Chapter 7: I Was Married

The next morning I woke up in an empty bed. It scared me at first, but then I remembered last night and I was sure that Sara didn´t just leave. She wouldn´t do that, no after all of what happend. I got up from the bed, rubbing my sleepy eyes and I walked down the stairs, trying to find her.

When I walked into kitchen, I saw Sara standing there with her arms crossed on her chest, her back turned to me and she was staring out of the window. I quietly walked to her and I hugged her from behind with my hands wrapped around her stomach and my head rested on her shoulder. The warmth of her body came to mine quickly and it was the best feeling ever.

„Where did you go?", I whispered into her ear and I noticed she melted a little in my arms, but I still felt some kind of anxiety in her body.

„Emy called.", she said in a weirdly calm voice and it was like she threw a bomb. After that explosion, we were both silent for a while and I slowly pulled myself away from her and she turned to face me.

„What did she say?", I asked her, curiously.

Sara sighed and she looked down to her feet. Even though I knew she broke up with her because she was in love with me, I knew that she loved her too. Maybe not that much as she loved me, but there were some strong feelings towards that woman. I mean, they were together for a really long time and now, everything just fell apart.

„She told me I have to go back to Montreal tomorrow, because of the divorce. She wants to get divorced tomorrow...", she said it like she didn´t believe it, and when I saw she was about to cry, I hugged her again, this time very tight. She burried her head into my neck and started crying quietly, I just held her without saying anything.

It hurt me to see her like that. She was so vulnerable now and it remimded me of mom´s words, that I have to take care of her, no matter what will happend. I have to be there for her, to protect her from everything. And this was one of those moments, when I was suppose to hold her tight and make all of her nightmares go away, all of the pain dissapear.

Sara was trembling in my arms and now I really felt how much I loved her. She felt like a treasure in my arms, the warmth and softness I felt from her body made me feel like I was home and her beautiful scent made it only stronger.

After what felt like hours, she slowly pulled herself away from me and she wiped her tears with the back of her hand. Then she looked at me and spoke.

„I-I don´t want to go back there. I don´t want to be separated from you again...Not now, when I need you the most.", she said and her words sounded really painful, I knew she was dead serious. We needed a very long time to figure it all out somehow, to plan what will our next steps be.

„I can go with you. Emy wont mind it, for sure.", I told her simply and she smiled weakly.

„Do you really think it´s a good idea? I don´t know if I can handle both of you in the same room.", she said and I sighed, knowing that it wasn´t as easy as I thought.

„How long will you be there?", I asked her and I sat up on a chair, rubbing my face and trying to find some good option.

„2 days?"

Sara looked like she really didn´t want to leave me for those 2 days. I knew she was a strong woman, even stronger than me, but she wasn´t so strong to handle all of that alone. To face her wife, almost ex-wife, after that fight, after their break up, after all that happend between us, just by herself.

I grabbed Sara´s wrist and sat her down on my lap, so she was straddling me and I kissed her softly on lips, trying to calm her down a bit, and it really worked. Everytime she was in a more intimate contact with me – a hug or a kiss or anything like this, she always forgot about everything for a while and I knew she felt better, because she was melting in my arms. Actually, I felt like that too. I guess it just works like that, because we are strongly connected and everytime we are close to each other, we feel safe and right.

„It´s your decision, Sar. If you want me to go, I will. If you want me to stay, I´ll stay. Just do as you feel, okay?", I whispered against her lips and she nodded.

„Don´t leave my side, Tee. Go with me, please.", she said and I smiled sweetly.

„Then I´ll go with you.", I whispered and kissed her lips again, now more passionately than before and she moaned softly into my mouth and it started turning me on.

While her hands were wrapped around my neck, I slowly slid mine to her sides and I moved from her lips to her neck and she started breathing a bit unsteady. I kissed, licked and sucked on her soft skin slowly, feeling very horny. Sara started trembling and I couldn´t stop myself.

„T-Tegan stop, or I wouldn´t be able to stop you later.", she whispered into my ear and I lifted my head and looked into her eyes with a smirk on my face.

„Mmm, but you like that, as I can see.", I said to her in my raspy voice and she giggled and blushed a bit. She liked my cockiness and I liked her cuteness. It felt like a normal relationship and I didn´t accept the fact she was my sister. In moment like that, it felt just...right. As it should be.

Sara slowly moved closer to me and her lips were now next to my ear.

