A/N: This is an episode of Batman: The Animated Series and was written as a screenwriting exercise. And as a gift for my nephews. And because I like Harley and Ivy.
Alas, I own neither setting nor characters. I just like telling stories with them.
ACT TWO:
INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM VISITOR CENTER
Harley and Ivy grin at each other through the glass..
HARLEY
Didn't think I forgot about'cha, did ya, Red?
IVY
No, but you are cutting it a little close.
HARLEY
Sorry. I've been busy.
Harley opens under her coat. She wears her costume underneath it. She pulls out a small, gift-wrapped box, maybe twelve inches square, with a large red arrow on one side.
HARLEY (CON'T)
Doin' things legit takes a lot of time. I don't see how people do it ...
She puts the box on the floor, the arrow pointing to the wall, and pushes it under the desk with her foot. When it hits the wall, the package BEEPS.
Harley moves back the way she came. Quickly.
Ivy follows, on her side of the glass. As she passes him, she pulls The Ventriloquist up, out of his chair.
IVY
Time to move, doll man.
VENTRILOQUIST
(confused)
What ...? But ... my mother ...
HARLEY (O.S.)
I got her.
Harley helps the Crying Old Woman up, out of her chair.
HARLEY (CON'T)
Let's go, grandma.
Harley keeps walking and pushing the Crying Old Woman in front of her. On the other side of the glass, Ivy pushes The Ventriloquist the same way.
As they pass Penguin and the Goon, they jump out of their seats and follow. Penguin grins.
Just as Harley reaches the door she came in through, it opens and Batman steps through. Robin is behind him.
BATMAN
Harley? What are you -
CLOSE UP of the box Harley left on the floor. It emits a seconds-long BEEEEP and then ...
BOOOM! A huge explosion blows out the glass dividing wall and the wall past it (behind where Ivy was sitting) - which is an exterior wall - leaving a big, gaping hole to the outside.
Batman steps toward Harley.
BATMAN
(mad)
You lied to me!
HARLEY
No, Bats! I told you the truth! I swear!
Harley pulls out a large pistol and fires it, shooting a large boxing glove on a retractable arm. Batman dives out of the way. The boxing glove misses him but hits Robin dead on and knocks him back, out of the room.
HARLEY (CON'T)
I'm goin' straight!
Harley backs away from him, toward the hole in the dividing wall. Batman follows after her.
BATMAN
Breaking Ivy out of jail is NOT going straight!
Behind Batman, Robin gets to his feet ... and the Goon jumps on him.
HARLEY
I know but ... It ain't what you think! I can explain!
BATMAN
I'm all ears!
Ivy runs through the gap in the dividing wall, towards Batman and Harley.
Behind her, the Penguin waddles to the hole in the outside wall and looks out.
PENGUIN
Thank you, ladies!
Penguin jumps out the hole, sideways not down, and disappears from view. The is a loud CREAKING noise and a downspout bends out, away from the building, with Penguin hanging off of it. It bends lower and then out of sight.
PENGUIN (CON'T) (O.S.)
(fading)
Waaaaaaaaaaah!
Batman and Harley face each other, combat ready, poised for the other to attack.
BATMAN
I'm waiting ...
HARLEY
I know how this looks but can't you just trust me on this one, Bats?
BATMAN
(incredulous)
Trust you? When ...
(then, remembering)
No, Harley. I can't. I'm sorry.
HARLEY
(sighs)
Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry too.
BATMAN
For what?
HARLEY
This.
Harley flicks her hand. There is a loud SNAP and a bright flash. Batman flinches, just for a moment, but that's long enough. Harley somersaults over him, turning in mid-air, slides him into solid full nelson wrestling hold as she lands.
Batman struggles to break out of it but Harley holds on.
HARLEY (CON'T)
Hurry up! I can't hold him for long!
IVY (O.S.)
Don't get your roots in a knot.
Ivy walks up to them, putting on lipstick as she does. Batman's eyeslots get bigger.
BATMAN
Ivy ... you haven't done anything wrong yet.
IVY
I know.
Ivy moves close to Batman.
IVY (CON'T)
Would it help if I told you I'd be back tomorrow night?
Batman doesn't talk but struggles more against Harley's hold.
IVY (CON'T)
I didn't think so. Nighty-night, Batman.
Ivy leans in and gives Batman a long kiss. He struggles against it for a moment but then he stops moving altogether and slumps forward. Harley lowers him to the ground.
HARLEY
We gotta get outta here!
INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM, CORRIDOR
Just outside the open Visitor Center door ...
The Goon lunges at Robin who ducks under him, spins and flips the Goon over his shoulder.
The Goon hits the wall, upside-down, and slides to the floor, unconscious.
Robin jumps to the doorway.
ROBIN
Batman, I'm -
There are two loud POPS! as a confetti explosion goes off in the doorway, filling the area with streamers and glitter and confetti ... and wrapping Robin up like a mummy.
