Thank you all so much for your reviews on the last chapter, they really helped me with this chapter! Here's one a little bit longer for you all!
They hadn't really talked about the kiss they shared on Christmas morning, and they hadn't really advanced from it at all either, they really just stayed the same. Ziva was happy and Tony was happy, and that's all that really mattered. Things had stayed very good between the two of them in the last couple weeks and as far as they were concerned that was progress.
Tony still hadn't remembered anything more and he was starting to get a little nervous about that fact, especially considering he had a psych evaluation at work this week and a meeting with Vance. He really wasn't looking forward to that.
Ziva had been spending a lot more time with Tony in the past few weeks, because he wasn't afraid of spending time with her anymore, he wasn't afraid the past that they had. Because right now the past was the past, and that was what he liked to think about it. She still felt a little guilty about it because she did remember the past and she knows exactly how they were, before this all. But she's too afraid to tell him that, because she doesn't want to lose him.
And right now, she likes were they are at. Because for the first time in all the years they have known each other he is finally so honest with her, he doesn't hold back his feelings one bit. Sure he was getting close to letting her in, but nothing like with how easily open he is right now. And she sort of likes it, really likes it. Because it's easier for her to be honest with him and that just makes their entire relationship so much more easier than it used to be.
She realizes now just how much they kept secret from each other. Their true feelings.
She knew it was there deep down at one point in the past, that was obvious with how hard it was for them after they slept together. Because honestly, she's still not over that moment to this day, that's exactly how hard it was to get over.
If she's being honest she wants more with him, and right now she knows it could easily go somewhere, she can just feel the way he thinks. And yeah she would love to jump on that chance quicker than anything but she doesn't think she can, simply because he doesn't remember their past, and it doesn't seem right. She feels like she's taking advantage of his situation. And no matter how much she really wants that, she doesn't think she can do it. It's just not right.
Her phone starts to ring on her desk and Carter looks up at her when it does. She's beginning to get used to him doing it, he seems to train his eyes on her a lot. Tony used to do it too but it was so different when Tony did it, when Carter does it, it's just strange. It doesn't feel right. But she just tries to ignore it, because she has a feeling Carter is going to be sitting at Tony's desk for a while yet, because Tony won't be back to his job until he remembers. And she doesn't see that happening soon. And she doesn't like that fact, not at all.
She picks up her phone and she smiles when she sees the caller ID.
Tony.
Gibbs is nowhere to be seen and they are only doing paperwork so she stands from her desk and walks over to the window away from the bullpen to have her phone conversation in private. Both McGee and Carter watch her as she does.
"Hello" she says quietly with a smile when she answers the phone.
"Hey, sorry if I'm interrupting work" he says and yeah, she can hear a smile in his voice too. He seems to love to smile as of lately.
"No, it is fine, we are not doing much" she explains honestly. Because today had been a very slow day of paperwork and nothing could be worse than one of these days, especially without Tony there to keep her sane.
"That's good then I guess, so you will be home tonight at a reasonable hour?" he asked. He knows how on and off her job can be when it comes to finishing at a reasonable hour or not. He's starting to come to learn all the things he used to know.
"Yes, I am pretty sure I shall be home at a very reasonable time tonight" she smiled, it sounds as though he has something planned, he would like to do something with her tonight. And she very much likes the sound of that.
"Good, so I guess that means you can have dinner with me this evening then?" he asked. And she could almost hear the ring of charm in his tone and a bigger goddamn smile on his face. She didn't know exactly what he had planned but she was excited, and she couldn't really say no.
Its times like these that she has her old Tony back, except that now he was more honest. More obvious when it comes to his feelings for her. She's not sure if the feelings he is showing now have grown since his accident or deep down he remembers his feelings for her and he just doesn't know it yet. Whatever it is she likes it, even if she feels a little guilty because he's not the same person exactly and it almost feels like she is cheating on her old Tony with this new Tony. But is it really a different person? No, she thinks not. So she's okay with it, for now.