„I wasn´t the one who wanted to wait. I can jump on you whenever you want me to.", she whispered in a husky voice and I opened my mouth in shock, but I was also surprised how sexy she could be. I thought I was driving her crazy, but in fact, she drove me even crazier...

As much as I wanted to let things happen, I still wanted to somehow wait and just tease her with what I was doing to her. She could be even better teaser than me, but I wanted to try it.

„Sar, I still want to wait.", I told her and she nodded, a small light of dissapointment in her eyes, while she looked down to my lap.

I pulled her chin up to look into my eyes and I smiled at her. She was just so cute when she wanted me and she didn´t get what she wanted. It almost hurt me, but we both knew it was for the best.

„You know that I want you like I never wanted anyone, right? And I really do care about you and that´s why I want to wait. Since...since we told each other how we feel about this, I started to thinking about it a lot and I want it to be special with you. I want to do all those things with you that couples do and that´s why I want to wait. I want us both to be ready and I want it to be special.", I said to her and she smiled after my words.

„D-do you mean it? Like...do you want a serious relationship with me?", she asked me in a whisper and I nodded and kissed her cheek gently.

„Of course I do. Even though we both know it wont be that easy and perfect...but I want to try it. And I´ll fight for it."

„Even if the whole world was against us?", she asked.

„Even if the whole Universe was against us.", I replied and she, obviously very happy about my answer, kissed me softly on my lips.

„TeeTee?", she asked me as she pulled away and I looked at her.

„Hm?"

„Can we at least cuddle? Like, spend the whole day in bed?", she asked me in her childish voice and I giggled, because I swear she was cuter each minute she was with me.

„Are you really Sara? The old Sara I know would never ever want to do that. Especially not with me.", I joked and she just smiled and shooked her head.

„I had my own reasons. With anyone else it wasn´t right and with you...I couldn´t, because I knew it would kill me.", she said and when I heard the first sighs of sadness in her voice, I grabbed her waist and I stood up together with her, while she wrapped her legs around me.

„What are you doing, Tegan?", she giggled and I smirked, while taking her up the stairs.

„I´m gonna cuddle with you in my bed while watching some cheesy movie and whispering sweet things into your ear for the rest of the day.", I told her and she kissed my nose thankfully.

„You´re perfect.", she whispered to me and I just smirked and layed her softly on the bed as I walked to my bedroom. I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. There was just Sex And The City 2 and I knew that Sara loved those movies, so I didn´t switch it. I actually like them too, because you know, Samantha´s just awesome.

I layed on the bed next to Sara and as soon as I did so, she pulled a blanket over us and she cuddled to me, so her head was resting on my shoulder and her arms were wrapped around my mid-section, our legs were tangled under the blanket and I just sighed happily and put my right hand around her back, while I interwined my fingers with hers which rested on my stomach.

„This is what I call a perfect life.", I told her and she giggled, but then she looked up to me, her expression was now fully serious.

„Enjoy it while you can.", she whispered and these words sent a very weird vibe through my whole body. I knew she was right with this. This was a really amazing and perfect moment, to be with her in my bed, cuddling and watching a comedy in TV, but it will end up soon. Who knows, how will it all end...

„Hey, Emy!", I told her with a smile on my face and as soon as she saw me, she smiled too, walked to me and gave me a big hug.

As I already mentioned, Emy was a sweatheart and I couldn´t be angry with her, like never. She was doing a great job and I loved working with her, because she was like a part of my family and nothing will ever change that fact. She never wanted to hurt anyone, she was always so sweet and kind with everyone, it was hard to believe that in this age someone like her even existed.

„Hey, Teegs! It´s been a long time! How are you?", she asked as we both pulled away from the hug and I just shrugged.

„Well, still the same. Nothing changed. Almost...", I said and then I turned around and saw Sara slowly walking towards us, with an unreadable expression written all over her face. She looked thinier than ever and I knew that this was a very hard for her, I wanted to support her whenever she needed it.

„Is she okay?", Emy asked me in a whisper and I sighed.

„I guess she is. She just needs some time, y´know.", I told her and she nodded and smiled weakly at Sara, when she finally came to us.

„Hi, Emy.", she said simply, but she didn´t look her in the eyes. She couldn´t. She was just standing in front of the woman she was with for almost 10 years now and she couldn´t even look her in the eyes, because she was in love with someone else and that broke Emy´s heart. That someone was me...Her own sister, that was now standing there, right next to them both.

