Act one
It started out as a regular day at the Planet Express building. Hermes walked down the hallway whistling. He opened up a hallway closet. Suddenly, a big pile of cigars fell out of it.
"Sweet raptor of Apgar!" exclaimed Hermes "What is this stuff doing here?" Bender walked up to the pile and picked one up.
"So that's where my collection of antique rollers went!" said Bender. He lit the one he was holding and walked off.
Meanwhile in the conference room
Fry, Leela, and Amy were sitting at the table when the Professor entered.
"Good news, everyone; I've come up with my best invention yet!" said the Professor.
"What would that be?" asked Leela who wasn't actually paying attention.
"Let me show you..." said the Professor. He opened up the roof of the building. "Zoidberg, are you ready?" Zoidberg, who was standing on the Planet Express ship, gave a bottom-claw's up. "Good then!" Zoidberg was wearing a helmet and what appeared to be a jetpack on his back.
"Look out, sky, here comes flying Zoidberg!" said Zoidberg. He flew up into the sky with his jetpack and circled around a few times.
"So, what is the invention anyway?" asked Fry.
"It's just a device that I pulled together in the lab that makes anything that wears it fly with the power of rocket-science" said the Professor.
"So, it's like a jetpack?" asked Leela.
"I never thought of it, but yes" said the Professor.
"So...it's basically a jetpack?" asked Leela.
"Weh-wah?" moaned the Professor.
"A jetpack" said Leela "It's basically what you've just invented, except it was already invented. Oh lord! This is the television incident all over again!"
"Invented, hmm?" said the Professor "Well, at least I won't have to create lots more for my commandos of atomic supermen. Zoidberg, press the ejection button"
"Never!" said Zoidberg "I feel better than ever! I can fly! I can fly!"
"I thought so" said the Professor as he got out a remote control-type device "That's why I have a self-destruct button" He pressed it and (literally within seconds) Zoidberg's jetpack exploded.
"Oh-oh!" exclaimed Zoidberg who was momentarily hung in the air. He fell down screaming.
"Will we have to clean up the mess, Professor?" asked Fry.
"No" said the Professor "I packed Zoidy a parachute so he wouldn't splatter all over the place like a mango...Ooh yes!" At that moment, a parachute opening noise was heard.
"Hurray; Zoidberg doesn't splatter!" shouted Zoidberg's voice. At that moment, a flaming noise was heard. "Oh dear; it caught fire" A crashing noise was heard. "Hurray; Zoidberg survives!" At that moment, Bender entered the room smoking his cigar.
"What's a happenin', meatbags?" said Bender "I overheard something about Zoidberg trying to fly"
"It was also about the Professor being outsmarted by product licensing." said Amy.
Meanwhile at Zoidberg's dumpster
Zoidberg unearthed himself out of the garbage and landed face first out of the dumpster and onto the concrete ground.
"You win again, gravity!" said Zoidberg whilst waving his claw in fury. He got up with intense difficulty. "Ha! Who's laughing now?!" He walked off with his mouth-flaps in the air until he slipped on a banana peel and flew into the fence. At that moment, Sally (the little girl with an ear on her forehead) walked up to the stinking lobster. Zoidberg got up. "Ah! Do you mind giving me some spare hundred dollars?"
"Who are you?" asked Sally.
"I'm Dr. Zoidberg; that's who!" said Zoidberg whilst doing a snazzy trick with his claws.
"Who the cagiga is that ugly mug?" said Hattie McDougall whilst passing past them.
"Cagiga yourself!" said Zoidberg whilst waving his claw in the air angrily. "Anyways, the point is that nobody looks up to POOR OLD ZOIDBERG!" He suddenly burst into tears. "I felt on top of the world minutes ago; curse you, self-destruct system!"
Meanwhile in Hermes' office
Hermes whistled a catchy tune whilst stamping some forms.
"Do you like wheel-deals?" said a voice.
"Who said that?" said Hermes.
"Me!" said the voice loudly. Malfunctioning Eddie the car-dealer entered through the door. "Hi! I'm Malfunctioning Eddie; and I'm malfunctioning..." Millions of sparks flew out of his neck. "...so badly, that I'm practically giving cars to you!"
"Sorry, mon" said Hermes "I already have a car"
"Then why not get another one?!" said Malfunctioning Eddie "I've got 3010 Thundercougarfalconbirds, Hover-Ferraris, Darge Chargers...What will it be?"
"Thanks; but as I already said, I already have a car" said Hermes.
"What type?" asked Malfunctioning Eddie.
"A 3013 Thundercougarfalconbird" said Hermes.
"WHAT!?..." exclaimed Malfunctioning Eddie before exploding. Hermes didn't know what to say when the smoke cleared revealing an office filled with exploded robot parts.
Meanwhile in the conference room
Amy walked into the conference room after helping the Professor with some strange invention. She sat down at the table and read a newspaper. The cover story was labelled "Earthen Pastime and its Destruction!" It had a picture of Morbo on the front. A harmless land squid walked across the table and began to pull the paper.
"Get off!" said Amy. After several minutes of a tug-of-war, the squid ran off with the paper. The squid ran off into the TV room where it narrowly avoided getting squashed flat by Bender's footcups.
"Stupid land squids!" said Bender. Fry sat on the couch drinking Slurm. He finished it and burped.
