A/N: Ever feel like these chapters are just getting longer? They probably are. They probably most definitely are! My apologies to anyone who is not liking Meg's past, as there will be a bunch of it coming up. There's a lot of it in this chapter, too. Thank you so much for the new favorites and followers! I pay attention to all of of it and it means a lot to me.

Heaven's Grief

My saving grace is saving face,
Lost on the back burner. – "My Saving Grace" by Armor For Sleep

Chapter Four: Angels

It was early morning when my mother shook me awake. The air was crisp and the room was freezing cold. The horses were drawn and my belongings were safely packed away. I did not like the idea of leaving my family, but I found solace in the fact that I would return in a month's time. I sat still while my mother braided my hair. I did not speak during breakfast, but rather agonized over the thought of being around William, and his noble relatives.

They were snobbish high-hats and I knew that I would not belong.

"You must smile whenever he is in your presence. Laugh modestly whenever he tells a joke, even if you do not find it amusing. Be mindful of your sharp tongue and do not ever openly speak your mind." These were words that I have heard before, maybe even a dozen times. I nodded with that same smile my mother was asking me to fake. "Of course, mother."

Jane and Sarah came from their room. The smallest, Jane, would be turning six while I was away. She told me how upset she was about it, until I promised to bring home sweets. Sarah was ten years old and bright. She already knew how to read and write as a result of my constant attention. My sisters, I feared I would miss them the most.

"Megan, must you leave?" Jane asked, as she scratched at the top of her freckled nose, a sign that she was sad. I smiled sadly, "Yes. I must leave, but I will be back as soon as I can. And it will feel like a long time, but it is only half a season. Do you know how fast those go by?"

The tears I knew would be coming were swelling up in her brown eyes as she nodded. Sarah was more difficult, looking tensed with forced anger, but I knew it would not last long. "I do not see why you must go. We would be fine as long as we were together."

"That may be so, but Lord William is a good man." It took me forever to convince myself of that reality and it was easier now for the lie to roll off my tongue. I needed to be strong in front of them, even if it hurt. I rationalized it, "And we need some good in our lives."

My mother stepped in from outdoors, wrapping herself securely in her shawl against the rain that had started to come down hard. "Make haste now, child. It is time to go."

"Remember to write to us!" I felt Sarah close her small arms around me and Jane's soon followed. Their heartfelt embrace caused me to break little by little as I held onto their arms, hugging them back. They were shaking and wracked with sobs. Every part of my being was reluctant to let them go. "I will write you, I promise."

Their grips slipped away, as I removed myself from them. And when I reached the doorway, I turned to look at them for the few moments that I was spared. "You will be all right, do you understand me?" My mother's voice was harsh as she pulled me to her and held on tightly. "Here, take this with you and do not lose it." She placed something in my hand, a hard covered book. "It was your father's… allow it to give you courage."

"Thank you," my gratitude came out as a shaky breath. I was touched and overwhelmed, since she kept my father's belongings locked away like treasures, such as they were. She gently released me and watched forlornly as I was helped into the carriage. I did not look out the side, knowing that my family would be standing there until I was out of sight.

Halfway down the road, I wished I had been unable to see the plague bearers retrieving what could only have been bodies from our neighbors, the Morris home. Four coffins were laid on the grass and the graves were dug fresh beside them. My stomach fell and my heart tugged at the loss. A once happy and healthy family was so swiftly gone.

All I could do was pray.

I woke up with a pounding headache, not at all surprised considering the unwelcomed memory from my past. The more they occurred, the more vivid and real they felt. The clock on the bedside table indicated that I had only slept for three hours. My hand reached for the bag of clothing, finding myself a pair of jeans, and slid them on. I threw my hair up and walked into the bathroom to wash my face. It all seemed natural to me at this point.

My eyes looked up into the mirror from habit, nearly jumping out of my skin when I saw Castiel standing behind me. I turned and gripped the counter with my hands, sarcastically muttering, "Oh, hi. Welcome back. No need to announce yourself or anything."

He asked, genuinely confused. "Why would I need to do that?"

"You're popping in and out on people unexpectedly and you can't understand why it might be better to tell them that you're there?" I unwrapped one of the hotel's toothbrushes, trying to ignore the intrigued angel who was still standing so close me. I looked at him in the reflection, growing impatient, "Well?"

"I can see how it would simplify things." 'But I wouldn't be taking it under advisement' was the part he didn't add to the end of his statement.

I rinsed my mouth out into the sink and walked past him into the room. "See Clarence, that's why you make people uneasy." He abruptly appeared in front of me, startling me once again. His face was at least somewhat apologetic this time, "You were right about the bag. I can't keep the Angel Tablet there, Meg."

"Is that where you were all night? Looking for a place to hide it?" Seeing how the bag was still on him, it was safe to assume that he had failed in that mission. He wouldn't trust the Angel Tablet any place he could think of, not that I blamed him. "If it's not in your hands, then it's not a place you can trust storing it, am I right?"

He looked me in the eye. "Yes."

"It's not like you can swallow it whole or that would be the first thing I'd suggest." I shook my head at the thought, trying to remove the image of Castiel swallowing it in one bite from my mind. Why was I so cruel to myself? "If I still had my mojo, I would have found a way to turn the tablet invisible at the very least."

He grew still, his blue eyes flashing seriously, "You've given me an idea." I silently watched him, as he tugged his shirt free from his slacks. His slender fingers worked at the buttons that kept the fabric fastened together. "I can conceal the Angel Tablet inside of me." I held in a breath, as his shirt hung loose over his shoulders, revealing his smooth skin to me.

