word for some people.
You can show love, and you can show hate, without having to speak of it, but you cannot show talk.
You have to do it.
Ironically, for two people who had dedicated their lives, indeed prided themselves as being doers, rather than talkers, John Reese and Jocelyn Carter had talked from the very beginning.
But this was different.
They had created their own language before, a lexicon of sighs, and smirks, and shy glances, of banter, and flirting and snark. They had added to that language with the interrogation at Riker's and even with the vicious, heartrending exchange on that rusty, snow covered staircase.
But still, this was different.
The silence had almost destroyed them, so they knew they had to talk, wanted to talk, needed to talk.
And so slowly, carefully, as though they were making their way across a foreign land with only a few words and phrases between them, they began to talk.
XXX
It was as if nothing had changed, Joss thought. Almost.
She'd met John at some properly deserted location. He'd handed her a cup of coffee, made just the way she liked it. They'd talked about the things they'd always talked about, their voices slipping into that familiar rhythm, the dance between them that was always quicker, sharper, better than it was with anyone else.
Joss was struck by how much she had missed this, the simple pleasure of just seeing him, watching how the light played with the sharp angles of his cheeks and nose and chin, the elegance of his large hands, the way that he seemed so relaxed, almost motionless, when she knew that in a second he could move with breathtaking speed. She had missed the purr of his voice, the way he smelled, a unique blend of soap, coffee and doughnuts, sprinkled with just a pinch of gunpowder. She had missed his smile.
She had missed the way he looked at her.
But eventually the talk slowed, as they knew it would and they sat there, sipping quietly, the steam alternately obscuring and then revealing their faces.
Fusco often made jokes about John's stoicism, calling him nicknames like Lockjaw, Marblehead and Stoneface, but Joss knew that John Reese could say more with a twitch of his lips or a raised eyebrow than any person she had ever known.
Like he was doing now.
His head was tilted slightly towards her. Waiting, knowing she had something to say.
She had fallen asleep so easily in his bed, had craved the heat of his body when their fingers intertwined in the car, had sat in the darkness on her couch for hours last night, turning the key to his apartment over and over in her hands, wanting, wanting, wanting him.
Joss knew that the inferno that had ignited that night in the freezing cold, would destroy them just as certainly as the silence between them almost had.
They would burn and burn and burn for each other, until there was nothing left.
"We can't be lovers, John. Not yet."
His eyelids flickered, long lashes fluttering against his pale skin.
She knew, and she knew that he knew, there were things that needed to be said, before they could truly be together.
After a long moment, John nodded.
"Talk to you tomorrow, John," she whispered.
"Yeah, see you tomorrow, Joss."
Joss placed the key Finch had given her on the bench and walked quickly away.
XXX
Despite the cold, they met outside as much as possible. Perhaps it was the memory of that cramped interrogation room, or the bloody twisted metal of Donnelly's car or even the long, narrow bridge where he caught them, but they craved open spaces, rooftops and parks and plazas, vacant lots along the river, places where they could see a wide vista, or as wide as you could in the city. When it rained or snowed, Reese brought a huge custom made umbrella, big enough for three people, or two people and a dog, as he often brought Bear with him.
Bear would pull on his leash and his nose would twitch in delight as they ventured down uneven paths and steep, broken stairs, spots that were off-limits in his walks with Finch, filled with snow and mud and deliciously icy puddles of water, plants struggling to throw off the last vestiges of winter and claim their place in the sun again, and on one moonlight night, a fox, silkily making his way past them, the ultimate stealth operative.
He learned Joss' first name during these walks and when Reese said it one day in the library, Bear leapt to his feet, grabbed his leash between his teeth and stood expectantly in front of Reese, ready to go.
Bear had always liked Joss, but now his brain associated these wonderful adventures with her. Reese would whisper the word 'Joss' in his ear and Bear would bark happily, claws scrabbling on the old wooden floors, and race towards the library's exit, almost as eager to see her as the man accompanying him.
XXX
"Why did she need you?"
Reese shrugged, gave her a slow smirk.
