Wrote this as fast as I could in between life and work. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to all the comments on the last chapter, sorry if I don't manage to reply to you, I try to reply to as much reviews as I can when I get time.
Oh and there's like one swear word in this, so warning for that.
Hundan.
Two days later and he still couldn't decide on his own. He'd been pacing his apartment and trying to figure out what ways he could go about this that would be best for him and his future, but he's just not sure. He doesn't know what life to decide on and he's now at the point where he needs to go see her. Because she is his last option.
This is what leads him to her apartment, hesitating outside the door. He cannot hesitate any longer and so he knocks.
And then he waits.
He hears her footsteps inside the apartment. He's a little nervous, he hasn't talked to her in a few weeks, he's only seen her briefly when he walked to the Directors office at NCIS. And now here he is, at her door about to break the deal that he made with her, the one where he's meant to do this without her. But he's found out, he cannot fully do it alone, he still needs her help.
The footsteps stop and then the door swings open.
When she sees him she's quiet, he guesses she doesn't really know what to say because neither does he. It's been too long.
"Hey" he says quietly, because he's just a little speechless. The amount of time that he spent pacing his apartment trying to decide what to do, he'd not thought once about how he was going to approach this conversation with her.
She has no idea why he is here or what is going on, but it might have something to do with his meeting with Vance the other day, it just took him a little while to come see her. And she knows why, because he made her a deal and he is probably breaking that deal right now it just took him a few days to make the move. Did she ever think that he would stay true to his promise? She knew he would break it sooner or later, because it's him. And he can never stay away from her long enough.
New Tony or old Tony, it's always been the same.
"Do you want to come in?" she asked. She should really say no to him when he falls back to her like this when he shouldn't, but she can really never say no to him. Even if she has her ups and downs with him, she'll always care about him too much.
"Yeah, thanks" he says as she moves aside for him and he quietly walks in. He doesn't know if they should sit down and start talking or if he should just have at it right this minute and start talking. Eventually after a few seconds he makes a choice.
She's looking at him quietly and so he just goes for it. Because this is his entire move and she's waiting him out.
"I know what I said a few weeks ago about how I have to make decisions on my own…" he began, because this was a bit difficult, explaining that he wants to break the deal he made "But I have realized that when faced with trying to decide my future I just cannot do it without the person that knows me better than myself" he stated and then he watched her carefully. Waiting for her reaction. Right now she was still quiet and staring at him with a certain look in her eyes that he couldn't place, so he really didn't know what to think.
She lets out a long breath and looks away from him for a minute, because yeah he was sort of throwing this all on her now and it's not like it was easy for either of them to let go in the beginning when they made that deal. But it had to be done.
"You cannot keep doing this to me Tony" she said very quietly, avoiding looking at him. He could feel the hurt in her voice right now, the one he put there. He doesn't realize just how much he plays around with her emotions when he changes his mind like this all the time, because this wasn't the first time he's done this now.
"I know, I shouldn't do this to you because I hate how it makes you feel" he explained, because really he did. He's just an idiot and he keeps making the same mistakes. Finally she looked up at him, however he didn't like the hurt look in her eyes. Why did he have to always upset her like this? He's told himself this before but he hates himself for what he does to her sometimes.
"Then why do you do it Tony?" she asked, because she was upset and she wants this to be the last time, no matter how much she loves him she doesn't think she can take much more of this.
"Because I don't realize how important you are until I walk away and realize I fucked up again" he raises his voice a little because he's mad with himself right now, because he needs to stop being so stupid otherwise he's going to lose her. He might already have. When he made the deal with her it didn't mean they couldn't see each other, they just didn't. And maybe they are just drifting apart because it's too much. So maybe he has lost her already, and really it's his own fault.
He can see the tears building in her eyes, the ones he has put there.
"Then stop walking away" she whispers, her pleading him to stop doing it. He looks away from her because he cannot take it, the reason he is here is to figure out if he's going to stay or walk away from his life, so her words hit him hard and he suddenly realizes what one deep down he wanted to do more than the other. He wanted to walk away from it.
