11. Reminisce

Heart Castle was many things; large, grand, extravagant, and no less filled with the furious screams of a raging king and his currently feminine prime minister. Vivaldi's voice could be heard from the front gates, and long trails of sticky red puddles were hurriedly being mopped up by frightful maids in the halls. Alice walked closely behind Joker, never straying far behind. Her stomach lurched and her skin had fallen pale at the sight of so much blood. White took a glance back at her.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine." she mumbled, one hand at her mouth and the other holding her stomach. What a terrible lie. The stench of rust and salt filled the room, causing a dizziness in her head. She resisted every urge she had to vomit. Now was not the time, nor the place. White noticed, and he tugged her in front of him and placed a hand over her eyes. His other pressed gently on her shoulder.

"Don't worry. I'm here. I'll guide you." he assured. She could hear the smile in his voice.

"Do you know where we're going?" the brunette asked timidly. Truthfully, she wasn't sure herself. She'd wanted to ask Vivaldi if she had seen anything, but that might end in a cruel beheading. She wasn't quite prepared for that.

"The throne room is just down this hall to the left. Just ignore the smell." Alice nodded, following the gentle pressing of his fingers against her shoulder leading her down the hall. "The queen has a rather… disturbing taste, wouldn't you agree?"

"It's hard to please Vivaldi completely… I hope she isn't too mad at me." Alice confessed, lowering her head a little in shame. Guilt washed over her again. It's all my stupid fault. I should have kept that stupid key in sight. I can't blame anyone for hating me…

When Joker replaced his hand from her eyes to her other shoulder, Alice took the signal to open her eyes. The throne room was spotless, but by the sudden, loud thud of the castle doors behind her, she was convinced there had been a worse sight to see. She silently thanked Joker for keeping her from that.

Vivaldi sat on her throne a good story or two above the visitors, her eyes set in a dark glare as she analyzed the duo. Her expression softened on Alice, but remained taught at the sight of the ringmaster. Alice noted the queen's outfits hadn't changed much. Vivaldi must have gotten fed up with pants, because she wore her usual large, glorious red gown, though her feet were too large to sport a pair of red heels, and instead she settled for dress shoes. The foreigner assumed by the awkward position of her feet, it was much to her distaste.

"Alice. We were hoping you would visit us." Vivaldi spoke in almost a matter of relief. Her face softened at the outsider, her smile kind and gentle. "You have found the key?"

"Um, actually…" Alice looked away, guilty. Vivaldi must have gotten so excited thinking she was here to bear good news. Her face flushed, embarrassed. "We um… actually we…"

"I'm afraid not, your majesty." White bowed politely, a false smile never leaving his face. "We've come to ask of your assistance. Have you happened to see a key by any chance?"

Vivaldi's face fell. She fell back in her chair in a disappointed huff, blowing violet strands of hair away from her eyes. "We have not. We've sent our servants on hunts but…" She sighed. "They are useless to us." Her eyes narrowed. "White and that idiotic knave have been of no use to us as well. Good help is difficult to find."

"I understand." Alice bowed in apology. "Sorry for wasting your time."

"Oh, it isn't a waste! You're the only thing that makes this body pleasant, Alice." Vivaldi assured with a smile. Joker smirked at the double meaning, but Alice quickly shot him a glare before returning Vivaldi's kind grin.

"I'm really sorry we haven't found it yet, though. We'll keep looking. Thank you, Vivaldi."

"Stop by again soon. We wish to have a tea party with you." the queen said quickly, sulking. "We miss you dearly."

Alice's lips turned upwards genuinely. "Of course! As soon as this is all over. I promise, you'll be the first one I visit."

Her majesty clapped her hands in glee. The foreigner giggled. For such a strong, independent woman, Vivaldi could be such a child at times. It was adorable. "Yes, yes! We look forward to this! Run along then, end this terrible game for us. We wish to celebrate in the garden as soon as possible!"

"Of course." Alice curtsied. "I'll see you soon."

Joker watched as the foreigner waved a friendly goodbye and walked back out into the hall. It took him a moment before he followed behind. His clock ticked unusually as he watched her walk down the newly clean hallway, that brilliant smile never leaving her face. So, this was the girl he had laid his affections on. She was so genuinely happy at the queen's offer, even if for a simple cup of tea. It was such a silly, absurd little idea. She could easily have tea at the circus, yet the idea of having tea in the castle with the queen appealed to her more.

"You know, you can always have tea at the circus as well." he spoke up. Alice glanced back towards him with a light shrug. The smile never left her face.

"I know. But I can spend time with you and Black anytime. I miss the others, too." she replied thoughtfully, returning her attention to the empty hall. "I want to spend more time with my friends."

White's eyebrows knitted together. Oh how he was torn. This woman… this wretched, wonderful woman. He was beyond irritation, yet still captivated in fascination. What kind of unearthly spell had she cast upon him to create these emotions? He would have felt some sort of satisfaction at the very least if she'd liked the idea of having tea at the circus, but no. This was not the case. She'd prefer to be elsewhere with other people.

He reached for his clock- rather, what he could with breasts in the way- in confusion. Was he jealous? Maybe. He wouldn't doubt it. He'd rather accepted his jealousy at this point. Life really wasn't fair, now was it? Even with this woman so close in his reach, she still managed to pull herself away. The thought of Black flashed in his mind, and White gritted his teeth. No. Absolutely not. He could not have that. Not at all.

Still…

He chuckled to himself. Alice's answer from earlier played through his head. She admitted to loving Black, and yet, after White confessed his feelings, she just didn't know what to do. This could work out in his favor, now couldn't it? An emotionally confused young lady with a love struck heart.

