A/N: I figured I'd let you all know that I've been cross posting this fic on AO3 with illustrations for each chapter. I've posted my artwork on Instagram under the username thewinterwells if anyone wants to check them out.
Thanks for the comments and follows!
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Draco woke in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep. He could see Crookshanks sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.
"Can't sleep either?" he questioned. Draco sighed and carefully got out of bed and grabbed his father's journal that had been sitting on top of the chest of drawers. He then quietly left the room and went to the study, where Crookshanks took residence near his feet as Draco opened up the journal. "Hello, father," he said softly, opening up to the third entry. "Who are you?"
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26 November 1970
School is going well. I've been getting good marks and making more friends.
Mr Johansson said he would teach me to drive his car this weekend. I'm excited to learn. I like learning new things.
Alma said that she wants to learn how to drive too. Her father said she had to wait, and she threw a fit. She even put my homework in the bin so I would get in trouble and miss out on learning to drive. I saw her doing it, and now she's not allowed to go to her friend's house for a fortnight.
I feel happy.
~ Daniel
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18 December 1970
I only have a few days until the Christmas holiday. End of term exams should be easy, and then I'll be going home until after the New Year.
I feel excited. I can't wait to see my friends.
~ Daniel
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27 December 1970
My parents got me a new football for Christmas. Sara came over and gave me a new scarf. She told me that I looked handsome, and I kissed her.
I can't believe I kissed her. I was so nervous. She told me to write to her when I go back to England. I get to see her one more time before I leave.
I want to kiss her again.
~ Daniel
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7 January 1970
The new term is going well. My physics teacher says I'm doing exceptional work and should be a mechanical engineer.
I want to be a footballer.
Alma is annoying as ever. She got paint all over my favourite shirt because she said she couldn't find anything else to clean her brushes. I know she did it on purpose just to upset me. I told her she was ugly and she cried.
I don't feel bad.
~ Daniel
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21 January 1971
Today was Alma's twelfth birthday and all her friends came over. Her parents made me babysit five little girls until they got home from work.
It was terrible.
I think one of the girls fancies me because she kept trying to hold my hand.
I got another letter from Sara. She told me to send a picture of myself so she could see my face. I don't have a camera so I'll have to figure something out. I could have mother give her an old photo but knowing my mother, she'll give Sara a picture of me naked in the bath when I was two.
I can't wait for the summer so I can go back home and kiss Sara. I can't stop thinking about her. She's really pretty and let me touch her breasts when we kissed on New Year's. Emma never let me touch her like that when I used to kiss her.
Alma is pounding on my door saying she wants me to watch her open gifts. I didn't get her anything.
~ Daniel
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27 February 1971
I am sad.
~ Daniel
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7 March 1971
The weather is starting to get nicer. I'm glad because I'm going to join a pub league and play as striker with my mates from school.
Anna invited me over to her house this Saturday. She said that her parents won't be home. I told her I would go. I tossed the picture of Sara in the bin. She wrote to me last month and said she was with Erik now. She was ugly anyway. I don't care.
~ Daniel
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10 March 1971
I had sex.
~ Daniel
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24 May 1971
Anna broke up with me. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would be gone all summer.
I don't care. She was a bitch.
~ Daniel
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5 June 1971
I'm on the ferry now. It's so boring but I'm glad to be going home.
Alma told me she was going to go through all of my stuff back at her house claiming that I have drugs hidden somewhere.
I'm not worried.
She won't find them.
~ Daniel
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3 August 1971
Today is my sixteenth birthday and I'm packing my stuff to return to England. I'm glad because Sara was a nightmare all summer. She broke up with Erik and kept trying to get me to be with her. We had sex one time and now she won't leave me alone.
My parents think I'm still a virgin. They keep telling me I should wait to have sex until I'm married but I don't understand why. What if I marry someone and they are terrible at sex? I'd like to know what I'm getting beforehand.
~ Daniel
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14 September 1971
England is the same as before. School is fine. Alma is still annoying.
