"You can have your cabin back if you'd like," I was leaning against one of the empty bunk beds, arms crossed with a slight scowl on my face. That actually bothered me. I shouldn't be scowling, but I hated being in this room. There were so many empty bunks. "No one has touched it since you went... MIA."
Shepard was sitting on a crew bunk, his small duffle bag at his feet. He was in a pair of his old military slacks, which were too big for him now. It was hard to look at
him head on and not see someone else in Shepard's place. A scarred, sad man. Shepard kept his eyes locked on his combat boots.
Besides us, the room was empty.
"Where've you been sleeping?" Shepard asked, toying with his synthetic hand and glancing up.
"I haven't."
He seemed to roll that answer around for a moment before standing and hauling his duffle bag over one shoulder. His strength seemed to be perfectly in order, but I knew he'd purposely shut me out of his rehabilitation process. He didn't want his crew to see him weak.
I nodded and lead him into the hall and towards the elevator. There was no need for me to lead the way, but there was also no reason for this hollow silence, at least not that I was aware of. I punched the call button while Shepard stood at attention, following the mounted plaques on the memorial. I noticed his fist clench slightly.
The names had grown since the last time Shepard was on the Normandy. I glanced at it as well and my eyes immediately went to the same, familiar location. Ashley Williams.
How would things be if that plaque said Kaidan Alenko instead? What if Shepard had saved her instead of me? How much could one decision tip the scales?
"Come on." I said to Shepard as the elevator doors slid open. My voice was tighter than before, and that seemed to tip Shepard off. We stepped inside and he gave me a sharp look, like he knew what I was thinking.
"I chose you. It was logical and she would never allow my feelings to interfere with a mission. She was a soldier. You're a powerful biotic. Simple." Shepard's jaw did his familiar clench and unclench and he flexed his metal hand experimentally, diverting his attention to that instead. "And even after Virmire, I chose you."
That was almost too much. Shepard showing that much affection through words was rare, and I was grateful, but that other bit was disturbing. "You and Ashley talked about a decision like that beforehand?" I could barely contain my outrage.
"Yes." Shepard nearly ground the reply out. I knew he hated talking about Ash, but this wasn't just about Ash.
"And you never thought to ask for my opinion?" I was nearly yelling and my breathing was erratic. I was pissed and I wanted an explanation, because truthfully, I still feel guilty. The elevator doors dinged open and Shepard stepped out, turning to face me.
"It doesn't matter now. The decision was made," Shepard glanced to the side and sighed. The faded lighting highlighted his cheek bones and scarred face. The whole image was very surreal, like something from a painting. "I..." He opened his mouth, but barely any sound came out.
"What?" I asked, irritated. I was surprised to find compassion beneath that anger, but I kept that part hidden.
"When is dinner?" His expression changed quickly, hiding a part of himself as well.
"Should be in a hour or so."
Shepard nodded and turned just as the elevator doors slid shut again. I stood, staring at the metal doors. There was a slight pattern of fingerprints smudged on the reflective surface. I took a small step and wiped the door clean with the edge of my sleeve.
I needed to hit something.
###
"The extranet didnt do them justice. Shepard looks like a Krogan." Tali muttered as she sipped her provisions through a straw. She was referring to Shepard's burns.
Garrus nearly spat out his mouthful of food. "Tali!" He exclaimed, to which Tali chuckled in response and nudged him affectionately. His eyes softened almost immediately.
"Whipped." Cortez whispered to Joker.
Traynor rolled her eyes at Tali. "You're lucky we don't have one of those things on board."
Vega snorted and dropped his bowl between Joker and Cortez. "Where is Loco anyway?"
Liara shrugged in response, looking a little discontent with the contents of her soup, but eating it anyway.
The elevator binged and, as if summoned, I recognized Shepard's distinctly heavy footsteps. The chatter immediately died and Shepard appeared around the corner moments later. He hesitated as he looked over the crew and then wordlessly headed towards the kitchen. He grabbed himself a bowl and globbed some steaming soup inside.
He turned back to us and paused. I realized we were all staring. I didn't bother looking away. Shepard made a split second decision and instead walked away. Glances were exchanged by the crew members and I wondered if I should have grabbed him. Maybe he didn't know where to sit.
Shepard had never really eaten with us to begin with due to more pressing matters, like being on the brink of humanity's destruction. Regardless, I was pretty sure the crew had been looking forward to eating with him tonight.
I'd been looking forward to it as well.
I sipped up the rest of my soup silently. I wasn't hungry, but I could always take more calories. The talking and banter soon picked up again. Things began to get more comfortable again. I looked to my right at the empty seat.
Ashley would always sit to my right. It wasn't a conscious thing, which is why I would always tease her about it.
Normally, Ashley wasn't on my mind this often, but Shepard's comment earlier had me thinking back to times better left alone.
###
"Just because he tipped the scales on Torfan doesn't mean he can just treat people like...shit." Williams was absolutely pissed, which I knew was just a facade. She had the honor to come aboard the SSV Normandy and the Commander wanted her off it. She was covering up her humiliation and hurt with that anger.
"His attitude will change once he realizes you're here to stay." I assured her, snapping off a dusty shin guard and storing it in my locker. Williams sat beside me with a huff and yanked a boot off, setting it on the bench beside her.
