Chapter 5: Terrible Storm
It was 6 in the morning, when I was fully awake and I couldn´t sleep. Sara was still sleeping, with her head on my chest and her arms around my belly, it made me smile a bit. She was in a restful sleep, I heard her steady breathing and it made me very calm. Just the feeling of her body on mine made me feel like everything was like it´s supposed to be.
My mind went slowly to those things that happend to us. Maybe I knew about this a lot sooner, I just didn´t exactly know what it was. What if I felt like this my whole life and I just didn´t know what it was, I didn´t know what to do?...
Well, I always felt very protective around Sara, since our childhood. When someone was going to hurt her, even if it was our mom only with her words, I was always there for her and I always protected her, no matter what. I read somewhere, that twins believe each other more, than they believe anybody else, even if it´s their own mother. And that´s true. When my mom was about to throw shit at Sara, I always stood by her side and I never let mom to hurt her in any way possible.
We always had our own world we lived in, when we were small kids. I remeber that. We never left each others side and we were holding hands for most of the time. It was our own world, we never needed anybody else in it. Just her and me and that was it. The first problems began when we went to the Elementary school and we got into different classes. It was our mothers idea, becase she thought we spend too much time together and it wasn´t good for us. We needed to get into the society and that just literally broke me.
I remember the first day of school like it was yesterday...
I was sitting in the back of the class and I never felt so bad as I felt in that moment. I was there alone, without her and it was killing me. All those other kids I didn´t know where smiling, laughing and playing games, but I was just sitting there quietly, all by myself.
After some time, they started noticing my presence there and they started whispering, looking at me like I was an alien and they were laughing at me. Because I was alone. And I didn´t want to be a part of the society they were in. I just wanted Sara by my side.
If only she was there with me, I wouldn´t care if someone else was there, making fun of me or what. She was all I needed to feel comfortable, safe and not alone.
During the classes I didn´t even pay attention to the teacher. All I could think about was Sara. I was worried that something might happen to her. What if someone attacked her? What if someone made fun of her like they made from me? I wanted to be with her so badly, I felt that her piece of me was missing, but I couldn´t do anything about it.
When I got home, I hugged her really tightly and I didn´t even want to let her go. I wanted to hold her forever, but after some time I decided to pull away from the hug. When I looked into her eyes, I saw that there was something different in them.
„So, how was your first day, girls?", our mother asked us as we were sitting on the couch next to her, I was holding Sara´s hand.
„It was great! I have new friend, her namy is Kate and she is really cool. We were talking almost all day.", Sara said and that´s when something inside of me broke.
I almost didn´t survive the first day, that´s how bad I felt without her. She was my twin, my other half and we were never separated, until that day. And she...she found a new friend. She didn´t look like she missed me or she was as scared as I was. Nope. She found someone else and I felt jealousy growing inside of me.
„That is great, Sara! And what about you, Tegan?", mom asked me and I couldn´t handle it anymore.
I stood on my feet and I ran to our room, tears falling down my face as I cried hard. I locked myself inside of my and Sara´s room, I sat in the corner of the room and I cried...And cried...
That memory was very painful. Actually, it was something that inspired me to write „The Con." Since that moment in my life, I cried a lot. Mom asked me what was wrong, if someone bullied me in the school or what, but I never told her what was wrong with me. I guess she could figure it our by herself, but I never said it aloud. Not even to Sara.
I was too proud to admit that I was nothing without Sara, I was barely surviving and she was acting like it was not a big deal. I never told her how I felt about that and as the time passed and we grew older, we lost that pure connection we had as a kids and a lot of things changed.
I started to be more into society, because I had to. I found some friends and I tried not to be in Sara´s presence for too long. I wanted so badly to be like her, to be the one that didn´t need the other, but it was impossible. Even though we fought a lot and I was acting like I didn´t care, I was always there for her. Even after what happend, I always wiped her tears when she cried, I always listened to her when she had some problems and I always protected her when someone tried to hurt her.
Sara ... she was different. Even though she was the first one that got into the society succesfully, after some time she started to be more quiet and she got lost into her own world of fantasy, because of those books she always read. I knew that there was something that was bothering her, but I never said anything. I was there for her. That´s all she needed.
„What are you thinking about?", I heard her softly asking me and I looked at her sleepy face and weak smile. She was probably awake for a while, but I was so lost in my thoughs I didn´t even notice.
„I was thinking about our first day in school.", I said honestly and she sighed, knowing what I meant.
„That´s when we started to loosing each other.", I added and she slowly sat up on the bed and then she moved on top of me, kneeling on my stomach, looking right into my eyes.
