AN: Just in time for the beginning of summer, we have a beach episode! Yep, after the emotional trauma of last time, we could all use a little R&R and just a little fanservice too. But let's not have that distract from what Black Rutile has planned now that she's unleashed what is essentially Bill Cipher, Discord, Mr. Mxyzptlk, Bat Mite, the Collector, and the Beyonder all rolled into one with no shred of morals or care for mortal life, since we already implied last chapter that he convinced Adolf Hitler to become chancellor and start the Nazis. But for now, he's just content to sit back and wait until he can be fully freed by causing chaos like he usually does. And on a related note, I originally intended for Flipso to be voiced by David Tennant, but then the Steven versus Big Jack Horner from Puss in Boots: The Last Wish came along and I figured I could reference those by replacing him with John Mulaney. I think I've been talking too much, let's get on with the show!
Synopsis: As summer begins, Little Homeworld hits the beach.
Cast:
Noël Wells as Black Rutile
John Mulaney as Flipso
Estelle as Garnet
Michaela Dietz as Amethyst, Tiger's Eye
Deedee Magno Hall as Pearl, Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl, Volleyball
Jennifer Paz as Lapis, Laz, Zuli
Shelby Rabara as Peridot, Squaridot
Uzo Aduba as Bismuth
Kimberly Brooks as Jasper
Lauren Ash as White Topaz
Della Saba as Aquamarine
Charlyne Yi as Eyeball
Christine Pedi as Holly Blue Agate
Casey Lee Williams as Cat's Eye
Shanelle Grey as Sally Grove
Amy Sedaris as Teal Zircon
Martha Higerada as Topaz
Gal Gadot as Desert Glass
Willa Holland as Albite
Courtenary Taylor as Beryl
Jinkx Monsoon as Emerald
Hayley Kiyoko as Morganite
Kari Wahlgren as Pyrope
Melissa Fahn as Demantoid
Bill Fagerbakke as Spirit of Competition
Michelle Maryk as Larimar
Ian Jones Quartey as Snowflake Obsidian, Bixbite
Cavetown as Diaspore
Sarah Jessica Parker as Dumortierite
Halsey as Tanzanite
Idina Menzel as Amazonite
Mia Barron as Apatite
Olga Kurylenko as Rasputina
John Kassir as Reginald Johnson
Steven Universe Alternate Future: Little Homeworld Life
Chapter 19: Fun in the Sun
Summer had finally begun, and right off the bat, it seemed like the hottest day of the year. However, that did not deter Black Rutile as she worked with Rasputina to research the powers of Flipso further, all while Flipso gave some running commentary by reminiscing on his past deeds.
"And the moral of the story is never use a volcano as a barbecue pit." Flipso finished another story of the chaos he created in eons past. "And that was the story of how I accidentally destroyed Pompeii! Those silly Romans didn't know what had happened! I thought I learned my lesson, but then I tried doing it again with Mount St. Helens. Eh, it doesn't matter to me either way; a volcano's a volcano, and a dead body is a dead body."
"I did not expect him to be this casual towards exterminating innocent lives." Rasputina commented on Flipso's comedic levels of apathy towards his sociopathic actions. "I thought he was just going to be a funny, obnoxious trickster."
"Well, appearances can be deceiving." Black Rutile replied. "Now then, it says here that in order to restore Flipso's physical form, only those with the blackest of hearts are considered worthy to receive his godlike powers." This reading from Flipso's page began piquing her interest. "Godlike powers, huh? If I had abilities of that caliber, I could use them to erase Steven from existence and rule unopposed!" Suddenly, there was a loud knocking at the door. "Someone's coming, hide!"
Just as Flipso and Rasputina vanished, White Topaz kicked in the door to Black Rutile's house with urgent news. "Black Rutile, you gotta come outside! The Crystal Gems have a big announcement to make!"
"They're finally outlawing Era 3 because I was right all along, and they're giving me special permission to execute Steven on live television?!" Black Rutile excitedly asked, much to White Topaz's dismay. "Come on, a Gem can dream!"
"No, they got something really fun planned!" White Topaz explained. "Everybody's talking about what to do for summer; you should come and see!"