"Ah man; I know this comes from a worm's ass, but it's still highly addictive!" said Fry.
"As for my world of drink, I think I won't have enough energy to get my next beer" said Bender whilst placing an empty bottle of beer hard on the table. He got a remote control out of his chest and pressed a large button on it. In the conference room kitchen, a robot resembling a Scutter from Red Dwarf entered and grabbed a bottle of beer and entered the TV room with it and gave it to Bender. Bender flicked off the lid and drank it. "Ah yeah; that hit the spot!" The land squid re-entered the TV room, crawled onto Bender, and stole his beer. "Stupid cephalopod!" Bender grabbed a book out of his cabinet and threw it at the squid, only for it to miss and hit the TV.
"Wow; do you think the Professor will do something when he heard that you broke his TV?" asked Fry.
"Nah; he didn't the last few times" said Bender. Fry walked over to the TV and pulled the book out. It was titled something, but was in alienese so Fry couldn't read it.
"Hey Bender, what's this?" asked Fry.
"Just some book about Decopodian history." said Bender. Fry picked up the book and started to read.
"Are you interested in it?" asked Fry whilst flicking through the pages.
"Nah!" said Bender "You know how Decopodians are filthy, stinkin' lobsters? Well, I don't read books that are just full of crap about filthy, stinkin' lobsters; especially about their slimy, greasy history!"
"They did have good sense of treasure, though" said Fry "Ooh!" He pointed at a picture of a sapphire. Bender whistled.
"What's that lump of blue?" said Bender whilst his eyes extended towards the picture.
"It says here that this is some jewel named the Eye of Decopod 10." said Fry "Ooh; it says here that it was the size of a giant squid's eye!"
"Giant squid's eye!" exclaimed Bender "Just imagine how many hookerbots I could get with that! What else does it say?"
"It...was...the...prize...jewel...of...Emperor...T utan...mollusc..." read Fry with difficulty.
"Yeah, yeah; but what is the technical information of it?" said Bender "Where is it? How is it? When was it last seen?"
"It just says that it was buried with Emperor Tutanmollusc in his tomb" said Fry.
"And where would that be, already?" asked Bender.
"That's the thing; nobody knows!" said Fry in an attempt to be suspenseful.
"Damn it!" said Bender "The thing I hate about long lost treasure is how long lost it is!" At that moment, Leela ran into the room.
"Fry, something's up with Hermes." said Leela.
Later in the smelloscope room
Hermes sat down on a chair with Fry and Leela trying to comfort him.
"The thing is, I just don't feel good about working here anymore" said Hermes.
"But you can't retire, Hermes" said Leela "There's so much more for you to experience here"
"The thing is; I've been around here for years, and I don't see why I should experience cigar filled closets and exploding robot salesmen" said Hermes "I've finally decided to retire"
"Finally?" said Fry "Didn't you retire one time before?"
"No; I fired myself, then rehired myself, and then put my brain into a robot body." replied Hermes
"Sorry, I get easily confused between the two" said Fry.
"Sorry, mon and womon; but it is final" said Hermes whilst standing up "Besides, I should devote the rest of my life to my family. I somehow have the feeling that LaBarbara is cheating on me again"
Meanwhile in the Bahamas
LaBarbara and Barbados Slim sat on deck chairs near on the beach underneath a shady umbrella. The table in between the two had two martinis and a walky-talky. The other walky-talky was attached to Hermes' belt back at Planet Express without the bureaucrat knowing and it had just showed Hermes' talking about his suspicions.
"Oh-oh!" exclaimed LaBarbara "I think he's onto us!"
"Damn it!" said Barbados Slim.
Meanwhile in the smelloscope room
"It just doesn't feel good anymore" said Hermes. He stood up and walked out of the room in a sad fashion.
"Poor Hermes" said Fry.
"Well, at least he got sick of this job in the way he loved..." said Leela before realising that she wasn't saying anything that made sense "Well; not in the way he loved..."
Meanwhile in Hermes' office
"Anyways, my job is simple but complicated" said Hermes whilst putting on a retiring hat "So that is why I'll need a successor" Bender, Amy, and Scruffy were sitting in seats in front of his desk.
"Scruffy's got jobs to be a doing" said Scruffy. He stood up and walked out of the room casually.
"Smeesh; what's the big deal of getting someone inside your own company?" asked Amy.
"I'd rather have a member of this company take over before the Central Beauracracy sends in some random weirdo like Mark 7.G" said Hermes. Bender puffed his cigar before it crumbled to ash.
"Damn!" said Bender. He looked at his hand. "Thank god for the extendo arm!" He extended his arm out of the room. It went through the various hallways that make up the Planet Express building. His arm passed the Professor in his laboratory.
"Weh-wah?" said the Professor confused. Bender grabbed a cigar from a table and his arm extended back into Hermes' office and the cigar landed in Bender's mouth-box.
"Ah yeah!" said Bender after puffing smoke "Anyways; I'd like to know more about this job biz. Is it true that it's just sitting on your ass all day, and the only real work that happens is stamping forms?"
"Well, technically yes" replied Hermes.
"And is there a tremendous pay-rise?" asked Bender.
"Yes" replied Hermes.
"I'm in!" shouted Bender "Within a week, I'll have six fembots for each arm!" Hermes stood up and walked over to a coat hanger to retrieve a retiring scarf.