"Yeah, 'cause you're a badass." Joss smirked in reply. "But really, why did Stanton need you? She had Snow, she had the hard drive, she must have already selected her target, familiarized herself with its defenses. She had to have other ways of getting onto that floor, John."
Joss tilted her head at him, her brow crinkling. "So…why did she want you there?"
There could be a million reasons, and none, Reese thought, as to why Kara really wanted him there. She'd known that he was in the city for months, known that Snow had tried to kill him, known about Joss. She'd tracked his movements closely enough to know exactly where he was that night, when she launched her attack.
Perhaps she'd simply wanted another body there to account for her presence. Perhaps she didn't think that Snow could deliver. Perhaps other options had fallen through.
Perhaps it was her contempt that instead of just following orders, he had hesitated, had tried to tell her about Snow's directive to eliminate her at Ordos, had been the Boy Scout, right to the very end.
Or perhaps it was just that he had the audacity to still be alive after she shot him.
Reese didn't answer, and for once, Joss didn't push, but the question lingered.
XXX
"You didn't kill him, Joss. You didn't pull the trigger."
"I know. But I do bear some responsibility for Donnelly's death, John."
"Joss –"
She held up her hand, stopping him. "I've accepted it, John." Joss looked across the river. She took a deep, shuddering breath, a raw, keening sound that rattled her small frame, one not of self-recrimination or guilt or shame, but of a simple sense of grief, a sadness that someone she had known, was gone.
Finally she turned to John and while his eyes were full of tears, her eyes were clear, and her voice was steady.
"I've also accepted that I'd do it again. It was the right thing to do, John. Sometimes…you have to live with doing the right thing as much as doing the wrong thing."
She didn't need to say more. She knew he understood, if not for himself, then at least for her.
He kissed her hand and they watched a flock of birds soar across the river until they faded from view.
XXX
Sometimes Reese would bring a ball and toss it to Bear while he and Joss talked. One day she held out her palm.
Reese raised an eyebrow.
Joss raised both of hers.
He handed her the ball.
It turned out that Joss had played on a number of different softball teams since she was a kid, right through her time at the Police Academy, including a game winning home run during a hotly contested match with the FDNY's Fire Academy team.
Reese could see her as a young girl, hair tightly plaited, body coiled like a spring as she prepared to steal another base – no artifice or guile, just sheer determination and the power of her will. She'd dive into base headfirst, knocking the opposing player over if she could, but also acknowledging them if she got beaten.
He wasn't surprised when she said that her position was shortstop.
Reese couldn't help staring at her smooth even throwing motion, the way her hair rippled in the breeze, the warm shimmer of her skin in the sunlight. Joss quickly mastered the Dutch commands, laughing out loud as Bear performed some incredible acrobatics catching her tosses, sometimes it seemed, Reese thought, just for her benefit.
She saw him watching her. "Don't tell me, I throw like a girl."
"A very good girl. I like it."
Bear would retrieve the ball and trot back over to them. His head would swivel back and forth, and then he would drop the ball on the ground, neatly between them.
XXX
"People have kids, John. I have a kid." Joss folded her arms as they left the rooftop. "Would you say the same thing to Fusco?"
Reese shook his head. "No," as they stepped in the freight elevator.
He watched her take a deep breath, saw that she was trying not to react. Slowly, Joss unfolded her arms and waited.
"Lionel wouldn't have done what you did, Joss," Reese said softly.
The elevator shuddered as it made its way down. Reese heard voices as they approached the next floor and he opened the control panel, swiftly overriding the controls, a string of muffled curses following them as they shot past.
She turned to look at him. "Did you know I had a child when you met me after you were shot, John?"
Reese's mind flashed back to that cool, clear morning. Finch's disapproving gaze when he left the library to meet her, the twinges from still healing wounds when he had to swerve to avoid colliding with someone who suddenly stopped in front of him on the sidewalk, the look in her eyes when he sat down across from her.
He remembered standing close enough behind her to smell her perfume, the brief touch of her skin when he handed her the phone, the pale lilac shirt he'd worn that day.
