Title: "The Neurobiologist's Evanescence" - Chapter 24
Author's Note: This chapter takes place on Day 19 - seven days post-rescue. (Amy was rescued one week ago.)
Sheldon awoke with a start. Something was tickling his face. He tried to reach up to swat it away, but his arm was stuck underneath something. He blinked his eyes open in confusion, only to find his girlfriend sprawled across his chest, her hair wild and tickling his skin, as she snored softly into his shoulder. He managed to get one arm free and moved her hair out of his face.
He tried to gently ease her off of him and to the side, but she was dead weight against him. He groaned and shoved harder, accidentally flopping her over onto her back beside him.
"Ahh, what?" Amy lifted her head, her hair in her face. Then she groaned and grabbed her head with one hand. "Oh, God," she moaned.
"Does your head hurt?" Sheldon asked with a slight grin.
She groaned again. "You could say that." She rolled over and pulled the blanket he had given her over her head.
He chuckled and started climbing out of bed. "Stay here. I'll go get you some water and some meds."
"Ugh, thanks," she grumbled.
Sheldon got a glass of water from the kitchen and some ibuprofen from the bathroom, before taking it back to his bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed next to her. "Amy."
"Ugnh."
"I know you don't want to move right now, but you need to sit up and drink this and take the medicine."
"Okay," she whined. She pushed herself up onto her elbow and reached her hand out for the water. She took a large gulp of it before taking the pills from Sheldon. She threw them back, swallowing them with another gulp of water.
"Drink it all," he murmured.
She stuck her lower lip out in a pout, then did what he asked. He took the empty glass from her. She flopped back down on the bed.
"It's early yet. Go back to sleep," he said quietly before pressing a tender kiss to her forehead.
She sighed softly. "Thank you," she murmured with closed eyes.
Sheldon smiled and stood up. "You're welcome." Then he left the room, closing the door softly behind him.
After Sheldon finished watching Doctor Who and eating his cereal, he decided to make Amy some breakfast. He prepared two pieces of toast, a small cup of coffee, and a glass of water on a tray. Then he carried it down the hall to his bedroom, carefully balancing the tray as he opened his bedroom door.
Amy had barely moved from where he'd left her. He placed the tray on the nightstand next to her, then sat on the edge of the bed and ran his fingers through her hair, tucking it behind her ear.
"Amy," he said tenderly. "It's time to rise and shine."
"No," she whined. "I don't wanna." She turned her head the other direction, facing away from him.
Sheldon chuckled lightly. "I brought you breakfast in bed."
Amy rolled her head back towards him, blinking her eyes at him. "You did what?"
He smiled. He knew that would get her. She was a sucker for romance. "I made you breakfast." He gestures towards the nightstand.
Amy's eyes widened. "You did. Oh, you're so sweet, Sheldon," she murmured, and pushed herself up into a seated position. She leaned back against the headboard and he reached for the tray, placing it carefully in her lap. Then he got up and walked around to his side of the bed and gently crawled in next to her.
He propped himself up on his elbow and smiled at her as she took a sip of water. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Mmm. A little. The ibuprofen took the edge off."
"Good." He watched as she picked up a slice of toast and took a bite. "I know it's nothing fancy, but I didn't want to upset your stomach."
"It's perfect, Sheldon. Exactly what I need."
He motioned towards the coffee. "I read that caffeine is good for hangovers. Did you know that alcohol in the body is metabolized to acetaldehyde, and then to acetate?"
"And the acetate is what causes the hangover headache." Amy chuckled and tilted her head at him. "Did you forget who you are talking to?"
He grinned. "No. I just wanted to test your cognitive abilities."
"I have a headache, Sheldon, not amnesia," she said, but smiled at him, before taking another bite of toast.
They made small talk as she finished her toast and drank her coffee. When she was finished, they were discussing their plans for the weekend.
"Can you hold that thought?" Amy asked. "I need to use the bathroom." She got up, carefully balancing the tray, then smiled at him. "Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back." She took the tray with her as she left the room.
Sheldon pulled his cell phone out of his pocket to entertain himself while she was gone.
When Amy returned a few minutes later, she smiled when she found him right where she'd left him. "Sorry about that. I decided to brush my teeth, too."
"No problem." He didn't put down his phone as Amy crawled onto her side of the bed.
"What're you doing?"
"Finishing up a game," he said and a few seconds later dropped the phone unceremoniously onto his chest. "Done."
