Hey!
Even if I just got put on work for three weeks without any days off, yes that means no weekends haha I managed to get this written up! Sorry if the updates slow a little after this one, I'm going to be super busy at work with long hours every day. Thanks again for all the comments on the last chapter they really help, enjoy!
p.s Minor swear word, but you know if that bothers you I wonder if you live in Narnia because people swear everywhere these days.
Hundan.
So far the week had been a very trying one and by Friday Ziva had had enough. She was so glad that it was almost the weekend. So far Carter had managed to stay borderline being on her nerves, mainly because he was taking up Tony's role and it just felt wrong. So far he'd stayed clear of doing something that had really upset her.
She closes down her computer for the weekend –well unless they get called in, she hopes they don't- and grabs her coat and bag before heading for the elevator. She had to sigh when she felt Carter following right behind her.
"Got much plans this weekend?" he asks her, he'd been trying to be friendly to her all week but to be honest it didn't help him. She didn't mean to be this way, she just cannot help her emotions at the moment.
"Hopefully plan on not coming here" she said. Since when did see dislike coming to work that much? Sure she didn't like working the weekends but it was okay in the end. It was just different now. She hadn't realized how important Tony was to her work enjoyment until now.
He stays quiet the rest of the ride in the elevator after that because he read her tone. It was the same as it had been most of the week, upset and a little snappy. He knows why she doesn't like him and he gets it, because he's been told what happened and asking around the building a little he's heard things. Like how close Ziva and her partner had been. So he gets it. He's just trying to be friendly but he'll stop if it means he'll keep his appendages. He's also heard the rumours about where she used to work before NCIS and yeah, he gets a little scared sometimes.
They go to their separate cars after that without another word. And yeah, sometimes Ziva feels a little guilty for how she treats Carter because she knows he's a good man deep down. She feels like such a bitch, but she can't help it, not right now anyways. Maybe in a week she might adjust a little better but really she doesn't know.
She climbs into her car and lets out a long sigh. That week had been killer. She'd hardly had time to do anything but work most the week, the case they had found themselves with was a horrible one with a gruesome murder that left Ziva wondering why the killer wasn't sent to a mental institute. She'd wanted to go see Tony all week, but not once had she been giving the chance. She was continuing to realize how much she relied on him when it came to keeping her sane these days.
She's starting to realize just how much more he meant to her as a partner other than being her best friend. He was her rock, the one that kept her balanced and focused. And for all these years she thought he was the biggest distraction, when he simply was keeping her from crashing. Especially since she returned from Somalia because she was always different after that.
It wasn't too late to go see him tonight, maybe she'll go do just that.
Tim had told her about his visit earlier in the week, and she'd smiled at the happy face he'd brought to work the morning after his visit. Even if it was a little hard, just like her it had still meant a lot to him. And he told her how he asked about everyone and how he'd tried to explain as much as he could. Ziva smiled because the novelist in him would have loved to share their profiles with Tony. Really, Tim could have given Tony his book to read and some things would make sense to Tony. However some other things may be a little misleading. Because she and Tony weren't exactly like Lisa and Tommy.
She should probably go home and get the much needed sleep instead of going to see him but thing is she would rather go see him and let him make her smile instead of getting more sleep. Because if she goes home and tries to sleep she won't get to sleep that easy because she will be thinking about him too much, she's been having this problem all week. It's always something about him, thinking maybe if he doesn't get his memory back what it will be like or if he does get it back, and all the possibilities she can think of happening she's had plaguing her mind all week.
She takes that oh-so familiar route to the hospital that she could probably drive in her sleep she knows it that well now. She would have never thought she would have become so familiar with the hospital, because it's not a particular place she really likes to be a lot.
She parks in a spot that she's considered hers, because it's the same place she always parks. Old Tony would probably tell her she had OCD if he was with her. She would just laugh and roll her eyes at him. But maybe he would be right.
She heads inside the building, walking the same halls she has repeatedly walked many times over and she's greeted by the receptionist. Ziva is like a regular here now, many of the nurses and people that work in Tony's wing know her. She goes down to his room and when she gets close she can here Gareth talking to Tony and her ears perk up and she cannot help but listen in.
"I realize you don't want to be stuck here at the hospital and I do agree that you don't really rely on needing the help. You are completely able to function fine by yourself and you pass all your checks except for one, your memory" she heard Gareth say lightly.
"So does this mean I can be released doc?" Tony asked. Tony had never liked hospitals and she has the feeling he probably still doesn't, he just won't know why that is. Again that's another thing she knows and he doesn't, because he told her once why. Because of where his mother died, in a hospital.
Gareth sighed at Tony's comment because he must be unsure on releasing him. This is the first Ziva has heard about it but it sounds as though Tony and his doctor have discussed it a few times before.
"Well really Tony this decision is up to you. If you want to leave we cannot really hold you back, I mean you are fine to function you just don't remember things" Gareth explained. In his opinion he'd like Tony here longer but he cannot hold the man back if he doesn't want to be here.
