Sorry that I have been gone for a little while and working on this one guys, I'm on course with work at the moment with no internet and a lot of study and work to do so it's difficult to get much of this done, however I managed to get this done and found some internet so I could update it. I hope you enjoy it and it was worth the wait!
When he wakes he realizes he's not alone, not even close to alone.
She's snuggled into his side and overnight they have spread themselves out across the floor of pillows in the fort they had constructed earlier and in this moment, where she is here asleep and has her arm around his waist so she can get in close and rest against him, he realizes how much she trusts him. This woman he has come to know that doesn't share her feelings as easy as he would hope, the woman who is a federal agent and probably something even more intense than that, is snuggled up against him in her sleep and absolutely relaxed.
She has no worry in the world, she knows she is perfectly safe here. In his arms. And that is just how much he realises she trusts him. He's suddenly finding out more and more just how close they were as friends. If what they are doing right now has happened more than just this one time, then yeah, they are very good friends. And he likes that.
He will admit that he knows he is starting to get feelings for this woman, he can feel them deep in his bones when he's with her. And right now in this moment he is on overload when it came to the light feeling in his chest. In his heart.
He doesn't know what it is that makes her stir, it must have been him moving, even if he had only moved the smallest fraction. There was something about her, the way she picked up on things and sensed things so quickly. He knows she's an agent but he wonders if there is more to that than she has told him. He feels like there is, he will ask one day, but not today. Not on Christmas Day.
He doesn't move from his position beneath her, he doesn't hide the truth of how they fell asleep the night before. He's not going to avoid it, even if it could make things awkward. He doesn't really know if it will or not, he guesses he will just find out.
Her hand around his waist makes a fist around his shirt as she stirs and as soon as she realizes that's not her bed sheets she is holding onto and she lifts her head and looks down at him. And he is smiling up at her.
"Good morning" he says and she cannot help but smile back. She wonders how long he has been awake for. One thing she doesn't wonder is how they ended up in the position they are in, because she fully well knew how. She does wonder how he feels about it though, because this will seem new to him. He doesn't remember doing anything like this with her before.
"That it is" she replies and her smile grows. He may not remember but it seems as though he is still not bothered by sharing her personal space. Her hand on his waist moves slowly up his chest to cover where his heart is.
"Thank you" she says quietly while she stares down at him. They were getting personal again, and yeah he actually really liked it when they did that.
"What for?" he asks, because he's not too sure exactly what he has done for her to be thanking him, but it seems as though whatever it is that he has done was a good thing. If the way she is looking at him right now was anything to go by.
"For not giving up on me" she said and he felt the way her fingers drew small circles on his chest "If you had not of come back to me I am not sure what I would have done" she explained. He saw the slight hurt ghost across her eyes as she thought about just how it would be without him, and she could not bring herself to ever want him gone ever again. It would just be too hard. He is too important to her for that.
He lifted his hand up and covered the one she had over his heart, and he knows his heartbeat is maybe a little faster than it should be right now and that yeah, she could probably feel it, but he wasn't too worried about that.
"I just had this feeling where I realized if I let you go it would have been a big mistake" he admitted to her. And that was a big step for him, for them, admitting something that personal. His heart was starting to beat faster as she stared at him in a way that she did. It didn't unnerve him as such, it had him excited for what she was thinking.
She moved a little and lifted the hand that wasn't on his chest and lightly touched the side of his face before threading it slowly into the side of his hair. He had no idea where this was going, but he would follow it all the way with where she would take it.
"It is something you continue to be very persistent at" she says and she's really smiling at him right now. There is something different about her smile right now, something he hasn't quite seen before in her smile. There is something very personal about it.
"What's that?" he asks, continuing to smile back. He can feel her fingers softly running through his hair and god, it was the best thing he's ever felt. He cannot believe she is touching him like this right now, so intimately, but he's really glad she is. Have they done this often? Touched like this? He wonders.
"Not letting me go" she explains. He's never let her get far, never let her escape him and she was so very glad for that. At the beginning she had become very annoyed with his persistence but after a while she realized she couldn't really live without him being around either and so she is so very grateful for every time he never let her go.
