Hello people!
I managed to just finish this after spending most of the evening so far on it! And just as Nicky messaged me I was finishing up, so here you are Nicky! And also that Anon that I promised on tumblr last night that I would try my best to have this up tonight! Hope you all enjoy as always! Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, they really do make me enjoy writing so much more than I already do!
It's been two weeks, two long weeks since their fight. And he hasn't seen her once. He doesn't know what to do. He's thought about going over to her house and just showing up, trying to fix the things he's broken but he doesn't know where he stands. He doesn't know if it's in his right to do that, show up like that after such a fight. He's wondered all week how he used to do it, how he used to fix their troubles, but he just doesn't know.
He hasn't heard from her and she hasn't come to see him, she stood by her word and she hadn't come back. He doesn't know why but it's been hurting him more than he thought. He doesn't remember her but it hurts that she's not there and he doesn't know why that is.
He talked to Gibbs briefly last week when the older man showed up at his front door, checking in on him. He saw the look in the older man's eyes though, the one that told him he knew about what had gone down between him and Ziva. He looked upset at the idea and Tony is starting to see more and more how much Gibbs cared about his team. But Gibbs didn't ask him about the fight, his eyes just silently accused him. And yeah, he deserves it.
"You need to stop hanging out with me and avoiding it" Sam's voice filled the silence in the kitchen. Tony looked up and realised that he'd been staring into space and thinking again. He and Sam had grown close in the past couple weeks because they both enjoyed the company and Tony felt so at ease around Sam when it came to everything. Because Sam didn't know any more than Tony did about himself. It was easy. Sam was smiling at him as he held a beer out to him. Tony accepted it with a shrug towards the comment.
"I'm not avoiding it, I don't know how to approach it" he replied. And he didn't, he didn't know how to start fixing the damage he made. Would she accept an apology? Or would it take more than that?
"Just go over there and see her for Christ sake Tony" Sam stated, it's what he's been saying all week but Tony just doesn't know how to do that. Every time he thinks about seriously going he begins to panic on the inside, because he doesn't want to mess this up more than he has.
"I can't just go over there Sam" Tony argued. It wasn't an angry argument, it was a discussion between men. One where Sam thought Tony was being a complete idiot the longer he waited.
"Look I know it's going to be hard but you have to be a man and face the pain because otherwise you'll never get her back" Sam stated. He knows the situation, he knows who Ziva is as much as Tony does after he explained her and deep down he knows that this woman is important to Tony. Even if he might not remember just how much. He saw how heartbroken and crushed she had been when they had the fight, it wasn't just the face of a co-worker or friend being hurt, it was much more than that.
"What am I meant to say? I don't know what to say, I don't know how to be with her" Tony sighs as he takes a sip of his beer. It would be so much easier if he just knew how she worked, how he worked with her. How he apologised to her.
"Just go over there and tell her what's on your mind" Sam offered. Tony would thank him for this encouragement further down the track, Sam has seen far too many people go down Tony's path that he was taking after life changing accidents. It never turned out good, people were forever left heartbroken because of it. Being the people person he was Sam always went back later on and checked up on the patients he'd had a connection with on a scene. It's just who he was.
"What if she doesn't even let me in? What if she slams the door in my face because I was a complete jerk? I wouldn't be surprised if she never wants to talk to me again" Tony stated, all he could think was the negative because he'd ruined things so much. He doesn't know why he cares about this so much because he doesn't remember her. There's just something inside him that is telling him that this is all so wrong and it needs fixing. Maybe it was her face, the way emotion crashed into her like a wave and she was on the verge of crying as she escaped his apartment. Yeah, that had ripped into him more than he could ever understand.
"At least she knows you tried, that you made the effort" Sam explains. Tony sits there and Sam watches him seriously think about it, then he suddenly stands up.
"Where are you going?" Sam asks with a smile. He knows exactly where he's going.
"To see her" Tony states as he grabs his coat from next to the back door. He shoots a smile at Sam before he walks out the door. Sam sees confidence in him but he can tell he's still unsure. He knows he has to do it though, otherwise he may never have her as a friend again.
