SORRY! I can never even begin to express how sorry I am for not uploading in like ever. *hides under a table* Feel free to throw tomatoes at me. This is a super long one to make up for my laziness. Please forgive me? *puppy dog eyes*

Philby

Hmmm...BPD. Borderline personality disorder.

I've kind of heard of it, but not really. All I knew about it was that it was similar to schizophrenia, so I basically avoided research of it like the plague. I had also seen an image of it, but it was something really weird that looked like a person's face that was made of water droplets. Yeah, that didn't exactly tell me anything about it.

But, none the less, schizophrenia scared me. Completely terrified me is more like it. It seems like the most dangerous mental disorder there is. BPD would be second place in that race.

I never understood how someone could not know that they have a problem like that and not realise it. Something so severe and unoridinary should be obvious.

Right?

I had thought so, but now i'm not so sure. I think you would need to look for it in order to recognize it. And in order to understand it, you would have to go off of what other people say about the disease. Some of which never had to experience it first hand. Someone that never had the disease would be telling you whether or not you did.

You wouldn't have a clue on whether or not you had it. Someone else would have to tell you whether you are 'normal' or not.

Because you would think that unordinary is ordinary.

How are you supposed to know any differently? Especially if you had it your whole life.

In order to realise it, you would need to research it, read books, go online or just flat out ask someone. What if you don't want to ask someone? Has there ever been a case where someone has a mental problem, but can't say anything about it to anyone because they are being abused?

I'm sure there is.

What if you know you have the disorder? How long could you go without saying anything? Forever? How could someone live like that? Knowing that they have the problem, but aren't 'able' to do something about it?

What if they know about the problem, but don't want to fix it? Does that sound weird?

What if you know of the 'problem', but don't want it 'fixed' because it brings something good as well as bad? Can that happen? Where the good dosen't override the bad, but you focus on the good to the point where it appears to be more important? What then?

If you do that, then it means you have completely lost control. You officially have no say in what you do or don't do.

That is scary.

What about halucinations? How are you able to tell what is real and what is fantasy? It all looks the same.

Or when you hear voices. You might think that it's just your concience or something. A part of you that you can have full blown conversations with. Someone to give you advice or guidance. Kind of like how a parent should be. The difference being what 'it' or 'they' tell you isn't always good. 'It' could tell you to cut yourself, to throw up your food, to act like a completely different person then who you are or even to go as far as to kill yourself.

Most people would listen to 'it'. If you really hate yourself to such an extreme extent, you'd listen to it. Not to all of it. But a lot of it.

At that point nothing makes any kind of sense. When you have your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and ideas change every two seconds. When you aren't sure whether you 'saw' something or if it was just your imagination.

To be so unbalanced that you yourself can't keep up with whether you hate someone or if you love them. Your best friend could be the Earth's savior one minute and the devil himself the next.

You could be in the best of moods one second and all of a sudden everything is dark and depressing simply because of a little thing someone said. Or to go from being so sad that your hysterically crying to wanting to punch in a wall within seconds, sometimes.

To be having suicide thoughts at seven years old should have been a bit of a red flag, but how would you know that that isn't what most seven year olds think about. Maybe some seven year olds do think like that?

I don't know.

What I do know is that no one I know thinks like this. No one acts like this. Who else has their entire personality changed based on who they're talking to? You don't try to make this happen, you just recognize it.

You can't help it.

It happens.

Like how you can push people away when you never want them to leave. You don't try to do that.

I can't help it.

I don't know who I am anymore. I just want to be someone, someone that everyone would like. Someone you wouldn't be embarresed to hang out with. Someone that you would want to be seen with.

Don't leave me.

Please. Don't leave.

I need you. I need all of you.

I promise i'll do better. I'll be better. Please.

Just tell me what you want me to do, who you want me to ? What? When? How?

Help.

I'll never say this out loud, but help me. Please. I don't want to be able to talk to myself. I don't want to be confused by what's real and fake. I don't want to be so hypersensitive all the time at nothing. I don't want to feel like i've had my insides scooped out and have left me feeling like this hollow shell. I don't want to do insane and risky things for no reason.

But, I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to be scared anymore.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live anymore.

Help.

Someone.

Anyone.

Help.