Chapter 11: Memories Restored

Xena closed the door behind her as she entered her small bedroom and removed her scabbard and sword from her back. She propped them up next to her door so she could easily grab them if the need for a quick exit arose. She sat down on the edge of her bed, then. His presence followed her here, but still, he didn't appear to her. It gave her the impression that he was nervous; and if the God of War was nervous something was wrong.

"You can come out now, Ares," she tried to keep her tone neutral, not wanting him to know that he was making her nervous as well.

Ares and Aphrodite appeared together, standing at the foot of Xena's bed. One look at Ares' face and Xena confirmed the nervousness she felt on him. Aphrodite though couldn't contain her smile and even had a mischievous glint in her eye. Xena wondered what the two immortals were up to.

"Oh, Aphrodite. I didn't expect you," Xena greeted her. "Did you get that help with your decorating project in Crete?"

Ares threw a questioning look at Aphrodite, which she saw but ignored. "Oh yeah, it all worked out. Cupid came to the rescue," Aphrodite lied. She hopped onto the bed and laid back, lounging against the pillows and making herself at home.

Xena eyed the goddess suspiciously as she watched her make herself comfortable. She looked back at Ares with a questioning look, but his face remained stoic. "To what do I owe the visit?" she asked, directing her question to whoever would answer.

"Aphrodite has something to tell you," Ares quickly answered.

Aphrodite threw a glare at him. "No, I think you have some news to share with Xena," she responded.

"It's your news to share," Ares countered.

"Hardly!" Aphrodite laughed as she spit out the word.

"Well, someone better share it," Xena cut off the sibling quarrel.

"Ares, this should come from you," Aphrodite gently coached him.

"Okay, fine… well… I don't know exactly how to say this. This isn't typically how these things work…"

Xena had taken her chakram off her belt so she could sit more comfortably on the bed. She played with it absent-mindedly in her hands, spinning it and clicking the two halves apart and together.

"Ares, patience isn't one of my virtues these days," Xena attempted to push him further.

"Right, well… Aphrodite knows who the father of your child is," he managed to blurt it all out in one long breath so as not to lose his nerve from starting this conversation.

Xena stopped playing with her weapon, looked at Ares, then Aphrodite, then back to Ares. "Impossible," she said. "We already talked about this, Ares. My child doesn't have a father. That's why the prophecy is about her. That's why Discord attacked me this morning."

"The prophecy, at least the version that we've been told, isn't entirely true," Ares continued.

"Why would anyone lie about the prophecy? Who made it up?"

"Zeus and Athena," Aphrodite added. "They didn't want you to know the real prophecy. They wanted to keep the father of the child a secret even from you, so they changed the wording in the prophecy and erased your memory… and your friends'… and the father's."

Xena felt that she knew where this was going but she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear it and embrace the truth of her child's parentage. Still, it didn't seem as though this was going to change the impending war to come between her and the other Olympians. Better to know the truth of why she was fighting them and why they had a vendetta against her unborn child. She braced herself, started spinning the chakram in her hands again, and took a deep breath. She avoided eye contact as she asked the question that she knew was supposed to come next.

"What is the real prophecy?"

"Aphrodite, you were the one to hear it in person…" Ares urged his sister to be the one share this part.

"Okay, fine!" Aphrodite grabbed a pillow and held it in her lap in front of her as she sat up on the bed. "So, I overhead Zeus, Athena, and Hera talking about the whole thing and knew that they were going to The Fates to consult about it. So, I followed them and did a little spying. There truly is a prophecy about your child, Xena. It says, 'A child born of the God of War and the Warrior Princess will have great power; the power to evoke fear in men and gods. Her birth will bring about the end of Olympus as you know it.' So, now you both know." Aphrodite leaned back on the remaining pillow, feeling that her job was over now.

Xena nearly dropped the chakram as she heard the words 'God of War and Warrior Princess.' She caught it quickly though, before it hit the floor and held it in both hands. She looked down at it for several more seconds in silence. She spoke again before looking up. "So that means…" Xena placed the chakram on the dresser across from her, then looked up to meet Ares' eyes.

"It seems so," he replied in an even tone. He couldn't get a read on her emotions yet so tried to keep his response short.

"How is that even possible," the anger in her voice was just starting to rise.

"Well, you see Xena, when a man and a woman," Ares attempted at humor.

