A/N: Sorry, I couldn't resist drawing this out a bit longer.
~~~ Part 4 ~~~
No matter how little he understood her motivation and no matter what her motivation is, he didn't want to lose her. So he had only one option: Get onboard with having an open relationship. He needed to learn more about open relationships and how to transition their relationship to a successful open relationship. He needed to work through his own feelings, and ideally convince himself that he could be actively happy with, as opposed to merely settle for, this new relationship. And he had to be able to communicate with Elizabeth in the morning.
It was going to be a long night. But at least now he had something to do that was more productive than worrying all night. He turned to his computer and did a quick web search, pulling up a ton of articles and essays to read. He also looked for books he could read on his e-reader, so he wouldn't be sitting at the computer all night. The title The Ethical Slut caught his attention and even drew a chuckle out of him. He downloaded it and Opening Up.
He tried to keep as open of a mind as possible while reading. Much of what he read was geared to starting a new relationship or otherwise didn't resonate with him, at least not in his current headspace. But he was pleasantly surprised to find some things about open relationships that made a good deal of sense to him. For example, the idea of love as an expansive rather than fixed quantity, making a comparison between having multiple children and having multiple sexual interests or partners. He'd loved each of his children from the moment they were born, but he didn't love Stevie any less once Alison was born, nor either of them less when Jason was born. Instead, he'd found he had the capacity to love them all. Yet he'd somehow assumed, without even realizing he was making an assumption, that Elizabeth being in another relationship would not only mean she'd have less time for him, but that she'd have less love for him. Acknowledging that perhaps she could have feelings for someone else without it subtracting from what she had with him removed some of the sting and made him feel a lot less threatened by the idea of an open relationship, at least theoretically.
He was also somewhat mollified by reading that people are often attracted to others even when they are in wonderful, fulfilling relationships. He had thought their relationship was wonderful and fulfilling for them both. He certainly felt fulfilled, and he had thought Elizabeth did too. But since Elizabeth saying she wanted an open relationship, he'd worried that she wasn't fulfilled and that he hadn't even noticed. But maybe he hadn't missed some signs, and maybe their relationship really wasn't lacking. Maybe Elizabeth being interested in someone else or wanting an open relationship didn't reflect poorly on their relationship, just as wanting to have a second and third child in no way reflected poorly on their previous children.
Other parts made sense, but were far easier read than done. For example, the idea of making room in their relationship for them to be with other people, rather than allowing them to cause each other anxiety and jealousy. That much was obvious to him, but he wasn't sure he knew how to make that room, how to control his emotional responses. He didn't want to limit or restrict Elizabeth; he'd always wanted her to soar professionally and personally. But it was one thing to not worry that he was losing Elizabeth to her job. Could he control this new worry that he would lose her to another person? Could he learn to share Elizabeth in this way, without toxic levels of anxiety, jealousy, or resentment? He honestly didn't know. But he was pretty sure he couldn't do it without doing a lot more thinking and a lot more talking with Elizabeth. He might even want to talk to some people who were in open relationships, or a counsellor or discreet trusted friend to help him process his feelings and navigate their changing relationship.
And other things he read did not bode well. He read that it was unwise to agree to non-monogamy because you're so in love with your partner that you say yes even though your gut is telling you no. Of course the primary reason he would agree to a non-monogamous relationship was being in love with, loving, Elizabeth. Given the choices of ending their relationship, continuing their monogamous relationship while knowing Elizabeth wanted more and was sacrificing her wants because of his inflexibility, or a non-monogamous relationship, well, he had to at least give non-monogamy a chance and trust that they'd figure out how to make it work. He couldn't tell if his gut was saying no, or if it was still too surprised and uncertain to be saying anything coherent, but his gut certainly wasn't anywhere near an emphatic yes.
He knew he'd need to explain his reasoning to Elizabeth, and he'd have to find a way to align his gut with his decision sooner rather than later. The counsellor idea was seeming increasingly necessary. Perhaps he should consult someone on his own and they should see someone together. Though he couldn't imagine Elizabeth would like that much.
He was still thinking things over when it started getting light. He decided he might as well make pancakes so everyone would have food when they got up. And besides, making pancakes was a normal activity, and he could use some normalcy to sooth him.