HARLEY (O.S.)
Robin, the boy pinata!
Harley and Ivy's laughter fades as Robin, cocooned and unable to move, falls over.
INT – BATCAVE
Batman is sitting at the BatComputer. Robin and ALFRED stand behind him. The monitor displays both Harley and Ivy's faces, as well as a long list of data.
Robin does an uncomfortable wiggle-shake.
ROBIN
That confetti was worse than a haircut!
Robin reaches a hand into the back of his costume shirt and scratches.
ROBIN (CON'T)
Man, do I need a shower!
BATMAN
No, what we need is information.
Batman taps the keyboard and the picture zooms in on Harley's face.
BATMAN (CON'T)
What are you up to, Harley?
ALFRED
Why does she have to be 'up to' anything, Master Bruce?
ROBIN
Why? Because she's Harley Quinn!
ALFRED
Exactly.
ROBIN
Huh? I don't get it.
BATMAN
I do. She was right when she yelled at me. She's Harley Quinn, the Joker's girlfriend and half crazy herself. Of course we're going to think she's up to something.
(beat)
But what if she's not?
Batman taps his keyboard again and the video of Harley leaving the money under the basket plays.
BATMAN (CON'T)
She paid for her fruit when no one was watching and she didn't have to. Maybe she is trying to change so ... let's give her the benefit of the doubt.
ROBIN
But she -
BATMAN
I know. And she seemed almost embarrassed about it. Usually she's as happy as a kid at Christmas.
ALFRED
A kid at Hanukah, sir. Remember, Miss Quinzel is Jewish.
BATMAN
You're right, Alfred, she is, and -
Batman pounds furiously on the keyboard.
ALFRED
Sir?
BATMAN
Tomorrow.
ROBIN
What's tomorrow?
BATMAN
Exactly! What's tomorrow?
(beat)
Ivy told me I wouldn't believe her but that she'd be back tomorrow night. So she and Harley have something to do tomorrow first. So ... what's tomorrow?
Data scrolls down the side of the large monitor. Batman stands to read it and Robin and Alfred step closer.
ROBIN
No museum exhibits are opening or closing tomorrow.
ALFRED
Can we rule out celebrity birthday?
BATMAN
Maybe. No senators or politicians in town. No large money shipments.
ALFRED
Trees.
BATMAN
What?
ROBIN
(looks at the screen)
I don't see trees anywhere.
ALFRED
You won't.
Alfred leans over Batman, hits a couple of keys one line of information highlights.
ALFRED (CON't)
Unless you speak Hebrew.
ROBIN
(reading)
Tubbish Vat?
ALFRED
Too Bish-vaht.
BATMAN
Alfred, what's -
ALFRED
Jewish Arbor Day.
Batman and Robin look at each other.
ALFRED (CON'T)
It honors God and Nature. It's usually celebrated by planting new trees and eating fruits native to Israel.
Robin points to the frozen frame from the store video. Inside Harley's basket are purple fruits.
ROBIN
Like pomegranites?
Alfred nods.
BATMAN
Alfred, you're a genius!
ALFRED
No, sir. I just had the luck to be in Israel on Too Bish-vaht a few years back and truly enjoyed the celebration.
ROBIN
She did break Ivy out of Arkham ...
BATMAN
I know ... but if Ivy was your best friend, would you celebrate Too Bish-vaht without her?
EXT. WOODS – AFTERNOON
Penguin and five Goons walking slowly through woods and look up at the trees around them. The Owl is flying above them.
PENGUIN
It's got to be around here someplace! Wah!
(to the Owl)
Where did you leave it, my pet?
OWL
Whoo!
The Owl flies off to the right. Penguin points after it with his umbrella.
PENGUIN
Come on!
GOON
Hey, Boss!
One of the Goons offers Penguin his binoculars and points to the left. Penguin looks through them.
EXT. WOODS & FIELD - AFTERNOON
POV framed by the binoculars.
The trees open up to a large field. At the other end of the field is a group of 40 or 50 people, with wheelbarrows, tree saplings, plants and shovels. Almost all of them hold black books in their hands.
POV focuses and then zooms in on the people, moving down the line. All of the men wear yarmulkes and, at the end, POV passes two women in long coats and hats ... but snaps back to them. Harley and Ivy. Still recognizable, even not in costume.
PENGUIN (O.S.)
I knew it!
EXT. WOODS - AFTERNOON
Penguin stands with the one Goon. The rest are off to the right, in the direction Penguin pointed with his umbrella.
PENGUIN (CON'T)
They're after my loot, boys! That's why they let me out of Arkham! Wah!
(beat)
Well they can't have it! It's mine! I ...
GOON
Whadda we gonna do, Boss?
PENGUIN
We're going to show those harpies that they can't steal from The Penguin!
END ACT TWO