A/N: As always, my gratitude to Jan, Barbara, and Alison for their great feedback on this chapter.

Chapter 12

March 2013

The first week in March, Will needed to go to Copenhagen to check out the offshore wind project that WPD was funding. He also wanted to visit a couple of other North Sea sites and meet with a group of European scientists who were working on some interesting new wind- and wave-power technologies. The E.U. was way ahead of the U.S. on renewables, he explained to Lizzy. He flew out on Sunday afternoon so that he'd have all day Monday to work, and he planned to come back on Friday night so he could head to Connecticut on Saturday morning for family therapy with Georgie. And, horrors! He had to fly commercial, because the little WPD corporate jet was too small to cross the Atlantic. Too bad the Concorde had stopped flying. At least he had a first class seat that folded down completely flat, though.

Lizzy knew that it would be challenging to have Emma on her own for a whole week, but of course she wouldn't be entirely on her own, right? Elena would still come on her regular schedule, and she had asked Gabby to help her out on Tuesday and Thursday evenings after she'd had Emma all day. She was a much more confident mother by now, anyway. Everything would be all right.

Around three o'clock on Sunday afternoon, Lizzy and Emma saw Will off in front of the building. He kissed them both and turned to get into the town car to head to Newark. Emma reached out for him and started to cry, so he came back to take her out of Lizzy's arms and give her some more kisses. When he raised his eyes to Lizzy's to give Emma back to her, she could see that they looked a little moist. Sweet man. Then he got into the back of the car and was off, waving as the car pulled away.

Lizzy and Emma stopped to say hello to Rodrigo, the weekend doorman, when they went back into the building.

"Oh! Look at her!" he said, pushing back his doorman's cap. "She's getting so big. Before you know it, she'll be all grown up. Seeing her, I miss my kids when they were babies."

"How old are they now?" Lizzy asked.

"Oh, you know. Twenty-five, twenty-seven, and thirty. But it still seems like yesterday they were little like this. I can't wait for grandkids."

They chatted for a little while longer before Lizzy and Emma headed upstairs.

Just as they arrived at their floor and stepped out of the elevator, Lizzy's phone rang. It was Elena, clearly in a panic, although she was trying to speak in a calm voice.

"Lizzy, my family, we have an emergency. My mother went back home to Santo Domingo to see my sister, and something happened. She's very sick. Maybe a stroke. The doctors don't know how much longer she's going to live. I'm so sorry, I need to ask for emergency family leave. I need to go to her. And Gabby, too. They're so close. Is it OK? I'm sorry—"

Lizzy let herself into the apartment. "Elena, no, no, don't be sorry. Of course you should go, as soon as you can. Have you bought plane tickets yet? Will and I will get them for you if you haven't. I know they'll be really expensive on short notice."

"No, no, I have enough money saved up. I'll do it."

"Please, let us take care of it. If you can tell me when you want to fly, I'll get the tickets booked, OK? Really, I mean it. I'll talk to a travel agent or something. Please just worry about getting yourselves ready to go."

Elena paused, unsure about this. It crossed the line between the personal and the professional really uncomfortably. "Are you sure? It's not in the contract, and I don't want to be any trouble to you."

"I understand. No, it's not any trouble. Please, I'd feel really bad if you had to worry about the cost. Let's just get you to your mother as fast as possible, OK?"

In the end, Elena agreed, although she made it clear she was worried about being an imposition.

After they hung up, Lizzy thought for a minute about how she should handle this. She'd said she would call a travel agent, but it was Sunday so everything would be closed. Should she call Ahmed and ask for his help? She knew that Will would, no question. His PA was available to him 24/7, in his mind. But it was the weekend, and Ahmed and Phil were hurrying to get the nursery ready for their new daughter, who was due to be born any time. When she thought about it some more, though, she wondered if she could actually even book a ticket online for someone else using her credit card, especially on an international flight. She realized she hadn't asked for Elena's passport number of any of that other security stuff you needed these days. Crap. It was probably best to call Ahmed and see if he could help.

So she did call Ahmed as she paced around the apartment with Emma strapped to her chest. Ahmed said he was at Pottery Barn shopping for baby furniture when she asked if he was busy and apologized for intruding on his weekend. But apparently he was used to being interrupted like this, because he very happily assured her that it was no problem, he'd take care of it in a jiffy if she would just give him Elena and Gabby's phone numbers.

As she hung up, she suddenly realized that she had just been an active participant in making sure she would have absolutely no help with child care for the foreseeable future. She sat down heavily on the sofa to think about what the hell she was going to do about it.

