Bit of a longer chapter, because from here on in I will try make them long ones. The longer the better because at the rate this story is going there will be many chapters. Thank you all for the reviews on the last chapter, they were grateful and fantastic as always. I know you all have mixed emotions on Sam, however I know where I am taking that character and I hope you all like it.
Sam ended looking Tony up in the phonebook and finding out where he did live, so he could return him home safely. He drove him all the way across town to where his apartment was. Tony had walked a very long way to end up in the park that he had.
"Wow, that is a nice mustang" Sam admired as he pulled in next to the blue 1976 model.
"I know right" Tony said with a smile. He hadn't driven it yet but he thinks he might have to sometime soon.
"It yours?" Sam asked, raising his eyebrows in question. The things he would give for a car like that.
"Yeah, that's what I got told" Tony said and they both chuckled at the comment. Somehow it was easy with Sam, easy to joke about things that in all truths emotionally drain him. It strange, this sudden connection he's had with a stranger.
Tony doesn't say it and Sam doesn't ask, but there is this weird silent agreement and Sam follows Tony up to his apartment. Just making sure he gets all the way there and that it's actually his home and the phonebook wasn't outdated or something. Tony gets his keys out, the only thing he had on him when he left this morning. He slides it in the lock but as he goes to turn the key he finds that his door was already unlocked. Strange. He was sure he had locked it. But considering his mental state earlier he could easily be wrong.
Then he hears footsteps, as light as they are he hears them.
"Tony" she says his name in such a familiar way and laced with worry. She appears in front of him and she looks upset, maybe a little angry but her face changes because she realises he's okay.
"Ziva?" he asks, a little confused to her presence in his home. Only a little though because he feels like it's a somewhat expected thing for her to do.
"Hello" Ziva then focuses her gaze on the man standing behind Tony and her voice is confused because she's never seen this man before and she was sure she knew all Tony's friends.
"Hi" Sam returns, confidently. He obviously didn't have a problem when it came to meeting strangers.
"Tony where have you been?" Ziva looked back at him, suddenly jumping to a new conversation. Her mind was all over the place. Like she hadn't even seen the mystery man because she'd suddenly thought of something, like Tony being missing all day and she couldn't find him.
"I just went out for a walk to clear my head" Tony stated, it was the truth but it doesn't mean that he couldn't leave a few things out.
"I couldn't get hold of you or find you for the past three hours Tony" she stated and yeah, she sounded a bit agitated.
"I'm sorry I-" he began but she stopped him short.
"Never be unreachable" she said, simply that and that alone. He didn't quite get it.
"Is that a rule or something?" he asks and he doesn't realise that he raises his voice a little in challenge.
"Yes, it is. You have a phone and it wouldn't hurt you to take it with you when you just leave and go off somewhere for hours" she said, rising to meet his level. And they argue like there isn't anyone else in the room, and Sam he stands there quietly not interrupting. Because he doesn't want to get involved. It's not his business.
"Why do you need to always know where I am? Can't I just go off for a few hours alone without being bothered?" he snaps, because this is all too much and this is why he had gone off in the first place. Because it gets too much for him to handle.
"Because you just came out of the hospital after a major trauma, what if something terrible had happened? What if you-" she stopped mid-sentence. Because they all knew what she was about to say, the unhealthy emotional mess he is at the moment is obvious and she's right not to rule out the possibility of him taking his own life. Because when it gets this bad, that seems like the easy way out.
And yeah, this was fight number three.
He doesn't know what to say right now, he cannot get the words out. Because she was right. But he cannot help the strange feeling of having her on his case so much. He just needs her to let go. But if that happens he worries that she might never come back.
"You know what Tony, this might be hard for you but not only does it affect you, this hurts me too okay? I know it's hard but it's something we need to get through" she begins and he can tell she's not happy. Maybe he's already done the damage and she's not going to come back.