He cannot walk away from her again, not when she's looking at him like that.
"I need to walk away from everything, but I don't want to walk away from you" he forces out, because yeah that was hard to say. He's only just realizing what he needs to do in life. He needs to get away, so he can move forward. But he cannot bring himself to leave her again. His heart cannot let her go.
She's even quieter than before, what did he mean? Walking away from everything?
"What are you trying to say?" she asked, and he heard when her voice shook a little. She was worried and she was upset and it was showing. He hated himself right now, seeing her like this crushed him inside. So why does he do it? For what reason?
"I need to do something else with my life, right now I just need to get away" he said. Maybe it will make him remember, if he gets as far away from everything as possible. He knows when Gibbs came over the other night randomly and he tried to talk to him about what he's got on his mind, that Gibbs could see something Tony couldn't. Maybe Gibbs saw this coming.
"Tony" her voice rasped. She was close to breaking.
"I don't know what else to do" he said, and right now he was starting to break too. He didn't know what else to do in life because he doesn't know his life. His life was taken from him and now he just needs to start over again. He just cannot let her go at the same time.
"Don't do this" she gets to the point where a tear escapes her. She doesn't want him to leave but it's what he wants to do. He needs to get away. She doesn't know how she would handle it, two weeks has been hard enough.
"I have to Ziva, but I can't walk away from you" he tells her. Seeing her cry had him wanting to reach out and grab onto her, to never let her go. Right now his heart was breaking and it was all because of his own decisions. A decision that he knows he has to make.
"You cannot leave" she shakes her head. If she really, and really thinks about it she knows getting away could be good for him, it will give him a chance to breathe and think a little more. But she doesn't want him to go because she cannot have him so far away from her. She needs him around her, he's a part of her. He always has been.
"I have to Ziva, I cannot keep living like this. I'm going to go insane. I need to make a life for myself" he said. He wants to take her with him but he knows he can't. She has her career and her life here and he cannot ask her to give it all up for him, just because his life needs a change. He will never make her sacrifice her life for him, no matter how much he loved her.
"You have a life Tony, it's here, with Gibbs and Tim, Ducky and Abby. With me" she explains because he cannot leave that all behind, can he?
"Except for all my friends the only other thing I have left here is pain, and I need to move on from that. I don't want to be like this all my life. Sure on the outside I may look fine but I have far too much going on in my goddamn head and I am about ready to explode. I cannot take this and I need some space to breathe" and now the truth was all coming out of him. He didn't know it was actually in there until now, and maybe she just always brought out the truth in him like this because she was part of him.
She begins to shake her head again, because no, he cannot do this.
"But I cannot leave you. Thinking about moving on without you tears me apart and I just don't think I can do it" he says and he takes a step closer to her. Things need to change in his life but the one thing that has to stay the same is her, because it's not right without her there. "I've been an ass to you and all I do is cause you pain so I have no idea why it is you always forgive me, but I am grateful for it. And no, I don't expect you to forgive me for walking away from my life right now, all I hope for is that you don't forget me. We are going to be apart but it won't stop me from having you in my heart as I try to get through this" maybe if he gets though this, he gets better, then he can return. Then maybe he won't feel as suffocated where he truly belongs with all his friends.
And yeah another tear falls down her cheek at that.
"You will never leave my heart Tony" she says as she looks up at him with wet eyes full with pain and heartache. Because he's doing this and he's not changing his mind. She knew as soon as she figured out she loved this man that he was going to be the most difficult person she would ever love, but she couldn't stop herself from loving him. "And I will always be here waiting for you whenever you come back" she whispered. This was not happening right now, he wasn't going and she wasn't letting him go. But yet, it was.
He nods towards her because he just knows she will always wait for him, because he in turn would always wait for her. This was the point where she crumbled and he opened his arms and embraced her as she fell against him. Right now she needs him to hold her on her two feet because this was all too much weight for her to take in all at once. He's leaving and it's breaking her, because he's her rock, he always had been. But hadn't she been the one that told him that he needs to let her go? God, she needs to think before she speaks more often.