The nanny agency through which they'd hired Elena guaranteed that they would provide backup care if a nanny called in sick or couldn't come to work for some other reason. So probably she should just call them and tell them she needed help, right? On the other hand, if she did, she would probably have to tell them that they were paying Elena full time, but only had her come in three afternoons a week. That was a violation of their contract, technically, and they were supposed to have revised the contract if they changed the terms of employment. Hmm. Maybe it was better not to do that. She supposed she could just ask the service to find them a babysitter for a few hours at a time. It was hard to know how long Elena would be gone, so it was impossible to predict exactly when she'd need help. Probably she should count on at least a week. She checked out the nanny agency's website and was reminded that they needed 24-hour notice to send over a babysitter. But when she thought about it, she wasn't sure she was ready to hand Emma over to a stranger, anyway.

Lizzy decided she'd give it a try and see how well she did for a few days without a sitter. If things got hard, she'd call for help. She was an experienced mother now, and she had places they could go, people they could see. Monday, she and Emma could go on a spontaneous all-day outing. The library, maybe? The aquarium? No, that was still closed for repairs after Hurricane Sandy. The Bronx Zoo or the zoo in Central Park? No, it was still too cold to be outside for very long. They already had plans for outings and events scattered throughout the week. Maybe she'd see what Jane thought about the idea of a visit from her sister and niece. If she broke it down into discrete chunks, she could probably handle it, and she'd call for help if she really needed it. OK, she could deal with this.

She texted Will and told him not to worry, but Elena and Gabby had had to head off to the Dominican Republic. He phoned her back immediately from the gate at the airport.

"Do you want me to turn around and come home right now?" he asked.

"No, no. Do what you need to do. I have things under control. I think. Mostly I'm just worried for Elena. By the way, I had Ahmed buy tickets for her and Gabby. I hope that's OK."

"Good, good. Thank you for taking care of that. Look, they're making the boarding announcement for first class, but I'll call you when I get in. Maybe we can Skype with Emma, if she's still awake?"

"Sounds good. Have a safe flight. Love you."

"Damn commercial airlines, it's like a damn cattle drive in here," he grumbled, apparently in response to a big rush to the service desk going on around him. Only he would say that about first class, she thought. "Call me if you need me, OK? Any time. Love you too. Bye."

Of course she wouldn't call and interrupt him, but it was nice he'd said that, she thought. She looked down at Emma in her arms and said, "Well, my dear, we have an interesting few days ahead of us! Let's bond, shall we?"

Later, Elena called to say that Ahmed had booked their tickets and that she and Gabby would be off to Santo Domingo in the morning.

"Please let me know how your mom is doing, Elena. I hesitate to call because I don't want to intrude, but we'll be thinking of her, and you, and hoping for the best."

That evening she and Emma had fun together. They took about two hours to eat dinner, and they played after that, and it was all very cozy and nice. Lizzy called Jane to ask if she might be interested in having visitors one day that week. Jane was delighted and asked Lizzy if she'd like to come on Wednesday, when she imagined Lizzy might need a break. Some of Jane's friends from her grad school days would be visiting. She thought Lizzy would enjoy them. Lizzy happily agreed to the plan.

Jane said, "It's hard taking care of a baby for a long time with no breaks at all. If you want to come earlier and stay overnight, you're always welcome, OK?"

"Thanks, Jane. I appreciate that. For now let's just plan on Wednesday, how's that?"

Afterwards, she and Emma had some more cuddles, and then she brushed her teeth and got into her pajamas before nursing Emma down for the night and falling asleep herself.

Will called at 11 o'clock right after he got in, very early in the morning in Copenhagen.

"Oh God, did I wake you? I'm sorry. Are you OK?"

Still groggy, she told him all was well, asked how the flight had been, and listened patiently when he complained that the Champagne had been too warm and the paté too cold. She laughed to herself and managed one "poor baby," hoping it sounded sympathetic enough.

The next day, Lizzy and Emma had a busy, idyllic day together. After a quick morning chat with Will at 7 o'clock, which was just after lunchtime for him in Copenhagen, they hit the children's museum for an hour and then the local public library's kids' book section. Nobody was going to object to a nursing mother or a sleeping baby in either of those places, so Emma had her mid-morning feedings and a quick snooze while they were out. After that, they went out for lunch near the library, and then headed up to Bella's Place for Lizzy's regular volunteer work at the shelter in the afternoon. At first she'd planned to take a taxi to all these places, but then she had thought better of it when she'd remembered she'd have to lug the carseat and all the other baby crap with her. So she had called the car service and asked for a town car to drive them around all day. She thought Will would probably be pleased to hear that. Thus it was a ritzy town car that delivered her to the rather rundown Bella's Place, which felt a little weird.

