I know some of you have been waiting for this, sorry it took a little while, work has been a little crazy lately. However the last episode had been a very good inspiration and I was able to get this chapter done a lot easier.
As always I hope you enjoy.
Hundan.
She watches as he walks out of Vance's office and they make their way towards the stairs in full conversation. She knows why he just went in there and she knows exactly what they had discussed. It's not really fair saying goodbye to him this morning and having to see him here at work, knowing what she knows when no one else has a clue what is going on or what is about to happen.
They shake hands and Vance wishes him well from what she can guess, he's taking it rather easy compared to her, well that is understandable really. Unless Tony and Vance have something romantic and personal going on, which she highly doubts.
Tony walks down the stairs and he looks out and catches her eyes, suddenly he's walking slower down the stairs and his focus is drawn in on her. She wants to look away, she should look away but she cannot help but hold his gaze.
She hadn't realized someone was talking to her until her name is called out louder than necessary and both she and Tony look away. She turns and realizes everyone is staring at her in the bullpen with strange looks. She apologizes and starts talking about the case, as if she had been listing all along, even though she hasn't because she had lost all focus when she'd seen Tony. But she seemed to be explaining her findings alright in the right moment right now because they were all listening to her and taking her information in.
However when she stopped talking and McGee took over she glanced her eyes towards Tony again who was now walking right past the bullpen. To say that her heartbeat hadn't gone up right now would be a lie. Her eyes follow him and he's staring at her so intensely right now, as if he was throwing all his feelings for her at her in that one gaze. And yeah, she felt like she needed to sit down right now.
She heard her name being mentioned again and she managed to catch on that she and McGee were being sent out on a lead, however when she turned back to them and away from Tony Gibbs was watching her very closely. He looked between her and Tony who was getting into the elevator right now and it's as though he was catching onto something. Like he'd seen everything between the two of the right in that moment. His gaze made Ziva a little unnerved.
"On it" she replied and went to grab her things from her desk, all the while Gibbs was watching her. Damn, he knew something was up. She hates it when she lets her composer slip like that, but sometimes when it comes to Tony, she cannot help it. Especially considering what happened last night and the fact he is leaving.
As she and Tim walked to the elevator she told him that he was driving, she knows her mind wasn't in the right space to be driving for the next hour. He was very surprised at that comment because when she already had the keys she was always the one to drive, he only ever drove when he had the keys first. She never gave him the keys and told him to drive. Never.
He wonders what is wrong, because she doesn't seem herself today.
The car trip is beginning to feel a lot longer than it should, and yeah, it's not like Ziva talks much on long car trips with him because they are both content to listen to the radio quietly together. But this, this is different. She's stared out the window quietly the whole time and she has not said one word to him, that doesn't sit very well with him. He knows something is up, and he plans on finding out. Because he doesn't like his friend being like this.
"You can tell me you know" he says quietly, breaking the silence. He's trying to approach this as best he can, because he doesn't want her to shut down on him. Her gaze doesn't move away from outside the window but she does decide to talk to him.
"There is nothing to tell" she replies and he can tell from that one comment she is going for denial. He doesn't like when she does that, it means something is really bothering her.
"Ziva" his tone is soft and she doesn't like it, because it reminds her too much of what Tony's used to be like when he was worried about her. She knows Tim loves her like a sister so she doesn't expect any less worry from him. And yeah she caves in a little, because Tim is important to her and she really feels like she needs to get this out, let her voice be heard and her problems be understood by someone other than herself. And Tim is always there for her.
"I cannot tell you to a point, because it is not my place to, however I am just having a difficult time… letting things go" she says and she looks down at her lap suddenly, still not looking at him. She cannot bring herself to face him, he will see her composer crack if she does.
He has a good feeling what this is about, what it is always about lately. Tony. He wonders if they had a fight again.
He guesses he will find out when it's his time to, but right now he's worried about his friend. He doesn't like when she's down.
It doesn't take long for McGee to find out exactly what it was that had Ziva so upset, Tony was leaving. And yeah, that made Tim a little upset himself.
