A/N: Hey guys! Hopefully you will like this chapter :) REVIEW
Chapter 4: Not Tonight
I was shaking during the whole shower. I couldn´t not think about what I just saw. For fuck sake, she was my own sister, my twin! But when I saw her like this, naked, it made me feel things I shouldn´t feel for real. And the thing she did, I swear she did it on purpose, like she wanted to make me feel like this. That scared me even more than my own thoughs.
When I finished and I finally got all the flour off me, I stepped out of the shower and I dried myself, then wrapped a towel around my body and I made myself sure it wont fall down. Shit, I was still trembling and I didn´t know what to do, how to look at Sara. But I had to. I had to pretend nothing happend, even though I knew I am not such a great actress.
I walked out of the bathroom back into my bedroom and I saw Sara there, laying in my bed in her boy shorts and a white T-shirt, reading some book that she brought with her. It was something from John Irving, I knew she liked his books, but I didn´t know what they were about. Honestly, I didn´t really care right now, because I was too nervous.
Sara noticed that I walked into the room and she smirked at my nervous expression. She could easily see that there was something wrong with me, that I didn´t feel very comfortable with the thing that happend to us. I don´t know if I could read so well from her face, but she looked like it was funny for her, like she was enjoying it.
I was always the twin, that was more into society, you know. I could easily find new friends, I was partying a lot and Sara was the one, who rather stayed at home, reading some book with a cup of coffee in her hand. And maybe this is why I am so simple – people can easily read my thoughs and they don´t wait something that will surprise them from me. But Sara, she was always so...complicated, even for me. Sometimes, she was really happy, then in a split of a second she turned into a very quiet and sad person. I didn´t know if she was sad or just lost in her thoughs, but most of the time I could sense it. People never understood her very well, not even her girlfriends. Not even Emy could understand her. Noone could read her mind. I was the closest one, but still. She was too hard for me to read.
And this was the moment that it happend again. I was so fucking simple – she could see what I was feeling, she could see why was I acting so weird, why was I so nervous and blushing even. But I couldn´t tell what was she thinking. A few days ago, she was broken as hell. When she was with me, she was healed for a moment, then she started to playing with me like this. And I didn´t know if she mean it, or she was just making fun of me or what. Either way, it scared the shit out of me.
I stopped looking at her and I grabbed some boxers out of the drawer and also a black T-shirt with Korn logo on it. I went to the bathroom, but Sara´s voice stopped me.
„You can change in front of me, I wont mind it, Tee. You already saw me today.", she said and with these words she just added some wood into the fire that was in my whole body in the moment. It wouldn´t be so weird, if she didn´t say it in such an teasy voice.
I didn´t know what to do. I just stood there and I seriously felt like there was nothing I could do in this situation. But then I took a deep breath and turned around to face her.
„Are you serious, Sar?", I asked her and I raised both of my eyebrown, trying to look like I am bothered by the thing she just suggested, but as I already said, I am not a good actress. Normally I would just give her my middle finger or I will laugh, but this time it was just different. I was a mess.
„Well, I am not the one that couldn´t get her eyes from my naked body.", she told me and my jaw dropped as these words escaped her mouth. This crossed the line and I didn´t have anything to say back, so I just ran back to the bathroom and I locked myself in there.
„Fuck!", I cursed, then I sat on the cold floor and I rested my back against the door. I was seriously fucked up. If this was happening to me a few months ago, I would know we are just joking around, but right now, with all those unaproppriate things on my mind I felt terrible and I knew I couldn´t lie to her.
A few tears ran down my face, I couldn´t help it. I wasn´t used to cry, but right now I didn´t know what else to do. This was just something that I couldn´t get through, it was too much for me to take. I didn´t know what was going on, I was so fucking confused.
„Tegan! Open the doors! Sorry, I-I didn´t mean to hurt you or something. Please...", I heard Sara calling from the doors and I sighed.
The last thing I wanted right now was to worry Sara, when the reason she is here is to make her forget and to make her happy again. I didn´t want to fuck up her feelings even more than they were already. I couldn´t do it to her.
So I slowly got up from the floor, I wiped the tears away from my face and I opened the doors for Sara. As soon as I did so, she hugged me tightly and I sighed in her arms. It felt so good to be in her arms like this. She felt always so right, like nobody else...
„I am sorry, TeeTee. I didn´t mean to say that, you know I was just joking, right?", she asked me as she brought her face closer to me, her eyes locked with mine and I just nodded, my whole body was still shaking.