"Oooh, look at who we have here!" squealed Tanya, Donna's assistant, when Lizzy peeked around the doorway of her office. Emma was strapped to Lizzy's chest as usual. Tanya immediately started in with the coochy-coo stuff.

"My, my! What a little beauty! Look at those big, smart eyes!" called Donna as she came out of the inner director's office to check out why the baby alarm had been sounded. Emma kicked and gurgled as if she knew Donna was talking about her. "Oh, she's going to give you hell, isn't she?"

Lizzy rolled her eyes and confirmed that she was already well on the way to doing so.

The volunteer coordinator, Adriana, and a couple of other staffers wandered in to check out the excitement.

"Finally, we get to meet her! Look at those cheeks, so plump and juicy-looking I just want to eat them up!" said Adriana as she leaned in to peer at Emma. She and all of the other women looked, but didn't touch. They had enough babies come through the shelter that they knew better. "To what do we owe the honor today?" she asked.

"Well, Will is out of town this week, and our nanny had to take some family time suddenly, so I just thought I'd bring her in instead of canceling today."

"So you're alone with the baby all week?" Adriana wanted to know.

Lizzy confirmed that, and all the women clucked and shook their heads knowingly and chorused their disapproval.

"No, no, you need some help."

"That's not a good idea, honey."

"That's crazy. Don't try to be a hero."

"Do you need a babysitter? My daughter is home for spring break. She could help you out."

Lizzy laughed and replied, "OK, OK, I get it. You're right, I need help so I can take a shower, at least. All right, I'll get something arranged for later in the week."

Adriana set her to work at a big table in a back room sorting donations with another volunteer. This was challenging with Emma still strapped in place, but they managed. After a while she took a break to nurse Emma in the common room. As she sank down into the saggy sofa, she was amused to notice that it was a ringer for her dilapidated old green couch, the one she'd had from law school and gotten rid of when she'd moved in with Will. As she sat and chatted with a couple of the women who, with their kids, were living in the shelter, she thought that she would talk to Donna about getting some new furniture before she left today.

By 5 o'clock, Lizzy and Emma were headed home in the town car, driven by a friendly Haitian man who during the course of the day had revealed that his name was Stephane. Mom and baby were both exhausted and cranky. Emma yowled the entire way home, and Lizzy realized she had been a bit overambitious with their plans for the day. The women at Bella's Place were right, she shouldn't try to do this alone. What the hell had she been thinking? How did single moms manage? She couldn't begin to imagine. Now she still had to organize dinner for herself and give Emma a bath and do a long list of other things, including trying to touch base with Will.

It was time to get her act together, obviously. From the car, she called Chinese Dumpling Gourmet and put in an order for delivery. She called the nanny agency and asked them to send her a fill-in babysitter for all day Thursday and for Friday morning. She didn't explain why she needed one, and they didn't inquire. It was hard to hear what anyone said over the racket of Emma's shrieks, but she managed.

Later, Will called from Copenhagen. He was tired after not much sleep on the plane the night before, a long day at work, jet lag and too much white food for dinner. "God, so many potatoes. Who puts mayo on french fries, anyway?" he griped.

"Well, just about everyone in Northern Europe, in my experience," Lizzy answered, surreptitiously jamming the last dumpling into her mouth and trying to chew quietly. "I thought I had heard that the new Danish cuisine was fantastic, and that there were falafel stands on every corner in Copenhagen. Maybe try that next time."

"I know, but at these business things they just keep shoving these huge plates of cod at me all the time. And herring. Soooo much herring."

"I know. Too much pickled herring is tough to handle. Look, how about if we switch over to FaceTime so you can see Emma?"

He agreed.

"OK, hang on. I'm going to put the phone down while I get Emma out of her high chair."

After she set down the phone, Lizzy hastily pushed the cartons from her dumplings and Chinese broccoli and dipping sauce a little farther away to make sure Will wouldn't be able to see them. She unbuckled Emma from the high chair and pulled her onto her lap. Then she picked up the phone and started FaceTime.

As soon as Emma saw Will's face, she smiled and waved her arms and reached for him. Lizzy could have sworn she said "Da da!"

"Did you hear that?! She said 'da da'! Oh my God!"

"Are you sure?" asked Will. "It sounded like 'bluh bluh' to me."

"Nope, definitely 'da da'. She misses you. Let's see if we can get her to say it again."

A few minutes of this helped tease Will back into a better mood, even though Emma never repeated "da da." Lizzy knew that Will couldn't resist it when Emma giggled, so she unsnapped Emma's romper and blew bubbles on her tummy until she obliged with a delighted baby laugh. Sure enough, something pretty close to a smile finally appeared on Will's face.

After she calmed down, Emma started to fuss, so Lizzy put her over her shoulder and rubbed her back. She propped the phone up against her water glass so she could use both hands to hold Emma.