I couldn´t even imagine what was going on in her head. It was difficult for me to take the whole situation easy, but Sara...she was a real fighter. I wouldn´t be able to do this. I wouldn´t handle it as good as she did. I just prayed it would stay like that for a longer than those few minutes we stood there together.

„Uh, so...We have to go to the lawyer´s office, but he wont be there for next two hours, so...Do you want to go somewhere, or?", Emy asked, not sure what to do or how to act.

Well, this was probably even harder for her. I didn´t really realize how could she feel. Emy, the kindness person on Earth, was going to divorce her wife, that confessed to her that she´s in love with someone else. My God, if she only knew what was going on...I felt guilty for that. I felt guilty for Emy. She didn´t deserve this...

She was handling the situation as well as Sara did. None of them was about to fight, they just tried to be as friendly as they could and to finally close this case. In a calm mode. And I was there, in the middle of them, the one that should make things easier for both of them, that should stand by their sides and be their friend.

Shit, this was getting really hard, but I knew I had to do that, even thought the situation was really weird. And wrong. And just...ugh.

„Sure, we can go to Starbucks or somewhere, right, Sar?", I turned to her and she just nodded and started walking towards Emy´s car, without any emotion.

I started walking behind her, but Emy´s hand stopped me. I turned to her, surprised and she sighed and looked down. Then she looked back into my eyes and my heart almost stopped as I saw that pain in her eyes.

„What did I do wrong, Tegan?", she asked me and she almost started crying, but she held herself from it.

My mouth went open and when I saw all her vulnerabity and pain in her eyes, my knees were so weak they almost let my body fell down on the ground. I´ve never seen Emy like that. She looked pretty okay few moments ago, but now, she was really...broken. Just as Sara was, maybe even more. And what´s the worst, that she never made a mistake. She never did something wrong, it wasn´t her fault at all. But she thought it was...

„Y-you didn´t do anything wrong, Emy, trust me. Sara couldn´t find a better wife than you.", I whispered those words to her and I put my hand on her back, to show my support for her, but there was no one who could support me and I felt that I couldn´t handle the situation for any longer.

„Hey, are you two going?", Sara shouted at us from the car and we both turned to her direction and nodded. Emy started walking towards the car with her head down, and when Sara sent me a questional look, I just shooked my head and sighed.

This was going to end up bad. And we both knew it...

During the time we spend in Starbucks in Montreal we barely spoke. Sara looked pal like a ghost, she just was sipping her coffee and looking down to her lap, Emy was trying to avoid any eye contact with her and I was just sitting there, coughing awkwardly and trying to somehow survive the whole situation.

I knew there was something I had to do to ease it all up, so I started with some random topic. Emy was that kind of person, that you can talk to about everything without any problems, so I used it in this situation.

„So Emy, what are you working on right now? Any new things?", I asked her and she smiled weakly.

„Well, nothing big. I was drawing some stuff for the past few days, but those are just...for me. Nothing special, you know. I just don´t want to get bored.", she told me and I knew that it was probably hard for her now to draw something. But perhaps now, when she was going through these stuff, she has a lot of inspiration. Me, as a songwriter, I know exactly how it feels.

„Well, after some time we would like to start with working on a new album and you can think about some ideas for it.", I told her with a smile on my face and now both Sara and Emy were staring at me like I just said something shocking.

And then I realized why...

„D-do you still want me to work for you?", she asked, confused and surprised at once and I just looked at Sara, who still looked very uncomfortable about these things.

„Can we talk about this in private, Em? Please?", Sara spoke quietly and Emy just nodded, stood up and left to the bathrooms. As soon as she dissapeared, Sara turned to me and gave me an angry look.

„Are you insane?! You still want her to work for us?", she asked me in a half-scream half-whisper and I pulled my hands up in defence.

„Hey, hey, slow down! You are always the one telling me that personal life doesn´t affect anything in business, so what? Emy didn´t deserve this and we both know it. You want her to loose her job too? We can´t do this to her. I feel pretty guilty and bad for her even now.", I said and Sara looked taken back with my words and she didn´t know what to say for a while.

„Y-you fell guilty?! I am the one who should feel like that!"

„I know! But I am in this too! And I can´t even fucking look her in the eyes!", I almost screamed at her, even though I never wanted to start a fight. It just all came into me and I couldn´t stop it. It was all too emotional and messed up and I couldn´t hold it in me for any time longer.

