Spencer rocked me back and forth, attempting to comfort me. But what could truly cushion a blow like this? I still had no sense of time passing. I lay brokenly on Spencer's lap, staring at the wall until my eyelids were too battered by tears to remain open any longer. She calmly stroked my hair. A calmness that drastically contradicted the worry I saw in her eyes. One of the few momentary distractions I was able to enjoy before my thoughts pulled me back below the surface, drowning me in my own emotions. I sank deeper and deeper. I didn't sleep this time, though I probably looked like I was sleeping. I merely tried to distract myself by listening to the rythmic pounding of Spencer's heart. I noted a distinct difference between her heartbeat and my own. While hers was steady and strong, mine was quiet and, from what I could tell, irregular. Maybe my heart truly had broken this time. After everything that had transpired between Ezra and myself, I never would have thought that he was in fact, my anonymous tormentor. Had he tricked me? Was he really that good? I might always ask myself that, but I wasn't sure if I wanted the answer.
Before I was aware of having made the decision to move, my body had already taken me to the door, my hand turning the knob as if by its own conscious decision, my legs quickly following suit, to propel me down the hallway. Away from the place that held so many sweet memories. All the Saturdays I'd spent there. All the black and white movies. But most of all, this was where I had given Ezra something I could never get back. And he had taken it, but had he truly felt the way I did? 'No' I mentally chastised myself, shaking my head to clear it. I had to stop asking questions that I didn't truly want answers for.
I heard Spencer calling after me, but my legs were still taking me away. She caught up with me as I escaped through the front door, grabbing my arm and spinning me around to face her, "Aria, what happened?" Spencer cried quietly. Her eyes spoke volumes and that same concern she so often displayed was scrawled obviously across her face. I struggled to create even the smallest sound, "I... I can't...I ju.. I." My vision blurred, tears threatening once more to wash over my already damp cheeks. Spencer pulled me into a tight hug , " It's going to be okay. I'm here for you. You'll get through this." I shook my head as it rested in the curvature of her collarbone, a silent denial of her attempt at comfort.
She pulled back to look at me, I'm not sure what she saw written on my face, but whatever it was it must have truly terrified her. Her features shifted, a neutral expression slipping into place to hide her thoughts from me. She lead me to her car, and when she spoke, it was slow and deliberate as if she were talking to a child. She closed the car door for me as if I were as incapable of this task as an infant. We drove in comfortable silence, both too consumed with our own thoughts to pay much mind to one another. Arriving at her house, I quickly pushed my door open before she could do it for me. I sauntered dejectedly to the couch. Sitting there I noticed that the pain had begun receding, leaving in its wake, a hollowness in the very middle of my being. I laid on my side, trying to calm my throbbing mind. I could hear Spencer searching through drawers and cabinets in the kitchen, I noted the familiar muted, metallic clinging of a full tea kettle being placed on the stove.
Spencer sat down beside me, I could feel her eyes on me as I sat up, curling my feet under my body.
"What do I need to do?" She whispered in desperation. I shook my head, exhaling sharply, "There's nothing anyone can do." I replied, finally finding the strength to speak. She seemed to be mulling this over, finally she turned to me ,"I'm assuming this has to do with... With Ezra?" She asked hesitantly
My mouth opened wordlessly. Staring desolately at the floor I gave a slight nod.
I saw Spencer wet her lips to speak in my peripheral, knowing exactly what she was about to ask, "What happened at Ezra's?"
Taking a deep albeit shaky breath I began trying to articulate a response, "Ezra is..." I chocked on the last letter, the one that had been the source of all my problems for years now. I set my shoulders, sitting up straighter, "Ezra is A." I proclaimed plainly.
She raised a questioning brow, "What?" Her eyes seemed to beg for a better explanation, but I couldn't. I could hardly believe I had had the strength to utter that single impossible sentence.
I swallowed hard, "Please don't make me say it again." I whispered, my strong façade was quickly crumbling into ruins and I didn't want to continue this line of questioning. The fact of the matter was that Ezra, the man that I loved so strongly was actually my anonymous tormentor.
She placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, her thumb tracing small soothing circles. I heard the kettle begin to whistle, calling Spencer away. And further muddling my tumultuous thoughts... Until I heard Spencer speaking in worried tones. At the mention of my name I stood up. "Spencer. Who are you talking to?" I asked, venom dripping into my tone. She looked up from her whispered conversation, "It's just Emily." I tried to calm down, but my heart was racing and I could barely breath. I again felt like a caged animal, claustrophobia starting to set in. Spencer again advanced towards me hesitantly, suddenly I was out the door. But I wasn't sure where I was going and unlike last time, Spencer never caught up.