"Are you OK, sweetheart? You seem, I don't know, grumpy." she asked. He also looked gray and haggard.

"Yeah. I just miss you two, I guess. Are you doing all right by yourself?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Tired. We miss you, too. We're going to take it easy tomorrow, stay at home, I think, and go to see Jane Wednesday. Then I'm going to have a babysitter Thursday and Friday."

"Good, good thinking. Are you sure you don't need me to come home early?"

"No, it's OK. I know your thing there is important, and we'll be all right."

"OK, if you're sure."

"You look exhausted. Why don't you go to bed?"

"Oh, you know, I'm all turned around. I don't know whether it's day or night. I didn't sleep much on the plane. I guess I could try to nap," he said doubtfully. Actually his eyelids were drooping and it looked like he might drop off any second.

"Right. Well, you go rest your eyes, and we'll talk to you tomorrow. Call when you can, OK?"

He yawned, his jaw cracking a little. "All right. Let me see Emma one more time."

Lizzy turned Emma back around and sat her down to look at Will on the phone. "Say night-night to Dada, Emma." Emma drooled and smiled in response.

"Good night, Emma. Good night, baby. Bye bye. I love you."

Emma started to cry when she heard him say goodbye.

"OK, good night, love," said Lizzy, turning Emma back to her shoulder and soothing her. "Hope you can sleep."

"Good night, sweetheart," he said. That was odd, thought Lizzy. He hardly ever used endearments. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Good night." They waved to each other and ended the call.

Lizzy finally got Emma to calm down, and then she held her over her shoulder while she cleaned up the dinner things, and while she used the toilet, and while she got out Emma's pajamas and got ready to give her a bath in the little baby bathtub. Lizzy wasn't sure whether all this holding was for Emma's sake, or for her own. They took their time with the bath, and that was nice, especially compared to their usual rush to the bedtime finish line. A lot of chores weren't so bad if you had all the time in the world, she thought.

She got Emma all dried off and dressed, and it was still only 8 o'clock. What to do for the next two hours? They went into the living room and Emma played for a while on the baby gym, quietly batting around the toys hanging from above.

The apartment seemed silent and empty with just the two of them in it. She and Emma were alone there together all the time, but somehow at night it felt different. Now and then she could hear neighbors' voices in the hallway, or the elevator bell dinging, or a speeding truck outside booming when it hit the pothole just down the street. These were the usual evening sounds in the building, but tonight they made her feel especially alone. She decided to take Emma into the entertainment room, dragging the baby gym in after them and settling Emma back into it. She turned on the TV and flipped around aimlessly, looking for something to watch on the approximately 1.5 million channels they got on cable.

Finally she gave up and put in a DVD instead. It was "The Awful Truth," starring Cary Grant and Irene Dunne. She pulled Emma up into her lap.

"OK, Emma, let's start your film history education. This is one of the great movies of all time. It's a screwball comedy, and that man is Cary Grant, who is the handsomest man in the whole world except for your daddy. This kind of movie is called a 'comedy of divorce and re-marriage.' See the little dog? Isn't he cute? His name is Asta, and he's very famous. Maybe next time we can watch 'The Thin Man,' and you can see him again. He can do great tricks. Watch him jump!"

After the movie was over, it was bedtime, and so Lizzy nursed Emma to sleep in the bed and then got up to take a shower, her first in a couple of days. She took the baby monitor into the bathroom with her, just in case Emma woke up. After she had finished showering and dried her hair, she went out into the dark living room in her pajamas and robe. She stood in the front window and watched the lights in Central Park across the street. They were pretty, but they didn't sparkle the way they did when Will watched them with her.

She turned and padded back to the bedroom, turning off the lights as she went. She got under the covers and snuggled Emma up to her chest, hoping her baby-warmth would comfort her to sleep. Slowly, she drifted off.

That night, Emma was very fussy. She woke up every two hours to nurse, just like she had when she was really little, and once she didn't go back to sleep for more than an hour after she nursed. Lizzy had to get up and hold her and rock her and sing "Rockabye Baby" all the way through nine hundred times before she finally fell back to sleep.

Perhaps because of her nighttime waking, Emma slept a little later than usual in the morning, till 6:45. Lizzy woke up feeling like she'd been hit by a truck, but Emma seemed perky and happy and gave no indication of why she might possibly have been so fussy all night. Who the hell knew why? She was a baby, that was why.

Lizzy changed Emma, fed and dressed her, and then managed to yank some clothes onto her own body and drag a comb through her hair before she snapped it into a ponytail holder.

Will called just as she was walking, Emma on her hip, into the kitchen. She sat down in the breakfast nook to take the call on FaceTime.