Tim received a demanding text from Abby when he and Ziva were out on the lead and as soon as Tim got back to the Navy yard and was able to escape the bullpen he complied with Abby's demand and went and saw her. She was a mess.
She'd had her music all changed to soft jazz and the tear stained eye makeup was evident on her face still and he'd worried who had died, who had been shot. But it wasn't that, no, Tony was just leaving. And yeah that was about as painful as such a drastic event.
The last time Abby was like this was when Tony had been shot.
She told him she wasn't meant to tell him because Tony was going to see him later and tell him personally but Abby needed a shoulder to cry on. She didn't want Gibbs seeing her like this because he would know everything in a second and that wouldn't go down well. And she surely couldn't ask Ziva because that would be asking for trouble. Tony might be like a brother to Abby but to Ziva he was so much more than that, it was so much more intimately personal between them that Abby didn't know how Ziva seemed almost normal today. But Ziva had always been good at keeping her emotions pretty in check.
Tim stays with Abby as long as he can before he has to go to work and when he gets back to the bullpen Ziva somehow notices how he stares at her more. And as soon as she looks up and catches his gaze she knows he knows and the sad smile she offers him is not comforting because he suddenly realises just how much she is hurting deep down, and it pains him inside just knowing she's that hurt.
He knows that tonight his duties to both Ziva and Abby as the supportive friend will need to be used a lot and even if Tony hasn't talked to him yet he knows he will.
And no matter how much it will crush him that Tony is leaving them, Tim's going to have to be the strong one on this.
Vance had taken the news alright, he'd accepted his decision. Abby had been a big mess of tears, McGee it seemed like he saw it coming but he was still very upset about it and Ducky had taken it on the chin and Tony could tell he was upset but he wished him well and told him he looked forward to seeing him return better, hopefully in the near future.
He'd left his old boss till last, because he knows it will be a difficult one. It felt hard to face the older man when it was something this important, he doesn't know why though.
He was really nervous walking into Gibbs' house, Ziva has told him he always just left the front door open but that doesn't make Tony feel any less intruding. Walking into a man's house like this was a very trusting thing, and Tony wonders how exactly he had earned such trust in his past.
He knows where to go of course, from the last time he'd come here and Gibbs had come upstairs when Tony had called out to him after trying to look for him for a good five minutes. Why Gibbs is always down in that cold basement, especially in the winter, was beyond Tony. Tony slowly made his way down the stairs and he'd seen Gibbs down there, working on whatever it was he was making. Ziva told him he used to build boats but lately he'd been building other things, what exactly she wasn't sure because he was pretty secretive about it.
When Tony's feet touched the basement floor Gibbs paused what he was doing and looked over at the younger man.
"Drink is on the bench" Gibbs announced before going back to what he was doing. Tony looked over at the bench behind Gibbs and saw two glasses. One half empty which must have been Gibbs' and one was left untouched. Gibbs had been expecting him? Sometimes he wonders how this man comes to know things. He always seems to know everything, somehow.
Tony walked over to the bench and kindly took the drink, he needed a bit of liquid courage at this point.
"You knew I was coming?" Tony asked after he took a couple quiet sips of his drink. He had thought about how to approach this talk, and so far he didn't really know what he was going to say.
"Well Ziver hasn't been herself all day, McGee has been acting like he's hiding a big secret and Abby is an emotional mess" Gibbs explained plainly, like all those signs meant he knew Tony was coming over tonight. Tony guesses that Gibbs knows more than he does, it's not like Tony remembers how to read the signs of his old team, however Gibbs surely does.
"I guess you did" Tony said before he took another sip. He didn't know how to start this. Should he just go outright and say it, or should he work his way up to the explanation? Gibbs knew he was coming, so did he know what it was about, or did he have no idea? This seemed so hard right now he didn't know why. But in saying that telling Ziva was very hard, and he'd made it through that hadn't he? If only just. Then again he can't kiss and make up with Gibbs to make it feel better on his heart.
