Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Tommy is practically sprinting to the door of his old house. Brendan is close on his heels, trying to grab at his elbows to slow him down. There's no point in talking about this anymore; Pops has a shit ton of answering to do and Tommy is determined to get those answers in any way necessary.

"Tommy, listen to me! You need to calm the fuck down before you go in there!"

"Why Brendan? Why should I calm down before I go in and face that bastard? Was he ever calm when we were kids unless he was passed out from drinking? Did he ever take a second and think before he raised his fist to any of us? Or did he just do what he wanted to get the result he expected? Why does he deserve any sort of mercy? He coulda told me about Penny MONTHS ago. He could have given me a fuckin' heads up about what bad shape she was in and maybe I coulda done something to help that girl before she did a swan dive off the roof of the hospital! Why shouldn't I fuckin' go in there and just deck that mother fucker for what he's done?"

"Because Tommy, he's old, fragile and he can't defend himself physically against you. If you go in there swinging fists on him then you're no better than he was back in the day. You'd be the same kind of abusive asshole picking on someone who couldn't fight back."

Tommy opens his mouth to yell some more but the truth of what Brendan is saying hits home. There's nothing like having your bell rung with hard, cold facts; something so essentially true that there is no possible argument against it.

"FUCK!" The scream is one of frustration and anger pent up for years. It's a call full of unfulfilled revenge that has been on Tommy's soul, blackening it daily. This need for revenge has almost swallowed him whole and taken such a huge chunk of his time and energy; how can he move forward if he can't seek what he's desired for so long? What will be left of him if he lets go of the one thing that's kept him going for so long?

"There's something else you need to know," Brendan almost whispers. His eyes dart to the front door of the old house as if he's worried Paddy might be lurking around there. "Pops didn't want you to know this, forbade me to tell you."

"What? What is it?"

"Tommy, Pops has cancer and it doesn't look good. He's supposed to start chemo soon but they aren't giving him very good odds of beating it. His body is weak from all the years he spent drinking. You don't need to get revenge on him, life is doing it for you." Brendan looks Tommy in the eyes and holds him by the shoulders. "He didn't want me to tell you because he didn't want it to seem like some play for pity. I told him I didn't think it would matter one way or the other and that you should know."

"I don't know how to feel about this," Tommy stutters, his whole body feeling numb. "When did you find out?"

"Shit…" Brendan sighs, pushing his hands roughly into his pockets, "he called me after they hauled you off to Pendleton. He wanted to know all the ins and outs of the arrest but all I told him was that you were already inside and I didn't know for how long . We got to talking and it just kind of came out by accident. He mentioned something about seeing someone I went to high school with at the Oncologist's office. I really don't think he meant to tell me. But as soon as he was through giving me the details he begged me to not tell you a thing about it; said you had your own worries. Then later, once he knew you were back in Pittsburgh he called me to say that he didn't want you to know anything."

"So why are you telling me now?" Tommy's voice cracks with emotion; even though he has issues with the old man he wouldn't wish the death his mother suffered on anyone.

"I think you have a right to know Tommy because regret is hard to live with. Now that you know your time to make things right with him is limited it might change how you handle things. Then again, it might not; I'm not going to push you in any direction or judge you regardless of what you decide. You fought a different battle with Pops than I did, you had a different thing with him. I can't tell you what's right or what's wrong, Tommy. All I know for sure is that you're my brother, I love you, and I refuse to let anything come between us ever again. Now that I got you back I won't lose you for any reason."

Tommy turns to head up the last few steps but Brendan pulls him to a stop again.

"Please Tommy, I'm begging, just don't hit him."

"I won't touch him, I promise."

Tommy lets Brendan pass him on the walkway; his older brother reaches the door and knocks. They look at each other and Brendan gives him a smile of encouragement. Tommy feels like a stupid kid again. There were so many days as a young boy that he had stood outside of this door, his heart thumping in his chest just like it is now. Only back then he was thinking of how to keep from being beaten when he walked through the door. Now he was worried about how to keep his promise to his brother.

The shuffling from the other side of the door is heavy and slow, very unlike what Tommy remembers from his pre-Sparta training days. Even though it had hurts Pops knees to walk up and down the stairs the old man hadn't lumbered like this.

Looking upon his father as he opens the door he can't help the sharp intake of breath. Only a few days have passed since he saw him at his apartment but he looks infinitely worse. His skin hangs from his jowls and neck and his eyes are sunken deep into his face. He's walking bent over and the pain he feels is etched into his stony expression.

"Come in boys, I've been expecting you."

Tommy and Brendan follow Pops through the living room and into the dining room where he has a pot of coffee ready alongside three empty cups. Motioning for the brothers to sit, he takes the seat at the head of the table. Tommy pushes away harsh memories of dinners spent in agonized terror, waiting for dishes to be thrown and blows to be landed. His eyes follow a still visibly worn path in the carpet that he used to watch his father drag his mother along by the hair of her head. He can still see holes that were shoddily patched after his father had knocked his brother's head into the drywall in a fit of rage. Closing his eyes, he wills the familiar, cold iciness to come and cover all the emotions he's feeling right now; especially the ache in his heart that comes from seeing his father so diminished.

"I guess you know by now that Penny was staying here."

Tommy is shocked that Pops opens with that admission, all he can do is nod his head in response.