"Then that's that" said Hermes. He tried to pull the scarf off the coat hanger but it appeared to be stuck. "Strange; I can't get my retiring scarf off this coat hanger"
"How much did you pay for it?" asked Amy.
"Now that is a question" said Hermes "I can't remember buying it, it was just always here" He pulled harder but there was still no effect. Bender stood up and walked up to the coat hanger.
"I'll deal with this" said Bender. He pulled up his arm lines and grabbed hold of the branch. "Like folding, pulling is just bending." He started to pull. He even seemed to have difficulty with it. He pulled it and pulled it until he pulled it straight down. Suddenly, the wall opened up revealing a secret passage.
"Great Ark of the Covenant!" exclaimed Hermes.
"What's that?" asked Amy.
"Some sort of lost passageway" said Hermes. All three walked into it. As they walked deeper and deeper, it got darker and darker.
"Looks like I'll have to use the high-beams" said Bender. He pushed his antenna down and that activated the high-beams in his eyes. A stepping noise was heard.
"Shhh!" said Hermes "What was that?"
"Say what?" said Bender before turning around and his high-beams faced Amy and Hermes. It hurt their eyes.
"Shénshèng wěidà de shén, zài yòng shānghài!" screamed Amy.
"Turn around, Mon!" exclaimed Hermes.
"Alright, alright; shish!" said Bender. He turned around. After a few more minutes of walking, they reached a solid wall.
"Well, looks like we're at an end" said Hermes. Amy walked up to the wall and touched it with her finger gently. It suddenly fell down revealing a secret area. All three gasped.
"Okay, now I'm interested" said Bender. They walked down a stairway. All around them was paper scrolls and exploratory stuff.
"What is this place?" asked Amy.
"Some sort of area filled with secrets" said Hermes "Must've been around here before the Professor even built this place; he started the company unaware of what lay beneath its feet" He walked forward and trod on something. It was an old journal. He picked it up and examined it for a few seconds before Bender snatched it off him.
"Seems my special "robo-vision" will have to go through this" said Bender. He flipped through the book continuously saying random things about science stuff. "Twelve quantum gemeralds...half the universe is about to flip over...disproving Doctor Banjo's paradox...proving the Braino effect...O.M.G!"
"What is it?" exclaimed Amy.
"It's so coincidental!" exclaimed Bender. There was no reply. "You should've been there when I gave Fry that book. Anyways, the book that Fry has that I previously had until I tried to squash a harmless land squid with..."
"Just cut to the chase, Mon!" snapped Hermes.
"Anyways; I had this book earlier that looks around Decopodian history" said Bender "I had no use for it so I gave it to Fry who looked at this priceless jewel!" He showed them a sketch in the journal that was of the Eye of Decopod 10.
"Snazzy jewel!" said Amy.
"This is the Eye of Decopod 10; a sapphire the size of a giant squid's eye!" said Bender "It was the prize jewel of Emperor Tutanmollusc; whom it was buried with. The tomb itself was lost for years and years; but this journal shows where it is...which turns out to be on Earth!"
"How do you know it's not just a crumby trick that someone pulled on you?" said Hermes.
"Who cares!" said Bender "Who'd ever give up a chance to be incredibly stinkin' rich?!"
"Well, it would help with my retirement fund..." said Hermes.
"Okay; now we shall set out this afternoon!" said Bender.
"This afternoon?" said Hermes.
"Of course." said Bender "That thing will give me...I mean, us billions of dollars; and we ain't gonna give some lucky jerk a chance." The three walked back up the doorway with the journal and a whip Bender picked up. However, they were unaware that behind a crate a hoverfish watched their every move. It flew off stealthy.
Meanwhile at Mom's headquarters
Mom ran on her treadmill looking outside. Her three sons stood by her.
"Where's those freakin' hoverfish?" said Mom angrily "I need to know dark secrets about civilians in order to secretly blackmail them!"
"Oh mother, it will work" said Walt.
"Yeah." said Larry "We just need time..."
"We don't have time, freak-face!" shouted Mom angrily. She slapped Larry across the face, got off her treadmill, sat at her chair, and lit a cigarette. Suddenly, the hoverfish flew in and stopped in front of Mom's desk.
"Master, I have found something that may be of interest to you!" said the hoverfish.
"Spit it out!" demanded Mom. The hoverfish revealed a hologram of what it saw; which was Bender, Hermes, and Amy preparing to go out on a quest. "So; they have found the location of a priceless jewel...And I have just concocted an evil plan!" She laughed evilly. Her sons started to laugh evilly as well, but just got slapped in the face.
Act two
That afternoon, the conference room was filled with explorers' gear that had been bought by Hermes, Bender, and Amy. Actually, Hermes was pretty much the only one that had brought useful things (such as a pick-axe, a torch, packed lunch, some rope, and a map). Bender (of course) had brought cigars, bottles of beer, and magazines of fembots that didn't wear casings; and Amy (also of course) had brought beauty aids and that sort of stuff.
"So Bender, how long will you be gone for?" asked Fry.
"Who knows or cares" said Bender "Just as long as my hands get onto that jewel!" He rubbed his hands together.
"But what if you don't come back?" asked Fry "How will I make it here in the future without my best friend?"
