EDIT 2/9/2014: Story's the same just going through and adjusting things. Proofreading and all that.
Chapter 5: Worst Legacy in History
"Bruce." Tony thinks his voice is very calm. Measured even. The look Steve shoots him tells him that no, in fact, his voice was a bit pitch-y. Especially towards the end. Yeah, who cares. Not important. Moving on. "Did you just say that Richard and Mary Parker were not Peter's parents?"
Bruce shifts uncomfortably in his chair. "Yeah."
Tony sighs. "Did you also just say that he is the genetic lovechild of Captain Muscles-and-Apple-Pie and myself?"
Peter slumps into the couch. "Ugh, wow, that is probably the worst possible way you could have said that." He laughs sharply. "Crap, I literally have two dads."
Tony points at him. "No. Just no." Then he turns back to Bruce who is hiding his face in his hands. "Bruce. That is not possible. Why did you even check that? This is not possible!" He points at Steve who seems to have died and is just sitting on the floor. "How the hell would they have gotten his DNA? Peter was already sixteen when Capsicle was defrosted. This is not possible."
Peter smirks at Tony. "You keep using that word I do not think it means what -"
"Okay, stop being a snarky Stark. You're disproving my point. And that is still not possible."
"Bruce." Steve stands at attention. "Could samples from 1943 have…?"
Bruce rubs his eyes. "Well, considering how well you were preserved? Yeah, I'd say the cells would've been viable."
Tony can't believe the betrayal. Steve is acting like this is actually happening. Like Peter is biologically their son. Oh my God. He has a son with Captain fucking America. He falls into one of his couches. "Fuck. Howard had my umbilical cord preserved. I'm actually not sure where he would've stored that. If someone stole samples of Cap's DNA, they probably could've easily accessed mine, too." Something really awful occurred to him. "Or even worse, Howard started the project himself. Highly unlikely, he was worse with biology than I am."
Gwen makes a really awful noise. "Oh, Mr. St- Tony. That is really messed up."
Tony gets a wicked smile. "You know what though. I think I still win, no offense, Parker. But you seem more like me than Steve. He would've hated that." A strangled laugh erupts from his throat before he can cover his face.
"Tony," Steve warns.
"I know," he says, looking at Peter. "Sorry, kid. You just inherited the worst legacy in the world."
Peter grins viciously. He pointedly looks around. "I don't know. It seems pretty nice around here."
Yeah, Tony doesn't really think he's doing that bad either.
So there'll eventually be a sequel to this, detailing the aftermath of this ridiculousness. But if I try doing it now it'll end up being complete CRACK... So, no. That's not happening.