~ Daniel
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26 September 1971
Mr and Mrs Johansson went on holiday so I have to babysit Alma all weekend. I plan to lock her in her room and smoke some spiff.
~ Daniel
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27 September 1971
Alma and I got high and then we played football in the garden. I will never tell her but she's pretty good at football. She's more fun after a blunt.
~ Daniel
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19 November 1971
I'm going back to England early. My mother is sick.
I'm worried.
~ Daniel
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24 December 1971
It's Christmas. I hate my mother. Why did she have to go?
~ Daniel
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17 January 1971
They let me do extra assignments to get back on track with school. I don't care. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere.
Alma painted me a picture of a cat to cheer me up.
I hate cats.
~ Daniel
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21 January 1972
It's Alma's thirteenth birthday and she told me she wanted to get high and play football in the snow.
I told her to fuck off and she cried.
I feel bad.
~ Daniel
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26 February 1972
I took LSD for the first time two days ago. I think I pissed in George's wardrobe thinking it was a toilet. Then everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. I remember thinking I was dead and then I thought everyone around me was dead but it wasn't real.
My mother is still dead.
~ Daniel
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2 April 1972
Today is Easter and the Johanssons are making me go to church with them. Alma got out of it. She got pissed last night as is throwing up claiming to have a stomach bug. Clever little bitch.
~ Daniel
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21 April 1972
I'm supposed to babysit Alma for the weekend. She's thirteen fucking years old. At least I have a few blunts to share.
~ Daniel
Alma painted me a picture while we were both high. It looks like a cunt but she says it's a flower.
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22 May 1972
I fucked Anna again but we both agreed it was a one-off. I nearly forgot what sex felt like.
It feels good.
~ Daniel
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7 June 1972
I hate being home now. It's difficult without my mother here. Father is already with another woman.
I hate him.
~ Daniel
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23 July 1972
I told my father that I'm not coming back when I go to England in August.
~ Daniel
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3 August 1972
I'm on the ferry going back to England a few days early.
I'm seventeen now.
~ Daniel
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22 August 1972
Alma told me she had a boyfriend and I laughed at her. She punched me right in my stomach and I nearly hit her back.
I can't believe I almost hit a girl. She just irritates me so much. I like her best when she's high and painting pictures of cunts.
~ Daniel
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5 September 1972
I'm in the advanced maths and science program. There's only one girl in the class and she sits next to me. She is pretty and really smart. We are going to the cinema to see a Dracula film. She said her older brother has some spiff we can smoke after. I really like her.
~ Daniel
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6 September 1972
I just got back to the Johanssons. I had to climb through the window because the front door was locked and I forgot my key. Clara's brother had a shite ton of drugs and alcohol for us. He had a girl over. They stayed in his room to fuck.
Clara and I kissed for a while but she said she never had sex before. I told her it was okay and she said she didn't want to have sex with me yet. She gave me a blow job instead. It wasn't very good. I still like her though.
~ Daniel
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21 September 1972
I had sex with Clara and she cried after. I didn't know what to do. I've never had sex with a virgin. Anna wasn't a virgin when I had sex for the first time.
~ Daniel
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10 November 1972
Clara told me that she wants to marry me after graduation.
I broke up with her.
I feel bad but I don't want to marry her.
~ Daniel
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24 December 1972
It's weird still being in England for Christmas. I hope my father is okay.
~ Daniel
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14 January 1973
Alma has a new boyfriend. She's not even fourteen yet. I don't like him.
~ Daniel
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21 January 1973
Today is Alma's fourteenth birthday and her boyfriend broke up with her over the phone.
I feel bad for her. She cried all day. I can hear her crying in her room next door.
I'm going to get her high.
~ Daniel
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22 January 1973
I'm a monster.
~ Daniel
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22 April 1973
I went to church with the Johanssons for Easter today. I don't believe a man died and then came back to life but I do hope that I'm forgiven for what I did.