"And I guess you just don't want me being around like this all the time, it's just hard not to be around you because we were so close Tony and you don't seem to grasp how important you are to me. I don't want to screw up what I have with you. You are too important to me" she snaps, and yeah, he's really got right on her nerves this time. This time the fight wasn't going to finish as happy as the last two did. "But maybe it's too late and if you want to do this alone be my guest, don't say I didn't try to be there for you" she said and that was her, he couldn't get a word in because she'd finished the conversation.
He saw the tears build in her eyes and he didn't miss the one that escaped as she pushed past him and Sam and walked out the door.
What has he done?
Sam doesn't say a word, not for a long time. But then Tony is silent for far too long and so he speaks up.
"You okay?" was Sam's question. He didn't know that woman or what her relationship to Tony was but he has a feeling it was fairly significant. Tony shakes his head but he doesn't say anything as he walks deeper into his apartment. Ziva was right because at this point it wouldn't be a far stretch for him to take all this pain and confusion away by simply taking himself out of the picture, permanently.
Sam follows him into the apartment and watches as the man before him paces in circles, runs a hand over his short hair. He's frustrated, he's angry. He's upset. What happens next comes without warning, Tony suddenly turned towards the wall and the instant loud crack that splits the silence wasn't pleasant and Sam didn't stop to think when he moved over towards the grown man that began collapsing against the wall as he started to cry.
Sam's starting to think that Tony isn't as healthy as he thought he was. His head is plagued with so many thoughts and misunderstandings. Sam's seen this before and it's never a nice thing to witness.
"Tony?" Sam helps him sit up and he witnesses the tears that silently roll down Tony's face.
"I can't take this, it's too hard" Tony said, it didn't bother him that Sam was a stranger this morning and all day he's been telling this man his deepest struggles.
"It will get easier" Sam said as he sat himself in front of Tony.
"How is it going to get easier Sam? I can't help but push all the people closest to me away from me because it's too hard and when I do push them away it does nothing but hurt more. I hate this, all of this. I want to remember" he's upset and Sam doesn't blame him one bit.
"It hurts for a long time, but in the end it will be worth the pain" Sam explained. He doesn't know if Tony will remember or not, but either way there will be a lot of pain before it gets better, but it will get better.
Tony sits there silently because he doesn't know what to do with himself anymore. One thing he does know is that Ziva's not likely going to talk to him again. Why does he always argue with her? It gets him nowhere and she is always right. Because she knows and she remembers.
And Sam knows Tony won't say anymore, so he holds out his hand.
"Let me take a look" he said as he looked down at the hand Tony is cradling in his lap. The one that had made the sizable hole in his wall. Tony held out his hand and Sam moved a little closer and examined his knuckles and fingers, prodding and bending, causing a few gasps from Tony.
"You are lucky it's not broken but it will be sore for a few weeks, and you need to put something cold on that to stop the swelling" Sam explained his findings and when Tony didn't make any effort to get up Sam went in search of the freezer for something cold. He returned to find Tony where he had left him after he found a bag of frozen peas in the freezer. He gives it to Tony and he places it on his hand.
"Thank you" Tony said and there was something in the look he gave him that had Sam thinking that it wasn't just the frozen peas that Tony was thanking him for.
"You don't have to thank me" Sam assured him.
"I do after all the things you have done for me today. You're probably starting to see the mentally unstable me coming out and I am surprised you are still here" Tony said with a light laugh, one that still held some sadness to it.
"I'm not the type of person that walks away when I see that someone could use my help" Sam stated with a smile of his own. Because he wants to help Tony, because he knows Tony finds it easy to tell him things. Because he's a stranger.
Tony notices Sam looking at his watch.
"You have to be somewhere?" Tony askes. Sam nods.
"Yes, my shift at work starts in an hour" Sam explains. For some reason though Tony doesn't want his new stranger friend to leave. Because he makes him feel normal, like there's not a care in his world when in reality his world has so many demons clouding his mind.