"Well, you could play golf, tease Zoidberg, or even perhaps improve on your love life with Leela" replied Bender
"Amy, have you ever considered that there's no point in looking for this jewel?" asked Leela "It could be just a load of bantha fodder?"
"Leela, this thing is proven to exist" said Amy "Why should I care about what you think" Leela frowned. "Anyways, we have to go in only a few sminutes and I still haven't even packed my eyebrow remover yet" She turned to pack.
"By the way, I got a call from Kif today" said Leela. Amy stopped in her tracks. "He said that you didn't really...well, seem as attracted to him as you used to" Amy just ignored that and went on to pack. "Are you setting a thing for bad boys again?" A few minutes later, all the bags were packed.
"Well, let's go off to dig up some ancient artefact" said Hermes.
"Scruffy thinks this is a load of hogwash" said Scruffy.
"Oh, just leave them alone, Scruffy" said the Professor "If they want to go after some dumb jewel, then let them. Besides, it's perfectly safe and nothing can go wrong" He leaned over towards Bender. "If something goes wrong, bring back her blood"
Later in the streets of New New York
Bender, Hermes, and Amy walked down the street. Hermes held the map and was leading them. However, they passed a bench that had three figures holding newspapers over their faces sitting on it. The figures were Mom's three sons. Walt peered over the top of the newspaper in a sinister manner. Larry and Igner followed suit in a less sinister way. They both got slapped by Walt.
"Stop looking at them!" said Walt "We don't want to look suspicious!"
Later
Bender, Hermes, and Amy reached an alleyway.
"According to this map, the path..." said Hermes "...ends...here..." They looked up and saw a wall.
"Seems we've hit a dead end" said Bender "It also seems that this book is less real than an effective lawyer" He face-palmed himself. "Damn! Now I've lost my bet with that Greedo-lookalike from down the street!"
"Well, let's get back" said Amy. They turned around to go back but they suddenly saw Zoidberg running towards them being followed by Sally.
"Friends friends, I'd like you to meet my new entourage!" said Zoidberg.
"Hey, it's that little girl with an ear on her head" said Amy.
"One time, I did 900 jump-ropes" said Sally.
"See!" said Zoidberg "Someone with an entourage must be very important"
"You're as important as toxic waste" said Hermes.
"Anyways, it's time to lie on the sofa for a few hours" said Bender "If I'm not gonna' be rich anytime soon, might as well do that!"
"Wait, did you say something about being rich?" said Zoidberg.
"Maybe, maybe not!" replied Bender "But it seems that your peoples' legend is less real than elephants with butterfly wings"
"And what legend would that be?" asked Zoidberg.
"The legend of Tutanmollusc and the Eye of Decopod 10—his most precious jewel" replied Amy.
"But it seems to all been long-gone myth" said Hermes "Well, everybody get back to work. It's still a work day" Hermes, Bender, and Amy walked forward to exit the alleyway.
"Wait; did you say 'The legend of Tutanmollusc and the Eye of Decopod 10'?" asked Zoidberg.
"Glov course" replied Amy.
"It's just one alleyway away" said Zoidberg.
"Wait; all this time, you've known the location of a secret tomb?" said Hermes confused.
"So what?" said Zoidberg "It's an ancient secret that we Decopodians have kept secret for thousands and thousands of years, not telling anyone at all..." He was suddenly trampled over by Hermes, Bender, and Amy who ran out of the alleyway and into the next one up. He got up, shook his head, and ran after them, leaving Sally alone in the alleyway.
Meanwhile in the next alleyway up
Hermes, Bender, and Amy ran into the alleyway as fast as they could, only to find it was another dead end. The only difference was that this time there was an X mark on the wall of the dead end.
"Damn it!" snapped Bender "Now I've been lead on a wild pteranodon chase!"
"Well, best get back to work" said Hermes. They turned around and were suddenly faced by Zoidberg who was standing only half a metre away from them.
"So, any jewels?" asked Zoidberg.
"Of course not!" snapped Amy "Now, if you slease move aside!"
"Yeah!" snapped Bender "It's just been crap after crap!"
"I thought you would've got it" replied Zoidberg.
"Got what, mon?" asked Hermes. Zoidberg walked past them.
"You see, you forget to notice that the thing that is too obvious is in fact the correct key" said Zoidberg. He walked up to the wall and pointed at the X mark. "X marks the spot." Hermes, Bender, and Amy ran up to the wall.
"Wait, how by Jah will we get in?" asked Hermes. Bender pushed Hermes aside.
"Stand aside and let a professional deal with this" said Bender "Bite my shiny metal head!" He continuously bashed his head against the wall, but it had no effect.
"There has to be a way in" said Hermes.
"Alas, it's not like I just touch the wall, say open sesame and, viola, we have an entrance" said Zoidberg whilst touching the wall. Suddenly, the wall flipped around and they were transported to the other side, which appeared to be just a black abyss.
"Damn!" said Bender just before they fell down the abyss. Hermes landed first onto the hard ground. He got up.
"Phew; that was close." said Hermes. Suddenly, he heard the sound of Zoidberg making a noise. It wasn't long until the actual Zoidberg fell down and landed on top of him. Suddenly, Amy landed on Zoidberg and then Bender landed on Amy.
"At least I get a soft landing" said Bender. All four of them got up and walked towards a split passageway. Bender got out the journal and examined it. "Seems that one way leads back to the top, the other one leads to our goal"
"Any traps?" asked Amy.
