Chapter 14

Over the next few weeks, Tim and Zahara prepared for the upcoming trip. They'd got passports for the kids more than a year ago in anticipation of traveling. They met with Roy a couple of times together to get more details hammered out. Tim made arrangements for time off at work, knowing that Tony would support his request. Zahara let her friends know that she wouldn't be able to do any dance instruction for the week they were gone. Tim let Ducky and Gibbs and his friends know that they'd be gone. Gibbs offered to watch Marra. They spoke frequently with Ahmed making sure he would be okay with the schedule they were setting up.

It was exciting but it was also exhausting and, for Tim at least, stressful. He was really trying not to think about all the ways this could go wrong.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim and Norris slowed to a walk. They weren't quite to the parking lot but it had been a longer run than usual and it was okay to have a cool down. Marra wasn't too happy about it, but she obeyed and trotted along beside them.

"I'm heading out on my vacation next week," Tim said.

"Yeah, I knew that," Norris said, smiling.

Tim appreciated that Norris didn't feign ignorance about his situation. When he knew things, he admitted it.

"So I'll be gone for a week, maybe a little longer, depending on how tired traveling makes me."

There was a pause.

"Tim, I know we're not really friends. We just run together sometimes, but you don't seem very excited about this."

Tim debated whether or not he was going to say anything. Norris was right. He didn't feel very excited... at the moment.

"Sometimes, I am. Right now... I'm not. All I can think about is what could go wrong." Suddenly, Tim really wanted to have someone see this from his point of view. Everyone was sympathetic, but they kept trying to tell him that his point of view was wrong. Whether it was or not, Tim just wanted someone to see it the way he saw it.

"What is it, Tim?"

"This is my family," Tim said, feeling very earnest. "Everyone says that I'm too negative about things now. Maybe I am, but I can't lose my family. My worst experiences...besides this last one have been in that part of the world, not Egypt specifically but close to it. What if, by doing this, I'm simply opening up my family to suffer the same way I did out there? What if I put them in harm's way?"

"If you feel like that, why are you going?"

"Because my wife's brother lives there. She really wants to go, and we've put it off for the last five years because of timing. ...and part of me really does want to go. I'm just terrified that I'm making a huge mistake that's going to destroy my life and my family... which is my life."

"So why tell me?"

Tim managed to laugh a little. "Because everyone else is tired of hearing it. I know they hate that I'm like this. I do, too. But I put too much weight on them as it is, and I don't know how to stop feeling the way I do. I know I should but I don't know how. ...and it's hard when I know the response is to stop feeling like this. I wanted someone to try to put themselves in my shoes instead of just telling me to change my shoes."

Norris laughed at the analogy, but he looked sympathetic.

"Well, I don't know if anyone can really put themselves in the shoes of another person. Everyone is so different, but I can see why you feel that way. When you have an experience you associate with a particular location, it's hard to see it any other way. I will say, though, that they're right that you should try to get away from that feeling. ...but if that advice is isolating you from them, maybe you need to tell them that they're not helping."

Tim shrugged. "I don't know. ...and I'm sorry I just laid all that on you."

"Hey, not a problem. It's not a huge weight for me like it is for you. I can handle it."

They reached the parking lot and Levi was there. Norris nodded to him and then thumped Tim on the back.

"Try to focus on the fun things. You know that we have your back and you're more than capable of at least running away if you need to."

Tim laughed.

"Thanks for listening," he said.

"You're welcome."

Then, Norris headed off and Tim walked over to Levi.

"Hey," he said.

"Are you prepared for your trip?" Levi asked.

"We're not packed yet," Tim said.

"How about mentally?"

Tim laughed a little. "I can't unpack."

"Are you going to try to?" Levi asked.

"I have been. I feel like every time I get a few things put away, someone sneaks in and puts them back in the bag."

Levi was quiet for a few seconds. Then, he looked Tim in the eye.

"I know you think that something will go wrong. The odds are against it, but if something does, you don't have to panic. Call me."