"I need to move on" was all Ziva heard Tony say in reply. Then the room was silent. A pain hits her in the heart because she knows why he says that. He doesn't think he's going to remember and so he wants to move on. He needs to get out of here, start his life, however it may go. Does that mean he doesn't want them in his life? Surely not, not after trying to work on remembering with seeing her and Tim.
"Okay, I understand that. And you know what's required about coming in for the check-ups so I don't see this being a real problem" the doctor said "Are you sure this is what you want?" Gareth added, a little more personal now and a lot less doctor in his voice. She doesn't hear Tony's reply but she has a feeling he gave one. That's when she decides to walk in the door.
Tony and Gareth both look across at her when she enters.
"Good evening Ziva" Gareth greets her before turning back to Tony "I will just go get some papers for you to sign" he said to him before smiling at her as he left the two of them alone. What was she meant to say right now?
"You're leaving the hospital?" she settles on asking. He sighs.
"So I guess you heard that then?" he asks, even if it's not really a question.
"You have yet to remember how good my hearing is" she said. She tried to smile but she felt a little sad at what's happening so she didn't quite pull off a very good one. Not because he's leaving the hospital but because he needs to move on.
"I might not remember" he said quietly. What had caused such a change in his mood about everything suddenly?
"Don't say that" she whispered, a little on the end of her nerve. It's been a hard week and this was not what she wanted to start her weekend with. This visit was meant to make her feel better.
"It's the truth" he replied and she felt as though she was arguing with the old Tony. Sometimes it was hard to remember that it's not the same person who she is talking to. He doesn't remember how he works with her, how they discuss and function. How they fight.
"You do not need to toss it around like it's nothing" she snapped. She didn't mean to raise her voice, it just happened. He looked at her confused and a little angry.
"I think you mean throw it around" he retorted. That hurt, the way he said that, just how his voice poisoned the air when he said the words. Because he used to love correcting her but he doesn't remember that. And it hurt. Everything hurt.
She stares at him and doesn't say anything, she just tries to hold herself together.
"See, this is why I need to move on" he says, motioning towards her. She crumbles a little more, because he just keeps digging and digging at her heart with an ice pick of his words.
"Why?" she asked, trying to keep the tears at bay. It was obvious he was meaning something to do with her but she couldn't quite figure out exactly what he meant.
"You, and everyone else, you were so much happier before all of this happened and look at what I do, all I do is cause hurt to you all. You try act like it's okay but I can see that it's not. I may have no memory but I'm not goddamn stupid" he throws the words at her and they hit her hard.
"And you think trying to move on from us will work? Leave behind everything that it is you have in life?" she said, challenging. He doesn't remember how feisty she can get, so he may be in for a shock. He's a little speechless at that comment.
Ziva feels someone come to the doorway behind her but they leave just as fast as they got there. Gareth must think that they are best left alone right now and he was right to make that decision.
"How did you think this was going to end up Tony? You moving on and starting a new life, leaving us in more pain knowing you just got up and left us?" she asked. All he could do was shrug because yeah, she was probably really intimidating right now. But she had to be because he's not thinking straight. And right now, she was the one who had to set him right.
"You weren't thinking, that's the thing" she says, a little quieter this time. Sure she's still mad but she cannot help but be softer on him right this second because he looks upset. Like he did wrong and now he realizes, and he's sorry about it.
"I don't know what to do" he says and he's also lost the anger he had before, because he feels guilty. He didn't mean to upset anyone, to be honest he thought he was doing the better thing by taking the stress and upset away from everyone. But he'd got that wrong.
She sat down on the seat next to his bed and let out a long breath.
"What you need to do is let us help you through this" she says quietly. The angry all but gone now, suddenly she'd gone soft and the fight had all but ceased. That was their first fight since his accident but sadly she knows it won't be their last.
"I just hate how much this affects you, I wish it didn't cause so much pain" he said. He could see the pain so clear on her face even if she tried to hide it. He didn't know why he felt as though he could read her well, it was just something he could feel. Maybe it's because she was so open when it came to him. This was new.
"We'd rather face the pain with you then without you" she said, reaching out and placing her hand over his one. It may be a bit of a bold movement for them right now, a slight bit too close for comfort for him when he doesn't remember her. But he doesn't push the movement away because he knows she means a lot to him even if he doesn't remember and he twists his hand and wraps his fingers around hers. Because he feels like it's what he would do if this was before his accident.
"It's hard" he suddenly says, staring down at his hand in hers. Because it feels so strange, holding her hand like this. Because he doesn't really know her, but she knows him and so he feels like this is right. But as he said, it's hard, because this is all so difficult to go through.
"I know" she says sadly. She knows she cannot tell him otherwise because it is hard, and they both know that. There's no point in lying about it.
"We will get through this together, okay?" she continues. And even if she's been the one that's needed the reassuring since he woke up that everything will be okay, she's now the one that's stepping in to reassure him. Even if she doesn't believe her words as much as she should.
"Thank you" he replies with a bit of a smile. She doesn't quite get why he's thanking her but she thinks that it may be for staying by his side. Even though all that has happened, she is still there for him, no matter how hard it is for her to handle. She's there. And that's all that matters.
Love to hear your thoughts on this one!