Chapter 6: The Ocean

It was 2:33 AM and I couldn´t sleep. I know that Sara couldn´t sleep too, because she wasn´t breathing as restful as she used to when she was asleep. We were just laying in my bed, Sara was in my arms and I played with strands of her hair softly.

Inside of me was a war. My thoughs were fighting inside of my head and I don´t even want to mention what was my heart doing to me.

It came to us all of sudden. Well, to me. Sara, she was the smart one. She knew it from the start. I was denying it and when it finally came, I was unprepared. Or was I?

I mean, I didn´t ran away. I didn´t shout at her. I didn´t break down. I was quite...okay. And that´s the weird thing about it. Maybe I still didn´t realize what happend. Maybe I didn´t realize that my sister broke up with her wife because of me, I didn´t realize she was in love with me all those long years, I didn´t realize I started to realizing those feelings towards her too, I didn´t realizie we kissed, we made out and we pretended in front of our own mother that everything is okay. I didn´t realize I practically cheated on my girlfriend I fought so long for with my own twin sister...

It felt just so goddamn right. Like it was always here and it just got out of nowhere finally, after so long. For me it felt very natural. I don´t know, if I have ever think like this about my sister, but now, I was really feeling like I was falling for her. Shouldn´t it be gross for me? To think like that about my sister?

But it wasn´t like I was in love with myself. She isn´t like me. She looks differently, she acts differently and she is different in so many ways... She is beautiful, smaller and tinier than me and like 100% smarter. I love the way I make her giggle everytime I say something funny or stupid. I love when she smirks at me, I love when she´s singing on the stage, giving everything she has inside of her into her songs. She is such a small person with such a strong personality and I am amazed by that.

I always believed that our souls are meant to be together, no matter what life are we living now. But back then I thought about it as a twin thing. This isn´t a twin thing anymore...But who knows? Maybe it´s okay to be in love with each other, when we are a part of this special kind of connection.

Incest sounds like something gross, something that scares everyone and it´s not allowed anywhere. People will look at you like you´re either insane or just some kind of a monster. But I never wanted this to happen, it just...happend. And I didn´t mean it in any bad way – those feelings I feel towards Sara aren´t creepy or wrong. They are pure, just as her beautiful soul. I don´t understand why should it be wrong...but it just is.

„Are you thinking about the same thing as I am?", Sara asked quietly and I cuddled her a bit closer to me, because I knew she felt very vulnerable in these times. Sara was always protecting herself with those walls she build around herself and with her bad words, but now, she didn´t have anything, only me. And I felt like I had to protect her all the time.

„I guess so.", I replied and she sighed, then she sat up on me and even though I didn´t see her, I felt that her face was just inches apart from mine.

„Tegan, I...I have no idea how will we get through this. I don´t know if I´m strong enough and-and...I don´t want you to ruin your life just because of me. I mean, our family, friends, Linds-", I didn´t let her finish the sentence, and I interrupted her with one soft, slow kiss on her lips.

She hesitated at first, surprised by that kiss, but then she slowly melted into me and I had to hold her above me, because she would probably fall on me. When our tongues started battling for dominance, she let out a small moan and I couldn´t but smiled against her lips.

„Gosh, Tegan...", she moaned as she pulled away and I grinned at her. I loved the way I was making her feel. Like I was her first love and she was mine...

„You are not going to ruin anything, Sar. I-I know it wont be easy, but...I never felt like this before.", I confessed and I meant it.

I know there is Lindsey, but...

I felt in love with her, that´s true. I wanted her so badly, even more when she rejected me. I don´t know if I am such a competitive person or what, but I wanted to fight for her even more when she didn´t want me. And when I finally got together with her... I don´t know.

Yes, I love her and she is my girlfriend, I love kissing her and cuddling with her and making love and everything, but...I am starting to get used to it and I feel like the love I had for her is slowly getting away from me. Plus, I know she is still not very sure with her feelings to me. She was with men during her whole lifetime. She even married one. How can I suspect she will feel the same things to me she felt to them?

With Sara it was completely different. I was noticing all those small things about her and I found them cute. I loved her being next to me, I loved being with her and everytime I kissed her or something, I felt...in love, in the most magical way possible. And it felt right. Like nothing else in my life ever did. She brought butterflies to my stomach and stupid smirks on my face.

Like a first love...

„Tegan?", she interrupted my thoughs.

„Hm?"

„Do you...do you remember the first time you kissed me?", she asked me and I frowned.

„Uh, it was like two days ago...", I said slowly, confused a little by that question.

„Nope. The very first time you kissed me.", she said and looked carefully into my eyes, I frowned and I opened my mouth a bit. What the hell was she talking about?