He remembered the little flutter, deep in his belly, when she told him that she wanted to know more.
Reese nodded slowly, "Yes."
"But that was okay, because it was about saving other people, right, John?" Her eyes flashed as she walked past him, yanking the straps and opening the front panel. "It wasn't okay when it was just about saving you."
Joss stepped out into the sunlight, shading her eyes from the sudden glare.
Reese didn't answer her. After a moment, she started walking away.
"See you tomorrow, Joss."
She didn't look back. "Yeah, talk to you tomorrow, John."
They didn't communicate for the rest of the day.
The next morning Reese went to the spot they had agreed to meet before they left the rooftop where Joss had helped him install some surveillance equipment yesterday. He'd brought Bear with him, and the dog stepped forward, wagging his tail, sensing Joss' presence before she exited the pedestrian tunnel, punctual as always.
Joss paused for a moment when she saw them. She nodded, just a tiny tilt of her chin and then she walked over to where they were standing on the deserted baseball diamond, the grass around the base paths glittering with frost.
"So does Bear know he's being used as…" her brow crinkled, "the animal version of a 'human shield', John?"
Joss put her arms around the dog, ruffling his fur.
"He hasn't complained – so far."
Joss straightened up, took a step back. "Day's still young."
One of the lapels on Joss' coat had gotten flipped up when she hugged Bear. Leaning forward across the space between them, Reese gently smoothed it down. Joss glanced at his hand and then her eyes met his. They stared at each other, silent, the whizzing sound of cars on the highway overhead the only sound around them.
"You did too much, Joss," Reese finally said.
Bear yawned. He lay down, resting his head on his paws.
"I'm always going to do too much, John. Sold the most Girl Scout cookies, collected the most money for UNICEF, handed in a twenty page paper when all they asked for was ten. That's not going to change, no matter how many times you tell -" her voice softened. "You would have done the same for me."
"That's different, Joss."
"It's not, but I'm not going to convince you of that today, and this guy," she looked down at Bear, "needs his walk."
As they fell in step together, Joss said, "It's not that you're special. I just like to do my best."
"I'll keep that in mind, Detective."
"You do that."
XXX
"So either way, Snow wanted you both dead. Shot or blown to bits." She tilted her head at Reese. "Think he watched the aerial footage of that cruise missile drop over and over?"
Reese smiled thinly. "With popcorn and soda…and his hand between his legs."
Joss shook her head, her lips twitching. "Maybe later. He wasn't much of a multi-tasker."
She leaned back on the park bench. "Thanks…for telling me what you could." He watched her slender hands smooth her coat over her knees. "You were with her a long time, John."
Reese looked at her sharply. "Stanton was my partner, Joss. You make it sound like –"
"What it was." She turned her body fully towards his. "How much of what you couldn't tell me that day in the coffee shop was about your relationship with her?"
Reese raised his face towards the sky, covered in steel gray clouds. "I don't know, Joss." He slowly turned his body towards hers, looking into her dark questioning eyes. "If I had said something that day…" he imagined a cascade of different actions, different outcomes.
"I think…what happened would have happened, John. She wanted to take you. She wanted to kill Donnelly." Her voice was soft. "She should have killed me too, John."
"Snow said that she left you alive to take as a hostage later, if I wasn't cooperating."
Joss nodded slowly, taking that piece of information in. "So, a lot of planning, and a lot of moving parts. All to get you on that floor."
XXX
"Taylor has his smile." Joss said quietly as they stood at the crosswalk.
Reese forced himself not to react, waiting for Joss to say something more. She had never spoken of her husband directly, referring to him obliquely, like when they had a brief conversation while on a stake out months ago.
The convention center was hosting a huge city-wide scholastic music event, and the streets and sidewalks were full of people streaming towards the main auditorium. They blended seamlessly into the crowd, filled mostly with families, as they tracked their quarry, a balding middle-aged man.
"When Taylor was a baby, he never wanted to sleep – so much energy. But anytime that boy was in a car – boom, lights out…my husband would ride him around the block until he fell asleep."
"Bet he gave up some good parking spots – must have been love."