He watched her and he saw it when her eyes flickered down to look at his mouth, and he knew exactly what she was thinking about in that moment. She was thinking about kissing him. He could read it so clearly on her face, and it makes him wonder some more, other than that one time they slept together, how often have they kissed each other?
Then she was leaning closer to him and he wasn't going to back out of this at all when she brought her lips down to meet his. By now his heart was racing a mile a minute. This felt so much better than he had imagined because yeah, he had imagined this with her. It was just something about her. And the way she kissed, god it took his breath away. It just felt so right, nothing had ever felt so right to him before. No wonder they had slept together if this is what kissing her felt like.
He brought his hand out to grip onto her waist and he pulled her even closer to him as he responded in kind by kissing her with everything he had. He couldn't get enough of her right in this moment, she was a very good kisser, very good indeed. She wasn't very hesitant in her kiss either, like she knew exactly how to kiss him and she didn't regret the move she made on him. Something was definitely changing in the relationship between them he could feel it deep down inside of him.
After a short moment she pulled back slowly and proceeded to smile down at him, her smile even brighter than it had been a moment before. However he was the first one to make a comment.
"My hearts pounding" he admitted, even though he doesn't doubt that she could tell right now. She leaned in closer to him again and her nose touched his softly as she gave him a gentle peck. He was being so honest right now, in admitting something like that and it was quite different than the last time they kissed.
"I can feel it" she smiled as she stayed very close to him, and stared at him softly with a particularly affectionate look in her eyes. He was running his hand slowly up and down her side as she threaded her fingers between his.
And when she looked down at his mouth again he wondered if she was going to kiss him again. She doesn't know why she is doing this, she really, really shouldn't be right now, especially considering his situation, but she couldn't help it. And he didn't seem to mind all that much, not with that smile on his face right now she doesn't think he has any problem with this.
"I don't really know what to say" he states, because that's the honest truth. Yeah, he surely enjoyed that kiss, but he wasn't sure where it had exactly come from. She realized that, he may not be used to her, to them. Because he doesn't know how they work exactly. It made her think a little more, if this was the old him, would she still have kissed him? Would he have let her with the knowledge of how hard it has been between them because of the last time they decided just to go along with the lust they had for each other?
"I am sorry" she suddenly says, however not pulling away from him. She didn't have enough heart in her to pull away. She was addicted to him far too much to do that right now.
"You don't need to apologize" he tells her as he lifts his hand and brushes her hair back from where it had fallen around her face. There was a slight frown on his face, because he didn't quite understand why she was trying to apologize. She leant back off him a little, but she didn't move too far away, he still had his hands on her.
"You don't understand" she says very lightly, she didn't want to argue with him, not on Christmas. And he decided to take this calmly, because he didn't want to either.
"Yeah I do. I might not remember about things before and all of our past, but with you this all just feels so right" he explains. Because it did, it just felt so right, like his heart was yelling at him to hold onto her and never ever let go. And he trusts his heart more than his head.
"We have so much past Tony-" she began but he decided that like before he was going to fight for her, and so he cut her off.
"Is this hurting our past?" he asks. It's an important question and when she just looks at him he knows she realizes that no, this wasn't hurting their past and in all honesty this wasn't really hurting them. "No. See it's not. Just relax, it's Christmas" he added with a smile, which in turn had her smiling again. She didn't see any harm in their past by their little sudden kiss, but she knows it will do something to their future. What? She wasn't sure. She just knows last time they did something like this it changed their relationship forever.
It's a little hard sometimes with him, because she almost feels like she's in a one sided relationship with him, simply because he doesn't remember the past of their relationship. But she won't for the life of her ever blame him for that, she could never ever think of even wanting to blame him for it. But maybe she just has to do this a little one sided and let the past of what they had grow on him. Because things right now were good, and she just can't say no.
She let out a deep breath and lay back down against him with her head on his shoulder and he brought his arm around her a little more before finding the remote and turning on a Christmas movie. She smiled because he might not remember but somehow deep down he must just remember without even knowing it. Because he still knows things, considering the movie he'd put on is, It's A Wonderful Life.
"I'm not forcing you to go, I just think it will be good for you" Ziva said lightly from the kitchen. Tony was still in their little fort after they had watched a couple Christmas movies, it was already late afternoon and she had brought up the conversation about him maybe coming along to Gibbs' house for the evening.