"Hi. I just have a minute here before a meeting, but I wanted to see how you two were doing. And I wanted to wish her a happy five-month birthday," Will said, smiling at Emma.

"Oh, man, I'd forgotten all about that," Lizzy moaned. "We had a rough night."

"Did she have gas again? What have you been feeding her?"

"Don't give me a hard time, OK?" Lizzy snapped. "I don't need that right now." She thought to herself, and how the hell would you know what gives her gas, anyway?

"Hey, take it easy. I'm just saying, I've just noticed that sometimes she gets gassy when she eats peas or prunes."

"Huh." Imagine that, he had been paying attention. More than she had, apparently. "I did feed her some peas last night."

"Well, maybe that's it." She saw him look away and talk to someone over his shoulder. "Damn, I have to go. Tonight I'm heading to Hamburg to meet with those research scientists about their North Sea windpower project. I'll try to catch up with you later tonight, OK?"

They signed off, and once again Emma cried when he said goodbye.

Somehow, the call made her feel like the day was stretching out interminably in front of her, and all of a sudden she felt like she didn't want to, or maybe couldn't, handle it all on her own. She hadn't realized how much Will's presence made a difference in her day, and how much his holding Emma, or taking a turn changing her, or a million other small things, lightened her load every morning and every evening.

She was blearily working her way through some cereal with Emma on her knee, trying to think about how to get through the day, when she remembered Jane's earlier invitation to come early and stay overnight. That sounded like a good idea, after the night she'd had. So she called Jane and asked if they could come today instead of Wednesday. Jane warmly agreed and said she'd have something yummy ready for lunch.

Lizzy quickly made a list of the things she needed to take to Jane's, and then she started packing. It took a while, because an overnight trip required a lot of baby gear, and because she also had to watch and hold Emma, who still wouldn't tolerate swings or bouncy seats. Finally she put Emma into the front carrier after she'd almost dropped her while trying to drag the pack 'n play out of the closet with one hand.

Around 11, she thought they were finally ready to go, so she called Jane and let her know they were on their way. Just as she was getting ready to start taking the bags down to the lobby, she got a telltale whiff from Emma's diaper. Oh, dear.

It was a Category IV blowout, spreading to distant locations, and it took almost 20 minutes to get Emma cleaned up, her diaper changed, and her new clothes on. By the time she was finally put back together, it was already almost noon. Lizzy hated being late because she thought it was discourteous to make other people wait. Before Emma, she had never been late. Just another way things were different now, she supposed.

It took Lizzy five minutes to load the elevator as, with Emma strapped to her chest, she dragged all their gear and bags down to the front desk with one hand. David, the doorman, saw her and rushed to her aid, but the hard part was already done.

"Lizzy, please, next time you can call me for things like this! I have a cart, and it's my job to help people with bags," he chided her, very politely of course.

She apologized, and then, carrying Emma and her hated car seat, she hiked over to the garage around the corner and retrieved the SUV. She parked the car out front while Emma howled from her car seat and David helped her load everything inside. One of the bags wouldn't fit in the car, so she left it with David.

In the back seat, Emma screamed louder with every passing block. She was hungry. She was angry. In a frenzy, she cried the whole way to Chappaqua except for about six minutes on the Saw Mill Parkway. Lizzy tried driving with one hand while reaching back to calm Emma by patting her on the head, but she gave up after she almost hit a gigantic Escalade while trying to avoid a dead raccoon on the road. By the time Lizzy pulled up in the Bingleys' massive suburban driveway, after 1 o'clock, she was frantic. She jumped out of the car and went around to climb into the back seat, where she nursed Emma until they both calmed down. The entire time, the driver-side door was open and the bell dinged to remind her that the key was still in the ignition.

After a few minutes, Jane opened the giant front door and came out of the house with Tyler on her hip to see what was going on, Aiden trailing behind. As usual she was sunny and cheery and had a golden halo from the sun shining behind her. Tyler and Aiden looked like little angels, too.

"There you are! Sorry it took me a few minutes to get out here. The boys and I just spent the morning making fun little organic giraffe snacks out of rice crispies and raisins, and I had to wash the honey off my hands."

"Oh, just kill me now," muttered Lizzy. She was officially the worst mother ever.

"Just a minute, Jane. Let me finish up here..."

But Emma wasn't about to give up her precious boob without a fight, so eventually Lizzy gave up and walked into Jane's beautiful cathedral-ceilinged foyer and living room with Emma still latched on, hoping the neighbors wouldn't see she had her shirt hiked up. The houses were all really far apart, so maybe she was safe. Jane thoughtfully retrieved Lizzy's keys and closed the car door.