„I did it on purpose, Tegan.", she said and I frowned, confused by her words.
„How do you mean that?"
She sighed again, looking down and then her eyes find their way to mine again.
„I just wanted to try how it would be without you. I wanted to somehow break that what we had, because it was scaring me.", she whispered to me and I opened my mouth, even though I didn´t know what should I say. It hurt me.
„W-why would you do that? Sara, it was the best thing in my life. You were the best thing in my life, you still are. That connection we had, it was so pure.", I said and I felt a single tear falling down my cheek. Sara noticed it and wiped it away softly with her thumb.
„I-I didn´t mean it like that, TeeTee. Of course I loved it and it was really hard for me too, maybe even harder than it was for you. I just didn´t show it. I was scared, because...Some kids in my class started making fun of us, they said that it´s weird we are always together and that day I heard my mom talking to my teacher, saying that it´s better to be separated, because we need to find our own ways to the society.", she explained to me, while she softly stroke my cheek, tears still forming in my eyes.
„B-but why did you believe them? Do you know how hurt I was? How many nights I cried because of it? I thought you didn´t like me anymore, I thought I did something wrong and I felt so fucking alone!", I said loudly, but I didn´t scream. I didn´t want to fight with her, I just wanted her to know how I felt, how hurt I was.
„Tegan, please, don´t cry. I am sorry, I really am. I fucked up...", she said and I saw a few tears rolling down her face. That was even worse, to see her crying, so I sat up and I pulled her into a hug. I made big circles on her back with my hand and I took her scent into me, feeling like I was home.
„It´s okay, Sar. I don´t want you to feel bad for that. We were both just kids back then.", I whispered into her ear and she pulled back from the hug, resting her forehead against mine.
„When we grew older, it got only worse.", she whispered and I could see sadness and pain in her eyes, that were locked with mine, as she said it.
„What exactly do you mean?", I asked her, but suddenly we both heard the bell ringing and she jerked away from me from the shock. Actually, I was shocked even more, my heart was beating fast and I was only praying, that it wasn´t Lindsey. That would literally ruin our time we needed to spend together to figure everything out.
„A-are you waiting for someone?", Sara asked as she nervously got up from the bed and I shooked my head, following her and putting my black oversized hoodie and some shorts on.
„Stay here.", I told her as I walked out of the room, down the stairs to the front door. I took a deep breath and prayed once more, before I opened the door.
Well, if I thought that it will be bad if it was Lindsey, this was even worse.
„Hi, Tegan, honey!", my mom greeted me and she pulled me into a tight hug. I don´t know how my face looked in the moment, because I felt surprised, shocked and scared all at once. Not that I wasn´t happy to see my mother after all those long months on tour, but this wasn´t a good time for her to come to my house.
„Hey, mom. What are you doing here?", I asked her and she pulled away from the hug, studying my face.
„Am I interrupting something?", she asked, her face serious and I just smiled and shooked my head.
„No, don´t worry, Lindsey is not at home.", I informed her, because I knew exactly what she thought.
Suddenly, her face lighten up even more than when she saw me a minute ago, she was looking over my shoulder. I turned around and saw Sara standing there in her PJ´s, her arms crossed at her chest and I knew it meant she felt like she had to protect herself.
„Sara! You´re here with you´re sister after such a long tour? That´s great! I am so happy you are spending some time together!", my mom shouted and she walked past me to give Sara a big hug.
Sara hesitated, but hugged her back, and while they were hugging, she locked her eyes with mine and I saw that pure sadness and guilt in them, it sent shivers and a bad feeling through my whole body.
Our mother was here in the worst time possible. After everything that happend in the past days, I knew that this was something we couldn´t make without feeling terrible. I felt that Sara felt even worse than me, it was too much for her to handle, but she tried to hide it. We couldn´t just show that there is something going on between us in front of our mother, so we had to act like everything´s okay.
„How long have you been here?", mom asked Sara as we all walked to my living room and we sat on the couch, mom looked pretty tired from the ride to here.
„A few days. We wanted to spend some time together, you know. Just some sister times, without thinking about work and stuff.", she explained to her and all her emotions were perfectly hidden, again. I was seriously amazed by this, she could be an actress, if she couldn´t sing.
„That´s great. Well, I came to Vancouver to see you, Tegan and then to see some family members, so I´m not gonna stay for a long time.", she said.
„It´s okay, mom. Stay as long as you want to. Do you want a coffee or something to eat?", I asked her and I stood up slowly.
„Uh, sure. It was a long ride.", she said and I started walking to the kitchen, but then I saw Sara standing too.