"I'll come back to see you" Sam finds himself adding. Because he saw something on Tony's face and strangely he feels some sort of connection to Tony. He doesn't know what it is, but it's there.
"You will?" Tony asks, because he honestly thought he would never see this man again after today, he thought he'd just brush him under the doormat like the stranger he was.
"Of course" Sam adds with another smile as he stands up and holds his hand out to Tony, Tony takes it and Sam pulls him to his feet. Sam reaches into his back pocket and fishes out his wallet, pulling a small card out and handing it to Tony.
"It's got all my contact details on it, call anytime" Sam offers, because he may not know this man very well but he wanted to do everything he could to stop him from being as broken as he is.
"Thank you" Tony repeats. Because if Sam hadn't of been there for him today Tony didn't know where he'd be right now.
Tim doesn't expect the call when his phone starts to ring at the side of his typewriter. He hasn't written much in a while but suddenly after all this emotional stuff that has gone down with Tony he's finding himself back on it and ideas were coming out of him so fast his fingers were almost not fast enough to keep up. He doesn't know what it was, maybe he wrote better when he was having emotional troubles.
He picks it up once he's seen that it was Ziva who was calling him. Lately he finds her calling him more than she used to afterhours, and he will admit he calls her more too. It's just not the same without their old Tony, he used to balance them both. Now they are both craving what Tony used to give them and they find some comfort in the friendship they have with each other. It's still not the same though because Tim cannot give Ziva as much as Tony used to, because that would overstep the friendship line.
"Hey Ziva" he greets, most of the time when she turns to him she's feeling alone. Or upset.
"Hey Tim" she replies and just from that he can hear in her voice that she's trying to be calm, but she has been extremely upset by something. "Have you got anything planned this evening?" she asks and he knows that's the start of the conversation where she wants to go to dinner with him or a coffee, or just go do something with her friend to get her mind off things. Those 'things' being Tony's situation.
Tim looks down at the typewriter in front of him, as far as plans for the night went it was just him and his muse.
"No, I'm not doing anything" he replied and he knew what her next question would be before it left her mouth.
"Did you want to grab something to eat?" she asked. Maybe being with a friend would be more social than his night alone at home by himself, because he needs to get out a little more. And he knows that Ziva needs his friendship tonight and he would put anything aside to help her out. Ziva has always been a good friend to him, ever since he met her.
"Yeah, I'd like that. When were you thinking of going out?" he asked as he looked down at his attire, sweatpants and an old MIT shirt. He would need to get changed before going out.
"I'll be around soon to pick you up?" she asked. Okay so he would need to get changed as soon as he hung up the phone.
"Yeah, okay. I'll see you soon" he replied before they both hung up the phone. He added the last two words on his typewriter to the sentence he was on and ended the day's work with a full stop. He got up and went and got into something a bit more respectable for dinner in public.
Just as he emerged from his bedroom in jeans and a tidy shirt Ziva was knocking on his door. Somehow she'd always had impeccable timing. When he opened the door and greeted Ziva he couldn't help but notice how physically tired she looked. She looked like all the life had been drained from her and he'd never quite seen her ever look like this before. She always used to hide it so well, but right now the evidence was open and there for him to see.
"Hey Tim" she smiled, the smile wasn't forced but it was sad and tired. Tim's starting to think something went down with her and Tony that had caused a lot of damage.
They didn't need to communicate much with words to work well with each other, he grabbed his coat and followed her to the car park. They got into his car in a mutual silent decision, because she was tired and he wasn't too bothered about having to drive.
"Where did you have in mind?" Tim asked as he began driving but realised he didn't know what his destination was.
"Somewhere quiet" she replied. He looked across at her and saw how she sat curled up in her seat leaning against the window, yeah something had happened. He's not used to her quite this open, this fragile. This emotionally obvious.