„I know you don´t remember it, Tegan. We went to the therapist for a long time and you...you somehow pushed those memories away.", she mumbled and I didn´t know if I should believe her or not.

„W-what are you talking about? You think I will forget something like that?", I asked her, kinda upset.

But when I saw her sad expression, my face and voice softened and I softly grabbed her chin and kissed her on lips. I hated it when I made her sad, it was the last thing I wanted to do, so I tried to cherry her a bit and of course, it works.

„Tell me about it.", I whispered against her lips and she smiled and blushed.

„When we were 18, we went to a party...", she started and that´s when it all hits me.

„Hey Sara, are you ready?", I called for her from the living room, where I was waiting for her.

We were both about to go to a party that one girl was making. Her name was Jenny and she was my good friend and she invited me, and since Sara was spending most of the time in her freaking books, I decided I will take her with me.

It was always Sara that spend all her time on parties with her friends, doing acid, drinking beer and stuff, but in the last couple of months it was like we switched and she started to be very introverted, while I found some friends I was spending my time with.

I don´t know what happend to her, but it kind of hurt me to see her like that. Even though we had a lot of fights, she was still the closest person I had and even though she would never admit it, we care about each other a lot. Well, at least I do.

„Coming!", Sara shouted from her room, annoyance in her voice and I rolled my eyes. She didn´t want to go with me, but mom forced her to, because even she noticed that she´s acting weird in the last couple of weeks and she wanted us to be together more often.

„Be careful and take care of your little sister, okay?", mom told me.

„Mom, she is not a kid anymore. She is my twin, she can take care of herself.", I said.

„Tegan, listen to me. Your sister is very vulnerable, even though she doesn´t look like she is. Take a good care of her, okay? You are supposed to do that. You are the stronger one.", she said and I slowly nodded.

I knew she was right about this, I was just kind of scared of that responsibility, because I knew that Sara was really vulnerable in these days and you know...What if I will fuck it up? That just can´t is...too important.

„Don´t worry mom, she´ll be okay.", I said and she smiled, then I saw Sara slowly walking down the stairs with some expression written on her face that I couldn´t quite read.

„Hey, smile a bit. You´re going to the best party in the whole Calgary.", I tried to cheer her up a bit, but she just smiled weakly and then her face went back to the normal, which was sad.

„Have fun.", mom told us before we both left the house.

After half an hour we finally walked to Jenny´s house and we could hear the noisy music from a mile. Yeah, well, Jenny was a really crazy girl that loved good music and making out with either girls and boys, which was a good thing for me.

„Oooooh, if these are not my favourite Calgary twiiiins!", she shouted at us as we walked to the house, obviously she was drunk already. She hugged us both with a beer in her right hand.

I could see Sara wasn´t feeling very comfortable, but what should I´ve done about it?

„Okay, so, there´s beer, if you want to have some fun with someone, there are free rooms upstairs and I guess you can find some weed here too if you´re lucky. I´m gonna get some more beer now.", she told us and she dissapeared somewhere.

Sara still looked lost. I felt so bad for her, I wanted to just...just hold her all the time and tell her that she can tell me whatever is bothering her, but I knew she wont let me and she wont tell. I swear I would do anything for her. But she didn´t let me and now it seemed like helping her this way wasn´t such a good idea.

„Hey Sar, go and have some fun.", I told her but she just sighed.

„I don´t know, Tegan.", she said and she looked down to the floor.

„Listen. If there´s something bothering you, the best way to forget about it is to get drunk or high or something, so go and get yourself wasted, if that´s what you need. I am here if you´ll need anything, okay?", I said and she looked at me and I saw some kind of spark in her eyes, like I just said something that actually made sense to her.

„Okay, thanks, Tee.", she said and I walked away from her.

After like 2 hours of just sitting on the couch with some bunch of people, talking about stuff and drinking some beer, I felt I was drunk a little, but I couldn´t stop thinking about Sara. I didn´t even enjoy the party much, because I felt she didn´t feel good and since we´re twins, it hurted me even physically.

„Hey, do you have any idea of where Sara is?", I asked Jenny, because it was a while I haven´t see her and I started worrying. Jenny giggled.

„Yeah, I saw her walking upstairs with some nice chick.", she said and my eyes went wide, my jaw dropped as I heard her saying that.

The fuck?! When I told her that she can get herself wasted, I didn´t mean it like that! A really REALLY strong angry feeling got inside of me as I quickly walked up the stairs, trying to find Sara in some of those rooms up there. I can´t tell you why, but I felt...jealousy? Or what the fuck was it?! No, it couldn´t be jealousy! I just...I felt angry and I wanted to get Sara and to go back home.

After two wrong rooms,in which were girls giving guys blowjobs (ewww) I finally found the one where Sara and that bitch was. They were already making out on the bed and I opened the door and a shock, rage and some another weird feeling of disgust shot through my whole body, when I saw them.

