Hey guys.
I'm sorry this chapter took so long to write I've just been super busy at work seeing that it is my last week for the year, and I've been getting ready to leave the flat for the year to return home for Christmas break. Thank you all for the thoughts on the last chapter and I hope you enjoy this one also. Seeing as I finish work in a couple days I am hoping to have a little more time up my sleeve for quicker updates!
Hundan.
Her apartment isn't much warmer than it is outside but the walls provide as a better barrier against the wind then his bare face. He watches as she walks around and switches on a few things, hopefully those heaters will kick in soon. She strips off the jacket from her shoulders and places it on the back of a chair before pulling the tie from her hair and shaking her curls out, a few snowflakes fall from where they had been trapped.
"Have you eaten?" she asks, because she knows this is difficult for them but she's going about this casually, because it's hard not to. And when he smiles, she thinks that maybe it will work this way this time.
"No, not yet" he replies. He watches as she walks to her kitchen and opens the fridge, all the while he stands and wonders what to do with himself.
"Would you like some dinner?" she asked as she pulled out some meat from her freezer, she was cooking none the less but she was inviting him to join her.
"If it's not too much hassle" he offered because he didn't want to intrude. He watches as she smiles at him, like there was something he said that triggered something in her. He may be trying to make things better but it will still hurt him a little when she remembers like that and he cannot remember a thing.
"You are never a hassle Tony, I am used to cooking extra for you" she replied. He must have come around a lot. She grabs a few things out of cupboards and he wonders if he should join her in the kitchen and help or sit at the bar bench and watch. He would feel rude just watching her slave away making the dinner, he's not a man that believes the woman should reside in the kitchen, he thinks it should be equal between partners. And after all, he was meant to be her partner in one sense.
He walks into the kitchen and she looks up at him, the look on her face tells him a lot. It tells him that she's used to him joining her in the kitchen but she's slightly surprised by it because she may have not expected it after he'd lost his memory.
"Can I help you?" he asks because he feels like he should. A smile lights her face when he does. It's been a while since she's cooked with him, but she loves it when they do. She doesn't know why but it was always something that brought their bond a little closer, maybe that was because it was such a domestic task to do together. Whatever it was, it was something she missed a lot when it came to him.
"Of course" she replied and he was the one smiling back now. He took off his jack and placed it on the chair next to her one before walking back around the island to join her in the kitchen.
She has to instruct him what to do and it's a little strange to her, because she hasn't had to tell him where things are or how she likes things done in a long time, not since the first few times they had cooked together. After that he'd known everything, every single way she liked things cooked, chopped and sliced. And he knew her kitchen as good as he knew the way around his own. But tonight they were starting from the beginning again and she cannot help but think to herself that this is just like their relationship, starting from the very beginning to learn the way things work between them.
There's ease in the air with him that she hasn't felt since he woke up. She doesn't know what it is but maybe it's the fact they are so busy cooking together that their minds are forgetting all the complications that their relationship brings between them at the moment. It felt easier this way, when they didn't have to think about it. And she was smiling, and he was smiling. It was beautiful. She didn't want it to ever end because for a short minute things felt normal again, like he was her old Tony. The one that remembered her and everything they have been through.
It's as though time stands still and they are trapped in a moment of the past but yet they stood here in the present. She knows it won't last forever, how easy this is right this minute. But she was going to savour it until she gets another.
She slides the cooking tray into the oven, they are done. All that is left now is the waiting game and this was where their minds become open and undistracted. This is where she thinks that their moment is going to end.
She stands and turns to look at him and she finds his gaze watching her carefully and there's a smile warming his face. She doesn't know what the smile was for but she cannot help but smile back.
"Would you like a beer?" she finds herself asking because she doesn't know what else to say. She doesn't know what type of conversation she should start because the mood was so light between them right now she really doesn't want to ruin it.