"But I was busy with something!" Black Rutile whined in dismay as she looked back at her research. "Okay, fine, I'll see what you want to do, but count me out!"
"Yep, count me out." Black Rutile grumbled as the Gems of Little Homeworld gathered around the Warp Pad to hear what the Crystal Gems had to say.
"We're going to the beach, and you're all invited!" Pearl excitedly announced, to the eagerness of everyone around them.
"Spending time with my greatest enemies, the very reason my life is ruined?" Black Rutile frowned. "In your dreams, you putrid fascists!"
"Hey, cut the backtalk already!" Amethyst said to Black Rutie." You've been awfully stressed out lately, so this could be a chance for you to kick back and relax a little!"
"You're the reason I'm so stressed, you idiots!" Black Rutile yelled just as Garnet tried calming her down with a firm shoulder rub. "Stop touching me without my consent!"
"You see, this is what we mean." Garnet calmly advised the Rutile terrorist. "You're under a lot of stress at the moment, and we're looking for ways to help you calm down more. Please, just let us help you for once."
"Yeah, and we'd thought that maybe getting you involved in some relaxing activities could help you out." Lapis agreed with Garnet. "And who knows? Maybe you'll finally see how great Earth can be as well."
"I highly doubt it." Jasper rolled her eyes in response.
"See, she gets me!" Black Rutile agreed with Jasper before she saw Flipso emerge from behind her. "And what do you want?"
"Frankly, I think you should chillax for a bit." Flipso suggested. "Get a little breather from researching yours truly! In fact, how much of your hot brown morning potion have you had lately?"
"A little too much for me to count." Black Rutile replied, even though, at the moment, she was the only one who could see Flipso and make her look like she was talking to herself. Gawking at the sight, Jasper turned to Aquamarine and Holly Blue with a thumb pointed at the Rutile while the two blue Gems just shrugged to try and keep up the illusion.
"Maybe I could use a break now and then." Black Rutile admitted. "Fine, I'll go along with your little trip. But I won't like it!" The other Gems began cheering in delight, much to Black Rutile's annoyance. "I'm not liking it already."
"I can bring you in warm, or I can bring you in cold." Teal Zircon said dramatically as she pointed a water gun straight at Diaspore's face. "Your choice, rebel scum."
"Draw!" Diaspore yelled back while pulling out a water gun of her own to fire at Teal Zircon, starting a playfully intense water-fight between the two. All around the duo, Gems of all shapes and sizes littered the beach, either playing in the sand or enjoying the water. All of them were having the summertime of their lives, all except for one.
"Yes, yes. You all have your fun, you fools." Black Rutile, now dressed in a white rash guard and black shorts, glowered as she sulked on a beach towel under an umbrella. "I'll be hiding away here where no one else can find me plotting."
"Hey, Black Rutile!" Lapis exclaimed, making Black Rutile yelp in surprise before turning to face the blue Gem, who had swapped her usual ensemble for a blue and white one-piece with a white skirt. "Sorry to give you a scare. I just wanted to check up on you."
"Well, I shouldn't be any of your beeswax or whatever they say!" Black Rutile scowled at the terraformer. "Now go away!"
"You know, you could do tons of stuff with us." Lapis said as she pointed towards some of the Gems' activities. "Like surfing, for example."
"WHOO, COWABUNGA!" Zuli shrieked delightfully as she rode the wave in a yellow crop top and shorts.
"Yeah, keep it going!" Laz, dressed in a dark blue one-piece, cheered her bestie on as she recorded the whole thing.
"Volleyball." Lapis continued while Jasper and White Topaz were engaged in a volleyball game against Blue and Yellow Pearl.
"SPIKE!" Yellow Pearl yelled vigorously as she spiked the ball right into Jasper's face.
"Uh, Yellow, I'm pretty sure you're taking this a little too seriously." Blue Pearl meekly said as Jasper got back up from the counterattack.
"She's not taking it seriously enough!" Jasper responded before throwing the ball back.
"Get 'em, darling!" White Topaz said excitedly.
"Sandcastle building." Peridot stood above the beach atop a massive sandcastle and looked down on everyone below her. "KNEEL BEFORE ME, CLODS! FOR I STAND ON HIGH; THEREFORE, I AM FAR TALLER THAN ALL OF YOU!"
