No Such Thing as Normal
Disclaimer: I'm don't own Vampire Knight.
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I'm stuck in this drafty old house looking through the window like a caged animal... The world is so unfair! I turn to Zero from the seat near the window, who is calmly reading a book on the couch, oblivious to my plight. Doesn't this person ever want to go outside? To socialise? I sigh. I just don't know how he does it.
Father went out to do some shopping, and won't be returning till late. I'm 'resting' and Zero refused to go, and so here we are. I lazily twirl my cropped hair with my fingers; it now rests just above my shoulders. I had asked father to drive me to the hairdresser yesterday. He'd complained about how wasteful it was to just throw my hair away, and requested me to keep it. Well, he would have sounded less like a stalker if he'd stopped to explain that he is going donate it to cancer charity but no, he just had to go on and on about how beautiful and long it was while waving, and god forbid, nuzzling my cut off braid in public... I don't think I will ever go back there again.
I glance at Zero again, casually leaning on the arm of the lounge room couch with his legs propped onto the seats. Recently, I've been finding it harder and harder to stop myself from staring at him. In fact, I seem to do it subconsciously. He is in his usual khaki cargo pants, he seems to like them a lot, and wearing the buttoned Y neck shirt that I picked out of the sales bin last summer. He looks good in anything. The way the light bounces off his silver strands, his mysterious violet eyes contrasting against his pale skin... I wonder, what is he thinking about?
Zero slams his book down and unexpectedly breaks me out of my trance. "Okay, Yuuki." He stares into my eyes rather intensely, a terse expression on his face. "What's up with you? You've been staring at me like that for the past couple of days now. What do you want? If you have something to say, say it!" Okay he looks angry... I definitely have a problem. I gulp inaudibly, not sure how to explain myself.
"Say, Zero," I weigh my words cautiously before continuing, "you know everything about me, but I don't really know anything about you." Zero really is mysterious, and I've always wanted to know more about him. "What school did you go to before you came here? Where did you use to live? What was your family like- no, I'm sorry!" Zero stiffens at the last question, I shouldn't have asked that last part.
I quickly take back my words. "I'm sorry, Zero, you don't have to say anything..." Bad move. Ack I suck...
We sit in silence, the tick tock of the lounge room clock drums in my ears. I find myself looking at Zero again.
Zero sighs, "Everything about you? You mean your lack of history?"
That hurts, although I deserved that. Sure, so I know that my parents were murdered and the culprit is in jail. Leaving just me and Onii-san. No one hands you a folder about your life after you've forgotten your own. I have a picture of my parents, but I don't remember them, so they are just two people in a photo who kind of look like me. Kaname doesn't really talk about it much, other than the occasional comment of how much I look like my mother. He always has that painful look on his face whenever we come close to bringing up our lives before the incident, and I don't want to press him into remembering a happiness that no longer exists. "I want to know about my past and what happened to me. It feels like a part of me is missing, like a gaping hole that leaves me empty and alone. Without a past is like not having a ground to stand on, it's like I don't actually know who or where I am. I have wondered about what it would be like, to have a mother and a father, to have a normal family. I know it probably sounds silly..." I smile sheepishly.
"No, I don't think it is." Zero replies. He has always been a good listener.
"In all honesty, I'm scared to find out more. Whatever made me forget must have been very traumatising. While I don't remember anything substantial, whenever I think about my past, I get the feeling that I am looking into a dark pit full of fear and sadness. I instinctually avoid asking for more. I guess... I guess I'm happy with how my life is right now. Kaien is a good father; I'm a normal girl, going to a normal school. I have you and Kaname. I'm afraid, that remembering my life before would shatter the peace that I have right now."
Still, while I rather not know about my past, Zero's past on the other hand, is so vivid to him that it eats at him every waking moment, and even moments when he is not awake. "Zero, it's not the same for you is it? I know I have no right to pry, and you are not obligated to tell me anything... but... I..." I pause to think about what to say next. "I feel selfish for burdening you with my worries, and I want to be there for you too. I think some things are too heavy to carry by yourself. If you tell a person about what is weighing on your mind, then that person would take a little bit of the burden off your shoulders, and your burdens would get lighter..." I swallow, gathering my courage to say the next few words, my eyes intently looking into Zero's silent silver orbs. What is intended to be a confident assertion comes out as a soft whisper. "So please... let me in." I look at him pleadingly and in earnest, but he just looks away, eyebrows knitted. Now I am alarmed. Oh no, I hope I didn't push too hard. "No, nevermind. I guess I just want to help… I'm sorry." I rip my gaze back and realign it at the window. He is so wonderful, listening to my insecurities, but he never really shares his own. I think in a way we are both running from our pasts.