"I would like that, yes" she smiles. And this isn't just a normal smile, this was that sort of smile that a lover could bring out of you. One that shows how happy your heart is in that moment. Tony's not her lover but she always wishes that maybe someday that could change. He is the one who truly holds her heart and he has for the last couple of years.
"What time do you think you will finish?" he asks, because if he's going to make her something he wants it to be ready as soon as she walks in the door from work.
"Most likely about five, since its slow today" she explains. She's so intrigued to what he has planned, because she's never really had a surprise dinner from him like this, not one that sounds so much like an invite to a date.
"Great, just come over to mine after you finish and it shall be ready and waiting for you" he charms a little more. She's had a lot of charm from him before, but never so honest. He's honestly being charming to her and not just in a playful way. That had her heart skipping along a little faster and her smile glowing. That and the fact it seems as though he will be the one cooking this dinner makes her even more excited for this evening.
"I cannot wait. I will see you then" she smiled and then he returned her goodbye before hanging up the phone. For a minute she just stood by the windows and stared out into the day, a big smile on her face. She knows his accident makes things harder than anything and she really struggles with it, but lately she likes this part of it. The part of it that makes him share his feelings for her so honestly, he doesn't hide his heart from her as much as he used to.
She's conflicted sometimes between letting herself go along with him on everything or keeping away because it's a dangerous territory to be entering with him when he's this honest. She almost feels like she's taking advantage of him for some reason but then she realizes he's a man who makes his own decisions and he's still Tony, so she shouldn't feel guilty.
That and she just cannot let him go when he opens up to her, because she's wanted this side from him so much in that past few years. And now that she's had a taste she knows it's exactly what she wants and that she was right to want it so much from him over the years. Because she has feelings for him and if she said she didn't she would be lying. Not that she would admit that fact to anyone though.
She returns to her desk after the phone call and she knows both of the boys are watching her, staring at her suddenly very happy mood. Carter probably won't exactly understand who she was talking to that made her smile like she is now but Tim knows very well who it was. She can see it on his face as she lifts her gaze to look over at her friend.
He smiles back at her when she does and she's not exactly sure why, maybe her happy mood spreads to him because smiles are infectious, maybe he just likes the fact that Tony still makes her happy like he used to.
This week she has started to realize that Carter is growing on everyone at work, including herself. And she doesn't like it. He's not a bad guy, he's actually a really nice guy, but the fact is that to her it feels like they are coming to a point where they have a comfortable team without Tony in it, and she really doesn't like the thought of that. It actually makes her a little upset to think about, so she tries not to think about it.
It doesn't help her worry that Tony still doesn't remember.
Carter isn't scared of talking to her now either, she could tell that he used to avoid it as much as he could when she'd snapped at him one too many times in the beginning but now that he's more comfortable in this team he does it more often. He still has the wits about him still not to touch Tony's things in his desk though, no matter how comfortable he may be. Carter is actually a really good agent and if this wasn't Tony's position in the team they were talking about she would say he was the man for the job.
But no one but Tony was the man for this job position.
In her eyes Carter was a great agent that could be in a very good team permanently, just not their team. Their team didn't want anyone permanent to stay.
She didn't realize how much she'd slowed down on her work and gone off in her thoughts until Gibbs walked into the bullpen, with a much too familiar stride in his step, and that stride wasn't the one that meant go home, it's the one that meant there was a new case. She wasn't the only one who knew his step far too well.
"Boss we got a case?" Tim asked. The simple nod from their boss was enough to tell them all that yes, they had a case.
"Grab your gear, this needs to be kept under wraps so we need to move as quickly as we can" Gibbs instructed and they all grabbed their things and ran to the elevator. Normally Gibbs would only say a few simple words when a new case came up, and so with him announcing it was this urgent, something must be going on that was a lot more serious than they all really knew.
Tony was excited to see Ziva tonight, more than anything else. Because she made him feel easier and took his mind off things, like his meeting with Vance and the psychologist at NCIS later this week. Something he was not looking forward to, because he knew he wasn't going to do very well, simply because he still didn't remember anything.