He knows where her apartment is because he's driven to it a couple of times in the past couple weeks but never has he had the nerve to go up and see her. He just hasn't been able to do it. It took him a little longer to get here because the winter weather outside likes to cover the streets in ice and snow, slowing down his journey. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, more time lets his thoughts go, it lets him start to think he might regret this.
When he gets there he jogs across the car park from his car to the building, dashing to avoid the snow that falls. It's almost Christmas. He doesn't know what he does for Christmas normally, he doesn't have much of a family to share it with. He walks up the stairs to her floor, he's done his homework, he knows which floor she's on and what apartment is hers. Maybe deep down he knew he would eventually come here because he'd took the time to find all this information out.
He gets to her apartment and he knocks three times, he does it before he hesitates and walks away. There's no turning back. And then he waits. No answer. He knocks again and then waits. Still no answer. He has her key but he knows he doesn't have the right to use it. He has lost that trust.
She must not be home. He slowly descends the stairs back the way he came. Maybe this was fate telling him that she's better off without him, without the hurt that clings to him wherever he goes.
For her it's been a very hard two weeks. Two weeks since he gripped her heart in his hands and pulled it from her chest. She knows she hasn't been the same since then, everyone around her notices it. Tim knows because she talked to him, Gibbs knows because nothing gets past that man. Gibbs even pulled her aside one day and asked, which was not really like him. She didn't have to say anything for him to know, he read her eyes like they were a thousand words.
The fact that Abby plays sad music in her lab and not her usual death metal tells everyone that she's still far from okay about everything, but Tim's been looking after her because Ziva doesn't have the strength to hardly look after herself. Tim was taking care of everyone.
Carter notices too but that's mainly because she doesn't talk much to anyone. It was normal for her not to talk to him, but not hardly talking much to anyone and he knew something was really bothering her.
She cannot stop thinking about him, she knows she should just forget about him. But it's not that easy. She'll never be able to forget him, it's Tony. Her best friend, her partner. He was a part of her.
All she could do for the past two weeks was sit at home and watch movies, she wonders where she has gone because it's not like her. She used to watch a couple movies a week when she went over to Tony's house or he came to hers, but never did she sit by herself at home and watch them for hours on end while she ate ice cream by the tubs. She was a book person at heart and he was the movie lover, but she just needed that escape to be one that reminded her so much of him. As of late she had retired her books and taken a craving for his films.
As she drives home that night she sees all the coloured lights that litter streets, it's that time of year again. Christmas. She never celebrated it as a child because it wasn't a Jewish celebration, she didn't really see what Christmas was like until she moved to America. She wouldn't be called a religious person because she's essentially not. Yes, she was born Jewish but she never really complied to the beliefs much.
She spent Christmas with her neighbour last year but she kindly denied the offer this year, she did not want to dampen their lovely Christmas with her broken heart. Maybe this year she will just spend the time watching Christmas movies, she's been meaning to watch Home Alone and The Nightmare Before Christmas. She doesn't think she should bother with a tree, because Tony was the one who always said she needed one, even if he never had one himself.
Secretly she knows he loves Christmas trees but he cannot bring himself to have one in his own home when no one is there to enjoy it with him. But if he puts one in her apartment she'll always be there. So Christmas doesn't feel so alone for him because he has her. She shouldn't think these things right now, because it upsets her. She misses how he would always do that for her because secretly she loved how he'd turn to her for companionship on such an important holiday.
The snow whips against her windscreen as she drives home, slower than usual. No need to be ninja in this weather when it came to driving, because it really could be dangerous. She pulls into the car park outside her apartment and as she steps out of her mini she pulls her coat around her tighter as she steps out of her heated car into the cold wind that whips icy air across her cheeks.
She bowed her head against the wind as she walks across the car park to stop the weather hitting her face. But then she looks up, she can feel it. She can feel someone looking.
Him.
She stops walking and stares at him, he stands a few feet from her after exiting her apartment building. What was he doing here?
"Ziva" he says her name quietly. It feels so familiar for him saying her name, he's been thinking about her too much. He didn't know what she was going to say right now, would she just walk past him and ignore him?
The cold wind whips her hair around and the cold chill begins to creep its way down her back as she stares at him. Snowflakes gather in his hair as he stands in front of her and doesn't move, he just waits. Waits for her to say something.