Actually, sleeping with Ziva had made him feel worse, because it proved how much she meant to him, and what he was leaving behind. He knows it's for the better, that this will help their relationship but it doesn't make it any easier.
"You gonna spit it out DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked as he placed down his tools and finally turned and looked at the younger man properly. Yeah, it was serious talk now. Tony swallowed his nervousness and tried to gather some words.
"I have been thinking a lot lately and I know that me being here is not helping me get any better" he began with, his words quiet. Gibbs watched as Tony's forehead creased as he thought hard about what he was saying. And Gibbs didn't like what his gut was telling him right now, what it had been hinting at all day he was now starting to figure out.
"And things have been really difficult, I mean I can't remember who I was, I don't know how to do my job, I don't remember how I became friends with people, I don't understand how my feelings started and not knowing things about a relationship with someone can really put things in a bad place" he begins to ramble, and maybe he's saying too much, but he really doesn't know what is too much to be telling Gibbs, and that is one of the problems, he doesn't know. He's sick of not knowing.
And yeah, Gibbs gut is so tight right now because, shit. He understands exactly what Tony is saying and no, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like that his kids have feelings for each other, because he knows it means trouble. He always wanted to deny that there was something there, always hoped that it would never become anything even though something was there. He was hoping that they were both too stubborn to admit it.
But dammit, Tony is not who he used to be and he's not stubborn like he used to be, he's way more open than he used to be. Heck, old Tony would not be standing here right now confessing such things to him so easily.
"I just need to get away Gibbs because I want things to be how they were, and I just need to try something different. Because right now this isn't working and how I am now isn't good for anyone" Tony explained. Now he was on a roll, he couldn't stop and Gibbs could just feel the emotions coming off him now. He's not used to that.
And yeah, Gibbs didn't really like the idea of Tony going away, because well, he's been around for a very long time now. Gibbs isn't sure how he's going to take this. Tony being away from work had been bad enough.
"And this isn't exactly something easy for me to do, but my life hasn't been easy since I had my accident. Vance offered me to return to work, retrain and things, but I don't think I can do that right now, I'm not in the right place of mind" Tony continued to go on, leaving Gibbs quietly taking in all that he was saying. Suddenly Tony stopped talking and looked a little confusingly at his old boss.
"Are you going to say anything?" Tony asked when he realised he'd been talking the whole time and Gibbs hadn't said anything yet. And he wanted Gibbs' opinion, he wanted to know if the older man thought he was doing the right thing right now.
Gibbs was silent for a long time and he just looked at Tony with something in his eyes, what that was Tony wasn't sure at all. However it seemed somehow important.
"Is there something you want me to say? Because I know you are set in your decision" Gibbs said after a while. And yeah that was true and he was right, but Tony still felt like this would only feel right in the end if the man before him agreed with what he was doing.
"Do you think I am doing the right thing?" Tony then asked. Because he really needed to know. Gibbs sighed and reached for his drink which was next to Tony's.
"If I was in your shoes, I would be doing the same thing. But that doesn't mean it's easy on the people you leave behind" the older man explained after he took a sip of his drink. Tony had a lot that he was leaving behind and Gibbs knows it's going to be hard on all of them.
"I know" Tony said quietly. He hated making people upset, but he has to do this, he needs his memories back and he doesn't know what else to do. He's stuck and he's not moving forward, he needs to reach a destination in his life.
"But we do what we have to in life" Gibbs then said, and it's probably most assuring words he's shared with Tony in a long time. Because yes what Tony is doing is hard on him, on everyone, but it has to be done in order to restore some balance. And right now, Tony needs that balance to be able to move on in life. What he's been through, it's not something easy, it's not something you get over in one night, it can take years to heal from something like this. Because it's not just the physical side of things that rip your life apart, it's also the mentally draining and emotional.
The room falls quiet and Gibbs realises Tony doesn't really know what to say, and so Gibbs asks the one thing that is on his mind right now.
"Where will you go?" Gibbs asked. Because Tony may have thought about leaving, but has he figured out how he's going to do it yet? Where exactly he's going to go and what he's going to do with his time away? Life isn't free to live.