"Don't even say it," Xena cut him off. "Is this a joke?" She looked from Ares to Aphrodite.

Neither spoke for several seconds. Finally, Aphrodite broke the silence. "No… you and Ares were actually together, like in a real relationship. And I think you were both pretty happy. Athena became concerned about the potential power of your child, and that's what started all of this. Zeus erased all memory of the relationship and the baby. He never realized I knew so much about it, which is how I was spared from his spell."

"A real… relationship…" Xena let her thoughts wander momentarily. She wished that she could remember what supposedly was going on with her and Ares. She didn't understand how they would ever end up in a real romantic relationship. This was something she rarely let herself admit that she wanted even in her own most private fantasies. The possibility never seemed plausible. Hearing that it was gave her a lot to think about. She felt emotions rising that she had been stifling for years. She quickly brushed away a tear and pulled herself together, hoping neither of the other two noticed. Then a thought dawned on her. "Wait. Aphrodite. Did you have something to do with this. Is this one of your love spells? Or Cupid's bow? Maybe Baby Bliss got into them again."

"Afraid not, Warrior Babe. I'm the Goddess of Love. I know the real thing when I see it. This is 100% natural and organic love. Can't you feel it?" she asked cautiously.

Xena didn't answer. She averted her eyes from the Love Goddess and looked at Ares again, meeting his gaze. She saw the yearning in his eyes for her to answer, for her to accept this.

"Can't you feel what I do?" his voice was barely a whisper.

Xena still avoided the question. Instead, she buried her face in her hands. "I wish I could remember."

"But you can! Kind of anyway," Aphrodite perked up, thinking that confirming her dreams as reality would help.

Xena looked up at her and waited for Aphrodite to continue.

"Your dreams. I know you've been having them because I did try to help. When I sat on Argo and grabbed your waterskin the other day, I put a remembering spell on it so that your memories would start to come back to you in your dreams."

"That's why you were acting so weird," Xena almost chuckled. "I never expected to see you on a horse."

"Well, I had to get to your waterskin before you so that my plan would work. You can thank me anytime you want…"

"Thanks, I guess," Xena mumbled. Her mind went back over her recent dreams. She understood now why they gave her such as sense of déjà vu. Still, dreaming them wasn't quite the same as truly remembering those moments and everything else around them. A thought occurred to her then as she recalled the scene of her nursing her daughter – their daughter – in the little farm house.

"Wait," Xena spoke suddenly, "If those dreams were our memories… what about the of us with the baby. I was in a farmhouse, nursing her, and Ares was cooking breakfast."

"That one has nothing to do with me. My spell would only show you your memories. If the baby was in the dream, it couldn't be a memory," she thought about it. "Maybe just an actual dream? Like a desire or fantasy?" she suggested.

"It must have been a fantasy if I was cooking," Ares added.

"Very funny," Xena looked at him puzzled. "You didn't have that dream?"

"No… I mean you could definitely call mine fantasies coming true, but nothing like that. Did you have others about the baby?"

"None of scenes after she was born," Xena thought about this.

Ares placed his hands on the footboard and leaned forward. Though there was still some awkwardness he was glad that Xena wasn't overtly angry at him. She seemed to be coming around to accepting this reality.

"Well, it does seem to mean one thing," he said.

"What's that?" Xena asked, hopeful of an explanation.

"Carrying my child really has been your dream," he smiled at her. Xena grabbed the pillow from Aphrodite and hit him with it. Ares laughed and though Xena couldn't bring herself to join in, she at least smiled at him.

"Well… I think you guys need some alone time… to talk that is," Aphrodite smiled as she watched the two joke with each other. She disappeared then, leaving them alone.

Ares joined Xena on the bed, sitting next to her and slowly reached for her hand with one of his own. Even though the gesture felt new to her, it also felt familiar. Xena let him take her hand and hold it as he looked at her.

"You took that better than I expected," he finally broke the silence. "I expected weapons to be thrown."

"Saving it for Zeus and Athena I guess," she responded evenly.

After several more moments of silence, Xena asked the question that was on both of their minds. "Now what?"

Ares sighed. "It's your call. Whatever you want I'll be there for. If it's to fight by your side, to raise our child, or to be your partner. I know this is new to both of us… again… but if feels right to me. It feels like everything makes sense now. If it doesn't feel that way for you, though, I won't push it. Just let me be a part of her life and you can call all the other shots."

