I didn't recognize the man in the crew deck's bathroom mirror. This stranger stood, hands on either side of the sink, staring into the mirror. His skin was pale from lack of sleep, coupled with dark crescents under his eyes and an unnatural streak of white hair running along the side of his scalp. I ran my fingers along my ribs and watched as my reflection did the same. I scoffed quietly, turning and drying my hair in my towel. It was ironic how truly dead I looked.
The war was over, but it didn't feel over.
I dressed quickly and checked my omni-tool for any updates as I left the restrooms. There were still no missions and frankly, I had no idea what to do with myself. My stomach growled as I cast a weary gaze towards the memorial. Ashley Williams' plaque was always the first my eyes found. Whenever I think back to that day on Virmire I know in my gut it should have gone down differently. Shepard should have saved her.
Shepard would get a stony look on his face whenever I asked him why he chose me. It made no sense... Shepard and Ashley were, well, I saw the looks they would give each other. The nonstop banter, the late nights in the mess hall, hell, even the way Shepard always positioned her behind the safest cover during missions, which she would later rant to me about, totally pissed.
Why did Shepard save me? And when did, whatever he felt for Ashley, change into whatever he feels for me? I shook my head and made my way to the mess hall. Those are the kinds of questions that drive a man mad.
I scrolled through some of the previous messages in my omni-tool's private terminal. There were a few from Dr. Frela, she's keeping me updated on Shepard's condition, which I read through once again.
Shepard was pulled, unconscious and half dead, from the rubble near London. It was a miracle he was found at all, let alone alive. Shepard was rushed to the nearest medical tent until he was stable and ready for transport, then he was shuttled to New Haven Medical in Switzerland. The facility had hardly suffered during the reaper attack and was one of the best medical centers available.
Things were still touch and go until Miranda Lawson came forward with her private Lazarus project intel. The doctors were able to bring Shepard out of critical condition using the information, another favor I owe to that woman.
Dr. Frela sent a message to me when Shepard finally woke. My request to see Shepard was shot down, and when I inquired why I was told Shepard declined it himself. That had been... painful, but I understood that Shepard would need time. Maybe even, although it hurts to say, forever. Shepard also requested that the details of his debrief, recovery, and injuries remain confidential. What did he have to hide?
I made my way over to the kitchen and mixed myself a calorie-packed recovery drink. The use of my biotics coupled with an inconsistent eating and sleeping pattern was starting to ware on me. I leaned against the counter as I drank the thick grey sludge. It tasted like wet cardboard, but I drank it without complaint. Sighing, I leaned my head back against the cabinet for a moment and closed my eyes.
The sound of footsteps and chatter jerked me awake. My head was throbbing, I didn't even remember... I glanced around in confusion as Garrus and Vega came into sight, they hadn't noticed me yet. I was half up against the counter and half on the ground. The recovery drink had spilled and my head felt as if... As if I had hit it on something, probably on the way down. I nearly expected EDI to ask if I needed assistance or comment on my vitals.
I will never, ever, get used to a quiet ship.
Garrus caught sight of me before I could straighten myself. James stood back wearily when Garrus began to make his way over. Probably sensing a firefight. Smart guy.
"What happened Kaidan?" Garrus asked, voice authoritative and arms folded in front of him. I could tell he already had a pretty good idea, but I humored him anyway.
"I fell Garrus." My exhaustion hit me hard suddenly. I didn't have the energy to toss back a sarcastic quip.
"Fell?" His eyes watched me carefully as I hauled myself back up and tenderly pressed a hand to the back of my head, assessing the damage.
"Fell asleep." I muttered, looking down at the mess I'd made. The micro-sleeps that have snuck up on me in the past have never caused me harm.
"You need rest and a good meal," Garrus said with finality, like he was diagnosing me. "Go sit down, I'll clean this up."
I did as the Turian said and watched as Garrus stooped to dispose of the larger shards of glass and mop up the liquid.
"Hows your head Jefe?" Vega asked, setting a medkit on the table.
"I don't think I'm concussed..." I began, wincing when James unprofessionally grabbed my head and shined a small flashlight into my eyes. I lightly pushed him away and he grinned.
"Was your head always this big?" He asked, cracking a smile.
The irritating, hilarious, egotistical James was back and I knew it was because of the good news with Shepard. The crew was so much lighter, excited. They were being so kind to me. My heart throbbed and I tried to push the emotions back.
"Woah, I was joking Alenko. Your big head fits your big shoulders." James backtracked, alarmed by my surge of emotion.
"Thank you, James." I met his eyes and he nodded curtly, like he understood my meaning perfectly.