The ticking of the clock continues to fill the silence, and I feel like crying.
A tear and a sniff escape without warning, and I take that as a queue to go to my room. I am about to get up when I hear a chair being pulled. I quickly wipe the tear away. Zero slumps beside me with a thud, his back facing the window. "I had a father, a mother, and also a brother." I suddenly turn my head. it's hard to see his expression with him facing the other direction, but I don't want to interrupt the moment.
"My brother's name was Ichiru. We were twins. I guess that's why we were always together. He never left my side for even a moment. Ichiru… he got sick quite often, and was frequently admitted in the hospital. I always felt that it was unfair; how come I was healthy, and he was not, even though we came from the same egg." So he had a twin brother? it's hard to imaging two Zeros in the world. It seems they were really close too.
"Our parents were both in the police force, and they were usually very busy. They took on extra shifts so that we could pay for Ichiru's hospital bills. Both Mother and Father loved us equally, but the financial strain had caused a rift between them, and Ichiru always felt guilty about it. It finally reached a breaking point when Mother found out about Father's affair, and they divorced. I did not want to be under the same roof as the woman that broke up my family, and chose to go with my mother." He pauses, and struggles to control his emotions. I notice his fists clenched at his sides, his knuckles even paler. "I understand that it was hard on Mother, but she always blamed Ichiru for all our problems, and as a result we were separated when he went to live with Father." His voice is shaking now, and I feel my heart breaking at the sight.
"Mother and I were fine at the beginning, going about our daily lives as best as we could. But then we heard the news that Father was murdered, and that his girlfriend, Kuruizaki, her name wasn't even in the registry. Ichiru was also nowhere to be found, but... most likely..." Zero took a deep breathe. "Kuruizaki became the primary suspect, but she was never found."
"Mother wasn't the same after that... She tried, she really tried but she was never able to lift herself back up again... and then she became addicted to Blood tablets..." Zero's pain his evident on his face, even though he's trying to hold it back. He's almost on the verge of tears, struggling to keep them at bay.
"I wanted to help, and I tried to make her comfortable, help her with whatever I could, chores, groceries, other tasks... but her addiction got worse, and she grew increasingly violent. Even then I didn't complain; I was trying so hard to hold on to the memory of my kind and gentle mother; she was all I had left. Somewhere in my mind I believed that if I tried my best, then things would go back to the way they were... Then one day when she was drinking, she ran out of Blood tablets, and started showing withdrawal symptoms. I tried to help her out but she slashed my neck with the broken bottle. I really thought I was going to die..." He reached up and ran his hand over the tattoo on his neck, his face distorted in pain. I can't stay in my seat anymore, and get up to cover his hand with mine. That seems to calm him. I start to stroke his hair and wait for him to continue. "But at the last minute, a moment of sanity set in, and she whispered 'sorry'. It was her last word, before she slashed her wrist..."
Anger flashed in his eyes and he suddenly jerked himself away from my hands. "If only that witch of a woman hadn't interfered in our lives, and broken up our family! I don't know what she wanted from us, but she killed Father and Ichiru, and caused the death of my mother. She is the reason that my family is dead." His expression breaks my heart, and I wrap my arms tightly around him.
"Zero..." He is shivering against my touch. Tears well up in my eyes. He is so fragile, it reminds me of the time when he was just a little boy, barely holding on to reality. He would scratch his wounds till they re-opened, and I would hold my hand against it till it stopped bleeding.
"Zero, it's okay... it's okay now..." I continue to stroke his hair and hold him close. He has been suffering all alone by himself for all these years. I sniff and tears fall from my face.
"Why are you crying?" his voice is hoarse.
"I'm crying in your place, Zero." If two broken pillars are to lean against one another, would they prevent each other from falling?
"The rose tea is very good." Says Takuma, as he takes another sip out of the porcelain teacup.