Joss laughed. "Yeah, he did!" she smiled softly. "And it was. He'd walk up the block with Taylor sleeping peacefully in his arms, with that grin on his face. I'd want to fuss at him, but I couldn't." Her eyes lingered on a father carrying his son on his shoulders. "He would be so proud of Taylor."
"You ever wonder how things could have been different, Joss?"
"In the beginning I did, but that kept me from remembering the good things. I decided - I had, to focus on that."
"So every time Taylor smiles…"
She nodded. "Yeah."
They watched the man approach a tall, angular looking woman near the entrance to the auditorium. She looked surprised to see him, but then he opened his arms and she stepped into them. The couple hugged and kissed as though they hadn't seen each other for an eternity, even though they had just seen each other the night before.
When she tried to kill him.
"I can't believe he went back to her. She's tried to kill him – four times!" Joss hissed, as they watched the couple, music department heads for competing arts academies, enter the building hand in hand. "Next time, get Fusco. I am on the 'Do Not Call' list for those two."
"Where's your sense of romance, Detective? He said she's the love of his life. Of course, in his case, 'life' could be a relative term." John smirked, as they followed the crowd in.
"A mayfly's*** got a better life expectancy than he does, John." She clipped on the forged credential he handed her and they made their way past security.
They watched the couple take their seats in a section reserved for faculty and administrators. He'd be safe during the concert, but Finch had found out that they were both competing for the same prestigious award that was going to be awarded tonight – and that he was going to win it. "You believe in a love of your life, Joss?"
"You mean like some 'great love'?"
John shrugged.
"No. That's like saying one love is better than another, like you're rating them." She stopped, as the crowd surged around them. "I think when you love somebody, you love 'em."
They watched the couple kiss again. "Even if you're a mayfly, Joss?" Reese touched the small of her back, guiding her to seats a few rows behind the loving couple.
The man's head jerked slightly as he saw them out of the corner of his eye. He paled, but then resolutely put his arm around his wife.
"Especially if you're a mayfly, John," Joss said as they sat down. "They have to live a whole lifetime in one day."
XXX
They were careful about how they touched each other, like teens who had signed a purity pledge, as they sometimes directly and bluntly, other times shyly and hesitantly, peeled back the layers they had built around themselves and the feelings they had for each other.
Bear added to his talents by becoming an excellent chaperone, skillfully inserting himself between Reese and Joss, his keen senses noting when there was a subtle change in their voices, a difference in the way they moved towards each other, perhaps even a chemical shift in the air. He would become very protective of Joss, placing his head on her knee, his back to Reese, tail beating against his legs as though he was batting him away. She would lean forward, ruffling his fur, his ears swiveling back and forth as she whispered silly things to him.
Reese began bringing her food, crusty breads, tart marmalades, creamy custards, all created with his own hands. Joss would lie in bed, thinking of those long fingers kneading her flesh, until her thighs were slick and trembling. Reese would stand in the shower, imagining swirling confections disappearing between her full lips, until he stumbled in the stall, his shout echoing off the glistening, splattered tiles.
"When?" he asked quietly one day, intertwining her fingers with his. A sudden driving downpour had forced them to seek shelter in an old boathouse. The rain rattled the metal roof and flashes of lightening illuminated the small boats, waxed and gleaming, while they rested quietly in their racks.
"We'll know when," she replied softly.
They held hands until the rain stopped.
XXX
"Jesus, Joss! You just don't know when to quit!"
Reese jumped up from the bench and started pacing, the sound of his heels crunching in the snow. "Getting choked and almost flattened like a pancake wasn't enough? You wanted to get blown up as well? Snow was in that vest for how long, Joss, and he couldn't get out of it. You knew that. Finch –" he paused, closing his eyes, thinking about her being choked, getting arrested, her scream as her flesh was cut by twisted metal.
He thought about how she must have felt lying there, half conscious, unable to move, hearing Donnelly being shot.
Waiting to die.
Reese turned and faced her. "Harold didn't go through what you did, Joss."