"She was left the house next door by her parents but she lost it to the state, she never paid the taxes on it. If I had known I would have helped her out, made sure she kept it, but I didn't find out until after it was all said and done. I didn't know out what kind of shape she was in until she came knocking on my door one night; she needed a place to hide from her pimp. That was about a month after Sparta. Now Tommy, before you go postal on me you need to know that she didn't want to see you, didn't want you to know how bad off she was. She was embarrassed, well at least she was when she had a little sobriety working for her. She swore to me that if you showed up here looking for her she'd run back to her pimp. I was scared that he'd kill her if she did. So I let her stay here and I took her to AA meetings with me until I could get her into some NA meetings." Paddy pauses to take a few pained, deep breaths and to pour coffee for the three of them. "She would do fine for a couple weeks and then one day she'd show up drugged out of her mind. All I could do was give her black coffee and watch to make sure that she didn't choke on her own puke. She wouldn't go to any hospital, she was afraid they'd stick her in jail."

Tommy wants to find fault with what Pops is saying but he can't. He saw for himself how out of control she was in the ER and he's pretty sure that Paddy would have been too afraid of her to push her into anything she wasn't willing to do.

"She stayed in the basement, I gave her a key to the back door so she could come and go as she pleased. She never came upstairs to eat or drink, never brought anyone home with her that I knew of either. I felt bad for the kid, I wanted to help her in some way, in the only way I could. I knew that as long as she was sleeping here she was safer than she would have been on the streets. I'm just sorry that it wasn't enough; I'm sorry for her to have met such a sad end." Paddy turns his eyes to Tommy; his visage is that of a man who's already dead but doesn't know it yet. Deep purple bruises outline his eyes and the effect reminds Tommy all too well of what his mother's eyes had looked like before she died.

"Now I'm sure you wanna know about the money I sent to Pilar." Taking a slow sip of his coffee, Paddy does his best to hide the shaking of his hand but Tommy and no doubt Brendan too, see it. He sits the mug back onto the table and sighs. "When I sent that man to look for you and your mother, Tommy, I sent him with a check for about two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. I bought some stock a long time ago in a company that turned out to be pretty successful. Once I got sober the first time, I sold all of the stock. Yeah, I guess it stupid; some kind of bribery on my part to think I could buy your forgiveness and pay for all that I did to you and your mom. But it was the only way I could think of to reach out to you two. When the PI came back with the check in hand and the news about your ma, I chucked the money into a savings account. The fact that your mother had died eventually added a lot more to that account since I had a couple life insurance policies on her. I never touched a penny of it, I sent every dime of it after Uncle Sam took his cut to Pilar. I know you were planning on giving her the purse from Sparta. I knew you wouldn't let me do it if I'd asked but all I really wanted was to help that woman and her kids because they meant something to you."

Tommy's hand shakes violently as he lifts his mug up to his tight lips. He feels that any act of normalcy right now should help quell the intensity of his emotions but this isn't. He sits the mug back down on the table heavily and sloshes hot liquid all over the tablecloth. Neither Paddy nor Brendan seems to notice.

"Tommy, I know you can't forgive me and I understand why. I did bad shit to you and Brendan and especially your ma. I chose the bottle over you guys for so long and it cost me everything worth having. I lost the only woman I ever loved, I lost my son's and now I've lost my granddaughters too before I even got to know them. But it ain't about me, I see that now, I ain't trying to sit here and feel sorry for myself or to make you feel bad for me either. It's about what I've done to you both and the way that it's screwed up your lives. I can't even begin to tell you both how sorry I am. I never showed either one of you how much I loved you. I might have said it a few times but I never showed it, even though I felt it. I can't ask for your forgiveness no matter how bad I want it. There…" Paddy's voice breaks and Tommy sees tears streak down his father's haggard face, "there just aren't enough words or enough time. I gave nothing and expected everything…"

Brendan reaches over and takes Paddy's hand in his; he doesn't say anything, just holds Pops hand as the old man cries his tears of regret.

"I don't know how to forgive the old man who did those things to me," Tommy says, leaning across the table and staring into Paddy's eyes.

"Tommy, please…" Brendan whispers, mouthing the word please again silently and pleading with his eyes.

"Let me finish Bren, okay?" Tommy holds up his hand and then brings it to his forehead. He takes a moment to gather his emotions, he's feeling unsure of what he knows he's going to say but knows that it needs to be said.

"I don't know how to forgive the mean old drunk who made my childhood a living hell, who beat my ma senseless and separated me from my brother before I was ready to let go. But as far as I can see…" Tommy clears his throat to keep the tears at bay, he needs to get this out before he loses his nerve, "as far as I can see that old man is long gone, dead, and the man I see in front of me is the dad I should have had. I can't be mad at you anymore Pops, it's eating me alive. We have to bury this hatred and bullshit right now, we need to bury the past and leave it underground. I can't say that things'll be perfect or that we're gonna be like the fuckin' leave it to Beaver's, but we gotta try. I just can't live with anymore regret. So I forgive you Pops, I forgive you and I'm leaving it all behind me today… right now."

His words come out in a slurred rush, his mind outgunning his mouth in an effort to get everything said and once he's done the tears come. Hot and fierce, the salty flow of them follows the eddies of his frown lines and plunge onto the fabric of his shirt. Each one represents a hurt or wrong from the past that he's letting go off.

Paddy leans forward into his hands, sobbing loudly. "Thank god for you Tommy, thank god for you Brendan…" is all he can say over and over. Brendan leans into his father's prone form and reaches for his brother's hand. Thank you, he mouths silently when Tommy turns his eyes to him.