Inside he was stressing about it, even if on the outside he seemed okay. He'd talked to Sam about it a couple of times, stressed how worried he was about it. Sam assured him that it was going to be fine and that there was nothing seriously bad that will come out of it. Sam said he reckons they will just set up another meeting with him in a few months' time to see how he is going and then go from there. All Tony could think about was the worst possibilities.
He has wanted to talk to Ziva about it too, but he's not too sure how to approach her with it. Because he knows she misses him at work, she told him that last week. That it wasn't the same without him there. And that cut him deep because he so badly wants to be back where he belongs. He's come to realise that that is where he belongs and it's his purpose in life, and right now he has no purpose in life because he cannot do what he on this earth to do. Because he doesn't remember.
He was going to bring it up tonight, but he will see how the evening goes. Because if the mood of the night isn't worth ruining with talk of work, he won't bring it up.
The night goes on and he makes a really nice dinner, she should be finishing work soon. He's set up the table in his dining room and made it all nice. He even set up a couple candles and got out some wine. This wasn't a date per say but what's the harm in treating a woman with something nice? Especially a woman that deserves to be treated right.
The clock rolls on and the dinner is ready but she has yet to turn up. It's almost five so surely she must be here soon. He ends up texting her once, then twice when he doesn't get an answer for half an hour. Then he tries calling her but no one picks up the other end. He waits because he's sure she will turn up soon, but by the time it gets to eight he has some of the dinner by himself and leaves. Because he's upset now.
Things in his head aren't stable right now because he's worried enough about this thing at work, he doesn't need to worry about her or be upset when she stands him up like this. He finds that when he gets real upset, it's just horrible. His feelings like to play punching bag with his heart and his mind when he gets stressed, and he cannot seem to make it stop when he lets his thoughts roll and roll.
With everything that's going on right now he needs her, and she's not here.
The whole time Ziva is at the crime scene she finds it so hard to concentrate. She left her phone on her desk and when they get to the forest with the dead marine there is no longer any cell service, so her plan to borrow Tim's phone had gone down the drain. And she knows Tony will be waiting for her, no heads up that she will be late and she feels the most guilty she has ever felt. She doesn't know how he's going to react to this, she hopes it won't be bad because by the time they are heading back to the navy yard it's almost eleven.
She rides back with Tim and when she asks to borrow his phone he lets her, he's noticed she has been rather stressed since they got to the crime scene.
"Are you alright?" he asks quietly as he watches her dial a number on his phone. She nods but he's not fully convinced.
"I was meant to meet Tony for dinner five hours ago" she explains and her voice gives her away, because she sounds worried. When he doesn't pick up the phone when she calls he hears her swear in her native tongue. She's stressed, he can feel it.
"He'll understand though, right?" Tim asked. Surely Tony would forgive her for it, she was rushed out at work with not much time on her hands, he should be understanding.
"He'll understand eventually, but that's not what I am worried about" she explains. He's not too sure what she is worried about because he cannot think of anything else that would make her as worried as she is. She seems to see this and she doesn't stop before explaining. "He's got his meeting with Vance and Dr Wolf this week and he's really stressed about it. He doesn't say much but I know he is, and I have a feeling that me not showing up will make him upset with everything else he's got bothering him. He's a lot more fragile than he used to be" she explained. That's one thing bad about this new Tony, he wasn't as tough emotionally as he used to be, and she has to look out for the signs. Because it's easier to break him now. She wonders if this was what he was like as a child and he learned to develop the hard emotional wall he had as he grew older.
Tim stays quiet because he's not too sure what to say, because Ziva seems very worried about what Tony might do. Ziva wishes she could explain more, but she doesn't want him to know about what happened last time he had a breakdown.
"Gibbs will let you go" Tim says, because he will, as soon as he sees Ziva like this he will realize just how important it is to her. And if it's about her making sure Tony is alright, he will definitely let her go.
"I hope so" she replies quietly as she puts his phone down after trying to call Tony again, no luck again. Tim is worried because he sees how worried Ziva seems to be about this and it doesn't look good.