"What do you know, we get to stay in a hotel like this during campaigning; I guess the Golden Week isn't a complete waste. Thanks for the invite, Kaname." Ruka says, currently in the process of pouring more tea into Kain's cup.
"No, thank you all for coming." Kaname casually sits on the couch with his legs crossed and hands folded neatly in his lap.
"So Kaname," Aido says with a mouth full of cookies, "Are you going to ask Yuuki-san out?" The room suddenly goes silent. Aido speaks in defence. "What? Come on Kaname, it surely is obvious to everyone here! I personally don't know what you see in her, I mean she is pretty cute, and you have this past thing with her, but I think you deserve better. I don't really think that she is even close to being on the same level as... you..." Aido trails off, sensing Ruka's glare. Perhaps he has said something that he shouldn't have, and decides to shove another cookie into his mouth.
All eyes move back to Kaname, and contrary to belief, he is actually not angry. "Actually, I called you three here because I want to announce something important. Please sit down."
After a minor pause, everyone puts down their cups on the coffee table and takes a seat. Takuma calmly sits beside Kaname, offering silent support. Once everyone has settled, Kaname starts.
"Ruka, Kain, Hanabusa, I consider you all my closest confidants, therefore I place a lot of trust in you. I have not been very honest, but I think it is time that I told all of you." Kaname's eyes calmly glows. "Yuuki Cross is not just someone that I met when I was in foster care, nor do I have any romantic interest in her as Aido so gracefully put it." Aido twiddles his thumbs. "Yuuki and I are in fact, related." Kaname pauses, giving the listeners time to digest the information.
Aido's voice suddenly cuts through the silence. "You mean?" He stands up so fast that he nearly knocked the chair over, revelation dawns on his features. "Now wait a minute! Are you telling me that she is your sister? The one that was separated from you a long time ago in witness protection?"
Kaname nods. "You do understand how sensitive this information is Hanabusa. She still is." Aido winces, and sits back down.
"Yuuki is your sister?" Kain asks, just to confirm.
"Yes she is." Kaname answers straightforwardly.
"So... hold on, explain this to me, she and you happened to end up in the same school?" Aido questions again.
"Let's just say that the person who organised the witness protection took pity on us and allowed us to have contact occasionally. We both came to this school so that we could be together."
"So all this time? All this time that you talked about missing your sister and not knowing where she is..." Aido is losing his temper.
Ruka, seeing that the conversation is rapidly degrading into an argument, changes the topic. "But Kaname," Ruka starts, "Why are you telling us this, especially now. Why didn't you share this with us earlier, and why share it at all?"
"This is not something I want to share with anyone. Well, I want you all to meet her first." Kaname, ignoring Aido's accusation, leans over and takes his own cup from the coffee table that is getting cold from neglect, and takes a sip. "So, what do you think of her?"
Kain is the first to speak. "I don't know her all that well, simply that she seems to be a sensible girl from what I hear from Ruka."
Ruka follows. "Yuuki-san is in my club, so I know her a bit better. She always tries her hardest at everything, even if she isn't good at it. She always puts other people before her. She kept on defending me when she fell and twisted her ankle, even though she was the one that was hurt."
"She is kind." Kaname's eyes soften.
"Yes she is, she is the kind of person that you really want to look after." Adds Ruka.
Aido is getting impatient. He slams his palm down on his knee, and stands up again in annoyance. "This is stupid. You still haven't answered the question, Kaname why are you telling us this now?"
"Hanabusa! Will you calm down?" Takuma asserts. He attempts to stand up as well. "Kaname have been-"
Kaname stops Takuma with a hand on his shoulder, and pushes him back down into his seat before the situation escalates any further. "Because while I am under the cloak of protection under the media and the mayor, she is not. A drug cartel is still out to get her. There will be times where I will want to see her, talk to her, and my attention could put her in danger. I need to pretend that I don't know her in the real world, but I cannot do it, not when she is right there. I can't pretend that she is a stranger when she is the only family I have left. I am telling you so that you could keep my relationship with her a secret, so that I know that she- we will be safe here by just being brother and sister." Kaname consciously keeps his gaze steady, and voice even.
Aido raises his hands in defeat. "You know what, this is just too much, I need some air." Aido storms out of room and slams the door behind him.