Of course, Castiel was nothing short of perfection. I considered what he would look like beneath the trench coat and suit a few times while I was still a demon. Back then my longing for Castiel was perhaps the only quality of being human about me. It was enough to change me and it even gave me hope in my otherwise dim existence. How many times had I thought of him while I was being tortured, unable to do anything except wait to die, or be freed?

My angel, no – my unicorn was oblivious to the predicament he was currently placing me in. Unashamed, I greedily took him in, first to his chest that was delicately sculpted, then to his arms that were toned and straining beneath the layers of his clothing. His muscles flexed as he reached for the duffle bag to retrieve the tablet. Then from his abdomen to his navel and lower to the top of his pants where my view was cut off, was firm and lightly built just like the rest of him.

"Your face is red." I snapped out of my reverie upon hearing his rough voice. I hadn't even realized the growing warmth in my face, until he mentioned it. Not that there was much to be done about it.

I cleared my throat, trying to regain some composure. "So, how is this going to work?" He answered me by bringing the tablet to his stomach, a whitish blue light poured from his hands that then melded the hard stone to his skin. He eased the tablet with precision, a look of slight pain and concentration on his face, until the process was finished.

"Well done, Clarence. You sure know how to impress a girl." I stepped closer to him, staring at the spot where he absorbed the tablet, not seeing any signs that he had forcibly shoved something into his stomach.

He seemed proud of himself. "Admittedly, the idea was inspired by your suggestion to consume the tablet."

"I wouldn't have thought of this…" I brought my hand up intending to touch him, when I paused in my actions. That probably wouldn't have been appropriate, not like he was making a move to dress himself. He stood there, his blue eyes curious as they watched me. It was different when we were alone with each other, almost like the tension resumed full force.

"You can't feel it," he said in a soft tone, grabbing my forearm before I could pull away. His fingers slid down to my wrist as he placed my palm against his warm skin. I looked at him, confused, when a small smile touched the corners of his lips, "Your mind speaks loudly, Meg."

"And just how much do you hear?" My heart started to pound, something that was an annoying occurrence while in his presence. I was transparent and vulnerable to an angel who indulged himself in my privacy. His hand closed over my own, drawing it up along his abdomen in a slow caress, and I had to wonder if these were my desires, his, or maybe a combination of both.

I leaned forward on my toes, as my arm moved up, supported by the firm pressure of his other hand that was now at the small of my back. His body was hard and warm against mine as he pressed us together. I could feel it this time, the heat resurfacing on my face as his dark eyes pierced through me, and his lips parted to speak steady and deep with conviction, "Everything."

My voice came out just as hushed as his, "What is everything?" I wanted him to tell me. I needed to know that he understood exactly what that meant, to know everything, and that his affection wasn't something imagined; that it had always been consistently real and in accordance with his actions.

"My answer would take hours to show you. Unfortunately, we've stayed here for too long." His eyes roamed cautiously around the room, like he could hear something or see something that I couldn't, not with my human senses anyway.

"I guess I should start packing up." He instead took hold of my wrist again and began to walk briskly, when suddenly we were aboard a train, his pace never slowing despite the unpleasant effects teleportation had on me. I could see that he was now dressed. I took notice of the changes he made to me as well, as there was now a messenger bag hitting the back of my legs, probably filled with my new belongings. I was even wearing my boots.

He released me once we were inside an unoccupied sleeper. "Stay here." Where else would I go? I sat down and waited what was only seconds for him to return with a plate of pizza in his hands.

I took the plate from him. "Boy, you're just dropping all sorts of subtle hints today."

"I'm not sure what you mean."

He was a bad, horrible liar.

"Pizza," I said teasingly, my smile reaching my eyes as I stared at him.

He took a seat across from me and leaned forward, "A coincidence."

I titled my head at him, "Showing me your answer for hours."

He sat back and remained quiet, caught and amused by it.

"And for the record, a girl doesn't need to eat this much." He had stacked the plate up with six slices of pepperoni pizza. Yesterday there were over ten burgers in the Biggerson's bag. I didn't want this to become a thing.

"I'm used to being around the Winchesters. Their appetites are quite extensive, especially Dean's. He – once stopped off to participate in a pie eating contest against a man who held the record of eating fifteen in under twenty minutes. Dean won with twenty-five pies four minutes under that time."

"I'll have to remember to congratulate him when I see him," I laughed, enjoying the happiness that was evident on Castiel's face at what could only have been a good memory.

"Dean is mad and I doubt he would want to see me." Even without him telling me what the argument was about, there were still things that the Winchester wouldn't readily forgive Castiel for, if at all. The fact that the angel had the tablet and was guarding it by himself could only have meant that he didn't trust Dean, a blow to the hunter who would always be loyal.

"I don't think there's ever a time when Dean Winchester doesn't want to see you, especially when he's upset."

He looked at me and knew that it was true, but he would most likely keep his distance.

I turned in the seat and curled my legs up, trying to get comfortable. My eyes shut and soon it was impossible to open them again. The soft lull of the train moving beneath us and the security of Castiel's presence made it easy for me to fall asleep. I felt him grab the plate from my loosening grip and moved so that he was now sitting next to me.

It would be okay if things stayed like this for a while.

Maybe I didn't care for the answers anymore.

I should start living again.

TBC