They ended up having to play politics with the CIA to get jurisdiction on this case so they couldn't do anything as of yet except for trying to find computer leads and phone information on the dead marine. Ziva had yet to ask Gibbs in the half an hour they had been back, because simply she didn't know how to approach the conversation with him.
Little did she know Tim had said something to Gibbs and now Gibbs had been watching her closely, and yeah he noticed something was up, he'd seen it there since they had been at the crime scene. She was confused when he told her to follow him and he led her to his office, the elevator. And when he did she just knew he knew something was up. He stopped the elevator with the emergency switch and he turned to her and stared at her for a brief moment before speaking up.
"What's up Ziver?" he asked, he was concerned. She let out a little sigh.
"I'm worried about Tony and he's not answering his phone" she said, she didn't want to go into great detail because Gibbs didn't need to know that stuff, he always just understood. However she wasn't expecting the reply he gave her.
"I can spare you for two hours while we play politics with the CIA" was his answer. He didn't need to know anymore, and he doesn't really want to hear the details. Because he knows she is getting too close to Tony. But he's not going to stop it, because it's helping to heal his boy.
"Are you sure?" because she felt guilty leaving when they need her help, she always would. But she's too worried to not go find him.
"Yeah, we can't do much until Vance sorts it out, just find him and fix it" Gibbs said. She nodded in reply and thanked him before he switched the elevator back on and they both returned to the bullpen. Tim and Carter watched confused as she gathered her things and left. Tim didn't need to be told what was going on, because he just knows.
"Where's Ziva going boss?" Carter asked. Because sometimes he doesn't get why the tough marine goes easy on Ziva and lets her come and go when she needs to sometimes. Maybe he's just not really part of the team yet, because he doesn't understand it sometimes. He knows he's not part of the strange family bond this team has going on, and he knows he will most likely never be part of it or truly understand it.
Gibbs gave Carter one look and that was enough of an answer.
"Right boss, getting back to work" Carter said as he put his head down and got back into going through the dead marines bank account details.
He's still not answering his phone when she gets to his apartment and he doesn't answer the door when she knocks, so she lets herself in. He doesn't answer when she calls his name either. She walks into the apartment and looks around, what she finds breaks her heart.
There are dishes in the sink from the meal Tony had made, and there's half of the dinner sitting cold in the oven. Her half of the dinner. She can tell by looking at his kitchen how much he put into this dinner just for her. She walks into the dining room and his table is set for two, he's even got his nice plates out for the occasion. And the two candles in the middle of the table have melted right down into nothing. That's how long he waited for her to show up and she never did.
She walks through the rest of his apartment and she doesn't find him anywhere. He's gone and she's not sure where. This was not happening again. She lets out a deep sigh as she sits down on the edge of his bed, she runs her hands through her hair because she is frustrated with herself. She did not just let this happen again. Just when they got so close she's most likely pushed him away into the dark again. She knows he's going to be upset with her, maybe even angry with her.
That's when she hears the lock on his front door turn then opens and someone walked in. She can tell his step just by listening, she knows it is him. She gets up and stands in the doorway and he's coming down the hallway, he stops in his tracks and looks up at her. This is the moment when she realises this is the first time since his accident when he has come home from drinking his sorrows away with a bottle at the bar. He didn't even have any alcohol at the Christmas party, he doesn't drink like he used to. But maybe now he does again.
She doesn't like what she sees.
He's still wearing a nice dress shirt and jeans, because he'd dressed up for her, and he was even clean shaven. This is the first time he has been clean shaven since he woke up and he shaved for a reason. She doesn't like looking at him when he stares at her like this, with pain in his eyes. God, she is having so many flashbacks to the bad times in the past when she fought with him.
"Tony" she begins but he just shakes his head at her and she stops. She doesn't know where this is going to go but she's concerned.
"I spent all afternoon doing this for you and then you go and stand me up with no notice or anything" was his statement, and yeah he's angry.
"I tried-" she was attempting to explain but when he cut her off she knew he wasn't interested in the reason, he was too upset at this point for that.