"Yeah, I'd like that" he replied. As she turned to the fridge to get one of his beers –which she still had in there because it's a habit of hers to always be stocked up with his drink- she can feel his eyes follow her. His gaze warms her skin because it's like it used to be, how he used to watch her. Some people would find it strange but there was always something in the way that he looked at her that left her feeling whole. Feeling appreciated. Tony had always appreciated her.
She pulls out two beers, one for her and one for him and after she pops the top she hands it to him. She doesn't know if she means to but her finger brushes against his as she give him the bottle and for some reason that soft and simple touch had her smile lighting up more than before. When it came to them just the simplest touches and gazes meant so much more. She wonders if it will be the same now.
"Thank you" he says quietly. His gaze is watching her so closely, there is something about it but she cannot quite place it. Why was he watching her like that? She stares back at him and holds his gaze and for a while they just stand there like that with smiles on their faces. She doesn't get it but she's not complaining about it.
"Can I ask you something?" he finds himself saying. He doesn't know if he should approach this now but the mood is right and he feels as though she will tell him. It just feels right in this moment. Because somehow things felt easy right now. She looks at him and really wonders what he has on his mind. She knows this has the potential to get a little ugly because last time he asked her something on his mind it hadn't gone too well. But she guesses they have to grow by risking these things.
"Sure" she replies as she takes a sip of her beer and leans back against the kitchen bench. He's standing opposite her and doing much the same. He opens his mouth to let the question fall from his lips but she watches him hesitate a little, he contemplates not asking it. But when she gives him a small smile in reassurance he manages to get it out.
"What was I like before all of this?" he asks, he has had that on his mind for a long time and he finally knows he cannot wait any longer to find out. He wants more than anything to know exactly what he was like. Sure Tim had told him about as much as he knew, but Tony wants to hear it from her, someone who knows him better than anyone. If anyone can tell him who he used to be it's her.
She looks at him for a minute because she didn't really expect that to be what he was going to ask her. And this answer is not a simple one, because it's not a simple question.
"You were a very funny man, but not everyone got your humour. But then again sometimes you did take it too far" she smiles as she says it and again she is remembering something from their past. This time however it makes him smile too, just seeing her smile like that about something about him, even if he doesn't remember he's smiling about it. He doesn't say anything though because he knows she's not finished.
"You were a really good agent, one of the best that there is. You haven't needed to work under Gibbs for a long time but you still do, because you do not do change very well" she admits, he can see this conversation starting to get very personal "And you are one of the most reliable and descent men I know, you'd do anything for anyone without a second thought. You are one of a kind and that's what makes you so special" she said and the way she was looking at him made his cheeks suddenly become a lot warmer. She appreciated who he was so much.
"You have come a long way over the years, when I first met you, you were quite different. The underline of who you are was there but on the surface you were so different and you've grown so much, you've become a better man than anyone could have imagined" her voice is becoming softer and he can tell how personal this had now become. Her eyes just looked at him in such a way it told him how important he was to her, just with that look.
She looks at him quietly then, because she doesn't know how far he exactly wants her to explain. Because she honestly could stand her all night long and tell him everything about him. But maybe that would be too much.
"You said I didn't do change well?" he asked, speaking up when he realised she was waiting for him to say the next thing. He watches as she takes a sip of beer while she thinks of how to word this.
"From as far as I know and as much as you have let me in, many things in your past have hurt you and they have all happened because of change, so you avoid change as much as possible. Because when something hurts you, it does more damage than it should because you keep so much of it bottled up inside to yourself. That is one thing I wish you never did, hide it all and keep it bottled up, but then again I cannot judge you on that so much without being a bit hypocritical" she said with a light smile. Because yeah, they were both the same in that way when they shouldn't be. But's it's just how they have both learned to protect themselves when it comes to the things that matter most, things that will break your heart if you are not careful enough.
He's starting to understand just how much she knows about him now, she knows all the small things, all the important things. Things that are far more personal than an average friend would know. They must have been very open with each other, but then again he feels as though they still didn't share a lot when it came to their feelings about each other. Because he gets the feeling when she looks at him sometimes that she cares more than just his best friend. And from the things he knows he wouldn't put it very far past himself to think the same about her. But yet it was obviously something they didn't discuss.