Alma said it was fine and it's not like I fucked her.
I didn't mean for it to happen. She looked so sad and we both got high and I kissed her. I'm seventeen for fuck's sake and she's a little girl.
She's got another boyfriend now.
I don't like him either.
~ Daniel
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27 April 1973
Alma asked me for advice about sex. She said that she is ready and wants to have sex with her boyfriend. I told her to tell him he has a small cock.
She punched me in the stomach again. I laughed it off but it actually really hurt.
She's pretty tough.
~ Daniel
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4 May 1973
I think I want to be a physics teacher.
~ Daniel
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4 June 1973
Alma broke up with her boyfriend because she said he actually does have a small cock. She said they had sex a total of five times and she didn't orgasm once. I told her to stop talking to me about it.
She didn't.
I feel weird.
~ Daniel
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8 June 1973
Alma has another boyfriend, and I've fucked zero times in the past five months.
I hate her.
~ Daniel
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22 June 1973
I ran into Clara at the park today. She's six months pregnant.
Fuck.
~ Daniel
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28 June 1973
I told Alma about Clara and Alma told me that Clara was sleeping with Jon around the time we broke up.
I did the maths and I don't think it's mine.
Fuck. I don't know what I'll do if it is. I want children someday but not now. And especially not with fucking Clara.
~ Daniel
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5 July 1973
Alma and I got high and played football again. She painted me another picture.
It's a windmill.
~ Daniel
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8 July 1973
I feel conflicted.
~ Daniel
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10 July 1973
Alma's parents are going on another holiday and I'm not upset about babysitting Alma.
I'm nervous.
~ Daniel
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11 July 1973
I slept with her. We didn't have sex but I slept in her bed and we kissed. She still sleeps with a fucking stuffed bear and I kissed her until I came in my trousers. I'm a monster. I don't think she knows what happened. I was too embarrassed to tell her. It's been so long since I've had sex and she's actually really pretty now and I couldn't stop myself.
I don't know what to do. I'm going to be eighteen next month. I'm a terrible person.
~ Daniel
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3 August 1973
Today is my eighteenth birthday. Alma painted me another picture. I asked her if it was another ugly flower and she told me no it's a cunt.
She's going to kill me.
~ Daniel
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17 August 1973
I'm going to Uni so I won't see Alma anymore. I think it's for the best. She has another boyfriend anyway.
Father wrote me a letter. He's getting married.
I wish mother was still alive.
~ Daniel
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18 September 1973
Uni is amazing. I've already shagged three different girls. I like it here.
~ Daniel
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19 December 1973
I'm on the train back to London. I'm excited to see Alma again. I've been seeing a girl named Emily. She's nineteen and likes fucking even more than I do.
Maybe I'll marry her.
~ Daniel
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24 December 1973
Alma got me a Led Zeppelin record for Christmas. I got her a stash of weed.
She said it was her favourite gift.
~ Daniel
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3 January 1974
I'm on the train back to Uni. I'm excited to see my mates and fuck Emily. It's going to be a good year.
~ Daniel
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21 January 1974
It's Alma's fifteenth birthday today. I called her on the phone but her mother said she was out with Colin.
I miss her.
~ Daniel
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15 February 1974
Emily broke up with me because I didn't do anything for Valentine's Day. I told her that it's a stupid holiday and it's not like I was in love with her. She slapped me.
I'm not upset. I only liked her for the sex.
I'm a little upset.
~ Daniel
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28 February 1974
My physics professor invited me to a special club for exceptional students. He's also the head of the entire science department. He's very odd and is often impressed by the most mundane things. My first meeting is tomorrow.
~ Daniel
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1 June 1974
I don't like keeping secrets. I'm not even allowed to write it down. I'm returning to London soon and have to pretend nothing has changed. That I don't know what I know. I feel like I'm going insane.
This is too fucking cool to keep to myself.