An arctic blast had descended on the city. Even with the bright lights, the sky was full of stars and the air was so cold and clear, it hurt your lungs. Joss looked past him and Reese realized that from the safe house's garden terrace, high above the city, she could see 780 Mercer.
"You didn't know Harold was there." He saw her shoulders hunch, arms sliding over her stomach as though she was hugging herself. "Did you want to die, John?"
Reese squatted down in front of her, looked into her eyes. "I told Harold that it was my past catching up with me. I expected it, deserved it, but no, Joss," Reese knew with a sudden searing clarity, "I didn't want to die."
Her eyes searched his face, then she nodded, her shoulders slowly relaxing. "Maybe I couldn't have defused that bomb, I don't know, John. But I do know, that if I couldn't, that if I'd had to walk away, before…I wanted you to know that you weren't alone."
He drew her hands away from her stomach, enclosing them in his. "I think…I knew that Joss, from the moment I met you."
She nodded. "Yeah."
XXX
"Why did you cut me out of your life?"
Joss had wanted to meet here. Reese leaned against the bridge, his eyes on the Manhattan skyline. The place where Donnelly had captured them looked the same, clean, spare and untouched, right down to the non-functioning surveillance cameras.
"I said that you did too much, Joss, but I wanted too much. I've always wanted too much from you."
She stood beside him, the collar of her red coat turned up against the cold. "So you just swooped in, took over my life, is that it? Did you stop me from being a mother, a daughter, a friend? Did you ever stop me from living the life that I wanted, John?"
Reese turned to look at her, not bothering to keep the skepticism out of his voice. "You saying that your life isn't different now, Joss? That you don't look at the world differently?"
She turned, her voice soft, yet clear and determined. "My choice. You don't make my decisions, John. Even if those decisions are about you."
Reese nodded slowly. He knew he'd struggle with it, but he'd started to make his peace with it. "Ok."
Joss abruptly turned toward the skyline. "Thank you, for agreeing to meet me here. I tried before to come back –" her voice caught, her hand brushing a tear away.
Reese put his arms around her and he held her for a long time.
XXX
"So…a former CIA operative turned rogue, hiring himself out to the highest bidder. A lone, obsessed FBI agent trying to bring him to justice. A manhunt across the streets of New York City. Murder, a private intelligence network, shadowy government agencies, a car wreck, bombs. It would have been a good story, John."
Reese smirked. "I'd watch it."
She gave him that look. "The book would be better."
He made a face.
Joss sighed, rolling her eyes. "Okay, graphic novel. I'll read it to you while you look at the pictures."
"Only if you tuck me in, Detective," Reese smiled. "And kiss me good night."
Reese watched the corners of her mouth turn up slightly as she sipped her coffee.
They sat there quietly for a while, and then Joss' brow crinkled. "The thing is, John, if it had worked, it would have tied everything up in a neat package. 'The Man in a Suit' would have been exposed and eliminated at the same time. All those rumors about a mysterious good guy helping people –" she waved her hand "- gone. You'd be blamed for everything Donnelly accused you of, and a hell of a lot more."
Joss tilted her head at him. "How much damage would those bombs have caused in a DoD facility like that?"
"It was a top level, top security facility, super reinforced floors and walls, extra shielding to protect it against cyber attacks, the works…" Reese thought for a moment. "The one thing unusual about it was its location – most of them are underground or on lower floors due to all the systems and cabling. Even with the extra thick walls, ceiling and floor, an explosion would have been seen, felt and heard."
She nodded. "The rest of the building was evacuated due to the bomb threat, so the appropriate groups had already been notified. Any casualties would have been on that floor – the DoD would have spent most of its time trying to cover up what Stillwater Imports was really doing. Throw in the CIA, FBI, ATF, NYPD, FDNY, Homeland Security, the Mayor's Office –"
"A multi-agency, multi-departmental stew – "
"And whatever Kara Stanton's mission was," Joss' eyes flickered over Reese, "would have been covered up or might even had gone undetected." Her voice softened, "Donnelly would have been the only one asking questions – the only one with enough information to ask the right questions – he had to go. And after my value as a potential hostage went, I would have been next. No loose ends."