Ruka looks at Kain, and nudges him, well elbows him to be more precise. Kain winces and mumbles a sound resembling 'uhhh', and begrudgingly gets up and to go after Aido.
Once Kain is out of the door. Ruka gives her support. "I understand where you are coming from, Kaname. I am not happy that you kept a secret from us, but I understand why you did what you did. I will give you my full support. Rest assured that I would keep the relationship between you two a secret."
"Thank you, Ruka. Your support means alot to me." Kaname lets out a sigh of relief. "Takuma, can you just go and check if father is done with his meeting? I don't want Hanabusa to bump into him right now."
"I don't think he will betray you, Kaname. I think he is just a bit shocked by the revelation and needs a bit of time to cooldown."
"I know, but just go to be sure."
"Ack, fine." With that, Takuma rolls his eyes and exits the room, leave just Kaname and Ruka.
"I want to talk to you alone Ruka. I want to apologize again... for not returning your feelings."
"Oh Kaname, that was a year ago. You have already done a lot for me."
"So how long are you going to drag this thing out with Kain?"
"Oh stop that!" Ruka blushes.
A smile graces Kaname's lips. "I trust you, Ruka."
"I know."
I don't know how long I was holding him like that. The sun eventually set, and the house seems dark and cold without the lights on. We finally break our hug and he excuses himself to go up to his room. Father comes home with groceries and starts a game of "guess the price", something we always play after father's bargain hunt trips. I am not really in the mood, but I just go along with it since I don't want to worry him. We bring the bags to the kitchen and proceed to unpack everything away.
"Father... I think I finally understood... why you wanted Zero to tell me himself about his past."
Kaien stops shoving tomatoes into the fridge, and his expression turned serious. "Zero talked? Well... that's good. That boy has been holding in too much." He closes the fridge and sits down at the kitchen table. "This is something that Zero needs to do at his own pace. You can't force someone to reach out before their time."
"It was so horrible, I never realised... I mean I know some of it, like his mother committed suicide, but not like this. Zero must have felt so lost and alone..." My voice quivers, and I want to cry again.
"Ah but my cute little daughter, even though you didn't know, you did your best didn't you? He was never alone, Yuuki, you were always there." Father smiles. "Do you remember? He use to scratch at his wounded neck. It took so long for it to heal that by the time it did there was a lot of scarring."
"Ah yes, I use to stick flower stickers on him to cover it up... since he always had such a sad expression while looking at his scars. It was so childish now that I think about it. It wasn't really that effective..."
"Zero saw how worried you were, and how much you wanted him to get better. He came to me, asking for a tattoo to cover his scars, and said he wants to become stronger." The chairman then ruffles my hair, and starts to make dinner. Zero hasn't responded to the dinner call.
"Yuuki, perhaps you should bring food up to him, I think he might be a bit embarrassed after the conversation." Encourages father.
"Why would he be?"
"Well, it's hard to explain this, men don't really like to be vulnerable in front of others. Just go and tell him about how you feel about the conversation, I think he is worried that you will treat him differently from now on."
"Um, okay, father."
I take a tray of food up to his room, and knock. No response. "Zero, can you please open the door? My ankle is hurting from carrying the food up."
"Leave it there." A muffled voice responds.
"I want to talk to you too..."
No response, my ankle isn't that bad, but he doesn't know that. "I'm not moving till you come out!" I raise my voice, and hope he opens up soon. After a couple of minutes, I am starting to regret my comment.
Slowly, I see Zero opening the door. He takes the tray from me and I breath a sigh of relief. I make my way into the room, and sit on his bed.
The room is plain except for bare essentials, and lacks any personal touches. It gives away little of the owner's thoughts and feelings, with the main colours being cream and beige. Rather than minimalistic, empty is perhaps the better description. The bedside lamp illuminates the room and the bed sheets are delivered from Zero's previous occupation.
Zero takes the tray to his desk, and closes the door. Then he walks to his bed and sits down beside me, waiting for me to talk.
"About the conversation before..." I started.
"I don't need your pity." Zero looks at me with determination in his eyes. I see, that's what father meant.
"No... that's not what..." I take a deep breathe. "I just want to say, that I think you are very strong."
Zero looks surprised.
"You went through so much, and you went through it all alone... while I am scared of my past and ran away from it. I envy your strength..."