~ Daniel
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8 June 1974
It's unusually hot this summer. Alma and I are going to the beach today. She broke up with Colin last month and I'm pretty sure she wants to fuck me.
If she wasn't fifteen I would.
~ Daniel
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9 June 1974
The beach was fun. Making out with Alma was better. I told her we can't have sex because she's too young and she rolled her eyes and said she's already had sex with four different boys. I told her I'm a grown man not a fucking boy and that's why we can't sleep together. I told her we can be friends and she was really happy.
We're friends now.
I feel happy.
~ Daniel
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10 June 1974
Alma and I stayed up all night playing chess and drinking beer. I'm not sure who was even winning by the end. We got so pissed that we got naked and she tried to suck me off but then we both passed out. I'm so glad her parents weren't home to find us in the morning.
I like being with Alma. She makes me laugh again.
I miss my mother.
~ Daniel
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15 June 1974
I hate her.
~ Daniel
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3 August 1974
Today is my nineteenth birthday. I plan to get pissed and fuck the girl who lives across the street.
Alma's boyfriend came over again last night. He's seventeen and speaks French and apparently is so wealthy he doesn't even have to wipe his own arse.
He's a cunt.
~ Daniel
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7 August 1974
I'm going to murder him. I don't care if I go to prison for the rest of my life.
Alma is still asleep and her parents are flying in from Stockholm. I knew he was no good. My fist is still sore from punching his fat jaw. I'm glad I came home in time to stop him from hurting her even more.
She's so beautiful and I hate seeing the bruises all over her face. I feel like it's my fault and I don't know why. I don't know what I would have done if I'd arrived too late. He's so much bigger than her. He could have killed her.
He nearly killed her.
The doctor says she should be waking up soon. I just want to hear her voice to know she's okay. And when she wakes up I'm going to tell her that I care about her. I think she's my best friend.
Alma is my best friend.
~ Daniel
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10 August 1974
Alma came home from the hospital today but the doctor says that she needs to take it easy and rest. I told her I'd stay near to help her. She said she would love that.
I'm worried about going back to Uni in a few weeks. I'm worried about leaving Alma. She seems to always pick the worst men boys. Like she's acting out all the time. I know she doesn't care about them.
I hate seeing her hurt herself. It breaks my heart.
~ Daniel
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3 September 1974
I'm taking the train back to Uni. Alma came with me to see me off. I wanted to tell her how I feel. I didn't realise it until it was time to pack my things. I love her. I don't want to leave her and I don't care about the sex. I can wait until she's older. I just want to be near her and get high with her and kiss her and come in my trousers because she is so fucking beautiful.
I wanted to tell her before I left but I didn't get the chance because she kissed me. She kissed me and told me that she loves me and that she'll wait for me. I kissed her back and told her I would wait for her.
I feel happy.
~ Daniel
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15 November 1974
I'm going to Scotland today. I can't say why. I can't even write it down. If I'm clever enough, I can work around my limitations and write or speak in vague terms. All I can say is that it is physically impossible for me to divulge information pertaining to certain things. If I try, my mouth is glued shut and my brain gets fuzzy.
I've discovered that I can talk and write about my emotions and feelings regarding things.
I feel nervous. I feel excited. I feel honoured that I was selected. I also wonder how many others I encounter know about all this stuff. Some of the people I've met make me feel like I'm less than them because I'm not like them.
I don't give a fuck. They dress like fucking Victorian idiots.
~ Daniel
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22 November 1974
I'm back in England. I think the meetings went well. There are three other people like me that were also interviewed. But on the train back one of them had a glazed look in his eyes and didn't remember anything about what happened. I don't like that. I don't like that these people have such an advantage over me and could simply make me forget.
I'll be going back to London for Christmas in a few weeks. I can't wait to see Alma. We've been talking on the phone nearly every day. I had to tell her that I was on a trip for a week without access to a phone. Which wasn't a lie.
The first thing I'm going to do when I see her is kiss her.
~ Daniel
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21 December 1974
I'm on the train to London.