Xena didn't know what to say to this. She wasn't used to this side of him. He wasn't trying to win her over. He wasn't manipulating anything. He was showing his emotions to her in a way he hadn't before. She searched his eyes and saw true love there. In that moment, she knew he was sincere that he would do what she asked for her and their daughter without forcing himself on her. She searched for the words to tell him that she needed time to think about this, but that she wanted him around at the same time.

Before Xena could form the words to respond with, two silver chalices intricately engraved with hearts and bows and arrows appeared on the dresser. Aphrodite's voice flowed through the air, "You deserve to know the whole truth, you're welcome."

Both warriors glanced at the chalices then locked eyes with each other, trying to read what the other's mind.

"It's your call," Ares said.

Xena reached for both chalices, handed one to Ares, then held hers out. "Cheers," she said. They tapped glasses and each took a sip. The liquid inside was cool and smooth. It was clear like water but tasted of berries and lavender. It wasn't unpleasant. As each emptied their chalice, they placed them back on the dresser. They looked at each other quizzically as if they weren't sure it worked. Then a vision played before both of their eyes.

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Xena was making camp for the night with Gabrielle, Joxer, and Amarice. They were headed back to Greece after leaving Eli behind at Kalib's house to study the scrolls housed there. Xena was glad to have her memory back and glad to be back from the dead – again. She felt off though, as if something were missing. Maybe she was just missing her old chakram. This new one was impressive, she had to admit it. She had two weapons in one now. Still, the old chakram had been with her for so long, it was like it became a part of her. She already missed it. That was the only thing she was missing, right? Gabrielle could sense Xena's mood so opted to give her some space and instead sat with Amarice. Amarice was recapping the adventure of stealing Xena and Gabrielle's bodies from the Romans and getting them to the temple that Eli had found. Joxer was still nearby, but he and Gabrielle hadn't said much to each other since he shared his feelings. He was also taking some time to himself, lost in his own thoughts.

Xena could feel Ares lurking nearby. She contemplated if it was a good idea to give him an audience right now. She felt used by him. She wasn't back from the dead more than a day before he was trying to manipulate her into obtaining one of the most powerful weapons known to man or god. If she didn't give him the time though, she doubted he would leave her alone. There was a part of her that longed to see him, which she hated to admit to herself. After the Dahak situation, he had stayed away for a while. Embarrassed maybe? Ashamed? She wasn't sure. It had been sometime since they had crossed paths, much more than she was used to. Truth be told, she wondered about him while he stayed away; where he was, what he was doing, who he was doing it with. She realized that she was thinking too much about him now. She shook her head to clear her thoughts but his presence lingered. Might as well get this over with, she thought to herself.

"I'm going for a walk," she announced to the group as she rose to her feet.

"Oh, okay," Gabrielle knew Xena needed some space but she didn't think it would be that much space. "Want some company?"

"Not particularly." Xena noticed the rejection on Gabrielle's face. "I just need a walk to clear my head. I'll be fine," she tried to reassure the bard.

Xena turned and left the campsite. About a hundred paces away or so, she stopped. His presence was still around her. So, there was something he wanted to discuss.

"This hardly looks like an acropolis. Isn't that what you said when you last left, 'see you around the acropolis?'" Xena knew then that he'd be back around soon, she just didn't think this soon.

Ares appeared in front of her. "Sorry. I just couldn't stay away that long. I needed to see you. I know that I stayed away for a while, but that was a mistake."

Xena wondered if Ares thought he could have somehow prevented her death if he had been around. It didn't matter now. She was back and she was glad for it. Still, she didn't appreciate him spying on her.

"Nice to be back and see that you haven't changed at all," she said in reference to his spying.

"Why change perfection?" Ares grinned at her.

"Perfection? That's a bit of an exaggeration." Xena noticed a fallen tree and took a seat on it.

"Really? So, then what would you change about me?" Ares sauntered towards her, but instead of joining her on the log, leaned against a tree that was still standing in front of her.

Xena knew he was baiting her into a debate. She knew that it could lead to a scrimmage. She should just walk away, she thought to herself. Part of her missed these interactions though. Besides, what could a little sword play in the woods really hurt if that's what it came to?

"Ha! Gabrielle doesn't have enough parchment to hold the list," she threw the first verbal punch, preparing for him to retaliate.

"Why must you always make a joke of me when I am trying to have a serious conversation with you? I mean it, Xena, what would you change about me?"