"No, there's none at all" said Bender sarcastically "Of course there are! Why in all sakes would there be no traps in a tomb?"
"Wait; traps?" said Zoidberg.
"Of course there's traps" said Bender "Like I said only a few minutes ago, why in all sakes would there be no traps in a tomb?"
"You didn't say anything about traps" said Zoidberg "Now, which one is the one that leads back." Bender examined the book for a moment.
"That way" said Bender whilst pointing to the one on the right. Zoidberg walked down the right passageway and disappeared in the darkness. Bender then looked at the book again. "Oh!"
"What?" asked Hermes.
"Man; that's nasty!" said Bender.
"What is?" asked Hermes.
"That would be especially..." said Bender "...No wait; that would much more...Perhaps he could just...Ooh! That sure is ugly! Hey Zoidberg; if I were you, I'd be careful of the poison..." A dart-shooting sound was heard. "...darts. Also, you may want to watch your step. Be careful of all the black tiles, 'cause they're actually..." A crashing sound was heard. "...trapdoors. Anyways; if you survived the last two, you may wanna' avoid any vines; 'cause they'll all set off the..." A crushing sound was heard. "...wall spikes"
"That's gonna' look gross when we get through there" said Amy.
"At least we triggered off three of the traps" said Bender.
Later
Hermes, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg walked through the passageway. Zoidberg had a dart in his head that he pulled off.
"Good thing I have such a hard head" said Zoidberg. A small rumbling noise was heard.
"What was that?" said Amy.
"Bender, what does the book say?" asked Hermes. Bender examined the book.
"Hmmm..." said Bender "It seems to be something here about it...It appears that we are heading to some sort of rolling stone of some sort"
"You mean like that one?" asked Zoidberg who had turned away from them and was staring and pointing at something. The other three turned around and saw that he was pointing at a giant boulder that was rolling towards them at an amazing speed.
"Funnily enough, it's exactly like that" said Bender. He looked at a sketching of a boulder in the journal that was surprisingly exactly like the one that was rolling towards them.
"Any ideas?" asked Hermes.
"One" said Bender "Cheese it!" They each ran off in different directions. The boulder followed them. They kept on running around and it seemed like the Indiana Jones theme was playing. None of them noticed that the place they were running around in was the same shape as a pinball machine.
"All those times I play marbles, I never thought what the ants thought!" said Hermes.
"I never thought I'd have to run for my life from some rolling stone!" said Bender.
"The Rolling Stones?" said Zoidberg "I love those guys!" Eventually, they reached the bottom of the area. It led into a dark abyss with two large wooden wall-like shapes in front of it.
"Seems we've hit dead end!" said Hermes.
"We better avoid those things" said Amy. Bender walked up to the left one and examined it.
"Oh c'mon; these things couldn't hurt a flatworm!" said Bender. He knocked on it three times. Suddenly, it knocked forward and sent him flying all the way to a few metres back. He got up and rubbed the back of his head. He then turned around and saw the boulder rolling towards him. "Oh lordy loo, it's ROLLING TOWARDS ME!" He ran towards the abyss, but extended his arms and pulled himself up onto an overhanging ledge and pulled himself up.
"Move aside!" shouted Hermes. The other three moved to one side as the boulder rolled into the dark abyss. Bender jumped down from the ledge and landed in front of them.
"That was a close one!" said Bender.
Later
They walked further and further through the dark tunnels till they reached a chasm. Zoidberg looked down into it.
"Great snakes!" exclaimed Zoidberg. Hermes, Bender, and Amy walked up for a look.
"What is it?" asked Hermes.
"I just told you; 'great snakes'" said Zoidberg. The other three looked down and saw an uncountable amount of snakes, all slithering around and hissing.
"How are we gonna' get past those snakes?" asked Hermes.
"I'll have no problems" said Bender "After all, I'm a robot!" Hermes got out a book about snakes and read it.
"Strange, these are the rare Dionen rock snake" said Hermes "Their poison is the same substance as battery acid and food colouring"
"Wait, food colouring?" said Bender "The substance that is extremely fatal to robots and that killed Calculon that time when he died"
"Maybe I could harpoon a way across" said Amy. She grabbed her bag and opened it up. She looked inside, gasped, and frowned. "Ó, tiān nǎ, wǒ bù gǎn xiāngxìn, wǒ líkāile wǒ de chūxiě yú chā bèihòu!"
"Ok, ok; just get out the harpoon" said Zoidberg.
"I don't have the harpoon" said Amy "There wasn't any room; it was either my fake-tanner or my expensive harpoon"
"Then I'll just use my extendo arms" proclaimed Bender. He pointed his arms to the other side, but they did not extend. He looked at his arm sockets. "Damn; should've remembered to oil my arms before I came!"
"Well, let's go back..." said Zoidberg.
"Wait, I forgot" said Bender. He pulled a long plank that was (for some paradoxical reason) long than him. He placed it on the chasm to make a way across. Although it was indeed very long, it wasn't particularly wide.
"How are we gonna' get across there?" asked Hermes. Bender scratched his chin.
"Simple; since you guys have accompanied me this far, I'm willing to take one of you across" said Bender.
"Okay then!" said Hermes "Let's get across then!"