"I need you more than ever now and you weren't here" he said, looking up at her with sad eyes. She can almost feel the pain in his heart right in this moment. "I don't know what to do with myself and I still don't remember anything and I have my meeting at work in two days and you are the only thing keeping me sane, but then you don't turn up tonight and I'm left with no one. How do you think I feel right now Ziva?" he gets out, pointing an accusing finger in her direction. He's upset that she wasn't there, she'd let him down when he needed her most.
"You promised me we would not do this again" she said, closing her eyes because now she's really upset. She hates fighting with him.
"We promise according to our hopes, and maybe I just hoped for the wrong things with you" he replied with and that one cut her deep. She realises just how much she had upset him now.
"Don't say that, I wish you would just understand" she said quietly. They were fighting again and maybe she had too much hope to believe that they wouldn't. "What happened? What happened to these past few weeks? Has this meant nothing to you and you will throw it all away over this?" she asked him as she looked up at him, this time picking up her tone of voice.
"You want to know what happened to me? You. You happened to me" his voice was raised and it was angry in its statement. "I rely on you too much and when I can't have you with me when I need you most it does this to me, it breaks me down and tears me apart and I don't know if that's a good thing" in his anger he was being so blatantly honest it was like a slap to the face.
"You are a little broken Tony but you are not weak, you can stand on your two feet without me because I know you are that strong, stop doubting yourself goddammit!" she challenges him because she knows he has it in him to move forward without her. He's still the man he used to be deep down and he is one hell of a strong hearted man. He just needs to realise it. And at that comment she got him, he went silent.
"Every time we do this, every time we have ever fought I always tell myself that I'm done trying so hard to get you back, but really I know that I'll never stop because I care about you too much to give up. And right now you need to realise how strong you are and that you can do this on your own if you really need to, I don't need to hold your hand and you know it, you just need to dig deep in that heart of yours and realise your potential Tony" she said because for him to do this, to get better, he needs to be that strong and smart man that he used to be. No matter how much she loves him being so open and honest to her, he needs to be the man he used to so he can get through this and she is only just realising that now.
"I don't know how to not rely on you" he said, this time his voice was quiet and his anger was all but disappearing now. Because he realises she is right about this. She knows him better than himself.
"You need to put a barrier between your heart and your head, it's the only way we work" she admitted. She cannot believe she is telling him this because it's so honest of her to admit something like this. That statement has been the only way she has been able to stay stable over the years when it comes to him, and she knows he's much the same. He just needs to build that wall again between his mind and his heart, no matter how much it kills her to tell him to do it.
He looks away from her because he knows what it means. He needs to not let his heart do the talking and rely on his broken mind when all he has been doing since his accident has been trusting his heart. But things need to change and he needs to move forward if he ever wants to get better.
When he looks back and nods at her she knows he's decided to listen to her, to take her advice and do what needs to be done. She doesn't know exactly where it will leave their relationship but that's something she will have to take on the chin, because it's all for the better if it makes him heal faster or at all.
He steps towards her then and she doesn't know what is about to happen because there's this look in his eyes and he's staring at her. But when he brings out his arms and pulls her into his chest, holding her close she cannot help but hold onto him in return. She knows this hug means she is forgiven for standing him up earlier and she knows why he forgives her. It's the exact same reason why she always ends up forgiving him for the same reason.
Sometimes you only forgive someone because you can't stand not having them in your life.
"I know you can do this Tony, you just need to let me go" she said as she pulls him tighter to her. And he knows exactly what she means, she means he has to think on his own and not run to her for savoir.
It's just hard because he knows exactly what sort of feelings he has for her and how much after his accident that he has begun to rely on her. Saying this is going to be easy would be a lie.
I bet no one saw that coming!
Anyways I would love to hear your thoughts on where I took this one!
I leave on operation tomorrow so I most likely won't have an update for this for a month considering no computer and internet as I will be busy doing all my army stuff, however I shall return with an update as soon as I get back and hopefully you will all be here still! Sorry for the inconvenience of being away, it just what happens when I'm a solider.
Hundan.