"There you go. All set! We'll get your bags later. Would you like some lemonade? Come on into the dining room and have something to eat."

Lizzy followed her into the dining room, saying "Thanks a lot, Jane. We had a really bad drive. She just wouldn't stop crying." She plopped down on a dining room chair, Emma still firmly latched on in her lap.

Giving her a sympathetic look, Jane said, "I know, it's really hard sometimes, isn't it? Look, I made us some chicken sandwiches. A new organic bakery just opened up in town, and this is some of their multigrain bread." She put a plate with a sandwich on it in front of Lizzy. "And the meat is nitrite-free, low-sodium free-range chicken. It's delicious. It actually tastes like chicken. I think you'll like it."

Her mouth full, Lizzy mumbled her agreement. "Mmmph, delishhsm."

"The boys have already eaten, and I ate with them, but I'll sit with you. Boys, can you play with the train set in the living room?"

They did, and Jane sat chattering away about her organic food fetish while Lizzy scarfed down the sandwich and an organic apple and Emma nursed till she finally fell asleep. After that, they all moved into the living room, where Aiden silently and with great concentration assembled complex wooden train track systems and Tyler babbled and chewed on his wooden Thomas, Percy and Gordon engines.

Seeing Jane in action with Aiden and Tyler in the hour or so before their nap made Lizzy feel even more inadequate than usual. Jane encouraged and coaxed and praised them; she never raised her voice. Jane seemed to have limitless patience with Aiden, even when he threw himself on the floor and screamed and pounded his fists after Tyler ruined one of his train-track creations. Other than that, he wasn't talking very much, which Lizzy thought was strange, especially for an almost-four-year-old. On the other hand, what did she know about four-year-old boys? Jane soothed him and distracted him and got him calmed down. Lizzy thought that under the same circumstances, she'd have been reduced to a frustrated, shouting mess.

Just as the boys were going down for their nap, Emma woke up from hers. Lizzy changed Emma's diaper on the portable changing pad, right there on the white living-room carpet. A few minutes later, Jane came in and sat down next to Lizzy on the sofa, and asked if she could hold Emma. Lizzy handed her over, and Jane spoke softly to her and said what a good girl she was.

Jane sighed. "Oh, I miss this, the babies. Things just get so much more complicated when they get older."

Now that they were sitting so close together, it seemed to Lizzy that Jane looked kind of tired around the eyes. She'd never really seen her like that before.

"Really? What's going on, Jane? Are the boys OK?"

"Well...I'm not sure. Maybe not. Did you notice how quiet Aiden has gotten lately?" Jane said this in her professional psychologist voice.

"I guess, yeah."

"In the last few months he's more or less stopped expressing himself verbally, and, as you saw, he's started having these huge temper tantrums."

Lizzy nodded for her to go on.

"I had some concerns about this, and so a couple of weeks ago I took him to be evaluated by a psychologist. And—well, and it looks like he may be somewhere on the autism spectrum." She bit her lip and tears welled in her eyes as reached up to stroke Emma's cheek.

"Oh, Jane." Lizzy reached out her hand to hold her sister's. "I don't even know where to start. How are you? Are you holding up?"

Jane sniffed a little. "I'm so worried for him. I want him to have a normal life, and grow up and get married and all that, and I don't know if that will happen for him. If it can. We just don't know yet."

"Oh, sweetie." Lizzy put her arms around Jane and held her, as together they rocked Emma. "I'm so sorry."

"I keep wondering if it was something I did. Was it pesticides in his food? Vaccines?" Lizzy scoffed openly at that one. "I know, that's junk science. But, I mean, is it my DNA? Did I do something wrong? Did I not do something I should have done? What did I do wrong? I've tried so hard to do everything right, and look what happened anyway."

Lizzy reached over to the side table to get a tissue for Jane, who was openly weeping by this time. Jane dabbed at her eyes with it.

"Janey, you didn't do anything wrong. There are so, so many things in life we can't control. I think, well, you and I, we both try and try to bend everything to our will, make things turn out the way we want. And sometimes we succeed. But I—well, if the last five months have taught me anything, it's that, especially as a parent, you, I...How can I say this? It's an illusion. The control is an illusion."

A lot of things about Jane's behavior in the last couple of years were starting to make more sense to Lizzy all of a sudden. The bossiness, the fixations on safety, the mania for organics and toxin-free things, the intense efforts to make everything just perfect: they were all her ways of grabbing for control where she didn't really have any, ways to try and head off Aiden's emerging symptoms. Ultimately, nobody had control over how their children turned out in a lot of ways, no matter how hard they tried. Lizzy wondered how much control over her life Jane actually had outside of these four walls, too. What was Charlie's role in all this? Oh, dear.