Sara didn´t say anything back. I knew I crossed the line, because she turned back and looked down. Fuck, this was the last thing I wanted to do, to fight with Sara now, when we needed each other´s support the most.

„Do what you want.", she whispered, upset and I barely heard her.

I sighed and put my arms around her shoulder and brought myself closer to her, to give her a warm hug. I wanted to show her that I don´t want to fight with her, I don´t want to put all the blame on her, I just want to make things rights and to be by her side.

„Sasa, I´m sorry. I didn´t want to be mean to you or anything. I just seriously think Emy doesn´t deserve to be fired for your personal business, okay?", I whispered into her ear.

„It´s okay, Tee. I know this must be hard for you too, I just want you to realize that it wont be easy with Emy around all the time. The guilt with haunt us both.", she said coldly...and truthfully.

Shit. I never thought about it like that. Of course it will be torturing for everyone, if she´ll be around all the time. Actually, I can´t imagine still working with someone who used to be my wife, my love, and now...Everything´s ruined. Fuck.

I sighed and then Emy came back to us.

„So?", she asked us as she sat in front of us, I looked at Sara and then back at her, seeing another emotion in her eyes. It looked like she lost so much and now she was about to lost her work too. She didn´t have any hope in her eyes...just some black hole. It was killing me.

„You can still work for us, Emy. Nothing will change.", I said simply and she looked really surprised. She probably thought that Sara wont let her to work for us anymore, but she was wrong. Sara never wanted to do something bad to her, she would never do that to some of her ex girlfriends on purpose, even though this now meant we will be in an awkward situation for most of the time we will spend with her.

„R-really? Well, t-thank you. Thank you so much!", she said in a cheerful voice and I smiled when I saw that she looked a bit happier than she did few minutes ago.

Sara smiled weakly as their looks locked for a split second before she looked back down to her hands rested on the table and Emy looked at her phone.

„Well, it´s time to go."

The whole „divorce" thing went pretty quickly. They signed some papers, they both agreed with everything and there were no angry words or tears. It looked like they were both numb and when I saw Emy´s expression, I thought she still wasn´t realizing what was going on.

While they were getting divorced, I was there. Not only for Sara, but I guess I was there to support them both, because they were both important part of my family and I couldn´t let them go through it alone, without anybody to hold them if they´ll accidentally fall down. Plus, I was a huge part of their problem, even though this was something Emy didn´t know about...

„Are you staying here?", Emy asked us as we walked to her car.

„I booked us a hotel.", Sara said coldly and got into the car.

Emy just nodded and without any emotion she drove us to the hotel we were staying in. It would be really inappropriate if we´ll stay at their house now, when they just got divorced. Sara dealed with Emy, that she can have their house. Sara was rich enought to buy herself another one and she didn´t want to be in a place with so many memories...

When we arrived to the hotel, Emy helped me with our bags while Sara went to the lobby to get our rooms and stuff. We stayed in front of Emy´s car for a while.

„Tegan?"

„Yeah?"

„D-do you know who is it?", she asked me and I frowned, confused by her question.

„Who´s who?", I asked her, looking into her eyes full of sadness, as she rested her back against her car.

„The one. The one that makes Sara happy instead of me. The one that actually knows how to make her happy.", she asked in a half-whisper and my whole body frozed. It was like she just stubbed me in my stomach with her sharp words. My mouth was agape and I was so shocked I couldn´t move for a minute or so.

Shit, this was really fucked up. The guilt was taking over me, but I couldn´t tell her the truth, even if I wanted to. But I couldn´t hurt her, I couldn´t run away from it, I couldn´t do anything. I felt trapped and I knew that soon or later, this will be only worse.

„Trust me, Emy. She doesn´t deserve her as much as you do. And...she can´t give her those things you could.", I spoke softly and I was hurt by my own words, because I was actually right about this.

There are things me and Sara can´t have, even if we wanted to. There are so many things we wont have together, things that Sara had with Emy, but can´t have them with me.

Emy looked me in the eyes. I guess it kind of hurt her that I didn´t tell her the name, but she was that type of a person that always tried to understand the others, and I guess she understood me. She knew it wont be the best decision, if I´ll tell her who it is. Who stole her wife, now ex-wife, from her and took the only happiness away from her life.

„Thank you, Teegs.", she said and then she hugged me.