He's had a hard time coming to terms with his relationship with her, for some reason he just struggled with her and everyone else seemed to be alright. He still isn't fully at terms with what exactly his relationship with her really is, and he doesn't think he will truly know unless he ever gets his memory back. Because people can only explain so much, you cannot describe the full extent of some feelings. Those ones had to be felt and understood personally, never explained to by someone else.
So far this evening with her had gone alright, and he's glad. Because there's something that he feels, he's not sure what it is but it's deep in his bones and he just feels something about her. How important she is to him. He doesn't know where the feeling comes from, he just knows it's there hidden deep in his confusion somewhere. And as soon as he'd crushed her heart that day not too long ago, that feeling had suddenly woken him like a punch to the gut. He cannot explain it and he won't try to, he'll just listen to it. Because it seems like it's helping him make things change for the better.
He suddenly realizes he's been quiet for a little while and Ziva is watching him carefully. She just explained something deeply personal about him that she knows a lot about and he's yet to reply.
"We are similar then?" he asks, remembering her saying she'd be a bit hypocritical if she called him out on bottling up his emotions. To him, Ziva felt like she shared a lot of emotions, but maybe that was just something she did with him.
"Not exactly, I wouldn't say we were similar. Some aspects maybe, but we are quite different" she explained. He watched her smile a little to herself, she must be remembering something. And he's still quite jealous when she does that.
She remembers just how different she used to be to Tony, but a handful of things about them are quite similar these days. And that's all because of his influence on her. She won't lie to herself in saying he didn't change who she was, because in all honesty Tony had changed her from the woman she was when he first met her. And she was grateful for it, because she preferred the woman she was now to the one she was eight years ago.
He nods his head at her, like he understood her answer and he didn't need to know any more information. She knew that he needed to know more than simply that to fully understand but for some reason he wasn't going to ask. She found it strange that he wasn't digging for the truth, because it's something that was constant from him, because he didn't know and he didn't understand.
"I don't understand how you handle all of this, but I'm thankful for it" he suddenly said, jumping the conversation to something completely different. She draws her eyebrows together, confused a little at what exactly he was referring to. Cooking for him?
He seemed to catch onto her confusion.
"I meant how you try your best with me, no matter how much I pressure you or constantly ask you about everything, you always seem to let me in, help me out" he explained and she was now on the same page as him.
"You are my best friend, there is not anything I wouldn't do for you" she replied and he realised how softly she'd said it. This was from deep within her heart. For a minute he looked down at his beer and turned it around in his hands. He doesn't know what to say, because he doesn't know what to feel.
"I think you are my best friend and I think I might do anything for you too" he replied softly. He doesn't know exactly what he's doing but saying that felt right. Like it was something he should say to her right now. He lifts his gaze and meets her eyes that stare at him, they hold a look of almost adoration.
"We have a long road ahead of us" she begins, and he feels the way this turns a little more serious. But it was a good serious, because they were starting to get their problems sorted and they were moving forward. He was all for going in the forward direction with her right now, because things were looking up. Things felt a little easier on his heavily weighed down shoulders.
"And we will take it slowly, but we will get there in the end" she continues. He does see that hope in her eyes at the last part, she hopes with everything she's got inside her heart that they will get there. And yeah, he does too. He feels like it's worth it with her, even if he doesn't fully understand her yet, he knows he wants to and that he will try to as much as he possibly can.
He lifts his beer and tips it towards her, she smiles and does the same. It might not be a promise but they will hope together that they get there eventually. Now for them it was all about time, time that they took small step by small step to get to the intended journey in the end.
She won't say that she's not scared about what might happen, because she's terrified. She promised to give him another chance after he broke her heart but the pain still lingers there, she hasn't forgotten. At this point they are okay, she is just afraid because she knows they are fragile. And once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again.
But she does it, because she hopes for the better and not the worse. And because simply, she cannot live without him.
Oh oh, we are slowly moving along! Love to hear your thoughts!