"Ooh!" said Zoidberg "Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!" Bender looked away from Hermes and Zoidberg. He then looked at Amy.
"Ladies first!" said Bender. He picked her up and placed her on his shoulders and started to walk across the plank.
"What the!" exclaimed Hermes.
"No fair!" cried Zoidberg. Bender walked across the plank carefully. He began to wobble and briefly looked down.
"Ahh!" said Bender "I'm getting dizzy! I can't balance straight!" He got out a unicycle that resembled the one he used in Leela's Homeworld.
"What does he think he's doing?" said one of the snakes.
"I dunno'" said another snake "Maybe they're trying to get the treasure"
"Do you think we should do something about it?" asked the first snake.
"Why should we care?" said another snake "We're just snakes" Eventually, Bender got across and placed Amy gently on the ground.
"Okay Zoidberg, now it's our turn" said Hermes. Zoidberg ran up to him and jumped onto his shoulder. He walked across the plank, very careful not to look down.
"Well, the strange thing I noticed is that none of these snakes are green" said Zoidberg "You always go on about green snakes, but none of these ones are green. There are blue snakes, red snakes, purple snakes, yellow snakes, orange snakes, grey snakes, black snakes, cyan snakes, pink snakes, white snakes, turquoise snakes, teal snakes...oh wait, there's a green snake there! Anyways, what has been a happening since..."
Intermission
The Robot Devil sat on a chair in front of a cyan background.
"Hello, I'm the Robot Devil" said the Robot Devil "I'm here to advertise the all-new Futurama album" He held up an album. "It contains all your favourite songs, including my personal favourite; gentlemen..." A group of robot demons started to play music. The Robot Devil came up wearing a top hat and holding a cane. "Cigars are evil, you don't listen..."
"Hey, enough of this!" shouted Bender's voice.
"Oh god!" said the Robot Devil "I was so looking forward to this. Anyways, let's get back to a program where a robot that has been to hell and back is helping his ex across!"
"I heard that!" shouted Bender's voice. The Robot Devil screamed like a little girl.
Back to the show
After nerve-racking minutes of having to stay concentrated but cool-headed despite Zoidberg's continuously conversations, Hermes managed to get across the plank. He found Bender leaning against the wall smoking a cigar and Amy painting her toenails. Bender looked at Hermes and Zoidberg.
"What are you looking at!?" said Bender.
Act three
Hermes, Bender, Amy, and Zoidberg walked through the tunnels. Bender examined the book.
"According to this, that's the last of the traps" said Bender. They all stopped.
"Wait, do you think we're going the right way?" asked Hermes "These tunnels just looked all the same" Zoidberg grabbed the map.
"Hmm..." said Zoidberg "What is this red line mean?" The map was suddenly grabbed off him by a whip. The whip user was Bender, who was in an Indiana Jones costume. He examined the map.
"Actually, the tomb's just down this tunnel" said Bender.
"Hey; where'd you get that, mon?" asked Hermes.
"Get what?" said Bender.
"Where'd you get that Indiana Jones costume from?" asked Hermes.
"This thing?" replied Bender "You said to pack the essentials, and it's essential that I should be given this attire since I'm the hero"
"And since when were you the hero?" asked Hermes.
"I'm self-proclaimed" said Bender.
Later
They walked along the tunnels until they reached yet another dead end.
"This journey has too many dead ends" said Amy.
"Well, how do we get past this?" asked Hermes.
"I'll deal with it!" said Zoidberg. He ran back, grabbed a large pillar as a battering ram, and ran towards the wall. Bender looked at a strange brick in the wall that was sticking out.
"What does this do?" said Bender. He pushed the brick into the wall. Suddenly, the dead end wall lifted up. However, Zoidberg was unaware of this and continued running till the wall had fully lifted up and he ran straight into the area behind the wall. Hermes, Bender, and Amy walked into the area and gasped. The area was a large room filled with gold, jewels, and all sorts of treasure.
"By Jah, this place is so full!" exclaimed Hermes.
"And let's start filling it into me, Bender!" shouted Bender. He ran around filling the treasure into his cabinet. Amy started filling her pockets with the treasure.
"I'm slightly richer!" said Amy. In the front of the door was a sarcophagus that resembled an Egyptian pharaoh's but with a Decopodian design. Hermes walked up to it. Bender ran up to it.
"So, where's my...I mean, our Eye of Decopod 10?" said Bender. Hermes looked at the journal.
"According to this, the sapphire is mounted on the top of his sceptor" said Hermes "And the sceptor is with him in his sarcophagus"
"Then let's get to business!" said Bender. He and Hermes pushed the lid of the sarcophagus off. After pushing off the lid, they saw a shocking sight. The bandaged corpse of a Decopodian was lying in the sarcophagus with its arms crossed and holding a sceptor.
"My god, it's Tutanmollusc the mummy!" exclaimed Hermes.
"So where's the daddy?" joked Bender. On the top of the sceptor was the Eye of Decopod 10. Hermes jerked it off.
"The Eye of Decopod 10; the thing we were after" said Hermes. Amy walked up.
"Sneeto jewel!" said Amy.
"Okay, we've got it" said Bender "Now, let's go already!" He turned to leave but noticed that Hermes wasn't following. "Hey, I said let's go already!" What none of them realised was that they were being watched.
"Bender, are you sure this is right?" asked Hermes.