"Just telling it how it is, Sir."
Garrus finished and met us at the mess table. He leaned on the table and glanced between James and I, mandibles flickering as he thought.
"About that R&R, all I'm asking for is the rest. You need it Major," It reminded me of the way he used to pester Shepard, who was indefinitely hard on himself. But there is always a new item to attend to. Garrus could see my hesitation.
"There's no war going on Kaidan, not anymore." Those words hit home.
I'm not Shepard and the crew doesn't expect me to be. Shepard... is alive. Shepard is alive.
"My subconscious still thinks there is... Every time I close my eyes-" Shepard is there, blood and dirt smeared across his stony face. Explosions and Reapers screeching behind us. My head is pounding but the pain in my leg overshadows it. Shepard's eyes glow with a fierce intensity as he looks into mine, hand cupping my cheek, promising. Garrus' grip on me tightens as Shepard turns away with one last lingering glance. We hold eye contact until the Normandy's cargo bay doors close. And in that moment I hate him, I hate him more than anything. Until the very end...that's what I promised. He knows I'd rather die than break that promise.
"There are sedatives in the Med bay." Garrus broached, unphased by the sudden silence and my glazed eyes.
"Yeah, okay." I agreed finally, too tired to argue.
I followed Garrus to Dr. Chakwas' office, changing out of my wet fatigues and into an extra set Chakwas kept for me. I practically lived in the Med bay, missions three times a day tends to cause near constant migraines.
Garrus dug through a few drawers of medical supplies as I sat in Dr. chakwas' chair and spun myself abstinently with my toes, waiting.
Yesterday, when passing the deck, I caught a glimpse of Garrus and Tali sharing a couch and sipping on wine. They were smiling and laughing and I kept walking. Before the news of Shepard, I don't think they would have managed. Garrus had looked so carefree. Nothing like his mother-hen attitude. I knew it was just his way of looking out for the crew, but it still got on my nerves now that it was directed at me instead of Shepard.
"Found it." Garrus confirmed, handing me the vial and it's administrating needle.
I prepped my arm while Garrus gave me his 'ill take care of things' nod and left me alone with myself. I injected the sedative and moved to one of the tables, laying back and shutting my eyes. My body seemed to sigh in relief and I took a deep breath, slowly steadying to a rhythm. My last thoughts were on Shepard as I slipped away.
###
What was... was that... pancakes? I opened my eyes as my stomach knotted painfully from hunger. I was so groggy that I could barely lift myself from the table. Probably from the muscle relaxants in the sedative.
"Careful there Major, wouldn't want you breaking something." Joker joked, snarky as ever, as he set a tray of heaping pancakes and something that looked like bacon on the desk.
"Very funny," I muttered as he smirked, "How long was I out?" I asked, taking a few wobbly steps with the support of the wall.
"Twenty-nine hours I believe," Joker said as he steadied me with one hand, "You should probably sit."
"This is why I hate sedatives." I muttered, sliding into Dr. Chakwas' chair.
"Lush room service and escort from the cripple?" Joker asked as he rolled the chair to the plate of food.
"Especially that." I played along, picking up the pancake barehanded and taking a deep bite. Joker got a real kick when I moaned.
"Yup, they're real. Vega's Abulita's recipe. God, I wish I could meet that woman," Joker leaned back against the counter, "Just wait 'till you try the bacon."
The pancakes gave me a hazy flashback of the peach ones my mom would make me when I was young. The warm sensation that spread through my chest at the memory was comforting, calming.
Then I tried the bacon.
"How did we get this?" I gasped, taking another slow and deliberate bite.
"Quick pit stop in a small Spanish town." Something about Joker's tone was off.
"What...?" I asked, between licking my fingers.
"Spanish as in... Spain." Joker chuckled at my expression.
I stood, feeling my legs go rubbery. I grabbed onto the counter to steady myself. Joker quickly caught my elbow.
"Woah, there's no rush. Finish your breakfast, most important meal of the day." Joker relaxed when I sat back down and he adjusted his cap slightly, in a nervous manner. It didn't matter though, my appetite was gone.
"Did something happen?" I asked, feeling a pit open in my gut.
"No, no, Shepard's fine. Well, as fine as you can be after... you know."
"So he...?" I let the question hang.
"Are you going to finish that?" Joker interjected, gesturing to the torn up pancakes.
I scowled and nudged the plate towards him, which he happily began to devour.
"...Shepard?" I reiterated, slightly annoyed now.
"Umph, yeah, he," Joker swallowed the lump of food in his mouth, "he requested to see you. Garrus made the executive decision to come here though... Don't look at me like that."