„Get the hell off of my sister!", I screamed at the blond haired girl that was really scared when she saw me, so she didn´t even complain. She just quickly jumped off Sara and walked out of the room.

„What the fuck, Tegan?!", Sara screamed at me as she walked to me and looked into my face.

„I wont let you fuck some slut in here while you´re so fucked up!", I shouted and I meant it.

„You said „go and get wasted if that´s what you need"! It´s my own goddamn bussines if I am about to fuck someone or not!", she was even more angry.

„It IS my bussines! I am suppose to take care of you! I am trying to fucking help you but you´re only doing stupid things all over again!"

„Stupid things? What stupid things?! I was just about to finally kiss someone, to finally feel someone and you ruined it!", she said and that´s when tears streamed down her face and all the anger was suddenly gone from my body, when I saw what I did. I made her cry...

„Sara...", I said softly and I put my hands on her shoulders.

„Don´t touch me, Tegan.", she sobbed and I pulled her even closer to me.

„Are you lonely? I-I can help you.", I told her and her eyes locked with mine in that moment, shocked.

„But...Tegan."

„I will always be here for you and I will always help you. With anything.", I whispered against her lips, before I closed the gap between us and I kissed her on lips.

That´s when everything went upside-down. Her lips were so soft and I was honestly surprised she didn´t pull away. Instead, she kissed me back and she wrapped her arms around my neck, while I had my hands rested on her hips.

Wow...I have kissed a couple of girls before, but this...This was just so different. She was so sweet and soft and when we kissed, it felt like I found my other half. I wasn´t thinking about all those dark things about what we were doing. I was thinking only about how amazing it felt, when our tongues danced together and when I felt her body against mine.

But then we broke the kiss and we locked eyes for a moment. What have I just done? I kissed my own sister...and I liked it...Shit. Was it the beer? But I wasn´t very drunk. I felt I had been drinking but I knew what I was doing and I felt everything perfectly. Was I jealous when I saw her with that girl? Yeah, probably...I wanted her to be only mine...I didn´t want anybody else to wipe away her tears, to find out what´s wrong with her, to hold her when she needs to...

„Sara...do you feel better now?", I asked her and she slowly nodded against mine forehead.

„Then I did a good job."

„And do you remember what happend next?", Sara asked me and I tried to remember it, but all I had in my mind was just a big black nothing. I really tried to find something, but I couldn´t .

„No."

Sara sighed and looked down, then back at me, like she felt guilty or something.

„Well, you probably know that I was acting like I was because of how I felt about you. After that kiss, you didn´t run away or something. You really tried to discuss it all and to help me with everything, but I was pushing you away and after some time we started fighting, pretty hard."

„Really?", I asked her, surprised.

„Yeah. You even...you wanted to try it, because you believed in us. It was probably the kiss that changed something in you, but I...I was fucking stupid and I was angry with you because you were doing that. You were thinking about it differently, because you didn´t give a fuck about what others thought or if it was wrong in someone´s eyes or not. You really wanted to be by my side. But I was stupid and really scared of it so I didn´t even admit my feelings for you and that caused everything of this. And when we started fighting, we went to the therapist. We never told her what exactly happend between us, but after I told you that...I hate you, you started praying that you will forget that night it happend. Somehow, you really did. You pushed that memory away."

I stared at Sara for a couple of minutes without saying a word. I needed to somehow understand what she just told me, but it was too much. My brain was too slow and all those things she just told me...It sounded just to unbelievable, but...It was true. Slowly, I could feel that something like that really happend. Memories slowly came back to my mind and I shivered because of those dark times when I felt like a mess.

I loved her from the day we kissed, but she didn´t let me to do anything. I tried to be nice to her and I remember those times I used to try anything, I was flirting with her and she liked it, but everytime we were about to kiss or something, she just ran away. She was scared. Even after I promised her I would protect her. And one day, she told me she hates me and that literally broke me...Everything inside of me was messed up, it was the worst feeling in the whole world and now I regret that she even told me this story, because that memory just came back as a pure pain.

„Tegan, are you okay?", she asked me and I looked at her, seeing her worried face.

„You said you hate me. I remember...", I whispered and she quickly interwined our fingers and she pulled herself closer to me.

„I said it 10 years ago, and it didn´t mean it. I was so fucking scared and you kept trying and...I didn´t want to mess up our lives back then.", she explained to me and I gave her a serious look.

„And what about now? Now you want it? You want to mess up our lives because of this? Or you want to mess up only our feelings?", I asked her and I felt the weight of my question. It surprised her and it took her a minute until she answered.

„I know what I want and what I want´s right here with you...", she told me softly and then she kissed all the pain away...