„N-no, I am the one who should apologize. I-I shouldn´t stare like that.", I told her and she saw how nervous I was and she smiled a bit and looked down.
„Well, I will take it as a compliment from you.", she said in a very quiet voice and I swear we just had a moment. Fuck. This was too crazy to be true.
I just smiled at her, when her eyes looked back into mine. After a few seconds she got her hands off me and she just stood there.
„Get your clothes on, okay?", she said softly and she left me alone in the bathroom.
I quickly got my boxers and the T-shirt on and I washed my face in the cold water. I swear I am not going to survive this. What the fuck is this? It´s getting only worse each day I am with her and she is noticing it too and...I just don´t know. This isn´t going to end up well.
When I was ready (or I thought I was), I walked to the bedroom, she was laying in the bed, looking to the ceilling with her hands on her stomach. I slowly walked to the bed and I climbed in, right next to her.
„Can I turn the lights off?", I asked her and she turned her head to mine, smiled a bit and nodded, so I did so.
We were laying there in a complete silence and I was looking out of the window to the beautiful night sky, stars were shining right into my face. Of course I didn´t even think about sleeping. My heart was still beating faster than it should and I knew that the fact Sara was right next to me didn´t help it either.
„Can´t sleep?", I heard her asking softly and I turned to her, surprised that she knew I wasn´t sleeping.
„How do you know?", I asked curiously and she giggled a bit.
„I can hear your breathing. When you´re asleep, you breathe differently.", she explained to me. So she was listening to my breathing? I guess she could hear eat, sure she could, there was a complete silence in the room.
„But you should go to sleep.", I told her.
Instead of listening to me, she turned to her side to face me and she stroked my cheek softly. I shivered at the contact and I guess she could feel it, because she took her hand away from my face.
„What´s wrong, Tee? Is it still about the thing that happend? I told you I am sorry. I don´t want to make you angry or to fight with you. Remember our deal?", she said to me and I sighed.
She tried so hard to make our relationship work. I´ve never seen her care about us this much. She really didn´t want to fight, she wanted just a peace and that´s what I wanted too.
„I am not angry, Sasa.", I told her in a soft voice.
„Then what is it?"
What was I about to say? That in the last couple of days I am feeling these things I shouldn´t? That when I saw her tonight naked I was thinking about her in a way that´s inappropriate for her sister? But she was my twin. She could almost read my mind and she knew when I was lying to her. She knew me to well and I was sure as hell she suspected at least a little what was going on with me.
„Sara, I...I think there is something wrong with me. But I really don´t want to talk about it. You are here because it´s about you, not me. I don´t want you to be worried about some stupid thing that´s going on with me.", I said and I felt her hand on my own.
She was silent for a while, still looking into my eyes, like she tried to read my mind. She wanted to know what was going on with me. And I know she knew it. She had to. There was no way she didn´t know it, I could see it in her eyes.
Then she moved her body closer to mine, she rested her hand on my stomach and her face on my shoulder. I was thinking she understood that I didn´t want to talk about it, so she just snuggled to me and let the sleep take over her, but before she fell asleep, she whispered something into my ear.
„Maybe there is something wrong with us both, Tegan."
The next morning
The hand that was softly stroking my stomach woke me up. I knew it was Sara´s way of waking me up, because she was probably ready for the next day, but she didn´t want to wake me up in a way I wont like.
But I would like some other way more, even though it would be screaming into my face, because those strokes were making me feel butterflies in my stomach and that was wrong, AGAIN.
„Did I wake you up?", she asked me innocently and I smirked.
„Don´t act innocent, you did it on purpose.", I said to her and I grabbed her hand that was rested on my stomach and held it in my own.
She giggled into my neck and moved her leg so it was between mine and that made me even more nervous, but I tried not to think so serious about it. That was the only way I could survive it. But I have to tell you, that it was a perfect feeling, to be so close to her. She was very soft and I liked that feeling of her being snuggled into me. She was so warm...
„Well, don´t say you didn´t like waking up like that? Would it be better if I would wake you up with a „Tegan, move your lazy ass and get the fuck out of the bed"?", she asked me and I giggled.
„That´s how you used to waking me up.", I reminded her.
„Yeah, I know. That´s why I´m telling you this."
„But you are at my house, remember? My house, my rules. I can sleep until I want.", I told her and I turned to the other side, closed my eyes and smiled, because I knew it was irritating her.