"I feel like I would just be out of place" he replied as he emerged from the fort and headed to join her in kitchen where she was making some coffee.
"Tony you won't be out of place, they are all people close to you and I know they would all be very happy if you showed up, they would be ecstatic about it" she turned to face him as he came to stand next to her.
"It will be hard-" he began but it was her turn in the day to cut him off and set him on the right tracks.
"Tony, was last night and today so far, hard for you?" she asked. She knows it may be a little, but hardly considering how bad it has been for him. He shakes his head, no. "These people care about you just like I do, and there is nothing they will make hard for you. It wasn't that hard when you saw Abby the other day was it?" she went on to ask. For a second he wondered how she knew about that because he hadn't exactly told anyone. But then again, he knows she and Abby are good friends, they must talk.
"No, it was alright" he admitted. Why he kept trying to jump away from this situation she doesn't quite know. Maybe he's nervous, he doesn't want to make things bad between him and any of the people close to him. But she knows with all her heart that this will be very good for him. She just needs to convince him to attend.
"I don't even have gifts for them" he said, she knew he was grasping at the last straws to reasons why he shouldn't go, because she continued to convince him that it was going to be good. And he was starting to believe her.
She reached out and placed a hand on his chest.
"Tony, they do not care for gifts, you being there is a big enough gift for each of them, trust me, it was for me" she said and that comment had made him smile. Yeah, she knows he's going to come now she can just read it on his face. She had successfully convinced him.
"Okay" he said. He couldn't help but go, especially with her convincing him with that comment. Her hand on his chest tapped lightly.
"Good" she smiled up at him as she dropped her hand from his chest. She will make it her mission tonight to make it the best time he could ever imagine.
"Is there a particular dress code for this event?" he asked as she turned to the coffee pot to pour their drinks.
"Well it tends to be a very nicely dressed evening" she stated as she handed him his mug.
"So do you suggest I wear a suit?" he asked. He hasn't worn one since his accident and it makes her a little excited. She loves his casual clothes but he always did look very handsome in a suit, and it's been far too long since she's seen him in one.
"You usually wear one, but it is up to you" she replies as they head back into the lounge and into the fort, where they had the end of the last movie to watch before they will have to get ready for Gibbs'.
"Are you wearing a dress?" he asked, she also didn't miss the way he gave her a quick once over and picturing the dress she might wear.
"Yes" she smiled across at him as he scooted close to her while he pressed play on the remote.
"Well I think I might just have to wear one of the many hidden in my wardrobe to fit in if you are wearing a nice dress" he smiled back. And she looked at him for a moment, because he still had his stubble. He had yet to shave it off like it used to be since his accident, and she didn't think she has ever seen him in a suit with a bit of stubble. And honestly, she was excited to see the very handsome sight that it will make later tonight.
So far at Gibbs' house it had all been okay, so far Tony was doing alright and he seemed to be comfortable with everyone around him.
No one can see her standing by the doorway but she's watching them all from where she stands at the edge of the kitchen while they all happily sit around in the lounge. Like every time Gibbs has any sort of gathering at his place he'd managed to find other seating and filled his lounge with it. They even had another extra this year, Kyle.
When Ziva had seen Tony for the first time when she picked him up to bring him with her to Gibbs' it actually had made her heart skip a beat. It hasn't been too long but long enough for her to miss him in a sharply dressed suit. Mixed with that stubble still there, she had to say that he looked mighty fine tonight. He never seemed to disappoint her when it came to how he looked. He had very, very good genes. But she's not surprised with his beautiful mother and handsome father.
And it had made her light up in a smile when he had complimented on the dress she wore. Because yeah, she liked it when he complimented her like that, she always had.
She watches him smile as he talks to McGee about something, the two of them seem to be getting along quite well so far tonight and she likes that, because she knows they were close before his accident. Sure they might not have hung out every weekend but they had a very close bond that they had formed over the years and she would hate to see that be lost between them.
