Chapter 4
As I listened to my struggling heart, I noticed something that I hadn't before. Esme's hand in mine. She was trying to comfort me. She must be able to hear my heart. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if people a mile away could hear it. I realized that her hand had always been there, I had just never noticed it. I was too preoccupied with the charring of every cell in my body. I was suddenly overcome. Esme had been with me through my entire transformation, yet she didn't even know me. I only now understood how loving she was.
My thudding heartbeat was brought to the center of my mind again as it seemed to, impossibly, grow louder. It could only be seconds now, then this would be all over. What would happen after I was a vampire? Would I stay with the Cullens? Would they want me to stay?
Then, it happened. It was rather abrupt. All of the sudden, the intense burning sensation was gone. I heard my heart strain for one last beat, trying in vain to keep itself going. After that, it was over.
I didn't move, but kept as motionless as before, appreciating the lack of pain. I was trying to comprehend all that had happened to me. Just a few days ago, I had been boarding a plane, not ever believing that anything close to this would happen to me. While pondering this, I remembered Esme. She had moved from her sitting position, and was now standing over me. My eyes were still closed, but I sense her there.
When I finally decided to open my eyes, I was amazed. Everything was so defined. I could see every particle, every speck. I could detect the subtle differences in the wood grain of the wall panels. It was incredible. Then, my new eyes focused in on Esme's face, which was staring down at me with the sort of concern a matriarch shows for a member of her family. I was touched again, as I saw that she obviously cared for me as if I were one of her children.
I sat up, never taking my eyes off her. "I want to thank you." Wow, my voice was startling. It sounded like wind moving through the mountains. A high, tinkling soprano that amazed me. I didn't think I would ever get used to it. "You were there with me through everything. No one has ever done anything like that for me. Thank you Esme."
"You're welcome. I wouldn't have ever considered forcing you to go through this alone."
As this exchange was transpiring, I noticed that I could hear the rest of the Cullens downstairs. I wondered why they hadn't come up. Where they trying to give us some privacy? That, I assumed, was the case, because if I could hear them when they weren't even talking, they surely could hear me. A wave of sadness washed over me as the concern of where I would go now entered my mind. What would become of me?
As I was pondering this, I heard someone downstairs get up. This was followed by the same sound multiplied six times. Then, they filed in the same doorway that, only days before, I had watched Carlisle enter from. As I remembered this, I became aggravated. The memory was cloudy, distorted, like trying to see something far away on a foggy day. I could see, but it was cloudy.
By the time I brought myself out of the memory, all of the Cullens were standing against the back wall. I noticed the absence of Renesmee, and wondered where she was. Almost as soon as the question entered my mind, I realized that she wouldn't be brought near me. She had a heartbeat. Human blood beat in her veins. I was a danger to her, and potentially the rest of the Cullens as well. This thought frightened me. I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't want to be the monster they couldn't control.
I stood there thinking to myself, until Esme stepped in front of me, effectively interrupting my though process. Only then was I fully brought back into reality. I blinked several times. "Sorry," I said, "I was just…thinking." I stepped forward, measuring with each fraction of a second my mental state. I was the out-of-control newborn, and I wanted to be careful.
When I finally reached the far wall where the Cullens stood, I walked to Emmett, who was on the far left.