"When are you leaving?" she whispers against his neck. Because even if she doesn't want it to happen he is leaving, and she has to live with it. He pulls her tighter to him and she knows as soon as he does that she's not going to like the answer.
"Maybe tomorrow or the next day" he forces out. He knows it has to be sooner rather than later. The more he stays around her the more he won't want to leave, but he has to leave. He wants to get better and this is how he is going to do it. He just knows it deep in his bones, in his gut that this is what he has to do. No matter how hard it is. He needs to see Vance and do the rounds before he leaves, if he doesn't say goodbye to all his friends before he goes he knows he won't be forgiven.
"That's too soon" she says as her arms curl around him tighter. She cannot let him go, not now. She's at that point in her life where she wants to start a family and she thought she'd already partly got there because she'd found the one she wanted to share that family with. But things happen and life changes. Maybe she will still have to wait for that family, because she cannot love anyone else like she loves him.
"I know" because yeah, even if it is his decision it's too soon for him as well. It just has to be done like this.
That was the point where Ziva leant back and looked up at him, right into his eyes. He could see that she was still very upset because losing him like this wasn't fair, but really in reality is life ever perfect? It's only ever perfect in the movies.
When she looks down at his lips briefly he knows exactly what she is going to do, and to be honest he's not going to pull away from her, in fact he finds himself to be the one leaning closer first because he needs this as much as she does right now. Because if he's leaving her, he wants to take more memories of her that he can, and right now to have more memories with her he needs to make them, because he doesn't remember all that they had in their past.
When her lips touched his he knows right that minute that this was going to be so much harder to walk away from. Why is he doing this? Why is he kissing her right now? He was making things harder for himself, but in the end he knows that not kissing her would be something he would regret. You don't say goodbye to the woman you love without kissing her with all your heart.
Her hands around his back gripped onto the fabric of his shirt, she was not letting him go right now. Not until she was finished with him. If he was going to leave her she was going to have a goodbye from him that she could remember, one that she could hold onto until the day she saw him again. Because she honestly didn't know how long he would be, he could be gone a few months, he could be gone a few years. She just knows she has to make him remember who he belongs to.
Her.
Her lips are soft against his, and he feels like he remembers them that way but he's not too sure how. He never wants this feeling to go away, ever. When he brings his hand up to hold the side of her cheek, to kiss her just right, he can feel the wetness of her skin, the reminisce of her tears. He feels bad about that and he should, but right now he wants to make her love him, not be upset with him. And with the way her lips become more insistent on his he thinks he's doing an okay job so far.
He realises then that she's not going to let him go and he doesn't plan on letting her go until she feels as loved as she is.
The kissing starts to become hungrier and more desperate and when her hands gripping his shirt start to tug a little more than before he's starting to realize exactly where this is heading right now. He knows all it will do is make letting her go harder than it already is, but maybe he's willing to face that pain if he can simply have this night with her, being completely in love.
He pulls away from and stares down at her and she looks right at him. The tears in her eyes have dried up and now her eyes stare at him not in sadness but in love, in want. It has been far too long and all she needs right now is him.
"Ziva, I know I don't remember anything, but I know my heart still remembers you" he said, because he wanted her to know. He knows it's true because he can feel it so deeply in his heart, that familiarity with her. How she just feels right, how she belongs. Just how much he loves her.
"My heart hasn't belonged to anyone else in a long time" was her reply. It was a rather open comment to follow his, he wasn't exactly expecting her to follow with as much openness as him. But she had, and they both pretty much all but admitted their feelings, which was a very big, and difficult step to take right here and right now. Considering he was leaving especially. But it had to be said, it needed to be said.
And the fact his memory was taken from him but his heart still remembered her, that had meant so much to Ziva, much more than Tony would ever know. Because it's just more proof that deep down he's still in there. He may be buried deep, but he's in there, her Agent big D, little I, big N and little Ozzo was still in there.