We're not walking in the dark. We are the dark.****
Kara knew, when I drew Carter out weeks ago, that she was somehow important to you – knew I wouldn't have risked it otherwise.
A chill went through Reese's body as he realized the full extent of Kara's plan.
He took both of their coffee cups, placing them on the ground. "Kara wouldn't have killed you, Joss."
She shook her head. "That makes no sense, John. I would have known what happened, I could -"
He leaned forward, taking her hands in his. "What would you have known, Joss? What could you have done?"
Reese watched the different emotions fly across her face, at first anger, then disbelief, then a cold, hard realization. "Kara Stanton was declared dead – Finch showed me the paperwork. I wouldn't have any proof that she was alive, much less that she killed Donnelly or engineered this whole thing. Snow stole the hard drive, the ATF guys were incredibly vague about who attacked them and any surviving DoD staffers would have been shipped to some 'undisclosed location'. I couldn't reveal that I was in the car with Donnelly, and if I said the wrong thing or tried to make waves, I'd risk not only implicating myself, but Fusco, too."
She gave a mirthless chuckle. "Even if we worked with Finch and somehow found her, what could we do – turn her over to the CIA? They'd kill her and probably kill us, too."
Joss closed her eyes for a moment, then met his again. "She wanted me to live with it – not just that you were dead, but that she poisoned every good thing that you'd done since you came here. She wanted to destroy you."
Reese nodded, remembering all of Kara's living victims, the ones she had embarrassed, humiliated and savaged, but also the audience, the ones who had to watch. "A witness."
He felt her hands tighten into fists. "A witness who couldn't testify, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything."
Jocelyn Carter, the girl, the woman who always did too much, forced to do nothing. She would have been haunted by it.
"When Snow contacted you, Kara realized that you were important to me, Joss."
Her eyes suddenly had a soft light in them, and she intertwined her fingers with his. "No…she realized that you were starting to heal, John, you were starting to heal."
XXX
Joss handed him a small envelope. Standing up on her toes, she cupped his face. Reese leaned forward, closing his eyes as her warm lips touched his cheek. She walked away without looking back.
Reese lifted the flap on the envelope and pulled out a photograph, the colors as vivid and bright as they were the day it was taken. He felt the back of his thighs hit cold metal and realized that somehow, his body had guided him to the park bench and he was sitting down. A flood of emotions ran through his body, pinning him there, until the park was swathed in darkness.
XXX
It was just before the dinner hour and people were starting to stream into the suburban mall's sprawling food court. Intent on either getting to the front of the line at their eatery of choice or grabbing a table, the shoppers paid no attention to Reese, who had resurrected his suburban uniform from the back of his closet. He waved to the blonde haired woman who rushed in, standing up as she approached his table.
"I'm so sorry I'm late!" she cried, breathlessly. "There was a fender bender on the way in, that snarled up traffic. Thank goodness, nobody was hurt."
"Not a problem, ma'am." Reese smiled as they shook hands and then sat down. He'd seen photos of Jessica's mother Sharon in her apartment, but they had never met.
Her eyes scanned him curiously. "You said you knew my daughter, that you had something that belonged to her."
Reese nodded. He had called her the night before, and after convincing her that he wasn't some crackpot or trying to sell her something, they had agreed to meet here. "I came across it recently. I thought you might like to have it." He handed her the envelope.
She opened the flap, pulling out the photo of that long ago trip to Mexico. "Ohhhh…" Her hand covered her mouth as she gazed at the photo, then her eyes, shining with tears, met his. "You're the soldier Jessie was involved with."
Reese nodded.
"You loved my daughter."
"Very much."
Her fingers ran over the photograph. "Thank you. Thank you so much." She smiled, and in that moment, Reese saw in her face, the woman he once loved.
As he stood to leave, she touched his hand. "Do you have someone, someone to go home to?"
Reese nodded. Someone strong, beautiful, smart, passionate, sexy, stubborn, kind, infuriating, proud, loyal, dedicated, headstrong, tireless, loving.