„Tee, it´s noon already! How can you sleep for so long?", she asked me and I didn´t reply to that. I kept my eyes closed, even though I wasn´t going to sleep. I was just playing with her.
„Tegan! Wake up!", she shouted at me, but I heard her giggling into that.
„Make me!", I murmured to the sheets my face was burried in and I should have known, that this was a very bad thing to say.
As soon as I said it, I felt her whole body on my back and I gasped from the sudden weight on my back. It made me open my eyes wide. I tried to get her off of me, but she wasn´t going to loose so easily.
„You´re going to regret this, TeeTee!", she said in a playful voice and then she started tickling me.
When we were little kids, we used to have these tickle fights. I was always the stronger one, but she knew all my weak places and I was super-tickle person. So even though I was stronger than her, as soon as she started to tickling me, I couldn´t do anything, but laugh.
„Saraaaaaaaa!", I screamed and I still tried to get her down from my body, but she was still on me, her long fingers tickling my sides and my stomach.
After a while she couldn´t help herself, she started laughing too, because my laugh was just too funny for her. When she started to laugh uncontrollably, I took the opportunity and I quickly shook her off myself and I switched our positions, so I was on top of her and I held her wrists above her head, my face just inches apart from hers.
We were just looking into each others eyes and I felt the heat of the moment. She was surprised that I was able to fight her off, but she didn´t say anything. She was just looking into my eyes, her mouth opened a little and I did the same.
„Are you getting up now?", she asked me after a few minutes of just staring into each others eyes with a small smile written on her face.
„You gave me no other option."
That day we didn´t go anywhere. Both Sara and I wanted to chill for a few days, just at home. We had enough of society for a few days, because of all that touring and stuff and all we needed was each others presence.
I was watching TV, there was some football going on and I didn´t even know who was playing, but I just wanted to enjoy the game, with beer in my right hand. Sara was sitting next to me, reading her book and because I didn´t want to bother her, I silented the TV, so I was watching it without the sound.
„I wont mind it if you´ll watch it with sound, Tee.", she told me, never leaving the book with her eyes.
„Don´t worry Sar, I don´t need to hear some men commenting on what´s going on, I can see it.", I replied to her and she smiled sweetly, appreciating the fact how much I cared about her, that I even silented the football game because of her.
„Anyways, they suck today.", I said and I turned the TV off.
„What are you reading about?", I asked her curiously.
„Uhm, it´s a very...psychologic thing, you don´t like books like this.", she said to me and I raised one ofmy eyebrows.
„What about?", I asked.
„A family.", she said and I could have seen she wasn´t about to tell me what is it about, so I gave up on trying and just continued drinking my beer.
We were both quiet for like 10 minutes and my mind was going through a lot of stuff. I had to remind myself that this was all about Sara and that I have to help her with her issues. But I couldn´t stop thinking about the things that happend between us since she came to my house. I knew it was only going to be worse and I had to keep in my mind, that I have to be calm.
„Sara?", I asked her.
„Hm?"
„You still didn´t tell me what happend between you and Emy."
I know I shouldn´t ask her, I promised that to myself, but I was just curious. I didn´t want to make her feel sad again, but I just wanted to know. I wanted to know what could have happend, when these two broke up after all those years they were together.
Sara looked away from her book for the first time and she looked very seriously at me, then she closed the book and put it on the table in front of us.
„It wasn´t because of her, as you are probably thinking, Tegan.", she said and I raised both of my eyebrows in disbelief. This was something I really wasn´t waiting for. I thought that Emy did something wrong, not Sara. She was treating all her girlfriends very well and she had a huge respect for them.
Sara saw that I didn´t know what to say, so she continued.
„It´s not her fault, so please don´t blame her for this. I was the one who did all of this, who lied to her and who broke her heart so she had to break up with me.", she said and I saw the first tears running down her face.
„I-I told her the truth. I told her, that I am not in love with her as I wished I was. I told her that-that I am in love with someone else and she just lost it and started screaming and crying.", she sobbed and I quickly pulled her into a tight hug.
I couldn´t believe what she just told me. She was in love with someone else? What the hell?! I never knew her and Emy´s relationship wasn´t real. Emy really loved her and I though Sara loved Emy too, because everytime I saw them together, they both looked so happy. Was Sara really such an awesome actress, that she pretended she was in love with Emy for so long? Or someone just came into their relationship as a third wheel and messed up everything?