Amy scooted over, gently pushing his phone to the side before tentatively folding her arms on his chest and propping her chin on her forearm. "So..."
Sheldon reached up and twirled a piece of her hair around his finger. "So..."
Amy smiled. "I have homework."
His brows furrowed. "What kind of homework?"
"From Maggie."
"Please continue."
Amy told him of the exercises that Dr. Ryan had suggested for her to try to start regaining her independence.
When she was finished, Sheldon nodded. "Okay. That sounds..." He pursed his lips.
She arched a brow at him. "Sheldon?"
"That sounds like good homework for both of us," he said softly as he slipped her hair through his fingers. "I don't like the idea of you being away from me, but I suppose Dr. Ryan is correct and eventually things will have to return to some semblance of normality, especially when you go back to work. So... maybe it's a good idea that we practice."
"We can start small," Amy murmured.
"Very, very small," he replied.
She chuckled. "Before we decide what to do today, I... um... thought we could do some more of my homework... right now."
His eyes widened. "There's more? Dear Lord, isn't that hard enough on us?"
"Well... This part wasn't exactly... given to me as a homework assignment like the other activities were, but... um... I did tell Maggie that I would try."
"Go on."
Amy blew out a nervous breath. "This is not... easy for me to say, but... I, um, I have some concerns about... our relationship." Her voice was quiet and shaky and she had a hard time meeting his eyes.
"What?" His brows furrowed and he slid up onto his elbows. "What kind of concerns?"
Amy pushed up into a seated position, leaning on her right hip and arm next to him. "Just... the way things have changed since I got back. Us sleeping together, basically living together... kissing all the time. All the "I love you's."
"I told you I loved you months ago."
"I know, but the frequency has more than quadrupled."
"I don't understand," he said, his brows still stitched together with worry. He pushed himself up to sit next to her. "I thought... I thought that's what you wanted. More romance, for us to be closer, for us to live together..."
"I... I do! That's not it... I'm..." Amy sighed heavily. "I think I'm... waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"I... don't understand," he replied with a frown. He hated repeating himself but he was genuinely confused.
"You have been wonderful since I got back. But you're... different. In a good way! But... I'm afraid that once things settle down, when I go back to work and go back to my apartment, you'll... realize that we are moving too fast and—"
"Amy," he cut her off. "Just... wait a minute." He licked his lips, then paused, thinking about what he wanted to say. "I told you... how deeply your disappearance affected me. I realized how important you are to me when you were gone."
Amy made a sour face and looked down, picking at a loose thread on the sheets. "I know," she whispered. "But I... hate that."
"What?" He was completely perplexed by her response. "You don't... want me to realize how important you are to me?"
"No, I'm... I wish it happened... because of a different reason." She sighed. "I know, it doesn't make any sense... it's... I just wish you had... realized that... on your own. I wish I didn't have to disappear for you to understand how important I am to you."
He frowned. "Why does it matter how it happened?" His voice was soft. He wasn't trying to be accusatory, he just wanted to understand.
"Because everything that happened to me was awful!" She exclaimed, the words flying out of her now. "I was locked up in a... dungeon, it felt like. I was chained to a wall, Sheldon. I was left on my own, to do nothing but think all day long. I wondered if anyone even cared that I was gone." He gasped, but she barreled on. "I was sexually assaulted. I was tortured. I am damaged! I'm dirty and tainted and now... now you want me? After all that?" She was nearly shouting by this point, unable to stop herself.
Sheldon had gone completely white in the face. Amy sobbed and buried her face in her hands.
Sheldon was frozen in place, completely flabbergasted and horrified and hurt that she thought so little of him. He was also angry with himself that he hadn't done enough before her disappearance to show her how much he valued her in his life. The guilt overwhelmed him.
Unsure of what to do or say, he let his instinct take over and he reached for her, pulling her into his lap. He wrapped her up tight in his arms, murmuring her name as he stroked her hair and her back. She sank into him, crying into his shoulder, as all of the pain and the anguish of the last three weeks came pouring out of her.
After a few minutes, as she started to calm down, he began whispering to her. "You might feel dirty and damaged, but you're not. You're still my Amy. And I have always wanted you," he said vehemently, needing her to know that all of this hadn't started after her abduction. "From the moment you walked up to me in that coffee shop, I knew there was something about you. That's why I've been hesitant over the years and frankly, scared of you, and my feelings. You overwhelm me, Amy."
Another sob ripped from her lips and she clutched at him.