"I can tell that she's special."
Brave. In so many, many ways, he thought.
Reese smiled. "She's…the bravest person I've ever known."
She nodded, curling her fingers around his. "Jessie would want you to be happy."
He squeezed her hand. "Thank you."
Reese walked quickly out of the mall and drove back to the city, the traffic light as all the commuters were heading out of town. He reached Joss' street in record time, calling her as he rounded the corner, double-parking and then racing up her building's front stairs.
She stepped out on the landing, dressed in a t-shirt, sweats and fuzzy slippers, her coat hanging loosely around her shoulders. Her hair was scraped back, her face was makeup free and she had a dusting of flour on her chin.
She had never looked more beautiful. "John, I can't –"
"I know." It was Taylor's turn to host the monthly pizza dinner for his debate club; her place was full, with kids, parents and the faculty advisor. Reese crushed her against his body, just wanting to hold her, wanting to feel the warmth of her skin, the smell of her hair, the strength of her small hands as they slid inside his coat and up his back.
She raised her face to his, her eyes huge, shining in the darkness. He rubbed the flour off her chin with his finger and kissed her. Joss sank against him, and Reese knew that she was as lost in him as he was in her.
They stood there for a moment, wrapped in each other arms, and then they stepped apart. "I love you."
Joss smiled through her tears. "I know. See you tomorrow, John."
"Yeah, talk to you tomorrow, Joss."
She slipped back inside the building.
Reese walked back to his car. He sat there, smiling, until he heard a horn behind him, and then he pulled into traffic.
XXX
"There are still things you don't know," John said abruptly as Joss stood up to leave. His voice had a lilt to it, almost challenging, but his eyes were wary and solemn.
Joss smiled. "You know that's detective porn. It's like putting a hot fudge sundae in front of me with two cherries on top, handing me a big ol' spoon and then telling me that I can't touch it." Her smile faded as she sat back down on the park bench. "I know."
The wind swirled her hair around her face and as she pushed it back, her fingers touched an earring. One day she would have to tell him the story about these earrings, Joss thought. He wouldn't call them 'bore-rings' after learning how she got them. "There are things that you don't know about me."
Joss smiled to herself at the brief calculating look she saw in his eyes, before his face became smooth, almost expressionless. The dance, she thought, would always be a part of them.
"Really, Detective?"
"Really."
"And if…"
"We'll figure it out. We don't…do well apart, John. We're better together."
They both stood up. John leaned forward, placing his forehead against hers. "I love you, Joss."
"I love you, John."
As their lips met, Joss knew that they would be together soon.
The time before had been about their lust, their loneliness, their need. It had been about claiming each other in the most primal way possible. This time would be about passion, tenderness, love. They would give each other everything, including their very souls.
It would be the real first time.
As they stepped apart, Joss looked into John's eyes. She knew he knew it too.
"Talk to you tomorrow, Joss."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow, John."
She closed the historical society's garden gate carefully behind her.
*El DeBarge and his family group, named DeBarge, had several hits during the early 1980s, like All This Love (1982), but my main reason for choosing him as someone a teenaged Joss might have had a crush on was his big hit as a solo artist, Who's Johnny, the theme from the movie Short Circuit (1986.) The song included the lyrics 'Who's Johnny, she says and tried to look the other way/Her eyes gave her away'. In light of Donnelly telling Joss and John that her eyes gave the game away, he was the perfect choice.
**Sheila E was a member of Prince's group and a solo artist, who had several hits during the early 1980s, including The Glamorous Life (1984.) A drummer, an instrument traditionally ascribed to men, made her a standout. I could see a teenaged Reese being quietly intrigued by this talented, tough looking beauty and her skillful hands.
***Mayflies are aquatic insects. As adults, they live for only a few hours or a day, usually hatching en masse in the spring to mate, and they mean business - both the male and female have paired genitalia – two penises for the male and two gonopores, or genital pores for the females.
****Kara said this to Reese in the Season One episode, Blue Code.
A/N: Next, the FBI meets the fixer, and in Chapter 16, a fable, a ceremony and the real first time.