Chapter 3: Matt

In your time as a Detective Sergeant, you've seen quite a lot of things that can only be described as disturbing, strange, unsettling, etc. Consequently, you've accrued a mild paranoia for quite a few odd things, like, for example, having one's kidney surgically removed and stolen in the middle of London. You're fairly certain that you don't really have to worry about that one in particular, but ever since that case, you've never been quite comfortable with ruling it out. Nonetheless, though, there are very few things that you would admit to being genuinely afraid of. Being a father is one of them. But it's one you're going to have to face.

You and Alesha have been married nearly a year now, and you know without a doubt that this is the only thing you've ever wanted and needed in life. You have Ronnie, your best mate and surrogate father, and you have Alesha, the most incredible woman in the world, who for some reason that you can't quite fathom decided to marry you. And in just a few months, you'll have… a baby. An actual living, breathing, tiny, helpless person, who relies entirely on Alesha and on you. And you're not so certain that that's really the best of ideas, because there are things a father is supposed to do, aren't there? You're pretty positive that there are; the problem is figuring out what they are. After all, your own father wasn't exactly what you'd call a role model. Well, not unless you want a role model for drunkenness and subsequently violent behavior. Because that's all you really remember about him. A lot of alcohol and a lot of fear and a lot of pain. When he wasn't drunk, he almost always ignored you. So. What is it that a father does, again? You'd better figure it out fast…

The day Alesha told you she was pregnant, you could tell she was worried about something. Because of your jobs, both of you spend a significant amount of time listening to people lie. Consequently, when you're at home, you make a special, conscientious effort to be entirely open and honest with each other. As such, it's always easy for either of you to see when the other has something especially momentous or worrying to report. So you swallowed your own nervousness, took her hands, kissed the tip of her nose, and asked what was wrong.

Her answer was nothing. Nothing was wrong. It was just… big. Huge, actually. Because she was pregnant.

You knew her reluctance to tell you had been because she was nervous about how you would feel. She was well aware of your childhood issues, and that they had left you all but terrified of starting a family of your own. But before you married Alesha, you agreed that if the two of you were meant to have children, then you would have children. You, personally, wouldn't do anything to hinder the process, no matter how apprehensive you were. And now it had happened. But you didn't want her to think you were unhappy. Honestly, you weren't. You were excited at the idea of a baby… just not one that relies quite so heavily on you. That didn't matter, though. It wasn't the time to worry. It was the time to hug your wife and to let yourself be excited and to worry about what a baby would actually mean… sometime later.

Well… it's sometime later. And to be perfectly honest, you're panicking. Alesha is so big now, and she looks absolutely gorgeous. You always thought that "pregnant glow" that people talked about was a myth, but in Alesha's case, it's absolutely true. And she's just so happy, you can't help but feel happy too when you're around her. It's when she's not there that's the problem, because that's when everything starts to fall apart. You can't do this. You don't know how. You'll only screw everything up. You can't do this.

You'll never be able to forgive yourself if you hurt your child the way your father hurt you. God, that thought alone is terrifying. What if your son or daughter ends up carrying the same scars of the same kind of broken childhood that you carry now?

"Matt!"

You jump, startled, as Alesha enters the room. You hadn't heard her come in. "Everything all right, love?"

She watches you closely. "I could ask you the same thing."

"I'm fine," you assure her hastily. "What's going on?"

She smiles brilliantly. "The baby's kicking! You have to feel this!" She takes your hand and presses it against her rounded stomach.

There's a brief pause, during which you hold your breath nervously – and then you feel something, a quick, small bump against your palm. That's really a baby in there – your baby. And suddenly, you can't hide it anymore.

Pulling Alesha into your arms, you hold her tightly and rest your forehead against hers. She holds onto you just as tightly, and you know she can feel your fear. She's waiting for you to be ready to talk about it on your own. Finally pulling back just enough to look her in the eye, you break the silence.

"What if I can't do this, 'Lesh?"

She presses a hand to your cheek, her fingertips brushing your hair. "Oh, Matt…" She sits on the couch and pulls you down next to her, pulling you close. "I know what you're afraid of, sweetheart. Believe me, I do. And I know there's not much I can say to make you feel any better. But I just want you to know… I believe in you." She kisses you softly, and then looks you in the eye for a long moment. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes," you answer earnestly.