„Don´t thank me, Em. I only said the truth.", I said, and after my words she said goodbye to me and she drove away, while I stood there, with hands in my pockets, looking down on the ground.

This was harder than I thought. And it was only the start...

„Hey, where have you been for so long?", Sara asked me curiously, when I walked to our hotel room, exhausted. Apparently, she was waiting there for me, because she was sitting on the bed and looking towards the door and when I came she stood up and slowly walked to me.

„I talked to Emy."

„What about?", she asked and put her hands on my shoulders, softly looking into my eyes.

„She asked me if I know who it is. Who´s the one you left her with.", I´ve said, then sat up on the bed and burried my face in my palms.

Just a few tears ran down my face, but for me it was enough to know that I feel fucking guilty for that. Because it didn´t look bad in my eyes back then, but now, when it literally hurt someone, it was really wrong.

I am always saying, and so is Sara, that love is good and right, as long as it doesn´t hurt anybody. And now, we both crossed the line and we really hurt someone, who doesn´t deserve it at all. Emy is the last person in this world I would ever want to hurt.

Sara sat down next to me and she put her hand on my left shoulder. She didn´t say anything for a while, she was just watching me crying and softly stroking my shoulder with her hand.

„If you want I can go back to her. I can...I can do something, I can make things rig-", I cut her off before she finished the sentence.

„No! Sara, it´s not about this. It´s better like this, if you´ll continue with lying to her, soon or later she would find out somehow. That would be worse, if you´ll be living in a lie and she would sense it after some time. I just...I feel like I fucked it up, she really didn´t deserve this...", I told her and she looked down.

„She didn´t...but what was I suppose to do?", she asked me in a tiny voice and I sighed.

„This was probably the only way...but still."

„Tegan...It will be only worse and worse and...I don´t know if I am able to handle it all, and I´m sure you´re not that strong either. If-if you want we can just stop this and...Everything will be okay.", she said and it felt like she just slapped me with her words.

„Are you kidding me? After this, you just want to...Sara, really?", I asked her and looked at her like she was insane or what.

What scared me even more was the look she gave me. It was something that said: „We both know this wont end up well, so what? There´s no way for us to be together in this world."

„Sara...", I whispered, kneeled in front of her and held both of her hands in mine. She was still looking still down, so I moved her chin up with my fingers, so our looks were locked now.

„Don´t run away from me, Sar. I would never do it to you. No matter how hard it would be, I wont let you be alone in this, I wont give up on this, and I wont let you to be unhappy as you were all these years.", I told her honestly and she smiled at me weakly, as my words made her feel better, and I guess, loved too.

„Promise?", she asked.

I leaned in and kissed her softly and very slowly and when I pulled away, I whispered:

„Promise."

That afternoon I went out to jog a little. In the last couple of months I really tried to, you know, work out a little and loose some weight and be stronger and believe me, it was worth it. I felt a lot better than I ever felt and I didn´t look bad either. I always wanted to look hot, to have a really hot body and guess what, my body really started to look hotter.

As I came back to the hotel, it was already dark outside and when I didn´t see Sara anywhere, I thought she was probably at the bar or she went to her favourite book store near the hotel we stayed at. She told me earlier she would love to go there, so I figured out she probably really went there. Perhaps she needed to leave the reality again and burry herself in some good psycho book. Who knows, I just want her to be okay.

When I didn´t see her anywhere around our hotel room, I just shrugged and I didn´t bother to take off my headphones. I was currently listening to Breaking Benjamin, their amazing song called „Breath" and it kind of moved things in me, like I really felt it and so I was doing these powerful movements and stuff, even thought I was pretty exhausted from the run.

I decided to take a shower, so I walked to the bathroom with my eyes closed, because the chorus of the songs just came into my ears and it was fucking awesome, but when it ended and I opened my eyes, I almost died right there on the spot.

Sara was there, standing in the shower, naked and she was mirroring my look at her. She was turned to me, so I saw everything, and I couldn´t move. I stood there, frozen, with my jaw dropped on the floor. I guess Sara felt just like me, because she didn´t even try to hide herself or anything.

Gosh, she was so fucking beautiful...

„Uh, I-I´m sorry...", I told her in a shaky voice and I noticed that I was blushing like hell, so I quickly turned back to the door, but then her voice stopped me.

„N-no, Tegan. Y-you don´t have to leave..."