Then on your tombstone, where you only get a little bit of space to sum up your life, some wax-faced creep chisels a set of meaningless numbers instead of poetry or a secret love or the name of your favorite candy. In the end, all you get is a few words. - Scott Nicholson
It's never over; she's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever. – Jeff Buckley
The day is gray, cold and rainy. The weather mirrors the mood as Tommy puts on his only suit and looks at himself in the mirror; last night's optimism has given way to stony, cold grief this morning as he prepares to lay his childhood friend to rest.
"Maybe now you're at peace, Penny," he mumbles to the empty air of the bedroom. He hears the door creak open and Heather sticks her head in and gives him an apologetic smile.
"Babe, it's time to head out," she says. Looking at him from head to toe she smiles again and walks over to where he stands in front of her full length mirror. She tiptoes to kiss him and then sets about straightening his tie and brushing his shoulders off. Tommy stares down at her, wondering how he ever got so lucky to have found her.
"Thank you," he mumbles, looking away. Tommy's afraid to stare at her too long, afraid she'll see too much of him. She already has the power to break his heart and it scares him.
"For what?" she asks as she looks at herself in the mirror and straightens the simple black dress's hemline.
"For… just for being here, for being you."
Heather turns and smiles at him, brushing his cheek with the back of her hand. "Let's go Tommy."
Grasping his hand with hers she pulls him towards the door and out into the bleak day. Brendan, Tess and the kids are waiting outside already in their minivan. The whole group is going to caravan to Paddy's to pick him up and meet Teddy and a few other friends from high school and the old neighborhood at the cemetery. A grand total of about eleven people would be on hand to lay Penny Denton to rest.
Tommy sits in Heather's car and watches Brendan help Paddy down the narrow steps to the minivan. Pops looks older than his years, ashen and lifeless. It's more than time etched into his face, its hard living mixed with equal amounts of regret. It's in this moment that Tommy has his epiphany. Looking at Pops, a man who is emotionally and physically devastated, he realizes that's him in another 25 years. He will be his father if he doesn't make a change now, if he doesn't start living for today instead of in the past. He will become Paddy if he doesn't let go of all the demons that haunt and torment him. He'll be the child that continues the cycle because Brendan's already broken free.
Shoring up against the emotional storm he glances at Heather. She's looking straight ahead as Paddy climbs slowly into the front passenger's seat. As if she's read his mind (and he doesn't doubt that she can for a second) she says lowly, "That doesn't have to be your future, Tommy. Let me love you; let me show you how good life can be. Take a chance."
"You'd better be careful reading my mind like that Heather. You might hear some things that are gonna send you running away from me."
"I know you think that you could shock me, Tommy," Heather whispers as she takes her hand and turns Tommy's face towards her, "but you aren't thinking things that no one has ever thought before. You haven't done anything so terrible that it hasn't been done before. I've been in the lowest places a person can exist but you don't run away from me, do you?"
Tommy can't answer verbally; he can only shake his head as he looks into Heather's eyes, seeing nothing but love and acceptance there.
"I'm in this for the long haul, Tommy. I'm not going to run, I'm not going to betray the trust you're putting in me. I'm not going to break your heart."
Leaning across the small space dividing them, Tommy takes Heather's face into his hands and pulls her closer to kiss her. Relaxing in to his grasp she sighs deeply, contentedly. For a moment they both seem to forget the sad business at hand. Brendan honks the horn to let them know it's time to head to the cemetery and Tommy lets Heather go. Smiling tautly, he turns to face forward and breathes deeply. "You can get through this," he tells himself silently.
The rain slows to a misting as they pull up to the walkway leading to the plot. Tommy's heart is heavy and that lends to the same feeling in his legs. They don't want to carry him to the grave side; they don't want to participate in the finality of what's to come. Scrounging up as much courage as he can muster, he opens the door and steps out into the damp day. Looking around he sees Teddy, a few of the ER nurses and quite a few people he recognizes as people that knew Penny from high school. The fact that more showed up than expected eases him a little. Reaching for Heather's hand, Tommy slowly leads the sad parade towards the tent covering the casket and more than enough chairs to seat everyone.
The plot is on top of a small hill and overlooks a valley that unfortunately is crowded with smoke stacks spewing pollution into the already smoggy air. Penny will be laid to rest next to her mother and father; Jeff had informed the brothers that she already had a burial place when they had gone to insist that he transfer consent to them. Paddy is the last to make the climb, the last to be seated. He takes a seat between Brendan and Tommy; for the first time in his adult life Tommy draws strength from the nearness of his Father.