"Okay. Then since I believe in you, and you trust me, please, Matt… just try to believe in yourself. All right? I just want you to be able to believe in yourself the way I believe in you."

You don't know if you can. Honestly, you don't know if you can find that kind of faith in yourself. But you'll try for her.

"I'll try. I promise."

~ LOUK ~

The baby is coming. The baby is coming. Oh God oh God oh God the baby is coming. You can feel the panic welling up inside of you again, and this time, with the actual birth so near, you can't seem to find a way to control it. As a matter of fact, it's gotten so bad that Alesha's doctor actually asked you if you were okay the last time she was in the room, and the nurse who comes in to check on her periodically keeps giving you odd looks. You don't want to be this afraid. Alesha's the one having the baby, she's the one who's dealing with the real pain here, and yet you're the one who's consciously fighting not to hyperventilate.

You jump about a mile when your phone vibrates in your pocket, and you don't miss Alesha's pitying smile as you pull it out and check your messages.

"Ronnie's here." Is that really your voice? That doesn't sound like your voice.

"He's here now?"

"Yeah. Right outside in the waiting room."

Alesha squeezes your hand. "Go see him."

"Are you sure?"

She manages to laugh. "The baby's not about to fall out of me. I'm pretty sure you've got some time." You're still reluctant to leave, but she insists. "Matt, I can tell you're panicking. When this actually happens, I'm gonna need you to not be panicking. So go talk to your dad. He'll help you. Okay?"

"My dad?" you repeat with a slight smile.

She raises an eyebrow and switches over to what you've deemed her 'lawyer voice.' "Do you deny it, Mr. Devlin?"

"Mister?" you ask with mock indignation, heading for the door. "It was DS Devlin last time I checked." Then, just before the door closes behind you, you add, "And no… no, I don't."

Just as he'd said, Ronnie is waiting for you in the room down the hall. When he sees you, you can tell he's tempted to tease you for being so nervous, but then, when he registers the very real fear in your eyes, he doesn't. Instead, he reaches out and grips your shoulder bracingly.

"Why are you so scared, Matty?" he asks softly.

"Why?" you repeat incredulously. "Because Alesha's right down that hallway about to have my baby. Because I don't have the slightest clue how to be a dad. Because my father was a bastard, and I'm bloody terrified of turning out just like him!" By the time you finish, you're breathing heavily and your heart is racing, all but having a genuine panic attack. Ronnie doesn't say anything. He just pulls you into a tight hug.

"I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, son. Nobody automatically knows how to be a dad. It doesn't matter if you had a proper dad of your own or not; nobody knows what they're doing. And Matt…" He pulls back, his hands resting on your shoulders as he looks you in the eye. "I have never met anyone in my entire life who is less likely to hurt a child. All right? Just the fact that you're so worried about it tells me that it won't happen." He hugs you again. "I'm a dad. Hell, I'm practically your dad. I know you. I know what you are and what you aren't. And I know that any child would be lucky to have you for a father."

You let out a breath you didn't know you'd been holding, and Ronnie grins, tousling your hair affectionately. You can't help laughing. "Cut it out, Dad," you say, emphasizing the last word.

He laughs, too. "See? You'll be fine. Now get back in there and hold your wife's hand."

~ LOUK ~

"It's a girl!"

You can't believe it. There's a nurse standing there right in front of you, holding your baby. Your little baby girl. She's absolutely gorgeous – the baby, not the nurse. The thought makes you laugh nervously, and the nurse once again has a reason to look at you strangely. You really wish you could stop giving her the opportunity to do that.

By the time you've terminated this train of thought, the baby is wrapped up in a light pink blanket and the nurse is depositing her in her mother's arms. Alesha's never looked so beautiful. You can tell she's exhausted, worn out, and still in pain, but the smile on her face when she looks at your newborn daughter is practically angelic. You don't know what to do, so you settle for squeezing Alesha's hand, the smile on your face mirroring hers, silently telling her how proud you are and how much you love her.

And then, all too soon, she says the words you've been nervously awaiting since the day you found out you were going to be a father.