I scrubbed my face with my palms and sighed. Joker seemed to catch wind of my thoughts.
"We all miss him... But he just asked for you. I don't think Garrus would've taken no for an answer... you know?" The kind words Joker offered were slightly degraded by the pancake he had shoved into his mouth.
"So... what now? Do I just go to the hospital and... see him?" I asked quietly, apprehension beginning to bubble up inside my gut.
"I don't know. Just... check on him?" Joker patted my shoulder awkwardly, "We're fifteen minutes out from the hospital, Cortez will take you the rest of the way in the shuttle when you're ready."
"Alright, thanks Joker."
"Yeah, whatever, don't worry about it. I gotta get back." Joker saluted and I waved him off.
The med-bay door slid shut and I checked my omni-tool. Two messages while I was out. One from a biotic student of mine, checking in on me and the other from Shepard. It was nearly a day old. I swallowed before opening the message.
Kaidan,
I'm sorry I didn't contact you sooner, I just needed some time to get my head together. Physical rehab has been tough and I wanted to concentrate purely on recovering. I've also been thinking about us a lot, but I'd like to talk about that in person.
Let me know,
Shepard.
I set a reminder for me to message back my student before standing shakily. I stretched hard and dropped to the floor, doing some quick crunches and push-ups to help clear my head. Once I felt better, I took the plate back to the mess hall and grabbed seconds and thirds. I knew if Chakwas was here she would scold me for letting my body fat percentage get so low.
And it was so good.
Finally, I showered, checked in with Garrus and Tali at the CIC, and took the elevator down to the shuttle bay. Cortez was at the main terminal, tinkering with an assault rifle and James was tucked away in his nook. Cortez gave me an interesting look when I habitually moved to get my armor from the lockers. Instead, I tucked my hands behind my back and stood at attention.
"Are you ready to go Cortez?" I questioned.
"Yeah, who's coming with on this one?" Cortez wiped his hands on a nearby rag quickly and turned.
"I'm going alone." I replied.
Cortez's eyebrows pulled together. "Maybe you should suit up then."
"It's a hospital..."
"That wouldn't stop Cerberus. It would put me at ease if you did, Major." Cortez was pulling that broody 'please sir' face.
"Alright, fine." I hissed, turning back to my locker and pulling my helmet out, gazing back at my reflection in the visor.
"The Kodiak will be prepped in two." Cortez assured me.
###
My stomach fluttered as I paced back and forth in the waiting room. All the rubble and loose tile had been piled to the side, but something would still occasionally crunch beneath my boots. The far wall of the building had collapsed during the reaper attack and was temporarily covered by a tarp. When the wind hit it at a certain angle there was a chilling whistle that filled the room.
My omni-tool beeped and I checked the message. It was from Dr. Frela, telling me that I could go inside. I swallowed hard and instinctively moved to straighten my uniform. My gauntlets just brushed against my armor, making me feel a bit silly and honestly, a little anxious. It almost felt like I had swallowed...sandpaper. My hands were clenching and unclenching.
I made my way down the hall and through the security checkpoint. Dr. Frela had already waved me through. I continued down the hall, past multiple blank hospital rooms and disorganized desks. The whole hospital was jarringly white, which unpleasantly reminded me of my time in BAaT.
I paused to steady myself and take a deep breath. I detached my helmet and tucked it beneath my arm before pushing open the door at the end of the hallway. The room was long, with a huge window overlooking the remnants of a pale garden. A single hospital bed was neatly made and pushed against the wall. There was a padded chair in the corner with a neat stack of clothes resting on top. There were no signs that anyone was occupying the room except for the silhouette by the window and a dying jar of lilacs near the bed.
The light in the room was artificially dimmed so all I could make out was Shepard's back facing me among some other small details. Shepard's shilloute was the first thing my eyes had found. He was wearing an old robe over his string-tied hospital slacks, slippers included. His hands were clasped in front of him in a very formal stance. Shepard tipped his head slightly when I shut the door behind me and set my helmet by the door. The movement allowed me to make out the outline of his jaw from where I stood.
Shepard broke the silence.
"I'm... glad you're here." His voice was uncharacteristically rough, although his tone was gentle.
"Of course," I replied, clearing my throat. I realized how tense I was and loosened up a little. "How... are you?"
Shepard didn't answer and I looked around the room awkwardly. He had turned back to the window a while ago, shrouding himself completely once more.
"Uh, Tali asked me to give you this," I pulled out the copy of Fleet and Flotilla she'd given me and took a step towards Shepard. "It's way too low budget for my taste, though." The attempt of a joke tasted bitter in my mouth.