And he knows just the place, it's the quiet restaurant that never has many people there but it serves some of the best food. It's one of the cheaper family run places that if you don't know it's there, you won't find it. He always feels like he should spread the word about the place because it's great and the people that own it are some of the nicest people he's met, but he's selfish and doesn't want to share. Because the best thing about it was the atmosphere of it all, it was calm and quiet, somewhere you could relax.
He knows Ziva likes to come here, he'd shown her the place about a year after she'd been in America. He used to keep it a secret from his friends because he liked to write here, but he couldn't help but show it to Ziva, because it was a her place. The side of her that liked to curl up in a comfy seat and read for hours on end.
He also knows that Tony knows about this place, but he only ever comes here with Ziva, he doesn't bring anyone else here. Well, Tony used to know about this place.
She's quiet for a long time and even as they find a table and go over the menus she doesn't say anything, the first thing she voices is her order to the waitress. And once the waitress leaves she looks out the window that they are seated next to and she just stares at the raindrops as they pound down upon the glass. The weather today hadn't been very forgiving.
Tim doesn't interrupt her thoughts because he knows from past experience that she will share when she was ready, he would just have to be patient and wait. She doesn't look at him to begin with when she decides it's time to share, she just continues to look out the window. And that tells him something, that this was really hard for her to get out. Because when she avoided looking at you when she was speaking it was either because she was lying, or it was something hard for her to admit. He knows in this case it's the latter.
"We had a fight" she said, it's almost a whisper. Them having fights wasn't necessarily a rare thing in the past, but now, now it was different. He doesn't put a word in either because he knows she will continue to explain.
"He does not want me around. So I am no longer going to go see him, because it seems to be what he wants" she states and he feels his own chest tighten and he doesn't know why, maybe it's the sadness in Ziva's eyes as she suddenly turns to look at him. Tony and Ziva were best friends, they can't do this. "I'm just going to have to let him go" her voice fades and he almost doesn't catch that last bit because her throat closes up, she's choking on her emotions right now.
"It was just one fight Ziva, I am sure things will calm down and he will come to his senses" Tim tries to assure her, but when she looks down at her hands on the table he thinks there's more to the story than she's letting on.
"It's our third one since he woke up" she admits. What has caused these arguments? Tony was nothing but happy when he went and visited him. Tim really doesn't know what to say right now.
"And this time, this time we didn't end it so good" she explained. He knows that most of the time when they fight they make up in the end, but the ugly few that there were, they are the ones that don't end too well. This was one of those. He's never been witness to one of those fights, he's only ever been there for the minor ones and they were bad enough. Because when the two of them fought you didn't want to be around, because it was painful to even witness it.
"Give him time Ziva, he'll come back" Tim assured her. Because no matter how bad their fight had been, any semi-intelligent man would come back to her. Because he would realise how important that person was to them.
"This is getting too hard" she said, almost ignoring his comment. But he knew she heard it and took it in.
"So what? You're just going to give up?" Tim asked, knowing that comment would get its intended reaction out of her. Her head snapped up and her eyes searched his in question. Tim's glad this restaurant is quiet and no one is around, because he didn't think they would be having such a conversation otherwise.
"I don't know what to do Tim, it's hard when I'm with him and it's hard when I don't see him. I don't know what to do anymore" she admitted, she was almost giving into defeat, this was crushing her and Tim could see. He'd never seen her this fragile before. Not even in Somalia was she this broken.
"I want to let him have his space, but I don't want to risk losing him" she whispers. If she lost him, she didn't know what she would do. She's broken enough already as it is. Her heart cannot let him go.
"Ziva" he says her name in such a soft way, a way that she is so not used to that she looks up at him "You will not lose him, I promise you that" he explains and that goes straight to Ziva's heart, because she wholeheartedly believes him. That he personally won't let it happen. Even if he has to go over to Tony's and talk some sense into the man by doing some serious emotional sharing.
"You are a good friend Tim" she smiles a little, but it's a start. If he was that type of person Tim would pray for Tony to remember, just so it brought peace to his family.