Tony replies to him with a shrug, because he's honestly not too sure.
"I've thought about heading up the coast, seeing what I can find and I guess when I find what I'm looking for I will know" he replies. He's not setting anything in stone, he's not making goals or deciding on what he's going to do, because he doesn't know. And when whatever it is he is looking for finds him, he'll know it right away, that that is where he is meant to be. Some might say leaving his future in the hands of fate is risky, but it's what his gut is telling him to do, so he is going with it.
He doesn't have plans and Gibbs actually thinks that's a good idea. He doesn't know why because it sounds a little crazy, but it just feels right to Gibbs. And Tony is a smart man, Gibbs knows he will find his way, he will find a job. He's got very good people skills and if he had to rely on only that, he'll do fine.
"If you don't find what you are looking for, you are welcome back anytime" Gibbs explains to him. Because he's always welcome back in his home with his family if he doesn't find what he is searching for elsewhere. His family will always welcome him with open arms. Tony nods and gives him a light smile, because yeah just that little comment had meant a lot to Tony, more than Gibbs would probably ever know.
"Anyways I better head off, I still have a little bit to pack" Tony begins, he would love to stay longer and just talk to the older man, but he really needs to leave early in the morning, because if he postpones leaving any longer it will just make it even harder to leave. Tony downs the last of his drink and places the empty glass on the table before holding his hand out to the older man.
Gibbs reached out and shook the younger man's hand. Yeah, he was sad he was leaving, Tony is the one agent who has been with him longer than anyone.
"I know I don't remember but I just know you were a good boss, more than a boss sometimes. And I thank you for always being there for me" Tony says quietly, because this had suddenly turned a little emotional. Ziva has told him a lot about Gibbs and his relationship with him, and knowing what she told him and just talking to him like this, he just knows.
Gibbs let a small smile escape.
"You didn't turn out too bad, you've come a long way since I took you in all those years ago" he said. And yeah, for Gibbs that was a bigger comment than people normally get, but if anyone deserved it, it would be the man standing in front of him. "I'm proud of you Anthony" Gibbs adds and yeah, that comment got to Tony. Suddenly he's feeling exactly what Ziva meant when she said Gibbs was family to them, like a father.
"I promise not to let you down" Tony said. Because while he was gone he wanted to get back the man he used to be, at least some of him so he can maybe come back and be that very man he used to. So he can be that friend for all of them, so he can maybe be that agent he used to be. Maybe, one day. He's still not sure, he will just know though if he's ever ready to return.
"I have faith that you will" Gibbs replied. Tony gave Gibbs one more nod and a smile.
"Thanks for the drink" Tony said. Gibbs knew that his chat had meant a lot to Tony, that it had helped him and built that confidence in him to go about what he's got planned. Gibbs was happy to be there for him. As Tony turned and walked to the stairs Gibbs knew there was one more thing he had to say to Tony before he left.
"Hey" he calls out as Tony's foot touches the first stair. Tony stopped and turned back and looked at him. "Don't break her heart" he says, the words are hard for him to get out but he says them. Because it's difficult facing the fact that you try and deny, that he and Ziva care far too much about each other. But he has to warn the younger man, because Ziva cannot take one more man breaking her heart. She's had far too much of that and she doesn't deserve it, especially not from Tony.
Tony is a little shocked at first that he'd figured that out. But Ziva did say nothing goes missed by Gibbs.
"I promise I won't" Tony replied before turning and heading up the stairs. That is one promise he knows he will never break, because from now onwards most of what he does is for them. He wants to remember and be that man he used to, for them. He wants to know their past, what they have been through, so he can love her exactly how he knows she should be. He wants to know her, not just how he knows her now but how he knew her for the past eight years.
After leaving if he cannot find himself he will return to her. If he leaves and finds himself, he will still return to her. No matter what happens while he is gone he knows one thing will not change, he will not stop loving her and she is the one he is going to come back to and love until his last dying breath.
His head might be a mess and confused but his heart knows exactly who it belongs to.