I held out the chip and waited for Shepard to take it, or something, but he didn't move. I let my hand fall and shuffled my feet awkwardly. What was going on?
"What was it you wanted to talk about...?" I asked finally, frustrated with myself more than anything.
"I just wanted to hear your voice again..." I barely heard Shepard's whisper.
It sounded like a goodbye.
I blinked quickly, unwilling to jump to conclusions. There wasn't enough time to jump to conclusions... not with the war still so raw. I was tired of this though, this game. I just wanted to hold Shepard again and smell his skin and aftershave. I didn't understand his distance.
I had lost him again.
Two steps and I gently took Shepard's shoulder and turned him. He didn't resist, but Shepard looked away until the last second before our eyes made contact. He was terrified. I've only seen that look on him maybe twice. Our eye contact only held for a second before my eyes moved to the left side of his face. I flinched. Of all the things I could do, I flinched.
Shepard's face hardened fast and he jerked his body back, striding away from me and towards the hospital bed. He gripped the railing hard with his hands, wringing it, and cast his eyes to the ground. Something low glinted in the faint lighting, catching my attention.
I closed the distance between us, taking the cool metal of his synthetic hand in mine. The corner of my mouth tipped up as I ran a knuckle along the smooth material. He wouldn't look at me. I ever-so gently took his chin in my free hand and turned his face so our eyes met.
"You're the most handsome man I know Shepard. Always have been and always will be." It was the truth, but my words were worthless. They didn't reach him. So I just held his fleeting gaze. It was the best I could do.
"In the past perhaps." He ground out quietly, jaw muscles locking and unlocking. I felt my chest tighten with tangible sadness.
How could I possibly convince him otherwise? Shepard was the most thick headed, self-absorbed person I knew. I loved him regardless, but changing his opinions was nearly impossible.
"Shepard..." I quickly clasped my hands and stood tall. I didn't want to start crying. I could feel the emotion building in my chest- if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. "I love you, you know that."
His eyes fluttered shut and he turned away from me, his synthetic hand falling limply to his side. I waited for a reply, but he remained stoic. The bastard... Did he think... Did he really...
"Listen, Shepard, I get it. Poor you. It sucks. It really fucking sucks, but what can we do? What can I do? The world is in shambles. Humanity was nearly exterminated. The crew, we all miss you, and if you think some disfiguration will change the events of the last few years, the loyalty of your crew, then... then..."
I didn't know. I didn't know what would happen.
I lost it. My face contorted and I felt warm tears streak down my cheeks. A sob escaped before I quickly covered my mouth. I was crying. In front of Shepard. He had turned slightly during my passionate upchuck and I watched as his gaze followed a tear as it fell from my chin.
I couldn't wipe my runny nose on my armor and I looked over at Shepard desperatly. He fished out a tissue from the front pocket of his robe. The thin, frail paper was clenched between two metal fingers on his synthetic hand. I reached out and took the tissue, whipeing in my face and blowing my nose.
Shepard watched the ordeal with his empty gaze. The look he was giving me now used to make the skin on the back of my neck prickle, back when I was his Lieutenant. Shepard was intimidating, backwards and forewords. His cut throat attitude and approach to missions didn't help.
I appriciated Shepard's intimidation factor when we were in places like Omega, or even on the political battlefield, but the irritated, charred flesh dominating Shepard's face and throat, along with the red glow of his eyes and orange cracks along his skin only made Shepard look like an image from a nightmare.
"Are you done?" Shepard asked, a little irritated.
I narrowed my eyes at him and he took a step forward, his eyes narrowing as well. Did we have to fight now? Of all times?
"This scares you, right?" Shepard gestured to his sweltering left side.
"You've always scared me, Shepard." My tone lowered to match his. He scoffed a little at my words and pulled down on his robe, exposing more of the harsh pink skin from his left shoulder, across his collarbone, curling around his firm stomach.
I closed my eyes and exhaled quickly, collecting myself, then I looked up and met his eyes hard. "Why are you trying to alienate yourself?" Damn right I was pissed. "Why are you pushing me away?"
"Is it working?" His voice was light, almost comical, but his face remained stony.
What was that supposed to mean?
"What happened out there Shepard? What changed?" I spoke gently, feeling my reserves of patience drying up. Shepard could really push my buttons.
His left hand, the synthetic one, twitched slightly and Shepard reached over to calm it with his dominant. He turned away again and I clenched my fists.
"You're dismissed, soldier." His face and tone was as distant as ever.
I bit the inside of my cheek. "I'm your superior officer Shepard, and I have been... for a while." I shook my head, but before I could step out Shepard's voice stopped me.
