Trigger warning: mentions of self harm.

Sorry updates on all my fics are taking so long, it's been a while since I just sat down to write these chapters out. Gonna try to get them out to you guys a little better now that I'm settled into my new place and my new job.

There was a way that Beca looked at herself in the mirror that simply broke Chloe's heart. She had known about it ever since they met, easily catching the glances Beca would shoot any surface she could see herself in. Anytime Bec would frown slightly if the binder didn't keep his chest down enough for his liking. It tore her up inside that there was really no way she could ease her lovers thoughts on her body or the fact that Beca never seemed completely comfortable as her or Bec. There was always a thin wall keeping the brunette from complete comfort. All Chloe wanted to do was to shatter that block but she knew it was up to Beca to do so.

When Chloe wandered into the apartment that evening, classes over for a long weekend and Aubrey off to visit family until the return of classes on Tuesday, she was prepared to curl up with Beca on the couch to relax until the gig the next evening which was the only plan they had for their lazy weekend. So walking into a quiet apartment, no TV on and no music shaking the walls, Chloe was immediately worried. Beca was not known for being quiet, the only time Chloe knew her to be silent was when they were sleeping. She loved to sing quietly to her even in the quiet of the dark or to the tune of the shower raining against the tiles. It was something Chloe loved about her, the constant music or monologue, so the sudden silence was startling.

"Beca?" She walked into the living room, kicking her shoes off to the side. "Bec?" When she received no answer to either name, she moved towards the bedroom in the hopes that Beca was simply napping or had gone out for a few moments. Her mouth quirked down a little when she realized the room was empty but the bathroom door was pushed open, light spilling into the dim room from the opening. Her heart sank when she peeked inside.

Beca was staring at herself in the mirror, binder on but wearing the boy shorts she normally wore when she was feeling more feminine. A deep frown was marring her face, eyes red rimmed as if she'd been crying, and her hands were flexing at her side as if she didn't know which part to push or pull at first. Chloe watched as Beca swallowed hard, blinking as if to break a spell just as one hand moved up to trace over her chest. The brunette winced when she could feel where the binder couldn't quite hide her breasts unless she would wear a shirt over it, something she wished it wouldn't do. Sometimes Beca wanted to wear her binder like a second skin, walk around the house in just boxers while in a masculine state of mind. The redhead caught the way she bit her lip before she wiggled out of the constricting material, staring hard at her now nude torso. Normally she would wear a sports bra under the binder to help but this time it seemed she was more about looking at her body, picking herself apart one brick at a time. Chloe's quiet resolve cracked when Beca's expression turned torn and a tear slipped down her cheek.

"Baby." Chloe's voice was gentle, though Beca still started a little at the sudden sound, and she moved forward slowly. Beca didn't try to move away, looking confused and in a deep rooted kind of pain, but she didn't stop it when Chloe settled a hand on her cheek. "What are you doing, B?"

Jaw working under Chloe's warm hand, Beca tried to come up with an answer. Really, she'd just been getting ready for a shower when she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Then she kept putting the binder on, taking it off, switching her underwear, trying to find the right match. Nothing seemed to fit and it just sent a pang of hurt so deep she couldn't bring herself out of it. It nearly broke her once more when Chloe's free hand went about gently tracing the scars that littered her skin, caressing them in an almost reverent fashion.

"Were you thinking about doing this again? Needing this again?"

The words broke through. In truth, it had crossed her mind. To bring the physical pain, the wash of relief that came with seeing her blood and feeling human, feeling somewhat in control of herself. Being the one to place the battle wounds for the world to breathe upon, to keep the secrets hidden under her clothing so the pain would remind her that she'd conquered that day without dying. That the internal scars, now outside, didn't wreck her. She hadn't needed to wear those cuts like armor since Chloe came into her life, didn't feel the need to mark her skin with her battles for months, but it wasn't something that went away so easily. Chloe helped but in truth, she'd thought about it each time she looked into the mirror like this. Each time Chloe would settle that warm touch to her skin like a comforting blanket, she'd saved her from that knife. This time, she'd saved her once again, coming home in time to keep her from breaking down. It wasn't easy, it was a craving she'd never really lose, but Chloe made it better.

It was when Chloe traced her finger over the latest scar, the lightest cut she'd ever done that had happened just a month ago after a bad crowd had drunkenly pushed her over the edge before the bar kicked them out. It was the only show Chloe couldn't make it to, the only one they'd planned to meet up after instead of the whole show, and she'd almost broken. Swallowing a little, Beca turned her head into Chloe's hand, wanting to hide thought she knew the redhead wouldn't let her run away. "I did without realizing it I think."

The crack in Beca's voice, the way she looked like she might just fall to her knees and sob any second, had Chloe tugging her into her arms. Her lover went willingly, breaking down as soon as Chloe scooped her up to carry her to the bed. Pressing a kiss to the top of Beca's head, Chloe settled against the headboard, brunette cuddled up on her lap. She ran a soothing hand along her back, peppering her face with gentle kisses.

Once Beca had calmed down a little, the brunette snuggling her head into Chloe's neck while the arms around her tightened, Chloe let herself relax a little. Beca wasn't okay, she knew she wasn't, but this was far from the worst. This was one of the easier breakdowns she'd helped Beca through and, to her, it was progress. The first time she'd tried to help Beca like this, she'd gotten screamed at and Beca had closed herself off for a week before letting her back in.

"It's going to be okay, B. I've got you, we're working through it and you've been doing so good, baby. You're going to have these days, though, you're going to have those mirror days." Chloe had been going with Beca to her therapist for the past few weeks, happy to be able to help in anyway since Beca had finally admitted to going to a therapist for quite a while. Apparently, Beca had made the most progress since opening up to her and that fact warmed her heart. She really did seem to help, being there for Beca so she didn't just bottle it up until she exploded.

Chloe's voice did wonders for her, especially since she let her start going to therapy as well. Soon, Beca was slumped in her arms, emotionally exhausted. The redhead slid down until they were laying down, Beca shifting to snuggle up as close as possible. "You make it better, Chloe, you make everything so much clearer."

"I try to help, B. I'll do anything I can, you know that."

Beca smiled, tucking her head unto Chloe's chest with a yawn when the blanket was tucked around her. "You do everything and more, Red. You're my serendipity."

"I love you, B." Chloe smiles softly into her hair, pressing another soft kiss to Beca's temple.

"I love you too, Chloe, I love you more than I can ever say."