Xena was not prepared for this response. This isn't the conversation she expected to have. "You can't be serious. You really want to work on yourself? What like personal growth? Ares, you're the God of War. You're never going to change." Her tone was matter-of-fact, and it hurt.

"You think you know me so well," Ares became defensive.

"Oh, I know that I do. Ares, I've known you for years. You've always been the same God of War."

His jaw tensed and his eyes flashed with anger and something else – pain maybe. His voice rose and all the joking was put aside. "Oh really? Well, if you do truly know me so well, do you know this? Do you know that I searched for you, Xena? I searched a lot! I knew that you had traveled to India, but I knew the instant you were back in Greece. All of the sudden, you were gone again though. It didn't make any sense. I couldn't sense you anymore, anywhere. I went to India, to Chin, to The Land of the Pharaohs. You weren't anywhere. Then I found out that you died. It still didn't make sense though. I should have been able to sense you in the Elysian Fields, or gods forbid Tartarus. But I couldn't. I went there anyway to be sure. Then I went to Hades. He didn't know what after life you had ended up in, but it wasn't in his domain. I didn't know how to find you, but I had to try.

"So, I started to reach out to other deities. Some would entertain me. Others wanted nothing to do with me. Either way, no one seemed to know where you were. This is how I got involved with Kal again and the whole chakram thing came up. I was trying to find you and stumbled across this. That's not important now though.

"This new God of Eli is mysterious, even more mysterious than Dahak. I didn't know how to get an audience with him and no one I talked to seemed to know either. Eventually, I was convinced that must be where you are; in whatever afterlife he oversees. I don't know why you would end up there, but it broke me that I couldn't get to you. I always knew that you would die one day, seeing as you've always been too stubborn to become my immortal warrior queen. I thought that I would at least be able to see you still though, to visit with you in the Elysian Fields. It never dawned on me that I could lose you for good, that I would be completely cut off from you for the rest of eternity. For the first time in my entire existence, I didn't want to live anymore. I couldn't imagine a future without you in it in some way."

"Really Ares?" Xena replied. "This obsession you have for me is going too far."

"It's not an obsession!" Ares bellowed. Suddenly he was right in front of her. "Not just an obsession anyway. Can't you see that by now?"

"Then what is it?" Xena spoke evenly and cooly, challenging him to admit his feelings.

"You know what it is," his voice lowered but the intensity in his eyes continued to blaze.

"Why can't you just say it? Just say what it is! You claim that the thought of existing as a god without my mere presence around made you want to end your immortal life. You claim that you were so distraught over losing me that you searched to the ends of the Earth for me. But when you find out I'm back – risen from the literal dead – your first move is to manipulate me to your benefit… again. Come on, Ares."

"I know! I know that I shouldn't have! Honestly the chakram thing was a situation that presented itself in my search for you. It really wasn't the main purpose. When I felt your presence rise again, and so close to Kal's temple, it all came together. I shouldn't have used you that way, but I just needed to see you, to be close to you. I never go about it the right way with you. I never know what you'll tolerate or allow from me, but I know that you'll always confront me when I pull you into these games. If that's the only way I can see you, then that's what I use."

"How can you expect me to tolerate someone – "

"I know!" Ares cut her off. "You don't have to explain it. I don't know how to do this, Xena. I don't know how to tell you or show you how I feel. I thought I could this time. I thought that with you literally coming back from the dead, this could be my second chance. That I could do this right this time. I panicked, and I messed up again. I know!"

Xena's tone softened to a level Ares' hadn't heard in a long time. She met his stare and didn't waver. "Then do it now."

"Do what?" Ares didn't think he could be understanding her correctly.

"Tell me now. Tell me how you feel."

"You're kind of putting me on the spot," Ares' intensity started to ease into a nervous energy.

"Okay," Xena stood, "So, like I thought, nothing has changed." She started to walk away from him back to her campsite. Ares watched her get about ten steps away.

"I love you! I love you, Xena."

Xena stopped and turned back. She took in the sight of him standing there. He allowed himself to be completely vulnerable with her. It surprised her, not that he loved her but that he would actually admit it.

"I know," was all she said.

"I mean it," Ares dared to take a couple steps toward her and close some of the distance. "This isn't a game or a manipulation. I am really, truly in love with you. It's not an obsession. You're not a passing phase. I will always love you."

"I know," Xena said again.