He watched as she stared at him with complete love. Yes, this woman was so deeply in love with him, he could see it right now and it made his heart in his chest go tight and beat fast. Because somewhere deep down inside of him he knows he loves her right back in the same way, whether he remembers or not how he fell in love with her it doesn't matter, he knows he is.
He doesn't give it one more thought when he pulls her close again and presses his lips back against hers. She kisses him back in return as soon as he does. It wasn't long before the kiss became very heated and hands started to roam, items of clothing started to be lost to the floor in favour of the intimate skin on skin contact it produced.
He doesn't remember the last time this happened and he knows she does, he wonders if it will be any different than the last time, because he's not exactly the same like he used to be.
Their naked and tangled bodies eventually find their place in her bedroom as they fall together in a heated mess onto the mattress, hands and lips taking in every part of skin. Loving each other with a fiery built up passion that had been in waiting for too many years since the last time. And for some reason Tony felt like this was familiar to him, like he knew her body like this. Like he remembered what it felt like to make love to her.
Deep down he knows he does, he can just feel it.
When he wakes the next morning he is so content. She's in his arms and all but melted up against him.
He turns his head to look at the clock. 0500. It's too early to be awake, so why is he? He has no clue, all he knows is right now it's probably better to be awake, so he can have something more to hold onto in his memories of her. Lying in bed with her like this, wrapped up after making love to her the night before. It was a very good memory to hold on to. He didn't plan on ever letting it go.
He has no idea how this morning will go down, last night was just everything upsetting mixed with passion and love. He wonders if when she wakes she'll be mad at him because she doesn't want him to go, or if she'll cry when he tries to leave. He's really not prepared for this because whatever one it is going to be, it will be very hard and painful on his heart.
What if he was to leave now? Before she woke?
No. He cannot do that. She would not forgive him ever for doing that, no matter how easier it would make this morning.
He's leaving and he's not changing his mind about it but he cannot help it when his arms tighten around her because he doesn't really want to let her go. He knows that from the time she wakes up till the moment he leaves all he is going to feel is pain. He has to say goodbye to so many people today and he knows it will drain him. It doesn't help that he has to say goodbye to Ziva first, because it's going to be the hardest.
Making love to her last night was one of the best feelings he could ever imagine, just the way she made his heart flutter and his body reach absolute bliss had him almost breaking. He won't lie, when she closed her eyes and went to sleep he'd let a tear escape. Because yeah this was hard, so hard. But it has to be done.
The thing that got to him the most was the fact that when he let himself go fully with her, as his hands traced all over her skin he couldn't help but feel as though he knew it. He knew how to kiss her, he knew how to touch her, and he knew exactly how to make love to her. And that really gets to him, because he remembers, even if he doesn't exactly remember. It doesn't make any sense to him but he knows it's in there somewhere and he just wishes it would all come back to him already.
This is why he needs to get away, so he can free his mind and maybe, just maybe it will come back to him. It's what he's hoping and praying for anyways.
He decides that no he's not going to leave while she's asleep because she is far too important, she's important enough that maybe if he made her breakfast it would mean just that little bit more to her. Maybe it will just show her that she is very important to her like he says she is. Because he knows how much woman like when their man makes them breakfast. Is that how he is classing himself now? Her man? He doesn't know exactly what they are still, maybe he will never know.
He carefully works his arm from out underneath her and unravels himself as gently as he can, trying not to wake her. He manages to do so and he climbs out of bed, slipping on his boxers. For a minute before he leaves the bedroom he looks down at her, sleeping so contently. He knows he's walking away from her on his own choice, but that doesn't mean it didn't crush him.
Before he walks out of the room he picks up the clothes from the ground and tidy's up a little, because he feels like he should. He walks down the hallway and into the kitchen where he opens up a few cupboard and grabs a few things out, taking care of your woman is important and letting her know that simply by doing little things like making her breakfast can go a long way. And he needs it to, if he's walking out on her like he is.