When they had given the presents out just after dinner Tony had been feeling a little uneasy about it all, because he didn't exactly have anything for anyone and they were all giving and receiving. He felt extra guilty when people and given him things and yet he had nothing to return to them. However as much as Ziva and anyone else stressed that it was okay that he didn't have anything, that him being there was enough, he wouldn't get over it. But the rest of the night has gone okay after that and it seemed as though he'd moved on, so that was a plus. Even though deep down she knew he probably hasn't got over it.
She didn't realise that Gibbs had come up behind her until he said her name, she was that lost in her thoughts. Sometimes she thinks she's beginning to lose her edge a little bit, but only a little.
"I am glad you convinced him to come along" Gibbs said as he came to stand behind her. She turned back and looked at him, giving him a light smile.
"It wouldn't be right without him here" she replied, because in all truths, it wouldn't. He was part of their family and she so badly wants him to be able to feel that feeling of belonging again. Because she knows it's something he cherishes. Being able to belong somewhere, somewhere where it just feels right, no matter if you are related by blood or not. Family isn't always determined by DNA.
"You are right, it wouldn't" Gibbs agreed "How has he been recently?" he went on to ask. This time Ziva took her gaze away from the man in question and turned to focus on the conversation with Gibbs.
"He has been a lot better. Have you not talked to him much?" Ziva asked. She hasn't right out asked Tony if he visits the others much and maybe she really should. Because by the look on Gibbs' face right now it doesn't seem like he sees Tony very much.
"I haven't talked to him in quite a while. I know he went and saw Abby the other day, other than that I don't think he goes and sees anyone else much" Gibbs explained. She knows that he's leaving out the fact Tony sees her a lot, but he doesn't have to say it for her to know. And he seems to just silently understand that there is an understandable reason why he sees Ziva more. Because there's just something there, there always had been. Memory loss or not he still has that strong bond with Ziva.
"He has improved a lot, it's not always noticeable but deep down I know he is better. He hasn't really remembered anything but emotionally he's okay when it comes to more personal things now, he's finding it a little easier to move on from his accident and trust more" she explained. He wasn't sure what he was going to get out of her when he asked, but this was surprisingly more than he thought. And this was good to hear. Any sort of progress was good to hear about.
When she says trust more, he knows she means he trusts her more. Because he hasn't really seen anyone else enough. In saying that, all he heard from Abby about the day she spent with him was all positive and good, so that had been a very good sign. In all honesty he misses his Senior Field Agent more than he thought he would, and not just in a work capacity.
"Do you think he's going to ever remember?" he asked, and he wonders if she can hear the strong amount of hope in his tone of voice. Because god, he hopes to the high heavens that Tony will one day remember. It's just not the same as it used to be. Sure Tony's here right now and he's still Tony, he's just, different. He's not the exact same man he used to be, Gibbs can just see it so obviously when he watches the man talk to his friends. He's so much more open, so much more emotional then he used to be. He's just not quite the same man he used to be.
Gibbs doesn't really like the look on Ziva's face right now, not with the look she is giving him.
"Every day all I hope for is for him to remember Gibbs, but at this point how long it has been and how little he has remembered, I really honestly don't think he ever will" she replied, her voice hardly above a whisper as she said it. He can hear it in her voice, how much she didn't like her own answer, how much it rips her heart out to think such things. Because it's just not the same, there's a reason why Agent Carter was not invited tonight.
Gibbs feels for Ziva, because no matter how hard it is for him to struggle with this whole Tony thing he knows she has it the worst. He won't deny how close his two agents were, he knows exactly how close they were. It's why he knows how hard this is for her. But lately in this last week or two she's been good, so maybe things between her and Tony have been okay with everything, that they have been taking this in their stride. Only god knows how that is working, because Gibbs knows it must be a struggle.
Gibbs reaches out and places his hand on Ziva's shoulder and she smiles at him softly, she understands his gesture.
"He is here and that is the best things we can ask for" Gibbs says. She nods and agrees with him, because he survived and he's alive with them and relatively well. And that's far better than him not being here at all.
"And for now he's happy" she said as she looked over at him smiling and talking to his friends, his family. She placed her hand on Gibbs' and gave it a little squeeze, because she is with him on his, they are both happy to still have Tony.
They still have all of their family, and that's the miracle they wish for every Christmas.
I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts!
I will update this again in the next week or two before I go out on operation for a month where I will have no computer at all!
Hundan.