"Hey, get off my sandcastle, Peridot!" Morganite yelled at Peridot from the base of the castle. "I worked very hard on this and do not want anyone taking credit!"
"Look, Morganite; I'm making a little home for the crabs!" Volleyball giggled as she dug a little hole in the sandcastle to put some crabs in.
"Don't encourage her, Pearl!" Morganite grumbled angrily.
"Some of them are even breaking watermelons." Demantoid tied a blindfold around Tanzanite before handing her a club and spinning her around.
"Are you sure nobody will get hurt?" Tanzanite asked as she stopped spinning and began walking around the beach searching for the watermelon.
"Just trust us and follow my voice." Pyrope assured the purple Gem. "Now then, step a little to the right. No, my right. No, that's right!" Despite the former aristocrat's orders, Tanzanite didn't seem to pay attention. "Are you even listening to me right now?!"
"Ah, I think this is it!" Tanzanite exclaimed before bonking Apatite on the head with the club.
"Watch where you're pointing that thing." Apatite scolded Tanzanite rather nonchalantly.
"You know, all of those do sound enticing," Black Rutile said. "but I think I'm just content with staying here for right now. Now shoo, shoo!"
"Okay, your loss." Lapis said before she flew away, just as Flipso magically appeared beside Black Rutile in a deck chair of his own, wearing a red floral-pattern Hawaiian shirt and drinking out of a coconut.
"Aloha, chum!" Flipso greeted Black Rutile. "Heard you guys were headed for the beach. Frankly, I can see why because, lord almighty, I can feel the temperature rising!" He emphasized his point by summoning a thermometer that immediately burst from the heat. "So, anything you want to do together, Cherie?"
"Not interested." Black Rutile turned down Flipso's offer, much to his dismay, as she turned on her tablet to talk with Sally Grove.
"Aw, you're no fun!" Flipso whined like a petulant child. "I thought you would be the black heart that I needed to get outta this joint, but instead, you're all about rules and control and such! That just ain't my thing!"
"Shut up, I'm talking here!" Black Rutile shushed Flipso before talking with Sally. "Hello, Sally. How are you dealing with this heatwave?"
"I'm doing well. It won't stop me from making videos." Sally replied. "I got some new ones on the pipeline this summer, like 'Bisexual People are Just Straight People with Extra Steps,' 'Eduardo Suarez is a Bad President,' and one I think you'd love, 'Steven Universe is a Garbage Person and Here's Why.'"
"Send me the script for that last one!" Black Rutile suggested eagerly while Flipso impatiently waited to be paid attention to again.
"Oy jevalt, this beach day became such a bore!" Flipso moaned in disappointment just as he got an awful idea. "How about we liven up the joint a bit?" With a sinister cackle, he clapped his hands to make some mischief come to life.
"So, what do you think we should do for group activities next, girls?" Pearl asked the other Crystal Gems while adjusting her sunhat. "Maybe an art show or a sports competition?"
"Oh, I'd love the first one!" Peridot eagerly kicked her legs at the idea. "I just need someone to help me out with a meep morp!"
"You know, I never quite got why you call art that word." Bismuth stated. "I mean, why not call it what it is?"
"It's called having a sense of humor, Bismuth, doy!" Lapis replied frustratedly when they all heard a loud rumbling sound. "What was that?"
"Uh, guys. I think you're gonna need to see this." Amethyst said as a giant crab monster emerged from the ocean, spooking everyone on the beach while a white pony fighting it with a sword fell off the creature's back and into the portal where they came from.
"That crab is making me really scared!" Teal Zircon yelled in fright as she tightly held onto Beryl. "But also really hungry!"
"What are we gonna do?!" Beryl added just as the Crystal Gems sprang into action. "Hooray, here they come to save the day!"
"Amethyst, get everyone to safety! Pearl, find a potential weak point!" Garnet began giving orders. "Lapis, Peridot, Bismuth, Jasper, and White Topaz are all with me!"
"Aye, aye, captain!" White Topaz gave a hearty salute before whipping her brass knuckle gauntlet to punch at the crab's leg. "How do you like that, Sebastian?! You must be really hoping to get back down where it's wetter, huh?!"