Tim shook his head.

"No, Levi. I'm not going to have you putting your life on the line again."

Levi smiled slightly.

"I'm not suggesting that I'll swoop down to Egypt to rescue you should it become necessary. I'd do that if there were no other option, but that's unlikely. No. People don't think about me anymore because of my physical weaknesses. If something goes wrong and you need help but you're afraid of what might happen, call me. I'll be your base of operations as long as is needed. I'll pass along the information as needed to those who need to hear it. You won't ever have to face this alone. Understood?"

"Are you sure?" Tim asked. "I don't want..."

"Yes," Levi said firmly. "This isn't something I'm offering without thinking about any consequences that may arise. I can give messages to those who need to hear them. I can be a secure line if you need it. No one here will be thinking that I need watching that way. I've spent the last two years doing nothing of value. I'm physically weak. No one who might want to take advantage will be listening in."

Tim took a breath at the mention of something that still worried him.

"If this will help you relax a little, plan on it. I promised Tamara that I wouldn't try to run off unless there was genuinely no other option. I just can't imagine a situation in which that would be the case, so for now, I'll be relegated to being backup."

"Thanks, Levi," Tim said softly.

"Anytime." Then, Levi stood. "If there's anything I've learned in my life, it's that you can plan all you want but you'll never be able to stop everything from happening. You can never be truly ready for all that life can throw at you. So instead of dreading what might happen, just try to enjoy yourself. You're as ready for the bad stuff as you can be."

"I wish it was that simple."

"It is. If you were willing to admit it. Enjoy your trip."

Then, Levi walked away. Tim sat on the bench for a few minutes until Marra tried to jump on his lap and started licking his face. He smiled.

"Thanks, Marra," he said. "I need to get to work, don't I. Let's go home."

He got up and headed back.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Suhayl had never really liked big cities. For all that he'd lived in them and worked in them, he was a child of the desert and cities were cut off from the world, even though some would argue that they were the real world. He would deny that. This teeming mass of humanity surrounding him in al-Qahira, surging through the streets was not the real world. These buildings were representative of the world men tried to build, but the earth always took it back. As soon as men stopped building, nature took over.

However, all that being said, he knew how to get through these places and as he made his way to the location of his first meeting, he hoped that he would not have to be here for long. Someone was claiming that something big was in the making, but he wouldn't explain why for fear of someone hearing him.

So he headed to his rendezvous at a small shop that was declared to be closed.

Ignoring the sign, he opened the door and stepped inside. Instantly, he was assaulted by an array of artificial aromas. His nose wrinkled slightly and he called out.

"Ana huna!" he said, modifying his usual dialect to match the way they spoke here.

There was only silence.

"Takalam al-ān!"

Quickly, he walked through a door and saw a man lying motionless on the floor. Dead? Perhaps, perhaps not. He turned, all senses on high alert.

He was just barely fast enough to fend off his attacker as a man silently leapt at him, knife in hand. The fight did not last long, however. Suhayl was stronger and faster. He grabbed the man around the neck and began to squeeze tighter and tighter.

"Tahduth wa qad ta'īshu."

"I... don't... speak Arabic," the man gasped out.

"Speak and you might live," Suhayl said, covering his surprise. The man's English was accented but he could not pinpoint its origin. "Were you here for me or for the man who is on the floor?"

The man didn't answer right away and Suhayl began to squeeze his neck again.

"You!" the man managed to gasp out.

Suhayl loosened his grip very slightly.

"Did you know it would be me?"

"No. Just whoever came."

"Why?"

"To stop you from knowing what's going on."

"What is going on?" Suhayl demanded.

"I don't know. I just get paid."

"You are lying."

"No! No, I'm not!"

Suhayl could see there was nothing more to learn from this man whether he was lying or not, and he couldn't let him make any kind of report. Quickly, he tightened his grip until the man was dead. Then, he dropped the body on the floor and leaned over the shopkeeper. He was still breathing although bleeding from a wound on his head.