Then he hears footsteps coming from the hallway.
He turns and looks and Ziva's standing there wrapped up in the bed sheet, looking upset but then a little relieved at the same time.
"You okay?" he asks, because something had made her very distraught. She nods her head slowly, but he's not convinced that she was okay at the moment. But he doesn't blame her, because neither is he. She doesn't say anything so he drops what he is doing and walks around to stand before her at the end of the hallway. Now that he is this close, he can see her teary eyes.
He lifts a hand and brings it to her cheek, to make her look right up at him.
"Ziva, what is it?" he asked, he has a good feeling that it is something to do with him. She shakes her head again.
"It's nothing, it doesn't matter" she says, her voice still a little shaken with emotion. Why would she not tell him?
"You can tell me" he pleads. It must have been a certain look in his eyes or how he said it, but it made her crack and fold.
"I thought you'd left okay, it's nothing" she explains. When she woke up and felt him not there, all she would have thought was that he'd left while she was asleep. And doing that to someone can rightfully crush someone, especially after what happened last night.
He pulls his arms around her tight suddenly and she all but clings to him in return.
"Ziva I wouldn't" he whispers quietly. He couldn't do that to her, he just wouldn't live with himself. He's leaving yes but he doesn't want her to hate him when he does because he left without saying goodbye.
The room goes quiet and they stand there and hug each other close like nothing else in the world mattered, because in this moment, nothing did.
"Please don't go" she pleads. She has no idea what has gotten into her, she never pleads like this and she is never this desperate. Maybe that's because she's never been faced with him leaving her like this, it's always been her leaving him. And now suddenly she realizes how he must have felt when she left all those times. She's the most heartbroken she has ever been.
"Ziva" the way he says her name so softly, filled with so much emotion it grips her heart and twists it in all sorts of ways.
She doesn't want to let go when he goes to pull back and look at her, but in the end she gives up and loosens her grip, but she does not let him go.
"I've been here for months Ziva, trying to remember something and I'm just going nowhere. I need to try something, I don't want to be like this forever" he explained. He knows he already explained himself last night but it seemed as though it's not enough. She cannot let go that easy.
Ziva brought her hand up to his jaw and stared at him only in the way an accepting lover could.
"Tony there is nothing wrong with the way you are now" she said. Because if it really came down to it she didn't care what he did for a job, as long as she had him around she was completely fine with him being, well, just him. It's not selfish of her to think like that is it?
He smiles at her because she accepts him how he is, and she'll never expect anything from him except for to just be himself. But does he really know who he is? He knows he could go on living and not remembering who he was exactly but deep down in his gut he knows he needs to, that he needs to do this and that it's going to work. He can only hope his gut is right about this because it will be tough for him, for Ziva, for everyone.
"Just trust me when I say I need to do this" he replied. He said staring at her softly. He needed her to trust him on this.
"I do trust you, it's just… this is hard" she said drawing a deep breath in. Holding herself together today was going to be the main focus of the day.
"I will not leave you in the dark Ziva" he promises her. Because he's not going to just leave and never contact her, no, that is something he wouldn't even be able to do. He needs to get away yes, but he won't leave her behind even if they are miles apart they will still be together.
Suddenly she pulls him to her again and clings to him with all that she can. This is going to be the hardest thing she has ever done, letting him go.
But if you love someone, you know when to let them go.
He leans forward and presses his lips to hers, and it was such a heart breaking kiss. He feels the tear roll down his cheek as he does and she's suddenly kissing him back with all the need in her heart, holding onto him and not wanting to let go at all. She knows she has to of course but that doesn't make it any easier.
All he really does here is upset her, he wants to change that and he knows that he is doing this so he can remember, so he can be the man she needs him to be. If he remembers and he's the man he used to be, he can stop crushing her heart with all the trouble he's causing her when he doesn't remember a thing. He wants, needs to remember for her, for them.
He's sick of saying sorry so he has to say goodbye.