He tilted his head at the foreigner before him. Black really wasn't that different from white, now was it? There is never anything pure black, nor pure white. People were never pure shades. Joker was not black. He was not white. He was a perfect shade of grey. He simply had to play his role.

Alice walked forward quietly, her mind just as puzzled and wondering as the companion behind her. Vivaldi had mentioned how long it had been since they had tea. Was it really that long? Thinking back on it, maybe it really had been too long. Alice had been so caught up at the circus and the prison that her mind hadn't even crossed to visiting others. When was the last time she played at the amusement park with Boris? Went gardening with Elliot? Made Julius coffee? Even punched Peter? They all seemed like distant memories now. Her mind had been so filled with work and the prison and the circus and the key that she hadn't realized just how detached from Wonderland she really was.

It's as if I'd never come here. she thought to herself sadly. Maybe this world really didn't need her. No one seemed particularly upset about her disappearance. There were no twins dragging her out of the circus doors, nor a certain knave slinking around for a good camping trip, even before this April. Was this how Wonderland was before she came?

Wow. The brunette hugged herself, feeling more like an outsider now than she ever had before. Maybe she really didn't belong here. Maybe it didn't even matter if she was here or not. The idea crept around her mind. But if that were the case, why was she still here?

"Alice."

The brunette turned around abruptly, snapping from her rather depressing thoughts. Joker watched her suspiciously, his arms crossed underneath his chest.

"Black. When did you switch?" Alice asked too quickly, grooming herself self-consciously.

"Why are you crying?" His eyes hardened. "Did someone say something to you?"

"Huh?" The foreigner quickly reached for her face, flushing further in embarrassment. Tears fell from her pained red-rimmed eyes. She quickly scrubbed at them with the back of her palms. "N-No! I'm fine, really!"

"You're not crying for no reason." Black pushed, stepping forward.

"N-No, I'm not, it's just…" she trailed off uncomfortably, shaking her head. "It's stupid. I was just lost in my thoughts, I guess."

Joker stared at her for a while. It wasn't a cruel stare, nor was it overly kind. It was more of an analyzation. Either way, it gave Alice the time she needed to collect herself.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked finally. The brunette nodded gently, smiling.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Um." Alice quickly turned towards the hallway. "We need to go find Peter next. He might know where it is."

"We can't waste all our time asking. We need to actually find the damned thing." Black warned seriously. Alice hung her head in shame.

"I know. Unless you have any other bright ideas, by all means, go ahead."

"You could, you know, actually look for it?"

"In this rain?" Thunder echoed over the castle as she spoke. Alice winced. "If that's the case, it's buried under the mud. Way too deep. Our best bet is asking others…"

"If they found it don't you think they would have returned it already?" He was growing impatient, she could tell. Alice sighed.

"Would you just give me a chance? Please?" she asked in irritation. "I'm trying my best here."

"Didn't I give you a chance with the last three keys? And where did that end us?"

"The game still ended!" Alice defended herself quickly.

"I'm just saying this is stupid! I'm tired of being a woman! I want my f*cking body back already!" Well, there went his patience. Alice walked forward, drowning him out. She couldn't encourage him. That never ended well.

The duo walked down the hall, one on a long rant, another in silence. Perhaps the prison guard had never heard of silence, Alice wondered. The only time he seemed to be overly fond of it was when he was trying to sleep.

"-Are you even listening to me?!" Black snapped. Alice sighed.

"I'm trying not to." she replied.

"Listen to me when I'm trying to talk to you!" Black grabbed her arm, forcing the foreigner to flip around. She stared up at him. Their eyes locked. His yelling stopped. Her annoyed expression dropped. Teal stared into wine red, and a long silence fell between them. His grip eased on her arm, but she didn't push him off.

This was the man she fell in love with. Angry, irritable, stubborn, incomprehensible, violent, perverted, unreasonable, frightening Joker. White and Black were so different. White was gentle but frightening. Black was rough, unfair… but kind. She loved them both in their own ways. It wasn't fair. They were supposed to be the same person. They had so many similarities. And yet… they couldn't be more different.

Her head spun. What was she doing? What did she want? White's kiss flashed in her mind earlier. Her response to him followed. What did she mean she needed time to think? She was sure she had it already figured out! But looking into Black's face now… Looking not just Black, but looking at Joker…

She just wasn't sure.

Alice quickly pulled away, her head hung low. Golden brown tresses covered her face as she turned, picking up the pace towards the prime minister's room. She couldn't handle this. Not now. She was too confused. She didn't know what she wanted anymore.

"We need to go ask Peter." she murmured, his rushing footsteps to catch up almost a distant echo. "I want this game to end."

...Miss me? :3 Wow it's been a long time since I've written fanfiction… I've been in such a HnKnA mood lately, I couldn't stop writing. I'd really like to finish this series. Hopefully I can. I hope you guys all liked the new chapter update, I promise the ending to this story will be quite interesting, should all go as planned. I really appreciate all your support on my stories throughout the years. It may not sound like it, but it means the world to me that even after I've abandoned stories and moved on, you guys still are so supportive. It means a lot to me.

I have to get to bed now, but goodnight HnKnA-lovers, and I'll see you soon. :)

Also Note: For Joker fans, please don't use fanfiction- especially this series- as your main ideals for how Joker is. Joker is really just one person and Alice identifies his different personalities as Black and White. They are not two separate people nor two separate entities. They're really just one person - Joker. It sounds confusing, which is why I made it a lot easier for this series at the time I wrote it. It's very AU. But any other future Joker stories I might happen to write, he'll be in actual character, so keep that in mind.