So they weren't above killing but only their main targets. Suhayl began to treat the man's injury and hoped that he could still learn something from him.

The man groaned and opened his eyes slightly. He was bleeding and dazed. There would be no answers from him at the moment. Instead, Suhayl called for help, resigned that his task would have to wait for another day.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"So...we're leaving next week," Tim said.

"And? Are you excited?" Dr. Hicks asked.

"Yes. No. Sometimes."

Dr. Hicks smiled. "You weren't this worried about your trip to Morocco. Is it just that it's closer to Saudi Arabia that's the problem?"

Tim sighed. "I don't know. I mean, it would make sense if that were it, but..."

"You don't think it is?"

"I don't know."

Dr. Hicks leaned forward. "Come on, Tim. You know what you need to do. Think about it and talk it out. Don't be afraid to figure out what you're thinking. Why is it that you're so anxious about this trip to Egypt when you don't really think it's about the proximity to where you were tortured before?"

"I think that's probably part of it," Tim said, quickly.

Dr. Hicks chuckled. "That doesn't get you out of talking about it."

Tim made an effort to think about it, something he often didn't like doing but knew he needed to do. He thought about what was different between this trip and the one he had taken with Zahara to Morocco. There were a number of things that would be different on this trip, not the least of which was his children coming with him. But it wasn't really that, although that did give him more anxiety. But it wasn't just that. What was it?

Then, after a few minutes of silence, the answer came to him... or at least what he thought was the answer.

"Something is going to happen on this trip," Tim said. "That's why I'm so anxious. I feel like this isn't going to be just a vacation. Something is going to happen and I have a hard time believing that it's going to be good. Every time I've felt like something was going to happen, it did, and it was almost always bad."

"And you're having the same feeling that you've had before?"

"Yeah." Tim sighed. "Maybe it sounds stupid. I know my friends are tired of all this, but whatever makes me feel like this has been right. Every time. This feeling always means something significant is going to happen, and with only one or two exceptions, what happened was terrible."

Dr. Hicks was quiet for a few moments.

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"There's nothing to do. I never can anticipate what will actually happen, only that something will. There's no way to prevent it. I just have to deal with it whether I can or not."

"And you don't think you can."

"No. No one else does, either."

"Do you really believe that?"

"They want me to deal with it, but I don't think they really believe I can. ...because I don't either."

"Tim, you need to let that idea go. If you keep holding onto the idea that you have no choice, it will end up being true. You always have a choice. Always."

Tim started down at his hands.

"I wish I could believe that again."

"You can...if you're willing to try, and this trip might be the perfect opportunity. Maybe your feeling is right and it means that something is going to happen. Okay, then. How are you going to confront it when it does?"

"I can't handle it again," Tim said. He looked Dr. Hicks, wanting to see what he thought. "I'll kill someone before I let him hurt my family, before I let anyone take me away."

"Do you want to go that route?"

"No, but I will. I'd rather have that than go through what happened again."

"Are you prepared for those consequences?"

"No," Tim admitted. "I'm not. But the alternative is to give up everything in my life to be safe."

"No. Those aren't your only two options. Tim, I hope that what you're dreading doesn't happen, but even more, I hope that you don't let yourself become that ruthless. Do you think you'll enjoy yourself?"

Tim smiled a little. "I'm going to try to. For the sake of my family, I'm going to try."

Dr. Hicks leaned over and took hold of Tim's shoulders.

"For you, too, Tim. It has to be for you, too. You deserve it."

There was the usual tightness in his throat when he heard people say the things that he really wanted to believe.

"All right. I won't have a chance to meet with you again before you leave, so let's get you relaxed."

"Okay."

Tim lay down and closed his eyes.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Zahara smiled at her brother on the screen. "And so we are going to be prepared for any weather but mostly the heat."

"It will be hot, Zahara," Ahmed said, dryly. "It is Egypt and it is summer."

Zahara laughed. "I know. I am so excited to see you, Ahmed. It has been too long. This will be our first time in Egypt. I want this to go well and to be a fun experience for all of us."