"What is going on here?!" Holly Blue yelled as she, Cat's Eye, Aquamarine, and the Rubies watched the other Gems fight the crab monster, all while Black Rutile and Flipso sat back with some popcorn and drinks.
"Wherever that thing came from, keep it as far away from my bikini as possible!" Cat's Eye meowed while showing off her athletic body in a bright orange two-piece. "I wouldn't dare have that thing slobber all over me and pinch me to pieces!"
"Is this your friend's doing?" Aquamarine asked, pointing to a relaxing Flipso.
"Wassup?" Flipso smiled while throwing up a peace sign. "I just felt like livening up the joint since someone would rather not pay attention to me!"
"So that's it, you just want attention?" Eyeball responded to the chaos god's announcement. "Well, I can see why that librarian kept you locked up for so long."
"Ah, hush up, this is gonna get good!" Flipso replied with a mouthful of popcorn as he watched the Gems gain the upper hand on the crab beast.
"Lapides, now!" Jasper commanded Lapis, Laz, and Zuli to restrain the massive crustacean with water chains. "Larimar, make sure she doesn't try and break out!"
"What can I do?" Desert Glass asked Jasper.
"I don't know, bury this thing or something!" Jasper yelled. As the Lapides and Larimar used their water and ice powers to keep the crab from moving, Desert Glass commanded the sand beneath her sandal-clad feet to slowly sink the crab into the ground before burying it beneath, making sure that it wouldn't break out and hurt anyone again. "It is over, finished."
"Wow, these Gems sure got a lot of moxie!" Flipso applauded Desert Glass's efforts as the other Gems cheered in celebration. "But, still, that was a little anticlimactic. I mean, what's stopping that thing from breaking out? We just gonna shove it into the sea or something?"
"Let's not bother ourselves for now." Black Rutile replied. "But right now, I think we could put your powers to good use."
Once the crab was dealt with, everything returned to normal as the Gems returned to their beach activities. Well, as normal as a beach day, being haunted by a chaotic spirit can get, anyways. Flipso haunted everyone's shadows, ogling some of the Gems in their swimsuits as he brainstormed ideas for his next plot.
"Hm, I have to say, these Gem babes don't look half bad." Flipso mused to himself. "But I wonder if they even talked about who was hotter? Ooh, delightfully devilish, Flipso! Yer old papa Jestrix would be proud!" With a snap of his fingers, Flipso brought forth a strange pink blob-like creature with a very dopey voice. "Hey, Spirit of Competition, my man! Glad you could come!"
"Uh, what do you need me for, Flipso?" the Spirit of Competition asked Flipso.
"Well, I gotta ask two things. First," Flipso summoned a crowbar and began beating the Spirit senseless with it. "WHERE'S MY MONEY, YOU STUPID WAD OF GUM?! YOU WANT ME TO START A HOTLINE FOR PEOPLE TO VOTE ON WHETHER I CAN KILL YOU OR NOT?!"
"I promise I'll get your money; just please leave me alone!" the Spirit of Competition wailed. "What else did you need me for?!"
"Glad you asked, sonny!" Flipso smiled before presenting the Spirit with all the beautiful women around them. "Behold, some very gorgeous gals! Just look at them, by gummity!"
"Yeah, they're hot!" the Spirit drooled amorously. "What do you want me to do?"
"Listen, I got a friend who needs to have the heat taken off her, and I summoned you to help distract these babes." Flipso stated. "Think you're up to the challenge? I'll give you some free mortal food out of this."
"Ooh yeah, I love making people challenge each other!" the Spirit of Competition exclaimed happily. "And I think I know just the thing to do!" With a determined look on its face, the Spirit leaped towards Emerald and began assimilating itself into her body to control her mind for a bit.
"Maybe you're right." Emerald admitted to Amazonite. "Maybe there is a good-minton." Then the Spirit began taking over her body, symbolized by her eyes turning a dark shade of pink and her gem taking on a slight pinkish glow. "But you know what else is good? This body!" She stood up and forced Amazonite to admire her muscles in her lime green bikini. "Look at this perfectly sculpted form! Gaze upon it, I say!"