„I am gonna help her, you know that she can´t cook so well and we don´t want to poison you.", she joked and I rolled my eyes and smiled a bit, then we both dissapeared in the kitchen, Sara closed the door.
She leaned against the door and burried her face in her hands, I quickly walked to her and held her in my arms, knowing that this was just too much, even for her. She tried to act normal, but even Sara wasn´t that strong to handle this kind of situation.
„H-how can we even look her in the eyes?", she sobbed into my shoulder and I held her tighter.
This was the most fucked up situation. Yeah, we wanted to start dealing with it today, but not like this. It all came to us like a hurricane and now we didn´t know what do to. I didn´t know what to do, I mean, Sara was crying into my shoulder and I was about to cry too, but I knew I was supposed to be the strong one now.
„Shhh, Sar, look at me.", I whispered to her. She slowly looked at me, shaking in my hands and I tried to comfort her as much as I could, because it was killing me to see her like that.
„Everything will be fine, okay? I am here with you. Just act like nothing happend and she will leave without even suspecting something.", I whispered to her, her forehead rested against mine.
„B-but I don´t know if I can do that. Lie to our own mother like that.", she said weakly and I sighed heavily, knowing that she was 100% right about this, but we HAD to hide it. We couldn´t just tell her what happend, even if we wanted to.
„Plus, she´s a therapist. She can see if there´s something wrong with us."
„Yeah, but...We have to try it. She wont suspect anything, just believe me and get yourself together. I am right by your side, okay?", I said and she looked into my eyes and she kept looking into them for a moment, then she smiled a bit and nodded.
„We should make her that breakfast.", she said and then we started with it. I was actually only watching Sara, as she was making some eggs and bacon and I was lost in my thoughs, while she was doing her magic.
„Are you going to just stand there or you´ll help me?", she asked me with a smile and I smiled back at her. She looked just adorable when she was doing something in kitchen.
„Sorry, you said I´m going to poison our mom.", I said and she giggled and shooked her head, then she took the plate with the breakfast and walked back to the living room, where was our mom waiting.
„Thank you, Sara.", mom said and started eating.
„I´m going to get dressed.", Sara informed us and before she left to my bedroom, she sent me a quick look that said something like „handle it, I will be right back" and I just nodded and looked back at mom.
„So, how was the tour?", she asked me.
„Well, it went pretty good. Once one crazy fan jumped on the stage, but thankfully she didn´t hurt us or anything.", I said and I laughed at the memory of that girl. She was just so excited she couldn´t stay down in the audience. Sara was pissed off because of that, but I wasn´t . If I was on concert of my favourite band, I would probably try something like that too.
„Really? Wow. Your fans are sometimes really...crazy.", she said and I nodded.
„Yeah, well. We are driving them crazy, it´s our fault.", I said and I leaned my back against the couch, still kind of sleepy.
Mom was eating and I felt her eyes on me, like she was thinking about something really hard. I tried not to think about the worst things that could go through her mind and I just cleared my own mind for a moment, but then she spoke.
„Why is Sara here?", she asked me and I looked at her with my eyebrows raised.
„What do you mean why? She told you the reason already. We want to spend some time together, because we...well, we fought a lot and now we want to get things right somehow.", I explained to her and she nodded slowly.
„You fought again?", she asked me, really concerned about this.
„Yeah, it was horrible.", I said and I remembered that fight. It was the worst fight we ever had...
„Why?"
I swallowed hard and looked at her. Our mom was a therapist and she always kept asking us stuff. Even when something small happend between us, she was asking us a million questions and it was pissing us both off. It was like she was our therapist more than she was our mom.
„Sara and Emy broke up.", I said to her and that´s when Sara walked back to the living room, I saw that she heard my words, because her face went sad again.
Mom opened her mouth in disbelief and she turned to Sara that sat next to her by her other side without a word. This was a very sensitive subject, for both of us. Emy was like a part of our family, I mean, they were married! And Sara told me, that...they basically broke up because of me. Because of those feelings Sara has towards me...
„For God sake, why?! And why don´t I know about it?", mom asked Sara and she was still shocked, not in a very positive way, because she really loved Emy. I mean, who doesn´t love Emy, she is just too sweet and too kind to everyone.
„Mom, it´s my own bussines. We just broke up, okay? It didn´t work anymore.", she said, obviously annoyed with this and mom just shooked her head.
„You are unbelievable, Sara. I still don´t understand why didn´t you tell me anything? You could call me at least.", she said and we both knew mom was dissapointed in her, because she didn´t tell her such an important thing.
„Sorry, mom. It was just...pretty tough for me and I needed some time.", she explained to her.
„Oh, okay. I understand.", she said and then she hugged her.