"Get some sleep... Kaidan."
I shut the door briskly behind me. I hesitated. I didn't want to leave Shepard, not here, not like this. What if I lost him again? I glared down at my helmet, only to see myself glare back in the visor.
The familiar self-deprivating thoughts were there, rolling around inside my head. The same ones that had been fostered in, yes, BAaT.
How could I have preformed better?
I let my emotions control me again.
Humanity is counting on me.
I blew it.
I ignored them to the best of my ability and brought my helmet up, sealing it in place. With the world tinted again, I kept moving forward.
###
This was the first time I had stood beneath the steadiness of rain, in what felt like years. It had been one of my favorite things to do as a kid. I had always found rain so, so calming, and even now, I could feel my muscles unwinding and my breathing deepen.
I was numb, but that wasn't the rain's doing.
Among the caskets lined up was Admiral Anderson's. Some of my kids were there, some of my co-workers over the years, all of them lined up in neat little rows, ready to be buried. There was a whole group of human and Turian priests, even a few Krogan.
Something about the species coming together like this, to honor the fallen, was a huge step forward. There was no doubt about that.
To my right was Joker, on crutches and crying, sobbing. My thoughts flirted to EDI's mechanical laughter and I quickly shut that down. Left was Tali, arms wrapped around her torso, head down. I wondered who she was thinking of, who she was remembering.
I felt a tap behind me and I turned to James and Cortez slightly. James was dressed up in a suit, looking awfully handsome. He raised his eyebrows and leaned forward to tell me something.
"Shepard's here."
I turned to face the front again and nearly felt sick. Shepard. God, of course he would be here. What did I expect? This would be his first public appearance since, well, before that final battle. It would also be the first time I'd see him since the hospital... or well, talk to him, if he talked to me.
I knew Hackett had been pushing an appearance by Shepard, to boost morale, and what better time than now?
The ceremony finished and people began to trickle away in a sea of black suits and black umbrellas. I knew Hackett would want to speak to me in person and Tali was eager to see Shepard again.
The five of us moved slowly since Joker had trouble walking and sobbing simultaneously. We stood huddled up beneath two umbrellas until Garrus finished with his duties and joined us. He wrapped his arms around Tali and squeezed her lovingly. Liara was still somewhere out there, as well as Jack and Miranda.
There was a contentious stream of soldiers passing us and eagerly shaking our hands, or taking pictures, or asking for autographs while still attempting to remain respectful. My body was amped up on high alert, like we were out in a battlefield. I couldn't relax, not when the enemy was so close.
A group of two umbrellas suddenly made a beeline towards us and I nearly bolted. Cortez noticed and he gripped my bicep reassuringly. I shot him a grim smile and he nodded, releasing me.
It was Hackett, Coats, and a rather soaked Shepard. I didn't need to look at my crew to know their reactions to Shepard's new appearance. His eyes met mine first before skimming over the others.
It bothered me that Shepard wasn't using an umbrella. What if he caught a cold? Or worse? The stubborn idiot.
"Admiral," I saluted Hackett and he waved me off. "Major," I did the same for Coats and he just did that tight lipped thing that was probably a smile.
"It's actually General now." Coats corrected politely.
"Congratulations," I tried to look as happy as possible. Finally, "Commander." Shepard's expression didn't change and he didn't respond.
"We're here to talk business, not chit chat. Come with us." Hackett began walking and I fell in step behind him. Shepard was right beside me, but I didn't mind. Military talk is one thing I understand. It was something I could always get right, there were no hidden variables or trap doors. Military talk was safe.
Admiral Hackett led us to a tent that was set up to shelter people from the rain. Hackett shooed out all the Lieutenants and sat down with a deep sigh on one of the benches. His knee seemed to be acting up again.
"I'm willing to reinstate Shepard as Executive Officer. He passed all the necessary tests and such, of course, this would be purely for aesthetic reasons. The Normandy and it's crew gives citizens hope and that is something we could all use a little of right now," Hackett sighed, "Naturally, the final call is up to you Alenko."
I looked between Hackett and Shepard. I wasn't feeling exactly merciful today and my first thoughts went to the crew and their well being. How would Shepard's presence effect them?
I also sincerely hoped 'necessary tests' included mental health, although I could just pull Shepard's file and check if I thought it was needed.
"Yes, I agree Sir." I nodded politely and Hackett looked glad I had confirmed his thoughts.
My eyes glanced towards Shepard, who looked painfully resigned. It surprised me to discover that I had been expecting that reaction from him.
He didn't want to come back, did he?