"Emerald, are you okay?" Amazonite asked as she slowly backed away from the suddenly changed ex-pilot. "You seem a lot more overconfident than usual."
"Oh please, you're getting too cocky, Emerald." Pyrope challenged Emerald while flaunting her body in her tight pink one-piece. "I got soft curves for days here!"
"Geez, are we really starting a contest here?" Apatite smirked before showing off her red swimsuit. "Because we all know who the winner is here. That's right, ol' Shortstack herself!"
"Well, why don't we make it a contest?!" Albite exclaimed. "Most attractive Gem on the beach shall win…..uh….." She began thinking about what the prize should be. "I don't know, the undying respect and admiration of her opponents?"
"YEAH!" Tanzanite loudly agreed, followed by the other Gems, while the Crystal Gems watched gobsmacked at what was going on, and Black Rutile's smile widened with intrigue.
"So this is his idea of fun, exploiting beautiful women?" Black Rutile purred curiously. "His powers just get curiouser and curiouser."
As the beauty contest began with Zuli, Pyrope, Emerald, Garnet, Desert Glass, Apatite, Blue Pearl, and Cat's Eye as contestants, with Amethyst, Teal Zircon, and Yellow Pearl as judges, this gave Black Rutile the perfect opportunity to conduct her research in private while everyone was distracted.
"Rasputina, get over here!" Black Rutile called for the sorceress, who appeared before her dressed in a black bandeau bikini with a matching sunhat and sunglasses. "You've been waiting to join us on the beach, have you?"
"What gave it away?" Rasputina nonchalantly asked before sitting down next to Black Rutile. "What have you gathered on Flipso so far?"
"It seems that at the moment, Flipso can only conjure things into existence with a snap of his fingers." Black Rutile analyzed. "But if he were to restore his physical form, his abilities could cause the breakdown of all reality as we know it!"
"Exactly!" Flipso replied. "Also, how you doin'? Care for a little candlelight dinner later?"
"Get bent." Rasputina snarked at the god before looking at Black Rutile surfing Yatter. "So what's this supposed to be?"
"Some kind of right-wing human that Sally led me to." Black Rutile said. "Some guy named Reginald Johnson who leads an anti-Crystal Gem white supremacist group because he thinks they're 'toxic feminists' who will lead to humankind's destruction. Take a look at this." She clicked on a video of a stereotypical Southerner in a ten-gallon hat, a wifebeater covered in bandoliers, and a bushy beard sitting at a desk.
"Now you may be wondering, how could I hate a group of people I've never met who probably don't know I exist?!" Reginald Johnson ranted on the video. "Well, I don't like what they're putting in the Earth that turns the freaking rocks gay! Do you understand that?! They're no better than those mentally ill preschoolers who think they're fighting climate change or everyone who says I can't have a crush on this fictional candy mascot!"
As Reginald continued, Black Rutile, Flipso, and Rasputina were just about to start laughing. "Well then, whose bright idea was it to depict the candy as a beautiful woman, huh?! The world is a cruel parent but an effective teacher too. Its final lesson is carved deep into our psyches: that the world, and all its people, are diseased! Free will is a joke because we'll all soon become nothing more than mindless puppets for the minorities of this world!"
"Okay, I think that's enough racism for today." Flipso muttered before shutting off the video. "This guy has potential! It's a wonder that Sally babe has so much interest in him; they're almost alike!"
"That's not untrue." Rasputina nodded in reply. "They are both openly prejudiced against the norm, but Reginald is a stereotypical right-winger while Sally is just an opinionated cynic."
"Okay, this is becoming a little unorthodox." Pearl commented as she watched the beauty contest continue. "First the crab monster, and now this? What's the meaning of this?"
"Shall we get to the bottom of this?" Peridot suggested. "I think Black Rutile might have something to do with everything happening today."
"I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case." Pearl agreed. "Hello, Black Rutile? Can you come over here, please?"
"Oh no, they're onto us!" Flipso animatedly chattered his teeth in fright. "What do we do? What do we do?!"
"You're the reality-warping horror beyond man's comprehension; you do something!" Black Rutile exclaimed, shaking the creature by its shoulders and forcing him away.