Zero's eyes softens, and speaks, "no Yuuki, you are the strong one, even though you lost your parents, you kept on smiling. Even though I pushed you away you kept on trying to help me..." Zero then turns his head away to hide his expression. "Thank you... for listening."
"No problem." I smile. "Whenever you need to talk, don't hesitate, okay?"
"Ah."
I leave him to his dinner, and go back to my room. I begin to think about what happened so long ago. I have been avoiding the conversation, and Kaname has been avoiding it too. A part of me is missing and before, I was okay with it, but now, I am not a child anymore so I feel that now I should be able to handle it. I have been running away. I want to be strong too, to be able to face my past, and to move forward. I have always wanted to know what exactly happened to my parents and why people are trying to kill us, but I was too afraid to ask.
Determination creeps in. I want to know exactly what happened. I make a promise to myself; I will ask Kaname, when he comes over next time.
"Hanabusa, don't you think you are overreacting?" Kain watches his cousin sitting on the floor of the 'organised chaos' he calls his bedroom. Aido had charged back to his room after storming out of Kaname's guest room, and refused to open the door when Kain caught up to him. Then he'd avoided everyone for the rest of the day and left without so much as a goodbye. Kain decided to visit to see how he is going, and from the looks of it, they did not seem well.
"You don't get it Kain, it's not just about lying to me, it's about trust! You saw the expression on Takuma didn't you? He knew, all this time. Kaname trusts him more than me." Aido waves his arms around out of frustration, and Kain grimaces.
"You mean you were jealous?" Kain sighs, is it possible that a person could like another too much?
"Also, he didn't tell us the whole story. Look." Aido pulls out a box from under his bed. The box is filled with articles and newspaper clippings about Kaname, Kain is extremely worried about Aido's stalker tendencies.
"Oh don't tell me, you still have that? Kaname is going to get angry if he knows about it."
"You are not going to tell him are you? I'll tell Ruka that you like her if you do."
"Don't you think it's a bit too immature to threaten me like that?"
"What, it works." Aido shrugs.
Kain sighs in defeat. "Ahh, so tell me what you are thinking, what doesn't add up."
"Well, I have like, every clipping there ever is on Kaname's past. How he was a hero and a genius, and how he became a part of the Ichijo family..."
"Get to the point Aido."
"Ahem yes, well see here, the original reason for witness protect is that Kaname's parents were working undercover to find out about the cartel that distributes Blood Tablets. However the murderer Rido Kuran is charged with manslaughter under the effects of blood, and had no conclusive links to Blood or the cartel, and while the exact nature of the undercover investigation wasn't revealed, there was no mention whether the undercover work had uncovered any useful evidence that resulted in their death." Aido rampages through the box and shoves a newspaper article so close to Kain face that it's impossible for him to focus on the words. "Look! Right here."
Kain calmly nudged Aido's hand away from his field of view. "Ok, so what doesn't make sense?"
"So if there were no evidence that links the Kuran siblings to the drug cartel, why is her sister still under witness protection? Surely after that ruling, the sibling should be cleared of any danger and allowed to be together." Aido turns and drops the piece of paper back into the box.
"You... have a point."
"There is a lot more to this. Kaname knows that her sister is in danger, so despite the ruling, there must have been a link to the cartel somewhere, and he knows precisely that there is." Aido resumes his pacing, and runs his hands through his hair out of frustration. "Ahhhhh, this is so stupid! Why doesn't he trust us enough to tell us the truth? Now there are more questions! Why is Kaname unharmed even though he isn't under protection? What does he know? Who are the people that are trying to harm them? Most importantly why doesn't he tell me any of this?"
Kain finds Aido's actions rather comical. "Does everything have to come back to you?"
"Yes!" Is Aido's straight answer.
Such a bother, this cousin of his. "So, are you going to ask him?"
"... I think he will just get angry and evade the questions..."
"True. So why don't you forget about the whole thing and let him tell you when he's ready?" Perhaps reasons will get Aido out of this mess, hopefully.
"As if, I am going to do some of my own investigation." Aido raises his voice in determination.
Kain raises an eyebrow at the comment. "You serious?"
"You... you are coming too right?"
"Why are you dragging me into this?" Kain says defensively, eyes narrow.
"Because you want to know too... and because I'll tell Ruka."
Kain questions why Aido always drags him into trouble.