"When you were gone and I wasn't sure if you would come back to me... I was... broken. I was just a shell of myself. I felt... incomplete without you. And that scared me, too. But I promised myself that if you came back, I would stop being afraid and stop holding back and give myself to our relationship. Because the alternative was… way more terrifying than anything I had ever imagined before. I had been worried I would lose myself in our relationship. That I would forget who I was and what was important to me. But it turns out… Nothing is as important to me as you are."
"Sheldon."
She could do nothing but cry. His words had astounded her. To hear that he loved her that much— it was something she had never dared to even dream she would hear from him.
He reached up to cup her face and pull her back from him, searching her eyes with his own. "I am sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't care. Nothing could be further from the truth. When you were gone, you were the only thing I cared about. And Amy, you have friends who love you and your parents. Don't ever believe that no one cared when you were missing."
"I'm sorry," she whispered hoarsely. She reached up and grasped his wrists. "I think I just… It was hard on me, growing up, without any friends. And being down there, in that dungeon, all alone with my thoughts… I just… reverted back to that scared and insecure little girl that still lives inside of me. And… well, sometimes, I wasn't sure if… if you felt the same about me as I did about you. And then, with Kripke… touching me, I just… it made… it makes me feel so dirty, and… and… just like everything is tainted now. Everything has this… film over it. It's like I am looking at the world with a black veil over my eyes. I can see things and they look normal, but there's this… darkness shadowing everything. And I'm afraid that… you will see me differently, like I am tainted and dirty, too."
Sheldon leaned forward and captured her lips with his, kissing her hard and passionately. He poured every ounce of himself into the kiss, trying to show her just how much he loved her and wanted her. That there was nothing dirty or tainted about her.
He pulled back, but didn't release her. "Right now, things may seem... different. But underneath it all, you're still Amy and I'm still Sheldon. And I love you, the way you are now, the way you were a month ago, the way you've always been. That isn't new— that didn't start recently. The only thing that changed is that I'm no longer afraid to show you how I feel."
Her chin trembled. "I... I told Maggie that I don't... deserve you."
Sheldon frowned. "What? Why would you say that?"
"This whole... situation has really messed with my head, Sheldon," she whispered. "I spent thirty years of my life thinking I was... unloveable. I guess, maybe... our relationship before, was... I don't know, I think I thought that... I was undesirable, too. That you just weren't interested in me... sexually. And then Kripke couldn't even get an erection and it... I am so relieved he wasn't able to rape me, but it just made me feel even more... undesirable. And then, on top of that, it made me feel dirty and damaged and maybe like... the only thing I had going for me was my... virginal status and now I don't even really feel like I have that." She heaved out a large sigh. "Does any of this even make any sense? I don't know how to explain it."
Sheldon frowned, trying his very hardest to understand and remain calm. "I think so... You feel undesirable and unloveable, because of your past. And Kripke doing what he did, made it worse. So you think you don't deserve me or our relationship, because of it?"
"Basically, yes. And now you have been so... different. More open to affection and physical... love... And I'm struggling with that because I feel... even less desirable than before and I just... can't wrap my head around... everything."
"Yesterday, you dropped your towel in the bathroom and let me see you."
Amy blushed and looked away from his gaze. "Yes... I did do that."
"Why? If you think you're undesirable and it's worse since you got back... why would you put yourself out there like that?"
Amy was flustered. She wasn't used to Sheldon asking her these kinds of things. They always swept everything under the rug. She felt vulnerable, split open so he could see all of her ugly insides. All of her scars and her darkness and the worst parts of her. Her voice was shaking when she answered him. "I guess I'm... looking for proof that... that I am desirable."
"Was my reaction proof enough? Yesterday?"
Amy blushed. "Sort of... it feels good to hear you say you want me, but it's... still a long way from that to... physical action? To... coitus..."
"So... in order for you to feel desired, we need to have coitus?"
Amy's cheeks darkened even further and she dropped her head down, letting her hair fall over her face. She was utterly mortified. "Umm... I don't know, Sheldon. I'm... God, this is embarrassing. I don't really know what will make me believe it. But now... for example, let's say that right now we spontaneously decided to have coitus... I would think you were just doing it to appease me."
Sheldon scoffed, his annoyance filtering through. "So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't."
Amy's head shot up to look at him. He was angry. She grimaced, feeling like such a jerk. "I'm sorry... I... I don't know." She put her hands on the sides of her head. "Everything is just so... twisted... up in here."