"I know you're right," sniffled Jane. "I'm a psychologist, after all. It's just really hard to accept."

They talked for awhile about Aiden, Jane's plans for him, and whether it would be best to get him into a preschool where he could get some support and therapy, or to continue to stay home. Jane wasn't sure, and she thought she and Charlie needed to talk to the psychologist more about it before they decided.

Finally, Emma started fussing and grabbing for Lizzy, so Jane handed her back over. She stood up, wiped off her cheeks, and straightened her clothing.

"Well! Enough of my little pity party. I'd better get things ready for when the boys wake up."

She bustled around cleaning things up, setting up the educational activities she would do with the boys until dinner time. Lizzy took the opportunity to make them both a cup of tea, which was a bit of a challenge with Emma on her hip. She also took the opportunity to observe Jane. She looked so damn serene and happy on the surface, but Lizzy wasn't fooled anymore.

Later, Charlie came home for dinner. He tossed Aiden high in the air, chucked Tyler under the chin, and kissed Jane's cheek. They made it all look so easy. It was kind of scary, considering what Lizzy now knew was roiling around underneath.

That evening, Elena called to say that her mother had died earlier that day, complications from the stroke.

"Oh, Elena, I'm so sorry. From what you told me, she was a wonderful woman, so devoted to your family. Will and I will be happy to do anything, anything you need to help you and your family."

"Thank you, Lizzy. I think right now the main thing is I need some time, to plan the funeral, and get everyone back here. Maybe a week."

"Of course. Let's say for sure that you don't need to be back here next week. If you need another week, or more, just say the word."

"I...that's too generous, Lizzy. I need to get back to work."

"Is it the money? You get paid bereavement leave. It's in the contract."

They wrangled about it for a little while longer until they finally agreed that Elena would take all of the following week off, too, to arrange her mother's affairs.

After another rough night in Jane's English country garden guest room, Lizzy and Emma both woke up cranky at 6 o'clock. Lizzy looked in Emma's mouth and, voila!, another new tooth. That explained a lot.

Charlie and Jane got up around 7, and Charlie kissed Jane's cheek and headed for the train at about 7:30. While Tyler and Aiden slept until 8 o'clock, Jane hummed and tripped around the house and baked scones for her friends who were going to be coming to visit that day. They were fellow developmental psychologists, old grad school classmates visiting New York for the big psychology conference. They had flown from Europe to New York a day early so they could drive out to Westchester to spend the day with Jane.

At around 11, after Emma and Lizzy had finally gotten up from what was supposed to be a nap but ended up being more of a fussy wrestling match, Véronique and Claudia arrived. Véronique was all sleek Parisian chic, and Claudia was more the Earth Mother type. After loads of exclaiming and cheek-kissing all around, they settled in the breakfast nook with the scones and a pot of tea.

The old friends caught up on work and kids and partners for a while, as Lizzy struggled to stay awake. Eventually the conversation turned to Lizzy's situation. Jane explained that Lizzy had just left her job, and alluded to the fact that it hadn't been entirely voluntary.

"Yup. Well, you know, it's an important time for us to be together, too, so..." said Lizzy, vaguely, temporarily forgetting that she was in the presence of people who thought about this stuff for a living.

Véronique nodded and said, "Well, as you know, in France we believe that it is not in the best interest of the child, developmentally, to be confined to the home alone with the mother for long periods of time. The child suffers from insufficient mental stimulation, and a lack of opportunities for social interaction, preventing him or her from being properly socialized from an early age."

At this, Lizzy awoke from her stupor a bit and inquired, "So are women encouraged to go back to work soon after giving birth?"

"Well, yes...they receive six weeks of maternity leave before the birth, and then ten weeks afterward. But if they wish, mother and father may both share as much as three years of parental leave before returning to their jobs."

"Paid?"

"Yes, of course. It is part of a social insurance scheme."

"What about day care?"

"From age two months, there are the subsidized childcare centers or...how do you say it here?... family day cares, and from age two years or so there are the écoles maternelles, the public preschools. How else can a child learn the proper social and linguistic skills?"

Claudia laughed. "You know, Germans think it is the other way around entirely."

"What do you mean?" asked Lizzy.

"Most Germans believe that it stunts a child's emotional development and creates an unstable psyche if the child is forced to be separated from her mother and put in the company of strangers."

Véronique snorted. "Ridiculous."

"Now, I did not say that I agreed with this."

Lizzy had the feeling that this discussion had been going on for many years.

"Yes, yes..."

"But we do have a social insurance scheme, as in France. Mothers receive paid leave for 6 weeks before the baby is born, and are not allowed to come back to work until 8 weeks after the baby is born. After this, we also have three years of paid parental leave, which both the mother and the father can share. But almost no fathers use it. It interferes with their careers, and people believe it shows they are not serious about their work."