"Do you want to hold her?"

"I… I don't… " You fumble for words, suddenly at a loss.

Alesha shakes her head, gives you a pitying smile. "Matt. It's okay. I promise."

"But what if – what if I drop her or something?" you blurt out.

She lets out a frustrated, slightly amused huff. "Take the baby, Matt. Everything will be fine. Okay? Just hold her for a minute or two."

Reluctantly, you reach out and allow her to place the baby in your arms. You take her awkwardly at first, not entirely certain of what to do – and then she begins to fuss quietly, upset at the sudden loss of her comfortable position, and you automatically cradle her against your chest, holding her securely. She calms almost immediately, nestling against this new source of warmth. You can't help staring in amazement. You've never seen anything so perfect. You brush a fingertip over one of her tiny hands, and her little fingers grasp at yours, holding onto you tightly.

"Oh my God…" You gasp faintly, and your vision blurs as tears suddenly fill your eyes, countless emotions fighting for dominance as your daughter holds your hand.

When you finally look up at Alesha, her own eyes are shining as well. "Do you feel like a dad yet?"

You're not even bothering to try to check the tears flowing down your cheeks. "Yeah," you manage finally. "Yeah, I do."

~ LOUK ~

It's been a few hours now since your daughter was born. Alesha and the baby are both asleep. The nurse told you you don't have to hold her the entire time she naps, but you can't bring yourself to put her down. So now you're sitting in a rocking chair by the window with your feet up on the sill, still holding your little girl. The nurse had just left, and for once, she didn't look at you as if there was something wrong with you. This time, she had smiled understandingly and left you alone with your family.

Your family. It's amazing how beautiful that sounds. You've never had any real sense of the word before, and now that you do, it's nearly overwhelming. You have a family now, a proper one: an incredible wife, a perfect little daughter, and a surrogate father who's so much more of a dad than your real father ever was. For the life of you, you can't remember why it was that you were so afraid. This is everything you've ever wanted.

You're slightly startled when the baby begins to fuss, waking up from her nap. You know she's not hungry or in need of a diaper; Alesha fed her and you changed her just before the two of them fell asleep.

"What's wrong, Little One?" you whisper softly, rocking her gently. "You didn't want to wake up, is that it? I know that feeling." You press a light kiss to the top of her head. "You can go back to sleep. It's okay." She continues to squirm, whimpering quietly. "Okay… well, um…" What was it that people did to get babies to go to sleep? Sing to them, you suppose. Now if only you could remember any of the things that were traditionally sung to babies. Seriously, anything. Anything at all.

Nothing comes to mind. Well, except for one thing. It's not exactly a lullaby, but it'll do.

"Siúlaigí a chairde, siúlaidh liom, mar cheo an tsléibhe uaine ag, imeacht go deo. D'ainneoin ár dtuirse leanfam an tslí thar chnoic is thar ghleannta go deireadh na scríbi.

"Seo libh a chairde is canaidh liom, líonaigí'n oíche le greann is le sport. Seo sláinte na gcarad atá imithe uainn mar cheo an tsléibhe uaine, iad imithe go deo."

"What is that?"

You look up, startled, to see that Alesha is awake. "It's… well, I don't really remember, to be honest. I don't even remember when I learned it. It's Gaelic."

"Do you remember what it means?"

"Not really," you admit. "In English it's called 'Wander My Friends.' I think the words are actually kind of sad, but… well, I didn't think she'd mind." You glance down at your daughter, again fast asleep in your arms.

"It's beautiful," Alesha says quietly, giving you a small smile. She holds out a hand, and you reach out to take it. "I told you you'd be a great dad."

You suddenly feel choked up again. "Thank you. For believing in me. For loving me. For everything."

She presses your hand to her lips, kissing the tips of your fingers. "I love you, Matt Devlin."

You move closer to her bed and return her kiss. "I love you, too."

A/N: The song Matt sings is 'Wander My Friends' from the Battlestar Galactica soundtrack. It's a variation of the Adama family theme, which is the musical theme for Jamie Bamber's character and his father on the show. I thought it would be fun to make the song a bit of a crossover since it made such a big impression on me. It's definitely worth a listen if you've never heard it.