Sheldon gently lifted her off of his lap and climbed off the bed. Amy's heart sank into the pit of her stomach. He was leaving, running away.
But instead, he started pacing, trying to burn off some of his negative energy. He knew it wasn't what they needed now, but he was angry and hurt and confused and he didn't know how to fix any of this. "I'm... going to need some time to think about all of this." He glanced at her. "I'm not trying to be dismissive, but I need time to figure out... how to proceed."
Amy's breath hitched in her chest and tears filled her eyes. "Okay," she whispered hoarsely.
"Is that okay?" He looked at her again. "Can we table this for now and come back to it later? So I can... sort through my thoughts?" He asked gently.
Amy nodded as a tear slipped down her cheek. "Yes."
He groaned. "Please don't cry again." He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, facing her. He reached for her hands. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I love you and I'm here, I just... These things are difficult for me, Amy. You know that. I need time to sort things out."
"Okay." She nodded. She knew how he felt. Her thoughts were a jumbled mess. "Take all the time you need."
He pulled her hands up so he could kiss her knuckles. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
"C'mere," he murmured and pulled her to him again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and clung to him.
"I'm sorry."
He sighed. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. We knew this journey wasn't going to be easy. I just wish you didn't think so little of yourself. You're the smartest person I've ever met. You're beautiful and funny and there's no one else in the world I would rather spend my time talking to. You're kind and a good friend and a good daughter and an amazing girlfriend. You've always been there for me and supported me and... I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel unloved or undesired or unimportant. That was never my intention."
"I know," she whispered and laid her head on his shoulder. "And it's never really been about you... These doubts of mine were instilled in me at such a young age. My mother always made me feel like I had to act a certain way to be lovable. And then to not have any friends on top of that... I truly believed that I was just... unlikeable. And that carried over into every other aspect of my life... except maybe science." She smiled slightly. "Science was the one thing I always excelled at, the one thing that never let me down. So I threw myself into my work to try and escape... myself, I guess. Then, after I met you and our friends... things changed and I finally started to feel like I was... worthy of friends, of a boyfriend... But what happened to me, with Kripke, it just... really set me back."
"Have you talked to Maggie about all of this?"
"Yes. Some. I probably haven't gone into as much detail as I should have."
"I hope you will. Talk to her, I mean. I don't know what else to say to make you believe that I love you and I desire you. Maybe she can help."
Amy nodded sheepishly. "I'll talk to her." She lifted her head to look at him. "I'm actually really glad we had this conversation. I was nervous about it, but I think it will be good because she wants to talk about our relationship on Monday."
"She does?" Sheldon made a face.
"Yes. About how my abduction has affected our relationship. But now... I have a frame of reference for... how you feel and where my thoughts are... flawed."
Sheldon reached up and tucked Amy's hair behind her ear, then cupped her face tenderly. "I'm glad you brought this up, too," he murmured. "I don't like that you're hurting because of me."
Amy could see the anguish in his eyes. It made her own well up with fresh tears. She wanted to deny the hurt and her pain, but she knew she couldn't anymore. She laid her hand over his heart and swallowed the lump in her throat. "We're going to be okay, aren't we?" She whispered.
He smiled slightly and nodded. "Yes," he said confidently. Now that he knew what it was like to live without her, he never wanted to experience it ever again. He would do whatever it took to make sure they survived this.
He leaned forward and pressed his lips softly to hers, offering a promise of his love and commitment to her. For the first time since he had scheduled his appointment with Dr. Ryan, he was actually looking forward to it. Their conversation had made it clear that they needed help sorting through the emotional wreckage that Kripke had hurled upon them. He had never felt so emotionally unsteady in all his life and it was clear that Amy was feeling the same way.
He hoped that Monday would be a big step in the right direction.
End Note: I know this is a shorter chapter, but I really wanted to set some things up before their therapy appointments on Monday. This next chapter will probably take me awhile to write since it's going to be a huge one for both of them. Also, it's probably going to be a long one if I add in the extra scenes I'm thinking about including... May split it up or add it to Tuesday. Not sure yet! We'll see where the story takes me.
I hope you liked this chapter. I feel like Sheldon is maybe a little OOC here, all up in his feelings, but I love it, anyway. I'm so proud of them for having a conversation like this! Lol! Also kind of proud of myself because I had a bit of an "ah-ha!" moment when Amy went on her little rant. So that will help me moving forward! :) Leave a review if you are so inclined. I would really appreciate it.