"Why should I care if anything's right?" replied Bender.
"What I mean is—is it right to be robbing from the dead?" replied Hermes.
"There's nothing wrong with grave-robbing" replied Bender. He laughed heartily. "Oh c'mon, Hermes; it's just archaeology, we can get away with that"
"Sorry, but I can't do it" said Hermes.
"If you can't do it, I guess I will!" said a voice from the shadows. Hermes, Bender, and Amy turned around in shocked to see a silhouette figure walking towards them. It revealed itself to be Mom's oldest son Walt. Instead of wearing his normal outfit, he wore a black coat and wore glasses (if you've seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, you'd understand). He also now spoke in a German accent.
"One of Mom's sons!" exclaimed Amy.
"Not one of Mom's sons..." replied Walt. Larry and Igner revealed themselves from the shadows. "...all three!"
"Is that ridiculous accent real?" said Bender.
"No; of course not" replied Walt in his normal voice. He walked up to Hermes and examined the jewel. "We will be taking that. After all, it's wrong what you're doing"
"Wait; if taking this jewel is wrong, why would it be right for you to take it off us?" asked Hermes.
"Don't bother!" replied Walt whilst snatching the jewel off of Hermes. He looked at it. "At last, we have it"
"Be careful, there's a curse!" said Bender.
"A c-c-curse!" exclaimed Larry.
"What curse?" whispered Amy.
"Just play along" replied Bender.
"Who said such nonsense about a curse?" said Walt.
"I did, of course" replied Bender "It's probably just make you look like walking skeletons in the moonlight, or maybe you'll end up like the bad guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark"
"What did happen to the bad people at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark?" asked Igner. Larry whispered into his ear. Igner freaked out.
"Quiet, Igner!" snapped Walt "Report back to Mom!" He looked at Larry who shoved Igner.
"Ow!" said Igner. He got out a small video transmitter that came up with a video of Mom.
"Mother, we have found the jewel" said Walt.
"Good work" replied Mom "Now return it to me...IMMEDIATLY!"
"What if we don't return it immediately?" asked Larry. A robotic arm came out of the video transmitter and slapped all three of Mom's sons.
"We'll be taking our leave now" said Walt "However, you won't!"
"And why would that be?" said Hermes.
"Mainly because this tomb shall become your tomb as well" said Walt "Enjoy the rest of your life, 'cause you won't have much of it!" He laughed evilly. Larry and Igner laughed evilly as well but he just slapped them. "Anyways, we shall leave now because mother isn't a patient woman."
"Wow, wow, wow!" said Bender "I know I'm going to get taken down, but before I get taken down I have one thing to say to you three silly twerps ever since I first laid eyes on such pathetic forms of life!" He turned around and pointed to his lower-back. "Bite...my...shiny...metal..." Suddenly, the sarcophagus lid flew off and a cold wind blew out the fire that was on the torches that were mounted on the room's walls. "I spoke too late!" Everyone recoiled in fear as the mummified form of Tutanmollusc rose from his sarcophagus. It turned around and looked at the jewel.
"What do you know, there was a curse after all" said Larry.
"There was?" said Bender "Wait, I mean; of course there was!"
"My jewel!" mumbled Tutanmollusc.
"I think he wants the jewel!" said Igner whilst trembling. Walt slapped him.
"Oh yeah, well Mom wants this jewel more!" said Walt.
"MY PRECIOUS JEWEL!" screeched Tutanmollusc. Larry and Igner ran out of the room. Walt trembled.
"Here, take it!" said Walt whilst he threw the jewel away and ran out of the room "Sorry for waking the dead!" The jewel landed at Bender's feet. He picked it up.
"Looks like it returns!" said Bender.
"But we're not its rightful owners" replied Hermes.
"Well, finders-keepers!" replied Bender.
"But still, how are we gonna' get out of here with the jewel without getting caught by the mummy?"
"Isn't it obvious?" replied Bender "That's no mummy, and it's not a daddy either. I hate to say this, but thanks, Zoidberg"
"You're welcome" replied Zoidberg's voice "But what am I being thanked for?" Bender turned around. There, standing completely not covered with bandages, was Zoidberg.
"Wait; Zoidberg?" said Bender.
"Indeed it is" replied Zoidberg.
"Where did you come from?" asked Bender.
"I was unconscious the whole time, remember?" replied Zoidberg "Wait, is this a place filled with treasure?!"
"Wait; if you're here, then who's..." said Bender. He looked at the mummified form of Tutanmollusc. "Oh...your...god!" He stepped back a few steps. Tutanmollusc stood up and stepped out of the sarcophagus.
"Thieves!" mumbled Tutanmollusc "THIEVES! You shall suffer!" Bender threw the jewel into his cabinet.
"Any ideas?" asked Hermes.
"One" replied Bender "Cheese it!" They ran out of the tomb. Tutanmollusc followed them. They ran across the snake chasm.
"Seems they were after the jewel" said the first snake. They ran further and further into the tunnels.
"How come something that's already dead can run so fast?" said Hermes.
"We'll have to jettison some stuff!" said Zoidberg. Amy reached into her pockets and pulled out the treasure she stuffed in there and threw them out.
"At least I still have all my trust-fund" said Amy. Bender, being the one who took the most treasure, was lagging behind.
"Bender, hurry!" shouted Hermes.