She'd warmed up a little more as the night grew onwards, the more Tim made her think less about her fight with Tony the more she calmed, the more she relaxed. And when she'd asked if she could come in when he drove them back to his apartment he didn't say no. He's not too sure what it was about why she asked, there was just something about it.
"Can we watch a movie?" she questioned when he brought her a hot drink that he'd just made. She was sitting on his couch and he could see her gaze looking at his small collection of movies. Small compared to the size of Tony's.
"Sure, what did you want to watch?" he asked, it was strange, because he doesn't think he's ever seen a movie with Ziva without Tony being there too.
"Anything, you have good taste" she said adding a little smile. He pulled out one of the Star Wars movies and she chuckled a little, but she didn't mind because she actually sort of liked those films.
Tim took a seat by her on the couch and picked up his own hot drink as he started the movie. He felt strange. Was she trying to make Tim fill the space that Tony had left? He doesn't know if he could do that, he's not Tony. And he cannot be like that with Ziva.
It was a while into the movie before Tim spoke up, because thoughts were plaguing his mind and he had to ask.
"Ziva" he said, trying to get her attention. Which he did. "You know I can't replace him, right?" Tim stated because he felt it needed to be said. Watching movies alone together late at night was something she did with Tony, not with him. Ziva fully turned her attention to him and forgot about watching the movie, this was a serious conversation. She's slightly confused at the question and where it had come from. Then she realised what they were doing and they've never hung out and watched a movie like this before. That was something she always did with Tony.
"I do not wish for you to Tim" she says softly, because she honestly didn't. "I just need some balance" she added, feeling the need to explain. She knows she needs to have some of what Tony gave her, because she doesn't feel right without the time she spent with him, because she used to have so much of it. And going from that much to near nothing at the moment, it was slowly draining her. Tim gets it too, she needs to have that reminder of Tony around her, because she's struggling without it. And Tim's not blind or stupid, he knows how much she is hurting.
"I cannot give to you what he gave you" Tim said quietly. Because he can't, he can't give her what she probably really needs from Tony. It's something far too intimate for Tim to give her, he cannot give her that companionship that she's in need of. Tim loves Ziva and she's one of his dearest friends, but he cannot do that.
"I know you cannot Tim, I would never ask you to do it" she said. She knows why Tim is saying all this, because he's a little unsure about what she wants from him. But she would never want anything more than his friendship. Yes, she needs what Tim speaks about but there is only one man who can give her that companionship and make her feel the way she does.
There is only one man who makes her heart pound harder and break so fast. One man who can give her his love without needing to say what he feels, he doesn't need to show her he just needs to look at her and she knows. That one man who is her best friend, the one who she's so strongly in love with that she doesn't know when or how it happened. Only one man can mean as much as he does to her, make her happy, make her who she is. And that's Tony.
"No one could ever replace Tony" she confided in him a little. And he didn't expect her to outright say it, but she did. And her words were so painful on his ears. Because it hurt her, not having him like she used to just crushed her heart. It was starting to hurt his because he hated his friend feeling like this.
Tim reaches out and places his hand over hers, her eyes settle on his as he grips onto her hand gently.
"No one can love you like he does" Tim whispered. He knows Tony does, he's known for a long time. The man hadn't outright said it to him in such words, Tim just knows. And he knows she loves Tony just as much. They are just too stubborn, maybe just too afraid to admit it.
Ziva's smile was so small and just the way she looked at him had his heart twisting, because those words made her happy, but they killed her all the same.
"Did" she states, correcting his statement. He doesn't remember loving her like he used to. Tim didn't like when her eyes got glassy and tears threatened to spill, she was so broken and he didn't know if anything would ever get her back on her feet.
He knows everything happens for a reason, but this reason hurts.
I know this one is a bit sad, but there's always got to be a bit of emotion when someone has a tragedy like Tony did. I'm off to get another beer before starting the next chapter, I would love to hear your thoughts while I did so!
Hundan.