"You know?" Ares asked incredulously

"I always have. I thought that when I stopped leading your army, was no longer the Destroyer of Nations, you would get over losing your favorite and find someone new. You never left me alone though. You were always there… watching, interfering. Was it annoying? Yeah. But I also came to realize it was you wanting to be around me. Somewhere in all of that I realized that you must have real feelings for me."

"Okay… so you did know. Does-does this change anything?" Ares asked tentatively.

"Ares, look at how you treat me. You're not good for me."

Ares took several more steps towards her. He wasn't sure it was the right move, but she wasn't backing away. "Let me try -"

"Ares…" Xena attempted to cut him off but Ares quickly took control again.

"No, Xena! Let me talk." She didn't protest so Ares continued. "Really, please, let me try for real. I know I haven't honestly tried before. I've done everything all wrong but I want to change that. Let me in. Let me get to know you -Xena the Warrior Princess, not the Destroyer of Nations. Sure, I see the things you do. I want to know how you think, what you feel. Let me in to really understand your purpose now. Let me learn how to be good for you."

"Ares…" Xena sighed. "It's so much."

"But it's not!" he protested. "I can be both the God of War and the perfect match for you. I know it. Yes, it will take some adjustments. But you are all the reason and motivation I need to make it work. I can't lose you again. There can't be that many differences between us to keep us apart." Ares felt like he was pleading now, but this was his chance and he had to take it.

"It's not that. It's so much… to lose. It's so much that will hurt. What if I let you in, let you try, and you let me down? I don't know if I can handle that." She had never allowed herself to share any thoughts even close to this with him before. It surprised her how easy it was to let him hear these fears.

"What are you saying?" he asked.

"I don't want to get hurt."

"No… about me. What are you saying about me? How do you feel about me?"

"Ares, don't," she warned.

"Yes!" he persisted. "You made me say it. Now you say it! How do you feel about me?"

"What? Why would you – I mean, I can't…" as she stumbled over her words, she turned to leave. She started to bound back toward camp but Ares quickly closed the distance between them, grabbed her arm, and forced her to turn back around to face him.

"I love you too, dammit!" she finally shouted.

Ares wasted no time, he pulled her toward him and kissed her, forcefully and passionately until she gave in and kissed him back. The fire that ignited between them in that moment was fueled by years of built-up tensions and feelings. They knew that that there was no going back now.

He released her lips and whispered, "I know too."

Xena didn't speak, she just raised an eyebrow to ask how.

"Do you sense every god's presence the moment they are in your vicinity? And, no matter what I've put you through, you don't completely write me off. There have been several times that you even helped me, though I know I didn't deserve it. I got you stuck in Callisto's body, but you still helped me get my godhood back. You could have let me rot away as a poor excuse for a human, but you didn't. Besides, you've had your moments of weakness too… being strung up in that prison when you were on trial for murders I committed. You may have been playing me as much as I was playing you, but you enjoyed our visits. I saw it in your eyes."

"Aren't you intuitive?" Xena teased. There was no reason to deny anything he said. They both knew it was all true.

"So… what do we do now?" Ares asked. He held his breath waiting for the answer.

"I don't know. This is bound to be an uphill battle. If we were to make something work between us, there has to be changes. I know you're the God of War and some things won't change, but I need you to care more about mortals – not just me. I need you to think more about the greater good. I know it's asking a lot."

"It's not a lot," Ares insisted. "Now that I've felt what it's like to lose you, nothing is too much."

"There's our families," Xena added. "I doubt they'll understand."

"Who cares?" Ares retorted. "No one needs to understand but us."
"There's Gabrielle," she added.

"Right… I take it she's not going anywhere?" Xena shook her head as a response. "She'll learn to love me," Ares added.

Xena just raised an eyebrow.

"She'll learn to tolerate me," Ares reframed.

Xena stared in his eyes and silently wondered if this was the biggest mistake or the best decision of her life. There were so many things that could stand between them and so many things to figure out. She decided not to focus on any of those things right now though. Instead, she laid her head on his chest and breathed in deeply, inhaling his scent, something that she had been missing for so long. Ares wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. He placed a kiss on the top of her head.

"Is this for real?" he whispered.

Xena smiled. "I think it is."

"Don't leave me again," he closed his eyes to fight back a tear that had formed.

"Don't push me away," she held him tighter.

"I promise to try my best."

"Me too."

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