"Okay, if I were a Gem, what could possibly distract me?" Flipso began thinking of another plan while looking towards the Spirit of Competition, still attaching itself to Emerald like a symbiote. "Hey, Compy! Give me a lift here!"
"Sorry, I'm in the middle of something. Be there in a bit!" the Spirit of Competition said before making Emerald strike some model poses for the audience. "Whoo, work it, baby!"
"Well, looks like I'm in a rut here." Flipso proclaimed in defeat when he noticed Pearl making her way through the contestants searching for Black Rutile. "Indiana Jones, I hope you're watching!"
With a snap of Flipso's fingers, the judges turned their gaze to Pearl and made their decision. "And the winner is Pearl!" Amethyst exclaimed. "Wait, what?"
"I'm the winner?" Pearl gasped in shock just as Black Rutile scurried away.
"She's the winner, I guess." Yellow Pearl added.
"More like I'm the winner!" Flipso laughed victoriously as everyone slowly agreed that Pearl was a last-minute shoo-in.
"I mean, Pearl certainly is very cute." Blue Pearl realized, making the other Pearl blush. "She deserved to win."
"I'll allow it!" Emerald remarked in defeat before walking away.
"Congratulations, Pearl." Garnet said while giving Pearl a hearty pat on the shoulder. "I didn't know you had it in you."
"I swear, Black Rutile is up to something, and this contest was a part of it!" Pearl exclaimed.
"Pearl, Black Rutile is up to a lot of things." Bismuth replied. "You need to be more specific."
Soon, the sun began to set on Beach City, meaning it was almost time for everyone to go home. However, everybody was hesitant to leave so soon, so to counter this, Garnet got the idea of starting a bonfire to end the day.
"There, nice and toasty." Garnet said as the Gems gathered around the fire.
"Yes, this isn't half bad." Morganite agreed with Garnet while putting her hands out towards the flame. "It's just nice to have some time to relax once in a while."
"So, anything else we should do before we leave?" Snowflake Obsidian asked.
"Ooh, let's tell each other scary stories!" Bixbite suggested.
"Been there, done that." Dumortierite said.
"Anyone else got an idea?" Tiger's Eye added.
"I feel like roasting the heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep boiled in its own stomach over the fire." Teal stated, much to the disgust of everyone else.
"Delicious!" Larimar agreed with Teal, grossing everybody out even more.
"Weirdos." Squaridot muttered.
"We could sing songs together." Topaz made her own suggestion.
"Great idea Topaz and I know just the one!" Pearl exclaimed before she pulled Steven's ukulele from her gem and started to play. "Isn't this such a beautiful night? Whoa, we're underneath a thousand shining stars. Isn't it nice to find yourself somewhere different? Whoa, why don't you let yourself just be wherever you are?"
Black Rutile rolled her eyes not too far from the bonfire as the song continued. "Look at this place; look at your faces. I've never seen you look like this before. Isn't it nice to find yourself somewhere different? Whoa, why don't you let yourself just be wherever you are?"
"Aw, look at the adorable mom friend." Flipso smirked at Pearl's performance while the Gems began clapping along. "Too bad I'm gonna have to obliterate her soon."
"You got that right." Black Rutile proclaimed.
"Look at this place; look at your faces. They're shining like a thousand shining stars. Isn't it nice to find yourself somewhere different? Whoa, why don't you let yourself just be wherever you are?" Pearl continued singing into the night. "Why don't you let yourself just be somewhere different? Whoa, why don't you let yourself just be whoever you are?"
Aw, that was a pretty wholesome ending and a much-needed breather from all the drama of last chapter. But don't think we'll be devolving into quote-unquote "filler episodes" when we only have six to seven chapters left of story to go through! I mean, some mix of Alex Jones, Tucker Carlson, Ben Shapiro, and Will Harangue has caught the attention of Black Rutile, in addition to the unholy love child of Lily Orchard and Mindy Kaling's Velma already on her side! What could possibly come from three sociopaths coming together? Well, we'll just have to find out soon because in the meantime, Holly Blue takes the spotlight as the Famethyst visit Little Homeworld. Given how I've been tormenting Holly her entire stay here, this should be fun.