Ahmed gave her a look that said he knew what she wasn't saying.

"How is he doing? Will he have fun?"

"I hope he will," Zahara said, honestly. "He has had a number of good days, but I know he's a little worried because we're bringing the children for the first time. Please, treat him like normal."

Ahmed hesitated for a moment. Then, he took a breath. "I will. You'll still have people with you when you come here?"

"Yes."

"Do you know who they are?"

"Yes. Tim and I both know who they will be."

"All right." Then, Ahmed paused and Zahara knew what was coming. The same question that Ahmed had asked off and on ever since Tim's last brush with the other life he hated so much. "Is this still what you want?"

"Yes, Ahmed," Zahara said, firmly. "Tim is my husband and I love him. That has not changed."

"But he has."

"No. He has hard times, but he is still the same person he was before. He loves me and I will not leave him. That will not change no matter how many times you ask. Please, mi hermano, please do not ask again."

"Very well. Has anything changed on your itinerary?"

"No. Unless the flight is delayed, we should be there as we planned next week."

"Good. I will be happy to see you, hermana, and to show you all what there is to see in Egypt."

"Good," Zahara said, smiling again. "Now, I must go back to making sure we have all that we need."

Ahmed smiled almost for the first time. "I will let you. Cuídate, hermana."

"Nos vemos pronto, hermano."

Then, Zahara waved at the screen and disconnected. She sighed a little at Ahmed's concern. He had always been slightly ambivalent about her decision to marry an American and to become an American herself. However, it was only when it was clear that Tim was having lingering problems that he had begun asking again about whether or not she had what she wanted.

This was the first time she had simply asked him to stop it. Would it work? Probably not permanently. Ahmed took his role as her elder brother very seriously and he felt it was his duty to make sure that she was happy in her life.

Oh, well. He would be polite during their visit and if Tim could relax and they could all enjoy themselves, it would be all to the better.

For now, she had some packing to do.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim sat up late into the night at his typewriter. He didn't do much writing anymore. And he wasn't actually writing now. He had tried to get to sleep but right now, his worries were stronger than any possible level of excitement. After a couple of hours of trying to sleep, he had slid out of bed and come downstairs. Marra was drooling on his knee, gazing up at him adoringly as she always did.

Everyone said he just needed to relax and enjoy himself. Tim knew they were all right. But this feeling he had just didn't allow for it. He hadn't really discussed it with anyone besides Dr. Hicks. He could have said something to Ducky since he had told him about the feeling before. It was too late for that, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to change dramatically on this trip, something would happen. He didn't know if it would be good or bad, but like he had told Dr. Hicks, it was usually bad when he had felt it in the past.

Tim didn't feel like he had a choice about whether or not to go on this trip. He didn't feel like he had any way of avoiding what would happen. He was certain it would change him.

I don't like who I am right now anyway. What am I worried about?

Tim laughed cynically at himself and shook his head. Then, he sighed and pet Marra on the head.

"I hope you'll have fun with Gibbs, Marra," he whispered.

Marra whuffled a little at him at hearing her name.

"Are you saying it's time for bed? Because if you are, you're absolutely right."

But Tim knew he was going to struggle to sleep tonight and it would likely disturb his wife. So instead of going up to bed, he walked over to the couch and lay down. Marra padded after him and then looked at him longingly.

Tim smiled a little.

"Okay, you big baby. Just for tonight, I'll let you sleep on the couch with me but you'd better not piddle on me. That will be the end of it forever."

Marra jumped around and then jumped onto the couch, She climbed over Tim as he tried to get himself comfortable and then when he was comfortable, Marra lay down beside him with her head on his hip.

"Good night, Marra," he whispered.

Marra whuffled at him again and he could feel her panting a little bit as she calmed down.

It took a while, but with Marra's comforting weight and the knowledge that any disruption to his sleep would trouble only himself and his dog, Tim gradually fell asleep.