"I can't run faster!" shouted Bender.
"Just get rid of that treasure" shouted Zoidberg.
"No way!" shouted Bender "You know the whole deal" He turned his head around and looked at the mummy following them. "Oh, all right!" He grabbed a handful of gold coins and looked at it sadly. "Goodbye fembot babes" He chucked them away. He grabbed a handful of diamonds. "Goodbye cars" He chucked them away. He grabbed a crown. "Goodbye people who will know my name" He chucked it away. He started chucking everything else out. "Goodbye whatever I left to spend at Wong Island!" The mummy still followed them. He started to run faster.
"Let's get out of here!" shouted Zoidberg. Bender lassoed a couple of rocks. He had intended to make the mummy slow down but this had caused the whole tunnel to collapse in on itself.
"We're definitely boned now!" said Bender. Tutanmollusc ran further and further towards them, attempting to cut them with his cold dead claws. Zoidberg looked up.
"Don't look now, but here's an old friend!" said Zoidberg. Suddenly, the giant boulder that had chased them before fell down from the roof and started to chase Tutanmollusc. It was able to crush him. Another group of rocks fell down from the ceiling causing them to trip. Bender's hat fell on the floor. Bender grabbed it in an Indiana Jones style before a group of rocks came down and fell in the area it had fallen.
"Let's get out of here already!" said Bender. He grabbed his lasso and used it to pull them up. They hung from the ceiling. "Let's get swingin'!" He began to swing on the lasso until he smashed the wall and they all flew out and landed in yet another alleyway. They got up.
"We just got out by the skin of our teeth" said Hermes.
"Okay; I know humans are covered with skin, but that area just doesn't work" said Bender.
"I wonder how Mom will react after her sons return empty handed" said Amy.
Meanwhile in Mom's office
Mom's sons entered into the office. They walked up to Mom's desk. Mom stood up.
"Ah, we returned empty handed!" said Igner. Mom beared her teeth and slapped them three times.
Meanwhile in the alleyway
"Well, it seems that was entirely worthless" said Hermes.
"Not entirely!" replied Bender. He opened his cabinet and brought out the Eye of Decopod 10.
"But I thought you jettisoned it" said Zoidberg.
"You only saw me jettison a hand full of coins, a handful of diamonds, a crown, and practically everything else." said Bender "But I wasn't going to let that bandaged bandit get the one-and-only Eye of Decopod 10"
"Cool, but what if he goes after you?" asked Amy.
"There are a few problems with that; mainly the fact that I'm up here and he's resting in humiliation under a huge bould..." said Bender. What he didn't notice was that Tutanmollusc had emerged from a pile of rubble and snuck up on Bender. "He's right behind me, isn't he?" He turned around and saw Tutanmollusc facing him eye to bandaged-covered eye. Bender walked back a few steps.
"My jewel!" moaned Tutanmollusc.
"Forget it!" snapped Bender "I'm keeping this!" Tutanmollusc approached closer to Bender in a more threatening manner. "Okay; here you go!" He threw the jewel at Tutanmollusc but it missed and hit the wall. It somehow smashed into billions of pieces and shot out a strange blue light. Suddenly, Tutanmollusc screamed and disintegrated.
"Oh my glosh!" exclaimed Amy "What just happened?"
"It seems that the curse in the jewel was the only thing that kept the mummy up in the first place" replied Hermes. Bender walked up to the wall, picked up a shard, looked at it, and gasped.
"The Eye of Decopod 10 is no sapphire, it's just glass!" exclaimed Bender. Amy and Hermes gasped.
'You mean we risked our lives for a fake sapphire?" said Hermes.
"Oh lord!" shouted Bender "Damn Decopodians! They fooled everyone!"
"Well, it's still a work day" said Hermes "Let's get back to work." Hermes, Bender, and Amy walked out of the alleyway. Zoidberg's eyes moved shiftily. He put his claw inside his scrub and brought out the real Eye of Decopod 10.
"Ah-ha!" said Zoidberg "Do you really expect that ol' Zoidberg would let those three get such a jewel all to themselves? I simply managed to put the curse inside a glass replica. Don't ask how, I just did. Well, it returns to its rightfully-enough owner!"
"Nice try!" shouted Bender who jumped onto Zoidberg. The jewel flew out of Zoidberg's claw and landed on the ground. Zoidberg and Bender ran to it, pushing each other along the way. "Back off, crabby!"
"Get lost, shiny metal jackass!" said Zoidberg.
"Dibby Jones!" said Bender.
"Benvin the paranoid android!" said Zoidberg. They eventually pushed each other over. A magpie landed near the jewel.
"Get away, black and white flying meatbag!" threatened Bender. The magpie picked up the jewel with its beak and flew off. "God damn it!"
"Oh no!" shouted Zoidberg.
"Great, now the bird's richer than me!" said Bender. Amy and Hermes approached them. Bender and Zoidberg stood up.
"So Hermes, are you still going to retire?" asked Zoidberg.
"Nah" replied Hermes "Besides, this will cause lots of paperwork and I just can't stand the sight of a pile of unstamped paperwork sitting around with no one to stamp them"
"Well, no point staying here." said Bender. They all walked back to the Planet Express building. Sally walked out from behind a fence.
"That's all, folks" said Sally "And so, the moral of that story was..."
The End