There is no pastor present, Tommy knew without question that Penny wouldn't have wanted some stranger standing over her lying about the kind of person she was. He also knew he didn't want people standing over her recounting all the wrongs and mistakes she made later in life. He was here to bury the sweet girl who always comforted him in his time of need; he was here to give a silent apology to who she became.
Once the crowd is seated Tommy gives Heathers hand a squeeze then stands and steps up to the small podium set up by the funeral home. Clearing his throat he looks out into the faces of his family and friends and some who are strangers to him. He has a moment of panic, thinking that he has nothing to say that any of these people want to hear, that he has no business standing up here for Penny after the way he abandoned her when she needed him. The he looks at Heather and finds his center, finds the strength in her encouraging smile and he begins to speak.
"Penny was my childhood friend. She was the first girl I ever kissed. She was a kind and sweet soul, the person who always stood by me when I needed courage, the one who ran with me when I needed to get away. She always understood me, I never had to say a word to her, she just knew," he pauses, looks at his feet, unsure if he should say what's on his mind or not. Taking another deep breath he looks up at the tent ceiling and continues. "Many of you here knew Penny as a drug addict, as a violent person. That wasn't Penny, it was the circumstances of her life and how she reacted to things that were beyond her control. Please don't remember the person she was later in life. Remember the girl who was always the first person to stand up for other people. Remember the girl who laughed like no one was listening, the one who had a smile that could light up a room. Remember that girl, honor the person she should have been, would have been if the world had been a little kinder to her."
The rest of the service is a blur to Tommy. Later he won't be able to recall much of anything anyone else said specifically. Mostly people got up and told stories about Penny from school; how she was a prankster, how she always championed for people who couldn't stand up for themselves, what a sweet girl she always was…
Tommy is the first to place a white rose on her casket. Everyone else follows suit and soon her final resting place is blanketed in white. Tommy had requested that she not be lowered until the mourners were gone from the graveside. He can't bear to see it and he doesn't think she would want anyone to be present for it. He's peeved with himself that he seems to be assuming a lot about what Penny would and would not want but his gut tells him he is doing the right thing.
Walking down the pathway to the cars Tommy helps his brother steady Paddy. The old man hadn't said anything during the service, he'd merely sat there and nodded his head mournfully, pain etched into his skin like lines in stone. When they reach Brendan's minivan Tommy helps his father into the front passenger seat while Brendan and Tess strap the girls into their car seats. Paddy reaches into the center console and pulls out a plastic grocery bag, handing it to Tommy.
"What's this?" Tommy asks, taking the bag.
"It's your Flyers jersey. I think you should take it with you. Penny wore this a lot; I think she slept in it when she was home. She found it in some of the stuff you and your ma left behind and asked me if she could have it. I didn't think I would ever see you again so I gave it to her. It meant something to her just like it meant something to you once upon a time."
"Thanks," Tommy says as he stares at the Shop n' Save logo on the bag. "Yeah I saw this downstairs yesterday when I was starting to box up her things. I appreciate you, uh, bringing this to me. I'll make it over sometime this week to get the rest of her things together. I guess I can donate it to a shelter or something."
"Sure Tommy, no rush, that would be a nice thing for you to do," Paddy whispers as he looks at him through watery eyes. "Tommy, I know it won't mean much but I sure am proud of what you did today. Penny woulda been proud of you too. She hated when people sugar coated things."
Tommy just stares at his feet, unable to admit to his father that he does appreciate the praise from him. Being willing to forgive doesn't include dropping all the wariness of Paddy's motivations and intentions. The wall is still up and probably always will be, but at least there is room for change in Tommy's heart now. Without any forethought, Tommy instinctively leans into the van and places his arms around his father. It's the first time he's ever embraced the man in his life. Paddy is shocked stiff for a moment and then leans into Tommy's shoulder, his body shaking with silent sobs of relief.
"Go home and get some rest Pops, Heather and I will stop by later to check on you."
Paddy nods as he wipes his eyes and Tommy steps back to close the van door. Brendan comes around and gives him a hug followed by Tess. Rosie and Emily wave goodbye to him from the back seats of the van. Heather comes up beside him as the van pulls away, pulling him to her.
"You ready to head home babe?"
"I got one more thing I need to do," he says as he heads up the hill one last time. Jogging until he reaches the funeral director he requests that the casket be opened. The director doesn't argue, it seems he's used to these last minute request. Using a small tool, the man gently slides it along the edge of the light brown wood. Tommy hears metal clicking and seconds later the top half of the casket is open. Looking down at Penny's remains he stifles a moan. He's not prepared for the devastation her fall caused to her head. Determined to accomplish what he came here to do, he takes his Flyers jersey out of the bag and folds it so the team logo is facing outwards. He leans forwards and drapes the sweater over Penny's folded hands. He turns and nods at the director then heads back down to where Heather is waiting for him.