I feel happy.
~ Daniel
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24 December 1974
I got Alma a hairbrush for Christmas. She gave me a blow job.
I love Yule.
~ Daniel
...
2 January 1975
It's early in the morning and I'm sitting in the study translating physics terms into terms that children with special abilities will understand. My father sent me his father's pocket watch as a gift for Christmas and I've got it set up helping me keep track of the time. I'm taking a break right now.
My brain hurts from thinking in Swedish and writing everything in English. I'm trying to devise a way to explain the force of gravity to someone who can defy said force with a wave of their —. I physically can't write the word because of the unique promise they made me partake in.
Alma is still asleep. And of course she's got that teddy bear still. I guess I shouldn't complain because I still take my wooden car with me everywhere. My mother got it for me when I was three. I don't want to get rid of it. It makes me think of her.
I have to make a confession.
We had sex last night.
I know she's a month shy of sixteen but it just happened. I asked her to marry me after we did it. I know it's pathetic but I love her so much. She said yes and we plan to get married as soon as she's legally old enough. I told her we shouldn't have sex until then and she rolled her eyes at me and said good luck.
I really do want to wait. I hate myself. I'm disgusting.
I didn't even use a condom. I pulled out, though. I would hate to get her pregnant so young. And then her parents would murder me knowing I had sex with her. They think we see each other as siblings.
I do want children someday. If I had a son or daughter, I would ensure they know they're loved. I would teach them to be kind. And if I ever have a son I will tell him not to be like me. I want him to be his own person and learn from my mistakes. I'd tell him that one day he might meet a girl that he hates and then she'll turn his life upside down and he'll find himself doing everything in his power to keep her safe because she'll become his heart outside his chest.
And I know Alma will be a wonderful mother. She's so funny she'll always have our child laughing covered in paint. Messy and beautiful just like her. She'll make them feel loved and cared for. She'll make them feel safe.
She makes me feel safe.
My last line is coming up and I might as well make it count before I move on to my new journal.
Cunt.
~ Daniel Lars Malmström
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Draco slowly closed his father's journal and wiped the tears from his eyes. He'd spent the morning finishing the last few journal entries and knew the others were probably waiting for him. After spending the past few nights sneaking out of the guest room to translate his father's thoughts and feelings, he felt a significant loss now that it was complete. He couldn't help but laugh at his father's crassness and tried not to dwell on the fact that he knew far too much about the man's sex life. Not to mention his mother's.
It also was apparent that his father was involved with the magical community. And using his own admittedly swotty-ness, Draco could infer that his father was most likely working with wizards and witches to teach physics at Hogwarts.
"What the fuck do you think happened, Mr Shanks?" asked Draco as he looked at the cat sitting by his feet.
Crookshanks simply licked his paw and then hacked up a hairball.
"Something bad, then. I – I think you might be right," said Draco, feeling worried. Daniel and Alma didn't seem to be the type to abandon their child. And with his father's last entry, it was clear he wanted children and wouldn't have willingly –
"Draco?"
Draco turned to see Hermione standing in the doorway. "I'm coming," he said as he tidied the desk before following her out of the room.
"Are you alright?" she asked as they moved down the corridor to meet with the others.
"I finished it," he said softly.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like I want to find out what happened to them as soon as possible," he said honestly as they went out the front door to find Hermione's parents and Theo packing up the car.
"Well, tomorrow we'll begin our research at the cybercafe. I'm certain we'll find something," she said reassuringly.
"Come on!" said Theo excitedly. "Mr Granger said I could pick the music."
"I said that you could help me pick the music — I get the final say," said Mr Granger as they all buckled into their seats.
"And I have the right to veto said music," quipped Mrs Granger playfully.
Draco smiled, listening to the group around him talk about what they planned to do when they got to the beach. He carefully pulled out his father's – no, his great-grandfather's pocket watch and opened it to look at the photo of his mother.
"We'll find them," he heard Hermione say softly.
"I hope you're right."