We had just returned from Eden Prime maybe forty-five minutes ago. Anderson and Shepard were busy in an urgent conference call with Udina. A murdered Spectre was a big deal, that coupled with the sudden appearance of the Geth had a large portion of the crew in shambles. Thinking about it gave me a headache, or maybe that was just the implant acting up again.
Jenkins was dead and here I was at the cargo bay, taking my suit off like I'd just completed any other mission. Except Gunnery Chief Williams was in his place.
"Once he realizes I'm here to stay? What's so special about Normandy's crew?" Williams was slowly calming down, at least she seemed to be.
"He trusts us." I attempted to explain. I didn't know the man personally or anything, but I'd heard a lot about him and his past from the other recruits and lieutenants. If anything, Shepard had complete justification to be skeptical of people, and aliens for that matter.
Plus he's a biotic, just like me. So I know he's been discriminated against in the past, or worse.
Williams was quiet for a moment. She was obviously mulling something over. I peeled off my breastplate and wiped off a bit of the muck that had splattered across the blue material.
"This guy needs some serious counciling." Williams said decidedly, as if that was the solution to everything.
I couldn't dispute that one.
"Hey, listen Alenko, I know this is a bad first impression, insulting a superior officer and such. Really it's an honor to be here. I promise you won't hear another complaint from this soldier." Her speech was spoken with pure sincerity.
Williams was easy to read, although she obviously didn't know that. I could tell this soldier had some serious guts and drive and it would be best to be on friendly terms with her.
I nodded curtly and she smiled in response.
###
The funny thing is that when I was a kid, I'd look up at the stars and ache to be out there with the spacers and the Alliance. Now that I'm up here looking down at the stars, I see how small I am, how truly insignificant. All I want is to have that innocence back, that passion, that ignorance.
I heard the door slide open behind me and I turned, surprised.
"Hey Jefe," James began, stretching his arms a little which made his shoulder muscles ripple beneath his crew top. His tight shirts are torturous. "Shepard asked for you. He's at the war room."
"Alright, thanks James." I nodded at him and walked towards the door, leaving behind the observation deck's window. James looked around the dark room and then turned to follow me out the door.
"What do you do in there?" He asked plainly as we walked briskly down the hall to the elevator.
"Think." I replied simply. James seemed to mull that over as I waited for the elevator to open.
"I guess I do the same, but when I'm fixin stuff. My mind just starts to wander... you know?" I nodded as I stepped into the elevator and he grinned, "You aren't as weird as I thought, Alenko."
The doors shut just as James cackled. I rolled my eyes, but smiled to myself. There was something comforting in little moments like that. I just wished there was enough time for them to be longer than a few heartbeats.
I checked my Omni-tool. There were a few messages asking for the Normandy to help transport cargo. That was honestly a waste of this war ship. I quickly declined the messages and then waited for the doors to open.
I made my way to the war room, passing Liara and Traynor on the bridge. I shuffled down a few steps and then glanced around the dimly lit room. Where was Shepard?
"Over here Alenko." I looked towards the gruff, but familiar sound of Shepard's voice.
Shepard was sitting on one of the low steps, his head held propped up by his hands. I couldn't see his expression from here and it was uncomfortable being in such open water.
I ventured closer and Shepard gestured for me to come closer. I leaned against the railing in front of him, crossing my legs. He tapped his fingers against his knees, taking his sweet time.
Something about the atmosphere had my heart rate accelerating. Maybe it wasn't the atmosphere... Maybe it was just...
"This isn't how I want things to be between us," Shepard's eyes flicked up to meet mine and it was like all of his inhibitions melted, like he was Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy again. He was a man who had direction and knew how to get whatever he wanted. "Kaidan."
I crossed my arms and frowned again, trying to get my head back. "How is it you want things to be then?" I asked finally.
"How they were before."
Something about the way Shepard said that set me off, like he was implying I was the one who had changed.
"Nothing is the same as before, Shepard." That was the truth, but I didn't have to say it so coldly.
Shepard's confidence didn't falter, not even for a moment, and I was glad about that. "Are you afraid of me?"
"Yes." I replied truthfully.
Shepard started to tap his fingers again just as his jaw did it's thing. I could tell I was starting to get through to him.
"Well, I'm afraid of you, Kaidan."
"Why?" The words slipped out and I clenched my first.
Shepard just kind of watched me, tilting his head slightly. His eyes and scars glowed red familiarly, lighting up the dark slightly. I never thought I'd find those scars comforting. Never.
"Because... you can hurt me." He finally replied.
I couldn't help it. I just started laughing. Shepard's eyes narrowed, but I kept chuckling. I couldn't help it. This whole situation was ridiculous. Shepard was ridiculous.
"What are you going to do about it?" I finally managed to choke out.
Shepard just watched me blankly, calculating if I was being serious or not. "I don't know." He finally replied.
"Okay, well when you figure it out let me know. Until then don't bother." I turned on my heel and jogged up the three steps to the exit, not bothering to glance back. It was fine, because Shepard didn't try to make me stay.
This was ridiculous. What was this game we were playing? Whatever it was doesn't matter. Only a few days ago I thought Shepard was dead. Did scared even really matter? We've been operating on scared almost constantly since that day on Eden Prime.
Maybe I was being unfair to Shepard, what with his intimacy issues and trust issues and... issues. Really though, I was just done with always having to go to him and be let down.