"So, do most moms stay home with their children, then, until they start school?" Lizzy wanted to know.

"Yes, of course. And it is very difficult for many mothers to return to work even when their children are in school, because the school day is very short and there are long holidays. Also, the shops are all closed on evenings and weekends."

"Did you stay home with your child?"

Claudia shook her head. "Not entirely. I worked part-time while my son was young. I felt terribly guilty putting him in day care, with my mother and sister shouting at me about how I was a rabenmutter, a ravenmother, so irresponsible she pushes her children out of the nest right after they are born. Kinder, Küche, Kirche, you know. Fortunately, my mother-in-law supported me. She grew up in the DDR, East Germany, in the days of state socialism. All the women worked then, of course. They had to. She told me a lot of stories about the 'good old days,' when there was a year of maternity leave, and so on. They had up to 40 days a year of paid days off to care for a sick child, can you believe it? And one paid day off every month to do housework!" She roared with laughter. "Too bad they didn't give that to the men! But I suppose the authorities had to do all of this if they wanted women to work."

Jane and Lizzy looked at each other.

Jane said, "Hmm, as I think you know, all of this is really different from here in the States."

Lizzy said, "It's like we've got the worst of both worlds: most of us have to work, but we don't have the things to make it possible. All the guilt and none of the support."

Véronique asked Lizzy, "So, they are not holding your job for you?"

"No, no, they don't do that for you here. That ship has sailed," Lizzy said brightly.

"If you want to go back to work, don't stay away too long," counselled Claudia. "The studies show that ten months of leave is the optimal time for mother and baby. Shorter isn't good for mother or baby, and longer than that and the mother's skills start to become outmoded."

"Hmm. Good to know," said Lizzy thoughtfully.

Jane asked Lizzy to stay over on Wednesday night so they would have time to talk some more after Claudia and Véronique had gone back to the city.

Around 5 o'clock, Will called and they talked on FaceTime. Lizzy excitedly showed him Emma's new, second tooth, just poking out of her gum on the bottom.

"Sweetheart," he said, "I know you told me that you were doing OK and you didn't need me to come back early, but I'm thinking I'll cut things short and come home tomorrow."

"You don't need to do that on our account. We're doing fine at Jane's. Please don't worry about us."

"I think I'm just going to skip the last leg of the trip. I'm going to leave it to Carmen and Greg." They were the two VPs who had traveled with him.

"Of course we'd love it if you came back, but, truly, there's no need to put it all on them if you want to finish things up there. I know you like to be there for important negotiations."

"Well, honestly...I just miss you and Emma, and I want to go home to see you."

Lizzy's eyebrows shot up in surprise before she quickly composed herself and acted as if it had never happened. "That would be great. Fantastic. Once you have it, tell me your flight info, OK?"

That evening, Lizzy and Jane talked for a couple of hours after the boys had gone to bed about five seconds after dinner. Emma still had a good three and a half hours of full-on awakeness left in her.

"There's just so much to think about," said Jane. "I want to understand more about autism so I know what to do, how to help Aiden."

"What do you mean? Are you thinking of going back to school?"

"I know, you'd think I'd have had enough of that by now. But, maybe. Maybe. There's a program to train special education teachers at SUNY Westchester. I could do that." It was just like Jane, Lizzy realized, to approach an issue in this way: to learn all she could about it, master it, figure out how to solve it. And it seemed to work for her, so who could argue with that?

The next morning, Lizzy called to cancel the babysitter, and then she and Emma raced back to the city after the morning rush hour to dump off all their stuff. Emma nursed, Lizzy ate, and then they took the car service out to JFK to surprise Will at the Lufthansa baggage claim.

When Emma spotted him as he emerged from the secure area, she squawked and moved her extended arms and legs as if she were doing jumping jacks in her baby carrier. Will looked tired as he slumped out the door with his garment bag over his shoulder, searching for a driver from the car service. He zeroed in on the driver and moved in that direction before he noticed Lizzy and Emma standing nearby. He straightened up, his eyes brightened, and he quickly strode toward them.

Will covered Emma's face with butterfly kisses before he took Lizzy in his arms, the baby sandwiched between them. He kissed her for ever so slightly too long to be entirely appropriate in public, at least by his standards. Wow, thought Lizzy, he never did that.

"Welcome home," she said with a broad smile, backing off a little to let Emma breathe more freely, but leaving her hands on his waist.

"You don't know how glad I am to see you," he replied, grinning back at her with total abandon.

"I think I have some idea. We missed you, too. Every second," she whispered. And it was true. Everything was better now that he was back with them.

What, no footnotes?

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