True to his words, Kaname manages to come right before Golden Week is finishing. Apparently he has been very busy with his adopted father's campaigns. 'No rest for the wicked' he says. I tell him about feeling like a caged animal, and after all that rest my ankle no longer hurts unless I'm stupid enough to run a mile. Small talk soon runs out, and I am not quite sure how to ask my question.
"Um, Kaname... I..."
Seeing my worried expression, Kaname asks with concern. "What's wrong, Yuuki?"
"I really don't know how to ask this... I was quite content with not knowing much about my past... but now..." I pause, gauging Onii-san's reaction.
"Yuuki, I think it's better that you don't know..." He seems displeased.
I pause again, trying to master up the courage. "Onii-san, I know it must have been scary, so scary that I have blocked it out of my mind... but it feels like a part of me is missing. I don't know my real parents, but I want to know. I don't know why they were murdered, and why we are still in danger, but I want to know. Please, Onii-san, I'm not a little girl anymore, I'm ready. Please tell me!" I stare at him with desperation in my eyes.
Kaname sighs. "Is it wrong for me to just want you to be happy?" He's looking at me pleadingly.
I hesitate. "... No, Onii-san." He looks sad again. I avert my eyes, not wanting to hurt him more, he is the only family I have left. "... but... I'm not sure that I'm happy..."
"You are living the life of a normal girl, Yuuki. I feel that if I were to tell you, I would break that tranquility. I do not wish to do that." An awkward silence stretches between us and I don't know what to say. I want to push, but I don't seem to have the strength. I cave in way too easily when it comes to Onii-san.
"Let's not talk about it anymore, okay?" Kaname continues, picking up a stray lock of my hair and tucking it behind my ear. The tender gesture completely saps my determination to push for more answers.
He continues to talk about the upcoming student elections. I am rather distracted by Onii-san's reasons for hiding my past from me, and can't really contribute much to the conversation. It is getting late and he leaves with a worried expression on his face. Ack, I guess I really am a coward.
I love Onii-san, I really do. I would still continue to follow him and support him. However, it would be nice, if I can somehow convey that I'm not a little girl that needs to be protected all the time.
Disappointed by my inability to question Kaname, I walk into the kitchen to get some milk before going to sleep. Zero is there, working through a tub of yoghurt. Seeing my deflated expression, he asks, "What's wrong? Is it Kaname?"
"Ah... nothing..." I can't really tell Zero that it's because Kaname won't talk me about my past, as far as he knows we met under Kaien's care when we were both orphaned.
Zero puts down his yogurt and stares at me intently. I guess lying to him isn't that easy.
I struggle to give an answer. "It's... it's just something between me and Kaname, it's no big deal... really." I give my best effort at a smile, but I can tell that he sees through it. I guess I was never good at lying.
"So it is Kaname." Zero continues to eat his yogurt, looking understandably annoyed.
I study Zero. Well, he shared quite intimate details of his childhood with me, I suppose it's only fair to share some of my secrets too. I feel a little, no, very guilty over the whole thing.
"Sorry!" I blur out on.
Zero stops eating, and turns. "For what?"
That is not the response I am expecting, and words got caught in my throat. "I... er... um..." I freeze and struggle with what I should say next.
"Don't worry about it."
Eh? "Wha-"
"I said, don't worry about it." Zero spelled out the words, and then looked away.
I just stand there, dumbfounded. Then I let out a breath that I didn't realise I was holding. Am I overthinking it? I shake my head. Ack, what was I thinking, it wouldn't be Zero if he hadn't acted like that. We've never talked about my conversations with Kaname, and he is not going to be suddenly be interested in them now. Zero has started to open up a bit more, but it doesn't mean he is going to suddenly demand every little secret from me.
Why am I so worked up about it anyway? That's right, our relationship is still the same as before. Rather than feeling relieved, I feel a little sad. Somehow, I no longer want things to stay as they are.
I don't know what more to say, so I get my milk and warm it in the microwave. He finishes and washes his spoon. Then he just says 'goodnight' and goes up to his room. I do not sleep well that night.
Author's note: I don't know if Zero likes yogurt, but I need an excuse to get him there. I was stuck on the flavour of the yoghurt... so I just left it as... yogurt lol. I guess Zero isn't the snacking type... but water doesn't take long enough!