She doesn't know what to say because she didn't expect this. She didn't expect him to come back to her, she thought he'd just stay away. Because it was easier. When she doesn't say anything he swallows the nervous lump in his throat and speaks up.
"I don't care how hard it's going to be, I need you" he says softly. He doesn't know where it comes from or why he says it' he just knows it's the truth. His brain may not remember but maybe his heart does.
Is she hearing him right? Are those words coming from his mouth right now? They couldn't be. She couldn't form any of her own words.
More snow falls on them and his hair starts to turn white. It's really coming down tonight. He takes a step closer to her.
"I don't know what it is but there's something about you, something about you I cannot let go. And after you walked out of my apartment like you did, I felt like I'd destroyed something that was dearly important to me. I don't know what any of this means, I just know I need to tell you that I am sorry and I hope that I can earn your forgiveness" he rattles out, because it just suddenly rushes out of him and he has no real control of what he's saying, it forms itself.
She thinks about what he says, she really thinks. She doesn't think about the snow falling down on her and freezing her to the bone, she thinks about him and what he has to say.
"The thing is you hurt me so much. I have every reason not to forgive you. But I do. However the rest is up to you, if you ever hurt me again like you did…" she drifts off, because this is hard to say "I won't be able to forgive. I'm trusting you" with my fragile heart. He's quiet at her words because they are a lot to take in. She's giving him another chance because she has to, her heart cannot deny him. But if he breaks it again, he won't be coming back for more. Her heart can only take so much.
"I promise I never will" he assures her. He knows it's not good to make promises that you might not be able to keep but he will do everything he can to keep this promise. He doesn't want to hurt her again, he wants her to trust him. He wants to get to know her again, he wants to know his best friend.
And she takes his word for it because that's all she can do. She cannot say no to the offer he gives her. Because it's him.
The chill is really starting to bite firmly against her skin but all she wants to do is stand here and stare at him.
"Come inside" she offers, waiting for his answer. A small smile tugs his lips upwards, because this was not her saying no to him, this was her really giving him another chance.
"Okay" he accepts her offer because he simply cannot say no to it. In the past two weeks without her being around he's noticed that his mind had had it easier yeah, but his heart hadn't. And he doesn't quite know why that is, he just knows he wants to find out.
She walks through the wind and her steps get closer to his, it's like the weather is trying to force her away from him. But what does Mother Nature know? His eyes follow her steps and when she walks past him towards the apartment she shares with him a smile, one that holds hope. Hope for their friendship, hope for this to all work out this time. They couldn't take much more struggle, well she knows she cannot.
He turns and follows her as she walks up to the building he had previously exited and as he does he cannot help but let his eyes follow the soft sway of her hips as she marches on in the cold wind as it slaps against their skin and sprinkles them with icy flakes. He knows she's a beautiful woman and he will admit to the fact he'd had a dream or two about her in the past few weeks, but he'll only admit that to himself. To think that she had let him have her, that he had had the privilege to make her his –even if it had only been for one night- made his heart tight and his pulse beat a little quicker. Because there was just something about her.
She takes him up to her apartment and they go past what he guesses is one of her neighbours, she's an older lady and she greets him with cheery hello and warm smile, she was familiar with him. He greets her back much the same because it's polite and he knows that if he did remember the woman he would have shared the gesture.
When he looks up to Ziva at her door with the key in the lock she's staring at him.
"You remember Mrs Finley?" she asked, her eyes have lit up because he must have had sounded quite genuine when he greeted her neighbour.
"No" he says quietly, hating the way the hope is stripped from her face as quick as that. Because he hadn't seen her face light up like that, with that much hope for a while. Not since the day he woke up. And just like he had when he woke up and said he had remembered, that hope was ripped right out of her heart. He's starting to see that he can cause a lot of damage to her so easily, and he doesn't like that he can do that.
It means it will be easy for him to hurt her again, hard for him to keep his promise that he assured her that he would wholeheartedly stand by. He knows they have a long road ahead of them, and he also knows that it's going to be a hard and very bumpy road at that. But he's not going to give up on the journey.
Oh yes, things are looking up so far for the two of them! Love to hear what you guys think!
Hundan.