„Shhh.", I tried to comfort her, but she was still sobbing and crying hard.
And this is another thing I didn´t understand. Sara was always a very honest person. Why was she with Emy, when she didn´t love her? And a better quiestion is, why was she so broken and sad when they broke up? I didn´t understand anything that was going on. It was all too crazy, even for me.
„Tegan...you´re going to hate me for this.", she whispered to me as she pulled away from the hug and I didn´t know what was she talking about.
„Why would I hate you? There´s no way I will ever hate you, Sar.", I told her, wiping her tears away, but more of them came.
And that´s when it happend.
All of sudden, I felt her lips crashing into mine and the whole Universe stopped in that moment, when she kissed me for the first time like that. Her smooth lips moved on mine and after a few seconds of being in shock, I closed my eyes and I kissed her back with all I had. That surprised her, because she gasped. She didn´t expect me to kiss her back, but I really did it.
My mind went down. All that was managing my whole body were my feelings. When she felt I was kissing her back, she put her hands around my neck and she brought herself closer to me. I put my hands on her waist and I felt the heat from her body. It was the most intensive moment of my life. Her lips were so soft and when she kissed me, I felt something I never felt in my entire life. Not even Lindsey made me feel like this – like I just kissed my soulmate. Someone, who was completing me.
After 2 minutes of kissing, we both pulled away, because we needed some air to kick in. We were both breathing hard and looking into each others eyes, her forehead resting against mine.
„You are the reason I broke up with Emy. Only you.", she whispered to me and my mind was slowly starting to take control of my body again. I started realizing what just happend and I looked down.
My sister just kissed me.
I kissed her back.
She broke up with her long time girlfriend because she is in love with me.
And I feel, that I may be in love with her too.
„How could you hide it for so long? I couldn´t hide it even for 3 days.", I told her and she giggled a bit.
„Guess I am the good one at hiding feelings.", she whispered.
For a few minutes we were just looking at each other. It really happend. We kissed. I wasn´t expecting this to happen, never, in my entire life. But it happend. If I only knew that THIS was the reason Sara was so clingy with me. If I only knew, that I was the only person, who could make her forget about Emy, because she was actually in love with me. If I only knew, that I was going to slowly fell in love with her too...
„Is this the reason you were so angry at me during the tour?", I asked her in a whisper and she smiled weakly and nodded.
„I didn´t know what else to do, Tegan. It was the worse thing I ever felt. I was completely hopeless. I couldn´t stand Emy as my girlfriend anymore and when we broke up, it made me even more angry. I was thinking, that maybe it will make you go away from me, maybe you will just break off the band and I will never see you again. And I will forget about you. But then, when we had that fight, I realized I can´t live without you. I really can´t.", she explained to me, a few tears escaped her eyes, but I quickly wiped them away with my thumb.
„Sara...", I whispered, because I couldn´t stand to see her so sad.
And now I knew that I was the reason she was so broken. No Emy, but me. How could I not see that she felt something to me? Well, it´s Sara. First of all, I never thought about it, because she is my SISTER. And second, she really can hide her feelings good. Very good. Even from her own twin, her other half.
„Did you kiss me back just because you feel sorry for me?", she shot a direct question that left me out of my breath.
„Of course not, Sar. I would never do that just because of that.", I replied to her and stroked her cheek softly with my right hand.
„So...you-you can feel something...too?", she asked me shyly and she sounded like a 5-years old kid, who is asking her mother for a lollipop.
I giggled a bit and smiled as the memories of our awkward moments from the last few days came to my mind. I felt so stupid.
„Isn´t it obvious? Did you see me yesterday?", I asked her and she smiled.
I leaned over and I kissed her again. This time it was more passionate and I even had my tongue inside of her mouth, massaging her own tongue softly. She moaned to the kiss and I smiled against her lips, because it was the sweetest noise she ever made.
We pulled away and she looked into my eyes like she was honestly in love with me and she smiled, I smiled back. But suddenly, her face turned into a very sad expression.
„Tegan...you know how wrong is this, right?", she started, but I shushed her with my finger on her lips.
„Listen to me, Sara. I know, I know how wrong it is. But can we deal with those things tomorrow? Today, I just...I just want to be with you like there is nothing wrong with that. Like there is noone else but us. Can we do that, please?", I asked her and she smiled.