„And why did you two fight because of it?", mom asked us then and Sara gave me a very bad look. I knew I deserved it for not keeping my big mouth shut.
„I was just too angry and...Poor Tegan wanted to help me, but I was just being a bitch.", Sara explained to her and she slowly nodded. She didn´t say anything else and we started some new topic to avoid this subject.
Mom stayed until the afternoon. We talked about the tour and about her and Bruce and other typical things. Both me and Sara still felt guilty, but for some time we didn´t think about it and we were just enjoying our mom´s presence. We both missed her, I mean, we didn´t see her for a long time and even though we are already 27 years old, we still have a strong relationship with her. She was always there for us, no matter what was happening. And who knows, maybe it wont last like that for much longer...
Anyways, when our mom left us, with us promising we will come to visit her soon, it was the time for us to have the talk about us. I sat on my bed, while Sara was standing in front of the window with her arms crossed on her chest, watching the rain outside.
„Do you know that I wrote „Terrible Storm" about us?", she broke the silence after a while and I gave her my full attention.
„Really?", I asked her, surprised.
She turned to me and slowly walked to the bed.
„Yeah. In that time I was fully realizing my feelings for you. Well, I always knew there was something, but in this time I knew it for sure. And you found Lindsey and...I didn´t know how should I feel. I felt guilty because of my feelings, I felt love, I felt hopelessness and I felt jealousy, because Lindsey took you from me.", she confessed and my mouth was opened in shock.
„I thought you would never find another love again...", I whispered slowly those lyrics of the song and I finally understood what it was about.
„It was also inspired by that book I told everyone, but this...You, you were the main reason I wrote that song. Terrible storm is inside of me every single day of my life and I can´t stop it.", she said and I grabbed her hand and held it in my own.
I didn´t know what to say. She was really sad, but she didn´t cry. She was just looking into my sheets, never looking into my eyes.
„I wish I could know this a lot sooner, Sar. But I was too stupid. Since our childhood I knew that there was something more...But I always thought it was just a twin thing. When we grew older, I had some...some feelings towards you, but...I wanted to be always with you, by your side, but you kept pushing me away and maybe that´s why I never seen what´s really going on.", I said.
Sara looked shyly into my eyes.
„I kept pushing you away, because I was scared of it. You was always the one that was there for me, supporting me and even though I was a bitch, you never left me. You were protecting me and I-I...I just love it about you. I love how much you care about me. No one ever did.", she said and her voice cracked at the end of the last sentence.
This was true. Me, the sentimental one, the one that always care and never say no to her twin. Sara, the quiet one, that is annoyed with my presence, doesn´t like to touch me...But that was just a mask. She was just too scared to admit it.
„You could tell me.", I whispered to her and she looked at me like I was insane.
„Are you kidding me, Tegan? And what was I supposed to say? Uh, Tegan, I am probably in love with you, is that okay?", she shouted and I sighed.
It really sounded crazy and if I knew what I felt, I would probably never even mention it. She was right, but if she would tell me how she feel, I wont hate her. That´s for sure.
„I wouldn´t hate you. I would just need some time to think. Like now.", I said.
„You need some time for thinking?", she asked me and I didn´t know, if it hurt her or not.
„Not anymore. I was already thinking about it a lot.", I said to her and squeezed her hand.
„And? What did you figure out?", she asked me, curious.
I slowly sat up, grabbed her chin and pulled her face really close to mine, just inches apart and I locked my eyes with hers. The look in her eyes was tired and hopeless, and I wanted to get that all away.
„We can´t fight with it, Sar. It was always here and we can´t pretend it will just go away. I...I love you and I will be with you forever, no matter what. Both me and you, we can´t be happy without each other. It´s just how it is. I can´t change the fact that I love you.", I whispered to her and I kissed her slowly, she kissed me back, but then she pulled away.
„I love you too, Tegan. But...we can´t do this. I mean, how? How do you want to do this? We can´t tell anybody. Not even our mom, friends or anybody else.", she said and I sighed.
„I know. But we can keep it as a secret."
„But...it´s wrong.", she said, almost whimpered and looked down.
I pulled her head back up and looked deeply into her eyes.
„Love is never wrong, Sara. If we wont hurt anybody, it can´t be wrong. This thing we have together, the fact that our souls are on this journey together, that´s not wrong. It can´t be.", I said and then I kissed her again, this time neither of us pulled away for a while.
I knew it wasn´t going to be easy, but it was still a better choice, than pretending that it´s not there. Sara was hurt for so many years and I couldn´t let her be like that anymore. Plus, I also felt love to her.
Sinful Love...