„Since I am Canadian and you said „please", I have to say yes.", she told me and I smiled with my gummy smile.
I was scared. Yes, I was and I am not denying it, but when I saw Sara´s sad eyes, I wanted her to know that it isn´t hopeless. Of course I thought it was all wrong and I was blaming myself for feeling this way, but now I knew I wasn´t alone in this. And I knew I couldn´t turn my back to her now, when she conffessed her love for me. It would be so selfish if I would just run away from her, even though I am feeling the same way about her.
This is the time for me to be the big sister, to protect her and to be by her side. This is the time to be strong and to be the real Tegan. That means I wont deny these feelings anymore and I will be honest with myself and also with her. I wont walk away. I will fight for this. I will fight for us and I wont be afraid of it. I have to be strong, for both of us.
We both walked to my bedroom and we layed on the bed, only in our underwear. No, don´t think about it in the sexual way. We just wanted to cuddle for the rest of the day and we wanted to feel comfortable. Even though it wasn´t easy to cuddle with Sara only in her white tank top and black Calvin Klein boxers that were hidding her intimate area, without thinking about it.
I held her in my arms, her head was rested on my chest and her hand was softly rubbing my tummy, only making me feel like a horny teenager.
„Sara?"
„Yeah?"
„Can you please stop with that? I am sure you don´t want my hormones to take control over my body.", I said to her and she giggled and looked up to me.
„How do you know?", she whispered to me and then kissed my neck, but harder than I expected. I was sure she´ll left a hickey on that spot and I left out a small moan, that only made her smile against my skin.
She moved up my neck, jaw, leaving small marks and then she finally got to my lips and she kissed me slowly at first, but then I felt all that heat in the kiss and my heart started beating fast and I couldn´t breathe normally. Shit, she was really doing things to me and my body was responding.
I felt both of her hands under my shirt, softly stroking my stomach and both of my hands were in her hair, encouraging her to do what she wanted to. But I wasn´t sure about it. I hoped it was only a make out session, because we just...we just conffessed our love for each other, it was too soon to do something like that.
„Mpf, Sara...", I moaned. My body didn´t want her to stop, but my mind did. I wanted her so fucking much, but I also knew it will be better for both of us if we will wait.
„What is it?", she whispered into my ear in a very seductive voice that was killing me.
„W-we should wait with this. Don´t get me wrong, I would love to do that right here right now, but I want to wait. Because I respect you and this what we have.", I explained to her and she looked me in the eye and smiled sweetly.
„Awwww, TeeTee...You care so much about me.", she said and she kissed my lips once again, but this time it was her way to say „thank you".
„But it doesn´t mean we can´t continue with this, if I will stop it soon enough, right?", she asked me, seductively again and I couldn´t say no to her. I just smirked and kissed her deeply, enjoying that feeling of her tongue in my mouth, fighting for dominance with my own.
She moved her hands from my stomach to my wrists and she pinned them above my head so I couldn´t move and I liked it, actually. I never guessed Sara could be so...dominate like this, but I wasn´t complaining about it. I throw my brain together with my thoughs away and I let my feelings and heart to control everything I was doing.
Sara kept on kissing me, then she moved to my neck and started marking me again by sucking on my skin hard and my eyes were rolling to the back of my head, it felt just that amazing. Her right thigh moved between my legs and I let out a deep moan, feeling myself getting wet as hell.
„I guess this is the part I should stop, or you will cum in a few.", she whispered to me and giggled, then pulled herself away from me and layed down next to me.
I had to calm myself down. My whole body was trembling from the excitment, I was breathing hard and I could hear my heart beating really fast. My mouth was wide opened and Sara was laughing next to me, because of my reaction to those things she did to me.
„Well, I didn´t even try so much and look what I did to you.", she said to me in a playful tone and I turned my head to her and smiled.
„You know you are torturing me, right?", I asked her and she smiled cockily, proud of herself.
The rest of the day we spent in my bed. She was in my arms all the time. We were talking for a couple of minutes, then we just layed in a pure silence and we listened to each others breathing and heartbeats. It was all about enjoying each others presence, until we could.
She fell asleep somewhere around 7 PM, but I was still awake. I was afraid of tomorrow, because I knew wha was coming. It was the day we will start to deal what we just experienced about each other. It was going to be the day, that the hell will start for the both of us.
And all I wished was, that I wouldn´t wake up, but I will be just sleeping with Sara in my arms forever.